Halloween 2024: October 8th

V/H/S/Beyond (2024)

I often wonder what it must have felt like to be a horror fan in the eighties, living through the period when the “Friday the 13th” and “A Nightmare on Elm Street” series had new installments every year. We look back on those franchises with nostalgic fondness now but, having lived through yearly “Paranormal Activity” and “Saw” installments, it was probably more exhausting than invigorating at the time. Another modern example of a yearly horror series is “V/H/S.” Since Shudder took over production with “V/H/S/94,” they've been cranking out new installment in the found footage anthology format every October. I suppose to capitalize on all that scuttlebutt about UFOs a while back, the seventh “V/H/S” movie has a cosmic theme. Yes, “V/H/S/Beyond” could otherwise be called “V/H/S/In/Space.” However, these films are usually only as good as their director line-up and I found this year's batch to be seriously underwhelming. When filmmakers like Dutch Marich and Chris LaMartina are out there doing actually interesting things with the found footage style, Shudder rounded up Mike Flanagan's wife and, uh, Justin Long? Needless to say, I went into “V/H/S/Beyond” with measured expectations. 

The framing device of “V/H/S/Beyond” is a television documentary about alien phenomenon being caught on camera, building towards the reveal of a notorious piece of extraterrestrial related footage. Interspersed are five stories: “Stork” has a team of cops, their body-cams engaged, heading into a house that is at the center of a recent spat of child abductions. “Dream Girl” follows paparazzi in India sneaking onto the set of the new movie from Bollywood's hottest new actress, discovering a shocking truth about her. “Live and Let Dive” sees a group of friends documenting a birthday skydiving trip, when they unexpectedly cross over into an alien invasion. “Fur Babies” concerns animal activists investigating a dog daycare service run by an eccentric woman with an unhealthy fixation on animals. “Stowaway” is about a young woman recording strange lights in the desert and unintentionally hitching a ride on an otherworldly spacecraft. 

The foundation of the “V/H/S” series has always been – as the title obviously indicates – that these stories are recorded on tapes. The previous three entries leaned on that retro aesthetic, probably to make up for the franchise low-point, “V/H/S/Viral,” straying from that premise. Unfortunately, “V/H/S/Beyond” sees the series once again getting bored with the video gimmick that is ostensibly its entire point. “Stork,” “Dream Girl” and “Fur Babies” all feature multiple camera angles that casually violate the point-of-view structure of the found footage concept. “Dream Girl” outright abandons the approach for a full-on Bollywood style musical number. Director Virat Pal – who has mostly done shorts before this – does what he can to justify this change. However, it creates an unavoidable feeling that “V/H/S/Beyond” fits itself into the found footage set-up only to justify its status as a part of this series. Otherwise, these stories aren't committed to the idea of being lost tapes from an unlucky recorder. 

In fact, “V/H/S/Beyond” presents a distressing fact: That movies aren't influencing movies as much these days. The framing device is done in the style of a television series. Considering it's directed by Jay Cheel, who did Shudder's “Cursed Films” doc series, that might be unsurprising. “Stork,” meanwhile feels like director Jordan Downey (previously of “The Head Hunter” and “Thankskilling”) auditioning to make a “Resident Evil” adaptation. This is evident in the premise, a group of law enforcement officers heading into a house full of zombies and weird monsters. The shifting first-person perspectives, when combined with the constant gun fire and action scenes, furthers the video game influence. The segment concludes with the cops gunning down a climatic monster, as if it's the boss battle at the end of a game level. I don't dismiss games as an art form but “Stork” reminds me of a video game in bad ways. Namely the characters being sketches that obnoxiously spit profanity, the plot being nothing but a thin justification, and the action scenes being far too fast to be coherent. 

Not that an obvious film influence necessarily makes something better. “Fur Babies” is the one from actor Justin Long and his brother Christian. The main element of grotesque horror in this story rather resembles a movie Long starred in, “Tusk.” (It also resembles Norwegian thriller, “Good Boy.”) I actually do like the premise of this one, a seemingly benign middle-age woman hiding her unhinged tendencies behind a cheery disposition. The strange ways people connect with their dogs is a fertile ground for horror. However, “Fur Babies” ultimately lays its cards down too early about the true nature of this hostess. That it recycles the kind of sickly green, grimy dungeon visuals that we've seen in countless “Saw” rip-offs is disappointing at well. This is another segment seriously hassled by the camera constantly changing perspectives, drawing too much attention to how the story is told, rather than what is being told. 

Ultimately, “V/H/S/Beyond” is at its best when embracing the UFO angle. “Live and Let Dive” is from Justin Martinez, otherwise known as the other guy from Radio Silence. It eventually becomes too focused on silly looking extraterrestrials and their weirdo powers. However, the aftermath of a skydive trip going horribly wrong is quite effective. “Stowaway” eventually descends into incoherent sci-fi weirdness. However, it's the only segment with a compelling protagonist, in the form of Alanah Pearce's jittery Halley, whose sad past is smartly revealed to the viewer. The far-off extraterrestrial imagery is well done too. The framing device does, if only else, capture the feel of a History Channel special. The finale is creepy but I don't know what it means.

Doing an alien or UFO themed “V/H/S” movie is a fun idea but “V/H/S/Beyond” never manages to match the chill factor of “Incident in Lake County” or “The McPherson Tape.” Both of those movies realized that authenticity and a sense of normality being disrupted are a big factor towards the success of the found footage genre. “V/H/S/Beyond” is far too hyperactive for that, mostly preoccupied with throwing more and more at the viewer in terms of edits and special effects. When you keep pushing out new movies year after year, it leads to a feeling that things must be made fresh to insure audiences are interested. Maybe this is why, the longer a run of “V/H/S” goes on, the more likely the series gets to dropping the elements that make it work in the first place. Does this mean Shudder will take a break or will I be watching another mediocre “V/H/S” sequel come this time next year? It doesn't quite sink to the depths of “V/H/S/Viral” but this series is definitely in need of some fresh blood. [5/10]

Ferat Vampire (1982)

Upír z Feratu

A few years back, I watched “The Cremator," widely regarded as the best horror film made in the country formerly known as Czechoslovakia. That film was directed by Juraj Herz, a Slovak who made most of his work in the Czech language in the part of Europe known today as Czechia. Despite "The Cremator" being banned by the Communist government and facing censorship all throughout his career, Herz would continue to work in the horror and fantastique genres. After being impressed by "The Cremator," I've been wanting to check out some of Herz' other work. While his dark fairy tales – soon to join Severin's folk horror collection – are more acclaimed, another of his titles caught my attention. "Ferat Vampire" is a pun on "Nosferatu" and car brands like Ferrari and Fiat that I'm not sure smoothly translates to English. Nevertheless, the title does make the premise clear: This is a movie about a bloodsucking car. How can anyone resist that? 

Doctor Marek and the nurse he harbors a crush on, Mami, are driving an ambulance to an emergency call. They are nearly involved in an accident with a distinctive looking black spots car. Afterwards, the driver of the vehicle – a woman named Luisa – asked for their help, citing pain in her foot. Not long after that, the car is found crashed with Luisa seemingly dead inside. In the following week, lead-footed Mami is recruited by car manufacturer Ferat to test-drive their new creation. At the same time, a strange man named Kaplan comes to Marek, telling him he believes the Ferat car runs on human blood. Marek is skeptical but, the deeper into this strange mystery he's drawn, the more convinced he becomes this hot new vehicle is guzzling more than gasoline...

If you go into "Ferat Vampire" expecting a "Christine" or "The Car" style flick about a murderous, autonomous vehicle, you're going to be disappointed. The titular speedster is certainly a killer car but it doesn't drive itself or act on its own will. Instead, Herz' film is a grim metaphor about how we're all eager to participate in capitalism despite it slowly draining the life out of us. The Ferat company – led by an ominous older woman known only as Madame Ferat, always accompanied by a beautiful woman in a latex outfit – is well aware that its latest prototype sucks the blood from its driver. Slowly bleeding the owner to death is seen as a fair compromise during an oft-referenced energy crisis. The sensation of driving the car is seen as addictive, the speed it provides making the person behind the wheel euphoric. That's how the company knows people will keep going back to the car that slowly kills them. The allegory is multilayered. It might simply be an elaborate pun about how everyone is "dying to drive in style." However, the idea that we are all forced to own an automobile in order to get to work, to pay our bills and survive – despite vehicular fatalities being so common and it being terrible for the planet – seems to be on the film's mind. "Blood is cheaper than oil" is the central thesis here. That's an implicit criticism of the petrol industry but also of an entire capitalistic network that sucks our will to live the longer we participate in it.

Despite a downbeat tone, I've often seen "Ferat Vampire" referred to as a horror/comedy. This element mostly emerges from the film's self-awareness around how absurd the premise is. Marek spends a good portion of the film incredulous at the idea of a blood sucking car. The character of Kaplan is played as an obviously unhinged conspiracy theorist, dryly laying out utterly absurd notices without hearing how silly he sounds. Despite that, what he says does turn out to mostly be true, meaning "Ferat Vampire" is a movie about watching a seemingly reasonable man be drawn more and more into believing an improbable, but nonetheless factual, corporate ploy. That Herz makes the Ferat company so obviously evil – the designer of the car being a blind mad scientist, all the workers whispering about wicked schemes – further sells the heightened reality of the premise. Certainly more so than the nebbish protagonist having two beautiful women throw themselves at him for no particular reason. Marek is played by a suitably deadpan Jiří Menzel, a notable Czech director in his own right but not exactly the kind of guy you'd expect to be frequently fighting off naked women. 

"Ferat Vampire" is clearly operating on a satiric level while including more blatantly comedic elements, such as a farcical vampire movie the hero watches on TV at one point. Despite that, the film still engineers a slowly escalating mood of creepiness. While not as blatantly nightmarish as "The Cremator," Herz still maintains a distant, at times chilly approach to his characters and scenarios that feel fittingly unreal. The deeper into this mystery Marek is drawn, the more "Ferat Vampire" feels like a bad dream, that our hero has stumbled into a predatory scheme that is slowly closing in on him. This is paired with a droning electronic score that becomes more frantic as the story advances. Within the film are several stand-out shock sequences. An evening of lovemaking on the floor is interrupted by blood flooding around the couple's feet. Marek, in his little compact car, is nearly crushed by two eighteen wheelers, an enactment of a famous urban legend that feels like motor vehicles themselves are part of the conspiracy to end his life. The stand-out sequence is a dream where the hood and engine of the title car is replaced with pulsating, bloody sinew, the kind of visual that you'd expect David Cronenberg to approve of. This is quickly followed up by a top tier fake-out jump scare. That sort of misdirection works better in a movie that constantly keeps you wondering if its evil car is literally alive or not...

I'm by no means a car guy myself. However, I do applaud the production designers of the film for cooking up a vehicle that is both appropriately foreboding while also being believable as a slick car the public might desire. The Vampire's red-on-black color scheme is suitably evocative of blood and darkness but subtle about it. The overhead lights and large fins suggest the eyes and wings of a monstrous bat. The sharp lines of the vehicle and unique way of opening up strike the viewer as thoroughly modern and hip for 1981, while also feeling like something a cartoon supervillain would drive. The prop was a highly modified Škoda 110 Super Sport. That's a prototype that never made it into production, denying the general public a chance to own one. Considering the nature of the Ferat, maybe that's for the best. Artsy, slow, and high-minded, "Ferat Vampire" nevertheless struck me as an interesting and quietly creepy motion picture with lots of interesting ideas on its mind. Juraj Herz was clearly an intriguing talent and I certainly plan to watch more of his work in the future. [7/10]

Goosebumps: Say Cheese  and Die

R.L. Stine is a hack and "Goosebumps" was stupid bullshit for babies but I'll say this much: "Say Cheese and Die" is a great title for a story about a cursed camera. Teenager Greg and his pals, Bird and Shari, sneak into a local abandoned factory. There, a long-haired weirdo named Spidey lives. Inside, they steal a futuristic device that works like an Instamatic Polaroid camera. Except the photos always turn out strangely. A snapshot of Bird shows him going over some stair banisters... Before he actually falls. A photograph of the family's new car features it with a mangled bumper, before it's totaled in a wreck. After a photo of Shari shows her absence, she vanishes in real life. Does the camera merely predict misfortune or does it will the bad luck to happen? And how is Spidey connected to the device? 

Considering "Goosebump" was a show for 6-to-10 year olds, you might not be shocked to learn that "Say Cheese and Die's" title is a lie. Nobody dies. Greg's dad breaking his leg in the car wreck is the only semi-severe thing that happens. Moreover, the camera's properties are sloppily defined. Sometimes the photos directly predict the future, as in the case of Greg going over the bannister. Sometimes it merely suggests it, as with the photo of the torn-up fender. How and why Shari disappears isn't elaborated on and she returns when Greg rips up the photo, the logic of which is never explained. When confronted about it, Spidey only says he invented the camera to predict the future but that it created bad luck instead. This does not square up with the ridiculous fate of the inventor that immediately follows. That the camera looks like some sci-fi laser gun – the kids compare it to a toaster and that's an apt description – doesn't make the episode's events any less goofy. (At least Stine's original book featured a regular-ass camera.)

It's so goofy, in fact, I suspect the cast and crew might be playing things for laughs. Ron Oliver's direction is full of Dutch angles, dramatic close-ups, and nausea-inducing handheld. This episode's claim to infamy is that it stars a young Ryan Gosling, whose performance seems knowingly absurd. Then again, all the characters and acting here is goofy nonsense. Spidey, with his long grey hair and giant goggles, looks like an extra from a cyberpunk movie. Greg's older brother is a stoner-coded himbo. Greg has a nightmare where he photographs his family at a cook-out and sees them all as skeletons in the picture. This scene was inserted into the book only after Tim Jacobus created a bitchin' cover image. Jacobus' artwork was always better than the books they graced but the show's attempt to recreate that silly-but-eerie painting comes up so short, it becomes hilarious.

Whether "Say Cheese and Die" was going for camp or not, it doesn't matter. The result is still a nonsensically written clown show. Like every episode of "Goosebumps" I've watched, there's potential here. The question of whether the camera predicts or controls the future could've been spun into a rumination on the nature of fate and chance. A scene featuring a pushy cop wearing reflective sunglasses, that mirror the lens of the camera, might've meant something. The execution renders it all inconsequential. (The cop is played by Scott Speedman, so Gosling isn't the only cast member here that went onto definitely bigger, debatably better things.) Watching as an adult, the main thing about "Say Cheese and Die" that brought me amusement is how much flannel everyone wears. Truly, it was the nineties. Considering most kids today might not be familiar with an Instamatic, the decade of my youth is where this one should stay. "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" has an episode about a creepy camera too that, by some coincidence, Ron Oliver directed as well. Ryan Gosling also appeared on that show but not that particular installment, so the connection ends there. The episode sucks but the title is still good. [4/10]

The Addams Family: Morticia's Favorite Charity

The Addams may be preposterously rich but at least they give to charity often too. “Morticia's Favorite Charity” has the household's matriarch gathering a lot of the family's strangest items and donating them to a local charity bazaar auction. Mr. Henson – last seen as Gomez' insurance manager in “Crisis in the Addams Family" – is running the auction. Naturally, he's not interested in accepting anything from the Addams, knowing it'll be a bunch of weird stuff. That it is, as Morticia donates many of the family's bizarre relics to the bazaar. Including Pugsley's favorite clock, which leads to a schism between father and son. Hoping to patch things up, Morticia and Gomez both plan on buying the clock back without informing the other of their idea.

I've made mention before of how “The Addams Family” got a lot of value out of its distinctive collection of props. The writers of the series must have noticed this too and decided to, more or less, build a whole episode around wacky objects like that. Classics like the mounted swordfish swallowing a human leg or the moose head with the askew antlers return here. The clock Pugsley misses so much has a roaring wildcat head in place of a cuckoo bird, though the characters insist on calling it a “wolf's head clock.” Probably the biggest sight gags here revolve around Gomez' own favorite timepiece: A moose's ass mounted to the wall, the hour's mark by its tail swishing and the creature bellowing. We also find out that Fester relaxes by wearing a suit of armor. 

Parley Baer, as Henson, makes for a decent enough straight man. Despite watching his wild-eyed reactions to all the crazy shit in the Addams' home feeling like a joke we've seen twenty-eight times before. Still, this episode is not without its amusing moments. The auction makes for a suitably map cap conclusion, husband and wife once again unknowingly playing against each other. Lurch gets a funny line in the latter half, while Fester's suit of armor habit pays off in a couple of decent ways. As far as “Addams Family” episodes go, this one definitely feels phoned-in a little. Still, any show that builds whole sequences around a moose ass sticking out of the wall can't be all bad in my book. [6/10]