Welcome to the film-related musings, complaints, and comments of Zack Clopton, an amateur film-critic, scholar, and screenwriter. Featured here are Director's Report Cards, essays, and other reviews. Enjoy!
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It should be apparent by now that my Christmas movie marathon has gone totally off the rails. At some point, I had to make a decision between my holiday movie viewing and catching up with new releases. I decided the new stuff was more pertinent. As I've said, Film Thoughts' Christmas marathon is always something of a last-minute thing and success is never guaranteed. Better luck next year, I guess?
So I hope you had a nice December and will be enjoying yourself today. Merry Christmas, faithful readers.
Back in January, I rounded out my list of most anticipated films with “Pottersville.” I was sold on the movie, based on two factors. It had a great cast. Secondly, its premise – a man accidentally turning his small town into a mecca for Bigfoot enthusiasts, after a drunken rampage in a gorilla suit – seemed right up my alley. There wasn't much news following the announcement and I assumed it disappeared, as a lot of projects I get excited about tend to. Instead, a while ago, reviews of the film started rolling in. And they were extremely negative. Also, “Pottersville” is apparently a Christmas movie, with a subplot about the furry subculture. So somehow this movie became even weirder, meaning I absolutely had to check it out. Even if it was awful.
Pottersville is an idyllic, if economically depressed town, somewhere in the Pacific Northwest. Maynard, the man who runs the local shop, makes an upsetting discovery. His wife is having an affair with the town sheriff. Also, they're furries. He gets black-out drunk, puts on a gorilla suit, and drunkenly stumbles through town. This is mistaken for a sasquatch sighting. Overnight, Pottersville becomes the hot spot for Bigfoot hunters the world over. Maynard watches his hometown flourish but, as Christmas gets closer, he wonders how much longer he can go on with this lie.
Being a comedy starring Michael Shannon, I imagine “Pottersville” as being a particular type of comedy. Probably veering towards the sardonic, weird, or dark. This is not, it turns out, the tone “Pottersville” is going for. Instead, the movie is frequently pulled between a very cheesy type of sentimentality and rather crude streak of broad comedy. The film has compared to a Lifetime movie, which it resembles in visual design and tone. It has that kind of vaguely glossy but flat look of a television movie. This is ultimately a movie about community and the power of togetherness, especially when it comes to a homey small town, all themes common to cozy cable networks. Meanwhile, there's also jokes about people shitting in the woods, eating bugs off trees, long-winded Bigfoot songs, and Hollywood phonies. It creates a bizarre back-and-forth.
And then there's that furry business. That particular subplot was left out of the earlier plot descriptions of “Pottersville.” As usually happens in pop culture, the film depicts all furries as fur-suit enthusiast who are fairly kinky. At the same time, the furries are also shown to be harmless and there's no actual animal-suit-on-animal-suit humping in the movie. This still results in the film's most delirious sequence, when the Bigfoot hunters wander into a furry love-in in the middle of the forest. It's definitely not a moment you would expect in a Christmas movie, even one about Bigfoot. Even more hilariously, the furry subculture ends up affecting the main story in a very minor way.
Aside from the Sasquatch-adjacent story, what really attracted me to “Pottersville” was its cast. It's true that the film's cast is wildly overqualified. Michael Shannon's starring role, which cast the crazy-eyed actor against type as a humble everyman, can be explained. Shannon previously made a film with director Seth Henrikson, a short called “Zamboni Man.” But the rest of the cast? Christina Hendricks is stuck in another thankless role as a sexually vivacious but ultimately untrustworthy woman. Ron Perlman gets a few funny roles as a town sheriff perhaps too forthcoming about his kinks. Ian McShane also gets one or two funny moments as the overly serious big game hunter. Judy Greer's part, as Shannon's back-up love interest, could sadly be played by anyone. Tom Lennon's role, as the fallaciously accented Bigfoot hunter, has the performer embracing his more annoying tendencies.
“Pottersville,” being both a Bigfoot movie and a Christmas movie, could've made an interesting statement about the power of belief. Christmas is a mass delusion, of being nice to each other for twenty-five days, we all choose to believe. Bigfoot, similarly, is a big lie people buy into because it's nice. It's nice to believe in something mysterious and magical. “Pottersville” taps into this in a very superficial way, with an ending that is fairly easy to predict. But it could've done a lot more with this idea. Ultimately, this is more of a Bigfoot movie than a Christmas movie, the two aspects not crossing over much.
“Pottersville” isn't that good of a movie. Its tone is scattershot, its approach is mawkish, and its script is wildly uneven. Still, the film is way too weird not to be a little bit charming. I mean, shit, where else are you going to see a Christmas movie about Bigfoot and furries? Just based on the “can you believe this shit?” level, I have to sort of recommend this one. “Pottersville” is likely to grab a cult following due to this. If nothing else, this is certainly the oddest holiday movie to come out this year. I think that can be said with certainty. [6/10]
Just yesterday, I reviewed one of the many inane and cheap cartoons Hanna-Barbera produced throughout the seventies and eighties. Now, there's no doubt that their cartoon creations, whatever you may think about their quality, are bound to be the company's greatest legacy. But the studio occasionally tried their hand at something live-action. One such production was “The Gathering.” A made-for-television film that aired in 1977, the movie couldn't be further from what you'd expect from Hanna-Barbera. A slow-paced, downbeat drama dealing with serious themes of death, family, and forgiveness, it couldn't be more different than “Yogi Bear.” The film was well-received, winning an Emmy. Despite its relative obscurity, the film seems to have its place in television history.
Adam Thornton has just received the news. He's been diagnosed with a terminal condition and he only has a few months to live. Adam is estranged with most of his family, having separated from his wife several years ago. Most of his children resent him. He hasn't even met several of his grandchildren. Knowing his time is short, Adam decides to invite everyone to a Christmas family gathering. Adam doesn't tell his kids that he's sick, instead hoping to just have a normal, peaceful one last Christmas with his family.
“The Gathering” is a TV movie from the seventies. The visual presentation is fairly stationary and unmoving. However, this ends up working in “The Gathering's” favor, in an odd way. The frills-free presentation forces the audience to focus on the character and their performers. We see the characters have intense, emotional conversations in intimate, personal settings. It's a lot like a play in that way. Considering “The Gathering” is a simple story of a family putting aside their differences, this approach really benefits the film. If it wasn't for the television presentation, “The Gathering” probably would've pushed into melodrama. Instead, things are kept grounded.
The main reason I was really curious about “The Gathering” was that it's a starring role for Ed Asner. As a man grappling with the end of his life, Asner is perfectly understated. He keeps the tidal wave of emotion mostly under the surface, doing his best to apologize for a life time of mistake. Asner leads an overall very strong cast. Maureen Stapleton displays a surprising strength as the matriarch of the family, who is determined to make this reunion successful. Bruce Davison is nicely nervous as George, the husband of one of Adam's daughters, who fears the rest of the family thinks of him as a no-good mooch. Gregory Harrison is also well cast as Bud, the son Adam has the most tense relationship with. Really, the entire cast of “The Gathering” does a very good job.
Due to its intimate tone and strong cast, “The Gathering” is able to pull off a truly effective atmosphere of warmth. The scenes of the family together, reconnecting, feel genuinely sweet. Some of the holiday shenanigans they get up to might seem too large on paper. One scene has Adam setting off fireworks on the front lawn, in the middle of the night. Another has the men singing songs and dirty limericks while drinking too much. Yet it all works well, especially when placed next to the quieter moments, such as the kids deciding on who shall receive what gifts or the grandchildren getting exciting and unwrapping their toys. You truly feel like you've stepped into a real family's lives, watching them go about their business, aware of the tension bubbling underneath and pleased to see them overcome that.
I don't know what inspired Hanna-Barbera to try their hand at a serious drama like this but I'm glad they did. “The Gathering” is actually really well done. Though pretty melancholy, it's ideal Christmas viewing, as the film acutely understands the stress and pleasures of reuniting with family around the holidays. “The Gathering” was such a success that a sequel, checking in on the family two years after their father's death, was produced in 1979. Asner, obviously, did not reappear in the sequel. I don't know if that one is worth seeking out but maybe it will surprise me. The original did. [7/10]
The Nanny: Oy to the World
Who hear remembers “The Nanny?” It was a starring sitcom for screechy voice actress Fran Drescher. Every episode began by explaining the program's premise: Drescher was a cosmetics salesman from Flushing who randomly ended up at the how of a rich English widower. She was then selected to be the family nanny, despite her flashy style obviously clashing with the family's dignified appearance. Over the course of six seasons, Fran attempted to seduce the dad and raise the kids, while sniping with C.C. Babcock, a rival for Mr. Sheffield's affections. It was a pretty stupid show but, for whatever reason, my Mom and I watched it together all the time. Even weirder, in its third season, “The Nanny” featured an animated Christmas special.
This might seem especially random but makes a little more sense in context. That expositionary theme song was accompanied by an animated opening, showing the main cast as cartoon characters. “Oy to the World” - the Vandals reference was presumably unintentional – extends the animated bit to a full-length episode. It also adds a talking dog. The plot concerns Nanny Fine taking the family's middle son out on Christmas day to the homeless shelter, in order to teach him a lesson about giving. Along the way, Fran hits her head and has an elaborate dream. In her dream, her boss is recast as Santa Claus, the kids become various elves, and she has to rescue Christmas from an evil wintry wizard.
As I said, “The Nanny” doesn't hold up very well, as far as stupid bullshit I remember from the nineties goes. The show was heavy Bursh Belt schtick that was already dated when it originally aired. “Oy to the World” is no different. The animated special has several especially groan-worthy jokes. The leader of the elves is named Elv-ish, leading to several obvious Elvis jokes. Several of Santa's reindeer are re-imagined as a grouchy jew and a flamboyant gay. The plot is resolved with a dumb-ass reference to “Rain Man.” Here, the area surrounding Santa's work shop is made of chocolate and sweats, leading to far too many gags about Fran pigging out and watching her weight. Buried within these lame one-liners are one or two cute bits, like the talking dog's annoyance at not being taken seriously.
I've long suspected that “Oy tot he World” was meant to launch an animated spin-off of “The Nanny.” The special has a somewhat uncertain reaction to being animated. There's a few moments of overly cartoon-y theatrics, like running legs become a spinning swirl, that seem deliberately on the noise. Then again, there's a pretty terrible musical number, suggesting the show creator were fairly sincere in their attempt at creating a holiday special. (I guess the mostly unearned moral about giving feeds into that as well.) By the way, the animation is okay. The character designs are at least distinctive. Mostly, I rewatched “Oy to the World” mostly to confirmed that this thing I vaguely remembered from my childhood actually existed. Now that I know this is real, we may go back to never mentioning it ever again. [5/10]
One of the reasons why the slasher genre ruled the eighties horror landscape was due to how easy it was to replicate that formula. Horror's always been a pretty cheap genre but, with the slasher, filmmakers could dispense with expensive haunted house sets or rubber monster suits. All they needed was a decent setting, a cheap mask, some actors willing to get naked, and a few buckets of fake blood. These attributes were especially irresistible to first time filmmakers. After starring in so many low budget horror movies, David Hess – best known as the star of “The Last House on the Left” and several of its Italianknock-offs – decided to make one himself. The result was “To All a Goodnight,” a Christmas-themed slasher that is widely dismissed even by hardcore fans of the genre. Save for a documentary short film, it was Hess' first and last attempt at directing.
Likely taking some cues from “Black Christmas,” “To All a Goodnight” is set in a sorority house during Christmas break. It's against the rules for the girls' boyfriends to stay overnight but the sisters have different ideas. They drug their house mother while the boys fly in – one of them is a pilot – for a night of yuletide partying and nookie. But someone else has different plans. A killer, wearing a red Santa suit, is stalking the sorority house, killing the girls. And that's about all there is to the plot.
Made fairly early into the subgenre's existence, “To All a Goodnight” feels no need to resist slasher cliches. It's almost astonishing how many of the expected beats this movie hits. It begins with a crime in the past, a harmless prank turning deadly in a way not totally dissimilar to “Prom Night's” opening. Young people getting together to bone and drink seemingly draws the attacker out. The police are useless, quickly being offed by the killer. The murderer severs the phone line just when someone's ready to call for help. The girl that ends up surviving, making it to the next morning, is pointedly a virgin. The ending twist, meanwhile, recalls the original “Friday the 13th.” It's hard to believe that these story troupes were already so well known in 1980. But it certainly feels like Hess and his team were trying to hit every item on a checklist.
As a filmmaker, David Hess makes some questionable decision. He films the opening flashback through a circling white haze, an odd move. More than once, he deploys some odd, halting slow-motion, such as when an axe flies through the air towards someone's head. A few other times, he has the screen fade to a bright red color, a move Hess' former director Wes Craven used more effectively in “The Hills Have Eyes.” Hess was a musician but he didn't compose the film's music. Instead, Rich Tufo provides a score full of shrieking synth and blooping noises. Even the editing is a bit of a mess, as characters frequently seem to switch locations at random. Over all, this is not a very professionally assembled film.
Despite its incompetence, I sort of liked “To All a Goodnight” the first time I watched it. This is mostly because of its cast of characters. Now I'm not saying the acting is good. In fact, it's quite mediocre. The performances range from shrill to flat. None of the characters are especially well written. Most of them fit the expected slasher movie archetypes. You've got the slutty girl, the nerdy guy, the jock. A lot of the characters don't even get that much development. However, the film's treatment of its characters are mildly interesting: Practically all of them appear to be swingers. The characters switch sexual partners throughout, going from one bed to another. One night, a girl seduces the nerdy guy. The next day, he's chasing after the virginal final girl. The woman he just slept with then goes off with another guy. That's not something you see frequently.
So “To All a Goodnight” delivers soundly on the “sex” part of the slasher genre's sex and violence equation. What of the gore and dismemberment? “To All a Goodnight” is one of those slashers largely composed of people wandering around, wasting time, in between the various murders. While evenly spaced throughout the film, the deaths seem few and far between. Not many of them are very memorable. You have your typical throat slashings, stabbings, and blunt force trauma. Only a few moments make an impression. The killer trades out the Santa get-up for a suit of armor in one scene, interrupting a sex scene with a crossbow. Later, a pilot – played by porn star Harry Reems, of all people – and one of the girls meet the business end of a plane propeller. So there's just barely enough slaughter to satisfy.
There's quite a few Christmas-set slasher films. “Black Christmas” and “Christmas Evil” all engage with the Christmas setting to some degree. "Silent Night, Deadly Night" at least utilizes the holiday as a decent gimmick. “To All a Goodnight” barely feels like a Christmas movie. It's set in California, so there's no snow on the ground. There's a tree in the sorority house but it's hardly paid much attention. The killer dresses as Santa Claus but it truly feels like an afterthought. Honestly, if it wasn't for the Santa costume and a few lines of dialogue, you'd probably never know the film even took place in December.
For years, the only copies of “To All a Goodnight” that circulated were from old VHS copies. These tapes were notoriously dark, making a sloppily edited film even more difficult to follow. You can now watch “To All a Goodnight” on a crystal clear Blu-Ray but that only goes so far to improve what a lackluster experience this is. David Hess passed away in 2011. He played a great horror villain in “Last House on the Left” but that clearly didn't translate into being a great horror filmmaker. “To All a Goodnight” is a stock-parts slasher, made on a shoestring and hastily thrown together. It's easy to see why Hess wouldn't direct a feature again. [5/10]
New York City is the most Christmas-y city in America. Though many other places claim the title, Manhattan and Christmas are irrevocably linked in my mind. The city has got the Rockettes, the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, and the big Christmas tree. Filmmakers seem to generally agree with this assessment, as several classic Christmas movies take place around the Big Apple. “A Miracle on 34th Street” is the big one but there's one other black-and-white holiday flick named after an NYC street. “It Happened on Fifth Avenue” was nearly directed by Frank Capra, who decided to make “It's a Wonderful Life!” instead, and was a hard-to-find film for many years. Now, it regularly gets airings on Turner Classic Movies around December, which is how I watched it.
As the opening tour guide scene informs us, 5th Avenue is home to some of the richest families in New York City. Along that street sits the mansion of Michael J. O'Connor, the second richest man in America. O'Connor spends the winters in the south, leaving his mansion unoccupied. During the off-season, homeless person Aloysius T. McKeever takes up residence in the house. Soon, a recently evicted veteran named Jim joins McKeever in the house. An eighteen year old girl named Trudy soon appears at the house too. Trudy claims to be homeless but is actually Mr. O'Connor's daughter. As Christmas approaches, the millionaire decides to investigate the people squatting in his mansion.
Only about half of “It Happened on Fifth Avenue” takes place at Christmas. Winter rolls in about an hour in. The film concludes on New Year's Day. Snow and Christmas trees might only occupy a portion of the story but the movie concerns itself with themes befitting the season. Charity and giving, in contrast with greed and stinginess, is what motivates the script. Jim and Aloysius soon invite more homeless people into the mansion, opening their home and heart up to anyone in need. Mr. O'Connor is, at first, aghast that people are squatting on his property. The millionaire's greed is what's responsible for Jim's homeless status in the first place, as he ordered the apartment he lived in to be evicted. Naturally, the rich man learns about kindness and the power of giving before the story is over.
Of course, themes about giving and sharing wouldn't mean as much if we didn't care about the characters. Luckily, the cast is fairly likable. Victor Moore appears first as Aloysius, entering the film whistling. Moore brings a jolly and light-hearted attitude to the role. This makes a later scene, where he dresses as Santa Claus, especially fitting. Don DeFore stars as Jim, establishing a rebellious personality early on when he refuses to be evicted from his building. DeFore has a decent way with a comedic line, being a suitably likable leading man. As Trudy, Gale Storm is lovely and entertaining. Like a lot of female characters in these forties rom-coms, she's equal parts sass and vulnerability. Watching the character interact, creating their own little world in this unoccupied mansion, is a lot of fun.
Unfortunately, the film's primary subplot did nothing for me. I'm not sure making Judy the daughter of the millionaire was the most organic decision. It helps brings the story together but I honestly think I would've preferred this to be a story about strangers meeting and helping each other. Having the millionaire disguise himself as a homeless person, living inside the mansion with the others, really just emphasizes what a jerk he is. When the potential materiel from this subplot is burned out, the story brings Judy's mother – O'Connor's ex-wife – into the house as well. None of these inclusions are especially compelling and they feel slightly forced-in, as if they were included to beef the story up.
“It Happened on Fifth Avenue” is sometimes classified as a musical. There's only about three songs in the film. Only one of them, a sweet song performed around the Christmas tree, feels like a proper musical number. Otherwise, the film's genre belongs more to the romance and comedy. I wanted to like “It Happened on Fifth Avenue” a little more than I actually did. The cast is fun and the main plot is strong. Sadly, a pretty lame subplot really drags the proceedings down. The film captures the Christmas atmosphere well but isn't quite the classic I was led to expect. [6/10]
Back in the nineties, Cartoon Network used to play all sorts of weird holiday programs around December. This is how I first saw “Christmas Comes to Pac-Land.” As a kid, I didn't think it was strange that there was a Pac-Man Christmas special. I just accepted its existence at face value. Only as an adult does it dawn on me how weird this thing is. Pac-Man is a video game about a circular yellow shape eating smaller circular yellow shapes while being chased by ghosts through a maze. Somehow, this was popular enough to support a pop song, loads of merchandise, and a Saturday morning cartoon. And, somehow, a Hanna-Barbera executive thought it was worth producing a special episode of that cartoon that introduced Pac-Man to Christmas. The mind boggles.
This cartoon presupposes that Pac-Man lives in an entire village of Pac-People, along with his wife and infant child. It seems pretty peaceful, except for the band of asshole ghosts – the special insists on calling them “ghost monsters – that occasionally attempt to cause mischief. Anyway, while the Pac-Family is out attempting to enjoy the snowy weather, Santa Claus is flying overhead. The fat man crashes his sleigh. The Pacs help Santa and his reindeer get back on their feet. The ghosts, meanwhile, grab the missing bag of toys. Will Pac-Man retrieve the toys before Santa leaves on his Christmas trip around the world?
I know you have questions. I have them too. Is Pac-Land located on Earth or in another dimension? How did Santa Claus come to fly above this alternate world, especially since he seems to have no familiarity with it? What are the ghost monsters ghost of? Are they the spirits of dead Pac-Men, return from the grave to seek vengeance on the living? If so, why do they steal Santa's toy? If you're expecting answers to any of these questions in “Christmas Come to Pac-Land...” Okay, I don't think anyone was expecting answers from something called “Christmas Comes to Pac-Land.”
Yes, it's completely inane. The comedy is shrill and childish. The animation is cheap. The voice-acting is broad. The characters, especially the ghosts and Baby Pac, are highly annoying. The way the conflict is resolved – with Santa's reindeer being fed Power Pellets so they can deliver gifts in time – is baffling. The special doesn't even follow the rules of its own fucked-up universe. When Pac-Man chomps on a ghost, they are reduced to a pair of eyeballs. Like in the video game! But when the ghosts attack Pac-Man, he's simply beaten into a stupor, instead of shriveling up into nothingness. Also, there's not a single maze in sight. Mostly, “Christmas Comes to Pac-Land” is worth watching just to confirm that it exist. And you say there was a whole accompanying cartoon show? Good God. I wonder if the Wacky Wall Walkers Christmas special is this fucking weird... [5/10]
As someone partially raised in the Jewish faith, and considering the large number of Jewish people working in Hollywood, I've always found it odd that there are so few films about Jewish holidays. There are roughly ten thousand Christmas movies. But Hanukkah, the Jewish winter festival? As far as I can tell, there are exactly two movies explicitly about the celebration. Last year, I reviewed “The Hebrew Hammer,” an amusing parody though hardly the film I want representing the entire feast of lights. This year, I decided to cover the other fifty percent of Hanukkah movies. And it was a hard decision, as Adam Sandler's “Eight Crazy Nights” is widely regarded as a deeply terrible film. But, hey, my Jewish side wasn't going to let all eight nights go by covering just goyish movies.
The New Hampshire town of Dukesberry is celebrating the holiday season. Christmas is around the corner while the town's large Jewish population is beginning the eight night festival of Hanukkah. Everybody is celebrating except for Davey Stone. Davey is an asshole, committing crimes and ruining everyone's good time. His latest rampage gets him placed under the care of Whitey, the elderly and eccentric good samaritan around town. Whitey is the couch of the youth basketball team and encourages Davey to mentor a young boy. While Davey is resists these attempts at rehabilitation at first, he soon starts to come around.
Consider the career of Adam Sandler. Though a reliable box office star over the years, the amount of effort Sandler put into his features has decreased steeply with time. “Eight Crazy Nights” came out fifteen years ago and Sandler had already, for the most part, quit trying by then. The animated feature is overwhelmingly crass. The film opens with a long burping joke. There's a fart joke not long afterwards, along with jokes about other bodily functions and parts. An extended sequence is devoted to someone being frozen inside human feces. There are jokes at the expense of the Asian, the overweight, the neuro-divergent, amputees, transgender, virgins, the elderly, the tall and the short. Davey is unendingly obnoxious while Whitey has an incredibly obnoxious voice. More offensive than any of this is the clear loathing “Eight Crazy Nights” displays for the world. This is a hateful film, spewing bile and intolerance on nearly everyone.
The story is hostile and belligerent but “Eight Crazy Nights” is still a testament to Adam Sandler's ego. Davey begins the film as a detestable asshole, heaping spite on everyone in the town but also himself. Despite this, the character still gets a redemptive arc. As in “Big Daddy,” “Bedtime Stories,” and probably a few other films, Sandler's character bonds with a child. This eventually thaws his heart, leading him to a romance with a beautiful - and totally personality-free - woman. For extra mileage, Davey is also given an incredible talent, being naturally gifted as basketball. (Also making the movie similar to “Happy Gilmore,” “The Waterboy,” and “The Longest Yard.”) “Eight Crazy Nights” doesn't skimp on another Sandler trademark: Gratuitous product placement. Practically every business in the town mall is a real one and, at one point, the corporate logos come to life to give our asshole hero a pep talk.
As if building its story around a very annoying set of characters wasn't enough to put off viewers, “Eight Crazy Nights” is also a musical. Yes, not only does Adam Sandler inflict a high-pitch, brain-bleeding voice on us, he also sings. While Sandler's vocal talents are enough to sustain a jokey number like “The Hanukkah Song” – a third version of which plays over the end credits – but it's hardly enough for actual musical numbers. Probably the most ear-splitting number if “Technical Foul,” in which Sandler sings as both Davey and Whitey. The lyrics, for that song and every other, are naturally totally inane. There are references to shitting, farting, bald ladies, and hairy asses and that's just one song. Other numbers include a man in a dress, a phone sex line, and a burning trailer.
I will give “Eight Crazy Nights” this much. The animation is decent. Apparently, some of the same character designers from “The Iron Giant” and “Anastasia” worked on the film. You can't help but notice the similarities. I also remember laughing once, about a joke involving deer wearing wigs. Otherwise, the film is entirely foul, inside and out. It lacks in laughs and heart, being an entirely rotten experience. Then again, this is exactly the kind of bullshit we expect from Sandler. It's really a bummer that this is one of two films the proud Jewish people have to represent their eight-night celebration. [2/10]
I watched a lot of the Disney Channel during my late adolescence and pre-teen years. I've already reviewed every episode of “So Weird,” one of the network's better and more obscure shows. Yet I also enjoyed their aggressively wacky, kid-targeting sitcoms. I can try and be snide and say I watched “Lizzie McGuire” and “Even Stevens” because I thought Hilary Duff and Christy Carlson Romano were cute. I mean, I did but I genuinely found these programs to be amusing as a youngster. I'm talking about “Even Stevens” on the first night of Hanukkah because, it turns out, the family at the show's center were of mixed faith. Jewish on the mother's side and Christian on the Dad's side. (Perhaps this was done because the show's stars, Shia LeBeouf and Romano, are themselves part Jewish.) The show even did a Hanukkah episode in its first season.
Anyway, “Heck of a Hanukkah” begins with Louis and Ren, the brother and sister that the show is about, arguing. The hyper Louis is trying to find where his parents hid their Hanukkah presents, while Ren is being her usual overachieving self. Louis finds the gifts and ends up accidentally tossing them out the window. He gets, understandably, grounded and wishes he was never born. At that point, the ghost of Louis' Jewish grandmother appears to him, showing him what his family's life would be like if he was never born.
“Even Stevens” was an aggressively wacky show. This is apparent from the opening credit sequence, depicting the battling siblings as stop-motion animated cartoons. So it's not surprising that “Heck of a Hanukkah” bends towards the broad and loud. Louis' antics are overly zany, as his search for his presents involve “Terminator”-style graphics, lots of fast-motion photography, and randomly destroying stuff all around him. The fantasy scenes reduce the already simplistic characters even more. In the alternate reality, Louis' jocky brother is now a simpleton obsessed with a winning a spelling bee. Louis has been replaced with a psychotic, perfectionist brother that eventually attempts to frame the boy for a crime. Louis, meanwhile, dances around with a chicken on his head. It's pretty dire stuff, aimed squarely at the kiddie crowd.
Disappointingly, “Heck of a Hanukkah” only directly addresses the characters' faith a few times. The siblings' mom relates the story of the Maccabees while frying latkes. The episode concludes with the clan lighting the menorah. And the ghostly grandmother has a Russian-Jewish accent. Otherwise, this easily could've been a Christmas episode, especially so considering the story is yet another riff on “It's a Wonderful Life.” And I'm honestly unsure if treating a non-W.A.S.P. background as an everyday, unremarkable thing is better than making a big deal about it. Anyway, that's another artifact from my childhood that absolutely does not hold up. [5/10]
Common knowledge would have it that suicide rates go around the holidays. This is not true but the irony is still irresistible for some. That what is supposed to be the happiest time of the year makes some people miserable. This has led to an interesting genre of depressing Christmas media. There's sad holiday songs, downbeat December books, and, of course, miserablist Christmas movies. I feel this provides a much-needed course correction, counteracting the omni-present holiday cheer around the end of the year. Indie filmmakers have been happy to cater to this demand. I've covered a few of these anti-cheer flicks before and another title I've been hearing about a lot lately is “White Reindeer.” Onto the December watchlist it went.
Suzanne Barrington seemingly has an ideal life. She's a successful real estate agent and is married to Jeff, a popular local weatherman. The two love each other, frequently having enthusiastic sex. The couple plans on spending Christmas, just a few weeks away, in Hawaii. This all comes crashing down when Suzanne comes home to discover her husband, dead on their living room floor. He was murdered during a robbery. Soon afterwards, Suzanne learns her late husband had an affair with a stripper. The two strike up an odd friendship as Suzanne attempts to navigate her grief and survive the holiday season.
Going into “White Reindeer,” I was expecting some mumblecore cringe-comedy. Joe Swansberg's in it, after all. It becomes clear early on that director/writer/editor Zach Clark doesn't employ the partially improvised format, as his film is concisely written and edited. The editing is especially strong during a dance sequence. However, “White Reindeer” does go for cringes in an interesting way. Jeff and Suzanne is introduced having rowdy sex in their kitchen. She is frequently seen sitting on the toilet. She vomits and farts. Moreover, the character are often put in uncomfortable situations. Suzanne's nice neighbors are interrupted while setting up a sex swing. This proceeds a long sequence set at an orgy, which is more awkward than sexy. The editing, which frequently drops the viewer into these uneasy moments, emphasizes the feeling that the protagonist is no longer comfortable in her own skin.
More than anything else, “White Reindeer” is about the odd ways humans react to grief. The film acknowledges grief as something that isn't a clean process. Such as the scene where Suzanne discovers her husband's taste in pornography. This leads to Suzanne attempting to drown her sorrows in physical sensation. She drinks, does drugs, and parties with her new stripper friend. When that doesn't work, she attends her neighbor's sex party, finding this stimuli ultimately unsatisfying as well. She spends hundreds on Christmas decorations, turning her house into the holiest jolliest building on the block. She starts to live off candy canes and eggnog. She briefly becomes a vegetarian, haunted by images of her husband's blown open head. None of these actions provide solace. “White Reindeer” presents grieving as a long, difficult situation without easy answers or clean payoffs.
Centering the film is a phenomenal lead performance. Anna Margaret Hollyman, an actress with few other big credits to her name, plays Suzanne. Hollyman is astonishingly well controlled. She keeps most of Suzanne's storming emotions under the surface, at least until it inevitably bubbles over in the harshest ways. It's a difficult part, running through most every emotional extreme you can think of, but Hollyman does a fantastic job. She never hits a wrong note or overdoes it. The supporting cast is strong too, as Laura Lemar-Goldsborough also does well as Fantasia, the stripper. This is her only on-screen credit so far, sad to say.
“White Reindeer” will obviously not be for everyone. As a comedy, the film's jokes are few and far between. A sudden game of Rock Band or an awkward encounter in the strip club's dressing room are the only moments that really made me laugh. The story's visual symbolism, like Suzanne's reoccuring vision of a fashion model, don't really pay off. The conclusion is sudden and somewhat frustrating, intentionally leaving a few plot points unresolved. Despite these issues, I found “White Reindeer” a rewarding experience. And there's certainly few other films out there that grapple with the meaning of the holiday the way this one does. [7/10]
When I did my Don Bluth retrospective a few years back, one thing became apparent. The animation director has made some awful movies but, when he was on his game, the results were frequently fantastic. Bluth's first directorial credit was on an animated short, “The Small One,” made by Disney in 1978. I've always been curious about the short and decided this December was the one I watched it. The plot, set in the Middle East many years ago, concerns a father and son. The boy is especially attached to an old donkey he calls Small One. The father informs the boy that it costs more to feed the donkey than they make from him, telling the boy to sell the animal at market. The last minute plot point that makes this a Christmas movie should be fairly easy to guess, given the setting and time period.
Even Bluth's worst movies – and he made some stinkers – were usually beautifully animated. It's hard to know how personally satisfied the director was with “The Small One,” as he left the studio not long after it came out. “The Small One” isn't up to the standards of Bluth's feature films but it still looks lovely. It's hard to undersell the beauty of painted backgrounds or the vividness of detailed character animation like this. The story is awfully cute. Considering it revolves around the relationship between a young boy and an adorable donkey, it would be hard for it not to be cute. The short's moral – that even the smallest of weakest of us can serve the greatest purpose – is nice, even if the context of these events are easy to guess
“The Small One” is effective at what it does, though I wish the music was a little better. The title song, and the songs the boy sings to his donkey, are nice enough. However, the songs the various bankers and vendors in the marketplace sing range from forgettable to annoying. The short isn't quite a half-hour long but, with those songs cut, could've easily run shorter. It's a fairly pleasant take on the beginnings of the Christmas story, though Bluth's later work would easily eclipse it. [7/10]
2010 was, it seems, the year of European horror movies that put dark twists on characters more-or-less analogous to Santa Claus. The year brought us both Holland's “Saint” and Finland's “Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale.” Based on a series of popular internet shorts, about a company that captures and exports wild Santas in Finland, the film was the more critically admired of the two. Which was in contrast to the public perception. Seemed like a lot of fans felt this killer Santa Claus movie didn't deliver. Yet, ultimately, comparing the two films is as pointless as comparing the countries that birthed them. While “Saint” is a slasher flick, “Rare Exports” is a moodier exercise.
Far off in Lapland, a British team of excavator has uncovered something unusual deep within the ice. The team leader believes it to be the burial mound of Santa Claus. But this ancient Santa is not the giving, benevolent figure we know. This Santa is a giant, horned figure that devours children. Frozen in a block of ice but still alive, a group of elves – which also resemble the archetypal Claus – appear to free their master. They begin to kidnap children and radiators, melting the ice. A group of local reindeer farmer and butchers, along with their especially brave children, are tasked with preventing the dreaded Claus' return.
It's fair to call “Rare Exports” a slow burn. Despite the salacious premise, of a small Finnish village attacked by killer Santa Clauses, the film focuses more on atmosphere than exploitation. The first hour is about Pietari, the film's young protagonist, and his family noticing weird stuff is going on around them. We see far more evidence of the evil Clauses, like a field of dead reindeer or a body in a trap, before we actually see the sprites themselves. This leads to a sense of mounting dread, building up to the reveal of the elves and their evil master. To this, the film adds a very isolated, snowy, and extremely cold setting. Bright but detached, with a dusty wind frequently blowing in the background, Lapland becomes an ideal place to tell a story of chilly, Christmas fear.
So “Rare Exports” is not a horror movie packed full of shocks and scares. In fact, it often bends towards an odd sense of humor. The elves are nude in their natural states. This leads to bizarre images, like a herd of naked and bearded men trampling through the Finnish snow. Yet there's something ominous about the film turning a figure of holiday cheer into something more sinister. These elves are otherworldly, starring blankly with wide eyes. They have a naturally predatory attitude towards children, watching them with hungry expressions. There's little gore in the film but when the elves attack, they are swift, burying axes in scalps and throwing decapitated heads into the snow.
As someone fascinated with the mythological and anthropological origins of Santa Claus, “Rare Exports” scratches a few itches. To be totally technical, the film isn't about Santa Claus but Joulupukki. Though their modern iterations are basically identical, the Joulupukki is a far older character with pagan roots, possibly tracing back to Thor. The name literally translates to “Yule Goat,” which “Rare Exports” nods to by giving their frozen Santa giant horns. The character was, originally, said to punish children as often as he rewarded them. “Rare Exports” references this early on, showing a book devoted to pictures of Santa attacking children or boiling them in stews. To present an alternative origin story for the jovial gift-giving figure, one steeped in fear instead of glee, makes “Rare Exports” a film about how history is co-opted by consumerism. That the film literally ends with these Santas being shipped around the world as a product almost puts too fine a point upon it.
On a simpler level, “Rare Exports” is also about a boy's journey into adulthood. At the film's beginning, Pietari is a timid child. He still believes in Santa Claus. He closes his eyes when entering his father's workshop. He carries a stuffed toy with him everywhere, often talking to the plush animal. He is fearful of the sinister Santas at first, covering himself with home-made armor and leaving traps in the chimney. As the story progresses, Pietari becomes more bold. Eventually, the boy's quick thinking and bravery is what saves the day. That this turn happens when he discovers the truth about Santa Claus – around the same time he abandons his stuffed animal friend – connects this change with a loss of innocence. But it's not a bad thing, as he also earns his dad's respect. It's fairly simple writing but a solid execution of the character arc.
I can understand why those expecting a movie about a rampaging, evil Santa were disappointed in “Rare Exports.” It's going for something a little more pointed and a lot more subtle. If you're willing to play on the film's side, you're likely to find an interesting experience, with some intriguing ideas and an occasionally spooky moment. Finnish film scholars would probably find the movie an even deeper experience, as I suspect the script is also saying something about local traditions being adsorbed by corporate interest. If nothing else, it's one hell of an alternative Christmas movie. [7/10]
As a child of the nineties, the appeal of “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe” is largely lost on me. I came along too late for the original iterations of these characters and later reboots didn't draw me in. I find the random blending of fantasy and science-fiction elements to be nonsensical. While I'm a fan of campy eighties bullshit, the general aesthetic of the show leans a little too hard on the pastel side of things for me. Even the name strikes me as dumb. Is it necessary to accentuate that Prince Adam's alter-ego is both a “He” and a “Man?”
So, no, I've never seen “He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special” before. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen a single episode of either series before. Despite that, I decided to give this forty-four minute long holiday special a shot, primarily because its consider a seasonal camp classics by the reasonable folks at fine websites like Dinosaur Dracula and I-Mockery. Also, it's streaming free (and legally) on Youtube, so I really had no excuse.
As someone mostly unfamiliar with the lore of either series, I find the plot of this “Christmas Special” to be especially preposterous. Eternia, the sci-fi/fantasy world He-Man and his friends call home, is celebrating the birthday of the royal twins, the civilian identities of the titular heroes. Meanwhile, Prince Adam and Man-at-Arms are activating a rocket to spy on Skeletor, their arch-enemy. Magical sidekick Orko stowaways on the ship. He accidentally ends up on Earth and drags two human kids back to Eternia. The kids are getting ready to celebrate Christmas and bring the strange traditions to the alien world. This motivates the bad guys to muck up the incoming holiday celebration.
Like most every cartoon from the eighties, “He-Man” and “She-Ra” were designed to sell toys. To this goal, the Christmas special includes as many characters from both shows as possible. Some of these cast members strike me as especially absurd. She-Ra has a flying unicorn that talks with a surprisingly deep voice. There's a flamboyantly-voiced fairy that sprays rainbows, a random mermaid, a peacock feathered psychic, and some guy with an elephant head. Also included are a villainous henchmen with two bickering heads, cutesy robot friends, and a horde of evil transforming robots. Considering this special aired in 1985, one year after “Transformers” came to America, that last group of characters can't help but strike me as an especially calculated attempt to ride a rival property's popularity. The robots being evil, and easily defeated, might even be a petty jab at the other franchise.
While I'm generally a fan of stupid bullshit, “He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special” struck me mostly as incredibly annoying. The characters are blindingly colorful and most of them have obnoxious voices. Like Hordak, She-Ra's enemy and Skeletor's professional rival, who honks and slurps every few lines. Or Orko, who squeaks and rhymes, spending most of the special being captured by some bad guy. The characters without annoying voices, like He-Man and his sister, speak exclusively in banal catchphrases. The plot is both needlessly convoluted and ridiculously simple. It's a series of encounters between a bunch of inconsequential assholes, the heroes chasing plot devices or captured allies. What about those fucking kids? God, they're irritating. When they aren't whining, their spouting off exposition about Christmas for their new alien friends. They even have a song, a painfully saccharine musical number.
So what does “He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special” offer a Eternia skeptic like me? Skeletor being an endearing doofus, that's what. The show characterizes the villain as a bumbling employee, struggling against his own incompetence to please his finicky boss. The spirit of the holiday and the sickeningly sweet kid get to the skull-faced bad guy. He's inability to understand Christmas, and his dismay at being corrupted by the holly jolly festivities, are way funnier than probably was intended. Otherwise, I think I greatly prefer my “He-Man” to include Dolph Lundgren murdering people. Good luck with that one-hundredth attempt at a reboot, Mattel. [5/10]
Robert Mitchum's greatest legacy as an actor is his villainous roles. Mitchum's name is synonymous with roles like Max Cady and Reverend Powell, psychopaths driven by deviant sexual desires to to prey on women and children. Of course, Mitchum played many heroic roles, in westerns, film noirs, and movies like “The Story of G.I. Joe.” Yet, even during the main years of his career, there's no Mitchum movie quite like “Holiday Affair,” a light-hearted romantic comedy set around Christmas. Rumor has it, Mitchum was given the role following his arrest for marijuana possession. Though a flop in 1949, Turner Classic Movies' seasonal airing of the film has granted it some more attention.
Connie Ennis is a single mom and a widower. She supports herself with a job as a comparison shopper, working for one store but buying items from another. It doesn't pay much but Connie and her son Timmy still have a degree of happiness. Connie also being courted by Carl, a successful professional man who wants to marry her. While buying an expensive toy train set, Connie catches the eye of Steve Mason, a clerk at a New York department store. Connie and Steve strike up a strange friendship, primarily because she blames herself for him getting fired. As Christmas approaches, the two men begin to compete for the woman's heart.
So how does Robert Mitchum fare as a romantic lead? One of those reason Mitchum's villainous roles are so compelling is because he was an incredibly charismatic performer. This evident in “Holiday Affair.” Steve Mason is a somewhat charming guy. When chatting with a squirrel or gifting a tie to a homeless man, he seems like a nice enough fellow. He has Mitchum's other roles can't help but cast an ominous shadow over the film. When he's playing with Timmy, it's impossible not to think of “Night of the Hunger.” When he sneaks up behind Connie and kisses her forcibly, “Cape Fear” comes to mind. This is no fault of the filmmakers or Mitchum. The parallels are just unavoidable.
As a Janet Leigh vehicle, “Holiday Affair” is a little less unintentionally creepy. As a widow struggling to provide for her child, Leigh is likable. She's vulnerable but never lets her character seem too weak. That she's usually resisting the romantic advances of one man or another emphasizes that strength of sorts. It also helps a lot that Leigh has fine chemistry with her co-stars. Perhaps most important is her interaction with Gordon Gebert, who plays her son, Timmy. Gebert is a genuinely adorable kid. The way he sneaks peaks at the gifts his mother brings home seem authentic and cute. He's not just a cutesy kid, since he actually tries to help his mom and Mason out at one point, advancing the plot.
Honestly, the cast is probably what keeps “Holiday Affair” afloat. As a romantic film, it's got some problems. Connie is pulled between two guys and neither seem great for her. Carl is emotionally manipulative and not great with kids. Steve Mason is a lot nicer, looser, and funnier. But he also has boundary issues, continuing to pursue the girl even after she reveals she has a fiance. This peaks during a supremely awkward Christmas party with her parents, where he announces his feelings for the girl in front of everyone. Luckily, the comedy aspects work a little better. When Mason ends up in a court house, the judge's reaction to the absurd details of the case got a chuckle out of me. There's also a mildly funny scene involving an over-sized pair of pajamas.
“Holiday Affair” has been overlooked throughout the years and that's about right. I just finished the movie a half-hour ago and the details are already starting to drift from my mind. The central idea behind the film, of casting Robert Mitchum against type, ends up backfire, at least from a modern perspective. (Considering at least one poster made the movie look more like a anoir than anything else, maybe it's just not a modern problem.) However, the movie's cast is solid, there's one or two funny bits, and the kid is cute. And, hey, the Christmas atmosphere is strong too, which I also appreciate. The film is apparently well regarded enough to receive a television remake in 1996. Fluffy and forgettable, but totally serviceable on those terms, “Holiday Affair” is worth your time. [7/10]
“Darkwing Duck” – Disney's mash-up of “Ducktales” and “The Shadow” – is a fondly remembered bit of nineties nostaglia. This probably has more to do with its insanely catchy theme song and infectious catch phrase – “Let's get dangerous!” – more than anything else. The few times I've revisited the shot, I've found that it holds up better than expected. Despite being set in a world populated with humanoid ducks and mammals, Christmas is still celebrated in the city of St. Canard. “It's a Wonderful Leaf” concerns Bushroot, a supervillain that can control plant life. After a bad experience at a shopping mall, the bad guy begins a war against the holiday, using Christmas trees as his soldiers. Naturally, Darkwing Duck has to step in and save the day.
“Darkwing Duck” still works primarily because of its excellent voice cast. Jim Cummings' scratchy voice brings a nice manic energy to Darkwing and his civilian identity. His delivery of the hero's alliterative proclamations are especially amusing. The late great Christine Cavanaugh – who also voiced Chuckie Finster, Babe, Dexter, and Bunnie Rabbot – voices his mischievous daughter, Gosalyn, who mostly gets to react sarcastically to her dad's crimefighting antics. Naturally, she learns a lesson about charity before the episode is up. Dom DeLuise-soundalike Tino Insana plays Bushwick as a surprisingly sympathetic bad guy, who mostly begins his crime spree to being rejected by society.
It's a good thing that the voice cast is so strong because “It's a Wonderful Leaf” is not the show's most inspired half-hour. There's a few solid gags. Darkwing gets his beak stuck to a cold fire hydrant and, during a sleigh-assisted chase scene, has a gift box dropped on his head. Otherwise, the humor is not especially strong. The dialogue is full of puns, many of which are groaners. A bully character gets repeatedly dunked on, in a way that almost feels mean-spirited. A flying sled gag goes on for way too long. So this is obviously a program intended for young kids but it still made me laugh a few times, so I'll call it about even. [6/10]
Once again, my “Why Do I Own This?” column forces me to consider the career of Terry “Hulk” Hogan. Not his career as the Man Who Took Down Gawker with a Racist Sex Tape. Nor his career as perhaps the most iconic pro-wrestler of all time. I'm talking about that brief period in time when Hulk Hogan was allowed to star in movies. Due to his all-American face antics inside the ring appealing primarily to kids, most of Hogan's movies aimed for the primary school crowd. After the doldrums of quasi-hits like “Suburban Commando” and “Mr. Nanny,” Hogan's acting career more-or-less bottomed out with “Santa with Muscles.” The yuletide kiddie comedy is widely considered one of the worst Christmas movies of all time. Even as a kid, when I could reasonably consider myself a fan of Hogan, I missed this movie existing. Despite all this, for some reason, “Santa with Muscles” resides in my DVD collection. Good God, why?
The Hulkster stars as Blake Thorn. A bodybuilding millionaire who has built his fortune on diet supplements and narcissism, he goes on a crazy motorcycle-and-paintball trip with his cronies. Their riotous adventures ends up attracting the police. Blake ducks out of the high speed pursuit and into a shopping mall. By the way, it's close to Christmas, though the snowless California December makes that hard to guess. Blake grabs a Santa Claus suit as a disguise. He then bumps his head and catches that type of amnesia that only exist in movies. Blake wakes up believing himself to be Santa Claus. He heroically foils a robbery before becoming the defender of an orphanage threatened by a mad scientist.
At the same time, “Santa with Muscles” is also a really weird and, occasionally, interestingly stupid movie. Ed Begley Jr.'s bad guy is introduced ordering his henchman to torture another man. The aforementioned henchmen each have an odd gimmick. One guy is a doctor that knows kung-fu, another wears a beekeeper outfit and sprays methane gas. The sole female has electric superpowers. The quartet drive around in an ice cream truck, for unexplained reasons. It almost seems like “Santa with Muscles” was trying to be a superhero movie of sorts, as one of the orphans designs Blake a costume and a utility belt. (She's inspired by her favorite comic book hero, named Mega Man presumably because the screenwriters were unfamiliar with Capcom.) Things get even weirder when one orphan mentions magical fairies living in the church. This precedes the heroes discovering a secret cavern located under the building... A cave full of a rare type of hugely valuable crystals... Crystals that explode when struck or stepped on. I really didn't see that insanity coming.
In “Santa with Muscles,” Hulk Hogan essentially has to play two separate characters. This stretches Hogan's limited acting abilities far past their breaking point. In his early scenes, as the narcissistic millionaire, Hogan acts broadly. He coughs up list of asshole life rules, like a less murderous/more tanned version of Patrick Bateman. After receiving his bump on the head, Hogan begins playing Blake as a slightly clueless defender of the innocent. The highlights of Hogan's acting include a stilted television interview, which is less amusing and more genuinely awkward, and a singing scene. Yes, the Hulkster sings an insipid pop song with the little girl called “Angel Baby.” Hogan's singing abilities do not inspire much awe.
As in “Suburban Commando,” “Santa with Muscles” packs its supporting cast full of talented performers, in order to make up for Hogan's limited star power. Ed Begley Jr.'s performance as the bad guy, a germaphobe who eventually walks around in a space suit, is manic and goofy. He certainly acts circles around Hogan. Steve Valentine happily hams it up as Doctor Blight, the kung-fu kicking doctor who swings his stethoscope like a nun-chuck. Character actor Don Stark appears as Lenny, the mall elf who becomes Blake's unwitting sidekick. Though initially hoping to simply steal Blake's millions, Stark's Lenny always comes around to the ways of love and charity. Clint Howard gets the film's sole intentionally funny line, as a beat cop incensed by Blake's “Santa fraud.” Lastly, future star and sex symbol Mila Kunis appears as the snarkiest of the orphans. It's clear to see Kunis' talent, even when cracking lame jokes about comic books. She has a likable energy and clearly loves performing, even at this age.
Why Do I Own This?: I own “Santa with Muscles” mostly because I enjoy having a movie called “Santa with Muscles” on my DVD rack. Is it a terrible, incredibly stupid movie? Absolutely. Yet, as obviously bad as the film is, there's something weirdly endearing about how dumb it is. There's a lot of weirdness in this dumb-ass kid's movie, which contrasts in an interesting way with its sappy elements. Calling it one of the worst Christmas movies of all time is understandable but not entirely fair. There's probably holiday stuff out there equally dumb but lacking this film's half-witted moments of oddball inspiration. [5/10]
