Bangers n' Mash 103: The World of Harry Potter

This one was JD's idea. Regular readers may recall the retrospective of the Harry Potter films I did a few months back. At the time, this was done as the lead-up to a podcast episode about this same topic. But, the production of the Bangers n' Mash Show being what it is, the episode kept getting pushed back. So now that "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" is just a distant memory, here's an episode concerning the cinematic Potter-verse.

Through no extra planning, this might be one of our more entertaining episodes. Over not-quite-an-hour of audio, JD and I wander down some... Interesting conversational pathways. Such as the syntax of the phrase "big ass fucking snake," the correct pronunciation of the name "Dobby," British accents, the practical applications of an invisibility cloak, and what it means to be invested in a franchise. And along the way, I probably alienate both fans and non-fans of the "Harry Potter" series!



So now time for a tedious Film Thoughts update. As I'm sure you know, the Oscars are Sunday night. I had planned on posting four more reviews before the ceremony, including the reviews of the short films. The truth is this entire past week, I've had maybe the worst cold I have experienced in my entire life. This seriously cut into my productivity but I'm happy to say I'm finally getting better. I am unhappy to say there won't be any more Oscar reviews before my annual live-blog. I'll try and do better next year, you guys.

Catching Up with the Bangers n' Mash Show

You've probably noticed that Film Thoughts hasn't been updated very much here in January 2017. I have a reason for this. I'm sure you know that the last four months of the year - in-between the Halloween Horrorfest Blog-a-thon, the Christmas movie marathon, and my year-end rush to catch up with everything in the year I haven't seen yet - are a very busy year for me. I guessed that, combined with 2016 being a shit year for me, left me very burned out. I had big plans for this month but they just haven't happened yet.

I'm hoping to change that this week by beginning a new Director Report Card project tomorrow. Until then, hey, how about I post the last three Bangers n' Mash episodes that I haven't gotten around to posting?

Back in October, JD and I crossed one hundred episodes which would normally be a big deal. However, we lost episode 99 following my laptop crashing. (My laptop starting to die was another stressful thing that happened last year.) Since we planned on premiering episode 100 around Halloween, JD and I decided to skip ahead. But I ended up missing that release date, kind of negating the whole point. More episodes were recorded but some mounting insanity put the show on a temporary hiatus for about two months. This was not planned. During this off-period, JD and I even considered just ending the show. Eventually, we decided to go on for a little while longer. I don't know.

Anyway, here's the episode.

The original episode 99 with JD and I is lost forever, probably. My co-host wasn't interested in re-recording. While we considered just trashing it altogether, I decided to re-record the episode with Marcus Jones, of Crushed Celluloid and the Jean-Pod Van Damme. (Which I have appeared on, it must be said.) The topic? Horror films revolving around rednecks and hillbillies. I call it the Savage South.




The one hundredth episode is devoted the Chucky franchise. We picked this topic for our landmark episode because the original Child's Play movie freaked out so much as a kid.




After that, we returned to classic horror with an episode devoted to sci-fi/monster movies from the fifties, usually featuring radiation or aliens as a plot point. Give it a listen.



Hopefully, 2017 will be a more consistent year for the Bangers n' Mash Show. Until then, I'll be writing more. Hopefully. Can't make any promises.

Bangers n' Mash 93: Hammer Horror

Told you this would go up on the 31st, which it still is in certain parts of the globe.

The latest episode of the Bangers n' Mash Show has Zack and JD returning to a former topic. We're discussing the films of Britain's most iconic horror studio: Hammer! While we've discussed some of the studio's biggest franchises before (or will some day), this episode is devoted to some of Hammer's one-offs and oddball flicks.



If I'm being totally honest, this episode is a compromised affair. Once again, my co-host let me down and only bothered to watch a third of the films we had agreed to discuss. In order to make up for this, I solo recorded some thoughts on the other movies we intended to talk about. However, this month has been exhausting and extremely hectic. Time was running out and I made the decision to cut out my thoughts on "Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde" and "Demons of the Mind." I'm sure the twenty people who regularly listen to the show will be really broken up about this. I'm really sorry this episode sucks. I worked hard to get out what I could in the time I had.

FURTHER UPDATES: So remember how I said there would be another Memories article this month? This too is a casualty of how insane my life has been. If you want to know the truth, my grandmother had a heart attack two weeks ago. She's slowly been dying and these family details have been taking over my life. In other words, July has been a bit of a mess.

However, I sincerely hope August will be better. I don't know when but I promise that the new Memories essay, as well as another stand-alone review, will be up at some point this week. A new actor's retrospective will begin on the 8th. That is set in stone, I promise you. To anybody reading this: I'm sorry I let you down and promise I'll do better this month. See you soon.

THE JEAN-POD VAN DAMME!

That's right, guys, I have now guest hosted TWO separate podcast beyond my own! You may recall, a while ago, that I marathoned a bunch of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. This apparently inspired Marcus Jones - who runs his own very fine website called Crushed Celluloid, which you should definitely check out - to reach out to me with a proposition. He has decided to start a podcast devoted solely to the cinema of Van Damme entitled the Jean-Pod Van Damme podcast. He also, very kindly, asked me to co-host his first episode concerning, of course, "Bloodsport." How could I say no to that?!

The very first episode went up today, which you can listen to here. Marcus and I have already discuss me returning for future episodes, which sounds like a blast.

As for Film Thoughts, stay tuned. A new episode of the Bangers n' Mash Show has been up for a few days and I'll post a link here tonight, unless I forget. Another episode of Bangers n' Mash is in the editing bay and should be out this weekend. My Tobe Hooper/Texas Chainsaw Massacre retrospective will also continue later today. New No Encores, Why Do I Own This?, and Memories columns will also be released before the end of the month. As always, things are very busy here. See you soon.

Bangers n' Mash 89: Adventures of Indiana Jones

Hey, here's a new episode of the Bangers n' Mash Show! It's devoted to the Indiana Jones franchise, a relatively short but still beloved, hugely influential series of cornerstone films.

The reason we picked this topic, besides enjoy the films, is we figured this would be a fairly easy episode to record and edit. Ha ha, how naive! The last two weeks have been very hectic for me, which meant it was a struggle to get this episode out before the end of the month. I was off from work today and spent most of today cutting and editing this episode, in hopes of getting it out before June 1st. The episode wound up going up literally within minutes of midnight. But I did it, so hoo-ray for me.



That same hectic schedule has kept the blog updates from being as busy I was hoping. I try to get a Memories and No Encores feature up once a month. I'll miss that goal, this May. So here's the plan: A new Memories essay will go up tomorrow, on the 1st. A No Encore essay will go up on the 2nd. A new Director Report Card - a fairly large one, too - will being on Friday. Hopefully I can stick with that schedule. In other words, STAY TUNED.

WELCOME TO THE JCVD-A-THON!

Here at Film Thoughts, I usually focus on the covering the careers of directors, reoccurring features, or theme months revolving around a holiday or event. Last year, I did something a little different. In April, I devoted most of the month to the films of Arnold Schwarzenegger. In August, I naturally followed that up with a marathon of Sylvester Stallone pictures. I enjoyed both of these adventures a lot, guaranteeing that long-winded blogs about the careers of eighties action heroes is something I’ll do periodically. Which brings us to today’s subject.

Jean-Claude Van Damme has never been as respected as Arnold or Sly. Even at the peak of his popularity, his films never made as much money as his action movie brothers. His burn-out happened far more quickly as well, with Van Damme relegated to direct-to-video schlock by the end of the nineties. Over the years, he’s been unfairly dismissed, tossed in the cheap bins with rivals and sometimes co-stars like Steven Seagal and Dolph Lundgren. In my childhood household, Van Damme was never anything but a joke. My mom was found of referring to him as her “favorite comedian.”

Of course, Van Damme’s movies are funny and not always on purpose. That’s part of his charm. Eventually, as his screen persona involved, the humor would become mostly intentional. Jean-Claude Van Damme always had a quality that set him apart from Arnie, Sly, and certainly Seagal. He’s more European then even Schwarzenegger’s iconic accent, with a quirky quality inseparable from his Belgian roots. In addition to his considerable skills in kickboxing and karate, he also trained as a dancer. That balletic ability is apparent more often then not in his films, also distinguishing him from his competitors' brute strength. Even while playing cyborgs or superheroes, Van Damme is also gifted with an eccentric humanity. He can also do splits like nobody’s business.

His unique attributes as a star and the frequent hilarity of his films have undeniably made Van Damme a cult figure. The likes of “Bloodsport” and “Kickboxer” were often rented by teenage and younger boys in the eighties and nineties. Now, those boys are older and run equally snarky and reverent websites. They marvel at the star’s athletic talent while giggling at the movie’s shoddy screenplays and homoerotic content. (I absolutely do this too.) The steep ups and downs of Van Damme’s career has also contributed to that cult following. After years in direct-to-video obscurity, JCVD had a minor career revival last decade, suddenly appearing in still low budget but far more beloved features. He’s been more then willing to play up this image too, with appearances in meme-tastic commercials.

I’d be lying if I denied that the bizarre particulars of Van Damme’s personal life wasn’t one of the reasons I like him so much. He’s kind of a weird dude and I love that. A monstrous cocaine habit in the nineties definitely contributed to his swift tumble from the A-list. Drugs weren’t the star’s only vice, as he’s been married five times (twice to the same woman) and has been romantically linked with many others. He’s also bi-polar, which perhaps explains some of the above. Moreover, Jean-Claude has been extremely open about all of this. He’s frankly discussed his flaws while illustrating his other passions – family, dogs – in verbose interviews. There was even a reality show that explored his personal life so intimately, it bordered on embarrassing. Despite his failures, he’s kept on keeping on. Hollywood may be done with the Muscles from Brussels but, like many of his characters, he’s certainly not done fighting.

Of course, another reason I love doing these action star retrospectives is because I love list. You may recall that the Schwarzenegger Sweeps and the Sylvester Semester ended each review with a checklist, provided by my friends at AllOuttaBubbleGum.com, seeing how many of the star’s trademarks appeared in a given film. Naturally, Van Damme has a corresponding checklist of his own. Reflecting his quirks, the so-named Van Dammage is focused equally on his acrobatic fighting skills as his quirky on-screen personality. The list is as followed:

[THE VAN DAMMAGE]
[] An Entire Fight, Sans Shirt
[] Close-Up Screaming
[] Dancing
[] Jump-Kicks A Guy, Through Something
[] Performs Either a Split or a Spinning Roundhouse Kick

So get ready for eighteen days full of high kicks, splits, funny accents, and greasy pecs. As I review some of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s best and worst movies, I’ll attempt to figure out why he’s such a fascinating figure and probably have some laughs! The JCVD-A-THON begins now.

Director Report Card: Ivan Reitman (2014)

16. Draft Day

“No Strings Attached” was only a minor hit but it was still the biggest movie Ivan Reitman had directed in a while. The movie was also fairly mediocre while still managing to be Reitman’s best film in quite some time. Perhaps thinking he was on something of a comeback, Reitman made his first proper drama, “Draft Day.” Whatever good will his previous success won him was quickly squandered. “Draft Day” barely made a blip at the box office, just barely justifying its budget. The movie came and went at theaters so quickly that, when I looked up Reitman before starting this Director Report Card, I was surprised to see he directed it. Despite the film only being two years old, I had already completely forgotten it existed. I wish I could say “Draft Day” didn’t deserved to be so quickly discarded. However, Reitman’s latest is entirely disposable.

The day of the NFL Draft pick has come. Sonny Weaver, manager of the Cleveland Browns, has a number of difficult choices to make. Nearly everyone in the business agrees that a quarterback named Bo Callahan is the obvious pick. Weaver is being pressured by those around him to choose Callahan. Sonny, however, has his doubts. He favors other potential choices. Meanwhile, Weaver has also discovered that his girlfriend, a co-worker, is pregnant. His mother is preparing the funeral of his late father. Weaver struggles to make the right decision while those around him try to force his hand.

During his forty-year-plus career in the film industry, Ivan Reitman has never directed a straight-forward drama before. He has made plenty of comedies, a horror film, a legal quasi-thriller, some science-fiction mash-ups, and one or two movies that could be located in the action genre. Considering his frequently slap-dash approach to scripting, I wouldn’t expect dramas to appeal much to Reitman. “Draft Day” isn’t only a sports drama but focused on the behind-the-scenes shenanigans of the NFL, in a similar vein as “Moneyball” or “Jerry Maguirre.” Reitman is also Canadian, so I’m surprised he cares about American football at all. The point I’m making is “Draft Day” is a departure for the filmmaker and features few of his cinematic trademarks.

“Draft Day” is an inspirational sports movie but not the kind you’re use to seeing. Instead of focusing on an underdog player or team rising to the challenge and proving themselves, “Draft Day” is about an ethical man struggling to make the right decisions. People want Weaver to choose Callahan for the draft pick, a choice he is uncertain about. Yet the movie isn’t about Sonny’s soul, or people’s lives, or the future of the country. It’s about… Football? The movie tries to emphasize how important the sport is to the city of Cleveland. There are many lingering shots on bottom stickers and excited fans in the stadium stands. Multiple scenes are devoted to talk radio chattering about Ohio and how much football matters. Yet the focus remains on terse men making decisions in boardrooms. “Draft Day” tries to declare that sport team picks matter but it doesn’t convincingly make the case.

I don’t know shit about football. I couldn’t care less about it or any other sport. I get the parts about carrying a ball into a goal but don’t bother explaining yard lines, field goals or penalties to me. Any time I watch a sports-related movie like “Draft Day,” the script has to struggle to get me interested. “Draft Day” is heavily focused on the stats of the game, of which player means more. There’s a lot of chatter about the business of football, about trades and values. None of this means anything to me. “Draft Day” is about a subject I’m already disinclined to care about and focuses on an even more technical side of it. The movie does not make me care.

One could also make the case that “Draft Day” is a nearly two hour long commercial for the National Football League. Instead of making up a football league, the film was made with the direct involvement of America’s biggest sports federation. Actual team names are used. Aside from the Cleveland Browns, the film also directly mentioned the Atlanta Seahawks, the Jacksonville Jaguars, and many others. The NFL has had its share of controversies in recent memory. The long term effects of concussions, and the organizations’ handling of that topic, has made wave. This is aside from the violent, abusive, illegal actions of players, which the NFL is happy to sweep under the rug. “Draft Day” doesn’t reference any of this. The football player Weaver ends up picking talks about how he’s not in any gangs, how he lives cleanly. “Draft Day” represents a sanitized look at the football industry, about good men making hard decisions, and kindly doesn’t mention any of that other shit.

Kevin Costner’s days as a leading man in blockbusters are long behind him. “Draft Day” is exactly the kind of middling, middle-brow fare that Costner stars in these days. The film is in the same forgettable league as “Swing Vote” or “Black or White” or whatever this year’s model is. In other words, Costner is coasting on whatever appeal his white-bread, All-American charm had twenty years ago. In “Draft Day,” Costner spends the entire movie slightly peeved. He wears a facial expression conveying minor annoyance throughout all one hundred and fifty minutes of the movie. Occasionally, the character has outburst, kicking office chairs around, smashing desks, or tossing a computer into a wall. Costner mostly seems bored or agitated.

Playing Costner’s much younger love interest is Jennifer Garner. Like Costner, Garner’s career has seen better days. Once a viable candidate for America’s Sweetheart, Garner’s shots at big budget stardom never took off. This is why she’s in middle-of-the-road stuff like “Draft Day” and a dozen more like it. In “Draft Day,” Garner gets one or two scenes to herself. A notable moment has her pointing out that the top prize for the most macho game in the country is a piece of jewelry. She has a few private scenes with Costner, the two huddling inside a closest. Otherwise, the script doesn’t give Garner much room to create a proper character.

As minor as “Draft Day” is, Reitman continues to pull together a supporting cast full of recognizable names. Denis Leary plays the coach of the Browns. While the PG-13 rating –  appealed down from an R because of one use of “motherfucker” – doesn’t allow Leary to go on one of his trademark profane tirades, he still gets to bring some blustery energy to the part. Frank Langella shows up, playing a villain indistinct from the villain roles he played in Reitman’s “Dave” and “Junior.” That is, a bureaucrat trying to impede the efforts of the moral hero. Langella is not allowed to do much. Somehow, Ellen Burstyn was roped into appearing in this, as Weaver’s disgruntled mother. She does what she can to invest the routine material with some honest emotion but is strangled by the genre conventions the movie must follow. Her climatic heart-felt confession to Costner is eye-roll worthy.

Weirdly, “Draft Day” also packs the supporting cast full of cameos from known actors. Sam Elliott appears in one scene as the coach of a college football, gruffly announcing a few things before disappearing. Terry Crews appears in two scenes as the father of one of the drafted football players. Crews is presumably in the movie as a reference to his real history as an athlete.  His two scenes do not provide much oppretunity for Crews to utilize his considerable charm. (Crews’ seventies equivalent Jim Brown also has a cameo.) Sean Combs, otherwise known by Puff Daddy and a few other aliases, appears as the manager of another ball player. I don’t know why Puffy is in the movie. The bit parts come so fast that I can’t even remember what Rosanna Arquette, Chi McBride, and Tom Welling even did in this thing.

Ivan Reitman’s direction has always been unassuming. He gets the job done, pointing the camera at the actors and the action without drawing too much attention to himself. In his most recent picture, Reitman breaks that trend. “Draft Day” makes gratuitous use of split screens. Actors frequently walk between portions of the screen, dividing the screen further. Since so much of “Draft Day” is devoted to people chatting on the phone, this is a mildly clever way to show two people communicating. A timer counts down throughout the film, leading up the actual draft announcement in the final act. Whenever the film cuts to a new location, the name of the city and the corresponding football team appears on-screen. “Draft Day” is not a good movie but I’m giving Reitman some credit for at least trying to make it interesting to look at.

“Draft Day” breaks another trend that Reitman has utilized in almost every other movie he’s made. There’s a notable lack of pop songs on the soundtrack. Instead, the tense confrontations in boardrooms and offices are backed by John Debney’s score. Debney’s score is earnest and usually overwrought. Trumpets blare in triumph during the big scenes while soft strings play during the small scenes. Many of the sequences emphasizes the movie’s timeline are supported by nervous music, attempting to buff up suspense. Just as Reitman’s films from the late eighties and early nineties have music that immediately mark them as belonging to that decade, “Draft Day’s” score will probably be looked back on as indicative of the middle naughties. (Assuming people will remember this movie at all, which they won't.)

I am not the target audience for “Draft Day.” I don’t care about football, not even a little bit, to the point were I’m mildly hostile to the entire concept. That’s just a result of my life as a nerd and a dork. I’m not sure if people who actually care about football will get anything out of “Draft Day.” The reviews were mixed. The mediocre box office suggest that not many people could be brought to pay cash for “Draft Day.” If Reitman makes another film any time soon, it’s unlikely to be another dramatic experiment. [Grade: D]

This was not the most rewarding Director's Report Card. The shit I went through just so I could talk about the "Ghostbusters" movies... Reitman has made a few memorable movies, mostly with the help of Bill Murray or Arnold Schwarzenegger. Without a strong leading man, it seems his films range from forgettable to awful. It was frequently a struggle to say so much about such dire material. But whatever, it's done now. Reitman mostly works as a producer these days. His upcoming credits include - of course - the new "Ghostbusters" film and the upcoming feature adaptation of "Baywatch." Maybe that's the position the Canadian comedy maker should stay in. Considering the legacy of his few genuine classics, I still expect Reitman to cough out another forgettable flick or two before he officially retires from directing.

Coming up next on Film Thoughts!: New episodes of the Bangers n' Mash Show! New "Why Do I Own This?" and "Memories" columns! Some other stuff! Probably! See you soon!

MEMORIES: David Bowie

I don’t normally do this kind of thing here at Film Thoughts. This is a movie review blog and I take that mission statement rather literally. I don’t even feel comfortable talking about the people who make movies outside the context of a specific film. The closest I come to covering recent events is reviewing a new release. Even that can take me days or weeks.

But something happened today that I can’t ignore. David Bowie died. Very little of what I’ll say today has to do with Bowie’s acting career, which makes it a tenuous topic for a Memories column. His film work was eclectic and often great. “Labyrinth” may be an item of eighties nostalgia but it’s also a pretty great film. “The Man Who Fell to Earth” is inscrutably weird at times yet undeniably impressive. Few musicians or performers of any sort stir the kind of memories in me that Bowie does. Or “did.” Referring to him in the past tense still feels awful. Or perhaps “will” is better. His music still touches me. It always will.

Bowie was someone I recognized from a young age. I watched “Labyrinth” a lot as a kid and my mother, dad, and sister were all fans. However, like many of his fans, I didn’t truly discover Bowie until I was a teenage. I was about fourteen years old when my sister loaned me her copy of “Bowie: The Singles – 1969 to 1993.” The two disc set was a fairly standard greatest hits collection, a little heavier on his eighties pop star era than most are. The set exposed me to more than the inescapable huge hits, like “Changes” or “Rebel Rebel.” The mournful solidarity of “Space Oddity,” the epic rock myth-making of “Ziggy Stardust,” the powerful proto-punk guitars of “Suffragette City,” the cloying sci-fi sexiness of “Drive-In Saturday.” As a teenager in the American South, I hadn’t heard many of these songs before. The New Wave experimentation of “Sound and Vision,” “DJ,” or “Ashes to Ashes” seemed new to me, at the time.

That’s the thing with Bowie. No matter when you discover him, his music still seems exciting, vital, important. The man was an innovator even in his final days. His twenty-fifth album “Blackstar” just came out last week. That a 69 year old man dying of cancer could still make challenging, engaging music that functions as fantastic rock n’ roll, exigent art experiments, and powerful personal statements… Well, for anyone else it would be extraordinary. For Bowie, it’s what he always did.

Across his long career, he performed in countless styles and was an innovator in a lot of them. The man codified and popularized glam rock. Even when covered in glitter and make-up, his music had the rumble and grit that would influence the punk movement. His work of the late seventies formulated the synth-pop and New Wave music that would rule the next decade. When he decided to become a full-blown pop star, he sure-as-hell mastered that as well. I know it’s cool to dis the blonde pompadour period but “Let’s Dance” is tremendously fun and fantastically listenable. Even his failed experiments were interesting. In the nineties, he took stabs at hip hop, industrial music, electronic dance music, and headlined a hard rock band. Not all of it worked one-hundred percent. I’m like the one guy in the world who can’t stand “Young Americans,” for example. Yet it was always definitively his own. His influence is still felt. Every indie-rock band around today owes him something.

But you don’t need me to tell you that. As an awkward, confidence-lacking teenager, I spent hours listening to his music. After playing “The Singles” so much that my sister just gave it to me, I started buying his albums as often as I could. The first time I heard “The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars,” it hit me so powerfully. “Five Years” made me weep, capturing so perfectly what you imagine the end of the world might feel like. “Rock n’ Roll Suicide,” in a single song, had the man reaching out to all his listeners, begging them to know they’re not alone.




It’s a great album, so is “Diamond Dogs” and “Aladdin Sane.” The latter might still be my favorite Bowie album. While “Ziggy” is grand and powerful and still rocks, “Aladdin Sane” trembles with an apocalyptic energy rarely matched since then. As a teen desperate to be cool, Bowie became my standard model of awesomeness. “Aladdin Sane” makes the listener imagine a post-apocalyptic world full of drugs and sex, with Bowie as the immaculately composed ring-leader and guide. Many of the piano driven songs feel like they're being performed in a night club on the edge of the end of the world. Yet the album still has the confidence to wrap up with a giddy Rolling Stones cover and the yearning “Lady Grinning Soul.” One time, I can recall waking up at the five in the morning with that song stuck in my head. Even though I had to get ready for school, I stopped every thing I was doing and popped in the CD. That’s the hold Bowie’s music has over me, that it’ll always have over me.
 

David Bowie evolved and changed so much over his career, that he matured with his listeners as well. Or rather, whatever Bowie you need at any point in your life is always waiting for you. “Station to Station” and the Berlin trilogy were a little to eccentric for my teenage ears. As a twenty-something, reeling from heartbreak and struggling to live my own life, I saw a lot of myself in the Thin White Duke. “Stay” is about longing to make a deep, personal connection. “Word on the Wind” is about wanting to break a cycle of negative behavior and find emotional solace. “Always Crashing in the Same Car” is about still repeating the mistakes of the past. I never did cocaine or thought witches were trying to steal my semen but the neurotic, isolated music spoke to me.

That’s another thing about David Bowie’s astonishing body of work. He was reluctant to admit it, sometimes. During the production of “The Next Day,” his penultimate album, he denied the music was about himself. Yet his songs were always piercingly personal. In “Ashes to Ashes,” he looks back on his decadent seventies rock star life style with regret. The “Sweet Thing” triptych that comprises most of ‘Diamond Dogs” makes references to loosing your mind in a storm of drugs and abuse, something he was surely experiencing at the time. The more relaxed melodies of “Hours,” “Heathern” or “Reality” – all tremendously underrated albums – frequently spoke to what Bowie’s role was in a changing world.

When “Blackstar” came out, none of us realized it would be his last album. Now, it’s obvious he knew the end was soon. “Lazarus” begins with the lines “I’m in heaven” and concludes with “Oh, I’ll be free.” In the music video, he lays in a hospital bed, surely reflecting the treatments he underwent while ill. The clues were hiding in plain sight. The man no doubt intended it this way. A few days ago, the songs meant something different than what they mean today. “Blackstar” is clearly the work of someone facing down their own mortality.

Yet, even as he grew older, David Bowie seemed immortal. For years, the guy appeared to barely age. While promoting “Earthling” in 1997, he sported a goatee and looked as cutting edge and daring as anything else on MTV at the time. I remember the first time I saw the man after he suffered a heart attack in 2004. It was in an ad for satellite radio, of all things, and I was startled by how old he suddenly seemed. Age was catching up with him. But watching the videos for “Lazarus” or “Blackstar” last week, it never occurred to me he was ill. He looked like a 69 year old man but, in many ways, he still appeared the way David Bowie always did.

When I learned he had died last night, I was shocked. I actually shouted “What?!” very loudly several times. The rest of night I was sleepless, feeling numb and dazed. Even today, I’ve constantly been reminded of his sudden passing, a tinge of sadness welling in me every time. Just the other day, we were celebrating his return and now we’re commiserating his death. The outpouring of grief on the internet, of fans and supporters coming together to acknowledge their idol’s passing, has helped a little. We all thought David Bowie might live forever, that he would be as ageless and unstoppable as the alien-like, pansexual entity he often played on-stage.

Bowie was number one for me. I can't put into words how his work influenced me, opened my eyes, or changed my view of the world. It will be quite some time before I acclimate to a planet Earth without him. When your pop culture heroes die, it’s the universe’s way of preparing you for the death of your loved ones. I never knew the man yet I’m one of millions who felt a powerful connection to him, through the game-changing, culture-busting, immortal work he produced. David Bowie may be gone but the effect he had on music, fashion, film, art, the innate definition of “cool” and the millions of fans who loved him will never disappear.

Bangers n' Mash Post-Halloween Catch-Up Double Feature!

The second half of September and the second half of October are the busiest months of the year for me. Watching two movies and two TV shows a day, not to mention writing full reviews of all of them, can be exhausting. Truthfully, I was so focused on the Halloween Horrorfest Blog-a-thon last month that I completely forget to post the new Bangers n' Mash episodes. That's right, readers, in addition to watching and blogging like a mad man, I was recording and editing podcast episodes!

This first one will seem especially irrelevant. Back in the first week of October, I put up the audio version of my con report of Monster-Mania 32. It was a lot of fun and I managed to get the George Romero Q&A panel entirely on tape. If you didn't read my write-up and are curious about a month-old horror convention, give it a belated listen.



The second episode of the month went up just a few days ago, making it this year's Halloween episode. JD actually picked out this topic. After buying "Night of the Lepus" and "Day of the Triffids" on DVD last summer, he suggest we do an episode about horror movies with ridiculous or unlikely threats. (This should show you how far in advance we plan out the show.) I, naturally, took this idea and ran with it, creating a far longer list of things to talk about then he probably expected. We both agreed that this would be a quirky, fun topic for a Halloween show. I suppose it was.



And now, the post-Halloween blog update! November is usually a slow month for Film Thoughts. I guess I'm always a little hung over after the end of the Six Weeks of Halloween. However, I'm hoping to avoid that this year. Come back tomorrow for a new long-form review! Later in the month, I have a new Director's Report Card to debut! I also plan on writing new entries in my "What Do I Own This?" and "Memories." Hopefully, everything will go according to plan. I hate it when it doesn't.

WELCOME TO THE SYLVESTER SEMESTER!

Back in March, I devoted nearly an entire month to the films of Arnold Schwarzenegger, the greatest action hero of all time and one of my all-time favorite movie stars. During that time, another name occasionally came up. That person was Arnold’s most popular rival, his former business partner, and occasional latter day co-star: Sylvester Stallone. If Arnold was king of eighties blockbusters, then Sly was the prince or something. Should someone carve a Mount Rushmore devoted to action cinema, Stallone and Schwarzenegger’s face would be side by side.

To be totally honest, I’ve never been as big of a fan of Stallone as I am of Arnold. During the nineties of my childhood, Arnold was still an immediately recognizable pop icon. Stallone, on the other hand, was washed up. Each one of his new movies would become either jokes or bombs. I remember seeing the poster for “Get Carter” in the window of my local video rental place and wondering why such a critical punchline was given such a prominent place of honor. By the end of the decade, he would be appearing in direct-to-video films. It wasn’t until the new millennia, when Sly would revisit his most famous characters for successful revivals, that any of the star’s box office clout would be restored. These days, Sly is still kind of a joke but he’s aware of that status, communicates with it, and seems determined to keep working well into his old age.

There’s a few reasons for this. Firstly, Stallone has had a much longer career then Arnold. Sly has been a star since the mid-seventies. His days of eighties action stardom was actually the second or third stage of his career. When his nineties low years happened, it was the natural side-effect of being on-screen for three decades. Secondly, Stallone wasn’t just an action hero, once upon a time. The original “Rocky” was a low-key character drama, after all. There was even a time when he wasn’t a ‘roid-infused mountain of muscle on-screen. He looks like a totally normal human being in his early movies! After becoming a cinematic murder machine, he hasn’t returned often to his dramatic roots. His stabs at comedy have been even more awkward then Arnold’s. Stallone seems content to focus on his action movie stardom these days, if the upcoming new entry in the “Rocky” series is any indication.

It’s also important to remember Stallone is an honest-to-god auteur. He has written, directed, and starred in several of his own films. “Academy Award-nominated screenwriter Sylvester Stallone” is not something that appears in the trailers often but it’s still a fact. Rocky and Cobra, just to name two, leaped directly from his own mind. Even characters he didn’t technically create, like Rambo or Tango, have a tendency to become Sly’s possessions. He’s all too often characterized as a mumbling, slurring meat head but Stallone is obviously a smart, creative, incredibly driven person. That his movies frequently reflect his own career seems to support this.

So welcome to THE SYLVESTER SEMESTER! I’ll be taking a different approach to Sly’s oeuvre then I did Arnold’s. I won’t be discussing either the “Rocky” or “Rambo” series during the next seventeen days. I intend to get to these iconic series eventually, I promise you. However, during this project, I want to focus on the one-offs and weird digressions. Reviewing the two R series would lead to them dominating the semester. Instead, I’ll be tracing all the stages of Stallone – the early days of success, the eighties super stardom, the embarrassing nineties, and the eventual comeback – through his other works.

As I did with my James Bond Series Report Card and Schwarzenegger Sweeps, I must acknowledge my friends at AllOuttaBubbleGum. None of this would be happening without them, as the site has hastened my love and interest in action cinema. As with the previously mentioned projects, the website also has a checklist devoted to the cinema of Sylvester Stallone. Called “The Stallownage of Sly,” the list is far quirkier and represents Stallone’s more eccentric career. Each review will be followed by the check list, each corresponding item checked off. The list is as follows:

[THE STALLOWNAGE OF SLY]
[] Frank Stallone or Frank Stallone-esque Inspirational Music
[] Incapacitates or Kills Someone With His Body
[] Shows Off Buffness
[] Social Outcast [Underdog, Has Been, etc]
[] Sweaty, Veiny Yelling

Let’s journey into the eighties and beyond as we explore the career of action cinema’s meanest mumbler. This isn’t your worst nightmare, this is Film Thoughts. Boredom is the disease and watching a bunch of Sylvester Stallone movies is the cure.

Bangers n' Mash 66: Buddy Cops

Hey guys! Seems like it's been a while, doesn't it? Here's the most recent episode of the Bangers n' Mash Show that actually went up on the 31st of May. It's about buddy cop movies. Yes, that's why I posted a bunch of reviews of movies in that genre late last month. Assuming you're not too old for this shit, give it a listen.



So why am I only now posting this video to the blog? (And have been neglecting Film Thoughts in general?) The simplest answer is that real life has been slightly hectic here of late. The real answer is that, after rushing to get an episode of the show out on time, I tend to forget to post it here after getting it on Youtube at the last minute. A sincere apology to listeners of the show. I'll do better next time!

For fans of Film Thoughts, I have further news! A new Director's Report Card will begin TOMORROW. It's an exciting one about one of the most successful filmmakers of all time, one I've been meaning to do for a while. I've actually been working hard on new content for the blog over the last two weeks. Here's hoping the summer will be fun and exciting.

Meanwhile, I am now on Letterboxd, that wacky website devoted to film fans and what they watch. I've posted a few reviews there and plan on posting more in the future. The Director Report Card reviews will probably continue to be Film Thoughts exclusive and most any movie reviews I write will be published here first. If you feel so inclined, follow me!

WELCOME TO SCHWARZENEGGER SWEEPS!

I have this wacky theory. Please humor me: Arnold Schwarzenegger is the last movie star. Let me explain. The public conception of what a movie star is was formed in the forties and fifties. When I use the phrase “movie star,” I’m referring to something very specific. A star is someone who extends beyond being a mere actor and becomes an icon. A movie star has mannerisms, vocal tics, fashions, and trademarks that are immediately recognizable. If you walk with a cowboy gait and speak in a slow drawl, everyone knows that’s John Wayne. If a girl push her dress down when there’s a gush a wind, preferably while giggling girlishly or seductively, everyone knows that’s Marilyn Monroe. And if you pump your biceps while speaking in a thick Austrian accent, everyone knows that’s Arnold Schwarzenegger. Even if you’ve never seen any of the movies those people are in, you know who they are.

Yes, I really am elevating Arnold Schwarzenegger to the same cultural status as Charlie Chaplin, Greta Garbo, Humphrey Bogart, James Cagney, Judy Garland, Clark Gable, Sean Connery, Charlton Heston, Julie Andrews, Jack Nicholson, Arnold's most prominent rival Sylvester Stallone, and many others. When I say Schwarzenegger is the last movie star, I’m not saying he’s the last star to become a huge box office draw. That’s obviously not true. I’m saying he’s the last star to make a definite, long-term effect on the vast pop culture sphere. You could make the case for Tom Cruise or Will Smith. But does anyone immediately recognize a Tom Cruise or Will Smith impersonation? Will people be cracking Jennifer Lawrence jokes in twenty years? During his political career, there were many jokes that Schwarzenegger wanted to become president. Ultimately, that wasn’t necessary. Arnold is already as famous as any president. His popularity has already outlived several administrations.

Arnold’s most lasting contribution to cinema – Nay, the world! – is being the ultimate eighties action hero. The action genre is different today. We can CGI any schlub into an explosion. That’s fine. However, these days, unless you’re a superhero or an old-timer, the modern action hero is harder to define. There’s a distressing trend though. Hollywood action hero frequently are a generic, interchangeable guy with a buff body, a shaved head, usually an Australian accent, and names like Jai Courtney and Sullivan Stapleton. Back in the eighties, even the worst action heroes had more personality like these guys.

The eighties made action movies like no other decade. Not everyone loves these sorts of movies. I get that. The movies’ entertainment value and their dumbness usually go hand in hand. For we aficionados of the genre, it has everything we love about action movies: Big muscles, big guns, big explosions, questionable acting abilities, piles of dead bodies, R ratings, and a fine layer of ridiculous cheesiness to make it all go down easily. And Arnold was the unchallenged king of that type of movie, starring in many of the best examples.

So welcome to SCHWARZENEGGER SWEEPS! Film Thoughts doesn’t usually do theme weeks. I’m not planning on starting now. Originally meant to go for seven days, my research into the oeuvre of Arnold grew ever larger. How did you ever expect me to choose between “Red Sonja” and “Red Heat?” So for the next fourteen days, I will be reviewing a movie starring everyone’s favorite Austrian. This will not be a comprehensive journey. Many of Arnold’s most iconic roles and movies, including arguably his trademark series, will be saved for future Director Report Cards, some of them coming sooner then later. This decision left me with the odds and ends of Schwarzenegger’s career, some of them forgettable, some of them fascinating. Either way, we’ll do a good job of tracking the body-builder’s road to stardom, his golden age, and the various rises and falls that followed.

Last month, I watched all the James Bond movies. At the end of every review, I included a checklist of stats, an idea gratuitously stolen from AllOuttaBubbleGum, a website devoted to action movies and one of my favorites. It may not surprise you to hear that AOBG, as we regulars call it, also has a check list for Arnold Schwarzenegger. So each review during the Sweeps will be accompanied by The Signs of Schwarzenegger, five frequent trademarks of the star. They are, as follows:

[THE SIGNS OF SCHWARZENEGGER]
[] Performs Ridiculous Feat(s) of Strength
[] Says, “I’ll be back.”
[] Shows Off Buffness
[] Unnecessarily Violent Opponent Dispatch
[] Wields A Big Gun or Sword With One Arm

So kick back, light a stogie, and let off some steam. Somewhere, somehow, someone had to go on a journey to the center of Arnold Schwarzenegger. This looks like a job for Film Thoughts!

Zack Clopton's 2014 Film Retrospective

“It bothers me a lot that you want to broadcast that you're associating with…

ZACK CLOPTON’S 2014 FILM RETROSPECTIVE!!!”


Standing at the ass end of 2014, we critics of popular culture and cultural identity are besieged by temptation to attempt to sum up an entire year of events in as few, pithy words as possible. I used to try to do this. Now, the culture moves too quickly, too instantly, for any paragraph to accurately capture twelve months of tragedy, scandals, and world events. 2014 will doubtlessly go down in history as a year defined by racial conflict, protest, and upheaval, all of it dually deserved. I can’t joke about this. I can’t even joke about GamerGate. You know what I can joke about, what I can speak about with knowledge and understanding? Movies. It’s what we’re all here for anyway.

I’m never satisfied with my output. In 2014, Film Thoughts published more reviews and posts then any other year before. I completed eight Director Report Cards, a number I haven’t met since the blog’s first year of existence. The Halloween Horror-Fest went by with a rocket’s pace and I somehow kept up. I met my goal of 24 episodes of the Bangers n’ Mash Show, my fake podcast Youtube talk show thing. Better yet, the show has continued to grow, finding more listeners and fans and people who leave feedback, all of which I am eternally, truthfully, thankful for. My biggest personal achievement was that I finished and published a book, something I’ve been wanting to do my entire life. All of this is good news. Yet I’m not pleased. I wanted to do more, to complete more. Oh well.

Something else I do every year is make a short list of those entertainers who have died in the previous year. I considered not doing this as well, as it’s horribly sad and probably summed up on better, more appropriate places on the internet. Yet I have to because it’s how I pay tribute to their incredible lives. Robin Williams’ shocking passing is surely the one that touched the most people, especially people my age whose lives were so defined by his films and comedy. With the death of Carla Laemmle, the last bridge to the golden age of Universal Horror, a period of film that means so much to me, is severed. We lost cinematic icons like Lauren Bacall, Philip Seymour Hoffman, James Garner, Shirley Temple, Sid Caesar, Bob Hoskins, and Eli Wallach. We lost cult icons like Joan Rivers, Harold Ramis, Casey Kasem, Dick Smith, Christine Cavanaugh, Edward Herrmann, Menaham Golan, Richard Kiel, Marilyn Burns, Billie Whitelaw, and the Ultimate Warrior. And at the bottom of my list is Mickey Rooney, a man whose impending death I have joked about many times over the years. Now that Mickey truly is dead, I just feel sort of sad and bitter that I ever kidded about loosing a cinematic legend. Let’s have a moment of silence for all of them.

Good and depressed now? Fine. Let’s perks everyone up by discussing the Year in Cinema. Of all the years I’ve been doing these retrospectives, 2014 is destined to be one of my favorites. Just scroll down and look at my top 20 and see how many incredible films are listed there. It was a year of indie breakthroughs, important auteurs doing important work, and summer blockbusters that aspired to great art. As complete as this list is, I still didn’t see everything I wanted to, like “Whiplash,” the divisive “Birdman,” or “Inherent Vice.” Limited releases and deadlines will get you every time.

Without further delay, I present THE LIST, a comprehensive collection of mini-reviews detailing each new release I saw in the last twelve months. I saw 89 in total, tying with 2010 for my highest number yet. Let’s collect some memories together.

FOUR STARS:

1. The Babadook
Director Jennifer Kent has a perfect grasp on tone and execution. She starts with creeping dread and continues on to full-blown terror. The fully committed performances and excellent production design cements the deal. After 90 minutes of total fright, the movie builds towards a cathartic ending, revealing itself as a touching parable about coping with trauma.

2. Guardians of the Galaxy
James Gunn has made a talking raccoon and a tree man two of the year’s most beloved characters. Despite their oddness, the characters are imbued with lovable neurosis. This, along with a hysterical sense of humor and highly quotable dialogue, roots the epic sci-fi story in a common humanity. Gunn made an awesome blockbuster without sacrificing his indie weirdness.

3. The Grand Budapest Hotel
Exquisitely designed with rocket-sled pacing, Wes Anderson’s latest masterpiece features a brilliantly comedic performance from Ralph Fiennes, a surprising amount of action, plenty of hilarity, emotional and touching story detours, and a nesting doll framing device that turns the film into a meditation on the nature of storytelling.

4. Life Itself
A momentous achievement, a great film to sum up a great film lover’s life. Archival clips, interviews, and Ebert’s own words contrast with his sad, final days as a sick man. The film’s devastating climax is Chaz, Ebert’s beloved wife, tearfully discussing her husband’s final hours. Yet this is a celebration of Ebert’s great life too, a touching, beautifully realize tribute.

5. Interstellar
Nolan’s sci-fi epic is packed full of big ideas but grounded in plausible science. The images are vast and unforgettable. The worm hole or fifth dimensional finale are unlike anything ever put to film before. The execution is thrilling. The cast is compelling, right down to the awesome robots. Its greatest achievement is that the far-out plot is rooted in understandable, honest emotion.

6. Godzilla
Most importantly, the movie gets Godzilla right. He’s a destructive force of nature that saves the world, not necessarily humanity. The design is great and he’s treated with a sense of awe rarely seen in modern films. The other monsters are impressive too, the movie is beautifully shot, and features plenty of exciting action. Yes, the human characters are a bit dry but I still loved this.

7. The Guest
Adam Wingard’s follow-up to “You’re Next” starts out as dark comedy before exploding into full-blown action, with some sci-fi/horror thrown in. Dan Stevens gives a star-making performance as the titular psychopath. The plot reveals itself nicely. The electronic soundtrack is amazing. And the end is set in a Halloween haunted attraction? Holy shit, this movie is awesome.

8. Snowpiercer
Despite being a sci-fi allegory for class struggle, the latest from Jong-ho Bong doesn’t waste any time getting to the action, both frantic and balletic. The production design is amazing, creating a fully-formed world. A fantastic ensemble cast, including a dramatic Tilda Swinton and a hyper Allison Pill, gives the story its humanity, creating a well-rounded, thrilling and thoughtful film.

9. The Double
In equal measures hilarious and sad, director Ayoade brings out dark humor in the film’s Kafka-esque setting. The story is awash in neurotic impulses and real-world despairs, building to an ending that is up-lifting but doesn’t cheat. Eisenberg’s dual performance is impressive and he is ably supported by a great cast.

10. Blue Ruin
Revenge is a tangled path and that’s never been clearer then here. Deconstructing the vigilante film, the killer is a soft-spoken normal guy. Special attention is paid to the aftermath of violence, a quiet humor coming through. Violence begets more violence, until everybody’s dead. Brilliantly acted and directed, this takes “blood for blood” to its uneasy conclusion.

11. Cold in July
Pulp at its finest, the twisty plot heads down a number of unexpected paths. What starts out as an ice cold thriller eventually transforms into a captivating mystery, a bro-tastic dark comedy, and an incredibly gritty, violent action-crime film. The perfect electronic score, chilly direction from Jim Mickle, and an ideal supporting turn from Don Johnson solidifies this as a great modern noir.

THREE AND A HALF STARS:

12. The Dirties
Unflinching look at high school bullying. The movie-obsessed main character might be hard to stomach but his fandom characterizes the entire movie, especially the ultra-meta found footage device. Strong acting and an emotional gut-punch of an ending help disguise that this is actually a very familiar story. I related to far more of this then I’m proud to admit.

13. Big Hero 6
A joyously fun comic book yarn. Baymax is the film’s breakout character but the entire cast is quite lovable. The action sequences are dynamic. The visuals, especially near the end, are spectacular. The story eventually reveals itself as a touching metaphor about surviving grief. It’s also really funny, with plenty of quotable, memorable lines. Disney’s winning streak continues.

14. Nymphomaniac: Volume I
The narration has a hypnotizing effect on the viewer. The frank dialogue and explicit sex contrasts with the elegant music and emotional rawness, making this far funnier then expected. The unrelated fishing tangents are hilarious. Highlights include Uma Thurman’s gloriously bitchy cameo, a devastating meditation on loosing a parent, and the music-based montage finale.

15. Noah
Reconfigures the Bible story into an apocalyptic tale about the wages of faith. Noah becomes a morally ambiguous anti-hero, a nihilist who has to regain his trust of humanity. The direction is frequently amazing, such as the awe-inspiring “creation of the universe” sequence. Aronofsky’s Biblical revisionism will offend some but the changes make the universal tale resonate more.

16. Nymphomaniac: Volume II
Though not as absorbing as the first half, “Nymphomaniac” remains captivating, just as funny, guileless and fascinating. Highlights include comparisons of trees, the involving lengthy S&M sequence, Lars von Trier goofing on his own “Antichrist,” Charlotte Gainsberg’s fearless acting, emotional catharsis, and an ending engineered to create debates.

17. The Raid 2
A bigger storyline bloats up the plot and doubles the runtime. The gang war plot is not always coherent. But who cares when every action scene is a brutal masterpiece? Which bone-crunching sequence do you prefer? The prison riot? Machete Man’s rampage? Hammer Girl on the train? The amazing car chase? Rama’s climatic beat down express? There’s plenty to choose from.

18. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Unusually quiet for a summer blockbuster. Much of the dialogue is subtitled sign language and the film concerns characters and their relationships. When the violence does explode, it’s visceral and sudden. The film continues the “Planet of the Apes” tradition of fantastic world-building. Serkis and Toby Kebbell give fully committed performances. The effects are mostly seamless.

19. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Rooting the story in real world paranoia lends this more weight then it otherwise would have had. The script is surprisingly risky, breaking the rules of the Marvel universe. Chris Evans gets Cap 100% right, a man lost in a world were his morality seems old-fashioned. Functioning fantastically as both a thriller and an action film, this is easily a highlight of Phase Two.

20. Lucy
Despite starting with the 10% fallacy, that is merely the MacGuffin to launch into some weird sci-fi. This functions fine as an action flick, including a great car chase and some fun shoot-outs. As a sci-fi flick, this becomes a surprisingly, massively entertaining abstract head trip in the last half-hour. A very controlled ScarJo and a wickedly villainous Choi Min-Sik are the cherry on top.

21. Willow Creek
Considering how overexposed both found footage and Bigfoot movies are, it’s a surprise that this is quite good. A long sequence, depended solely on sound design, generates some real tension while the final scene is genuinely shocking. I like how ambiguous this is about its subject matter. Who would’ve thought that Bobcat Goldthwait could’ve made a good horror movie?

22. Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead
Successfully expands upon the original. There’s more Nazi zombies, more gore, and it’s way more hilarious. The American zombie squad characters are great, very funny addition. The story heads into all sorts of unexpected directions via a magical arm transplant and, yes, an army of Soviet zombies. The only flaw is the local police subplot that never goes anywhere.

THREE STARS:

23. Only Lovers Left Alive
Mostly about two pretty great actors playing off of each other. The vampire plotline is merely a device to create properly world-weary characters. The film is more concerned with two people with very different approaches to life and how they interact and love each other. Swinton and Hiddleston are mesmerizing, the soundtrack is excellent, and Jim Jermursch’s direction is lyrical.

24. The Lego Movie
Far smarter then expected, the script satirizes the “chosen one” story-arc and police state concerns. The jokes are rapid-fire, helped along by an incredible cast and a keen sense of the absurd. The animation maintains the charm of stop-motion while utilizing the freedom CGI allows. As far as toy-based, February kid’s flick goes, this certainly is awesome.

25. How to Train Your Dragon 2
Successfully expands upon the first film, with more dragons and a bigger world. Hiccup’s Mom is a worthy addition to the cast. The stakes are much higher and the battle scenes are impressive. A kaiju-sized dragon provides some wonder and thrills. The darker tone seems to counteract the fact that, at the heart of things, this is still a goofy kids’ flick about the power of friendship.

26. Enemy
Brooding, entirely psychological thriller with an almost oppressive paranoid tone. The story, of a man confronting his doppelganger, is rooted in disturbing questions of identity, self and fidelity. The unexplained giant spider symbolism adds an extra-layer of creepiness. Jack Gyllenhaal successfully creates two characters, one of which is very twitchy and nervous. Great score too.

27. Grand Piano
Utterly preposterous thriller sold by very stylish direction, fun performances and an excellent score. The use of colors and cut-aways are fantastic. Elijah Wood and Cusack have fun doing their respective “nervous” and “psychopath” acts. The ending goes on a little long but this is still very entertaining thriller as long as you can go along with its absurd plot twists.

28. Tusk
At times, the absurd premise is played straight. Like Michael Parks’ sincere performance or the horrifying walrus-modification. Other times, it acknowledges the ridiculousness. Like Johnny Depp’s baffling performance or the climatic walrus duel. The script is also about an asshole regaining his humanity. It might be Smith’s most polished film and is certainly his oddest.

29. Cheap Thrills
Potent, darkly hilarious satire that brings the one-percent’s abuse of the middle-class down to visceral, literal earth. An especially game cast, most notably Pat Healy and David Koechner, keep the story grounded, even as it spirals off in a more outrageous direction. The ending is a bit blunt.

30. 13 Sins
Pitch-black dark comedy that slowly involves into a decent thriller. The put-upon protagonist is likable and watching him break his moral code is fun. There’s enough gore to satisfy this horror fan. The ending packs a decent shock, even if it could have been better. The subplot exploring the Game was extraneous. This, coincidentally, makes a good double feature with “Cheap Thrills.”

31. Edge of Tomorrow
Clever sci-fi blockbuster. There’s far more humor then expected and a bit of pathos too. The mobile armor and squirmy aliens create dynamic and exciting action scenes. By taking the role of a coward, Tom Cruise creates his most humanistic role in decades. The final act is dark and routine which is a bummer since the preceding film is far better then it had any right to be.

32. Wolf Creek 2
Greg McLean understands sequel escalation. Essentially a distillation of slasher films, sadistic killer Mick morphs into a villain protagonist, cracking pithy one-liners while slaughtering victims in increasingly elaborate fashions. The film switches heroes several times, accordingly. When a victim distracts Mick with dirty limericks, it seems this sequel is actively mocking the original.

33. Night Moves
After the shapeless “Meek’s Cutoff,” Kelly Reinhart rediscovers pacing. Though this is still deliberately paced, it goes toward building a quiet, extended sense of unease, making for a potent thriller. The tension in the second half, after the dam explosion, becomes almost unbearable. Elle Fanning’s performance is one of her best yet. The ending is frustrating inconclusive though.

34. A Fantastic Fear of Everything
Freaky British comedy that makes good use of Simon Pegg’s manic charm. Pegg’s stream-of-consciousness rants actually power the whole film. Most of it is set inside a Laundromat, of all places. The madcap humor produces decent chuckles, the surreal segues into animation are appreciated, and the shift into serial killer horror/comedy is genuinely unexpected.

35. The Town That Dreaded Sundown
More even then the original film. The murder scenes are incredibly intense and viscerally gory. The direction is stylish. The meta elements are clever but I wish the movie did a little more with it. Turning the story into a whodunit seriously misses the point though. The reveal of the killer is easily the weakest aspect of an overall fairly decent horror film.

36. Tracks
After a first half-hour overly dependent on voice-over narration, this evolves into the moody, quiet character study it was meant to be. Mia gives a typically excellent performance, saying so much despite usually being silent. A gritty sense of hopelessness sets in over the stretched-out story, which makes the hopeful ending earned. I wasn’t a big fan of the shoehorned in romance.

37. Premature
“Groundhog Day” reimagined as a teen sex comedy. While vulgar, the movie has likable characters and extends its premise to delightfully deviant places. The ribald dialogue is hilarious, mostly thanks to Craig Roberts’ brilliant performance as the perverted best friend. The quasi-racist Iranian characters are the only distasteful thing about this otherwise amusing high school comedy.

38. Open Windows
2014: The year of Elijah Wood starring in ridiculous thrillers. The twisty script keeps you guessing while the not-quite-found-footage visual gimmick is done well. The premise becomes increasingly unbelievable as it goes on, until it’s absolutely nuts by the end. You just have to go with it. The cast is decent, save for Sasha Grey who is terrible.

39. The Unknown Known
Errol Morris asks reasonable questions and Donald Rumsfield, more often then not, gives obfuscating, confusing, double-speak-and-mixed-metaphor filled answers. Thus, the film becomes about a deceptive and contentious historical figure rewriting events to suit his needs. Not Morris’ deepest reaching film but fascinating as a look into Rumsfield’s twisted logic.

40. Life After Beth
As an irrelevant take on the zombie apocalypse, this is frequently amusing, especially the talkative zombies’ obsessions with soft jazz and attics. As a zom-rom-com and metaphor for the end of a relationship, it’s less successful and hampered by a lack of focus. The actors are committed though, which contributes laughs and makes up for some of the broader moments.

41. Starry Eyes
Alexandre Esso’s brave acting centers this not-exactly-subtle horror metaphor for how Hollywood chews up and spits out fresh young talent. The film maintains a tone of disquieting creepiness throughout. The disgusting body horror segue midway through doesn’t truly work and the ending goes too far. I did like the murder-heavy last third though.

42. The Tale of the Princess Kaguya
Visually spectacular, the film looks like a painting or a woodcutting brought to life. The last film from Isao Takahada is a charming, quietly funny fairy tale about raising children, destined to leave their parents behind. The flying sequence and the moon-set finale are the highlights. The film is too long and the lengthy scenes devoted to the princess’ suitors are extraneous.

43. Boyhood
Without the 14 years gimmick, I think this would have been less well received. The performances are admittedly impressive, especially Ethan Hawke as the coolest dad ever. However, there’s no real plot, its way too long, Linklater overdoes the pop culture signifiers, I could have done without the line-up of drunken stepdads, and the last ten minutes hammer home the film’s point.

44. The Sacrament
If the director’s intention was to create a disturbing, on-the-ground recreation of the Jonestown Massacre, he succeeded. The final third is horrifying in a very serious way. However, I wonder what Ti West’s plan was beyond that. Life in the cult, and a slow reveal of the abuse of power, should have been explored more. A well-made film but not one I’d ever want to rewatch.

45. 300: Rise of an Empire
As in the original, the highly stylized action and operatic violence is exhilarating before growing tiring. This sequel is slightly better paced and does attempt to address the problematic politics of the original, slightly. Mostly, it’s about Eva Green owning all of her co-stars so hard, especially the hunk-of-meat leading man. A movie all about her character would have been captivating.

46. Dinosaur 13
Engrossing documentary about the ownership issues of Sue, the world’s most complete T-rex fossil. The film’s drama mostly comes from the messy place where science, profit, and government bureaucracy meet. The court case drama is a bit tedious and the film is most engrossing when allowing the paleontologists to detail their love for the dinosaur.

47. Automata
Once the action shifts to the desert, focusing on the robots’ attempt to build their own society, this becomes a decent action-thriller with aspiration towards thought-provoking sci-fi. It certainly makes up for the relatively unimaginative first half. Antonio Banderas makes a decent lead though the cast around him is more uneven.

48. Hercules
Campy cross between sword and sandal flick, a superhero movie, a deconstruction of myths, and an ensemble war movie. The Rock gives one of his most nuanced performances yet and the supporting cast is full of prime character actors. The action is silly but entertaining and the plot is routine but reliable. The CGI could have been better and some moments are a bit self-serious.

49. The Box Trolls
Odds are good that this is the most grotesque kids flick you’ll ever see. The villain swells up, the title monsters collect trash, and the female lead is a budding vore fetishest. The eccentric qualities sometimes work, like with the confused henchmen. Sometimes it doesn’t, like with the rickety ending. Laika still creates a fantastic on-screen universe but this is their weakest effort yet.

50. The Expendables 3
Too much time is spent on recruiting the New-pendables and their first mission. Because the cast has grown so large, established characters get less screen-time. The movie won me back with a bonkers action-and-reference-packed last act. Dancing Banderas, an eccentric Snipes, a monolouging Mad Mel, and even a dirt-bike riding Kellen Lutz are great additions to the team.

51. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies
Finally and at last, it’s over. Smaug is killed off far too quickly. Thorin’s greed quickly dissolves into melodrama. All the subplots we don’t care about from the previous movies are resolved. While some of the action swings into silliness, most of it is diverting stuff. The cast remains strong. The story refocuses on Bilbo and the movie only has four endings.

52. WolfCop
Unlike most indie mash-ups with outrageous premises, this one delivers. The WolfCop is fueled by liquor, quips cheesy one-liners, blows up a meth lab, fires a Tommy gun, and has a slow-motion sex scene. The laid-back first quarter actually prepares you for the wackiness to come. I found most of the dialogue genuinely hilarious. The ending’s a bit low-key but, eh, I liked it.

53. Before I Disappear
“Curfew” was a great short. This feature-length expansion maintains all the great moments, like the bowling alley dance scene. However, beefing up the runtime creates a number of unnecessary subplots. The film’s symbolism is frequently too pointed. Shawn Christensen and Fatima Ptacek remain fantastic and the film still looks great.

54. Not Safe for Work
Affable thriller and quasi-slasher featuring some decently constructed tension and an amusingly charismatic killer. At only 70 minutes, the movie has no problem putting its decent premise to good use. The cast is likable enough too, providing some humor here and there. Only a lame last minute twist and non-ending damage this entertaining, light weight snack.

TWO AND A HALF STARS:

55. Under the Skin
Visually spellbinding mindbender? Deconstruction of the male gaze? Needlessly ponderous arthouse remake of “Species?” Scarlett Johannson’s second best role as an inhuman character this year? All of the above. Though artfully constructed and occasionally lyrical, the film mistakes “underwritten” for “meaningful.” I really liked the scene with the deformed man.

56. X-Men: Days of Future Past
As a conclusion to the original “X-Men” series, this proves satisfying. The future scenes are gritty and exciting. As a sequel to “First Class,” it disappoints. Wolverine is forced into the story, the script is jumbled, and other characters are simplified. Still, the mutant power filled action scenes are very well done and I liked the retcon-heavy happy ending.

57. V/H/S: Viral
The “V/H/S” series grows increasingly rough. The framing device abandons the VHS gimmick, is incoherent, and ends obnoxiously. The magician story is cheesy with overdone effects. Nacho Vigalando’s segment is nicely perverse. The final segment features some fun gore and uses the camera creatively. The result is not entirely satisfying. It might be time to put this series to bed.

58. Horns
The latest from Alexandre Aja starts out strong. Daniel Radcliffe gives a soul-barring performance, there’s plenty of twisted dark comedy, and the murder-mystery plot takes some appropriately devilish detours. However, a flashback heavy structure cripples the pacing. An absurd last act, which features a CGI-assisted fight scene, ends this one on a major sour note.

59. Return to Nuke ‘Em High Volume 1
An unfiltered glance into Lloyd Kaufman’s brain. High-lights include show-tune singing cretins, the inability to remove Kevin the Duck, a weirdly sincere lesbian romance, exploding nerds, acidic breast milk, and unprovoked dog murder. The Troma-ness is at maximum levels, so it’s endlessly grotesque and crude, incredibly bizarre, barely coherent, and sometimes inspired.

60. Walk of Shame
Elizabeth Banks is talented. The cast is packed full of likable performers, doing their best to charm the audience. This counts for a lot since the screenplay for “Walk of Shame” is fairly dire. The ridiculous escalation of events calls too much attention to themselves and jokes are frequently repeated. A little more audacity, or less lazy gags, would have made this far funnier.

61. The Purge: Anarchy
Expands on the original while sacrificing focus. There are a handful of exciting moments, like the flamethrower-aided tunnel chase or the government death squads. However, the characters mostly wander from set piece to set piece, the story never finding a rhythm. This is likely to be best remembered as a vehicle for up-and-coming action hero Frank Grillo, who is capably badass.

62. The Amazing Spider-Man 2
Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone and Sally Field work great together, each getting amazing moments to themselves. The action perfectly recreates how Spidey moves on the page. However, by shoving the Green Goblin in at the end, it winds up rushing an important, emotional story. There’s so much build-up here that the whole movie feels like one long first act.

63. Raze
If you want to see beautiful women fight to the death in brutal ways, this flick is for you. As a vehicle for Zoe Bell’s strengths, as both a fighter and an actress, this is fairly successful. However, the rest of the cast is weak. Mostly thanks to the bone-crunching violence, I was with this one up until the unnecessarily downbeat ending.

64. The ABCs of Death 2
Slightly more consistent then the first go-around with more fun and less up-its-own-ass weirdness and pretensions. There are some fantastic shorts here, like “S,” “M,” “R,” or “Q.” However, there are still many annoying, needlessly vulgar, or just plain pointless segments, like “G,” “L,” “N,” or the excretal “P.” There’s still too wide a variance of quality here for a healthy recommendation.

65. Dracula Untold
Turning Dracula into a misunderstood victim is a problem that hampers the whole film. The conditions they impose on Drac are fairly silly but his outrageous superpowers are a lot of fun. Like when he’s killing a whole army or making a bat-fist. However, the rest of the movie is as generic as possible, with its slick editing, shaky action, bland actors, and route origin story.

66. Killer Legends
Connecting the killer clown legend to James Holmes and the crime scene photos are tasteless. The documentarians are too eager to put themselves on-screen. Some insight is given to the poisoned candy and babysitter legends. Unlike their previous film, this one doesn’t connect unrelated threads too much. Yet an urban legend documentary should have been much more.

67. What If
Fancies itself as an improvement over the usual rom-com formula when it actually plays most of the clichés straight. Yes, Daniel Radcliffe and Zoe Kazan’s chemistry goes a long way and the dialogue is frequently hilarious. Yet the supporting characters are caricatures, the production design is needlessly twee, and the super-happy ending is in no way earned.

68. A Field in England
Don’t do mushrooms, kids, especially if you live in 18th century England. The film is almost plotless, the characters aren’t very distinct, and the actors are lost amidst the craziness. The film’s real value lies in its wacked-out images, many of which are haunting, lyrical, and longingly strange. Ben Wheatley stumbles a bit with this one but remains promising as a filmmaker.

69. Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie
Considering this was made completely independently, the movie does some impressive things. The film survives off James Rolfe’s limitless charm and a decent supply of jokes. But it’s too long, the pacing falters, and none of the new characters are endearing. The in-jokes will make fans cheer and that’s ultimately who this (somewhat self-congratulatory) labor of love is for.

70. Sin City: A Dame to Kill For
A ludicrous final segment, which features Ghost Bruce Willis, Jessica Alba trying to act like a badass, and absurd action, drags down the whole movie. The other stories are a little better, though the visuals are not as fresh and it’s just as overheated and sexist as the first film. If nothing else, this way-late sequel supplies solid parts for Powers Booth and a pitch-perfect Eva Green.

71. Lucky Bastard
“Porn shot gone horribly wrong” premise differentiates this from the found footage lot. The actors are solid and the execution is grim. However, the anti-porn message is fairly immature. The plot starts running out of ideas halfway through, throwing scenarios around until it’s time to end things. I admire the filmmakers’ moxie but I’m not sure this one was worth the investment.

TWO STARS:

72. The Rover
Not a lot happens in this Australian-made, post-apocalyptic thriller. Guy Pierce is suitably intense in the lead but Robert Pattinson is insufferable as the Faulker-esque manchild he befriends. While the production design is handsome, the plot is simplistic bordering on monotonous and the minimalistic musical score quickly grates.

73. Blood Glacier
Mediocre monster movie mostly notable for its reliance on practical effects over CGI. There’s a certain trashy fun to be had here, with its rubber monsters, cheesy dubbing, and shallow characters making bad decisions. However, that fun is not enough to sustain the whole film. This one peaks half-way through. You’re likely to forget most of it by the next day.

74. The Muppets Most Wanted
By removing Kermit from most of the story, it neuters the movie’s emotional heart. Constantine isn’t that amusing and centering an entire film around him was a mistake. The laughs are there but badly hampered by lame jokes about the French. Even the music isn’t as good, relying heavily on catchy but forgettable hooks. It’s not the worst Muppet movie but far from the best.

75. All Cheerleaders Die
Lucky McKee let me down. The tone pinballs between goofy comedy, high school satire, and serious horror. There are too many characters and few are properly developed. Some bizarre moments are amusing while others were thrown in for the hell of it. The lead actress is a bore but some of the supporting parts are decent. The end promises a sequel I am not looking forward too.

76. Very Good Girls
Covers ground other, better films have before. Elisabeth Olsen and Dakota Fanning are talented but underserved by their thin characters. The girls talk energetically but never feel like real people. The script mines obvious drama from them making dumb decisions. The movie spins into an especially contrived, melodramatic direction near the end. The soundtrack is good.

77. RoboCop
Director Jose Padilha has some interesting ideas. He understands that “RoboCop” is a satire and a character study in addition to being an action film. However, a void of a leading man, a routine plot that unfolds in the least interesting way possible, wonky CGI, and a last act descent into boring conspiracies makes for yet another mediocre remake. Michael Keaton has fun.

78. Almost Human
Alien abduction-themed slasher is mostly worth it for some gory kills and a few inspired gross-out images. Even with a cast this small, there’s still not enough time to develop every one properly over the brief runtime. The shaky-cam direction is tired but there’s one or two decent moment of drawn out tension.

79. Space Station 76
Less a parody of seventies sci-fi then a not-that-funny satire of ‘70s social foibles set in outer space. Most of the humor comes from Marisa Coughlan’s insecure, overly medicated mother and reoccurring visits to a robot psychologist. The production design is great and, aside from a typically wooden Liv Taylor, the cast is game. But this collapses into dour psycho-drama before the end.

80. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Has a decent grasp on the Turtles’ personality, which goes a long towards mitigating the horde of other problems. Like the needlessly rejiggered origin. Or the unsettling designs. Or the shaky-enough-to-be-incoherent direction. Or the bland visual sense. Or an uninspired Megan Fox performance. I guess what I’m saying is, this movie has a lot of problems.

81. Stage Fright
The perfect slasher-musical has yet to be made. None of the songs are particularly memorable. Giving the killer a metal scream is clever on paper but obnoxious in execution. Every time the slasher scenes build up some momentum, the movie cuts away. The mystery is obvious and the humor falls flat. Only a hammy Meat Loaf and some cute girls stand out.

82. Stonehearst Asylum
Derivative attempt to resurrect the Victorian costume drama psychological thriller. The cast, full of recognizable faces, play exaggerated caricatures. The various twist and turns of the story are easy to spot. The biggest issue is a mood that can’t decide between breezy and comedic or grim and brooding, which the far-too-lighthearted score and super-happy ending empathizes.

ONE AND A HALF STARS:

83. Knights of Badassdom
Until the director’s cut of this long-shelved nerd-friendly would-be cult classic emerges, we’ll never know if it could have been better. There are few laughs, the characters are broad and simplistic, the overqualified actors seem embarrassed, and the whole film comes off as very cheap and reductive. Joe Lynch’s next movie probably will be better.

84. Annabelle
Annabelle, the creepiest thing about “The Conjuring,” plays only a small role in her own movie. Most of this is devoted to dreary studio horror clichés: Deafening sound designs, jumps scares, overdone effects, and dumb things done to prolong the plot. Many of the scare sequences are unrelated to the overarching plot. The ending is hella’ anticlimactic too.

85. The Big Ask
Being a Gillian Jacobs and Melanie Lynskey fan, I watched this strictly for them. The premise is too thin, so the script throws in cameos from Ned Beatty, a cactus-man and a verbally abused dog. The second half features characters coming to melodramatic, easily avoided assumptions. There are few laughs and little reason for the audience to care.

86. Mr. Jones
Centering a found footage thriller on an outsider artist isn’t a terrible idea. However, this falls into the pitfalls of the genre. The leads aren’t captivating and make increasingly stupid decisions. The movie does not earn the nightmare-like scares it aspires too. The insipid, unending last act is torturous. Turns out, spooky looking scarecrows aren’t enough to build a movie around.

87. Patrick
Begins as a series of jump scares delivered with a jackhammer’s frequency and a sledgehammer’s subtly. Eventually devolves into overly elaborate attack scenes and shitty CGI. The script is overheated and the film leans hard on Pino Donaggio’s verging-on-self-parody score. This is a shame since the cast is talented. It’s all so overheated that I wonder if it was meant to be funny.

88. Kite
Adaptation of a controversial anime that sucks out everything interesting about the source material. The setting is grimy, the actors are bored or bland, the directorial style is overdone, the story is tedious, and the obnoxious dub-step music desperately wants to be the Chemical Brother’s “Hanna” score. Even the excessively gory action is self-serious and boring.

ONE STAR:

89. Leprechaun Origins
Ever wonder what a gritty reboot of the perennially goofy Leprechaun series would look like? Pretty people wander into a horror set-up boldly derivative of better films. Spam-in-a-van victims, shaky-cam direction, a generic monster design, lazy gore, overused visual gimmicks, and everything else about this is utterly uninspired. Where’s Warwick Davis when you need him?

-

So that was 2014, a pretty great year for film. Last time I had a list that long, I broke the post in half. This year, I didn't much see the point. These retrospectives are always insanely long anyway. Might as well cram it all in at once.

Return to Film Thoughts tomorrow for my annual Film Preview of my most anticipated new releases of 2015. Until then, have a safe New Years and, as always, thanks so much for reading. See all of you again soon.