MEMORIES: Christmas

No holiday is more nostalgic than Christmas. It’s that way for most people, I imagine. Halloween has always been my favorite but there’s no doubt that the 25th of December loomed large in my mind as a child. As a kid, you look forward to it all year, writing your Christmas wish-list up months in advance. This doesn’t make me unusual. American culture has done a good job of elevating Christmas above all other holidays in the national consciousness. Like everyone else, I have many memories associated with Christmas. Considering that’s what this essay series is all about, I figured I’d share some Christmas memories. Since this blog is Film Thoughts and not Holiday Thoughts, all of these memories are focused around movies.

As I’ve been a film fan my entire life, I’ve frequently received movies as gifts. The first time I ever got VHS tapes as a present was so long ago that I can’t even remember unwrapping them. I must have been two or three years old. For Christmas that year, my Aunt got me all the Don Bluth movies out at the time on VHS. I have the vaguest memory of seeing those tapes under the Christmas tree. I heard about the gift so much that this might not even be a real memory. I watched those tapes of “Secret of NIHM,” “An American Tail,” and “The Land Before Time” so many times that the boxes became frayed and tattered. I’m fairly certain this is my earliest Christmas memory.

My next memory is from December of 1996. My parents’ marriage was over. My dad was already living in our basement at the time. He would stay there for about a year before moving out. Because of this, we held Christmas in the basement rec-room that year. One of my dad’s favorite movies is “Highlander.” At the time, we were even members of the Official Highlander Fan Club. They would send us a catalog every few months, full of cheesy merchandise. My dad’s gifts would frequently come from that magazine. A bathrobe, a baseball cap, letter openers, and replica swords were some of the things we ordered. Anyway, I know this was 1996 because one of his gifts that year was the 10th anniversary VHS release of “Highlander.” I remember this because I accidentally opened it. My mom has always reused gift bags, so names and tags would frequently get mixed around. I suppose this is what happened because I remember opening a bag and seeing the tape inside. I sheepishly handed the gift bag to my dad afterwards. No, I don’t know why this memory has lingered in my brain for so many years.

By next December, my dad had moved out. Despite being separated, my parents have always tried to maintain a good relationship. For a few years, we had Christmas over at his place. Another one of my dad’s favorite movies is “Billy Jack.” My dad even loves the totally bonkers sequels. He has weird taste. Around that time, the entire “Billy Jack” series had been released in a VHS box set. I distinctly remember this set because the box had a faux-denim pattern to it. The back of the box happily declared that this was the first time “Billy Jack Goes to Washington” had been released on home video. When my father unwrapped the box, he was nearly moved to tears and told us “it was the best gift we ever got him.” That was a sweet gesture but, that it was directed at such odd films… Well, that’s just my dad.

Kids have notoriously bad taste. In 1998, I would’ve been ten years old. So I was still in the age range where my taste was questionable. Two would-be blockbusters that came out the previous summer was “Lost in Space” and “Godzilla.” I saw both in the theater. I liked the former but didn’t enjoy the latter that much. Both were out by Christmas and, for whatever reason, I asked for both. My cousin, who is about fifteen years older than me, ended up gifting both to me that year. This memory sticks out to me two reasons. We opened gifts at my grandparents’ house that year. It was an unusually December that year. I remember the sun light shining through the picture window, onto the big couch where we all sat. My grandfather would pass away the next year which is why, I suppose, this memory sticks out to me. I watched both tapes a lot, even though both movies are fairly lousy.

That same cousin was also a frequent shopper at our local Suncoast, the topic of the previous Memories column. As I got older, my taste in cinema became far more discerning. As a teenager, extended family members would ask me what I wanted for Christmas. I got into the habit of writing up very long lists of DVDs I wanted, saying anything from the list would be fine. When we visited with my cousin’s family for Christmas, I unwrapped a box with three films inside. I don’t recall what the third one was but I definitely remember receiving a budget version of “The Shining” and “Superman II.” I didn’t own the first “Superman.” On one hand, you have to put on a polite face for family members. That disappointment can be hard to mask though. I’m pretty sure my cousin didn’t notice. I discreetly returned both disc and purchased superior versions. It happens.

Sometimes, I received unexpected gifts from that side of my family. One year, I can recall unwrapping the “Dr. Phibes” films, the Midnite Movies release from MGM. The gift was from my grandmother, who was hardly the person to buy me horror movies for Christmas. She’s a devout Baptist, just to give you an idea. I later learned that my mom bought the movies and gifted them under my grandmother’s name. Still, the pleasant surprise I felt when opening that present has stuck with me. Despite better editions of those films being released, I’ve hold onto those discs for sentimental reasons.

In my recent review of “Jingle All the Way,” I mentioned a holiday tradition I had many years with my cousin David. (This is on my father’s side, so a different cousin.) We bonded over our mutual appreciation of quote-unquote bad movies. At some point, we got into the habit of buying each other “bad” films. I can remember the unwrapping genuinely wretched movies like “Zombie 4: After Death.” More often though, he’d gift me with odd-ball classics like “Killer Klowns from Outer Space” or “Slugs: The Movie.” I didn’t get as many opportunities to return the gestures as I would have liked. I do know that I, one year, gave him such classics as “Breakin’” and “American Ninja 4.” After David got married, his wife, not entirely grasping the tradition, bought “Epic Movie,” a different breed of stinker. David has his own life now, including kids and a hectic job, and we don’t see each other very often. Hopefully some day, we can resume this tradition.

As you get older, you tend to receive fewer gifts on Christmas. That’s normal. It’s more fun to watch a little kid open a gift then a twenty-something. But my mom has always been very generous around Christmas. She’s very generous period but especially during the holidays. For a while, DeepDiscount.com used to have fabulous summer sales. The website is still around but it isn’t as popular. Like Amazon or other retail sites, you could make wish lists. At least two years in a row, during the summer sales, my mom would order a bunch of titles from my list. At Christmas, I’d open them up, not knowing what I got but knowing it was stuff I approved of. That was always fantastic fun. Many of the great, weird titles in my collection I owe to this. I can remember getting both volumes of the Mario Bava Collection, for example, or “The Forest.” It’s not often that an adult child can be surprised by a parent at Christmas. This was a good way to maintain some of that childhood excitement, of not knowing what was under the tree.

Not every film-related Christmas memory I have involves gift-giving. A few weeks before December of 2009, I met a girl. It wouldn’t take very long for me to fall head-over-heels in love with her. You could argue I was on the rebound, as I had my heart broken not long before this. In about the space of six months, I’d have my heart broken again. Anyway, Christmas was nearly there. We had dinner at a fantastic Mexican restaurant, where I’ll always remember she said the mushroom were “scrumptious.” A local park, every year, does a night time light show. I’d understand if someone would consider that tacky. Lighting the entire park up with fifty light displays and a million bulbs probably is tacky. However, I’ve always liked visiting. I remember her remarking how much her little sister would enjoy the show. Or the two of us stopping and watching the dancing lights on the trees at the center of the park. Or how her breath plumed out in the December cold, her shoulders shaking under her silver jacket. How does this relate to film? The two of us bonded over our shared love of weird-o cinema. “Rocktober Blood” was one of the first things we ever talked about. After the Christmas light show, we returned to her apartment for a movie night. She had never seen “May” or “Hot Fuzz,” which I was quick to correct. She really liked both. I also brought along Argento’s “Deep Red” but we didn’t make it to that one. By the time the relationship ended, she still hadn’t seen it.

Two or so years later, I was dating a girl I’ll call Elyse. We both had family plans on Christmas Eve and the 25th, so we endeavor to spend the 23rd together. A moment I’ll never forget is waking up the next morning, the light streaming through the windows, casting an early morning glow over her basement apartment. She had forgotten to unplug the tiny fiber-optic Christmas tree the night before. It made an odd creaking noise as it rotated, the lights changing from pink to blue to red. After we both got up, we opened our gifts. Elyse had gotten me a VHS copy of “The Prey,” my favorite piece of bizarre eighties horror trash. Unlike some other people I mentioned, Elyse wasn’t very invested in obscure movies. That she knew how much that film meant to me, and put the effort in to track it down on tape, really meant a lot to me. It was the only Christmas we had together. The relationship didn’t make it to next December. Yet I still have that tape. I can’t bring myself to get rid of it. Life is like that.

That’s the thing with Christmas. It’s such a specific day, a mixture of family get-togethers and yearly traditions. You can track the years by looking at the tree and considering each of the ornaments, each one representing a different era of your life. The gifts you receive connect you to the times, good and bad, you’ve had in the past. When Christmas rolls around, it brings along a fountain of memories. Perhaps this was an inappropriate, too personal topic to share on the blog. Maybe. Then again, if there’s any time of year to reveal a little about yourself, it’s December. Consider that my gift to you.

Christmas 2015: December 24

Black Christmas (1974)

When it comes to Christmas themed horror flicks, “Silent Night, Deadly Night” and similarly exploitative fare tends to hog all the press. Which is fine, as I too enjoy a good Santa slasher flick. However, few seasonal horror films truly utilize the eerie potential of Christmas… The soft, spooky glow of the tree… The disquieting hum of barely heard carols… “Black Christmas” was directed by Bob Clark, years before his far more well-known Christmas movie. It’s regarded as a pioneering slasher film and Christmas horror movie. (Though “Silent Night, Bloody Night” predates it on both counts.) It’s not only influenced “Halloween” but some consider Clark’s film superior. I’ll be the judge of that!

The peace of a sorority house during the Christmas holiday is disrupted by increasingly nasty obscene phone calls. The girls inside have problems of their own. Jess has discovered she is pregnant and her unstable pianist boyfriend is insistent on keeping the baby. Barb’s booziness makes her unpopular with her flat mates. Claire has vanished and her father wonders where she is. A dead girl has been found in the park. Unbeknownst to everyone, a raving lunatic has sneaked into the sorority house’s attic and is slowly picking the inhabitants off, one by one.

“Black Christmas” begins with the camera slowly moving across the home’s front lawn, snow scattered about. As we draw closer, the soft bars of “Silent Night” slowly become audible. It’s creepy. “Black Christmas” doesn’t use its holiday setting as a gimmick or an afterthought. Instead, Clark’s film builds an unnerving atmosphere by subverting the traditional iconography of the holiday. Christmas decorations contrast against the murders that happen in the home. Christmas carols take on a creeping quality. (Though it's never built into a solid point. Jessica's pregnancy can't help but reminds us of another girl who was once pregnant around Christmas...) The music and sound design especially help cement “Black Christmas’” very spooky tone. As Jessica becomes increasingly alone, you really begin to feel her isolation. The film never quite generates extended tension but, with a prevailing atmosphere of dread, it doesn’t really need it.

Calling “Black Christmas” the first slasher film is somewhat misleading. Many of the sub-genre’s formulas had yet to be established. There’s no drugs or sex nor a virginal final girl. Though there’s some comic relief, the police aren’t incompetent. Like “Halloween,” “Black Christmas” drawls from American urban legends. The script is basically an extended adaptation of the “Babysitter and the Man Upstairs,” maintaining the legend’s climax beat-for-beat. Truthfully, “Black Christmas” earns the title of “slasher film” through its focus on the murder scenes. The deaths in “Black Christmas” are claustrophobic in their closeness. Claire is suffocated with a plastic sheet, the camera shoved in the closet with her. The camera is attached to the swinging hook that takes out Mrs. MacHenry. The film lingers on the distortion via glass, splattered blood, and gasps for help when Barb is stabbed with a glass unicorn. There’s little in way of exploitation here. Instead, “Black Christmas” mines stark horror from the murdered scenes.

Clark is really good at creating a creepy atmosphere and shocking death scenes. Yet that’s not “Black Christmas’” secret weapon. That status belongs to Billy. Unlike most visually oriented slashers, Billy is never fully seen. Instead, we get a shadowy shot of a staring eye or a fleetingly glimpsed hand. The camera frequently adapts his point-of-view, putting the audience in his insane head, which was undoubtedly an influence on Carpenter. Billy is recognized by his voice. Through the phone and the obscene calls, we hear him ranting incoherently. His voice changes pitch, rolling from female to male, adult to child. He shrieks, cries, and roars. He mentions someone named Agnes and a baby, hinting at a disturbing back story otherwise unelaborated on. In short, Billy is the creepiest motherfucker around. Unlike the comic book badassery of other slasher villains, Billy comes across as genuinely insane, a totally unhinged and dangerous murderer.

Further solidifying “Black Christmas’” status as a classic is a legitimately likable cast. Olivia Hussey’s undefined accent marks Jessica as someone more sophisticated than her classmates. Yet Hussey’s beauty has a girl-next-door aspect, making her seem down-to-earth. Her subplot involving the pregnancy actually allows her some subtle, low-key acting. Margot Kidder is also unforgettable as Barb, the boozy and loud-mouthed classmate. On paper, Barb probably wasn’t very likable. Kidder gives the character a vulnerability beneath her sharp tongue. At the time, the film’s marquee name was John Saxon. Saxon was experienced at playing authority figures in low budget genre films, always bringing a certain charm and humor to the parts. I also like Marian Waldman as the funny, usually intoxicated Mrs. MacHenry and Andrea Martin as the mousy Phyllis.

Another possible influence “Black Christmas” had on “Halloween” is its ending. Billy escapes justice, Jess’ boyfriend getting the rap instead. In its final moments, the film focuses on Claire’s dead body, still saran-wrapped and sitting in the attic. As the camera pulls away, we hear Billy’s insane rantings again. The ambiguous ending is as chilly as the winter’s night air, leaving the audience shivering. “Black Christmas” is not as good a film as “Halloween.” Though a beautifully orchestrated horror story, it’s not in service of deeper themes like Carpenter’s film. Still, in a dark room, lit only by a Christmas tree, it is astonishingly effective. It may not be the most well-known holiday horror film but it’s probably the creepiest. [9/10]

Rudolph’s Shiny New Year (1976)

Despite it being their most popular and beloved Christmas special, Rankin-Bass did not make a sequel to “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” until 1976, twelve years after the special originally aired. The time lapse is made even weirder because “Rudolph’s Shiny New Year” is a direct sequel. Santa and his elves look and sound entirely different, the quirky character designs of the original “Rudolph” have been absorbed by the Rankin-Bass house style. Despite this, it picks up minutes after the conclusion of the previous special. After Rudolph saves Santa’s midnight flight, the fat man receives news that Baby New Year has disappeared. If the baby can’t be found by midnight on the 31st, the next year can’t begin. Rudolph heads off for the Archipelagos of Time in search of the missing child.

“Rudolph’s Shiny New Year” does the most unexpected thing: It creates a bizarre mythology around Rankin-Bass’ holiday characters. Turns out every year is overseen by Father Time, who ages an entire life time in the span of twelve months. At the end of the year, a new baby is born who becomes the next Father Time. After his year is up, Father Time retires to an island. These islands maintain the characteristics of whatever year that Father corresponds to. In the course of the story, we visit a prehistoric island full of dinosaurs, a medieval island populated by fairy tale characters, and an island stuck in revolutionary America. Also, Father Time’s servants are humanoid clock creatures. Got all that? Good because “Shiny New Year” is just getting started. There’s also a giant vulture named Eon, who lives an eon and turns into ice and snow after his time is up. He wants to kidnap Baby New Year, so the year won't end and his life won't expire. All of this information and more is explained to us by Red Skelton as Father Time, who belabors every point in an extensive voice over narration.

The original “Rudolph” was weird but to saddle an hour-long holiday special with all of the above information is just overkill. Despite all its meandering oddness, “Shiny New Year” replicates its predecessor’s structure. Rudolph meets an oddball collection of characters on his journey. First, he is accompanied by a clock-man soldier who rhymes all his sentences with “Sir,” an annoying quirk. Soon, they meet a camel with a clock in his hump who talks in a slow voice. Next, they encounter a whale with a clock in his tale called Big Ben. There’s a caveman, a knight (voiced by Frank Gorshin, no less) and a cartoon version of Benjamin Franklin. That doesn’t include the fairy tale character they also encounter, such as the Three Bears or Cinderella. With such an extensive cast, Rudolph winds up being lost in his own special.

Rudolph doesn’t become useful until the very end. You see, Baby New Year fled because everyone made fun of his freakishly huge ears. Annoyingly, the special soon falls into the structure of Rudolph and his ever-expanding gang finding the Baby’s previous location right after he left. When the reindeer finally catches up with the infant, they have a heart-to-heart. After all, Rudolph has experience being excluded because of an unusual physical attribute. Despite seemingly pushing the same “never judge a book by its cover!” moral as the original, everyone still laughs at Baby New Year’s big ears. Later, his Prince Charles size ears save the day. Upon seeing them Eon falls into a fit laughter so jovial it melts his icy heart. Get your moral straight, “Rudolph’s Shiny New Year.”

Piled atop the incoherent mythology and far too large cast is a collection of annoying, subpar songs. The first number, “The Moving Finger Writes,” is actually kind of nice, Father Time describing the onward march of time to a low-key melody. Every other number you can forget about. “Have a Hap-Hap-Happy Year” has a repetitive, grating melody. “Raining Sunshine” has some of the most asinine lyrics to ever appear in a holiday specials. When recounting the origin of his nose, a reprise of Rudolph’s theme song plays. Oddly, scenes from the first special are shown but in traditional animation. There are other songs but I’ve already totally forgotten all of them.

The antics of Baby New Year and a singing caveman really make you long for the comparatively charming antics of Hermie the Dentist Elf and Yukon Cornelius. “Rudolph’s Shiny New Year” occasionally gets aired along side its more famous companion. However, it says a lot about this particular hour that it’s packed on the “Year Without a Santa Claus” DVD as a bonus. A glance at Rankin-Bass’ Wikipedia page shows me they made way more of these than I realized. As of right now anyway, I’m ready to declare “Shiny New Year” the weakest Christmas special the company would ever make. Happy New Year, I guess. [4/10]

Bangers n' Mash 79: Christmas Vacation 2015

Hey, it's that time of year again! Time for the Bangers n' Mash Show to take a week off and make a seasonal holiday video that isn't about anything!



As opposed to previous years, where JD and I just talk about anything, this year's Christmas episode is actually a little more structured. We picked three topics - Favorite Christmas movie, favorite Christmas television special, and favorite Christmas song - and made our top five list for each. It turned out all right, I guess.

Come back tomorrow for the final round-up of Christmas reviews. I'll have a new Memories column on the 25th and one or two other things before my Year End Retrospective goes up on the 31st, including another Bangers n' Mash episode. As always, December is a very busy month for me. See you again soon.

Christmas 2015: December 23

A Christmas Carol (1984)

There have been so many adaptations of “A Christmas Carol” over the years. Ones that are in black and white, in color, musicals and cartoons, ones for TV and ones for theaters. For a while there, we were getting new “Christmas Carols” on an almost yearly basis. There have been so many takes that most of the new ones add comedic, meta, or modern angles. Heck, I’ve already reviewed one version this December. Out of all the versions of Scrooge’s story that have graced the screen, one has emerged as definitive. The 1984 version starring George C. Scott still gets singled out as the best adaptation of Charles Dickens’ beloved novel.

Like I said, “A Christmas Carol” is so frequently adapted that most versions have to add some sort of gimmick. If the ’84 version can be said to have a gimmick, it’s incredible fidelity to the source material. The film hews so closely to Dickens’ book that the dialogue is frequently taken directly from the page. Every aspect of Ebenezer Scrooge’s nightly journey with the three ghosts is included. Many elements frequently left out of other adaptations are presented here. The spooky carriage that precedes Marley is left intact. The Ghost of Christmas Past carries a metal cap over her head, which Scrooge eventually smites her with. Scrooge’s boyhood love of reading is included. The Ghost of Christmas Present presents the children of ignorance and want to the old man. Scrooge’s frequently excised sister Fan appears. As does a moment which shows the married life of the old man’s love, Belle. The movie is so faithful to the text that it almost becomes a flaw. As in Dickens’ book, Scrooge’s fate as the hated dead man is too heavily foreshadowed. Still, Dickens fans hoping to see the author’s words retained on-screen will likely do best by this version.

Because such effort was made to follow the original book, 1984’s “A Christmas Carol” is far spookier and darker then most adaptations. This is one of the few Dickensian movies that truly seem to earn the title of “ghost story.” Marley’s appearance is truly creepy, his jaw dangling open in a grotesque way. He shouts and screams like a banshee. The Ghost of Christmas Past has an eeriness rarely seen in other versions. All the ghosts are more stern then usual, giving Scrooge a lot more grief for his bullshit. The usually jovial Ghost of Christmas Present comes off as downright mean at times, not sparing the old man’s feelings. When the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come appears, he is shown only in silhouette. An off-putting noise, a shriek like rusted metal, accompanies the spirit. The movie also focuses far more on the filthy, foggy conditions of London in the 1880s. The plight of the poor is given extra attention. “Dickensian” is a term associated with filthy ragamuffins for a reason, you know. This “Christmas Carol” doesn’t forget that.

1984’s “Carol” is respected for sticking so closely to the novel and its serious presentation. The reason people love this movie is George C. Scott. The notoriously gruff character actor was perfect for Ebenezer Scrooge. His husky voice works especially well when barking Dickens’ dialogue. Scott often adds a sardonic edge to the character, his cynicism hardened to a point. When the Ghosts presents his past or present to him, his exterior never cracks. He watches with a stern, stony face. The emotion he shows most often is anger. Scott’s unerring curtness makes Scrooge’s inevitable redemption all the more satisfying. (Also amusing: Scott never even attempts a British accent. He was a good enough actor know how ridiculous that would sound.) The rest of the cast is solid as well, including relatively big names David Warner and Susannah York as the Cartchits and Edward Woodward as the Ghost of Christmas Present. But Scott outshines all of them, dominating the screen and impressing the audience.

It’s a frequently overlooked fact but this “Christmas Carol” was actually made for television. It originally aired on CBS. You’d be mistaken for missing this, as the film is incredibly cinematic. The production design is impressive, the film deeply rooted in London fog. Director Clive Donner has a stylish visual sense. He’s fond of reflecting images through the Ghosts’ trademark item. Scenes are shown in the Ghost of Christmas Past’s cap or through the Ghost of Christmas Presents’ torch. Really, the only sign that the movie was originally made for TV is a single shot, the introduction of the Ghost of Christmas Past, that comes off as slightly cheesy and dated. This “Christmas Carol” was so well made that it was released theatrically overseas without a pause.

I’ve already established what my favorite version of “A Christmas Carol” is. This particular take ranks a close second though. It beautifully captures the spirit and tone of Dickens’ original work. It’s a fantastically well made and directed movie. Mostly, I love George C. Scott as Scrooge, one of my favorite actors putting his own stamp on an overplayed part. When a version of a story adapted this often makes this strong of an impression, that shows you just how well done it is. [8/10]

Futurama: The Futurama Holiday Spectacular

When a revival of “Futurama” was announced, it seemed like a great idea. The show was still hilarious when it was canceled and never seemed to get a fair chance in its day. Quickly though, fans learned once again that sometimes dead is better. The direct-to-video “Futurama” movies were disappointing and the new season got off to a really rough start. While the quality would eventually turn around, none of the new episodes proved as memorable as the classic ones. Take the new season’s Christmas episode, for example. “The Futurama Holiday Spectacular” provides three segments, each based around a holiday. Christmas, Bender’s made-up “Robanukah,” and Kwanzaa are all high-lighted, each story ending in catastrophe and death.

In the Christmas segment, Fry has the X-mas blues, once again feeling isolated in the future holiday. This retreads ground covered in season one’s “X-Mas Story.” With some help from Robot Santa, Fry realizes he needs a traditional Christmas tree. A quest to recover the extinct pine tree results in a super-strain of the species that takes over the world. The best gags in this story involve barking snakes and the guard of the seed vault’s nonchalant, vaguely Canadian attitude. Bender’s apocalypse-triggering cigar is a nice touch, especially his realization that he hasn’t contributed to this plot yet. The song – each segment features a song – is pretty lame though. It’s funny but not very novel.

The funniest segment in the episode is devoted to Robanukah. A holiday seemingly made up by Bender to get an extra day off work, Robanukah involves copious alcohol consumption and robotic prostitutes wrestling in petroleum oil. Petroleum oil is increasingly rate, leading to a dangerous quest deep into the Earth. The weird specific qualities of Robanukah are amusing, even though it’s out of character for Bender to care that much about anything. This segment features solid, absurd gags. Such as an albino humping worm, discovered deep in the Earth. Or the ending, which twists the Hanukkah legend in a goofy, perverse direction. Special guest star Al Gore also gets a funny gag about solar energy. The song here is the catchiest, with some amusingly strangled rhymes.

The last segment is devoted to Kwanzaa, as celebrated by Hermes and his family. The search for traditional bee’s wax candles, hindered by colony collapse disorder, send the Planet Express team towards the giant space bee hive, seen all the way back in “The Sting.” This story builds on a gag first mentioned in “A Tale of Two Santas.” Kwanzaa-Bot reappears and sings a rap explaining the holiday’s traditional. Amusingly, even the robot is slightly clueless about the tradition’s meanings. A similar joke declares Kwanzaa to be “a thousand” years old, a comparatively short amount of time considering the future setting. The story also brings back some minor characters, leading to decent gags. The antics of the giant space bee is funny, including a random reference to “Raging Bull.” Of all the downbeat endings in this episode, the Kwanzaa story’s conclusion comes off as the most mean-spirited.

Truthfully, all of the stories are a little too mean, each killing the cast members in brutal ways. The episode’s theme of limited resources and ecological tampering are appreciated and won the show an award. The best joke in “The Futurama Holiday Spectacular” is in the framing devices, which makes repeated references to “Gunderson’s Shelled Nuts!,” the show’s corporate sponsor. There are several good gags and funny moments in “The Futurama Holiday Spectacular” but it really doesn’t hold up against the show’s other holiday-themed episodes. [7/10]

WHY DO I OWN THIS?: Sonic Christmas Blast (1996)

Over here at Film Thoughts, my on-going devotion to Sonic the Hedgehog doesn’t come up much. Back in the nineties, there was a brief period when the Sega Genesis and its blue dude with ‘tude actually outpaced Nintendo and Mario in popularity. That period in time was short-lived. Though Sonic’s made some in-roads here of late, thanks to a sort-of well liked cartoon and shake-ups with the comic book, fans of the blue hedgehog are still looked down upon in most corners of the interwebs. But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself. Back in 1996, Sonic was still somewhat popular. Looking to cash in on that popularity, and playing off both of the cartoons that where still relatively fresh in the kids’ minds, a Christmas special was created. Yes, “Sonic Christmas Blast” exists and it’s bad. So why do I own it?

The folks on Sonic’s home world are shaken, especially the kids, when Santa Claus announces to the masses that he’s retiring. As his replacement, he’s nominated Dr. Robotnik. The obese mad scientist wildly abuses his new power as Robotnik Claus. He forces children to give him gifts and punish those who do not. Naturally, this is all a scheme by the villain. The real Santa is imprisoned. When Sonic the Hedgehog gets a whiff of his arch-enemy’s latest ploy, he races into action to set things right. Oh, also there’s a magic ring and not the usual kind of magic rings either.

There were two Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons in the nineties, both of which aired simultaneously. The Saturday morning cartoon, simply known as “Sonic the Hedgehog” but referred to by fans as “SatAM,” remains well regarded for its serious writing, grim setting, and ensemble cast. The daily “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog,” meanwhile, was goofy as shit. “Sonic Christmas Blast” is, naturally, set in the latter’s world. (Sort of. More on that in a minute.) Therefore, the Christmas special is chockablock of low brow, utterly inane slapstick humor. While dressed as Santa Claus, Robotnik’s gut shows. His henchmen, Scratch and Grounder, attempt to crush Sonic. All they do is reveal their boss’ plot because they’re idiots. Afterwards, Sonic dresses up as another character to dispose of them. This is just the tip of the moronic iceberg that is “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog.” Befitting that series’ style, the animation is incredibly loose, lacking in detail and structure.

Weirdly, despite featuring lots of misbegotten humor, “Sonic Christmas Blast” actually isn’t as focused on dumb jokes as you’d expect. The Christmas special, even with only a thirty minute run time, attempts to squeeze in a real plot. Sonic rescues Santa Claus from Robotnik’s Arctic prison. For reasons I can’t remember now, Santa has Sonic perform a series of tests in order to determine his worthiness. All of this is blatantly setting up the special’s last act. Santa is safe but there’s still not enough time to save Christmas. “Gee,” the special makes its viewer wonder, “I wish there was a character with super speed near-by!” Yes, using a plot device handed to him by his love interest earlier in the special, Sonic zips around the world, delivering presents and humiliating Robontik. Christmas is saved, you guys. Hoo-ray for Sonic Claus.

About the only reason “Sonic Christmas Blast” is of interest to obsessive-compulsive Sonic nerds like me is because it weirdly blends elements from the different cartoons. Like I said, the special is seemingly set in the world of “Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog,” due to its setting, character designs, and generally ridiculous tone. Yet there’s weird remnants from the Saturday morning series. Sonic and Tails refer to a battalion of Robotnik’s robots as “SWATBots,” a concept exclusive to that series. Most importantly, Princess Sally appears in the special. Hilariously, she has no spoken dialogue. When she has an opportunity to talk, Sonic instead buries her in a pile of gifts. She does not factor into the finale. What, Kath Soucie wasn’t available? I’m sure this is reading like Chinese to most of you. To people familiar with Sonic the Hedgehog and its bizarre tangle of continuities, you’ll appreciate how weird and dumb this all is.

Why Do I Own This?: Okay, so “Sonic Christmas Blast” isn’t good. Obviously. I didn’t even have to watch it to tell you that. An animated special whose premise boils down to “Sonic saves Christmas!” was never going to be good. Despite that, there’s a very simple reason why I own this. It’s Sonic, you guys. Truthfully, a Sonic Christmas special is such a bizarre, dumb concept that there was no way I wouldn’t own it. Occasionally, I inflict it on friends at parties which, you know, has made me very popular. Oddities like this, regardless of quality, are one of the reasons I adore this character and his stupid universe. [4/10]

(Oh yeah, I’m going to start updating Hedgehogs Can’t Swim again soon, starting in January. I regret nothing. Merry Christmas.)

Christmas 2015: December 20

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

“Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” has long been considered the worst Christmas movie ever made, if not one of the worst films ever made period. Even before seeing the movie, I personally found this hard to believe. There have been so many crappy Christmas movies pumped out over the years. (I mean, the Hallmark Channel has to show something throughout the entirety of November and December.) I think people like to attack “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” simply because of its outrageous title. After watching it on its own, I can rightfully declare “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” not the worst Christmas movie ever made. Heck, it’s not even the worst Christmas movie shown on “Mystery Science Theater 3000.” Don’t get me wrong, it’s rather bad. But there’s something to be said for its stodgy weirdness.

On Earth, children eagerly anticipate their yearly visit from Santa Claus. In his workshop, Santa works hard on fulfilling the wishes of the world’s kids. Meanwhile, the alien children of Mars have no happiness. They have no conception of toys, Christmas, or Santa Claus. Distraught by their children’s depression, the Martian adults consult the great Martian elder. He recommends that the people of Mars kidnap Santa Claus, so he can bring joy and happiness to their kids. They comply, kidnapping two Earth children in the process. Though Santa would prefer to stay on Earth, he’s happy to help the Martians. Meanwhile, forces on Mars want to send Santa packing.

People like to crap on low budget movies, frequently aligning a film’s quality with the amount of money spent on it. Truthfully, a movie’s budget has nothing to do with how enjoyable it is. If my years of watching independent films have taught me anything, it’s that meagerly budgeted films can be far more exciting or clever then the biggest blockbusters. “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” was obviously made for very little money. The whole film takes place over about four or five sets. About two people work in Santa Claus’ shop. The score is incredibly repetitive, mostly repeating variations on the surprisingly catchy theme song. The movie’s robot, Torg, is obviously played by a man in a cardboard costume. The film employs a similar tactic for its polar bear, played by an entirely unconvincing man in a suit. The Martians are played by actors in cheap costumes with sickly green grease paint slathered on their faces.

Don’t confuse my statements as a defense of “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.” The movie is quite bad in many ways. The pacing moves in halts and shudders. The long sequence of the two abducted children wandering around the North Pole is one example of this. Voldar, the villainous Martian who wishes to eject Santa from Mars, never has a very consistent plan. He attempts multiple insurrections, trying the same maneuvers repeatedly. The fist fights between Voldar and the heroic Kimar are hilariously choreographed. The film’s comic relief, a buffoonish Martian named Dropo, is very annoying. Santa is a rather passive protagonist. Instead of motivating the plot, he’s tugged in different directions by the whims of other characters. The young actors playing the main kids are just awful, starring ahead blankly as they monotonously recite their lines.

But you don’t need me to tell you that “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” is a bad movie. You probably guessed that just from reading the title. Despite its many obvious, apparent flaws, there’s something weirdly captivating about “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.” The movie’s low-key, languid pacing lulls you into a pleasant state of relaxation. The film was both written and produced by Paul L. Jacobson, suggesting this was a personal effort. (Director Nicholas Webster mostly worked in television and would later direct a Bigfoot documentary called “Manbeast! Myth or Monster?”) The movie’s super low-budget production values are actually fairly charming. The Martian lair, which includes triangles that the children sit under when they sleep, is interesting to look at. Amusingly, even on Mars, the wife is totally subservient to the husband. The kiddy-movie conclusion where the kids defeat the villains with toys, is… Well, it’s something. Imagine watching “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” on late night TV, drifting in and out of sleep. Or having it play in the background on a static-y TV while putting up the Christmas tree. In these scenarios, the goofy, low budget, badly made film takes on a whole new appeal.

There’s no doubt a thick flavor of cheese infects every reel of “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.” It’s a weirdly hypnotizing mixture of low-balling kiddy flick and weirdo sci-fi movie. It’s not really good and never quite crosses over into hilariously bad. Nevertheless, it remains strangely fascinating. I’m just glad I exist in a world where a movie as weird as “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” exists. Should I dare attempt to watch “Santa Claus and the Ice Cream Bunny” next December? [5/10]

Community: Regional Holiday Music

Season three is my favorite season of “Community.” The Troy and Abed friendship, the true heart of the show, was fully established by that point. The show finally figured out what to do with Britta, utilizing Gillian Jacobs’ incredible skills as a physical comedian by turning her into a clumsy goofball. The series’ rich supporting cast was built in, leaving a solid foundation for quick jokes and one-off gags. The show was also at its most ambitious by this point, doing a number of fantastic themed episodes. One such themed episode is “Regional Holiday Music,” which functions as both the third season’s Christmas episode and the series’ musical episode.

With Christmas arriving, the Study Group’s arch-enemies – the Glee Club – are out singing and dancing in obnoxious ways. Jeff, however, utilizes his skills as a lawyer and knowledge of copyrights to get the Glee Club shut down. This causes the club members to have nervous breakdowns. Meanwhile, Abed worries that the year has gotten too dark and that his friends won’t have a happy Christmas. He seeks out Mr. Rad, the Glee Club organizer. Unknowingly, Abed sets a musical virus spreading through all his friends.

“Regional Holiday Music” is obviously built around making fun of “Glee,” a rival show that was wildly popular at the time but has already receded from the popular consciousness. The overwhelming happiness of song-and-dance numbers is mocked. Breaking out into song is shown as a virus, sapping the infectee of their personality and making them obsessed with “regionals.” The visual language of the show, with its spinning cameras and pianos that keep playing when nobody sits at them, is also mocked. Early in the episode, Jeff says that trying to make things happier at the holidays will just reveal more darkness. This is revealed to be true, when the psychotically happy Mr. Rad – played by a hilariously deranged Taran Killian – is shown to be genuinely psychotic, confessing to murdering the previous Glee Club. The show isn’t just lobbing jabs at “Glee.” It’s also mocking a pop culture that insists happiness is the only acceptable mood around December, ignoring how complex and melancholy the holiday can be.

Despite making fun of the musical format, “Regional Holiday Music” actually features some catchy songs. The first number, “Glee!,” is insanely catchy. One of “Community’s” strengths was its total grasp on the characters. Troy raps about being a Jehovah’s Witness, going “undercover” as a Christmas celebrator. The production of this sequence features plenty of clever, easily missed gags. “Baby Boomer Santa” caters to Pierce’s ego and hunger for nostalgia as a baby boomer. It also amusingly incorporates a number of pop styles over a few minutes. Shirley is won over with a choir of children singing about how they don’t know who Jesus is. (Yvette Nicole Brown’s panicked mumbles of “That's what they do!” gets me every time.) Annie is converted off-screen, performing an overly sexualized song-and-dance in order to infect Jeff. In this scene, the show mocks the weird trend of both infantilizing and sexualizing young women, obviously making fun of “Santa Baby” and similar songs. It also has Allison Brie gyrating in very revealing lingerie, so everyone wins. And if you prefer Britta, she wears a skin-tight body stocking before the show is over too.

There’s plenty of gags that are just silly too. Like Jim Rash’s Dean talking about his dreams, Gillian Jacobs’ inspired silly Christmas dance, or the credits bumper that features a unique rendition of “Carol of the Bells.” Just the sight of Donald Glover eating a sandwich got a laugh out of me. This is probably the only Christmas episode to reference “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” and “The Star Wars Holiday Special.” In short, another classic. [9/10]

Christmas 2015: December 19

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

A hit as enormous as “Home Alone” demanded a sequel. As the surprise hit of 1990, the film made Macaulay Culkin a breakout star and remained hugely popular on VHS. A sequel was quickly rushed into production, hitting theaters two years later. Despite its quickie status, the sequel lured back original director Chris Columbus, writer John Hughes, and all the first film’s major stars.

The next December, the McCallister family plans to spend their holiday vacation in Florida. Just like last time, the family oversleeps. Luckily, Kevin isn’t left alone at home. Instead, during the rush through the airport, the boy winds up with his dad’s bag on a separate plane. While his family heads to Florida, Kevin winds up in New York. Happy to be away from his asshole family, he shacks up in a fancy hotel, having adventures with a kindly toy shop owner and an eccentric homeless woman. Unlucky for Kevin, the Wet Bandits have escaped from prison and are in the same city. It’s only a matter of time before the boy and the bandits confront each other again.

John Hughes and Chris Columbus rightly figured that Kevin being left in his house by himself again would push believably. As the title indicates, “Home Alone 2” has the boy lost in New York City. This was the only difference the creative team implemented. Otherwise, “Lost in New York” is more than happy to pillage elements from the first movie. Once again, Kevin has an argument with his extended family, making him resent them leading up to the holidays. After being separated from them, he happily notes their absence. In both films, Kevin uses an improvised marionette and his puppetry skills to fool a grown-up. For a second time, he utilizes audio from a gangster movie to fool and terrify somebody. History repeats itself when Kevin meets a frightening stranger that ends up helping him. Both times, this person saves the kid from the crooks. The film leaps through some improbable plot points to get Kevin and the Wet Bandits back together. They just happen to escape a year later, just happen to end up in NYC, and just happen to run into a small boy in a city of 7.3 million people. John Hughes probably received a nice paycheck for copy-and-pasting the first movie’s screenplay.

At least shifting the setting around is a smart idea. New York is, after all, the most Christmas-y of all American cities. The various landmarks – such as Central Park, the World Trade Center, and Donald Trump back when he was just a harmless pop culture joke instead of a legitimately evil presidential candidate – are well utilized. For most of the second act, Kevin stays inside the Plaza Hotel. Though the scenes of the boy fucking with the hotel staff aren’t fresh laughs, they’re still amusing. This is mostly thanks to Tim Curry’s gloriously ridiculous performance as the villainous Concierge. Dana Ivey and, yes, even Rob Schneider aren’t bad as his cohorts. Watching Curry’s disbelief when the gangster movie makes references to him kissing the doorman is amusing. As is the reoccurring gag about Schneider being tipped with gum. The movie also introduced the Talkboy, a toy so cool that it crossed over into reality.

This being a “Home Alone” movie, it has to end with the most brutal violence permitted by a PG rating. “Lost in New York” ramps the already improbable punishment Harry and Marv suffered to truly cartoonish levels. Despite having all of New York to play in, “Home Alone 2” confines its last act to an abandoned apartment building. Marv is beaned with a brick four times. This alone should have killed him but the movie is just getting started. He is shot with a staple gun in the butt, balls, and face. He falls fifteen feet onto a hard wood floor. He’s buried under a shelf of paint cans. Most ridiculously, Marv is electrocuted by jumper cables. Singling the film’s complete crossover into cartoon reality, his skeleton flashes through his skin! This is, perhaps, a side effect of the already buffoonish Marv being turned into a totally childish man-child.

The abuse Harry suffers is no less extreme. He’s set on fire, blown up, falls off a fire escape onto concrete, stumbles off a ladder, and is plummeted with wrenches. Both men are slammed in the face with a iron dumbbell, fall another fifteen feet, climb a blazing rope, and fall even further, through an awning, and into the basement. “Home Alone 2’s” attempt to top the first movie’s mayhem pushes the sequel into exaggerated, sadistic direction. The action is so overdone that it quickly shifts from amusing to tiresome.

Despite being boldly derivative of the first movie, the sequel nearly matched the original’s massive 400 million gross. Part two topped out at 358 million. I guess audiences in the early nineties couldn’t get enough of Macaulay Culkin brutalizing a pair of adults. Apparently you can’t go wrong giving people more of what they liked the first time. Despite the box office receipts, Kevin McCallister did not return a third time to torment Harry and Marv. The series continued but without Culkin. Three was an awful kids’ movie. The fourth and fifth “Home Alone” movies – I didn’t know they existed until just now either – ended up going direct to television. The original is a suitably entertaining popcorn flick but “Home Alone 2” is too willing to copy the first’s blueprint. [6/10]

A Wish for Wings That Work (1991)

Back in 2013, I mentioned a VHS tape I had as a child. It was full of Christmas specials, recorded off television. Among “The Snowman,” “Garfield’s Christmas Special,” and “Ziggy’s Gift” was “A Wish for Wings That Work.” Even as late as 1991, popular comic strips could get half-hour Christmas specials in prime time. The popularity of Berkeley Breathed’s “Bloom County” was incredibly short-lived though. Compared to the decades-long run of other strips, “Bloom County” was only published for ten years. I don’t personally recall ever seeing the strip in my local newspapers. Unlike the similarly short-lived “Calvin & Hobbs,” “Bloom County” has not lingered in the pop culture consciousness. It’s time-specific pop culture and political commentary has not aged well. Though “A Wish for Wings That Work” is no less obscure, at least it’s on DVD.

Opus is a penguin, living with his friend Bill the Cat somewhere in the frozen north. Being a penguin, Opus can not fly. Yet he desperately desires the experience of flying. He tries using his own wings or tying balloons to his body. When neither of these attempts succeed, Opus falls back on the strategy favored by children the world over: He asks Santa Claus for the ability to fly as a Christmas gift. It just so happens that, during his Christmas Eve flight around the world, Santa’s sleigh breaks down above Opus’ town. This allows the penguin an up-close encounter with the legendary figure.

“Bloom County’ was not your typical comic strip. Accordingly, “A Wish for Wings That Work” is not your typical holiday special. Opus’ town is full of some very odd residents. There’s a pig that thinks he’s a rhino, who spends his days rampaging through town. While seeking therapy for his flight-related neurosis, Opus ends up in a bird support group. Also in this group is a manic chicken and a kiwi who is incredibly bitter about his wife leaving him for an albatross. His anxiety about his wing size is obviously a metaphor for penis size anxieties, another grown-up joke sneaked into the special. Outside the support group, Opus meets a cross-dressing cockroach, a joke that definitely would not fly today. (The kiwi is voiced by Robin Williams and the cockroach by Dustin Hoffman, both uncredited.) Bill the Cat is no less gross in animated form then when drawn. He coughs up a furball and spends most of the special rooting around in garbage.

Truthfully, “A Wish for Wings That Work” is a little too weird and mean-spirited for its own good at times. When a flock of seagulls mock Opus for his aspiration, the special doesn’t seem to immediately disagree with them. The half-hour does have its highlights though. The dialogue can be nicely biting at times. Opus blaming his lack of flight on “Congress” is a nice joke. A dream sequence, that utilizes footage from 1937’s “Lost Horizon,” is a fun and off-beat moment. Opus’ butt falling off, like a loose hubcap, is an image that has always stuck with me. When Santa appears, his sleigh has dropped in the icy water. Being a penguin, Opus’ natural swimming abilities comes in handy. The special is meant to have a moral about accepting one’s own abilities and being happy with who you are. “A Wish for Wings That Work” is a little too sarcastic to sell an earnest message like that.

Obviously, the special is flawed. Berkeley Breathed himself didn’t care for it. I don’t know how often it aired on TV but I can’t imagine it was more than once or twice. However, the animation is quite nice and its sense-of-humor is quirky enough to be memorable. It never quite works for me every time I watch it but I, nevertheless, have a nostalgic connection to “A Wish for Wings That Work.” [7/10]

Christmas 2015: December 18

P2 (2007)

“P2” came and went in 2007 without much notice. It did abysmally at the box office, holding the record for the fourth worst opening weekend for a wide release until recently. I can’t recall seeing a single trailer, commercial, or poster for the movie, which might explain why it did so poorly. Even horror fans didn’t give it much attention. It was only after the movie came and went from theaters that I realized Alexandre Aja was a co-writer. “P2” was also the directorial debut of Franck Khalfoun, who would go on to make the very impressive remake of “Maniac.” When I read the film was set around Christmas that gave me extra incentive to finally check out “P2.”

Angela is working late at the office on Christmas Eve. After she wraps up there, she plans on going over to her sister's for a family holiday dinner. Upon leaving, her car fails to start. She calls a cab but finds herself locked inside the building. Angela goes down into the parking garage, where she meets Thomas, a security guard. He drugs her and she awakens wearing a white dress and chained to a table. Angela discovers that Thomas is obsessed, psychotic, and wants to spend Christmas with her.

“P2” is a fun-enough cross breed of a stalker thriller with some slasher trappings that trades freely in “women in peril” imagery. Rachel Nichols spends nearly the entire film in a very low cut dress. She’s a beautiful, buxom woman and the film delights in submerging her in water or splattering her with blood. The first half of “P2” is devoted to Angela’s various attempts to escape Thomas. She stabs him with a fork, yanks at the chain, and winds up in a flooded elevator. She attempts to call the cops on a cellphone but, naturally, has no bars. The film does not pile on the gore with the exception of one sequence. Thomas has captured Angela’s grabby co-worker, taping him to a chair in the parking garage. After smacking him around with his Maglight, he then crushes the man between a car and the wall. Eventually the man bursts, his blood splattering against the car’s windshield. It’s the kind of creative butchery Khalfoun would truly perfect with “Maniac.”

Though there are a few other characters in the film, “P2” is mostly a two-person show. Rachel Nichols’ career never truly took off which is a shame, as I’ve always liked her. She’s not only gorgeous in “P2” but also proves to be a resilient scream queen. An especially impressive scene has her struggling with a dog, showing Nichols isn’t afraid to get down and dirty. Her will to survive truly rubs off on the audience. As much as I like Nichols, Wes Bently steals the show. Bently has admitted he was high as fuck while filming “P2.” This is probably why his performance is so unhinged. He greets Angela in a Santa suit, calmly preparing a Christmas dinner for her. One mostly unrelated scene has him gyrating and lip-synching to Elvis. He sweats, heaves, and stares with a magnificent set of crazy eyes. The more desperate Thomas’ situation becomes, the further off-the-rocker Bently goes. It’s a performance of truly Nic Cage-ian proportions and part of what makes the film entertaining.

In the second half of “P2,” Angela has had enough of Thomas’ bullshit and goes on the offensive. This is nicely illustrated in a scene where she starts smashing security cameras with a fire axe. This duel of wills is intermittently intense. The girl barely avoiding detection from the killer, inside the garage’s car dealership, stands out to me. An especially tense moment involves a car chase through the tight corners of the garage, the vehicles careening around tight corners. That moment concludes with a game of chicken, two cars racing towards each other. Disappointingly, “P2” peaks early, during this moment. Despite only running a little longer then ninety minutes, the film still feels too long. It’s as if the writers were really stretching to think up multiple situations set inside a parking garage. “P2” starts to spin its wheel before it’s over.

Any time a horror film takes place inside such a limited locale, critics are quick to point out how easily the scenario could’ve been resolved. I’m sure Angela had many opportunities to escape the garage. “P2” also, perhaps, could’ve utilized its seasonal setting a little better. There’s some Christmas lights, a few songs, and snow at the end. In the end, the film qualifies as a Christmas movie mostly on a technicality. Still, a handful of intense or gory moments and two entertaining performances result in a decent horror flick. [7/10]

Futurama: A Tale of Two Santas

“Futurama’s” first Christmas episode, “Xmas Story,” is a classic and one of the episodes responsible for me loving the show. There was no way the show was going to introduce a concept like a murderous robotic Santa and not return to it. He returns every Christmas, after all! In “A Tale of Two Santas,” the Planet Express delivery team gets the crappy job of delivering children’s letters to Santa Claus. The homicidal Robo-Claus lives on Neptune, where he has enslaved the local aliens. The Planet Express team, while escaping the planet, wind up freezing the robotic Santa in the ice. With Christmas Eve only hours away, Bender assumes the role of Santa Claus, delivering gifts to Earth’s children. Bender being who he is though, he soon gets in trouble.

While “Xmas Story” was more then happy to introduce the concept of a killer Santa-bot, it actually featured very little yuletide slaughter. “A Tale of Two Santas,” meanwhile, follows up on the premise, leading to some dark chuckles. Consider the letters children write Santa. One little girl writes that when Santa shot her with a bicycle cannon, he broke her arm. A young boy writes about how Santa lodges a chestnut in her grandfather’s throat and now his corpse is starting to stink. On Neptune, Santa’s annual rampage has forced the local toy factory closed. Soon, a crack house will replace it. After Robo-Claus is defeated, the Planet Express crew motivates the Neptunians with a lively song. As the elves work harder and faster to meet the deadline, the lyrics become far meaner. The episode concludes with Bender and the real Santa going on a rampage, leaving the city in flames. If “Futurama” wasn’t so consistently funny, this episode might actually be too dark.

There are some other seasonal gags that work. While out on his Christmas trip, Bender encounters Kwanzaa Bot. His whole purpose is to distribute a book that instructs children on what Kwanzaa is. Zoidburg bathes in eggnog and, later, dresses as Jesus. Ultimately, the episode meanders a little off topic. While distributing gifts, Bender is shot, beaten, and mangled by a fearful populace. He winds up on trial for the crimes of the real Santa. Here, the episode segues into a funny if odd sequence featuring a Southern lawyer who is also a chicken. Bender is convicted, passes a message to the Robot Devil, and put up for execution via giant magnet. All of this stuff is funny, providing twisted and absurd laughs. However, I ultimately feel “A Tale of Two Santas” wanders too far from its Christmas concept.

Despite its twisted concept, “Xmas Story” managed to have some heart as well. “A Tale of Two Santas” attempts this combination of genuine sweetness and dark comedy. The episode ends with Fry and his friends huddling close together in their home, hiding from the carnage outside. Fry comments that this is what Christmas is supposed to do, bring people closer together. Ha ha. While not as good as the first season’s Christmas episode, “A Tale of Two Santas” is still consistently funny. [7/10]