Halloween 2018: October 13

Hatchet (2006)

2007 was a surprisingly good time to be a slasher movie fan. While the mainstream horror scene was still preoccupied with remakes and torture porn, indie filmmakers were suddenly interested in throwbacks to eighties mayhem. It makes sense. By this point, the horror fan boys who grew up on Freddy and Jason were old enough to be making movies themselves. 2007 saw the general release of “Behind the Mask,” “The Tripper,” “Murder Party,” “Severance,” “Wrong Turn 2,” “Vacancy” if you wanted to drive to the multiplexes, and “Hatchet.” The latter film would really make a splash with fans. Thanks to director Adam Green's savvy guerrilla marketing tactics and a cast loaded with cult favorites, “Hatchet” would become an underground success. Eleven years later – yes, really – it's time to look back on Victor Crowley's debut. 

Deep in the swamps of New Orleans, there is a legend. Victor Crowley was a deformed boy, raised by his widowed father. On Halloween night, teenagers set their cabin on fire. Victor's father hacked down the door with a hatchet but, unaware his son's face was pressed to the other side, accidentally killed his own boy. Supposedly, Victor haunts the swamps still, crying out for his father. Ben and his friends, in town for Mardi Gras, know nothing about this. Ben, still reeling from a break-up, isn't interested in partying. Instead, he drags Marcus along for a midnight ghost tour. When the boat gets stuck, Ben and the other tourists – including the mysterious Marybeth – are stranded deep in the swamps. That is when they discover Victor Crowley is very real... And very pissed.

“Hatchet” sold itself as old school American horror, pitching directly at the Fangoria crowd. And you can't say “Hatchet” doesn't know it's audience. The movie is packed, start to finish, with all sorts of gory special effects. Within the opening minutes, a man is torn apart, his spine ripped from his body. Victor makes his big appearance by chopping a man diagonally in half and then, in my favorite kill in the movie, ripping a woman's head off jaw first. Though his hatchet is obviously his trademark weapon, Crowley utilizes many murder props. Such as a tombstone, a shovel, and, most hilariously, a belt sander. That's when he's not just tearing people apart with his bare hands. Naturally, all of this is accomplished with practical effects. When not focusing on graphic dismemberment, “Hatchet” packs in the puke and casual female nudity.

In addition to its graphic gore, “Hatchet” also fills its cast out with beloved horror icons. Robert Englund and Tony Todd have amusing cameos. (John Carl Buechler also appears briefly, as a piss drinking Cajun.) Most prominently, Kane Hodder stars as Victor Crowley. Green smartly plays up the killer's tragic back story. Though hideously deformed, he was originally a kind and childish soul, beloved by his father. Hodder also plays Victor's dad, sans make-up, and actually gets some pathos out of the part. Crowley, now a ghost, is trapped in the agony and rage of his dying moments. Which might just be an excuse for the wraith to violently murder everyone he comes across. Still, giving the movie's villain a sympathetic back story, and Hodder a chance to really act, was a nice touch.

If only the rest of “Hatchet” was as well intentioned as its ghostly backstory and love of practical effects. Most of the characters are obnoxious and annoying. The victims include a pair of amateur porn stars, one of which is played by “Buffy's” Mercedes McNab. The two girls spend most of their screen time calling each other crude, awful names. The tour guide, a man pretending to be an Asian stereotype pretending to be a Cajun stereotype, is similarly broad. In-between murder scenes, the characters do a lot of offensive bickering and in-fighting. This does nothing but bore and irritate the viewer. The film's sense of humor is generally very crass, with lots of creative profanity and crude sexual references. Only Joel David Moore, as sad-sack Ben, and professional That Guy Richard Riehle make a positive impression on the viewer.

Despite its atmospheric swamp setting, “Hatchet” also looks kind of cheap. Green frequently frames his shot in wide, flat, TV-like set-ups. While the movie saves us any meta-humorous winking, it certainly layers in the “Friday the 13th” references. Aside from Hodder's casting as another deformed killer with a tragic childhood, the movie concludes with a shock ending on a boat. One of the murders recall an infamous moment from “Friday the 13th Part VII” and the score is full of Manfredini-style shrieks. “Hatchet” is a juvenile, pedestrian film in many ways, recalling Lloyd Kaufman more than John Carpenter. I mean, I still had fun with it. Watch with some pizza, some beer, and some fellow gore hound friends for maximum enjoyability. But don't expect anything more than cheap thrills and bad jokes. [7/10]

Night of the Seagulls (1975)
La noche de las gaviotas / Night of the Death Cult

By the mid-seventies, it would seem the Spanish people's hunger for eyeless zombie movies was close to sated. In fact, there's evidence to suggest that the Spanish horror industry as a whole was about burned out. Paul Naschy would begin a five year break from monster movies starting the next year. The ever-prolific Jess Franco would spend the rest of the decade mostly making women-in-prison and sexploitation flicks. Amando de Ossorio would cap off his “Blind Dead” quartet with 1975's “Night of the Seagulls” and not make another above-ground feature until the start of the eighties. As for the final time the Blind Dead shuffled out of their tombs, fans are split over whether it's the best or the worst of the series.

A young married couple, Henry and Joan, are invited to an isolated town on the Spanish coast. Henry has arrived to replace the town's aging doctor, hoping to drag the antiqued town into the modern age. The locals, however, are hostile. They reject Henry's modern ways. Joan, meanwhile, finds the new town unsettling. The church bells ring at midnight, followed by the sounds of seagulls. Young women seem to regularly disappear around town. When Henry and Joan's young housekeeper are taken, it's clear something strange is up. Teddy, the village simpleton, soon informs them about the truth. Once a year, for seven nights, the undead Blind Dead appear. They sacrifice seven maidens on the beach, cutting out their hearts and offering it to their arcane god.

After three films of varying degrees of unevenness, de Ossorio finally seems to get the balance right on his last “Blind Dead” feature. “Night of the Seagulls” has a plot that mostly makes sense, a pace that doesn't drag too much, few tonal inconsistencies, and just the right amount of zombie action. Mostly, the film succeeds over the other “Blind Dead” flicks by giving us a pair of protagonists we actually care about. Henry and Joan are genuinely good people. Henry wants to help people, while Joan is the first person who's aware of something weird going on. The film even extends some sympathy to the deformed and mentally ill Teddy, who probably would've been a pervert or villain in one of the previous films. Notably, there's also no sexual violence in this one. Caring about the leads certainly makes you more invested in what happens.

A town having history with the Knights was an element in the first two films but “Night of the Seagulls” runs with it in an interesting way. The seaside village has a symbiotic relationship with the undead. As the opening flashback shows, the Templars have been taking hearts since medieval times. The villagers are terrified the zombies will turn on them if they resist but, naturally, can't tell outsiders about this tradition. So de Ossorio ends up adding a “town with a secret” element to the story. The sacrifice scenes feel truly ritualistic too, the hearts cut out of the women, who are then picked over by crabs and gulls. Having this iteration of the Templars worship a fish-like deity – recalling Lovecraft's Dagon – is a nice change as well, after three movies of them being devil worshipers.

Making the Templars part of a town-wide conspiracy adds to the film's unnerving atmosphere. From the moment the characters arrive, they don't feel trusted. There's something off about the setting, from the way they casually abuse Teddy. While the title sounds odd, there is definitely something eerie about the sounds of seagulls calling at night. Mostly, the zombie attack scenes here are the creepiest since the first movie. There's an extended sequence of the Templars trying to break into a home, a classic moment of zombie suspense that is well executed. Each of the “Blind Dead” films have at least one indelibly spooky image. “Night of the Seagulls'” comes at the very end, as the fallen Templar ooze blood from their empty eye-sockets.

I'm thoroughly in the pro-“Night of the Seagulls” column. While “Tombs of the Blind Dead” is probably the creepiest of the quartet, the final entry strikes me as the most consistent. The story is interesting, the characters are likable, and that spooky ambiance of creaky dread is still intact. While the Blind Dead series would officially end here, there have been a few homages and unofficial continuations over the years. Franco's “Mansion of the Living Dead” and Naschy's “The Devil's Cross” feature similar looking ghouls. De Ossorio was supposedly shopping around a fifth “Blind Dead” script when he died in 2001, which I would've liked to have seen. Though they are all inconsistent, I'd say the entire “Blind Dead” series is worth looking at, if nothing for the novel addition they made to zombie movie history.  [7/10]

Tales from the Cryptkeeper: Gorilla's Paw

The “Monkey's Paw” premise is one the original “Tales from the Crypt” took a whack at once or twice. Even the original Amicus film contains a variation on it. So I guess it's only fair that the cartoon puts a spin on this one too. “Gorilla's Paw” follows Walter, an awkward nerd desperate to be accepted by a trio of cool kids. They keep him around as an errand boy but refuse to accept him into their club. While visiting a shop, the boys see a magical gorilla's paw, supposedly gifted with the ability to grant wishes. Walter steals the paw and begins to grant his friends' wildest fantasies, finally becoming an official member of the club. He soon learns that wishes can't be undone once they're granted and that leads to disastrous consequences.

“Gorilla's Paw” puts a wacky spin on a premise that, admittedly, we've seen many versions of. Kevin, the leader of the clique, wishes to be on “Gruesome Gladiators,” a horror-fied version of “American Gladiators.” This leads to an extremely odd sequence of the boys being attacked by various monsters. They're sprayed with acidic liquid, licked by a rock creature that emerges from the ground, and nearly get eaten by a giant squid. This scene is pretty weird, slightly off-putting, and ends with two people transformed into trees. The episode's crazier diversions are more appealing, such as an idle wish “for the moon” going very literally and the giant gorilla the paw was stolen from coming to retrieve it. The moral plays out in a satisfying way, Walter learning that some people aren't worth befriending. Overall, this is a slightly weird but entertaining episode. [7/10]

Wolf Creek: Journey

Last year, after watching the two “Wolf Creek” films, I also watched the six episode television series. While season one of “Wolf Creek” suffered from some seriously bloated story telling, I found the struggle between John Jarret's psychopath Mick Taylor and Lucy Fry's Eve, the only victim to best him, compelling. The first season must've brought eyeballs to Stan, the streaming service it aired on, as a second season followed in 2017. As I was finalizing my October watch list, news came out that Jarratt was being charged for a sexual assault it seems he committed back in the seventies. After that news, I considered dropping the show altogether. I guess curiosity and inertia got the best of me because, here I am, watching it anyway.

Following the events of the previous season, the police are determined to find the serial killer active in the Wolf Creek area of Australia. Mick Taylor, feeling the heat, flees to Southern Australia. There, he sets his eyes on a new batch of victims. A tour bus packed full of travelers is headed into the outback. They include an American businesswoman and her husband, a British psychologist, a German family, a gay couple, an Islamic photographer, a black American war veteran, a bus nerd from New Zealand, and two Canadian young women. After the tour guide, Davos, encounters Mick at a gas station and accidentally insults him, the killer decides to take the tourists on his own type of outback adventure.

A big problem I had with season one was the excessive number of plot points – many of them very silly – it introduced. These added little to the story, other than padding the runtime out to six hours. The second season seems to have solved this problem. By introducing a whole bus full of people, there's tons of potential plot threads to draw from. Out of these, the most interesting one to me is Kelly and Michelle, the Canadians. Kelly is a lesbian and in love with Michelle, who is straight and smitten with photographer Wade. (Emma, the German couple's daughter, also seems to like him.) By the end of the episode, it's clear Michelle knows how Kelly feels about her. I'm curious how that will play out, especially once the violence begin. I'm less invested in married couple Rebecca and Danny, though watching them re-connect here is sort of sweet. The diverse group seems mostly persuasive, even Ritchie with his encyclopedic knowledge of buses.

As always, Mick's presence introduces an unnerving tension. The opening scene, where he murders an old friend, definitively clarifies that killing is an impulsive desire for Mick. The casual scene he has with Davos, a really likable character, builds more in tension as it goes on. The cliffhanger, which has Mick killing the tour guide and assuming his role, suggests some very grim things are ahead for our tourists. It's a shame John Jarrett is apparently a scumbag in real life, as he continues to be a terrifying but oddly charming on-screen villain. We'll see how it goes – season one of “Wolf Creek” also had an excellent first episode, before loosing its grip later on – but I think season two has already hooked me. [7/10]

Halloween 2018: October 12

Deep Blue Sea (1999)

As I said the other day, the record-breaking popularity of “Jaws” inspired countless other killer shark movies. Most of these movies are exploitative cash-ins. This trend never really slowed down. In the late nineties and early 2000s, the direct-to-video market was flooded with cheaply produced, shitty shark movies. More recently, the “Sharknado” franchise has picked up these reins. Occasionally, however, a major studio will drop some money on a shark movie. This year saw the release of the highly entertaining “The Meg,” which did good business. Back in 1999, Warner Brothers dropped a sizable chunk of cash on “Deep Blue Sea.” The R-rated creature feature did okay at the box office. Countless television screenings since then has made “Deep Blue Sea's” reputation grow. Nowadays, some even consider it the best shark movie outside of Spielberg's masterpiece.

The idea that sharks never get cancer is bullshit but “Deep Blue Sea's” entire premise is based around it, so just accept that and move on. Dr. Susan McAlester is looking for a cure to dementia. To achieve this, she has genetically modified mako sharks – which are said to never get dementia – and made their brains bigger. This has had the side effects of the making the sharks super-intelligent. While millionaire Russell Franklin is visiting the underwater research facility, the sharks break loose and reek havoc. Soon, the motley gang of survivors, made up of several scientist and diver Carter Blake, are fighting for their lives.

“Deep Blue Sea” was directed by Renny Harlin, who was still trying to get out of director's jail following the record breaking failure of “Cutthroat Island.” Harlin's direction has always been characterized by flash-bang excess. With his killer shark epic, Harlin really doubles down on brain-dead action theatrics. There's quite a bit of slow-motion, usually during action scenes that already border over-the-top. Harlin makes the water look crystal clear, the entire film having a clean, music video sheen. There's far more CGI than was advisable in 1999. This is most obvious during the multiple death scenes, as the human characters become floppy, unconvincing, computer-generated mannequins as soon as they go into the shark's mouths. The CGI sharks don't look great either. The animatronic effects are much stronger.

So “Deep Blue Sea” is obviously a very silly motion picture. I mean, that should be evident from the “we made super-smart sharks to cure Alzheimer's” plot. Most of the time, the movie's dumbness is fairly boring and insulting. The moment where the sharks destroy a helicopter, which causes a chain reaction that cripples the entire research facility, is completely ridiculous. So is a sequence where L.L. Cool J blows up a shark as revenge for it eating his pet parrot. However, “Deep Blue Sea” is occasionally kind of clever in its blockbuster silliness. The sharks using a bound human as a projectile to bust a glass barrier is cool. When L.L. hides in an oven, the shark turns the heat on.  Most of the time, the sharks just act like vicious man-eaters, smart enough to escape but not smart enough to do anything but kill their captors. Yet there's definitely some novelty to the premise.

The other thing that “Deep Blue Sea” does well is make it tricky to guess who will die next. The most famous example has been spoiled due to pop culture osmosis. Yes, the biggest star – Samuel L. Jackson as millionaire Russell Franklin – is chomped halfway through the movie and halfway through an inspirational monologue. This is not the only surprise attack. Stellen Skarsgaard getting his arm suddenly bitten off is a decent shock. Most shockingly, Saffron Burrows' heroine survives through most of the movie just to be offed about ten minutes before the credits. Still, some of the deaths are easy to spot. There was no way Michael Rappaport's scrappy scientist or Jacqueline McKenzie's tomboy doctor were making it to the end. I would've much prefer the latter live over L.L. Cool J's obnoxious comic relief character. Thomas Jane's blandly gruff tough guy hero was obviously going to survive.

I wanted to like “Deep Blue Sea” more than I actually did. A big budget B-movie, from the same era as “The Relic,” “Starship Troopers,” and “Hollow Man,” should've been right up my alley. Yet Harlin's approach is generally too senseless to be pleasing. Many of the actors are miscast, annoying, or somewhat bland. Many of the special effects have not aged well at all. Still, I can see why people like this one. Imagining being a teenager, on a lazy Sunday with nothing else to do, renting this from Blockbuster or catching it on cable. Under those circumstances, “Deep Blue Sea” was probably a hoot. In our jaded age of streaming and Marvel movies, it's pleasures are considerably more humble. I honestly think that hilariously dumb rap song may be my favorite thing about the movie. [6/10]

Ghost Ship of the Blind Dead (1974)
El buque maldito / The Ghost Galleon

It's impossible to find specific box office results for the “Blind Dead” movie. However, it seems that the first two films must have been successes because, in 1974, Amando de Ossrio upgraded his two-parter into a trilogy. The third film, as has now become normal, has several different titles. It's original Spanish title translates literally to “The Damned Vessel.” It was originally released in America under the generic title of “Horror of the Zombies.” It's most commonly known now as “The Ghost Galleon,” the catchy title that Blue Underground chose for their DVD release. I first encountered the film as “Ghost Ship of the Blind Dead,” the title which best slots in alongside the other films. So that's the one I'm going with.

Once again, “Ghost Ship of the Blind Dead” shares no continuity with the previous two films, being about an identical set of blinded zombie Templar Knights that hunt humans. We begin with two bikini models being set adrift in the ocean, as a publicity stunt. This soon goes wrong, as the two women collide with a mysterious ship. It appears to be a sixteenth century galleon but is seemingly abandoned. A rescue party is sent out, soon locating the ship. However, the ghost galleon is not empty. It is occupied by eyeless, blood-drinking, Satan-worshiping, undead Templar Knights. Soon, everyone living aboard the ship is being stalked by the unholy attackers.

The first two “Blind Dead” films got a lot of mileage out of spooky atmosphere. That score, full of ominous chanting, combined beautifully with images of gnarly zombies pulling themselves from their graves. The films even managed to mine the ridiculous image of the Blind Dead, riding in slow-mo on their horses, for some chills. By setting itself upon a derelict vessel, “Ghost Ship of the Blind Dead” maximizes the spooky atmosphere. The ghost ship is strewn with cobwebs, caked in dust, and feels genuinely haunted. Moreover, the ghost galleon occupies its own dimension, something the characters comment on repeatedly. It's always overcast, a chilly blue moon above. You almost don't need the Blind Dead to crawl out of their hiding places. The ghost ship is creepy enough on its own.

Unfortunately, the excellent atmosphere of its seafaring location is the only thing “Ghost Ship of the Blind Dead” really has going for it. After taking up most of the last film, the titular zombies only put in a few appearances here. While they gorily dismember one of the models, they are later ushered back into the ship just by someone reciting a prayer and making a cross. There's also not a single scene of the Knights hunting via sound. Far too much of “Ghost Ship of the Blind Dead” is made up of people wandering around. The first victims navigate the creepy ship, eventually deciding to spend the night there despite that being an awful idea. When their would-be rescuers arrive, they expend far too much time arguing among themselves. The climax comes suddenly and lacks much punch, concluding with the image of what is obviously a toy boat being set on-fire.

The characters are also a very thin and unlikable set. Maria Perschy, whose dub voice sounds a lot like Cathy Moriarty, comes off as fairly bitchy. The other female characters are helpless and uninspired. The men are all fairly unlikable. The most prominent guy is an expert in the paranormal, who provides the Knights' origin story, denying us a spooky flashback. This being a “Blind Dead” movie, there's yet another attempted rape scene. Included before the gang gets on the ghost ship, it comes off as especially gratuitous and unnecessary. The ending is downbeat and incredibly ominous, the Blind Dead rising out of the ocean and claiming the beached survivors. You really aren't sad to see them go.

So I'm very torn on “Ghost Ship of the Blind Dead.” On one hand, the gothic atmosphere is incredible. As Halloween mood setting, Ossorio's third zombie flick could not function better. As an actual narrative movie, it's harder to recommend. I've frequently heard the film criticized as boring and that's pretty fair. Not a lot actually happens here. There's not even nearly enough action involving the Blind Dead themselves. But, damn, I really do like the spooky ship. That makes me like this one a little more than I probably should, considering it's something of a snooze otherwise. [6/10]

Tales from the Cryptkeeper: Fare Tonight

“Fare Tonight” is probably the most adorable episode of “Tales from the Cryptkeeper” yet. It follows Camille and Mildred, two teenage girls obsessed with monster movies, vampires in particular. A big point of contention between the best friends is that Camille thinks vampires are real, while Mildred is a skeptic. Camille talks her friend into investigating sightings of a bat-like humanoid, around a spooky all-night diner. Using a vampire detector she found instructions for in a monster hunting manual, they hunt a suspicious figure to an abandoned warehouse. It appears their limo driver friend Eugene is in danger.. Or is he?

Camille and Mildred could not be more precious. They wear fake fangs to classic monster movie festivals, casually drop references to Buster Keaton, and ride their bikes into sketchy neighborhoods at four o’clock in the morning. The antics the two get into, such as leaping their bikes over an elevated bridge, are a little too manic at times. However, their best friend banter makes up for a lot. Once the vampire is revealed, he’s surprisingly grotesque, with red eyes, clawed fingers, and a twisting, shape-shifting face. It’s easy to imagine young kids being scared by the scene where he attacks Camille in the limo. The way he’s dispatched - melted by sunlight - is also more graphic than expected. I think the episode’s moral is supposed to be about trusting your friends. From a modern perspective, it reads more like “don’t trust older men who hang around teenage girls, especially if you’re a teenage girl.” The episode is charming enough to make up for some repetitive animation, during a moment where Mildred is trying to figure out the limo’s controls. [7/10]

Forever Knight: Love You to Death

For its final episode of its first season, you'd expect “Forever Knight” to pull out something really special. Instead, it's mostly business as usual for the vampire/cop show. A lingerie model is found dead in a park, her body perfectly posed by whoever left the corpse there. Nick and Schanke are sent to investigate the modeling company. There, Nick meets Lucy Preston, a model who bares an uncanny resemblance to Sylvaine, a ballerina Nick fell in love with at the turn of the century. Soon, Lucy is kidnapped as well. The cops determine that an obsessed fan must be responsible.

As is often the case, the crime-of-the-week plot is the weakest part of this “Forever Knight” episode. The kidnapper objectifies the women, treating them as pure angels he can dress up however he wants. Once they step outside his specific fantasy, he has to kill them. No attempt is made to connect this attitude with how the fashion industry at large treats its women. The crime story is resolved in a fairly uninvolving fashion. The girl escapes on her own, Nick flies in, and the bad guy accidentally disposes of himself.

The flashback sequences prove more interesting. Seeing Nick so starstruck is interesting. Ultimately, this episode depicts the moment Nicholas and LeCroix became enemies, as the master vampire decided to kill Nick's ballerina crush because he could feel the woman luring Nick away from the dark side. What a dick move! No wonder the two hate each other now. This is fairly juicy stuff and also sets up the finale's cliffhanger, the sole concession “Love You to Death” makes to being a season finale. After a whole season of only existing in flashbacks, LeCroix has officially been brought back to life. It's a strong note to take the season out on and makes up for “Love You to Death” being a somewhat lackluster episode overall. [6/10]

Thus concludes my write-up of season one of “Forever Knight.” Revisiting this show has been fun. In many ways, it's a very typical cop show of its time and place. The vampire element is not always used in the most creative or interesting way. However, I've become attached to the cast and characters. Geraint Wyn Davies is a compelling actor, Nick and Natalie's will-they-won't-they relationship is cute, and Schanke is lovably goofy. It's fun to live for a while inside the show's moody take on vampire life. It's pretty campy and cheap by modern standards but I still like it. I'm looking forward to covering the next two seasons over the next two years.

Halloween 2018: October 11

Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)

There's no genre horror fans love to be all post-modern about more than the slasher movie. It's not just because of “Scream.” Parodies, like “Student Bodies” and  “Unmasked Part 25,” existed long before Wes Craven and Kevin Williams' famous deconstruction. It's gotten to the point where played-straight, unironic examples of the genre are getting harder to find. When “Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon” started to hit festivals in 2006, it certainly seemed to be playing this note too. Yet the film's novel approach, essentially being a mash-up of “Man Bites Dog” and “Scream,” won it fans. Over a decade later – how the time flies – its cult following has only grown stronger.

In a world where Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers are real, Leslie Vernon hopes to become the next great slasher icon. He's manufactured an elaborate legend around himself, involving a local apple orchard. He's currently pursuing a high school girl named Kelly and hopes to make her his “survivor girl,” after he's murdered all her friends. In order to document his process, he's invited a group of student filmmakers, led by young woman named Taylor. At first, the filmmakers are fascinated as Leslie explains his plan, as he introduces his mentor and gets his own archenemy. As Leslie comes closer to pulling off his killing spree, Taylor and the others realize they are all part of his slasher scheme.

By 2006, all the tropes and conventions of the slasher genre had been thoroughly picked over. We were all familiar with how sex equals death, the virginal final girl, the slowly advancing killer. Yet “Behind the Mask” somehow finds new things to say about slasher cliches. Going behind the scenes, showing the killer planning out his rampage, provides clever new observations. We see Leslie lay traps for his victims, sabotaging weapons and potential escape routes. He explains how he has to do lots of cardio, to keep up the illusion of the slow moving but inescapable slasher. (A deleted scene explains that slashers just run when the victims' backs are turned.) That he uses slight of hands and tricks to perpetrate his legend. A lot of the humor comes from contrasting Leslie's upbeat personality with his monstrous actions. He tells jokes and plays with his pet turtles. When he discovers he has an “Ahab,” an obsessive hero hunting him, he's overjoyed. He explains his intention to commit multiple homicides with a smile, becoming genuinely likable.

“Behind the Mask's” deconstruction of the slasher film works for a clear reason. The film isn't mocking anything. Director Scott Glosserman and his cohorts obviously love and respect the subgenre. Throughout the film, Leslie breaks down the symbolism of the final girl's journey. He talks about the womb-like aspect of the closest or shed. He discusses the phallic symbolism of the weapons she'll inevitably choose. The transference of power as she goes from victim to hero. It's all straight out of “Men, Women, and Chainsaw” but the film delivers it with conviction. Leslie, and all other slashers it's implied, actually admire their chosen targets. They want to see them become the best versions of themselves. They, in an odd way, love them. (And it's sometimes reciprocated, as Leslie's mentor Eugene married one of his final girls.) This brings an element to the slasher genre we hadn't seen before and is probably the most novel and unique aspect of “Behind the Mask.”

Most of “Behind the Mask” is shot like the mockumentary it is. We assume the perspective of the filmmakers' cameras. However, occasional Glosserman's camera pulls back. The opening scene, of Leslie stalking Kelly at her work, is shot like a traditional slasher flick. Periodically, “Behind the Mask” will take this approach. We see Leslie's imagining of his special night this way or his first murder in front of the girl. In the last act, “Behind the Mask” intentionally switches to this perspective. It comes just as the movie switches around most of the expectations it built up in the first two acts. In a brilliant and hilarious twist, we discover that Kelly is not the final girl Leslie's been pursuing. This last act essentially lets “Behind the Mask” have its cake and eat it too. It's both a clever deconstruction of slasher flicks and a fine, exciting, and surprising execution of the genre.

Perhaps more than anything else, the film's cast is what makes it so likable. Nathan Baesel is goddamn delightful as Leslie. He manages to make this psychotic killer into a lovable nerd, someone whose passion for his chosen field is infectious. Which makes the moment when he swings in the other direction, showing how vicious and uncompromising he can be, all the more startling. Angela Goethals is also excellent as Taylor, a shy young woman trying to come out of her shell. Goethals has a tightly wound veneer throughout most of the film until it finally cracks in the last act. The movie fills its supporting cast with recognizable genre actors. Scott Wilson, who just passed away a few days ago, is perfectly utilized as Leslie's mentor. (Who, the screenwriter has confirmed, is meant to be “Black Christmas'” Billy.) Robert Englund has several scenes as the obviously Dr. Looms-inspired Ahab. Zelda Rubenstein only has one scene but gets to deliver the legend behind Leslie, which is perfect. And then there's Kane Hodder, who has a very funny cameo.

As you'd expect from a movie all about the rules of the slasher genre, “Behind the Mask” ends by setting up its own sequel. Hints are dropped throughout about how Leslie can survive his climatic send-off. Sadly, actual attempts to get that sequel made – tentatively entitled "Before the Mask" – have been difficult. Scott Glosserman and his team have pursued the concept as a comic book. Recent news suggest the film may finally be moving forward, in one way or another. I can only hope that comes to pass. Leslie obviously deserves to spawn a franchise. Until then, “Behind the Mask” stands as a supremely cleverly and brilliantly executed love letter to the slasher genre. [9/10]

Return of the Blind Dead (1973)
El ataque de los muertos sin ojos / Return of the Evil Dead

It seems that “Night of the Living Dead's” original release made far bigger ripples in Europe than America. While the States wouldn't start really pumping out zombie movies until the eighties, the early seventies saw a number of releases in Europe. “Vengeance of the Zombies,” “A Virgin Among the Living Dead,” and “Let Sleeping Corpses Lie” would follow throughout the decade's early years. De Ossorio's “Blind Dead” series was ready and willing to capitalize on this hunger. A year after the release of “Tombs of the Blind Dead,” the director and his sightless Templar Knights would return as well. Among the many alternate titles for “El ataque de los muetos sin ojos” –  translated as “Attack of the Eyeless Dead” – “Return of the Blind Dead “is the most appropriate.

“Return of the Bind Dead” is not technically a sequel to “Tombs.” The film presents an entirely different origin for the Blind Dead. Now, the blood-drinking, virgin sacrificing Templars are located in the Portuguese town of Bouzano. The angry villagers strung the Knights up and burned their eyes out with torches. In the centuries since then, the town has built a festival around the Knights' executions. They have fireworks, burning effigies, and plenty of celebration. Town idiot Murdo makes a blood sacrifice that night, awakening the Blind Dead once again. Soon, the eyeless zombies are rampaging through the town, forcing a motley crew of survivors to hide inside a local church.

As I said last time, the Blind Dead only actually appeared in a few scenes in the first film in the series. De Ossorio clearly set out to correct this oversight with “Return of the Blind Dead.” The sound-seeking Knights enter the film earlier and get far more screen time. There's more spooky shots of the mummified zombies riding their undead horses in slow motion. They reap more mayhem than before. On horseback, they slice their way through a crowd. Later, a bound man has his hand sliced off. There's even a decapitation, when the Blind Dead turn on the man who summoned them. The spookiest moment in the film comes at the very end, when the lifeless Templars collapse after sunrise.

The sequel gives us way more of the blind Templar Knights but at the cost of creating a more typical zombie movie. Though the horses are maintained, there are far fewer scenes of the Blind Dead detecting by sound, going a long way towards removing the villains' central gimmick. After the attack begins, the heroes and villains gather in a church at the town's edge. From that point on, “Return of the Blind Dead” becomes a rather sloppy variation on “Night of the Living Dead.” The church is more secure than the farm house in Romero's classic, so characters are given unconvincing excuses to leave the building. When the humans are fighting among themselves, they are listening to the Templar Knights banging on the church doors. This stuff isn't as creepy and unique as the zombie theatrics spotted in the first movie.

The protagonists of the first “Blind Dead” film were distinguished by a bisexual love triangle. The heroes of the sequel do not bring anything that interesting to the table. Instead, “Return of the Blind Dead” adds an element of political satire to the material. The town's Mayor watches the Blind Dead attack the festival. After they hide in the church, the Mayor and his aide grab the money and decide to run. They use a child as bait. They contact the Governor several times, who never seems especially concerned about the zombies. Instead, he's way more fascinated with seducing his maid and staying in bed. (This being the kind of horror movie it is, there's also an attempted rape scene.) While the political intrigue is something, it makes many of the character unlikable. Tony Kedall and Esperanza Roy's heroes are fairly bland.

It's easy to imagine de Ossorio designing this sequel around fan demand. People wanted more of the blind Templar Knights, so he gave the zombies a far bigger role. By playing more to zombie movie conventions, “Return of the Blind Dead” ends up loosing some of what made the first movie so special. Still, the sequel is not a total wash. There's still a few creepy shots, the music is still eerie, and those blind zombies are still pretty cool. If you liked the first, definitely watch the second film. But also keep your expectations a little more measured with this one. [6/10]

Tales from the Cryptkeeper: Hyde and Go Shriek

Despite the title, “Hyde and Go Shriek” is only sort-of, kind-of “Tales from the Cryptkeeper” putting its spin on the Jekyll/Hyde story. High school nerd Wendell – people named Wendell are always nerds – is relentlessly bullied by the school jocks. He usually takes it in stride but when thug Rex tosses out Wendell's pet rat, the nerd has had enough. He attempts to bulk up and, when that doesn't work, buys some supposedly magical tea from Rex's friends. The tea, however, actually works. When he drinks it, Wendell turns into a bespectacled werewolf. Soon enough, the put-upon teen uses his new ability to turn his tormentors into the tormented.

After the weak “Cave Man,” “Tales from the Cryptkeeper” gets back into shape with “Hyde and Go Shriek.” The moral here is a classic almost worthy of the live action show. After werewolf Wendell humiliates Rex, the bully tries the same magic tea. His attempt goes horribly wrong though, in a classic twist. The sequence of the werewolf chasing Rex through an abandoned building is a solid horror sequence, featuring some nice animation and several decent moments of suspense. It's kid-friendly but still effectively spooky. This is also a fairly funny episode. The health food store is owned by the dad of a friend of Rex's. Everyone responds to this news in the same baffled fashion. The Cryptkeeper's puns in the host segment are also extra sharp. Over all, this is exactly the kind of G-rated horror theatrics that this show does well, at least when its on the ball. [7/10]

Forever Knight: 1966

I was hoping that “1966” would be about Nick's adventures with hippies or something. Instead, it's about the vampire visiting Berlin during the Cold War. In the present day, a nut with a gun and a grenade holds the police station hostage. He wants to see his brother released, points a gun at Natalie's head, and threatens to blow up the whole station. This reminds him of the time he traveled behind the Berlin Wall. In hopes of discovering an ancient book capable of lifting curses, called the Ararat, Nick helps a family of political dissidents escape from the Soviet Union.

I'll admit, “1966” is an episode I had some problems getting into. It's pretty easy to figure out why the modern day scenes take place entirely in one room. The flashbacks are longer and more involved than this show usually is. While I like Geraint Wyn Davies' chemistry with the actress playing the daughter, the storyline is a bit of a snooze. It's picks up more once they're on the run, Nick forced to use his vampire powers to fight some East Berlin soldiers. LeCroix also puts in a surprise appearance at the end. The modern-set scenes are mildly tense, especially in the slightly ridiculous way it plays out. [6/10]

Halloween 2018: October 10

Tombs of the Blind Dead (1972)
La noche del terror ciego

Horror films made in Spain have never garnered the same cult following, stateside, as Italian horror. Though Jess Franco and Narciso Ibáñez Serrador have their disciples, they've never caught on to the degree Dario Argento or Mario Bava have. Maybe it's because there are fewer notable Spanish horror directors or maybe because the country's genre output is more uneven overall. If Spanish horror has a key image, and it's not Paul Naschey's immortal werewolf count, it's the eyeless Templar Knights of Amando de Ossorio's “Blind Dead” tetralogy. Inspired by American zombie movies, de Ossorio's “Tombs of the Blind Dead” would kickstart a short-lived interest in horror in the Spanish film industry. In the years since, the film, its sequels and knock-offs have developed a small but passionate fan following.

At a vacation resort, childhood friends Betty and Virginia reunite. Virginia is traveling with her platonic male friend Roger. They invite Betty on a trip the next day, where they pass through the Portuguese town of Berzano. Berzano is home to a legend. Hundreds of years ago, a sect of Satan-worshiping Templar Knights lived in a temple there. After sacrificing and cannibalizing a number of people, the Knights were hanged from trees. Before they died, crows plucked their eyes out. Supposedly, the undead Knights still stalk the temple after sunset. Virginia discovers this legend is true, after ducking out of the train ride and spending the night in the temple. Betty and Roger go searching for their missing friend and experience the wrath of the Blind Dead personally.

“Tombs of the Blind Dead” is a film with a lot of flaws. However, a key element has insured its status as a Eurohorror cult classic. The Blind Dead are genuinely creepy. The Knight move extremely slowly, their ancient bones creaking. Fog rises from the ground before they pull themselves from their tombs. The ages have caused their white robe to decay into a dirty brown color. Their eyeless skulls peak out from under hoods, scraggy beards dangling from their skeletal faces. Being blind, they often grasp the air wildly. They hunt entirely by sound, meaning their victims' screams or heartbeat can give them away. This gives them a gimmick unlike any other cinematic zombies. Their visual appearances and behavior make them a unique and unforgettable collection of horror villains.

The horror movie around them is sometimes creepy too. The musical score, which heavily features gothic chanting, is extremely spooky and might've inspired Jerry Goldsmith's notorious soundtrack to “The Omen.” De Ossorio's direction is occasionally very cheesy, as he utilizes some crass zooms. However, his use of slow-motion – mostly during the scenes where the Knights are riding their horses – is effective. It makes the zombies, who are otherwise very slow and easy to escape, seem truly otherworldly. Another scene, a slow-paced stalking inside a factory colored by flashing red lights, is also tense. The scenes of the Blind Dead attacking can be disturbing. The film is not extremely gory but its moment of violence make an impact. Such as the finale, where the ghouls invade a busy train. They attack a young woman, her infant daughter helplessly clinging to her lifeless and bleeding mother. Though uneven, “Tombs of the Blind Dead's” spookiest moments definitely make an impression.

Sadly, the movie around those scenes is not as sturdy. Plot wise, “Tombs of the Blind Dead” meanders wildly. The titular zombies only truly appear in two scenes. A long stretch in the middle shows the undead condition to be contagious, as a victim resurrects and makes her own kill. These scenes feel totally different from the rest of the movie. The script has no clear protagonist. At first, it seems to be Virginia but she is killed half-way through. Her friends take over from there. Even then, the movie often shifts focus to unimportant side characters. There's a lengthy subplot devoted to a criminal empire, that never connects to the zombie story. “Tombs of the Blind Dead” often feels like its story was made up as the filmmakers went along, few clear objectives in mind.

The cast is not especially notable. Being a European horror film from the seventies, even the uncut and subtitled version is technically dubbed. However, at least one character emerges as unusual. There's a reason Virginia and Roger aren't boyfriend and girlfriend, despite Roger's obvious attraction to her. When Virginia and Betty meet again, there's a clear awkwardness between them. In college, the two women were more than just friends. Virginia is a lesbian and Betty is at least bisexual. This subplot results in a very sleazy and uncomfortable scene, where another man attempts to rape Betty into being straight. Yet it's clear that the queer love story isn't in the film strictly for exploitative reasons. The director was interested in this, for more than just totally salacious reasons.

I have no idea if “Tombs of the Blind Dead” will appeal to all horror fans. The pace is slow. The story is inconsistent. The villains, as creepy as they are, could've been easily outrun. The aesthetic is undeniably cheesy and sleazy. However, the film's strong moments are still rather impressive. More than anything else, the undead antagonists still stand out among the countless other cinematic zombies shambling around. This unique gimmick would make the film a success on the drive-in and grindhouse circuit. Today, a select group of fans still enjoy this one. (Bizarre bit of trivia: One American cut of the film tried to piggyback off the popularity of the “Planet of the Apes” films by re-editing the movie to make the Templer Knights undead, evil apes. I can kind of see the resemblance but that change must've necessitate some impressive rewrites.) [7/10]

Joy Ride (2001)

I've always been fascinated with horror movies that take place on the open road. It's not that I find road trips to be inherently sinister or anything. But things can easily go wrong on the road. Contrasting the upbeat nature of a trip, the endless possibility of the road, with horror is also a worthy exercise. Despite my fondness for this story type, I've never gotten around to watching “Joy Ride” before. I always dismissed the film as another post-”Scream,” watered-down, mall horror wannabe. That's certainly what the trailers and posters made it look like. Despite that, “Joy Ride” has received some positive notice over the years. Combining that with the road-bound premise, I decided that this October was finally the time for me to watch this one.

College student Lewis learns that Vienna, a girl he's been lusting after for some time, is recently single. With summer break fast approaching, Lewis offers to drive from California to Colorado, pick her up, and drive back. Lewis doesn't actually have a car but he quickly gets a rental. Along the way, he receives news that his troubled brother, Fuller, has just gotten out of jail. Lewis picks up Fuller, who adds a CB radio to the car. Bored on the road, they decide to pull a prank on a trucker who goes by the handle “Rusty Nail.” Fuller talks Lewis into pretending to be a woman, who offers to sleep with Rusty Nail. Things start to go wrong when Rust shows up at their hotel and brutally injuries another tenant. Nail doesn't appreciate being pranked. Soon, he's pursuing the brothers and Vienna, determined to punish them as harshly as possible.

“Joy Ride” was co-written by J.J. Abrams, back when he was just a humble screenwriter and not a director of massive blockbusters. Ever the student of Spielberg, “Joy Ride” is obviously Abrams' homage to “Duel.” In that film, the malevolent trucker pursues Dennis Weaver for no reason at all. Here, the protagonists have genuinely wronged the trucker. Rusty Nail was essentially promised sex. When he didn't receive it, he revealed himself as a dangerous and obsessive killer. Sex is wrapped up inside all of “Joy Ride.” Lewis is motivated by sex, hoping to get some from Vienna. Fuller frequently talks about being horny. Eventually, both brothers become attracted to the girl. This marks “Joy Ride” as a slasher movie in spirit, where sex triggers the horror and youthful indiscretions are punished by an insane murderer.

I say slasher “in spirit” because “Joy Ride” does not focus on gory mayhem. If it wasn't for a few F-bombs, the movie easily could've been rated PG-13. Instead, the film successfully aims for suspense. The moment Rusty Nail's psychosis is revealed is effective voyeuristic. That leads into a brilliant moment, where the protagonists realize they're being followed. The chase scene after that builds fantastically, involving a false start at a gas station, a surprisingly big explosion, and the place between a tree and a screeching truck. The film peaks somewhat early, with the desperate and escalating tension of that sequence. However, it comes close to matching that moment near the end. After Rusty Nail has captured Vienna and invents an elaborate trap for the guys, the audience is left wondering exactly what will happen. “Joy Ride's” thrills are grisly and sweaty enough that the film easily leaps from thriller to horror.

A big factor in whether a thriller works or not is if the audience cares about the characters. “Joy Ride” walks a perilous rope with that one. Its heroes are a horny, somewhat duplicitous guy and his chronic screw-up, ex-con brother. All the bad stuff that happens to them, they more-or-less bring on themselves. Yet Paul Walker and Steve Zahn manage to overcome these issues. Zahn roots enough of his bad behavior – even his attempt to seduce his brother's girlfriend – in a squirrely humor, making it easy to forgive him. Walker had an everyman quality that could border on bland. Here, the part has just enough personality that Walker comes off as relaxed and likable. Leelee Sobieski, gorgeous, plays Vienna as highly reasonable. Probably too reasonable to be involved in these shenanigans. Lastly, Ted Levine is perfectly utilized as the voice of the largely unseen Rusty Nail. Levine's gravelly baritone makes the trucker creepily abnormal and viscerally threatening.

“Joy Ride” certainly does fit in with the post-”Scream” wave of horror. It's cast is composed mostly of pretty faces, it's boldly derivative of films that came before, the soundtrack is full of pop songs, and John Dahl's direction is music video slick. There's also a bunch of floating heads on its poster. All that is true but it can't prevent “Joy Ride” from being a very effective on-the-road thriller. Two direct-to-video sequels, both of which supposedly feature gorier special effects, followed in 2008 and 2014. I liked this one enough that I'm honestly a bit curious about those too. [7/10]

Tales from the Cryptkeeper: Cave Man

The de-frosted caveman is another classic sci-fi/horror trope that the original “Tales from the Crypt” show never utilized. Once again, the animated spin-off picked up the tropes the live action show left behind. Peter's dad works at a museum, which is getting ready to open a new exhibit. The center piece of which is a real neanderthal, perfectly preserved in a block of ice. Mr. Orwell, the owner of the museum, is an asshole and forces Dad to work on Peter's birthday. As revenge, the boy smashes the cave man display. This causes the neanderthal to thaw out. Peter and the defrosted hunter/gatherer immediately becomes friends. The two go on an adventure together at a local carnival before returning to the museum.

Most of the “Tales from the Cryptkeeper” episodes, thus far, have done a decent job of actually functioning as little horror movies for kids. “Cave Man,” however, does not seem to be going for scares. The thawed-out caveman is a comical, not frightening, figure. His escapades are broadly humorous, in that fangless way children's television too often invokes. Watching the caveman smash stuff at the carnival or museum left me unmoved. (Though an Arnold Schwarzenegger-themed strength testing machine was nicely baffling.) The kid is also somewhat annoying, a selfish brat that cares more about his birthday than his dad's employment status. This is the kind of lame kiddie bullshit I feared “Tales from the Cryptkeeper” was and has mostly avoided being  up to this point. [4/10]

Forever Knight: Fatal Mistake

Maybe it's just because I was half-asleep while trying to watch it but “Fatal Mistake” is a convoluted episode of “Forever Knight.” It's another episode focused on Captain Stonetree. The captain is present during a burglary of a gas station. He chases the teenagers responsible and ends up fatally shooting one of the boys. The captain feels immense guilt over this. Nick explains to the captain that he understands how he feels. He recalls a time, centuries ago, where he bite a barmaid and sucked her dry. The death made Nick feel remorse for the first time since becoming a vampire fighter. Afterwards, LeCroix turned the girl into a vampire. Now, hundreds of years later, she's stalking Nick again.

“Fatal Mistakes” pretty clearly seems to be an episode split in two. The guilt Stonetree feels over the death, and the resulting revenge the victim's brother attempts to pull on him, are clearly not the main attractive here. Nick's showdown with his former victim is way more interesting. The vampires' fight in a junk yard is pretty cool and has a nicely grotesque ending. The two plots connect in tenuous ways, “Fatal Mistakes” feeling increasingly like the writers favored one plot line but didn't have the time or money to really give it the attention it needed. The result is a very uneven episode. [6/10]