CHRISTMAS 2022: Violent Night (2022)

Subversive Christmas cinema continues to evolve. Killer Santa movies are a dime a dozen. Action movies setting their chaos around the holidays has long since been enshrined in the hall of cinematic clichés, thanks to a certain ever-debatable seasonal classic. Raunchy Yuletide comedies were having a moment for a while, though they’ve fallen a little out of favor recently. None of these premises are especially novel on their own… But a combination of all three? Now that’ll get some butts in seats. One imagines this was the thought process that got “Violent Night,” an action flick putting the literal, mythical Santa Claus in place of John McClane, the greenlight. The script would come from the team behind the likable "Sonic the Hedgehog" movies while Tommy Wirkola, an expert in snowbound carnage, was in the director's chair. I want to say that creative team piqued my interest but the truth is the premise of "Die Hard Starring Santa" would've been irresistibly trashy regardless of who made it. 

After a thousand years of delivering gifts, Santa Claus is feeling a little blue. The increasingly materialistic, cynical world has him considering hanging up his jingle bells for good. On what might be his final Christmas, he stops at the mansion of rich industrialist family, the Lightstones. That's when a group of vicious mercenaries, led by a villain calling himself Mr. Scrooge, set their plan to steal three hundred million dollars in intractable bills into action. The gunfire scares off Santa's reindeer, stranding him in the besieged home. That's when Santa gets in contact with Trudy, the youngest Lightstone who only wants her mom and dad to get back together. The two communicate as the not-so-jolly old elf embraces his violent past to save the family from the ruthless robbers. 

“Violent Night” comes to us from 87North Productions, the company founded by David Leitch.to expand the action empire he started with “John Wick.” Of course, Leitch also directed the second “Deadpool” movie. Tonally, this Santa slaughter flick is much closer to the comedic superhero saga than Keanu Reeves shooting a hundred guys in the face. “Violent Night” has a similar tendency to be too impressed with its own outrageousness at times. One of the first things that happens here is Santa Claus puking on someone's face. The extended members of the Lightstones family are all exaggerated terrible people who speak mostly in obnoxiously overwritten, profane dialogue. Some of the characters, such as the Mark Wahlberg-like fiancée or a crazed henchman played by Brendan Fletcher, are utterly cartoonish. Considering the premise here, I guess it was inevitable that “Violent Night” would go over-the-top but the movie is definitely trying too hard to be edgy at times, instead of just letting the ridiculousness of its concept play out on its own.

“Violent Night's” glib violence, colorful vulgarities, and in-your-face characters stand in stark contrast to the relationship at the center of the story. You see, Trudy Lightstone is an adorable little moppet. Her love of Christmas and belief in Santa are utterly sincere. It's her precious earnestness that thaws Santa's cynicism and makes him love Christmas again. “Violent Night” plays this story arc totally straight, with nary a wink. While I suppose the movie could be applauded for committing to its status as a heartwarming Christmas movie and an ultra-violent action movie, the two tones jive badly in my eyes. It's really hard to take any of the movie's sentimental sense seriously at all when the rest of it is so utterly sarcastic. 

Regardless of whatever bumpy tonal issues occur throughout “Violent Night,” the film is at its most entertaining when embracing its intended goals as a gleefully over-the-top action movie. The creative team definitely had the most fun when juxtaposing wholesome Christmas decorations and winter traditions with the most violent executions they could conceived. Tensile, Christmas lights, a tree topper, and a nutcracker are utilized as weapons. “Home Alone” is reprised as a grisly gore-comedy. Once Santa picks up ice skates and activates the snowblower, “Violent Night” truly lives up to its title. While the action theatrics aren't quite up to the heights of 87North productions like “Atomic Blonde” or “Nobody,” they are pretty damn cool. There's some theatrical flips, brutal collisions, and some balletic fisticuffs. Once the snowmobile chases and explosions kick in, Wirkola's handle on the action is especially sturdy. 

For such a particular take on Santa Claus, a very specific type of actor was required. David Harbour strikes the right balance. He's believably holly jolly in some regards, even if this Santa is clearly grouchier and more intoxicated than most. He's also a creditable action lead, a burly looking guy that is physically imposing in a fight. Harbour's comedic chops are fine too and he manages to get a few laughs. As the villainous Mr. Scrooge, John Leguizamo happily hams it up and makes a fitting foil. Leah Brady is adorable as Trudy, precocious but not syrupy. Many of the supporting cast members go way over the top. Beverly D'Angelo as the Lightstone matriarch is especially cartoony, with Cam Gigandet's buffoonish character and much the henchmen being similarly ridiculous. (Though I kind of like the Dolph Lundgren-like Andre Eriksen.) 

By the end, “Violent Night's” mixture of gory action and crude yuletide comedy had won me over. Once the movie focuses on the premise of “Die Hard starring Santa Claus,” it really finds its hyper-violent groove. The movie finds a compelling reason for why this Santa is such a capable fighter, one that hints at a wider mythology. The film has done pretty well at the box office, and 87North has shown an eagerness to turn their surprise hits into franchises, so a “Another Violent Night” doesn't seem totally improbable. Whether we see this hard-boiled Santa again, “Violent Night” is an amusingly ridiculous Christmas gift for action aficionados and fans of off-beat holiday spectacle. [7/10]

Director Report Card: Michael Lehmann (1994)

4. Airheads

How do you come back from making one of the most notorious critical punching bags of the nineties? This was the question facing... Scott Alexander and Larry Karaszewski, after writing the widely loathed “Problem Child” films. The screenwriters found themselves emphasizing with a man widely considered the worst filmmaker of all time: Edward D. Wood Jr. They wrote a script about the man, that celebrated him, instead of mocking him. The duo found a kindred spirit in Michael Lehman, whose own career had been stained by making “Hudson Hawk.” The project would've been a fitting comeback vehicle for Lehman. The “Ed Wood” script ended up in the hands of Tim Burton, who loved it and desperately wanted to produce it... But only if he could direct it too. And, I guess, if you had to choose between the guy who made “Batman” directing your movie and the guy who made “Hudson Hawk,” you'd choose Burton too. 

Instead of “Ed Wood,” Lehmann chose a goofy comedy script from Rich Wilkes as his next project. “Airheads” follows Chazz, would-be rock star and lead singer of struggling metal band The Lone Rangers. After another failed attempt to get a record exec's attention, and getting dumped by his girlfriend, Chazz and his band mates – scheming bassist Rex and simpleton drummer Pip – get desperate. Armed with water pistols filled with hot sauce, the trio break into radio station KPPX. Things accidentally escalate into a hostage situation. Left on the air, the band tries to locate a playable copy of their demo, struggle with their newfound infamy, butt heads with the cops, reconnect with the women in their lives, and become rock folk heroes. 

There's an underappreciated little subgenre that I'm unusually fond of. I call them “dude movies.” These are motion pictures, always within the comedy genre, that follow goofy best friends on some sort of wacky adventure. There are usually two of them. They are almost always male. (Though a “dude movie” starring women would be a really neat twist.) Frequently, though not always, these dudes are made dudes by their surfer slang and love of heavy metal music. “Bill & Ted” and “Wayne's World” are the superstars of this small subgenre. “Airheads” fits comfortably into the dudes template, even if it follows three metal-obsessed screwballs who get into some shenanigans. A built-in fondness for exactly this kind of wackiness means I might be more susceptible to “Airheads'” questionable charms then some might be. 

While many dude movies just use the metalhead aesthetic for ambiance, spinning their stories off in off-beat directions, “Airheads” is explicitly concerned with the value of rock music. Like all true rock 'n' roll movies, it's really about the struggle to maintain the integrity of the music. Chazz and his band mates consider themselves “real” rock musicians, compared to the posers that fill the scene. Upon discovering that KPPX is going to be converted into a soft jazz station, everyone is outraged. When their infamy as criminals seemingly secures the Lone Rangers a contract, he's ultimately aghast. He wants to be famous for his music, not his reputation! The film repeatedly puts these clueless rock wannabes in conflict with feckless executives and square authority figures. This puts “Airheads” in a long line of movies and stories in which rock musicians struggle for authenticity in an industry built upon selling out.

The dudes genre is, in many ways, forever linked to the eighties idea of what a rock star is. “Airheads” is too. At one point, Chazz dismisses the music coming out of Seattle at the time, which is obviously a reference to the grunge genre that would completely displace metal's prominence in popular culture for most of the decade. Yet, watching “Airheads” tonight, I can't help but feel it's one of the most nineties movies I've ever seen. The central trio wear a lot of sleeveless flannel, headbands, Doc Martens, and acid-wash jeans. CDs and cassette tapes are reoccurring plot points. Rex works in an unnamed toy store that is pretty clearly a Toys-R-Us, back in the days when that chain was a series of dingy warehouses. The shelves are lined with then relevant but now retro toy lines, like “Crash Test Dummies” or the 90s version of “Stretch Armstrong.” The film begins with a stop-motion animation opening credits scene, which just hangs heavy with the atmosphere of my youth. And Beavis and Butthead have a cameo. Through no intentional moves, “Airheads” became an amusing time capsule of a specific time. 

Watching “Airheads” after seeing Michael Lehmann's first three features, you don't see too many of his trademarks. The stylized production design and heightened cinematography of “Heathers” and “Meet the Applegates” is nowhere to be seen here. Cinematographer John Schwartzman and production designer David Nichols do largely forgettable work. Yet there is a little taste of “Heathers” in “Airheads,” largely thanks to its frequently surreal dialogue. The metalheads toss around a number of bizarre insults, such as shouting “penis” in a weird way or referring to each other derisively as “femmes.” The script even mocks its own weird language, in a moment when the radio station owner attempts to replicate the style of speech. There's nothing here as iconic as “Fuck me gently with a chainsaw” but someone does threaten to stab a person with his dick.

Truthfully, what ends up making “Airheads” really work for me is, I think, its cast. Years before Brendan Fraser would be critically reevaluated as an incredibly charming matinee idol, and even before the peak of his goofy action hero stardom, he made wacky comedies like this. There's no doubt that “Airheads” makes good use of Fraser's himbo charms. From any practical perspective, Chazz is sort of a dick. He does disregard his girlfriend's feelings in favor of obsessing over his rock star dream, which definitely seems increasingly pathetic as the story goes on. Yet Fraser manages to make him more lovable than not. Chazz is definitely a doof but Fraser also gives him a vulnerable side, allowing us to warm up to him and even root for him eventually. 

“Airheads” is also notable as an off-beat starring role for Steve Buschemi. Buscemi has starred in a couple of comedies over the years but he's not usually playing a long-haired metalhead type. Yet he's good casting in the role of Rex. Buscemi, after all, has an edgy, slightly unhinged quality. When you pair that with long hair and punk fashion, it really makes Rex look like a greasy weirdo. (A fitting addition to any metal band.) The character also fits comfortably into the kind of comedic roles Buscemi usually plays: That of someone who grossly overestimates his own brilliance and frequently rushes into plans without thinking them through. It's a good use of the eccentric character actor. 

If “Airheads” is remembered for nothing else, it's for being an early role for Adam Sandler. This one was released a year before “Billy Madison” came out, taking Sandler from a popular stand-up and beloved “SNL” cast member to the biggest comedy star of the decade. And even this early in Sandler's cinematic career, his screen persona was fairly well established. Pip is utterly child-like in his personality. He talks in a stilted way, often makes bizarre leaps in logic, and is prone to mistakes. The explosive rage and inexplicable talent Sandler characters usually have is, in Pip, replaced with an mysterious popularity with the ladies. Women find Pip irresistible, which plays like another one of “Airheads'” absurd jokes. Whether you find Sandler's act charming or obnoxious is a matter of opinion but he does provide a nice counterbalance to the other characters in the film.

Sandler isn't the only adored “Saturday Night Live” cast member of the nineties to appear in “Airheads.” Chris Farley appears as one of the cops assigned to meet the Lone Rangers' ridiculous demands. Farley steals the few scenes he's in, as a nervous guy who is eager to please and prone to occasional outbursts of genius. “Airheads” actually has a surprisingly stacked supporting cast. Ernie Hudson is Farley's commanding officer, doing a good job of being a straight man to the movie's wackiness. A young David Arquette has a largely unnecessary appearance as an oddball guy in the station, who doesn't contribute anything to the story but is appreciated. Michael McKean appears as the duplicitous manager of the radio station, who is suitably whiny and square. Joe Mantegna is well utilized as the deejay, who is sympathetic to the band's scheme and gets off a couple of good one-liners.

Another way you can tell “Airheads” was made in the nineties is that it contains an extended parody of “Die Hard.” And it stars Michael Richards, back when he could've parlayed his status as Kramer into some sort of stand alone career. Richards plays an incredibly neurotic radio employee who unwittingly ends up hiding in the ventilation system of the radio station, communicating with the cops on the outside. Richards gets to enact some amusing slapstick in these sequences, hurting himself in increasingly unlikely ways as he stumbles through the vents above. He also has a line to the cops on the outside, who – in a funny gag – constantly misunderstands what he's saying. Honestly, I could imagine someone trying to expand this entire concept into its own movie. In “Airheads,” it's just one amusingly silly component of the story. 

It's hard to say a movie like “Airheads” is really about anything. This is a gleefully dumb comedy and not one to be thought about that deeply. However, a theme of sorts does emerge. At the beginning of the story, Chazz doesn't really respect his girlfriend. He prioritizes his own ambitions over her's, expecting her to do all the work while he pursues his wild dream. Similarly, a minor character in the film is a police captain who is going through a psychotically tense break-up with his wife. Ya know, maybe it's just the standards of nineties comedies aimed at teenage boys, but it definitely feels like men having issues with women is a topic rolling around in this movie's empty head. Notably, Chazz' girlfriend comes to forgive him largely because he drops his macho demeanor and not so much because he changes his behavior, so don't think the film is progressive in any way. Yet it's kind of interesting. 

And, of course, it's only fitting that “Airheads” has a pretty good soundtrack. It features some choice cuts from White Zombie, Motorhead, Dim Stars, and Primus. (Rob Zombie and Lemmy both have cameos in the movie, to boot.) While mocked throughout the film, the Lone Rangers' single actually isn't a bad vaguely hardcore style punk/metal number. Despite seemingly having a lot in its favor, “Airheads” was not successful upon release. It grossed far less than its 11 million dollar budget at the box office. Critically, it was reviled and even made a couple of Worst Of lists at the end of the year. That definitely seems like a bit of an overreaction to me. “Airheads” is goofy, kind of dumb, and light-weight as can be. Yet it's also frequently charming, has a surprisingly good cast, and made me laugh a decent number of times. This has earned the movie a small cult following, that has kept it being totally forgotten. When watched on a lazy afternoon, with no expectations, it can definitely scratch an inch for a silly comedy. [Grade: B-]

Director Report Card: John Landis (1994)

14. Beverley Hills Cop III

After starring in “Beverly Hills Cop II,” Eddie Murphy said that the concept was completely played out and, if he did a third film, it would only be for the money. Despite that assurance, the studio was determined to make another Axel Foley adventure, spending a considerable amount of the budget on various scripts before a director was even found. Even with their acrimonious relationship while making “Coming to America,” Murphy must have liked something about working with John Landis. Once again, he vouched for the guy and put him behind the camera. When “Beverly Hills Cop III” was belatedly released in theaters in 1994, Murphy's assertion that he was only in it for the money could not have been more apparent. It was another flop for Landis and Murphy, who were both experiencing downturns in their career at the time.

It's the early nineties but Axel Foley is still working as a cop in Detroit. During what should have been a standard stake-out, his boss Inspector Todd is killed by mysterious smugglers. Foley is determined to fulfill Todd's dying wish that he catches the perps. He follows the case to – where else? – Beverly Hills, California. There, he discovers the bad guys are running a counterfeiting operation out of Wonder World, a family friendly amusement park. As in past adventures, Foley teams up with the nerdy Officer Rosebloom, butts heads with the authorities, gets in lot of trouble, but somehow manages to undercover the real crooks.

The “Beverly Hills Cop” films have never been distinguished by their originality. The first one was influenced by any number of renegade cop flicks. In part one, Axel went to Beverly Hills to avenge a dead friend. In part two, he went back to Beverly Hills after an officer he befriended last time was nearly killed. Now, on the third go-around, he's on yet another mission of revenge at the behest of another fallen pal/fellow cop. This guy goes through acquaintances with almost as much frequency as Charles Bronson. Also as in the last two adventures, Foley's reasoning for going to California are ultimately unimportant. It's just another excuse to get him involved in a standard criminal plot and be a fish-out-of-water on the west coast. (Though you'd think he would be pretty familiar with Beverly Hills by this point.)

As I said, Paramount Pictures and Jerry Bruckheimer – who would eventually exit the project – spent a lot of time and money on various scripts for “Beverly Hills Cop III” before finding a premise everyone could agree on. These included several concepts that would've sent Axel to London, seemingly negating the “Beverly Hills” part of the title. Eventually, Steven E. de Souza – co-writer of some of the greatest action hits of the eighties – would pen the chosen script... And it's basically “Die Hard at Disney World,” Foley spending a lot of the movie as the sole good cop in an amusement park full of baddies. Yet even that premise is not as well utilized as you'd think. The sequel never attempts to subvert the cheeriness of its setting, in contrast with bloody action theatrics. The Walt Disney stand-in, called Uncle Dave, is never depicted as anything but a wholesome figure. You'd think John Landis, famous for sticking it to snobs in his films, would've found something more to do with this idea.

“Beverly Hills Cop III” came at kind of a weird point in Eddie Murphy's career. After becoming the biggest stand-up in the world and a hugely successful movie star in the eighties, Eddie was suffering something of a midlife crisis. He tried directing with “Harlem Nights” and it didn't work.  The previous year, he recorded a socially conscious R&B album that flopped. After this film, he would star in “Vampire in Brooklyn” and “Metro,” both of which were more violent and less comedic than his earlier movies. It seems Murphy was very determined to be taken seriously as an artist. According to John Landis, he was actively trying not to be funny in “Beverly Hills Cop III.” Axel is more pissed-off here, physically attacking way more guys. Not once does Axel attempt to con his way in to some establish club here, the trademark of the series. Murphy cracks fewer jokes and one-liners. He seems very listless, even timid.

Murphy and Landis both agreed that the script for “Beverly Hills Cop III” sucked. John hoped his leading man could make it funny but, when Murphy decided Axel couldn't crack jokes anymore, it left the director with few other options. So you can see “Beverly Hills Cop III” desperately attempting to insert comedy whenever it can. The humor frequently feels wildly out-of-place. A reappearance from Bronson Pinchot's camp gay Serge goes on far too long. He introduces a farcical machine gun into the story, which seems like something better suited to a Z.A.Z. spoof. Moments where Wonder World costumed performers cover kids' eyes or Murphy has to dance on-stage with the cartoon characters feel like sweaty attempts to wring some humor out of the situation. And sweatiness is not something you want audiences to pick up on when you're trying to make a comedy.

Because the sequel had gone so far over-budget before filming even began, the action sequences were cut way down for “Beverly Hills Cop III.” This led to more of a focus on the detective elements. This is a problem though. Axel Foley isn't Sherlock Holmes. His smart-ass ability to sneak into situations was his greatest strength but, as I said, Murphy was determined to downplay that. So, instead of sleuthing, he just badgers witnesses and then punches them. This really does little besides emphasize Murphy's sudden desire to be taken seriously as a tough guy. Murphy doesn't have the physical prowess of Wesley Snipes or the intensity of Denzel Washington. Stripped of his smart-ass wit, he just comes off as a bully.

John Landis isn't exactly an experienced action director either. An early car chase sequence operates fairly well, perhaps because of Landis' “Blues Brothers” experience. However, many of the other action scenes have the same weirdly mean-spirited quality we saw in “Into the Night.” During the climax, there's far too much focus on people being hurt while getting gunned down. Many of the film's other attempts to incorporate the action element into the theme park come off as inept. A scene devoted to Foley rescuing two kids from a malfunctioning Ferris Wheel ride is so incredibly awkwardly framed. Never once do you believe Murphy, who seems totally bored in this moment, is actually dangling hundreds of feet above concrete.

The best moments in “Beverly Hills Cop III” tend to utilize the theme park setting in a more direct way. During the last act, Axel is led through a chase through Wonder World at night, pursued by a limitless supply of goons. A few times, he actually utilizes the park attractions to help himself out. Such as when an alien invasion show – obviously the “Earthquake!” ride at Universal Studios with some “Battlestar Galactia” Cylons wandering around it – ends up helping him crush a few guys. An even more extended foot chase takes place through a dinosaur-themed dark ride – actually “Kingdom of the Dinosaurs” at Knott's Berry Farm – is probably my favorite sequence in the film. If only because the contrast of a kiddie ride with cop movie violence is interesting, the silently moving attractions provide some mildly spooky ambiance, and that I like kitschy dinosaur attractions like that.

“Beverly Hills Cop III” was obviously John Landis operating in work-for-hire mode. However, you can see him trying to insert a few of his trademark into the otherwise desperate material. Yes, he includes many of his director or film culture friends in bit parts. Watch out for cameos from Joe Dante, Ray Harryhausen, Forest Ackerman, Al Green, Peter Medak, Arthur Hiller, and John Singleton. Most amusingly, George Lucas appears as a disgruntled park-goer. What makes this most feel like a Landis movie is the numerous call-outs to classic animation in the park setting. The director even got the Sherman Brothers to write an “It's a Small World After All” style song.

Another indication that “Beverly Hills Cop III” is a truly unnecessary continuation of the series is the lack of appearances from established favorites of the series. Of Foley's usual supporting cast, only Judge Reinhold returns as Sgt. Rosewood. While Reinhold does his best to get some goofy physical comedy out of the part, he's also saddled with some of the film's worst gags. Otherwise, it's all new faces. Most obviously, Hector Elizondo is awkwardly inserted as a replacement for John Ashton's Sgt. Taggart, whose absence is explained by saying he retired. Ronny Cox's Chief Bogomil, so important to part two's plot, doesn't even get that much. Both characters were included in earlier drafts but the actors had to pass after pre-production dragged on. (And also because the script sucked.) This lack of trademark characters makes part three feel disconnected from the other films, which is further emphasized by the lack of Harold Faltermeyer's trademark theme. Instead, we are greeted to a trip-hop version of “Axel F.,” presumably because it was 1994.

As for the new additions, few make much of an impression. Theresa Randle appears as a love interest for Foley. The two characters have almost no connection and her romantic attraction to him is inexplicable. Timothy Carhart plays the film primary villain, a smarmy weasel that continues the series' tradition of weak and forgettable antagonists. Slightly better is John Saxon, as the scheming head of Wonder World, if only because the late, great Mr. Saxon could bring dignity and depth to any role. Stephen McHattie – about twenty years younger than I'm used to seeing him but immediately recognizable nevertheless – also shows up as a Secret Service agent, being one of the better foils Axel has in this film.

The stink of failure is all over “Beverly Hills Cop III” and audiences could smell it. Despite the first two being widely beloved, the third entry failed to outgross its budget. (At the domestic box office anyway. It did slightly better overseas.) Critics were merciless. Murphy himself has been all too open about bashing the movie over the years, somewhat hypocritically since it sounds like he played a big role in its creative failure. The sequel was so bad that it actually made Murphy want to return to the role of Axel Foley, to give him a proper send-off. “Beverly Hills Cop IV” has been in-and-out of development for two decades now. It mutated into a TV show before changing back into a movie. Even though I see no demand for it, the Netflix sequel was actually just about ready to start production before the pandemic shut everything down. Until then, this abject failure of a continuation is the final appearance of Eddie Murphy's most iconic character. ”Beverly Hills Cop III” suffers deeply from a disinterested leading man, a bland script, and a listless execution. [Grade: D]

JCVD-A-THON: Derailed (2002)

As I mentioned at the start of this marathon, I've been a guest on the delightfully specific Jean-Pod Van Damme podcast a few times. That show's host, Marcus, is a Van Damme enthusiast and expert. He probably has something good to say about every one of the star's features... Except “Derailed.” He considers “Derailed” the absolute low-point of Van Damme's career and, by far, his worst film. Going into “Derailed,” I was wondering if the film really could be that bad. I was not misled. “Derailed” is easily the worst movie Jean-Claude Van Damme has ever starred in. It might be one of the worst movies I've ever seen, period.

“Derailed's” plot doesn't make much sense but I'll try and untangle it the best I can. Galina Konstantin is a circus performer turned international thief. She has stolen a vile of biological weapons from the Slovakian government. Jacques Kristoff, an intentional agent of some sort, is sent to capture Konstantin. Once he grabs her, the two are sent home, via train. A group of terrorists board the train, with the intention of stealing the bio-weapon for their own means. That sounds simple enough, being yet another variation on the “Die Hard” formula. “Derailed” complicates matters but releasing some of the contagion, infecting the passengers with small pox. There's something about the government planning to bomb the train, one of Jacques' partners being aligned with the terrorists, and other bullshit added to an overcrowded stew.

When it comes to low budget action movies, I keep my expectations measured. At the very least, the action scenes should be easy to follow. “Derailed” does not accomplish this seemingly simple goal. In fact, the action is utterly incompetent in its construction and execution. In several scenes, the fights are so frenziedly edited that you can barely understand what's happening. At one point, Van Damme is wrestling with a bad guy in a hallway, the position of the characters moving suddenly from shot to shot. Another scene, hampered by some truly atrocious green screen effects, has our hero riding a motorcycle over the train... At apparently the same speed as somebody standing on the opposite side of the car? Another moment, before Van Damme performs a spinning body-slam, jerks forward in time without explanation. This is Jean-Claude Van Damme we're working with, a man who knows how to perform impressive action. “Derailed” is so chopped and scattered that his work becomes impossible to appreciate.

“Derailed” isn't just incoherent directed but also deeply tacky. Director Bob Misiorowski was a regular of Nu Image/Millennium Pictures' productions, with his most notable previous credit being “Shark Attack.” His attempts to spruce up “Derailed” are misguided. Misiorowski employs slow motion for the most random bullshit. Van Damme seemingly poking an enemy into slumber is emphasized with slow-mo. One scene is portrayed in split-screen. There's no point to this, as putting two chaotic fight scenes next to each makes both hard to follow. Another sequence features still images flashing on-screen, while Van Damme dangles from the train. Other scenes are highlighted by image blurring. Did I mention the Howie Scream also puts in a pointless appearance? When “Derailed” isn't using garish tricks like this, he indulges in some truly godawful CGI. An early car crash blossoms into a ridiculously overdone explosion. Later, two CGI trains crash into each other in a way that makes zero sense. Its baffling in its badness.

It's clear that Jean-Claude Van Damme isn't especially proud of “Derailed.” Throughout the film, his expressions vary between bored and irritated. In another blatant attempt to emulate “Die Hard,” Jacques' wife and kids are on the train. Van Damme's real life son, Kristopher, plays his son here. The only time Jean-Claude comes to life throughout “Derailed” is when he's practicing roundhouse kicks with his boy. Otherwise, the film's supporting cast is disheartening. Laura Harring appears as the thief/acrobat. Harring shows none of the talent she displayed in “Mulholland Dr.,” instead giving a garish and obnoxious performance. Susan Gibney is bitchy as Jacques' wife. The hostages include a cowboy, an Australian, and a concert violinist, each one broad stereotypes. Even the bad guy, played by a baffled Tomas Arana, seems pretty bored.

“Derailed” too perfectly sums up the kind of schlock Nu Image/Millennium Productions specialized in at the time. The mixture of shitty CGI, derivative writing, and incoherent action were standard practice at the company. Even by these low standards, the film finds new ways to baffle the viewer with its incompetence. “Derailed” might've become enjoyably bad – one of Van Damme's foes attacks him with a fork – if it wasn't incredibly boring. By the last half-hour, I had completely lost the ability to care or understand anything that was happening in this movie. The film is garbage of the highest degree and it's a bummer that Van Damme had to star in it. [2/10]

[THE VAN DAMMAGE: 3 outta 5]
[] An Entire Fight, Sans Shirt
[X] Close-Up Screaming
[] Dancing
[X] Jump-Kicks A Guy, Through Something
[X] Performs Either a Split or a Spinning Roundhouse Kick

JCVD-A-THON: Enemies Closer (2013)

After two successful collaborations with his son, Jean-Claude Van Damme would re-team with Peter Hyams for the first time since “Sudden Death.” The elder Hyams’ days as a top action director was long behind him. His previous films where “Beyond a Reason Doubt” and “A Sound of Thunder,” both flops. Maybe Peter was hoping on riding Van Damme’s newly renewed cult popularity to some success of his own? “Enemies Closer” went direct-to-video in most of the world. However, the reviews were decent and the film provided the action icon with another latter-day chance to show off his still sharp skills.

Henry is a former marine now working as a park ranger on a forested island between the U.S. and Canadian border. His relatively quiet existence, and a chance at romance with a pretty female camper, is interrupted by two events on the same night. First, a man named Clay marches into his cabin. Clay’s brother was part of Henry’s military squad in the Middle East. Blaming Henry for his brother’s death, Clay is determined to take revenge. Meanwhile, a vicious drug cartel, led by a French-Canadian militant vegan, lands on the island to retrieve a lost shipment of heroin. Inevitably, the villains take aim at Henry and Clay, forcing the two sworn enemies to work together if they hope to survive.

Disappointingly, Van Damme is not the main character of “Enemies Closer.” However, he’s absolutely the main reason to see it. With a wreath of wild hair atop his leathery head, Jean-Claude enters the film in full Canadian Mountie regalia. That’s just the first of several delightfully kooky elements the script provides Van Damme with. Named Xander, the bad guy is a murderous vegan. He bemoans cow farts contributing to green house gases and the effects of gasoline on the environment. One of “Enemies Closer’s” best moments is a monologue from Van Damme. He details a traumatic childhood memory, where a beloved pet goose wound up as foie gras, that led him to both veganism and murder. The film is happy to note Xander’s devotion to animal life but his disregard for human life. Van Damme exits the film cackling wildly. He joyously hams it up all throughout “Enemies Closer,” gesticulating with a quirky body language. It’s the kind of happily ridiculous JCVD performance I’ve been waiting to see for a while now.

Van Damme is highly entertaining but what about the film’s actual heroes? “Enemies Closer” isn’t quite a “Die Hard” rip-off, as the terrorists invading a limited location are aware of the everyman-turned-action-hero from the beginning. Tom Everett Scott’s Henry is no John McClane either. Scott’s easy going nature are well suited to the early scenes of him patrolling the park. Once the action breaks out, Scott seems weirdly out of his element. Orlando “7 Up Yours!” Jones plays Clay. Jones’ character arc is entirely routine. He starts out as a man with nothing to loose, blaming a stranger for the death of his brother. Naturally, Clay and Henry overcome their differences before the end. Neither Scott nor Jones are bad actors. Yet neither character, especially compared to Van Damme’s kooky bad guy, hold the audience’s attention very well.

“Enemies Closer’s” goals as an action flick are decidedly modest. Do not go in expecting the brutal combat and explicit violence of the later “Universal Soldier” sequels. Hyams takes a few cues from his son’s films, as “Enemies Closer” features some diverting MMA-style tumbles and tosses. Unsurprisingly, the best action beats belong to Van Damme. Early on, he cracks a CD in half and slices an opponent up with the sharp edges. He tosses guys over shoulder, climbs storage lockers, and turns a keyboard into a deadly weapon. Later in the film, he stabs some guys with a random stick. There’s a convincing fall out of a tree and at least one big explosion. The gun play – which is mostly what Scott and Jones do – is not particularly memorable. At the very least, Hyams’ direction is moody, as the island’s forest is characterized by smoky shadows.

“Enemies Closer” is unambitious but that’s kind of okay. Running only 85 minutes, it’s clear the film was intended to be nothing more then a mildly amusing action-packed snack. The plot is nothing special and the heroes are unremarkable. Truthfully, it’s all worth it to see Jean-Claude Van Damme decimate the scenery as a homicidal animal activist. If the movie had just tossed the routine story out and focused on Van Damme’s lovably nutty character, it could’ve been an instant cult classic. As it is, “Enemies Closer” is a good time while it’s on and certainly succeeds at its humble goals. [7/10]

[THE VAN DAMMAGE: 2 outta 5]
[] An Entire Fight, Sans Shirt
[X] Close-Up Screaming
[] Dancing
[X] Jump-Kicks A Guy, Through Something
[] Performs Either a Split or a Spinning Roundhouse Kick

Jean-Claude Van Damme has happily taken advantage his renewed cult status and recent meme-dom. That upcoming "Kickboxer" remake remains his highest profile project in years and should be heading to theaters later this year. Van Damme is so excited about it that work has already begun on a sequel. Meanwhile, the Muscles from Brussels will also be soon starring in a hilarious sounding Amazon series, which sounds like a kookier series-length take on "JCVD." You can bet I'll be seeking out both projects.

It's doubtful Van Damme will ever regain the level of fame he attained in the nineties. Despite that, his career has continued to evolve in fascinating directions, as the most compellingly eccentric of the classic action stars continues to be a pop culture figure not quite like any other. This marathon has been blast. I'll go ahead and announce that "JCVD-A-THON: The Return" is already on the docket for next year. Until then, Film Thoughts has a lot of other stuff planned. Stay tuned and keep kickin'.

JCVD-A-THON: Sudden Death (1995)

In the last two months of 1994, Jean-Claude Van Damme had back-to-back sizable hits. “Timecop” became the highest grossing film of his career. Critics had plenty of negative things to say about “Street Fighter” but it too made money, especially overseas. Van Damme had finally made it to the A-list. Yet the Belgian action star’s reign atop the box office would be short-lived. “Sudden Death,” his 1995 action opus, would disappoint domestically despite a strong international showing. A further series of flops and a slew of personal problems – including a notorious 10,000 dollar a week cocaine addiction – would see Van Damme’s star burn out quickly. In other words, “Sudden Death” is the last good Jean-Claude Van Damme movie we would get for a while.

Darren McCord is a disgraced fire fighter, blaming himself for being unable to rescue a little girl inside a collapsing building. A year later, his marriage has dissolved despite the deep love he has for his two kids, Emily and Tyler. Now Darren is working as the fire marshal at the Pittsburgh Civic Arena. It’s the night of the big game, the Stanley Cup Finals between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Chicago Blackhawks. The game is such a big deal that the Vice President is in attendance. A group of thieves are aware of this too. They take the Vice President hostage during the game. At the end of every round, they will murder someone unless their price is paid. If their demands aren’t met by the end of the game, they will blow up the entire arena. When Darren’s daughter is taken hostage, he becomes involved, taking down the bad guys while a hockey game rages overhead.

Seven years after John McClane first leaped off the roof of Nakatomi Plaza, people were still making “Die Hard” rip-offs. This is how it was in the nineties, when half of the action tent poles were some variation on the “Die Hard” formula. “Sudden Death” can accurately be described as “Die Hard in a Hockey Arena.” The similarities are clear. A team of high-tech thieves, led by an unhinged by charismatic madman, take a location hostage, rigging the place with explosives and demanding money. A lone man inside the building, the bad guys unaware of his presence at first, has to save the day. The weirdest part about “Sudden Death” is that it was co-produced by Howard Baldwin, chairman of the Pittsburgh Penguins. Building a brutally violent action film around your sports team seems like an odd form of cross-brand promotion. Then again, “Sudden Death” portrays the hockey game as so compelling, the audience doesn’t notice the multiple explosions and gun fights happening in and around the arena.

In “Timecop,” Van Damme played a parent for the first time. He returns to this territory in “Sudden Death,” playing a sensitive variation on his action persona. McCord has to directly rescue his two kids. We don’t see him reconcile with his ex-wife but the implication seems to be that, by saving his children, Darren earns her approval again. Earlier in the movie, Emily teaches McCord the sign language for “I love you.” Later, after making a game-changing save on the ice, Darren does this signal to his boy. In the last act, he has to save his little girl from the big bad guy. His love for his kids is what directly motivates Van Damme. While there’s no manly tears, “Sudden Death” still features the hero hugging and kissing his children. Keeping with the “Die Hard” formula, Van Damme’s hero is more vulnerable then his previous parts. He still high kicks his way out of trouble but the character has to think on his feet, frequently stumbling in and out of trouble.

“Sudden Death” is undeniably a Van Damme movie, even if it’s fairly low on the star’s trademarks. (I’m sad to report a lack of screaming and upper nudity.) Yet the villain nearly runs away with the game. Powers Boothe can always be counted on to deliver an intense performance. In “Sudden Death,” Powers plays Joshua Foss. Boothe is theatrical in his derangement. He wears a nice suit, an expensive watch, and sips on a fancy wine. Boothe happily reads off a long list of demands, delivering each line with evil relish. It says a lot that threatening to fill a little girl’s mouth full of spiders is only the second or third most ridiculous act of comic book supervillainy he performs. There are other solid supporting parts in “Sudden Death,” such as Dorian Harewood as the appropriately sinister dirty Secret Service agent or Michael Gaston as Foss’ relaxed computer hacker. Yet the Powers That Be overshadows all of them.

The action sequences in “Sudden Death” range from tensely effective to hilariously goofy. Sometimes simultaneously! When Darren’s scaling the arena’s dome, trying not to fall, that’s intense. When a bad guy goes sliding down the structure in a protracted manner, that’s funny. The violence in “Sudden Death” can be brutal. When people are machine gunned, it’s extra bloody. In one scene, Van Damme punches a hole in a hand with some sort of polishing device. He tortures a villain with steam from an open stove. Even when being vicious, “Sudden Death” is kind of funny. Such as when he sets a guy on fire with a child’s squirt gun. The action highlight in the film is not the climatic sight of a helicopter crashing against the ice, though that is pretty cool. Instead, it’s the first fight in the movie. One of the villain’s assassins disguises herself as Iceburgh, the Penguins’ mascot. Van Damme and the mascot ramble in the kitchen. Hands are shoved in hot oil, faces hover above open grills, and paprika is tossed into eyes. Despite the seriousness of the situation, Van Damme chopping a mascot’s head off in a vent fan makes the sequence as funny as it is exciting.

Peter Hyams directed “Sudden Death,” re-teaming with JCVD after “Timecop.” The second collaboration is slightly better then their first, as it balances the action and the sentimentality more smoothly. Mostly, “Sudden Death” can be recommended for its mascot assisted homicide and Powers Boothe’s outrageous performance. If one was to rank the various “Die Hard” rip-offs, this would rank far below “Speed” and “Air Force One” but far above the “Under Siege” series. As far as nineties era Van Damme flicks go, it’s pretty good. [7/10]

[THE VAN DAMMAGE: 2 outta 5]
[] An Entire Fight, Sans Shirt
[] Close-Up Screaming
[] Dancing
[X] Jump-Kicks A Guy, Through Something
[X] Performs Either a Split or a Spinning Roundhouse Kick

Bangers n' Mash 82: Die Hard on a Podcast

If you recall my John McTiernan Director's Report Card last month, and the accompanying "Die Hard" retrospect, you probably could've guessed that this would be coming next. The action-centric episode of the podcast never do as well as the horror/sci-fi centric ones but I genuinely enjoy talking about the genre. In addition to discussing the five films in the "Die Hard" series, we also devote a lightning round to the various rip-offs and would-be successors, the ever-popular "Die Hard on an X" movie. Give it a listen or I'll toss you off the Nakatomi Plaza. 

Recent Watches: Die Hard 2 (1990)

A movie as successful and well received as “Die Hard” was always likely to spawn a sequel. 20th Century Fox seemingly planned the film as a franchise-launcher from the get-go. The box office receipts from the first film mustn’t have cooled too long. Production on the sequel rolled along quickly. Not quite two years later, “Die Hard 2” exploded into theaters. Director Renny Harlin had previously helmed flashy, low budget genre fare like “Prison” and “A Nightmare on Elm Street 4.” Harlin’s abilities to deliver the goods on-time and under budget, without sacrificing the crowd-pleasing theatrics, surely made him an attractive filmmaker to the studio. Released with a tagline that most assumed to be a pitch perfect subtitle, “Die Harder” was actually a bigger hit than the original. John McClane would die hard for years to come.

A year after the Nakatomi Tower incident, John McClane finds himself traveling to the east coast during Christmas time. Holly, their romance renewed, have plans to meet at an airport near the nation’s capital. Once again, John McClane is in the wrong place at the wrong time. A plot by rogue soldiers to intercept a flight carrying a Central American warlord unfolds inside the airport. The terrorists strand the planes in the sky above the landing strip, holding them hostage until the government ensures the banana dictator’s freedom. McClane is the monkey in the wrench a second time, doing what he can to foil the villains’ plot.

“Die Hard 2” is boldly derivative of the first movie. Two years in a row, John McClane is trapped in an isolated location beset by a terrorist faction. Holly is held hostage, imperiled by the bad guys. It’s even Christmas again. What are the odds that he’d wind up in more-or-less the same situation twice in his life? John even comments on the absurdity of history repeating itself. “Die Hard’s” own sequel is as shameless about ripping off the original as the countless rip-offs were. For as closely as part two copies the first, the script is nowhere near as smooth. The original “Die Hard” had a plot hole or logic gap or two. The sequel hinges on the ridiculous assumption that an airplane would circle in the sky around the airport until it ran out of fuel, crashing and burning. Wouldn’t an emergency landing be performed, even in treacherous weather or without a clear landing pad? Better yet, why didn’t the plane just fly to any of the other near-by airports? Nitpicking logic in an action sequel is a dog’s errand but “Die Harder” can’t help but ring the audience’s bell, drawing attention to its own flaws.

Something that defined the original “Die Hard” was how much damn punishment Bruce Willis suffered. “Die Harder” is less willing to bloody McClane’s body. He doesn’t even bleed until the very end. He’s hardly superhuman though. Both films begin by contemplating McClane’s humanity. In one, he’s airsick on a plane. In two, the first scene shows his car getting towed. John has plenty of close calls. In one scene, he’s pinned beneath a falling awning, reaching for a gun slowly approaching on an escalator. A little later, he pokes his head out on a runway, the wheels of an airplane nearly touching down atop his head. John is still flying by the seat of his pants, frequently improvising an escape or a way to dispatch an enemy. More importantly, Bruce Willis is still great in the part. When flirting with a desk secretary or chatting with Al over the phone, he still shows incredible charm. His way with a one-liner might have actually improved, such as bits about a lack of chlorine or a perfectly deployed yippee-ka-yay. The plot may be blatantly imitative but watching Bruce do his thing still offers plenty of entertainment value.

Renny Harlin is not as good a filmmaker as John McTiernan. McTiernan’s fast-paced camera work is traded out for melodramatic slow motion. Renny really likes guys falling backwards through things, flipping through their death throes. While “Die Hard” alternated between explosive action and down-to-Earth beatings, “Die Harder” focuses exclusively on shit blowing up. I’m not complaining, necessarily. The first action beat, inside the baggage claims back room, makes good use of tight corners and mangled machinery. A shoot-out among scaffolding is well executed, with some John Woo-esque diving, shooting, and flailing bodies. The biggest set piece involves Bruce riding an injector seat out of a plane as it explodes beneath him. No doubt that’s fun, generating some okay tension. A snow mobile chase also nicely shows how McClane improvises his way out of trouble, involving a slushy lake and some more booms. It’s all solidly amusing. However, one sequence, where a plane full of innocents crashes and burns, is far too mean spirited. There’s a big difference between one or two bystanders dying and an entire plane of passengers bursting into flames. Kind of brings the mood down.

“Die Hard 2” trails behind the original in another way too. The sequel doesn’t even attempt to create a villain as cool as Hans Gruber. William Sadler and Franco Nero aren’t push overs. I mean, one’s the Grim Reaper and the other’s Django. Sadler is scary as psychotically committed mercenary. Nero, meanwhile, coolly executes those that get in his way, operating like a serious villain. Neither have the style, humor, or personality of Gruber though. Truthfully, the script’s disinterest in defining them any more makes them slightly boring. A twist involving another group’s loyalties is easy to guess. There’s still some fun to be had in the supporting parts. Dennis Franz is delightfully obnoxious, playing off his established image, as the man that inconveniences John’s quest. William Atherton returns as Richard “Dick” Thornburg, who is even more of a delightful asshole. Bonnie Bedelia certainly gets more to do as Holly, this time.

If “Die Hard 2” was a stand alone action flick, it would easily hit the spot. It was even conceived that way, starting out as an adaptation of the unrelated novel, “58 Minutes.” The sequel has a cool hero, some entertaining set pieces, plenty of humor, and moves at a nice clip. As a sequel to one of best action movies of all time, it can’t help but pale in contrast. It’s not as taunt, exciting, fun, or clever as the first. Hewing so closely to the original’s formula was a mistake as well, making comparisons unavoidable. Yet you can’t judge a film for what it’s not. Try not to think about “Die Hard 1” too much and the sequel will certainly amuse. [7/10]

THE SYLVESTER SEMESTER: Cliffhanger (1993)

Two trends that characterized blockbuster cinema in the nineties was a mid-decade revival of the disaster movie and the “Die Hard on an X” story type. The latter, where terrorists or criminals hold an isolated location hostage while a single hero fights back, was especially prevalent in the action movies of the time. Some times Hollywood’s thinking is sound. When two separate ideas make money, a combination of those ideas will make even more. “Cliffhanger” is essentially “Die Hard” on a mountain during an avalanche. It began life as “Gale Force,” which was “Die Hard’ in a coast town during a hurricane. Furthering the connection, “Die Hard 2” director Renny Harlin helmed the project. Instead of Bruce Willis, an even sturdier action icon was drafted to star: Sylvester Stallone. “Cliffhanger” would become the last huge hit Sly would have for a while, grossing 232 million in 1993 dollars. The movie was even popular enough to be referenced in another Forgotbuster, 1995’s “Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls.”

Mountain climbing expert Gabe Walker fails to rescue his best friend’s girlfriend during a climbing accident. Her death affects him greatly. Eight months later, a gang of criminals hi-jack a federal reserves plane. The mission goes wrong and three suitcases full of millions of dollars are lost among the Rocky Mountains. The crooks wind up taking Gabe’s friends hostage while they search the mountains for the loot. Gabe has to breach the avalanche-stricken peaks in order to rescue his friends and stop the bad guys.

In a world where “Gridlock” and “Skyscraper” exists, “Cliffhanger” is far from the most blatant “Die Hard” rip-off. By taking the story entirely out of a fixed location, it avoids many comparisons with the iconic flick. However, a few are unavoidable. The lone hero sneaking around, picking off the gang of bad guys one-by-one definitely brings John McClane’s adventures to mind. At least the movie forgoes the villainous robbers pretending to be anything but villainous robbers. What distinguishes “Cliffhanger” is its unique location. The many sweeping views of the mountains are gorgeous. It also provides a sense of genuineness and danger. When you have real people dangling from great heights, the severity of the situation is imposed on the audience. The avalanches adds an interesting angle to the film as well. The constant threat of the heroes and villains alike being buried in snow makes the movie stand apart from similar action flicks.

What also distinguished “Cliffhanger” is, of course, Stallone. Gabe Walker is a Type 1 Stallone hero, closer to Rocky Balboa or Deke DeSilvo then Marion Cobretti or Ray Tango. The opening death weighs heavily on Gabe’s conscious. His guilt ostracizes him from his friends. His confidence in his abilities as a climber are shaken. At the beginning, he’s crossing huge gaps while laughing and joking. Afterwards, Sly is grim and depressed throughout most of the film. He’s more vulnerable, which is shown in the scene where a henchman kicks the shit out of him. Throughout the film, Gabe recovers his strengths and heals his relationship with his friends. By the end, he’s even kicking the baddies in the face and quipping one-liners. Though the part is not exactly nuanced, it allows Sly to stretch his acting skills as well as his biceps.

Helping matters is an above average supporting cast. On a writing level, there’s nothing especially deep about the bad guys. However, some eccentric performances make them memorable. John Lithgow is in “Raising Cain”-psychopath mode as Qualen. Lithgow’s ridiculous British accent slips in and out of existence but he remains intimidating throughout. Rex Lin foams at the mouth while the singularly named Leon glares crazily as two of Qualen’s flunkies. Playing Sly’s love interest is the adorable Janine Turner, who proves useful but still gets captured at the end. Michael Rooker brings some huskiness to a thankless part. The movie even sneaks in reliable character actors Paul Winfield and Bruce McGill in tiny bit parts.

Renny Harlin is not exactly a genre genius but he has a certain likable style. The action remains at a fairly over-the-top level throughout. Within its opening minutes, a guy dives between two airplanes, for example. There’s more then a few dramatic dives between cliffs. Sly rides a guy down a mountain slope, scourging his face. One of the best action beats occur when, after getting kick around by a baddie, Stallone bench-presses him into a stalactite. The movie’s level of violence proves that R-rated tent poles still existed in 1993. Machine gun fire usually results in bloody squibs. Sly later blows holes in a guy with an illogical bolt gun. A final scuffle atop a floundering helicopter is nicely visceral. It’s worth seeing just for the unlikely sight of Dick Solomon putting John Rambo in a stranglehold.

“Cliffhanger” is a decent bit of action movie popcorn, nothing more and nothing less. The characters get the job done without being super unique. The story is strictly stock-parts. The action is bloody and creative while the direction is stylish and exciting. The score is also pretty good. Despite countless cable showings, the movie is far from a classic. The recent announcement of a remake was honestly baffling. It’s not like “Cliffhanger” holds much cultural cache. Nevertheless, it’s a fun Stallone vehicle and action thriller. [7/10]

[THE STALLOWNAGE OF SLY: 4 outta 5]
[] Frank Stallone or Frank Stallone-esque Inspirational Music
[X] Incapacitates or Kills Someone With His Body
[X] Shows Off Buffness
[X] Social Outcast [Traumatized Mountain Climber]
[X] Sweaty, Veiny Yelling