Last of the Monster Kids

Last of the Monster Kids
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Friday, September 4, 2026

Halloween 2026: September 4th

 
1938 would see the publication of "Who Goes There?" by John W. Campbell. It is a tale of an isolated Antarctic research team uncovering and unleashing a shapeshifting alien threat, that fully assimilates and then perfectly imitates any living being. Campbell seemingly invented a new type of monster, an ever-shifting and totally insidious invader that is so alien to human form and thought that it can only be called a thing. The literary thing first appears as a blue-haired, telepathic beastie with three glowing eyes before assuming a litany of other forms, via grotesque mutations of the flesh. Such a creature was beyond the special effects capabilities of the film world for many years. In 1951, Christopher Nyby and Howard Hawks would turn the amorphous thing into a seven foot tall vegetable-man in a medical jumpsuit with a Frankensteinian flat head, spikes sprouting from its knuckles, and a taste for human blood. A far looser, unofficial adaptation in 1971 made it into a psychic virus initially housed in the body of a red-eyed sasquatch. 

A few years after that, Universal began to develop a new cinematic take. Tobe Hooper's idea, set on a submarine with a non-shapeshifting thing, was discarded. Other notable names briefly linked to the project were Sam Peckinpah, Walter Hill, Michael Ritchie, John Landis, Deric Washburn, Nigel Kneale, and Richard Matheson. John Carpenter was approached early on but, as a big Howard Hawks admirer, was reluctant to commit. After reading the source material and teaming with writer Bill Lancaster, Carpenter's "Thing" would begin to take shape. By then it was the early eighties and creature effects in Hollywood were about to undergo a major renaissance. Monster makers like Baker, Winston, and Bottin were redefining what could be done with rubber, latex, inflating bladders, and robotic puppets. Bottin's achievements on "The Thing" stands as a major landmark of this time, Campbell's shapeless monster finally being realized as a cinematic nightmare.

Lancester's script would maintain the general outline of Campbell's story. Most of the adaptational changes made are of a strictly practical reason: 12 men stationed at Antarctic Outpost 31, rather than the novel's thirty. The Thing is no longer telepathic and its base form is never revealed. The biggest difference is that the research crew led by R.J. MacReady no longer discovers the alien life form. Instead, the near-by Norwegian camp uncovers the thing, their excavation of the flying saucer glimpsed as a proto-found footage movie on their monitor. While 1951's “Thing from Another World” played up on atomic era fears of strange threats coming from the sky as much as any fifties sci-fi movie, this change re-contextualizes the story in a global context. America never had nuclear tensions with Norway but the barrier of another language characterizes the early eighties setting. As Mac says, “Nobody trusts each other now and we are all very tired.” Anybody possibly being the Thing speaks to Cold War paranoia about the possibility of anyone being an enemy spy or government spook. This anxiety runs so deep that those taken over by the extraterrestrial threat aren't even aware of it. Imagine that: Your neighbor or sibling or yourself being an agent and not knowing it. 

Another element taken directly from the source is the understanding that, should the Thing escape the frozen continent, the consequences would be massive and immediate. This is the first film in Carpenter's informal Apocalypse Trilogy for good reason, the alien threat liable to consume all of humanity within months. As the film progresses, the characters increasingly face the possibility that none of them can survive this ordeal. For the betterment of mankind, to ensure that the Thing never escapes, they'll all have to perish. The much discussed and often referenced final scene isn't only a statement on the film's theme of distrust. In the context of the Cold War, MacReady and Childs agreeing to wait for a little while and see what happens – an admission that they'll both freeze to death before either concedes defeat – reads like a metaphorical Mutually Assured Destruction. It speaks to an international mood of apocalyptic paranoia, where it doesn't matter if you survive so long as the other guy doesn't win.

As pertinent to 1981 as the film's ideas were, “The Thing” endures because its themes are also timeless. The Berlin Wall fell a long time ago but the American Century of Global Anxiety is never ending, meaning an inability to distrust your fellow countrymen is as relevant as ever. Other signifiers root the film to the eighties decade. The way the guys are constantly drinking alcohol or smoking weed hearkens to a post-Vietnam era of national burnout. Blair is left alone in a cabin with just a flask of booze, a quiet agreement among the men that there's nothing left to believe in but the next high or bender. The year of “The Thing's” release also saw the first documented case of HIV, meaning it definitely wasn't on anyone's mind during production. Nevertheless, a sequence of protracted suspense around the purity of blood inevitably brings it to mind. Like that other great eighties remake of a fifties monster movie, Carpenter was speaking to a more generalized fear of bodily uncertainty that unknowingly spoke to the pandemic of the day. All of us are at the mercy of bodies and minds that will fail, will decay, and will turn on us. The explosive eruption of the Thing from its humanoid disguises are like out-of-control tumorous growths for a reason.

But let's go down the “Thing as AIDS metaphor” trail a little further. Because it gives me an excuse to talk about one of my favorite things: Homoerotic subtext in eighties hyper-masculine media! Like the second thing everybody notices about this movie is that there are no women in it. That trivia usually accompanies a mention of the sole female performer in the entire film, Adrienne Barbeau as the voice of MacReady's chess playing computer in his introductory scene. Which he then calls a "cheating bitch" and murders by pouring whiskey into its processors. So right away, this environment is hostile to any feminine essence. A repeated indicator of the Thing's presence is torn-up long johns, stained with bodily fluid. The discovery of which precedes further paranoia and infighting among the men. In the finale, the assimilated Blair murders Gary by shoving his fingers into his mouth and fusing with his face. Death via oral fisting. The blood test scene is a long build-up of men in a cramped room, groaning and ejecting more genetic material, that ends in an orgasmic frenzy of bodily expulsion. Including the Thing unfurling a tongue and pulling its reluctant victim towards its mouth. While the alien's motives are totally inscrutable, the repeated mention of assimilation suggests an abandonment of rugged individuality and an embracing of togetherness. The Thing just wants to bring these boys together but they are too closeted, even the kind of swishy roller skating Nauls, to allow it. It's certainly a reach to read "The Thing" as a story of a bunch of guys so afraid of being vulnerable, open, penetrable, that the last two men standing would rather freeze to death than cuddle. But I think something like these ideas are definitely buried in the twisted flesh, under the permafrost. 

Ultimately, I think that's what “The Thing” is truly getting at: A sense of isolation, from the rest of the world, from other people, from our own bodies. This is cooked into every element of the film. The opening effects shot, of the flying saucer careening towards Earth, takes place in the desolation of outer space. Not that the endless white of ice and snow on this planet is anymore hospitable. The soundtrack of pulsating, distant synth emphasizes this chilly, empty landscape. Carpenter's direction is tight and quiet. He often fades to black at the end of some scenes, furthering the impression that all of this is being watched by a dispassionate God. This is combined with those trademark Dean Cundy tracking shots, smoothly sailing through the hallways as people rush around in panics. The two techniques combine to accurately reflect what the characters must be feeling. A mixture of unending and freezing boredom that is broken up by sudden, raw panic. 

Notoriously, upon its original release, many critics were dismissive of “The Thing.” A common criticism was that the film was overly reliant upon its gory special effects, that these were somehow poor excuses for shock and scares. That truly undersells the power of the film's effects work. Rob Bottin was overworked, leading a bigger team than he had before, and apparently sleeping sporadically. When he would dream, it was often of creature designs, which he then incorporated into the film. This is evident, as the sheer visceral intensity of “The Thing's” effects pushes into the nightmarish immediately. It's sinew and flesh, bone and meat of unidentifiable origin but clearly pulsating and alive, twisted up in itself and coming right at the viewer. The film is edited so tightly that these sudden intrusions of hellish mutation function better than any well engineered jump scare could. The defibrillator scene is a great example, the circumstances shifting suddenly, violently from the sane and rational to the inexplicable. Even when the seams do show, a hand puppet here, a stiff movement there, it only adds to the surreal feeling of what is captured on-screen. 

In other words, if “The Thing” had nothing else going for it but Bottin and his team's make-up effects, it would still be a landmark motion picture of incredible power. Luckily, the film around it is also excellent. The cast, filled with many beloved character actors, some of whom where only beginning their career, manages to overcome what is the film's only real failing. We rarely get a sense of who any of these guys are, beyond stray characteristics here and there. I guess that's why you cast Keith David and Wilford Brimley, performers whose mere appearance and voice bring with it a world of experience. Ya know, I don't know if “The Thing” is the greatest horror movie ever made, as some have trumpeted. It's probably not even my favorite Carpenter film, as I find myself returning to the wacky looseness of “Big Trouble in Little China” or the meta-fictional brain teasing of “In the Mouth of Madness” more often. But there's no doubt that this movie truly is pretty damn great. [9/10]
 


Rooms for Tourists (2004)
Habitaciones para turistas


Argentina has had an active film industry since the Lumière brothers' days but it seems the nation's first horror movie wouldn't appear until 1934. In the decades after, the genre would make sporadic appearances among the country's cinematic output. A Poe adaptation here, a gothic monster movie there, the odd grisly thriller or mad scientist flick. If IMDb's listings are correct, a low-budget horror scene began to emerge in the early 2000s. More recently, directors like Demián Rugna and Cristian Ponce have made waves internationally, really drawing horror fans' attention to the country. But the first Argentine horror director I heard of was Adrián García Bogliano. His 2004 feature debut, "Rooms for Tourists," got a positive review in Fangoria and the title has stuck in my brain ever since. Time to finally catch up with this one, for my Horror Around the World stopover in the land of the gauchos and Aconcagua.

Five young women ride a train to the Argentine countryside. They are quiet and shy Theda, high-strung Elena, blonde party girl Ruth, film student Silvia, and the pierced and punky Lydia. The otherwise unconnected cadre all miss their bus ride and become stranded in a small village. The locals are standoffish. They observe an apparent exorcism performed within a church. A friendly man named Nestor offers them rooms for the night at his family home, where him and his brothers rent out their extra rooms to tourists since the death of their mother. Theda is having religious themed visions and all the girls seem stressed by something more than merely getting delayed. That night, a masked intruder murders one of the group with a meat cleaver. The killer comes for all of them next. This leads to a night of terror amid the strange home, the discovery of what links these strangers, and why they are being targeted. 

The first thing I noticed about "Rooms for Tourists" is its visuals. The film is shot by cinematographers David Bermeo and Veronica Padron in high-contrast black and white. The shadows are very deep and dark. They are broken up by piercing rays of light, grey-tinted clarity among the pitch black angles. Once the murderer begins stalking the girls through the isolated inn, the sole source of light is often a single lamp or a burning match. I can't find any information on whether "Rooms for Tourists" was shot on film or digital video. Either way, the movie has the kind of grit to its look that I very much associate with the indie horror scene of the early 2000s. The camerawork is often intimate, focused on faces and tight close-ups. This is, I suspect, not only for stylistic reasons but also to disguise the lack of resources the filmmakers were working with. There are occasional lapses in coherence or tact: An opening assault of shocking violence, an occasional burst of shaky cam, a rare heavy metal needle drop. However, "Rooms for Tourists" is mostly a very well tuned production. The camera movements are precise, the editing is tight, the shots are clear. (All the more impressive considering it was shot, "Eraserhead" style, over the course of four years and with a piecemeal crew.) 

The lo-fi but moody visuals are most apparent during Theda's hallucinations. She sees nun-like figures standing backlit in dark rooms, shots right out of a goth rock music video. Throughout, there is this sense of discomfort around organized religion in "Rooms for Tourists." When watching the sermon and apparent exorcism, the girls do so from the streets outside the church. They are not part of the congregation but excluded from it. The pastor stops by for dinner and the conversation he has is not outwardly aggressive but condescending. Faith seems to be a tool to push out undesirables, not to bring people together. This is especially hard for Theda, played with sincerity by Elena Sirrito, who seems like a quiet and unassuming young woman. The motivation for the murder spree and what brings the girls together is, cleverly, slowly revealed through dialogue here and there. When the understanding all comes together – that they have been targeted from the beginning for specific reasons by malicious actors – it ties in nicely with the theme of religion used not as a beacon but as a bludgeon. The final image is bleak and sudden, a chilling statement on how some in this world feel it is their duty to discard empathy and only punish those they deem evil. 

The social commentary and stylized visuals were a deliberate effort on Bogliano's behalf to elevate what would otherwise have been a standard first-time indie horror feature. By which I mean, "Rooms for Tourists" is a knowing innovation of genre traditions with stated references to the filmmaker's influences. Once a masked killer begins to chase the girls through an isolated location, this one's status as a slasher movie is crystalized. Vivid hallucinations in a boxy, shadowy room bring "Repulsion" to mind. The premise has shades of "Texas Chain Saw Massacre" and "Psycho," the latter of which is referenced in dialogue. Not to mention a scene where Sylvia starts talking about her favorite Argentine movies, specific shout-outs that are lost on this dumb-ass American. Unlike a lot of low-budget films of this type, "Rooms for Tourists" is not burdened by its kinship to past classics. This is a pretty creepy slasher. The killer wears a white stocking that removes all features from his face, an element rendered more nightmarish by the monochromatic visuals. The chase scenes are well done, the film capturing the increasing sense of hopelessness the girls feel as the night goes on. The gore is limited but well utilized, injuries occurring in close-up to maximize their distressing quality. 

It all works well for the first hour or so. There's a specificity to the locations and faces we meet, also going a long way to distinguish the story from its familiar element. Unfortunately, you also get the impression that the director was more accustomed to making shorts than features. The script starts to meander at the end of the second act. A few subplots, such as a reoccurring blind woman glimpsed in the distance, never amount to much. The ending is well done but also feels apart from the story's main action. Simply put, I'm not sure there's enough actual plot here to fill the runtime. The characters are well realized by their actors but remain frustratingly archetypal in many ways. We get glimpses at their wider histories – Lydia snorting a line, Ruth popping a pill – but the film does not flesh out these attributes much. I guess the idea was to keep the film focused in the present but devoting a little more to each woman's interior life or past would've been a good way to beef up the more meager sides of the film. 

Bogliano was actually born in Madrid and he's made films in Mexico and Spain since his debut. (Including a demonic kids story I couldn't quite get into and a werewolf flick with a strong cast I've been meaning to watch.) Despite that, I'm going to assume Argentine is the cultural identity he most connects with, considering the clear context that provides "Rooms for Tourists." This is a shocker that makes the most of its limited budget and resources, creating a few striking images and some nice tension along the way to a pointed cultural critique. [7/10]
 

 
Wednesday: Friend or Woe

 
The third episode of “Wednesday” delves more into the back story of its setting, the town of Jericho. She puts the torn out page seemingly depicting her in a painting from decades before into its source book, seeing the other half features Joseph Crackstone. That was the town's puritan founder. That dovetails with the school's Outreach Day, with Nevermore students working for a day at the pilgrim-themed tourist attraction. While searching for the genuine structures from the colonel days, she has a vision. It turns out that the sanitized version of Jericho's history covers up a legacy of indigenous bloodshed. Crackstone burned 'witches” and massacred the local native population. Which included Wednesday's identical ancestor, Goody Addams, whose mother was indigenous. Meanwhile, the bug-eyed monster continues to lurk in the woods. Potential love interest Xavier becomes aware there's a cover-up involving his roommate's disappearance, among yet more intrigue in and around the town and school.

There's a moment in “Friend or Woe” that genuinely caused an annoyed sound to escape my lips. When Xavier is talking about psychic visions – apparently his dad is a famous clairvoyant –  Wednesday glares at him and asks if he's “man-splaining” to her. This follows an earlier moment while, in perfect German, she explains to some tourist in a fudge shop the historical inaccuracy around the sweets and the chocolate industry's history of child slave labor. I would hope my years of writing have revealed my personal politics as insufferably left-wing. Which left me wondering why these moments made me clinch my jaw so hard. It's probably because this is the sort of corporate approved “woke” language that feels utterly inauthentic in any off-line discourse. Has anyone unironically used the word “mansplaining” since 2013? Furthermore, “Wednesday” was a multi-million dollar product produced by a billion dollar company. This episode includes blatant product placement for Taco Bell. (Disguised as a joke but that's what it is.) It is difficult to take any anti-exploitation message it may espouse very seriously at all. 

More than that, the series seems completely incapable of specifying what type of outcast Wednesday Addams is supposed to be. Is she a member of a family famously devoted to each other or an angsty teenager mad at her mom? The residents of Jericho are derisively referred to as “normies,” a slang term with a complicated history, by members of Nevermore. As much as the school is a supposed bastion for supernatural oddities, it maintains its own strict social hierarchies and cliques. This means Wednesday is an outsider both in regular society and at the school for outsiders. Later, she defends stereotypical dweeb Eugene from some bullying jocks, via her sweet martial arts moves. Afterwards, she clarifies to the boy that she defends him because he reminds her of Pugsley, her little brother... The same little brother that she has a history of torturing and attempting to murder. Later, she blows up a statue of Joseph Crackstone as a clear political statement. The Addams Family are always at-odds with the society around them but rarely through openly antagonistic means. They exist simply as their off-beat selves and that's enough to freak out the squares, who often enter into the Addams' spaces uninvited anyway. Trying to make Wednesday a darker, fairly leftist agitator like this seems at odds with that attitude. Revealing that the family has Native American roots, and where victims of Puritan persecution, is another idea motivated more by a conscious effort to make the program appear progressive than a genuine expression of a personal belief. 

And about that flashback. The word Joseph Crackstone uses to refer to the indigenous people he massacres is “outcasts.” That feels anachronistic at best but points towards this show's own uncertainty around that term. Tim Burton's movies have always been about societal outcasts striking back at conformist culture, rooted in the extremely privileged world of adolescent suburban alienation. That's what the scene of some white-bread guys picking on a glasses-wearing dweeb, and him vomiting directly in their face, is an expression of. This is the same Tim Burton who was making lisping Asians jokes in 2012. Moreover, conflating the plight of indigenous peoples to jocks pushing you around because you're a nerdy, gothy teenager feels miscalculated. Wednesday is a hyper-confident bad-ass, a freaky freak into murder and bondage, cooler than anyone else, an outsider at odds with the social structures around her, a young hero at the behest of superpowers she can't control, a typical teenager dealing with typical teenager feelings, and the apparent heir of some sort of ancient prophecy. Maybe pick an outsider lane and stick with it, guys. 

The town of Jericho is obviously inspired by Salem, Massachusetts. That's a city that functions as both a historical site teaching an important lesson about moral panic and a kitschy Halloween tourist attraction. Exploring those inconsistencies is a good template for a TV show. “Wednesday” isn't interested in that, not really, of course. However, the scenes of the title character snarking at her supervisor at the historical reenactment park, usually in a faux-16th century accent, are still one of the better moments here. Once again, Jenna Ortega is actually a fairly amusing Wednesday when cracking cheesy jokes. However, Ortega and the rest of the young cast's energy clearly flag anytime they have to deliver the utterly route exposition. This points towards how completely cookie-cutter and lifeless the actual plot of “Wednesday” is. I don't care about the backstory of Jericho or Nevermore Academy or the conflicts between the various forces at play. A scene where Enid and the guy she likes have to clean weird taxidermy animals at a shop are by far more entertaining. Suggesting once again that this show built around a sitcom character probably should have just been a sitcom, instead of a half-assed fusion of “Harry Potter,” “Stranger Things,” and a supernatural detective show. I liked the orchestral cover of “Nothing Else Matters” that plays over the obligatory end-of-the-episode montage. [5/10]
 

 
One Step Beyond: The Last Round
 
John Newland greets us from within a storage shop for unclaimed items following the bombing of Britain in World War II. He presents a ghost story within a ghost story: American boxer "Yank" Dawson is preparing for a bout along London's waterfront. His manager is concerned about his fighter's health while Dawson ignores these questions, only interested in winning one more fight so he can take the money and retire. That is when his opponent's promoter enters and mentions the story of Patty Teron, another aging American fighter who once grace these halls. It seems Patty died following a match, when a knock-out punch from the other guy dislodged a blood clot. The same boxer later claimed to see Patty's ghost before another match, seemingly warning of his own death. He ignored the omen and died on the mat that night. Since then, the spectre of Patty Teron has become a foreboding visitor warning of impending doom for anyone who sees him. Naturally, Yank encounters the ghost shortly afterwards. He sees him in the crowd during the match too. While this is dismissed as an attempt at psychological warfare by the other fighter's team, might something more mysterious be going on here? 

Once again, "One Step Beyond" is one of the more melodramatic and heavy handed of the classic genre anthology shows. "The Last Round" continuously points towards its own conclusion. Dawson is introduced as getting long in the tooth for a boxer. A tense exchange with the rival promoter reveals him as suffering a bad hit in a previous fight, following the repeated discussion of his ailing health. The appearance of Patty's ghost – who wears a sweater with his name stitched on the front in big letters, just in case you didn't understand who he was – is so heavily foreshadowed that any surprise or shock is gone. The twist that pushes this story into the realm of the supernatural is belabored during an exchange with a police officer. Newland's post-war introduction essentially spoils the episode's ending and what the ominous spirit's multiple appearances in this stadium foretells. I guess you could miss that this story takes place during a brief moment of All Clear during the Blitz but you would have to be really distracted not to figure out where this is going.

While "The Last Round's" ending is never much in doubt, there are still some interesting elements to be found.  Two of Charles Bronson's earliest television credits had him playing boxers, a role he was clearly still typecast in as the sixties started to roll around. While sans mustache and displaying a beefy physique, Bronson's sun-beaten facial features are still immediately recognizable. (Making it funny when his manager repeatedly calls him "boy." Chuck was about to turn forty at the time.) Something Charles Bronson was not well known for was his range. The steely gaze and monosyllabic delivery of the "Death Wish" films have not quite presented themselves. Bronson is clearly trying to be vulnerable and uncertain in this role and can't quite sell it. He's also given a fair bit of dialogue, shakily delivered in that famously clipped quasi-Lithuanian accent of his. Despite these shortcomings, Bronson always had magnetism. Simply as a hunk of chiseled meat, delivering punches in the ring, he is a compelling figure. He's surrounded by a collection of extremely British character actors, who do far better delivering the foreboding exposition. 

Most of "The Last Round" is fairly flat in its visuals composition, not atypical for this series. However, there are a couple cool looking shots within the boxing ring, the fists flying ahead and under the camera. I also do like Patty's second appearance, spotlighted in the back row of the crowd and smiling impishly. This episode probably needed more of that playful energy to truly work but, as an on-the-record fan of the future Paul Kersey, "The Last Round" is an interesting dispatch from the early years of his career. [6/10]


Thursday, September 3, 2026

Halloween 2026: September 3rd

 

Having now inspired two separate horror movies, it looks like Travis is going to be the most influential non-human anthropoid of the 21st century. Sorry, Harambe. I apologize for being glib. The story of Sandra Herold, her chimpanzee “son,” and the friend of the family he left brutally deformed was a senseless tragedy all around. Unfortunately, it was also too fascinating and bizarre a tale not to demand our attention. A deeply mentally ill woman using an innocent wild animal as a surrogate for her lost loved ones, mistreating him when she thought she was loving him, the novelty of our almost but not quite human cousin living in such proximity to people: It all says a lot about human psychology, animal well-being, and the responsibility we have and most certainly do not have towards the natural world. Sadly, the moral far many more people took away from this incident is that a chimpanzee can and will totally fuck your shit up. The pendulum has perhaps swung too far in the other direction, from the public perceiving chimps as adorable pranksters to vicious murder machines. Surely not helping matters are motion pictures like “Primate,” literally turning an endangered species into a horror movie villain. While the animal lover in me has mixed feelings about this, the trash movie enthusiast cannot resist the allure of such ape-shit shenanigans. Be prepared for more puns like that through this review, something I'm definitely not going to apologize for. 

College student Lucy returns home to Hawaii with her best friend, Kate, and an additional guest, Hannah. They arrive at the scenic home of Lucy's parents, with its cliff-side swimming pool and large outdoor enclosure. Waiting for them are several family members: Kate's brother and Lucy's long time crush, Lucy's deaf-mute father who is also a famous novelist, her little sister Erin, and Ben. Ben is a chimpanzee, who has grown up with the girls. Lucy's late mother was a linguistics scientist and taught Ben to communicate a little, through sign language and a tablet with a press-button soundboard. The dad goes off to a book signing, leaving the kids and the ape alone. Unbeknownst to anyone, a rabid mongoose got into Ben's pin and bit him. The girls and Nick begin to have a party, even inviting some other guys over, but soon notice that Ben is acting strangely. After tearing a visiting veterinarian's face off, Ben begins to violently attack the people who considered him family. Soon, Lucy, Erin, and the others must defend themselves against a homicidal animal that is intelligent, extremely strong, and armed with a mouth full of pointed teeth and opposable thumbs. 

Likely the reason chimpanzee attacks on humans have gained so much notoriety in the last decade is because of their viciousness. Denser muscles and "fast twitch" fibers give chimps a brutal grip strength, meaning they can rip through flesh and crush bone with ease. When combined with their tendency to go for vulnerable areas like the fingers, faces, and genitals, the idea of a random chimp event has truly become the stuff of nightmares for many. This is something "Primate" exploits repeatedly. In the opening sequence, we see Ben yank someone into his cage, a standard horror movie opening... But the film goes the extra mile and then shows the ape tearing Rob Delaney's face off, all before the opening credits. Later, we see Ben bite a chunk out of someone's thigh, bash heads in, rip a jaw off, scalp a girl with his bare hands, and snap a finger like a Kitkat. The make-up artists, effects team, and sound designers truly earned their pay on this one. Each attack is wince-inducing and horrifying. The film seems to delight in the meatiness of the human body and how those multiple layers of skin, muscle, fat, and nerves can be twisted and torn. It has truly been a while since a mainstream horror movie made me groan this much.

“Primate” is directed by Johannes Roberts, whose “47 Meters Down” films gave him experience with stories of young women trapped in an isolated location with a blood-thirsty animal. “Primate” is a little less contrived than that one. Ben's rabies stems from a mongoose, with the clarification that Hawaii is a rabies free state but no explanation for where the infected mongoose came from! Mostly, the contrivances in the script here allow for the suspense to go up. The heroes isolated in the pool as they attempt to get around the insane monkey stalking the area produces a few moments of nicely drawn out tension. The best example occurs when Lucy is hiding in a closest, only a door and a layer of transparent plastic separating her from the agitated ape. Considering chimpanzees are naturally unpredictable creatures, Ben made all the more-so by his altered mental state and the audience's general uncertainty of what the animal is even seeing at any point. It's a sequence that builds nicely and ends with a suitably intense shock of the hairy beast smashing right through a glass window. Since the film establishes so early how dangerous this animal is, we are well aware of the stakes at play here. Combined with tight editing and frenzied cinematography, “Primate” frequently makes for a tense thrill ride. 

Roberts has cited "Cujo" as an influence and it's easy to see the connection there. Both films, after all, are about vulnerable characters trapped in a tight location by a rabid animal. While Roberts successfully emulates the intensity of Lewis Teague's classic, perhaps he should've studied that film a little harder in other regards. Ben the Chimp is a delightfully devious villain. He seems to taunt the girls as they float in the pool, by tapping the "Dead" button over and over again on his speech tablet. After an unsuccessful attempt to push the bananas bonobo off a cliff goes horribly wrong, Ben rises back up with victorious glee. He plays like a child with the dismembered parts of his victims. Probably the moment that most characterizes the ape as a convincing sociopath is when he reveals that he has the fob to unlock a car. All of that aligns with what the film is going for. Ben is brought to life through a clever combination of an actor in a detailed animatronic suit and CGI, which looks real enough to pass the sniff test but with enough uncanniness to add to the creature's fright factor. However, part of what made "Cujo" not just scary but effective was the equal anxiety and sympathy the film had for its titular terror. Cujo was a killer and a threat but he was also just a dog, sick and dying and not knowingly acting with any malice. "Primate" probably would've been a stronger movie if it offered the same agency to Ben, playing him not as evil but rather as a thinking, feeling creature driven by sickness and instinct to behave in this manner. 

Perhaps I'm the one making a mistake by expecting that level of depth from a movie like "Primate." It's a minor miracle that the film pulls off the level of suspense and shotgun-level jolts that it does. The core players are quickly introduced in the first act. There's some uneasiness between Lucy and Erin, the younger sister resenting the older for leaving home. Hannah seems to have invited herself on this vacation, causing some annoyance. Obviously, there's unspoken sexual tension between Lucy and her crush. I don't know why I bring any of this up because it is not important at all. Once the (ape)shit hits the fan, the meat bags in "Primate" become basically indistinguishable from each other. Any nuance the characters might have had totally vanishes as the heroines focus entirely on outsmarting the simian stalker and tending to the wounded. This is probably for the better. I hate it when horror movies insert petty drama between the cast in a survival situation. "Primate" runs a tight 89 minutes and it stays focused on the goal of maximum thrills and grimaces throughout, any unnecessary bickering cut out. Still, I would've liked to have been able to tell the girls apart by more than just their hair colors. By the time some drunken frat boys show up, it's clear that "Primate" is basically a slasher movie, as much about gory showmanship as anything else. 

And I love a good slasher movie, probably more than is considered healthy. The only performer in the film going for much nuance is Troy Kotsur as Lucy's father. He shows the impressive subtlety of expression and thoughtfulness that won him an Oscar for "CODA." This does not stop the movie from playing his disability for easy thrills though, the deaf man unaware of the horror just behind him. Which probably speaks to the limited variety of roles available to actors with disabilities. The Academy Award winner also punches a chimpanzee in the face not once but twice. Who am I to turn my nose up at such a blessing? Yes, "Primate" is undeniably junk food but it is such delicious junk food. I have too much respect for the technicians and artists at work here who made me gasp, groan, hoot, and scoot towards the edge of my seat multiple times throughout the film. Perhaps that speaks to the simian nature of all our brains. This monkey see that monkey do homicide and it makes him clap for more. This is, as far as research shows, the first of Johannes Roberts' movies to open in January but is so perfectly indicative of the simple pleasures of the "January horror movie" that I can't imagine it'll be the last. "Primate" is prime pulp and I loved it, flaws and all. [8/10]




Udo Kier was, to put it plainly, like no other. He was a performer gifted with huge reflective eyes that could glow with rage or lust or madness. He had an outrageous accent and an on-screen persona just as flamboyant. His unforgettable and extremely European screen presence led to repeated appearances in films by respected auteurs like Fassbinder, Wenders, von Trier, Herzog, Van Sant and Maddin. It also meant Kier – who passed away last November and worked right up until the end of his life – was in a lot of trash. Often, he was the most memorable thing about said trash. This is technically not the case with 1976's "The House on Straw Hill," alternatively known as "Trauma" or "Exposé." The film is most notable as a Video Nasty, one of the 72 titles banned in England during the eighties VHS boom after being declared a threat to moral decency. Much to the chagrin of Mary Whitehouse, I'm sure, "Straw Hill" was one of the few home-grown video nasties, exploitation filth made right there in England. While its "deemed obscene by the government" status has guaranteed this otherwise not-that-notable film a permanent place of notoriety in horror history, I'm watching it in remembrance of Kier's unhinged talent. 

Paul Martin is having trouble finishing the follow-up to his best selling debut novel. He is having frequent nightmares of blood and death. This leads to a break-up with his girlfriend Suzanne. Hoping to refocus on his work, he rents an isolated cottage out in the British countryside. By chance, he saves a woman named Linda from some local yokels. She is a stenographer and agrees to work as Paul's secretary, typing up his new novel as he dictates it. Sexual tension simmers between Paul and the unreceptive Linda. The hicks return to rape her in the field outside the home, resulting in her killing them both with a shotgun. The cottage's caretaker vanishes. Suzanne reappears and Linda seduces her. Paul's nightmares and visions intensify. Someone cuts the brakes on his car. Clearly, secrets and ulterior motives are afoot in the house on straw hill. 

"Straw Hill" was directed by James Kenelm Clarke. Mostly a composer and documentarian early in his career, he switched gears when he co-founded Norfolk International Pictures. It is for this company that he would make films with classy titles like "Let's Get Laid," "Hardcore," and "Sweet Virgin." Several of those flicks and this one co-star Fiona Richmond, billed as "Britain no. 1 sex symbol" on the posters. All of which is to say that "House on Straw Hill" is an irrepressibly horny motion picture, blurring the line between exploitation and softcore porn. Richmond is naked within the first five minutes. She spends most of the movie humping or getting humped and also gives Udo a blowie seemingly through his pants at one point. Linda Hayden's character is compelled to masturbate no less than four times throughout the film. Unsurprisingly, the sexual assault sequence is filmed more for titillation than terror. "Lesbian sex" and "anal rape" are among the film's keywords on IMDb. 

Whether the film succeeds as smut is a matter of opinion. Richmond and Hayden are nice to look at. Their girl-on-girl scene has a certain sweaty, sleazy heat to it and is probably the closest the movie comes to genuine eroticism. So I suppose "House on Straw Hill" will give interested wankers what they are after. Whether it functions well as a horror movie is more debatable. Udo's visions of a dead body in a bathtub, breaking glass and a bloody hand falling to the side, reoccur enough that they start to grow tedious. There are two sequences of people being knifed. One is a darkened stalking that ends with a slashed throat and the other is a "Psycho" inspired shower stabbing that ups the flesh and blood. Both would make passable moments in a mid-tier giallo. The montage of Udo's car careening out of control, intercut with the above mentioned lesbian tryst, is mildly well done. The free mixing of sex and a malevolent atmosphere does create a somewhat charming sense of sleaziness.

Mostly, this is a pretty dumb movie where not much actually happens. A key moment depends on a presumed slain character returning to life, a clear result of the filmmakers writing themselves into a corner. The runtime is largely a mix of skin scenes, bloody nightmares, the occasional murder, ominous foreshadowing, and Udo dictating his novel to Linda. Watching Kier ramble out tawdry prose while he grows ever-more wide-eyed certainly has entertainment value. The main joy present in "The House on Straw Hill" is watching Udo go crazy. He gives his character some intriguing quirks, like always wearing latex gloves when making love. Unfortunately, somebody made the unfathomable decision to dub over Kier's voice, denying us the chance to hear his insane German accent deliver such florid lines. I probably would have bumped this one up half a star if they simply kept the original audio.

Really, there's only one deeper idea in "The House On Straw Hill" that holds any sway at all. The script finally reveals what the plot is up to in the final scene. This is preambled by a moment where Martin is dictating the end of his novel to Linda, who begins to change every single word and line that he makes up. It's another tensely edited scene, showing that the people who made this movie actually did have some grasp on suspense and pacing. Furthermore, it raises an interesting question about true authorial intent. Every bestselling writer has an editor. How many eyeballs does a manuscript pass before on the way to being published? How many fingerprints are left on a finished book? The question of what degree a story actually belongs to someone – and who deserves credit for the telling – when so much collaboration is necessary in every field is an intriguing one. "Straw Hill" goes right back to being dumb, sleazy schlock right after that. Perhaps a presentation a little more focused on the push-and-pull within the creative process than buttocks and bewbs could have explored this idea more.

The "House on Straw Hill" title is clearly meant to recall both "Straw Dogs" and "Last House on the Left." There's some comparison there, what with the sexual violence occurring out in the scenic countryside and being bloody avenged. The image of Kier wearing a silk shirt while brandishing a shotgun made a few of the posters and obviously invokes Sam Peckinpah's controversial classic. At least this title accurately describes the film, as that house is indeed located on Straw Hill. "Trauma" is too vague to have a specific importance to this story. "Exposé" makes it sound more like a movie about journalism, though I guess plenty of things are exposed here. All of these details mark this as the film as the cheap, greasy rip-off it is. This is one of those movies that is probably objectively bad but whose stupid sleazeball atmosphere I unfortunately am somewhat charmed by. I bet this would play a lot better in a 42nd Street grindhouse than all digitally restored at home. R.I.P. Udo, overacting and groping some beautiful breasts is surely how you would want to be remembered. [6/10]
 



Unburdened by having to set up the premise of the show, the second episode of “Wednesday” is slightly better than the first. But only slightly. This one leans into the “Harry Potter” influence much more blatantly. Christina Ricci teaches a class suspiciously similar to herbology, Wednesday's Gorgonian love interest generates a ghostly spider for her, while the second half of the episode basically revolves around the goth Tri-Wizard Cup. Otherwise, the plot continues to function in usual streaming television fashion. We've got half-a-dozen story threads, plates for the show to keep spinning in the air. The monster that seemingly killed Wednesday's attacker last time is nowhere to be seen. Neither is the kid's body, as he reappears. This might be the work of some sort of cover-up, the town sheriff remains suspicious, and his son remains obviously flirty with the title character. We get some more development on Wednesday's powers, the idea that there's some kind of prophecy around her arrival at the school, and her following in the footsteps of her mother despite her stated desire not to do so. Romantic entanglements and rivalries are also starting to form. I'm struggling to care about any of it. 

On one hand, there's a moment or two in “Woe Is the Loneliest Number” where I'm reminded that Tim Burton used to be a decent director. The practical sets and production design on display here are actually quite good. Gwendolyn Christie has a giant fire place shaped like a Medusa face with a gaping mouth in her office, which is cool. Sadly, every semi-compelling visual is bordered by some a moment full of badly composed CGI. This is most apparent during the boat race finale, which is unforgivably hideous in spots. Add to that the Netflix-mandated need to keep as much of the action in the center of the screen at all times, to make distribution into social media friendly clips easier, and you've got an hour of TV that feels like beige wallpaper. The term “slop” is overused by, truly, what else to do you call this kind of approach? 

On the other hand, this episode is slightly more tolerable than the debut. There are more nods to the original sixties sitcom here. Thing has a bigger role here and I like the clarification that he communicates via sign language. (Despite that being less funny than everyone in the family just instantly understanding him.) Wednesday has a stated preference for spiders and venomous insects as pets. Some plot reason I've already forgotten has her making friends with the nerdy kid who runs the beekeeping club, which is actually kind of cute. Wednesday has also inherited her mother's knowledge of carnivorous plants. Suggesting a series much truer in tone to that original show was possible, Jenna Ortega continues to excel at delivering absurdly morbid one-liners. I will also admit that Emma Myers as the upbeat, werewolf room mate is fairly adorable. Making Wednesday the Felix to a sunny, energetic Oscar is, again, hack shit but at least the cast compliment each other. The second half of the episode also features its female cast members wearing cat ears and skin-tight body suits, the kind of blatant fetishism I expect from anime but not big budget live action streaming nonsense. I guess Burton still had some of that “Batman Returns” kinkiness in his system after all. This is still aggressively mediocre television though. [5/10]

 

 
Alfred Hitchcock Presents: Incident in a Small Jail

Once again, it's time for me to marvel at how “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” put extremely bleak, perverse stories on late fifties/early sixties American television and got away with it by having a portly, sardonic Englishman make corny jokes before and after them. Traveling salesman Leon Gorwald, while stopping over in a small town, jaywalks across a street. The deputy sheriff notices him and prepares to fine him. Leon tries to bribe his way out of a ticket, a stunt that pisses the cop off and gets Leon thrown into one of two jail cells back at the station. The actual sheriff and his deputy arrives shortly afterwards with grim news: A girl was found mutilated with a knife the other night and they're pretty sure they caught the guy who did it, some scumbag in a mechanic's overalls. As news travels around town about the death of the girl, a lynch mob begins to come together at the local bar. The three cops do what they can to maintain law and order but things soon get out of hand. And Leon Gorwald, some average guy in the wrong place at the wrong time, gets caught up in it. Or that's what seems to be happening at first. 

“Incident in a Small Jail” is another Henry Slesar penned episode, who also wrote the earlier highly regarded “Hitchcock Presents” installment, “The Right Kind of House.” Both these episode are utterly economic in their setting and story. They have limited settings and a small cast of characters, like a one-act play. Both stories introduces a situation that builds steadily but carefully in tension. At first “Incident in a Small Jail” feels like a brilliant encapsulation of a chain reaction. Leon Gorwald casually makes the decision to skip across a street, the butterfly flapping its wings that leads to the tidal wave of him being thrust into the center of an angry mob. The way each new complication is added to the scenario – the unrefined punk tossed into the cell next to him, some drunkards down the street deciding to go vigilante, one small cry for help at the exact wrong time – feels like a perfectly executed web of little bad moments adding up to ruin someone's life. From this perspective, the moral of “Incident in a Small Jail” seems to be “one minor misdeed can have ghastly consequences.” 

This theme, that we are all at the mercy of a chaotic and random universe, is already a fairly black pill to swallow. However, “Incident in a Small Jail” has an even bleaker idea up its sleeve. The episode is brilliantly cast. Myron Healey as the deputy sheriff is the exact kind of hard-ass you would expect to insist on following every minor law, instantly making you dislike him. John Fiedler plays Leon. As always, he's short and non-threatening in his avuncular baldness but that whiny and stammering voice, so perfect for Piglet, also makes him a little untrustworthy. He did try and bribe a cop after all. Should we trust this guy? Once future tough guy Richard Jaeckel appears as the killer, however, you are on the guy's side despite his weaselly quality. The stranger's violent acts are perfectly set-up by Crahan Denton as the sheriff. His weary delivery of the girl's mutilated body being worst than anything he saw in the war is fantastic. 

All of this grim, tightly-wound tension proceeds what seems like an unexpected happy ending... Before “Incident in a Small Jail” drops a pitch black twist, like a knife in the back. The final image of the episode must be one of the most chilling in all of the black-and-white era of American television. In other words, this friggin' rocks. Every time I watch “Alfred Hitchcock Presents,” I find myself stunned to discover that, oh my god, television can actually be good. Why aren't all shows, to this day, tightly paced thirty minute packages of caustic noir goodness? [9/10]


Wednesday, September 2, 2026

Halloween 2026: September 2nd

 
The Wailing (2016)
Gokseong

Religion is kind of a worldwide phenomena, ya know? I think it's human nature to assign events to the actions of a higher power or otherworldly forces. We also tend to think of faith as following international borders. Those who write history have worked very hard to paint the Americas and the Anglo corners of the world as the Christian nations, middle Asian countries as Islamic, India as Hindu, and so forth. The East Asian parts of the world, from an ignorant American perspective, seem mostly characterized as a mix of Buddhist, Shinto, and ill-defined local mysticism. This is not accurate, of course. In South Korea, for example, 20% of the population identify as Protestant and 11% as Catholic. While Christianity has a decent sized congregation in the country, local shamanic beliefs are also commonly practiced, sometimes hand-in-hand. This interesting spiritual breakdown is reflected in Na Hong-jin's 2016 film, "The Wailing." Critically acclaimed, the film is what largely brought Na's name to Western fans' attention.

Jong-goo is a policeman in the South Korean village of Gokseong, a small community surrounded by mountains and forest. He is sent to investigate an unusually grisly murder, a man covered in strange boils and scars having brutally dismembered his wife. This is the first of a number of reported violent crimes in the area, often of someone murdering the other members of their family. Many of these incidents seem to link back to the appearance of a Japanese stranger in the village. Jong-goo begins to have nightmares about this unusual man. Shortly afterwards, his daughter Hyo-jin begins to exhibit increasingly strange, violent, and vulgar behavior. Jong-goo is convinced the stranger has possessed his daughter and is prompted to seek out a traditional shaman to exorcise the spirit. While this has some effect at first, the curse falling over Jong-goo and his family can not be so easily defeated. 

I'm pulling from a comparatively small sample size here and also making the same mistake I chastise others for in my opening paragraph, of grouping all Asian cultures together mindlessly. Having said that: A curse that easily passes from person to person seems to crop up in horror movies from that corner of the world sometimes. That's kind of how the mechanics of the haunting in “Ringu” operate. A more recent example would be “The Sadness” from Taiwan, where a literal virus prompts people to indulge their most depraved, violent impulses. In “The Wailing,” evil is similarly a communicable virus. It seemingly begins with the Japanese man coming into the village. He is said to commit sexual assaults, crawl around the forest in his underwear, or eat rotten meat. If this is patient zero for a corrupting otherworldly force is hard to say but, either way, it's spreading through this village. We see individuals in a zombie-like trance, rotting and covered in sores. Meanwhile, in the case of Jong-goo's daughter, the curse acts more like a traditional possession. Whatever the symptoms, this is a demonic outbreak that works very much like a pandemic. If one person in town has caught it, odds are good someone else has it too. 

This is a cool set-up for a fright film, seemingly mixing the familiar tropes of the zombie movie with a degree of demonic horror. However, it's only the jumping-off point for the themes “The Wailing” explores over its two and a half hour runtime. The film operates a lot like a detective mystery, with Jong-hoo attempting to track down the person responsible for these events. It's clear that he is caught in a chain reaction whose trigger event happened some time ago. This is evident in a well done sequence where the shaman performs an elaborate ritual, with a lot of dancing and physical movement, to cast the spirit out. This mostly results in Hyo-jin screaming in pain as her body contorts. As the story progresses, characters learn conflicting information about who is the source of these events and what to do about them. A Catholic priest concludes that the Japanese stranger – a cultural outsider who may be a mere scapegoat? - is a demon. The shaman believes a ghost is responsible. The media blames the consumption of psychedelic mushroom. Ultimately, it doesn't matter to Jong-goo because his daughter is still sick, isn't getting any better, and his home seems careening towards disaster. If all religion is merely an attempt to put a system of cause-and-effect on a universe that is merely random chaos, “The Wailing” is a good depiction of that. Its protagonist is the middle of the falling dominoes, with no chance of stopping the collapse even if he can trace things back to a source. 

A key moment occurs when Jong-hoo and his partner are investigating the home of the supposed demonic individual. Someone points out that a key object was casually picked up, contaminating the forensics and ruining any chance of it becoming evidence in the court of law. When compared to an earlier scene of Jong-hoo cowering from a ghostly image in the police station, the conclusion is difficult to avoid: This guy isn't a very good cop. As he grows more desperate, he uses violence and intimidating frequently to get what he wants. When combined with the dysfunction in his home life, another theme seems to emerge. The family calls on the shaman, under the belief that he knows what to do. He is revealed to be as clueless as anyone else. Doctors can't stop the spread. The Catholic priest is confused too. There is a systematic failure of authority in “The Wailing,” men who are stupid or irresponsible or corrupt or selfish being assigned power they cannot be trusted to wield. This outbreak of demonic influence is their fault and trusting them to stop it seems like a doomed effort. It feels a lot like, oh, every government in the world ever. How can we expect a system that caused these problems to then resolve them? 

Tying these ideas together is Na Hong-Jin's mastery of ambiance and ability to deliver a good shock. The scenic locations, beautifully captured by Hong Kyung-pyo's cinematography, only make the cast seem more isolated and alone as things get worst. Several sequences in “The Wailing” begin with seemingly normal circumstances being disrupted by unusual events that grow more disturbing. A lightning crash and black-out precedes the appearance of a shadowy spectre. A visit to the woods is disrupted by the strange man appearing, who crawls closer and closer. A nose bleed escalates to a torrent of vomit. A frantic drive down a freeway is disturbed by a swarm of bugs pelting the windshield. The movie does a fantastic job of staring at events as they grow more ominous, looking evil right in the face as it plays out in front of us. The result is the viewer feels as trapped with these unsettling revelations as the characters do. These aren't mere jump scares, that jolt the audience and then fade as the adrenaline dies down. These are sturdier chills, nightmare imagery that sticks in the mind and becomes harder to forget.
 
Good shit, in other words. Na Hong-Jing doesn't seem to have attracted the reputation as a lot of other South Korean horror filmmakers. His previous films, “The Chaser” and “The Yellow Sea,” got strong reviews. His follow-up to this one, “Hope,” got scooped up by Netflix and dropped on their streaming service with little promotion, as Netflix is prone to do. I'm definitely going to have to go back and check those out though. (Na also penned a film for Thai filmmaker Banjong Pisanthanakun that started life as a sequel to this one before turning into a stand-alone project. I'm considering making that my stop in Thailand on this year's world tour.)“The Wailing” is a potent dose of dread, featuring strong performances and heady ideas in service of fantastically directed scenes of horror. [8/10]
 


In the various circles of schlock movie perdition, Jerry Warren surely resides somewhere on the lower tiers. Ed Wood's surreal dialogue and irrepressible fetishes made his films cult classics. Andy Milligan's deeply felt misanthropy transformed Z-movies into windows to his personal hell. Coleman Francis created stifling works of highly quotable anti-art. I've never seen a single person who express anything but ironic enjoyment of Jerry Warren's work. His films, usually composed of thoughtlessly cut apart and reassembled international movies with utterly lifeless new footage providing the thinnest of connective tissue, have little camp factor and few merits of their own. So how bad does a movie have to be when Jerry Warren is called in to save it? Lora Crozetti, an early female writer in the world of sci-fi fandom, wrote a book called “The Widderburn Horror.” In 1965, director Harold Daniels attempted to adapt it into a movie. Reginald LeBorg apparently also shot some footage of people wandering around the woods. The producers deemed the project incomplete and brought in Warren to shoot additional material and cut it together into something releasable. Whether he succeeded is debatable. However, the film, now entitled “Blood of the Man Devil” and eventually re-titled again to “House of the Black Death,” did play in theaters before paying audiences. Which is something, I guess. 

The Desard family's legacy is one of witchcraft, devil worship, black magic, and arcane curses. At the family's foggy estate resides the bed-bound Andre, the eldest member who is deeply protective of the Desard's dark secrets. His brother, Belial, works with a coven of loyal followers to undermine Andre and claim the family's powers for his own. Andre's children, Paul and Valerie, arrive at the home to discuss these terms. Belial's followers kill their dog and go about attempting to activate a much discussed curse, that will turn Paul into a werewolf. Paul, his sister, a skeptical doctor, and dear old dad talk about ancient spells and tomes. Meanwhile, the literally horny Belial has his followers perform striptease outside the house as part of dark rituals, I guess.

“House of the Black Death” qualifies as a motion picture only on a technicality. It begins with a montage of the main players, their names and roles in the story being introduced by an off-screen Satanic voice. If that seems didactic, it's practically dynamic compared to how the rest of the movie plays out. Most of the film's thankfully short 74 minute runtime is devoted to people standing around within the undistinguished rooms of the family home. They ramble on about the family's demonic heritage and history of lycanthropy, often repeating the same points again and again. The visibly bored actors are usually in the center of the frame, footage cutting back and forth with the subtly of a power saw, as they talk about this incomprehensible bullshit. The word “coven” is repeatedly pronounced in such a manner as not to rhyme with oven, man. It is lifeless, feeling like stilted amateur theater unwisely committed to celluloid for all time. 

Considering his pedigree, I would expect these endless scenes of inane dialogue to be Mr. Warren's work. The exact breakdown of who shot what seems lost to the ages. We do know that Warren brought in his regular Katherine Victor, who appears in scenes of the cult bickering among itself. Otherwise, we can only speculate. The multiple scenes of female Satanists gyrating around in their lingerie before a demonic alter represents exploitation film making at its most desperate, throwing half-naked bodies on-screen in hopes of diverting audience attention for a second longer. Sure, the girls are attractive. Among them is legendarily proportioned British pin-up girl Sabrina, in her final film credit. Their dance routines are recorded without a sense of eroticism or basic energy. It's like “Orgy of the Dead” with all the fun parts cut out. Much like that particular piece of cheese, “House of the Black Death” links its tedious conversations and titillation-free lap dances with hokey horror movie atmosphere. There's a stone altar shaped like a saddle, the topic of several conversations. A rusty gate, a cardboard tombstone, a blanket of fog over the floor. Even someone with as much affection for elementary school Halloween party set-dressing as myself can only find so much here to be charmed by. The scene where someone finally turns into a werewolf – a split-second shot of foam gurgling through a gorilla mask – and Lon Chaney transforming into a paper skull instantly made me chuckle a little. But that's it.

I watched “House of the Black Death” because of its over-the-hill stars. As always, John Carradine and Lon Chaney Jr. are professionals. Carradine never blinks or stutters when reading reams of droll exposition. He is one of the few actors in the film that actually do anything meaningful, called upon to perform a mostly off-screen fiery incantation at the end. It's impossible to care about any of it and I doubt Carradine did either. However, he does his best. Chaney was well into the drinking-himself-to-death portion of his career. He hams gratuitously for the camera, smiling wickedly and staring with evil lust at the various girls on display. The little horns on his head are kind of cute. These are, to say the least, the most modest of pleasures. The two horror legends never directly interact. You'll have to watch “The Black Sleep” for that, a movie that's also quite lame but is still considerably better than this one. 

I genuinely do try and find the best in every movie I watch. I've sat through some dire stuff simply because an old monster movie guy was propped up through a scene or two. I've seen films that tested my patience more than “House of the Black Death,” I suppose. However, it is an hour and change stunningly devoid of value. Many pieces of interesting cinema have been dismissed because “nothing happens” within them. This is a genuine description of “House of the Black Death.” It “moves,” and therefore is a movie, only because live humans were recorded for it. If you swapped them out, even the esteemed Mr. Carradine and Chaney, with motionless cut-outs, the film would be fundamentally unchanged. I feel no hatred towards it, only indifference, perhaps the most damnable sin of all. [2/10]
 



The idea of Tim Burton being involved with some new version of “The Addams Family” is, to generalize, hack shit. To quote a sort of wise man, it's too obvious, a hat on a hat. This is so true that Burton had already been attached to a reboot of the property years before. However, the most obvious programming possible is what Netflix specializes in. This is presumably why the new series would revolve around Wednesday Addams. The upbeat, cheery little girl of the sixties sitcom has now been utterly eclipsed in pop culture by Christina Ricci's interpretation of her as an extremely sardonic, glaring, sadistic goth girl. Wednesday now exists more as a Halloween costume, the phenotype upon which a hundred OnlyFans providers have built their brand on, than as a character. Again, this made a show about her having adventures the most obvious choice. Nevertheless, none of this prevented Netflix's “Wednesday” from becoming a pop culture phenomena back in 2022, turning Jenna Ortega into a cult icon overnight. After watching the original “Addams Family” series over the last two years, I've decided to give this iteration a shot. 

And so I must grapple with the most ChatGPT-coded angle on “The Addams Family” you could imagine. In “Wednesday,” Gomez and Morticia's daughter has psychic powers. She has grim premonitions of the past and future upon touching someone, like she's in “The Dead Zone” or some shit. After filling her high school's swimming pool with piranhas to avenge Pugsley getting bullied, Wednesday is shifted off to Nevermore Academy. This is a private boarding school for monsters and freaks, which is where Gomez and Morticia met each other as teens. Meaning this premise is also “Harry Potter,” right down to the student body being sorted into four different groups. Wednesday's class mates include werewolves, sirens, gorgons, a telekinetic descendant of a witch hunter, and actual actual actual vampires. Having the Addamses exist along side literal monsters kind of defeats the purpose of them being the kookiest, spookiest family in town, does it not? Dropping Wednesday into Monster High is the definition of redundant. 

Again, the writers and producers of “Wednesday” were not inclined to resist the most obvious choices. This means that Wednesday's room mate is a perky and upbeat modern teenager, addicted to social media and prone to brightly colored accessories. This at least leads to the first episode's funniest moment, when Wednesday literally divides their room up. Another obvious writing choice here is to have Wednesday come into conflict with the local normies, which include the suspicious town sheriff. I was fine with this idea in the abstract until she started kung-fu fightin' some bullies. One of two way over-choreographed fight scenes here. I am less okay with the other choices here. The entire point of the Addams family is that they love and adore each other despite their outwardly morbid appearance. Here, Wednesday has teenage angst with her parents. She believes Gomez and Morticia are trying to turn her into a perfect copy of them and resents them for it. How trite. (Wednesday is also woke now, something I don't object on its face so much as it's difficult for me to imagine the Addams having an opinion on any modern political divides.)

I am trying my best to give this show a fair shot but, unfortunately, I can already see all the tendencies of streaming television that I despise at work. A dozen potential subplots, that can bounce back and forth over the next seven hours, are set up here. Despite her repeated insistence that she is not interested in such things, the first episode laboriously sets up multiple love interests for Wednesday. There's the straight-laced guy who works at the coffee shop, the handsome classmate with some connection to her, the skinny dweeb in the fencing class. Several rivals to lovers paths. There's implications about a dark family secret, connected to her parents' school days. Clearly, Wednesday's principal and court-mandated therapist are Up to Something. At least two potential villains with a grudge appear. There's a mystery to resolve too, a brutish beast with bulging Burton eyes introduced shortly before the credits roll. Such standard serialized drama elements is a rough fit for the farcical style of the Addams Family. How are characters such as these meant to function in a world where things like murder have actual legal consequences? 

The worst part of it all is the cast seems well chosen. At first, Jenna Ortega is doing a fairly straight impression of Ricci's work in the Sonnenfeld's films. However, as the hour goes on, she proves adapt with the kind of corny, morbid one-liners that made the original sitcom so much fun. Ricci herself is here, as is Riki Lindholm, and both seem like they fit in. While the verdict is still out on whether I agree with their characterization, I also like Luis Guzman and Catherine Zeta-Jones as Gomez and Morticia. At least their devotion to each other and their family is intact. Shifting the focus from the familial unit to one member being in a strange location changes the key interaction, in such a way that I find rather boring. In general, I found “Wednesday's Child is Full of Woe” quite boring. I'm going to try and stick it out for at least the first season but if the rest of the show is this bland, I'm going to skip season two. [4/10]


 
NBC Matinee Theater: The Fall of the House of Usher

I don't pay for regular television anymore and I know I'm not alone in that regard. From what I've gathered from sitting in waiting rooms, daytime television is now dominated mostly by chat programs, game shows, and endless reruns. Things have changed a lot since the mid-fifties, when NBC deemed daytime audiences so valuable a demographic that they invested in a pricey, daily anthology series, filmed in color and broadcast live. That would be “NBC Matinee Theater,” which run for 650 episodes over the course of three years, a number that seems improbable today.  The series has faded utterly into obscurity in the years since but a handful of notable episodes still float around online. Like a lot of early anthology programs, “Matinee Theater” often drew from classy literary sources for material. This usually precluded anything spooky or macabre but the series delved into the accepted canon of respectable horror stories from time to time. One example is a version of “The Fall of the House of Usher” that aired in August of 1956. 

Adapter Robert Esson and director Boris Sagel maintain the broad strokes of Poe's story. The protagonist, named David here, arrives at the crumbling family estate of his old school mate, Roderick Usher. Roderick is gripped by a powerful melancholy and a malady that makes him sensitive to all sights and sounds. He attributes this to a family curse that has driven every Usher before him mad. His sister, Madeline, is also quite ill and dies while David is visiting. You probably know what happens next. This “House of Usher” underplays the isolation of the story by adding more characters: A faithful family housekeeper, a doctor called in to tend to the sick Madeline, and a police constable. It also ventures outside the titular location into the near-by town for a scene, which I think tellings of this tale probably should not do. 

While the producers of “Matinee Theater” sought to save money where they could by utilizing small cast and limited staging, the best thing about this “Fall” is its set. We never see the exterior of the home in full. Only a creaky gate, a sign bearing the family name swinging ominously in the wind. Roderick's room has an overflowing book shelf, an ornate throne, a window waiting to be dramatically thrown open. The family tomb, a pivotal location in any version of this story, has the neat detail of a wall of caskets. The shot of Roderick and David descending into this inner most chamber, lit by candlelight, is a good one. The reading of “The Haunted Palace” also ranks among the episode's better moments. It's not much but I think the producers did an okay job of summoning some gothic ambiance with the set dressing that was afforded to them. 

Otherwise, the tone of this take on “Hosue of Usher” veers more towards the hokey and melodramatic. Tom Tryon, best known to me from “I Married a Monster from Outer Space,” plays Usher at maximum staginess, bellowing his cries of misery and putting all his feelings into the character's descriptions of his mental agony. Marshall Thompson as the protagonist is so straight-laced and blandly heroic as to appear out-of-place in this tale. Probably owing to its TV-bound roots, the darker suggestions within Poe's text are downplayed. Madeline is introduced clawing at the walls of her room, making the family madness as broad as possible, and all the subtext of incest and depravity is gone. The image of Madeline's arm rising from her newly interned sarcophagus reminded me too much of Disney World's Haunted Mansion. And then the episode revisits that visual about three more times. It comes across as fairly defanged and hammy. Considering there's a dozen other adaptations of this story out there, the “Matinee Theater” version counts as inessential. The show did most of the public domain horror standard greatest hits (plus an occasional deeper cut, like The Queen of Spades or The Bottle Imp) and one imagines they are of a similar pedigree as this: Serviceable but a bit weak sauce. [5/10]