Halloween 2026: September 30th

 

Predator: Badlands (2025)

By now, it's obvious that Dan Trachtenberg is a “Predator” fanboy. After “Prey” managed to reignite interest in the series, Disney basically gave him the keys to the alien big game hunter kingdom. He got to make a bigger budget sequel and a cartoon anthology spin-off, both of which continue to show how easily the “Predator” template can be combined with other story types. While allowing hardcore nerds to run an established franchise has had mixed results in the past, it seems to have worked out in this case. “Predator: Badlands” released last year to positive reviews and decent box office. While the internet outrage machine tried to brew some discontent around its increased role for female characters, it seems to me that fans mostly liked this one too. I saw it at the time and enjoyed myself but was too hung-over to write a proper review. While “Badlands” veers much more towards the science fiction and action side of the franchise's equation than horror, it's still got enough crazy monsters in it that I can bullshit its inclusion in the Halloween Horror-Fest Blog-a-thon. 

“Badlands” begins on the desolate home world of the mysterious warrior race. Dek is the youngest off-spring of a clan of Yautja warriors. Because this civilization abhors weakness, the runts of the litter are usually killed off. Dek's older brother, Kwei, spares him. Determined to prove his worth to the clan, Dek decides for his maiden hunt to track down a creature called the Kalisk. It resides on a highly dangerous planet known as Genna and is feared by even the mightiest hunters. Unfortunately, Dek's asshole dad arrives and kills Kwei, seconds after he sends his sibling off on this mission. After landing on Genna, Dek soon meets up with Thia, a humanoid android that has been cut in half. The two form an uneasy partnership, Dek eager to survive and claim his prize while Thia is curious about the alien. The quest to find and kill the Kaslisk is complicated by two things: Thia's “sister” is leading an expedition of evil Weyland-Yutani androids to exploit that planet's resources and they are right on the duo's tail. Secondly, the Kalisk proves harder to kill – and altogether more likable – than originally assumed. 

By now, Dan Trachtenberg's willingness to follow the lead of the old “Predator” comic books in his sequels are well established. “Prey” took the approach of dropping the alien hunter into a different time period and setting, which “Killer of Killers” than tripled-down on. That animated feature also brought the name “Yautja,” long used in the comics but never spoken on film before, into official canon. “Badlands” goes even further in this direction by doing something else the comics regularly did. It makes the monster the hero of the story. In fact, “Badlands” does more to expand the on-screen lore of the series than any prior installments. We see the Predator home world, learn its name, delve into the culture of this species, and hear a whole lot of its clicking, guttural language. Now, this brings with it certain gaps in logic that a whole library of comics and novels have happily filled up but a feature film doesn't have time to get into. How exactly does an alien civilization that bases its entire culture around manhood ritual style hunting trips, that cull the perceived “weakest” members of the family from the bloodline, ever survive long enough to achieve light-speed intergalactic travel? But don't think about it that hard. The point is, “Badlands” is the “Predator” series taking its own lore and history very seriously perhaps for the first actual time. 

While making the Predator the protagonist of the story is a new thing for the film series, “Badlands” still follows the established pattern of sticking this alien in a familiar genre framework. This time, it's an intergalactic take on a wilderness survival/coming-of-age story. Dek is a youth on the cusp of adulthood, eager to prove himself but inexperienced. He's thrust into the wild with few resources. He meets a girl and bonds with an animal. More specifically, this journey sees him rejecting the might-makes-right mentality he was raised in. He forges his own path, apart from what he's been taught. At times, I wonder if this makes the previously mysterious alien threat too familiar to the audience. Dek is by far the cuddliest Predator yet. He has a dry sense of humor. His status as the runt of the litter, so rejected by his family that his dad wants to kill him, makes him an immediate underdog the viewer can root for. The arc, of Thia's sunny disposition rubbing off on the gruff alien, is totally expected. Bud, the alien sidekick he gains, is clearly playing with the same “cute little alien” tropes as the Baby Yodas of the world. 

Despite the apparent hokiness of a lot of the familiar beats “Badlands” is utilizing, it all ends up working. Elle Fanning could play a role like this in her sleep, a Manic Android Dream Girl that is nevertheless extremely charming. (That she plays the character's evil twin also allows her a wider range.) How Dek slowly comes around to taking her advice is a natural, smooth way to show his development without belaboring the point too much. In other words, the viewer buys into the improbable link between these three unlikely characters. This is good, as the entire last act is dependent on caring about their interaction. While the right-wing types were fast to criticize this as a neutering of a bad-ass, classically masculine figure, rejecting your shitty parents in favor of your cooler, accepting friends and partner is a tale as old as time. 

As a sci-fi monster movie, “Badlands” is a lot of fun too. Genna is presented as a planet where everything can and will kill you. Even the grass is outfitted with razor sharp blades. The fauna is exotic, deadly, and aggressive. In execution, this amounts to the script setting up about a dozen beasts and death traps in the first act. All of this stuff comes back around for the finale, in a way that feels smooth and satisfying. The alien creatures on-display here are not especially novel. They follow the “Avatar” format of taking familiar Earth species and giving them a few extraterrestrial gimmicks. However, the way these set-ups interact with the familiar elements of the “Predator” franchise prove satisfying. The movie is CGI heavy, to the point of feeling nearly as animated as Trachtenberg's animated “Predator” movie. It's action sequences do not break any new ground, as far as mainstream blockbusters go. However, the fight choreography is strong throughout. There's a speed and precision to the combat that I enjoy. Not to mention a wacky sense of humor, present in an extended sequence involving Thia's lower body being separate from her top.

“Badlands” also lacks much of the harder gore that characterized the majority of “Predator” films before this. All of the bloodshed is alien-on-alien or alien-on-robot. Yes, that means this truly is the PG-13-ification of the franchise. However, I don't think that's so bad, at least not when the movie is as entertaining and smoothly constructed as this one. Dan Trachtenberg is clearly a talented guy, with a good handle on balancing satisfying fan expectations with an ability to construct entertaining set pieces. I don't want to see him making only “Predator” movies for the rest of his career but he's also clearly passionate about the series. I think “Prey” gave me a little more of what I want from a “Predator” movie but “Badlands” is doubtlessly a good time at the movies. [7/10]

 

 

The Shadowed Mind (1988)
 

Films made in Apartheid-era South Africa were, unsurprisingly, heavily scrutinized by the censors. Like everything else in the country, the industry was divided along racial, social lines. Any messages that could be perceived as critical of the government usually resulted in a ban. The same government also criminalized homosexuality, at least between men. Presumably, director Cedric Sundstrom and his crew were well aware that their 1988 film “The Shadowed Mind,” featuring openly gay and sympathetic characters, would not meet with federal approval. Sadly, an international audience would also be largely denied. The MPAA rated the picture NC-17, damning it to obscurity in the U.S., and its release didn't get far much anywhere else either. Severin put out a restored Blu-Ray of the film in 2022, its first time on disc ever, finally giving “The Shadowed Mind” the audience it was long denied. 

Stephanie arrives at an isolated, partially underground institute. The clinic is run by Dr. Dieter Hildesheimer and seeks to cure individuals with “sexual dysfunctions.” Stephanie, who has had a compulsion to show people her breasts since childhood, meets the other in-mates. There's a nymphomaniac, a victim of childhood abuse, a homosexual man, a fellow with serious arrested development and gender issues, and Paul. Paul is impotent but channels his sexual frustration into violent fantasies. He quickly becomes attracted to Stephanie, wondering if she's the girl to finally cure him. That's right around the time people start to be violently murdered around the facility. Dr. Hildesheimer covers up the deaths, to secure an in-coming grant, which only prolongs the actions of whoever the killer is. 

I don't know if clinics that specialize entirely in sexual hang-ups, and based out of partially underground warehouses, are a real thing. This is maybe the first clue that “The Shadowed Mind” is heading into surreal territory a  bit. The second clue is how the film looks. Cinematographer George Bartels and art director Ruth Strimling go all-in on making each shot as pretty and dreamy as possible. Each patients' individual rooms are full of flowing curtains, bright colors, artistic lighting, and significant props. The cast members are frequently positioned in wider shots like pieces of an art display. It's an extremely baroque style, every shot looking like it's out of a Duran Duran music video. It strays into the area of camp often, especially in the self-consciously erotic moments. A movie doesn't include a slow-mo, full frontal shower scene for its hunkiest actor without being a little ironic about it. However, I generally found “The Shadowed Mind” to be visually splendid. 

Obviously, such a grandiose visual approach is part of the film's thesis. “The Shadowed Mind” takes place in an underground facility because it takes place in the subconscious. Once the dead bodies start to pile up, that's why the professionals disguise the evidence. It's one more shameful, dark secret buried deep down within this place. Obviously, that territory is where the blurry area between sex and violence resides too. The murder scenes in the film, clearly giallo influenced, are no less stylized than the rest of the movie. The knife is stiletto-like in its length and, upon penetrating its victims, tends to leave a money shot of blood on the walls. The murder scenes often go hand-in-hand with sexual arousal, as if the knife being a symbolic dick couldn't be any more obvious. The overall archness of “The Shadowed Mind” certainly allows it to get away with stuff like this.

Like the giallo that clearly inspired it, “The Shadowed Mind” is also not a film that concerned with narrative coherence. The plotting is loose. This isn't much more than a series of character sketches piled atop each other, with the largely secondary thread of the murders tying them all together. Some of the sexual quirks based therapy sessions are more compelling than the others. Stephanie's fixation on flashing her boobs sure is curious. The sequence devoted to gender confusion, by the in-mate who is always carrying around a teddy bear, is probably the most sympathetically designed. However, the lady with repressed memories of childhood abuse is nothing but a sketch. As is the gay man lusting after Paul. In fact, Paul himself seems a bit undefined. If he's closeted, a psycho, a scared kid, or a horn-dog without an outlet seems to vary from scene-to-scene. In general, “The Shadowed Mind” can't seem to figure out if Stephanie or Paul is its protagonist. 

In other words, “The Shadowed Mind” is basically a giallo that's plotted like a slasher movie, all its quirky cast members existing primarily to be offed. That the movie received an NC-17 is especially laughable. There's two seconds of on-screen dong and I'm sure the love scenes exceed the allotted number of pelvic thrusts the pearl-clutchers at the MPAA tolerate. However, the sex scenes aren't truly any more graphic than a hundred other erotic thrillers that were deemed acceptable for wide commercial distribution. When exactly “The Shadowed Mind” was released state-side, I'm not sure. Some sources say 1993, a year after “Basic Instinct” flashed its crotch in multiplexes all over America. So this one getting harsher treatment than that once again displays the rating board's anti-queer bigotry. If given more of a proper release at the time, I'm certain “The Shadowed Mind” would've gained a cult following quickly. It's way too interesting, pretty, and amusing a motion picture not to, even if it's not as deep or perceptive as it wants to be. Sundstrom would go on to direct the third and fourth “American Ninjas,” which are also pretty gay but otherwise don't reflect the strong visual eye on display here. I would've liked to have seen more arty nonsense from him. [7/10]

 

TerrorVision: The Closet Monster

LifeTime was not, it may surprise you to hear this, always Television for Women. The channel was originally born out of a fusion of the Cable Health Network, which focused on health and medicine, and Daytime, a four-hour per day broadcast of “alternative programming for women.” What this meant is that, in its first four years, Lifetime featured a bunch of lame talk shows, medical documentaries, and re-runs. A new head of programming came aboard in 1988, eventually beginning the network's transformation into what it became. I guess there must have been a lot of dead air in-between shows and movies at that time though. Lifetime inexplicably debuted a horror anthology that year. “TerrorVision” was a super low budget collection of ten minute long short films, shot on video and designed to be nothing much but filler. It's probably the most obscure program I've yet written about but all the episodes are currently on Youtube, so let's give it a shot. 

Ethan is a kid who refuses to clean out his closet, much to his mother's annoyance. One night, while attempting to sleep, he hears strange noises coming from the closet. He announces to his parents that there's a monster living inside the alcove. Mom believes this is an excuse to avoid the chore but dad humors the kid, trying to encourage him to stand up to his imaginary monster. This does not resolve the issue, with Ethan eventually attacking his dad after mistaking him for the closet-dwelling creature. The boy is sent off to a therapist, leaving Mom alone in her son's bedroom, where she decides to personally investigate the closet situation.

“TerrorVision” is such a lo-fi production that I'm surprised it aired on a nationally broadcast station at all. The acting is mugging and awkward, especially from the lead child actor. His announcement of “there's a monster in my closet” is such a hypnotically bad line-reading. The musical score is composed of electronic burps. There's a neat enough first-person perspective shot of the boy going down the stairs but most of the framing is largely stationary and flat. There's potential in the narrative here, of a child not being believed by their parents when they should be. The moment when Ethan clubs his dad over the head with a bat, insisting he's killed the monster, feels like it's leading towards a meaningful twist. Instead, the story resolves itself by blandly revealing that the presented truth is, in fact, the truth. And to what end, other than a clumsy and ineffective attempt at a jump scare? Perhaps an utterly forgotten, ten minute long filler program was not designed to be probe to any degree. I guess the monster is kind of neat looking? [5/10]

Friday the 13th: The Series: Double Exposure
 

Sometimes, it has felt like the “Friday the 13th: The Series” writers had to get real creative to make that week's chosen Artifact of Doom into something that could murder a person. A tea cup or quilt does not strike most as threatening objects. While equally mundane, there's enough weird superstitions around photography that multiple films and TV episodes have been made about them. “Friday the 13th” still came up with a weird angle of their own. Newscaster Winston Knight has become a celebrity himself by reporting on a serial killer chopping people up in the area, the so-called Machete Murder. This is an example of the media creating the event and then reporting on it. Knight is in the possession of a magical Polaroid camera. When it snaps a photo of someone, it births a perfect physical copy of them, bound to do their bidding. Within twenty-four hours, the photograph must be burned – killing the double – or else the owner of the camera will perish instead. Knight has been using these duplicates to commit the killings he then reports on live, giving him an undebatable alibi. Ryan, currently enamored of a new girlfriend named Cathy, stumbles upon Knight's doppelganger committing a murder. This makes him, and his latest love, a target of the killer. 

It was only a matter of time. With both being low-budget horror TV shows, shot in Canada only a few years apart, “Friday the 13th: The Series” and “Forever Knight” were bound to share some cast members eventually. Three years before co-starring as the police pathologist in love with a vampire cop, Catherine Disher would appear here as “Cathy.” (And in an episode where another major character has the last name “Knight,” no less.) Despite the previous two episodes depicting Ryan breaking Amish because he loved a girl so much, he's already got himself a new girlfriend that he seems quite close to. Much like Nick Knight and Natalie Lambert, Ryan and Cathy's love is doomed. Ryan even makes the observation that the relationships on this show always seem to end badly. Disher is an appealing performer and actually has decent chemistry with John D. Le May, making me wish they didn't kill her off half-way through the episode. They are certainly a more believable couple than him and the Reverend's daughter. 

While it still doesn't have anything to do with Jason Voorhees, “Double Exposure” does feature people being murdered with a machete. This is actually not the freakiest horror content in this episode. Instead, the mechanics of the duplicating camera are quite slimy. When the photo is put in the developing dish, it bubbles and smokes, producing an embryonic human form that slowly takes on the features of its house. This logic is followed through in the climax, when one of the “dupes” gets a hand chopped off and bleeds only developing fluid instead. It's a weird, gnarly special effect and goes a long way to making this episode memorable. Winston Knight also makes for a decent villain, playing up our innate tendency to not trust new caster. There's also something to how his duplicate longs to be a full-fledged human being. Are the copies some sort of manifestation of the Jungian shadow, repressed needs seeking personhood? I doubt anyone writing the episode thought that deeply on it but it's an interesting idea. This is a good one. [7/10]

Halloween 2026: September 29th

 

Coherence (2013)
 

Among the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” cast members, Nicholas Brendon did not have the best post-show career. One can only assume that his well publicized personal problems effected his ability to book steady gigs. Presumably, his related substance abuse issues contributed to his untimely passing earlier this year, at the age of only 54. Though it has become popular to hate on the character, Xander was always one of my faves. Brendon's way with dialogue and easy-going presence was a big reason why. I wanted to honor his memory by watching a film featuring the guy this season. While the temptation to critically re-evaluate “Pinata: Survival Island” was there, I decided to look at the probable high-light of his film career. That would be 2013's “Coherence,” a micro-budget sci-fi indie that got stellar reviews upon release and continues to make brains itchy to this day. 

In the sky, Miller's Comet makes a rare close-pass by Earth. Eight old friends gather at the home of Mike and Lee for a dinner. Emily's cell phone screen shatters as she's talking to boyfriend, Kevin, who is also attending. Two other couples – Hugh and Beth, Amir and Laurie (who used to date Kevin) – also soon show up. What starts out as a casual dinner takes a strange turn when the power mysteriously goes out. A trip outside shows that the entire neighborhood has gone black, save for one house... A house that looks a lot like Mike and Lee's, with a table set for eight inside. Hugh's brother is a physicist and instructed him to call, if “anything strange” happens. That sets up the clear realization that the comet passing overhead has opened up a gateway between alternate realities. The house guests soon begin to question from which realities each of them have originated and the mechanics of the situation they are in. Inevitably, things take a deadly turn.

Films that are described as brain teasers, those motion pictures that present Big Ideas within the context of complex plots, cause me to think of the opening line of Demi Adejuyigbe's Letterboxd write-up of “I'm Thinking of Ending Things.” “Too dumb to understand this.” “Coherence” is not quite as convoluted or layered in its plotting as that film or “Primer,” the other indie sci-fi success it's most often compared to. However, this is still a motion picture that takes its time to explain what quantum coherence is. (Though incorrectly.) The thought experiment of Schrodinger's Cat is brought up multiple times. The film doesn't merely use the concept of alternate realities as a starting point, like most stories concerning the subject does. It sets out to deliberately confuse the audience. The viewer is meant to be as jumbled up and uncertain about what is happening as the characters are. I also suspect that the viewer is meant to catch on to how this works around the same time the characters do. That moment never came to me. The mechanics of “Coherence's” multiverse alluded me. The way it is determined who is from w hat reality or when the switch might have taken place went over my head. I'm not a total idiot. I get that the image in the night sky of the comet breaking into countless pieces represents the infinite directions our life can go in. Nevertheless, I was still stumped by much of this.

The somewhat confusing nature of “Coherence's” script was probably a result of how the movie was made. The film was born of director James Ward Byrkit, a storyboard artist and frequent collaborator of Gore Verbinski, hoping to make a feature as cheaply as possible by shooting within his own home. He had the actors improvise much of their dialogue and many of the scenes, so that the story remained unpredictable. The narrative was then largely assembled through editing, allegedly involving a number of flow charts. It's an interesting approach to filmmaking and I admire Byrkit's chutzpah. However, through it all, maybe he should've worked on defining his characters more. The cast of “Coherence” never quite emerge as individuals to me. When it's actually part of the plot that people can shift personalities or traits from scene-to-scene, it's hard for the audience to say who any of these folks. Trying to figure out their interpersonal entanglements did not always hook me. Too often, “Coherence” amounts to one of my least favorite genre film tropes: Characters picking a moment of crisis to argue about, rehash, or escalate into screaming arguments over petty disagreements and years old resentments. 

While I definitely am dumb, I was able to get a general idea of what “Coherence's” thematic concerns are. Clearly, this is a rumination on the nature of fate. As the different versions of these characters come and go, the little ways in which they are different are reflected on. The only thing separating one version of someone from another is a small selection of choices. What object they put in a box, what number they associated with themselves. At the same time, these minor choices have clearly had an influence on their entire lives. Which presents a frightening possibility: We have no control over our own existences. The choices we make are random, determined not by ourselves but by chance. Therefore, the paths are lives take occur without any input from us. The people we are results from how the dice fall, not from what we do. I think most of us have struggled with this feeling, that the entire universe and our role in it is complete happenstance. “Coherence” comes the closest to meaningfully touching on this idea near its climax. That's when the apparent main character attempts to choose a better life for themselves from a sprawling web of alternate realities. Who hasn't fantasized about that, of a slightly better version of our own lives? Of a version of us that would be happy and successful, if only a few things had gone differently? 

I guess what I'm saying is... I can clearly see that “Coherence” is clever. I like the way it approaches big ideas within the context of a small, simple location. Approaching cosmic horror from this direction, one that threatens to make us go mad by encountering ideas at the edge of scientific comprehension, is probably a more thoughtful approach than just throwing some tentacles and eldritch abominations on-screen. At the same time, the central gimmick of “Coherence” defeats itself a bit. Eight characters is too many to easily track of, much less keep straight in a tumble of possible worlds. Still, there's plenty to admire here. And as an ode to Nicholas Brendon, it's a good one. His role clearly seems to nod towards his own run-ins with alcoholism, while still displaying the incredible charm and verve he had. I'm gonna miss that guy, much the same way I'll miss all the better worlds I could be living in if my choices had been improved. [6/10]
 

Crocodile (1979)

Chorakhe

"Jaws" had a massive impact on the world of cinema. And I do mean the "world." How much of a global success Spielberg's shark thriller was is evident in the wide range of rip-offs that emerged from various far away locations. The Italians, naturally, went hog-wild but filmmakers from Spain, Japan, Australia, India, Mexico, Turkey, Brazil and Greece also threw their hats into the pool. A popular tactic for "Jaws" knock-offs was to simply replace a shark with another water-dwelling predator. Surely, no one will notice the suspicious similarities to a mega-popular blockbuster if it's a movie about an octopus, an orca, a barracuda, piranha, a manta ray, aqua Nazis, and sometimes a bear or a car. The second most cinematic semi-aquatic muncher of limbs is, naturally, the order of Crocodilia. To the point that gator and croc movies form their own subgenre. In 1978, some lunatics in Asia got together to make the first "Jaws" rip-off with a crocodile. "Crocodile Fangs" was directed by Korean filmmaker Lee Won-se in Thailand with a cross-continental cast. The film was then re-edited by notorious Thai filmmaker Sompote Sands, who mixed in more footage from other Thai productions. This version was then dubbed and further recut by American producer Dick Randall to create the motion picture now known as simply "Crocodile." While the original Korean cut is lost, the various international versions survive to be enjoyed by trash devotees all over the world. 

An earthquake rocks Thailand, resulting in a radioactive explosion of some sort. Or possibly the other way around. Whatever the order of events, the result is an ordinary crocodile is mutated to extraordinary size. It begins to terrorize the area, eating swimmers at a near-by beach, disrupting the water buffalo population, causing water spouts, and destroying entire water-front communities. Among the victims are the wives and daughter of Tony and John, two doctors. They meet up with each other and become determined to seek revenge on the oversized reptile. They are joined in their quest by two men: Eccentric fisherman Tanaka and nosy photographer Peter. By using crocodile pheromones, they lure the creature out into the open ocean, where they hope to destroy it... Unless it destroys them first. 

Probably the most immediately noticeable thing about “Crocodile” is the sheer lack of interest in consistently portraying the size and details of things. While this is noticeable during the opening earthquake sequence – stock footage from a film called “Land of Grief” – it is impossible to ignore whenever the crocodile itself is the focus. Footage of an actual, living crocodile gives the impression that it's not that much bigger than a typical specimen. A large prop of its head, sometimes with green or glowing orange eyes, is big enough to bite a crunch on a child or bite a person in half. This is extremely large but within the realm of possibility, as far as recorded crocodilian size goes. Other times, the crocodile is a fuckin' kaiju, crushing boats and devastating entire buildings. This is achieved through putting a real croc alongside miniature reproductions of the locations or using several puppets, all of which look different from each other. 

The result is, to say the least, far from convincing. In fact, “Crocodile” is rather hilariously sloppy in all the ways it's put together. The editing is blunt, scenes slamming into each other with little warning. The miniatures and props are often hysterically fake looking, such as the repeated moments when children's dolls are subbed in for human beings. On a narrative level, “Crocodile” is even more chopped up and slapped together. Characters are introduced suddenly. Certain narratives directions, like who this person is or what exactly their link is to each other, are never clarified. The dialogue is utterly inane. The film often plays like an assemblage of random elements that were popular around that time. A little disaster movie here, kaiju movie mayhem, and random scenes of people swimming or on motorcycles are slapped atop a blatant emulation of the last act of “Jaws.” One of the ingredients of the film is a skin flick too. There's two tracking shots of a woman's ass, one of which concludes with her stripping down. A steamy love scene is quickly followed up with a crocodile attack, in which the camera seems to zoom in on the actress' bikini bottom.

If I'm making it sound like I didn't enjoy all of the above, I apologize for giving that impression. Yes, “Crocodile” is a barely coherent mishmash of random scenes and plot, rolling along without any clear purpose and little clarity. It's also full of insane shit that made me laugh out loud. The city attack scenes is sprung on the viewer so suddenly, and is such a wild blur of violence and unconvincing special effects, that it left me speechless. One of the schemes used to try and stop the crocodile involves putting a giant, “Looney Tunes” style bear trap at the bottom of the river. Which the croc then launches through the air, slicing through several trees. The Quint-like character is introduced wearing suspenders over his bare chest, so that his screamin' eagle tattoo can be seen. The film begins with a solemn voice-over about how man has tried to destroy nature, how nature will strike back, and how all these things may happen some day. By the time the monster is blowing up in the last reel, it's merely the cherry atop this sundae of sleazy, hyper-gory, completely senseless, grindhouse chaos. 

Among those sleazy elements is a scene in which an actual crocodile is dissected on-screen, because what's a seventies/early eighties overseas exploitation movie without a little casual animal cruelty? I read there was more real crocodile gore in the original cut, one of the elements toned down for the international release. That's a good thing, because a moment of such unfortunate actual violence really puts a damper on the hazy, messy, coked-out, and highly entertaining trash pile that is “Crocodile.” I'm sure the proud film industry of Thailand would not be happy to be represented by such unabashed schlock as this. However, sometimes you need to watch a gloriously vulgar collection of insane bullshit to ground yourself as a long time monster movie fan. In other words, I can in no way recommend “Crocodile” based on any merits aside from the fact that it's incredibly, consistently entertaining. Fast forward through the IRL croc slaughter and watch with a beer and/or bong near-by. [7/10]

Dramarama: Snap
 

I've already mentioned this year that anthology programs used to be an institution on British television, every network having several of their own at any given time. Programs presenting stand alone stories were not only popular with the adults either. A number of children-targeted shows of this type aired in the U.K. through the seventies and eighties. "Dramarama" was made for ITV, though each episode was a production of a regional arm of the corporation. It began life in 1983 as "Spooky," telling primarily kid-friendly horror tales, before an inclusion of more whimsical or sci-fi stories prompted a title change in the second series. "Dramarama" still presented a ghost story from time to time though. A notable example is "Snap," from the fifth and final season, which has recently drawn attention from scholars of the currently trendy folk horror classification. 

The story concerns Peter, a young lad given the school assignment of hiking across Romney Marsh Swamp and snapping photographs as he goes. He argues with his dad on the drive down before spotting a mysterious, hooded hitchhiker alongside the road. After getting dropped off, he begins his march, taking photos as he goes... Without noticing that the same hooded hitchhiker is never far behind him. After stopping in an old church being renovated and having some lunch inside an abandoned train car, Peter's distinctive yellow slicker and Instamatic have been stolen. The thief has left behind their saggy, wet robe instead. Peter takes chase after the intruder, beginning a frightening night. 

It's difficult to imagine any modern school encouraging a child to wander across a frequently empty stretch of land, much less assigning it. It's also difficult to imagine a modern children's program airing a presentation as intentionally vague and creepy as "Snap." The episode tells us little about the boy. His interest in photography and inability to connect with his practical, trucker dad suggests he's the sensitive, artistic type. He certainly seems to be in a world of his own a bit, unaware that his presence is bothering the team working on the old church building. Similarly, the nature of whatever supernatural incident he's stumbled into is never elaborated on. Once the ghostly hitchhiker swaps their jackets, I began to pick up on the suggestion that this is some sort of changeling situation. The threat is an otherworldly doppelganger, taking the boy's place and leaving him stranded in some limbo state. But “Snap” doesn't elaborate on any of that. Closest we get to an answer is the ghostly double imploring Peter to “let him in,” the meaning of which is uncertain.

These are not complaints. I actually enjoy how much of “Snap” suggests, rather than explains. In only twenty-four minutes, the episode manages to capture a rather creepy ambiance by existing largely in the realm of the implied. More than a few scenes feel like a dream. Such as when he finds the ghostly boy in the slicker, swinging a billhook threateningly by a fireplace. Peter's snapshots appear on-screen, another artsy touch. At least once, the obscure figure appears in these photos, the kind of creepy tactics filmmakers are still using to this day. This pairs with the typically desolate English landscape. When paired with the scarecrow that shows up a few times – surely a shout-out to Dr. Syn, Alias the Scarecrow? – and an uncredited Tom Baker reading a bit from “Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner” at the beginning and end, the conclusion that this is another story about modern life accidentally encountering ancient worlds is unavoidable. Only a somewhat distracting musical score and the copy on Youtube being almost unwatchably dark at times sapped my enjoyment of “Snap,' which is so good that I can hardly believe it was made for the eight-to-twelve crowd. [8/10]

 

Friday the 13th: The Series: The Quilt of Hator: The Awakening

Here's another reason for me to resent the highly serialized nature of modern television: Kids today no longer know the simple joys of the two-parter, when a regular installment ended on a cliffhanger and a premise ran longer than a mere hour. Frank Mancuso Jr. must have paid a lot for that custom quilt because “The Quilt of Hathor” was a story too big for one episode. (Which also resulted in that hilarious awkward naming format above. How many colons can you squeeze into one title?) “The Awakening” picks up with Ryan, still insisting that he's a Pentitite solely in the hopes he can get into Laura Granges' linen prairie dress. After a member of the community informs him that Effie Stokes is still in possession of the cursed quilt, that Micki left town with a copy, the old lady mysteriously dies. Reverend Grange is under pressure to find himself a wife and, finally putting things together, secretly marries Effie... Not because he wants to lock the evil quilt up but because he hopes to use it against his own enemies. Naturally, he pins the in-coming murders on Ryan, the outsider making goo-goo eyes at his daughter. 

My main takeaway from this episode? Scott Paulin plays Reverend Grange. He's a character actor who has been in a bunch of stuff, ranging from the asshole in “Teen Wolf” to the Red Skull in the supposedly secretly great Albert Pyun “Captain America” movie. With the mutton chops, beard, and simple black clothes in this episode, he looks like an insane Abraham Lincoln. He bulges his eyes out in indignation when one of the community elders suggest he find himself a wife already, as if he hasn't become a widower twice over in the last two weeks. Once he gets the power of the evil quilt – now that's a funny sentence, isn't it – his performance goes further over the type. By the time of the finale, the character has graduated fully to scheming super-villain. This is the pride that goeth before the literal fall. By which I mean Reverend Granges suffers a very silly final fate. That moment is a capper on a rather silly episode, which also includes someone clownishly threatened with a barbecue fork.

That moment occurs before a rather graphic eye gouging, which I guess speaks to the weird back-and-forth in this show. Generally, it's hard to take the stakes here too seriously. Not because an evil quilt is silly. That's no sillier than any of the other Artifacts of Doom. It's more that we don't believe for a minute that Ryan is actually going to abandon his main mission for some random lady. I don't think deciding to become Amish in your thirties is a thing that happens very often. The crux of the episode's most dramatic moment, when the Reverend's deception is revealed before a crowd, also comes from this minor guest star and not one of the main cast members. Makes that less powerful, you know? I do like the sight of Ryan strung-up and about to be burned at the stake. That was a fun image. Also, who decided to name the evil murder quilt after the Egyptian cow goddess of motherhood and fertility? [6/10]

Halloween 2026: September 28th

 

Kraken (2025)
Кракен

In my previous post, I wrote about a very specific type of motion picture: A giant monster movie, from a European country that you don't usually associate with giant monster movies, that is both about and entitled “Kraken,” which received a North American digital release within the last year. Today, I am also writing about a giant monster movie, from a European country that you don't usually associate with giant monster movies, that is both about and entitled “Kraken,” and received a North American digital release within the last year. Yes, by some improbable coincidence, about a year before Norway's big budget “Kraken” movie came out, the Russian film industry would also release a big budget “Kraken” movie. I actually mistook this film for the Norwegian one when the title first popped up on streaming. Upon realizing we had dueling Euro-Trash “Kraken” blockbusters, I knew I had to watch both. This “Kraken” was directed by Nikolai Lebedev, who previously directed what was the most expensive Russian movie at the time as well as a home-grown disaster flick. Once again, it's clear that filmmakers across the Atlantic are trying to create their own Hollywood-style spectacle. 

Near the North Pole, a Swedish geology team is performing tests with explosive charges. The experiments seem to have awoken something. Researchers Julia and Oskar barely escape their compound as it is pulled under the ice. A Russian submarine carrying a top-secret weapon, led by Captain Alexander Voronin, responds to their emergency signal. That is before the sub also goes dark. A second sub is launched to find and destroy the device the other ship was carrying. This mission is led by another Captain Voronin, Viktor, Alexander's little brother. Due to the personal nature of the mission, an Admiral Olshansky is also dispatched to keep an eye on Viktor. While the vessel is rescuing Julia and Oskar, they detect something large and hostile on their radar. Yes, it is the Kraken of legend. The beast is real and it is angry, destroying an oil rig right before the submarine's sensors. Despite the danger, Viktor continues on the mission to locate the missing sub, in the unlikely hope that his brother might still be alive. 

While the two “Krakens” might be easily confused at a glance, they do take very different approaches to the premise. Pål Øie's "Kraken" follows the structure of a standard monster movie, with mysterious sightings and disappearance leading up to the giant beastie's attack. Lebedev's film is much more of a military thriller. There are so many scenes of guys within the cramped interiors of a submarine, rushing from one monitor to another, shouting orders at each other. I would say such sequences occupy the majority of "Kraken's" two hour and fourteen minute runtime. I've heard that big budget Russian movies these days tend to be pro-military agitprop. (Which is not too surprising, considering the current political direction of the nation. I know the U.S. military only assists Hollywood productions if they have approval over the script and I imagine the situation is similar in Russia right now.) The film amusingly features almost no female characters, as it is largely absorbed in the world of serious uniformed guys doing serious military business. Occasionally, the claustrophobic nature of submarining is used for a novel – never suspenseful but interesting – moment. Such as when a smaller, research sub is deployed to explore a deep sea graveyard of sunken ships. However, "Kraken" proves disappointingly stately and dry in its focus on militaristic authority. A lot of this motion picture is devoted to Russian seaman tersely talking and arguing among themselves about what they may or may not be doing at any given moment. 

The presentation is almost suffocating in its stiffness. The musical score is largely composed of classical sounding compositions, heavy and ominous, that maintain the impression you are watching a march-like presentation. The film cannot be critical of the military in any way, which would disrupt its purpose as propaganda. A little bit of conflict arises between Viktor and Olshansky, over who is more worthy to lead the mission. Viktor is, of course, the best soldier for this job, which makes any tension between him and the other officer ineffective. Realizing that's a dead end, the script often focuses on the relationship between the Voronin brothers. Viktor has often felt in the shadow of his big brother, who has also been absent for most of his life. It feels like entirely inessential melodrama, inserted to give the story some depth but not well-formed enough to actually compel in any way. Furthering the purpose of the film, this being a family affair for Viktor makes him a better officer. Serving Glorious Mother Russia is in his blood. 

All the droll submarine shenanigans and maudlin brotherly conflict raises a big question: Isn't this a movie about a giant sea monster? We are nearly an hour into the movie before the enormous tentacles of the Kraken slither on-screen. While I would say the quality of CGI here trails behind the Norwegian production a bit. A scene featuring a pod of whales has the shakiest effects. The big-ass cephalopod still looks neat. A sequence where it destroys an oil rig is the best in the film. When emphasizing the huge eyes or scale of the beast, "Kraken" almost becomes an effective kaiju movie. Unfortunately, this takes up a small percentage of the film. You can tell that "Kraken" is not so concerned with the kraken, as it continues on for a bit after the monster is defeated. You would think a leviathan squid destroying huge structures and chasing the submarine would be dramatic enough. Instead, the film tries to drive tension from its characters, from the inter-officer conflict and concerns over whether the researchers can be trusted or not, but the characters are too one-note that to work at all.

The result is a film that is largely inert. The pacing is glacial, the script so consumed by the stakes of its military arguments and standard arc for the brothers that the movie rarely feels like it's moving. Why isn't a movie called "Kraken" more about a kraken reeking havoc? I guess that would, once again, conflict with the movie's purpose to make the Russian Navy look professional and powerful. At least Michael Bay movies and "Top Gun" have scenes of the U.S. military doing cool shit or explosions or something. "Kraken" is too stately and confined for that. I am always reluctant to declare a movie "boring," as this criticism usually points towards an unwillingness to engage with a film on its own level. But, damn, "Kraken" is fucking boring. About five minutes of the tentacled giant looking threatening or dragging something under the water does not justify how hard I was fighting sleep through this one. If this is any indication, Nikolai Lebedev and his team and presumably government overseers have a lot to learn about making an extended advertisement for the Russian military entertaining, much less a thrilling or fun giant monster movie. [4/10]

Terror-Creatures from the Grave (1965)
5 tombe per un medium

Recently, I was listening to an interview with prolific film journalist, author, interviewer, historian, life-long monster kid and all-around character David Del Valle. Mr. Del Valle is also a former agent and long time friend of Barbara Steele. Among the Dame Steele stories Del Valle shared was an anecdote about how she briefly dated J. Michael Muro, the director of "Street Trash," and was horrified by the script for that film. He capped the tidbit off by saying she is "such a snob." The evidence seems to bear this out. Among her on-and-off reluctance to discuss her horror films over the years, we also have the recollection of filmmaker Massimo Pupillo. He directed Babs in "Terror-Creatures from the Grave" and claims Steele was a total diva on-set, until he berated her before the entire cast and crew.  Well, whatever actually happened and whether Mr. Pupillo was justified in his rant, Steele never let her frustration with her career ever show on-screen. "Terror-Creatures from the Grave," "5 tombe per un medium" in the original Italian, is another gothic chiller that the star brought her particular presence to, totally professionally. 

Attorney Albert Kovac is summoned to the small town of Breggoville, to the estate of Jeronimus Hauff. Upon arriving at the glowering mansion, he learns that Hauff actually died one year ago under mysterious circumstances. Breggoville was the site of a hideous plague centuries before, supposedly intentionally spread by five warlocks. Jeronimus was obsessed with the legend and amassed a wide collection of artifacts related to the tale. His widow, Clio, has little positive to say about her deceased husband. She is among the five people, stipulated in Jeronimus' will, to be present as his body is relocated a year after his death. Anthony stays behind to get to the bottom of this. (Also because he's been charmed by Corrine, Hauff's beautiful daughter.) A curse on the land is often spoken of and people begin to die mysteriously around the mansion, causing suspicion that Jeronimus has returned from the grave to seek revenge on those who wronged him in life. 

Owing to all of them imitating Bava's "Black Sunday," any sixties Italian horror flick with Steele can be counted on for some voluptuous ambiance. This is the sole horror credit of cinematographer Carlo Di Palma, better known for photographing films by Antonioni and Woody Allen. I'm guessing he'd prefer classier fare too but, like Miss Steele, any reluctance is not apparent in the work itself. “Terror-Creatures from the Grave” looks great. Many of the courtyards and cemeteries are thick with fog along the ground. The castle is decorated with shadows, often crossing the performer's faces. Di Palma's camera work brings along some of that Bava-esque smooth camera movements and stylized angles. A shot staring up out of an empty grave is a highlight, as is a moment when some tomb lids slide off on their own. 

“Terror-Creatures” is also notable for being a little bloodier and sexier than Steele's other Italian gothics. The central image of the film are the five hands of the plague spreaders, cleaved off and mummified and now displayed on a wall. The specific of what this disease was are never mentioned but it seems to leave great, weeping wounds on the face and body. The opening scene lingers the effects of a horse stepping on a man's face. Another memorable moment has a man in a wheel chair creatively taking his own life, which goes so far as to feature some unspooling intestines in the aftermath. This film also features, for the perverts in the audience, the closest Barbara Steele ever came to actual nudity, via a bath scene. This is shortly followed up with what is surely one of her more extended sex scenes as well, though nothing much is shown. I mention this because I am a thorough reviewer, of course. 

Steele actually doesn't have nearly as much to do in the film as would've benefited her icy stare and otherworldly presence. As the bitchy widower of a clearly dickish man, she does get to queen it up nicely in a few scenes. Her character is, in easily the most obvious reveal in the film, partially responsible for her husband's death as a result of her lascivious affair being discovered. This is in contrast to Mirella Maravidi as the daughter, who is such a naive innocent that she borders on the childish at times. It's a clear example of the Madonna/Whore dichotomy, the hero running off with the sweet, virginal lass while the shrewish, unfaithful older woman is punished for her crimes. To be fair, most of the characters in “Terror-Creatures” aren't that likable or fleshed-out. Walter Brandi, as Albert, spends most of the film denying anything supernatural is happening. This is supported by a very bored sounding voice-over. 

For a while, I was wondering if “Terror-Creatures” would end up pulling a gaslighting style plot. Perhaps Jeronimus only faked his death as a predecessor to flushing out his enemies and philandering wife? The uncertainty over his exact fate, as in a scene where someone seems to see him sitting in a chair before he vanishes, pairs with a detective storyline that suggests such an ending. Instead, the film does bend towards witchcraft and some actually creatures from the grave  eventually. How terrifying they are is debatable. In fact, the evil spirits never appear on-screen, operating only as ghostly voices and invisible forces. Perhaps that is why the film ups the flesh and blood, to compensate for the lack of actual monsters. 

 

Despite being mid-tier Steele, owing to the drippy lead, mediocre script, and fewer freakies, I still enjoyed myself with “Terror-Creatures.” What can I say, I'm a slut for some black-and-white gothic atmosphere. Another amusing element of the film is that, the opening credits make the claim that it's based on an Edgar Allan Poe story. I guess, if you squint, you can see traces of “Masque of the Red Death” or “Fall of the House of Usher” here, with the emphasis on the plague and the story of a guy traveling to a far-away, doomed abode. At least “Castle of Blood” actually made Poe a character in its story to justify putting his name in the credits. All in all, there's enough shadowy ambiance, one or two spooky moments, and enough moments of Steele glaring with those saucer eyes of her to justify the 83 minutes I spent watching it. Snob or not, nobody could glare like her! [7/10]

 

Unsolved Mysteries: Season 1, Episode 11

The Satanic Panic of the eighties and early nineties remains a topic of fascination for a lot of people. Partially because, in retrospect, it is so laughably obvious as an example of mass hysteria. Also because it never really ended, the exact same rhetoric that was used to accuse daycare center owners of summoning Satanic Chuck Norris in the eighties now simply shift to whatever target of scorn the right-wing is mad at this week. (Usually immigrants and queer people.) Programs like “Unsolved Mysteries” probably deserve some of the blame. For stoking fears around the utterly unfounded belief that Satanic cults were roaming American small towns. Or that harmless hobbies, like heavy metal or horror movies, came with diabolic influence. The show was making that connection as early as its first season. 

The third segment concerns the death of Kurt McFall, a seventeen year old kid from Simi Valley, California. Kurt had been getting into Dungeons and Dragon, medieval reenactment, and pagan religion. While staying at a friend’s house, he allegedly went out into the middle of the night, saying he couldn’t sleep and was overheated. The next morning, his body was found dead at the bottom of an ocean-side cliff. He had not drowned and had died from impact trauma. The implication seems to be that he fell to his death. His father, Tom, claims he got a phone call earlier that night. Saying that Kurt had become involved in a Satanic cult, that he “knew too much,” and was trying to escape the group. He also found some edgy drawings and witchy knickknacks in the boy’s room. This is basically the entire basis of Mr. McFall’s belief that his son was murdered. “Unsolved Mysteries” does track down an unidentified speaker, a supposed friend of Kurt’s that was in this cult with him, but that’s it. 

In other words, this “Unsolved Mysteries” segment does a good job of illustrating how the Satanic Panic worked in many cases. I don’t believe Tom McFall was acting with any malice when he made these claims. He says that the beer bottles around Kurt’s car must have been planted, as his son didn’t drink. Because teenagers are always honest with their parents about their alcohol in-take. He finds some gory pictures in his son’s room alarming, when that sounds like pretty normal behavior for nerdy teen boys to me. He tries to paint the pagan circle the kid was involved with as sinister, when they just look like dorky guys taking on Welsh names and doing some vintage prayers. The unexpected death of your child, at such a young age, is an awful burden for any parent. A random accident leading to his boy’s premature end is a chaotic, shitty bit of happenstance. In his grief, Tom McFall looked for patterns to explain his loss. He landed on the, by then well publicized, trend of D&D and devil-worshiping luring young men into sinister territories. As for that phone call the dad claims he received? Or the testimonial of the friend? Who is to say but it is easy to imagine that, while reeling from the loss of your child or friend, your mind can convince itself all sorts of memories happened. 

The unreliable quality of memory and parents, perhaps, not knowing their kids as well as they hoped are reoccurring trends in this episode. The first segment concerns a seventeen year old girl, secretly dating an older man who had gotten her pregnant, being involved with the murder of a co-worker.  The second follows a man locked up for a robbery, despite numerous witnesses that he was at home during that time. A cop claiming he saw the guy roughly right after the robbery occurred and the testimonial of someone who had never met the man before convinced the jury. Meanwhile, a cop in the first case believes that the teenage girl, groomed and manipulated by a dirt bag, is just as guilty of murder as her partner. Kind of makes the police look bad, ya know! Anyway, this “Unsolved Mystery” is an interesting time capsule more than anything else. Though there are some good shots of Robert Stack wandering spooky woods in a trench coat. [6/10]

Friday the 13th: The Series: The Quilt of Hathor
 

For some reason I have not been able to decipher, basic cable programing became fascinated with the Amish sometime last decade. Increasingly bullshitty reality shows would soon spawn trashy TV movies with hilarious titles like “Amish Stud” and “Stalked by My Amish Boyfriend.” So-called Amishsploitation is not an altogether recent phenomenon. Genre films and television periodically remember that we've got whole communities of weird, quasi-agrarian, religious cults in this country. Like Wes Craven's “Deadly Blessing” before it, “Friday the 13th: The Series” doesn't actually call its clearly Amish-coded group by that name. Instead, “The Quilt of Hathor” is set among the Pentitites. Micki and Ryan arrive in the village looking for a cursed quilt, which allows the holder to murder others through their dreams. A woman named Effie Stokes is using the quilt to bump off any woman that expresses romantic interest in the village's leader, Josiah Grange. As the duo are snooping around the town, Ryan starts to fall in love with Laura, Josiah's daughter. 

Amishsploitation tends to focus on the most outwardly unusual aspects of Amish society. Ya know, the horse and buggies and hats and black clothes and barn raising and old-timey speaks and all that. This ignores the actual sinister thing about communities like this: All the child abuse and a culture designed to silence anyone who speaks up about it. “The Quilt of Hathor” almost hints at this. The very first scene has Josiah attempting to court a barely legal young woman. Rather than comment on the sketchiness of the community leader deciding the teenage girl should be his bride, this is merely a set-up for the episode's Villain of the Week. Effie Stokes, identified as “plain” and ignored by Grange, uses the titular Cursed Artifact to murder her romantic rivals. This happens with startlingly frequency, as Josiah happily moves onto who ever is next in line after his last would-be spouse dies mysteriously. This unwittingly paints the man as either incredibly stupid or unforgivably evil. Considering the same town outright acknowledges that they arrange marriage for kids as young as eight, I'm leaning more towards the latter.

Of course, “Friday the 13th” wasn't that kind of show. Instead, it simply uses the setting for novelty. Micki and Ryan go “undercover” in the community but barely try at all. It's about five minutes after meeting her that Ryan falls for Laura, beginning to court her immediately. This makes his cliffhanger providing declaration of love hard to swallow. We expect this guy to abandon his modern lifestyle for the Pentitite way when he can't be bother to observe any of the rules up to that point? Micki is upset by the announcement and, inevitably, it plays as a romantic rejection. She insists that she's only upset because she doesn't want to hunt down all these evil doodads with just Jack to help. However, her argument turns towards cries of “but what about all the time we've spent together?” very quickly. These two cousins should go ahead and kiss already. I'm sure the Amish are okay with that too.

As for the horror elements, they are quite silly. Perhaps the show writers realized that “evil quilt” is not the best logline for a story. Having deadly nightmares occur when someone hugs the quilt is a decent work-around, that also blatantly recalls the “Nightmare on Elm Street” series. We've got no Freddy Krueger here, only reoccurring dreams set in a vaguely French Revolution era palace. I guess that's what an Amish lifer would imagine as decadent and corrupt. I did kind of like the scenes devoted to Laura's assigned future husband trying repeatedly to kill Ryan. A scene where he's throwing a pitchfork around is mildly suspenseful. The resolution to this rivalry involves an “American Gladiator” style fight over an open fire, which is certainly something to see. Silly episode but not without its moments. [6/10]