The So Weird Podcast!

So remember how, over the last three Halloweens, I reviewed that old Disney Channel show, "So Weird?" Sure you do. A while ago, my reviews were linked to on a So Weird message board. Turns out, this relatively obscure series has a small but faithful fan base. About a month ago, I decided to lurk on said message board for no particular reason. I discovered one of the forum members were planning on starting a podcast devoted to "So Weird." I don't know what compelled me to do so but I contacted them on Twitter and, before I knew it, I had a guest appearance on the first episode.

That first podcast was devoted to "Family Reunion," which is also the debut episode of the series




I expected this to turn into a one-off gig but apparently my co-hosts like me enough to keep me around. They even talked me into doing the active hosting duties on the second and third episodes. It would appear I'm slightly more comforted in front of a microphone then they are. Here's episode two:




Just being a guest host on another show is a very different experience then what I'm used to doing with the Bangers n' Mash Show. I don't have to record the episodes myself. I don't have to spend upwards of several hours editing and fine-tuning the episode. It's a much more relaxed ritual, as I just pop in and talk about a half-hour of television. Don't expect the Bangers n' Mash Show to become informal though. My OCD will make sure that'll never happen.

Here's the most recent episode, in which Emily, Kathy, and myself discuss "Memory," the third episode of "So Weird."



it's been an interesting experience so far. Both of my co-hosts are a bit younger then I. They're far more active in the modern aspects of fandom, being regular presences on Tumblr and Twitter and such. There are times when I feel slightly out of place recording with these twos. However, I do like being on the show and, schedule permitting, will probably continue to appear on it for the time being.

I doubt I'll post the episodes that often here, seeing as how this is Film Thoughts and not TV Thoughts. But I might add a post similar to this, just to periodically remind this is an extra thing I'm doing. The Tobe Hooper Report Card will resume later in the day. Good night.

Halloween 2015: October 17

Invaders from Mars (1953)

“Invaders from Mars” is a movie I’ve heard about for years that I’ve somehow avoided seeing until now. A very long time ago, I can recall seeing a documentary about science fiction films. It featured a scene of a little boy banging on a glass dome, an alien creature inside. Some time after that, I read a book – probably by Daniel Cohen – that spoiled the ending. “Invaders from Mars” is one of those fifties genre flicks I had seemingly adsorbed through pop culture osmosis, without ever actually seeing it. After years of hearing about it, now the time has come for me to actually watch “Invaders from Mars.”

David MacClean is a young boy with a love and fascination with space, astronomy, and science. He gets this honestly from his dad, a scientist working at the near-by military base. After awaking in the middle of the night to look at a particular star through his telescope, he sees a spaceship land in the sand field behind his home. When his father goes to investigate, he returns the next morning, acting very strangely. David notices that his dad has a pin-prick on the back of his neck. He notices the same mark on other people in town, all of whom are also acting oddly. Soon, the boy begins to realize that an insidious Martian invasion of Earth has began and the mother-ship is buried in the sands outside his home.

I’ve read that many fans of “Invaders from Mars” first see it when they’re kids. I think seven-to-twelve is absolutely the best time to watch the film. Spoiler alert for a sixty year old movie: The last scene in “Invaders form Mars” reveals that the entire film has been a dream of David’s. In this context, the entire story becomes the paranoid nightmare of a little boy. His parents, who are nurturing and loving in the first scene, become cold, detached, and violent. The little girl who lives next door dies suddenly, murdered by the Martian overlords. To a child, the world of adults is mysterious. How much power and authority an adult has over a kid is especially frightening. “Invaders from Mars” seems designed to play on these fears, on the anxieties of a child. The film predates “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” by three years but plays on similar concerns. The Martians don’t invade in spaceships, as in the same year’s “War of the Worlds,” but with a slow, individual infiltration. Say it’s about communism all you want but loosing one’s identity, or a loved one loosing their identity, is probably the scariest thing most of us could imagine.

So “Invaders from Mars” is interesting. Unfortunately, it also has many long, slow stretches. After he realizes what is happening, David seeks out people who can help him. This eventually leads him to a child psychiatrist, played by Helena Carter. After some convincing, she buys into his story. Many of these sequences are long and flat, devoted to people standing around and talking. There is one crushingly protracted sequence where an astronomer explains his theories about Mars, how the Martians live underground and have a genetically engineered race of slaves called Mutants. (Emphasis on the last syllable.) Quite improbably, all of this turns out to be true. The doctor soon convinces some men from the local army base, leading to a full-scale assault on the Martian force. This leads to long montages of tanks riding around or generals tersely discussing a plan of action. Honestly, too much of “Invaders from Mars” is devoted to repetitive scenes of people going up to the sand and being sucked in.

I’m not putting down William Cameron Menzies’ direction. It’s actually quite clever at times. He frequently films scenes from low angles, replicating the way a child sees the world. This is especially notable during the sequences in the police station, where the hallways seem impossibly long. In the last act of the film, when the Martians are shown, the film truly reveals its odd, dream-like tone. The make-up effects are fairly cheesy. The Mutants are played by men in green, shaggy body-suits with bug-eyed, frowning masks. They move stiffly. As cheap as it is, in a weird way it still works. The Mutants look like the kind monsters a child would draw, adding to the effect. As for the Martian overlord, its design is rightfully iconic: A green head, wearing a helmet, with a few flailing tentacles, placed inside a glass sphere. I would’ve liked to have seen the Martian do more but he’s memorable nevertheless.

I wonder how I would’ve reacted to “Invaders from Mars” if I had seen it as a child. If the film’s continued popularity among monster kids is any indication, children obviously pick up on the movie’s themes and ideas. The movie proved iconic enough to receive a remake in the eighties, during the same wave of fifties sci-fi remakes that gave us Carpenter’s “The Thing,” Cronenberg’s “The Fly,” and Russell’s “The Blob.” Though I don’t think the movie works entirely, there’s no doubt that “Invaders from Mars” is interesting. It’s probably a classic for a reason, I suppose. [6/10]

Blind Beast (1969)
Môjû

“Blind Beast” is a film I had never even heard of until earlier this year when I watched a Youtube montage called “The Evolution of Horror Films.” The image featured in the video caught my eye and, after looking the movie up, I became intrigued. Released by Daiei Studio in 1969 – the same year the company made “Gamera vs. Guiron,” to give you some context – the film was part of the first wave of a particular type of Japanese movie. A combination of eroticism and violence, the pink film or roman porno would become more explicit and twisted going into the seventies. “Blind Beast” keeps most of the sex and gore off-screen but still manages to be unnerving in a psychological, visceral way.

Aki is a model who recently posed for a series of erotic pictorials, posing nude while wrapped in chains. Part of the gallery is a statue of her. While visiting the exhibition, she sees a blind man feeling up every inch of the statue. That same night, she invites a masseur up to her apartment who turns out to be the same man, Michio. With help from his mother, he kidnaps her, abducting her to his warehouse studio in the country. A sculptor, Michio has become obsessed with Aki, determined to replicate her body in clay. A psychological battle of wills starts between model and artist. Soon afterwards, both are pulled down into a world of sensation and twisted desire.

“Môjû” accomplishes a lot of things, changing focus and direction several times. At first, the movie struck me as a psycho-thriller along the lines of “Psycho,” “Peeping Tom,” or “The Collector.” All three appear to be an influence, until you realize the movie was based off a book written in the thirties. The relationship Michio has with his mother is dripping with Freudian weirdness. He states early on that he resents his parents, blaming them for his blindness. Later, he tells his mother he relies completely on her. Michio is something like a Norman Bates-style man-child, depended entirely on his mother. He’s a virgin and his lust for the girl already seems to have driven him half mad. One scene seemingly shows mother and son sleeping in the same bed, which certainly raises some questions. When he develops feelings for Aki, the mother becomes jealous and angry, attempting to pull the two apart. When the mother is killed in a struggle, it signals Michio descent into complete madness. “Blind Beast” is hard to predict though. This is only one portion of the film and the movie winds up going in other, bizarre directions.

Most of “Môjû” is devoted to Aki trying to outwit Michio. Because of his naïvete, Aki pretends to be sick or develop feelings for Michio, hoping to escape. This occupies most of the film and is thoroughly compelling, the audience wondering if the girl can escape the mad man’s grasp. She comes close a few times too. Like I said, the film drastically changes direction a few times. After his mother’s death, Michio rapes Aki and she falls in love with him. (Whether this is Stockholm Syndrome or just Japan’s fucked up gender politics, I’ll leave for you to decide.) As their relationship deepens, Aki becomes blind too and both become obsessed with sensation. Both performers, Eiji Funakoshi and Mako Midori, are captivating. They make both characters’ odd habits and the story’s unexpected shifts believable. Yasuzo Masumura – who is apparently considered an underrated auteur of the Japanese New Wave – brings an unnerving style to the film, which is helped along by the sparse, experimental musical score.

Michio is such a bizarre character. His blindness has led to an obsession with touching. The walls of his work studio are covered with sculpted arms, eyes, mouths, ears, noses, and breasts, seemingly representing the senses. Giant statues of naked woman sit in the center of the room. This is the perverse world “Blind Beast” inhabits. The last act is when the film’s erotic and horror elements become most apparent. Aki and Michio explore more perverse sexual antics, trying out bondage and sadism. By story’s end, they’re experimenting with self-mutilation. Like I said, there’s no blood on-screen and less nudity then that statement implies. Mostly, the audience only hears exaggerated sounds of slicing flesh. This is far more disturbing then any gore effects could ever be. The conclusion, which I won’t spoil, actually left me feeling slightly sea sick and unnerved. The film creates a truly deprived atmosphere. The script spins this into an indictment of hedonism but it seems like a natural extension of the story’s obsession with sensation and lust.

“Blind Beast” is way out-of-print on domestic DVD but can be found on the internet easily. It definitely won’t be for everyone. It’s a disturbing and odd movie that doesn’t fit neatly into either the horror or erotic thriller genre. The performances, direction, music, and writing combine to create an impactful movie. A loose and far more explicit sounding remake followed in 2001. It won’t be to everyone’s liking or style but I’m glad I seeked it out. If you like the weird, unnerving, or slightly kinky, you should seek it out too. [8/10]

Tales from the Crypt: Comes the Dawn

Unrelated to the similarly titled season five episode “Came the Dawn,” “Comes the Dawn” instead might have been the inspiration for the “30 Days of Night” series. A former sergeant and colonel, Burrows and Parker, travel up to Alaska in the middle of a snow storm. They’re hunting bear and enlist Jeri, a woman solider that was part of Burrows’ unit. As the two head into an abandoned cabin, they don’t find bear. Instead, they discover a far more dangerous predator. Typically, the hunters soon become the hunted. The Alaskan winter isn’t helping them any either.

“Comes the Dawn” is tensely shot, most of it taking place in a cramped, snowbound cabin. Suggesting the coldness of the night, the episode is shot through a cool blue filter. With a small cast, it’s primarily about the three actors challenging each other. “Tales” veteran Michael Ironside plays Burrows, as hard-edged and convincing as the actor always is. Bruce Payne, a fellow “Highlander” villain, is nice as the more cowardly Parker. The unexpected MVP of the episode is Vivian Wu as Jeri. There have been lots of seductive, treacherous woman in “Tales from the Crypt” but few have as justified a motive as Wu’s Jeri. The episode is capped off with some nicely, gory monster effects. Yep, this is a vampire episode. In a nice change, the vamps hide out in giant, fleshy cocoons, hanging from beams. As I said earlier, if you’ve seen “30 Days of Night,” you can guess the twist ending. I’d argue this TV episode might use that idea better then the aforementioned movie did though. “Comes the Dawn” is a mean, lean “Tales” episode and a highlight of the sixth season, for sure. [7/10]

So Weird: The River

So this is the inglorious last episode of “So Weird:” A clip show. Annie receives a package sent by Ziegler, the man she left stranded in a time loop in “Exit 13.” Contained within is water from the River Lethe, the river of forgetfulness from Greek mythology. A clumsy Clu splashes the Philips family with the water. Molly, Jack, Cary, and Clu are targeted by a specific type of amnesia. They suddenly have no idea who Annie is. Hours before Molly is scheduled to perform a concert, Annie has to remind everyone who she is.

There’s not very much to say about “The River.” Season two’s “Encore” utilized the clip show idea far more smartly, the clips merely playing out as memories over Molly’s music. “The River,” instead, has Annie reminding the characters of their previous adventures. Even as the series was ending, it continued to struggle with making Annie a vital character. Most of the important business of season three was wrapped up in “Annie’s Song,” the episode instead attempts to put an emotional bow on the story. Since there’s still a huge Fiona sized hole in the series’ heart, it just can’t pull it off. (The flashbacks to “Lightening Rod” only emphasizes how important Fiona was to the show and how missed she is.) “The River” ends with one of the most unconvincing declarations of love I’ve ever heard. Don’t worry, it’s not between Jack and Annie, though that’s hinted at. Instead, Molly fully accepts Annie as her surrogate daughter. Yeah, right. At least the final episode got all of the main cast back, in one form or another.

At the time “So Weird” aired, the Disney Channel had an episode number policy. No series would run longer then 65 episodes, which usually amounted to three seasons. The logic behind this was that the target audiences would have aged out of the show by that point. Thus, “So Weird” came to a premature end. If some cosmic alignment happened and Cara DeLizia could’ve returned, “The River” actually presents an ideal opening for the intended final season. With everyone affected by the magical water, Annie, spirit panthers, and pooping changeling babies are suddenly forgotten. Poof! No more season three! Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. Instead, “So Weird” was destined to be an often overlooked cult classic, that gave us two smart, touching seasons of kids’ television… And one underachieving season of kids’ television. I’m glad I revisited the show, warts and all. It’s been a fun trip these last three Halloweens, injecting a nice amount of nostalgia into the season. I've enjoyed this trip down memory lane and I'll miss it. [The River: 4/10] 
[So Weird: 8/10]

Halloween 2015: October 16

The War of the Worlds (1953)

There was a brief period of time, around when I was eleven years old, when I was obsessed with “War of the Worlds.” I had recently read H.G. Wells’ original novel, taken from a yard sale bought box of classic literature, and fell in love with it. I recall listening to a CD of Orson Welles’ notorious radio adaptation during a long car trip, being riveted by it. I even gave Jeff Waynes’ prog-rock concept album version a few spins. Weirdly, I came to the 1953 film adaptation surprisingly late, not catching it until years later on TV. Though younger me was critical of the story changes, I still loved the movie. There have been multiple film versions of Wells’ novel since then, ranging from the high profile to the extremely low budget. Yet none have managed to exactly top this one.

“Across the gulf of space, intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic regarded this earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans against us.” Sometime after the end of World War II, a mysterious comet crashes down in rural California. At first, the locals are curious. Among them are nuclear physicist Clayton Forester and a young woman named Sylvia. Soon, a death ray rises from the capsule, eliminating all who approaches it. Floating warships arise and began an invasion. Earth is powerless against the Martian forces. Clayton and Sylvia attempt to survive the war of the worlds, as mankind hopelessly devises a way to defeat the invaders.

Director Byron Haskin and producer George Pal loosely adapted Wells’ story. The first half follows the book, to a degree, before going off in its own direction. What Haskin and Pal mostly do is update the story to the then-modern day. The film takes place in the same idealized American small town as a hundred other fifties sci-fi movies. There is a deliberate focus on the quint, pleasant life of the town. As if to draw attention to what will soon be lost. That focus on the puny humans is something seen all throughout “War of the Worlds” and one of its greatest strengths. The town parson, Sylvia’s uncle, approaches the death ray while praying, bravely confronting death. Sylvia, in response, cries out for him. Even in the middle of a crisis, Clayton and the girl find time for a home-cooked meal, while hiding out from the Martians. In the last act, as society collapses, the film focuses on Forester attempting to reunite with the woman he loves. As the building around them collapses, they hold each other in what could be their final moments. It’s surprisingly touching, sophisticated stuff. It roots this cosmic story of alien invasion in a very real and human place.

However, what most people are going to remember about “War of the Worlds” are the Martian war machines. To eyes in 2015, the special effects may look dated. On DVD, we can see the wires attached to the saucers as they emerge from the capsule. Back in 1953, the effects were ground-breaking. Pal’s film is one of the earliest alien invasion films and easily the most influential. Though the effects may not have aged the best, you can still admire the production design. The manta ray shaped saucers, in chrome blue with glowing green highlights, were immediately iconic. Extending from the ship are parascoping arms, the heat rays attached at the top. The weapon looks like a starring eye, dispassionate, cruel, and judgmental. That it shoots a colorful death ray is almost unnecessary. Maybe the most impressive scene is a flowing shot, taken from the perspective of an airplane. The flying machines approach near by, the plane flying over the countryside. It’s an effective, almost frightening sequence, surprisingly visceral and immediate.

Some of you might be wondering why I’m covering “The War of the Worlds,” a landmark science fiction, during my Halloween horror marathon. There’s no doubt in my mind that “War of the Worlds” has plenty of horrific elements. The Martian weapons cause men to burst into flames. There’s a genuine, unnerving panic to the early scenes of the saucers emerging and attacking people. A stand-out segment occurs when the Martians enter the house Forester and Sylvia are hiding in. A camera on a telescoping arm precedes them, its appearance sudden, the doctor striking it with an axe. Afterwards, we get a fleeting glimpse of the Martian themselves. A three-fingered hand touches down on the girl’s shoulder. (The suckers on the end of the fingers seems to imply an element left out of the film: That the Martians drink human blood.) She screams as the alien’s visage, the rubber monster then fleeing the house. This is an almost classical horror sequence, the monster and the girl bumping into each in a darkened room. The later scenes, when the invading forces have crushed the world’s military and the cities are in ruin, also pushes the film into the realm of apocalyptic horror. Though it’s no doubt an important sci-fi movie, it’s not too far to consider “War of the Worlds’ an important horror movie too.

When focused on Clayton and Slyvia’s attempts to survive the Martian onslaught, “War of the Worlds” is hugely effective. When the film’s focus shifts to the world’s military leaders plotting ways to stop the invaders, it becomes less interesting. Scenes in a war room, of scientists and generals considering their next course of action, drags the pacing down. The last third of the film wanders a bit before coming to its conclusion. The Martians falling to common Earthly bacteria is the story’s well known twist. Wells meant it to be strictly ironic, that the mightiest invaders would be defeated by the smallest organisms. The film puts a blatantly religious spin on it. As the saucers approach, the survivors gather in a church, listening to what could be their last sermon. As the creatures die, a sickly hand crawling out of the downed space ship, church bells ring. People sing hymns. Mostly, this draws attention to what a blatant deus ex machina the ending is. Yet it also, admittedly, adds a mythic quality to the ending.

Though not effective for the entirety of its run time, “The War of the Worlds” is still an impressive accomplishment. The cast is likable, with Gene Barry and Ann Robison having solid chemistry with each other. Leith Stevens’ musical score provides a hummable, immediately recognizable main theme. Though special effects technology may have outrun it, and it may lack the ever important tripods, the original “War of the Worlds” still hasn’t been totally topped. It is the iconic film version of Wells’ story and a powerful, thrilling piece of filmmaking. [9/10]

Scream Blacula Scream (1973)

“Blacula” was a successful film and, though some might be reluctant to declare it so, is definitely an enduring pop culture artifact. American International Picture, perhaps seeing the success the film’s imitators were having, knew they had to produce a sequel. With a title as nearly as awesome as the original, “Scream Blacula Scream” rolled out a year later. With a box office gross far lower then the first, the sequel has never been as well-regarded or remembered as the film that spawned it.

With the death of a respected voodoo priestess, a rivalry arises between her thuggish son and her adopted daughter, a powerful voodoo priestess in her own right. Hoping to get revenge on Lisa, Willis buys the bones of Prince Mamuwalbe, otherwise known as Blacula. Resurrected with black magic, the black prince stalks again. Blacula starts to sire other vampires, including Willis, creating a new plague of bloodsuckers. He also develops an interest in Lisa, attracted to the beautiful woman. Soon, the vampire begins to considers a way to end his eternal status as an undead creature.

Though definitely an inferior sequel, “Scream Blacula Scream” has two big pluses in its favor. William Marshall is back as the vampire prince. His resounding, powerful voice and innate sense of dignity and authority carries most of the film. Many of scenes in the film has Mamuwalde controlling people simply with his voice or a look. Few actors could pull this off but someone as powerful as Marshall easily handles it. Standing opposite Marshall is another reigning icon of blaxploitation, Pam Grier. Lisa is different from the irrepressibly strong women Grier usually plays. She’s timid, more intellectual. Pairing Marshall and Grier is the film’s only true masterstroke. Simple scenes of the two standing around, talking, are captivating just based on the strength of the performers. The film concludes with the two sitting around a table, Grier performing an exorcism. Their foreheads sweat, heads rolling back, the two moaning and shouting… It’s basically a sex scene without the sex, another clever element the troubled sequel delivers on.

When focusing on Mamuwalde and Lisa’s growing relationship, “Scream Blacula Scream” is alright. Like the first film though, it saddles itself with some distracting subplots. Instead of a black police officer investigating the vampire problem, the film has a former-police officer as the Van Helsing type. Don Mitchell’s Justin is fine, really. His scenes discussing African history with Blacula are fun. However, watching him figure out the vampire problem that we already know isn’t exactly compelling. Both films end with cops taking the fight to Blacula and being dispatched by the vampire. “Scream Blacula Scream” isn’t done, adding another story line. Mamuwalde turns Willis into a vampire after their first meeting. So the film has another vampire running around. Though Willis seemingly plots against Mamuwalde, this story line never comes to a head. It’s just another thing to distract from the characters the audience actually cares about.

“Scream Blacula Scream” is occasionally effective as a horror film. Director Bob Kelljan creates some clever visuals. I like the ways the vampires swoop in on their victims. Kelljan’s direction is cramped and personal, focusing on the actor’s face in tight areas. This, every once in a while, generates some okay tension. Overall though, “Scream Blacula Scream” is not as well paced as its predecessor. Certain scenes drag and the plot lacks forward momentum. While the first “Blacula” obviously had something to say about race, the sequel doesn’t seem to have any social commentary in mind. At one point, Mamuwalde chastises a pair of black pimps for “making slaves of their sisters” but that’s just one scene. In the final scene, the main character rejects the name Mamuwalde and starts calling himself Blacula, seemingly accepting his fate as a monster. But this is said to another black man. Yes, the vampire clobbers some white cops but the sequels robs that image of any power. It’s merely imitating what worked the first time, to diminished returns.

“Scream Blacula Scream” gets a lot of mileage out of Marshall’s immense screen presence and Pam Grier’s undeniable charm. However, it’s awkwardly written, paced, and directed. It lacks the power and poetry of the original. Even the score, though still sufficiently funky, isn’t as exciting as the first film’s music. The sequel isn’t without its pleasure but you won’t exactly be screaming for it either. [6/10]

Tales from the Crypt: In the Groove

Is Miguel Ferrer the actor with the most “Tales from the Crypt” appearances? Seems like John Kassir is the only person on the show more often. Anyway, in “In the Groove,” Miguel plays Gary, a shock jock who hosts a sex-themed talk show. His ratings are in the toilet and the station owner, his sister, is eager to bury the program. When she insists on a co-host for the programmer, a mousy woman named Valerie, Gary is at first reluctant. However, the two have a spicy chemistry, making the show popular again. When Gary has an on-air breakdown, it gives his sister the excuse she needs to push him out. This being “Tales,” the two DJs then plot murder.

“In the Groove” is “Tales from the Crypt” seemingly taking a hack at the erotic thriller genre. The fantasy sequences Gary has while discussing sex with his co-hosts don’t feature any nudity. They do, however, have lots of moaning and husky whispers. Stylish though these scenes are, they aren’t the high-light of the episode. That belongs to Ferrer hamming it up. His character is unreasonably angry, bellowing and blustery the entire time. When he has his epic breakdown in the middle of the episode, it’s not a shock but rather an inevitability. Linda Doucett is likably mousy as Gary’s laid-back foil and I like how bitchy Wendie Malick is as the evil sister. The plot is more then willing to go in some Freudian directions. The way the episode goes, with the murder plot, is easy to guess. How that plays out is even more obvious. This is “Tales from the Crypt,” so betrayal and deception is expected. The script is routine but the cast – which includes a cameo from Slash, by the way – still makes “In the Groove” worth watching. [6/10]

So Weird: Annie’s Song

Oh boy, a whole episode devoted to that stupid spirit panther. The penultimate episode of “So Weird,” “Annie’s Song” finally digs into the character’s past after a whole season of foreshadowing. While on an Indian reservation, Annie encounters the tribe’s shaman. He immediately recognizes her as someone with a special guardian. Soon, the shaman is possessed by the spirit of Coyote. Coyote leads Annie into the forest on her own vision quest, where she’ll remember the details of her childhood and her first encounter with the panther.

I’ve made my feelings about Annie’s spirit panther well known. It’s dumb. It’s a lazy way for the writer’s to wrap up plots. The mysterious nature of the panther was an obvious way to make Annie seem interesting to disinterested viewers. So what’s the secret origin of the spirit panther? As a little girl in the Amazon, Annie wandered out into the jungle at night. She encountered a young boy who was about to be bitten by a snake. The snake bit her instead. Grateful for her sacrifice, the tribe’s chieftain insured that she would always be protected by the tribe’s spirit, a panther. It’s not the most inspired origin, partaking of the kind of new age, magic Indian nonsense the show is usually better than. The A-plot, involving native American spirits and magic, trades in the same sort of stereotypes. The stakes of the episode are very low, as the entire script is built around Annie’s flashback. There’s some bad CGI and the actor playing Coyote overacts. Further looking to annoy me, the episode concludes with a long scene of Annie singing some uninspired pop drivel. I mean, the episode isn’t terrible or anything. It’s just more of the dumb bullshit that sadly characterized season three. [5/10] 

Halloween 2015: October 14

Tremors 5: Bloodlines (2015)

Back in February, I watched and reviewed the “Tremors” movies. Full disclosure: I love this goofy, worm-filled franchise. The first three are nostalgic favorites of mine, re-watched countless times as a teenager, and I even really like the fourth one. So when “Tremors 5: Bloodlines” was announced, you’d think I’d be super excited for it, right? Not so. It wasn’t just the generic subtitle that concerned me. Or Jaime Kennedy’s co-starring role, for that matter. Neither S.S. Wilson or Brent Maddock, the men who created the series and oversaw every previous entry, were involved with this new one. Director Don Michael Paul’s previous credits did not fill me with a lot of confidence. Mostly, I just didn’t know if studios could still make fun, direct-to-video monster-fests. The movie doesn’t overcome these concerns.

In the years since “Tremors: The Series,” Burt Gummer has successfully confined the Graboids species to the North American continent. Or so he thinks. Filming on his new survivalist reality show is interrupted by news of an outbreak in South Africa. A larger, deadlier, prehistoric breed of Graboid and Ass-Blaster has been uncovered on the savannas. Burt and his new associate, Travis Welker, are hired to contain the beasts. As usual, the underground monsters have ways of surprising our heroes. Furthermore, Burt’s employees can’t be trusted either.

The secret weapon of the “Tremors” series, the reason people love these movies, has always been the characters. So it’s a disappointment that “Bloodlines” moves out of Perfection and leaves behind every character aside from Burt. Eleven years has passed and Michael Gross has aged a lot but he’s still game. Burt is as lively as ever. Watching him cackle with glee when trying out a new gun or monologuing to the camera in a mock-grim manner is still fun. Truthfully, just seeing the character again after such a long absence warms my heart. However, I wonder if “Bloodlines” could be more respectful of ol' Burt. There’s a few not-quite good natured jokes at his expense. One long scene has him locked in a cage. Under the African heat, he goes a little stir-crazy. The scene concludes with Gummer drinking his own urine and getting peed on by a lion. It’s an embarrassing moment, one that drags the entire movie down. It slightly undermines Burt’s credentials as a monster blastin’ badass, even if the rest of the film holds true to that vision.

Another charming evergreen element of the “Tremors” series has been the consistent monster designs. The Graboids, Shriekers, and Ass-Blasters were all cool looking. When brought to life with practical effects, they were convincing monsters. I’m sad to report that “Tremors 5” features no practical creature effects. This is an all CGI ride. Secondly, the movie focuses on a new breed of the creatures that is wildly different then what we’re used to. The Ass-Blasters' tri-segmented mouth is discarded in favor of an uninspired, vagina dentata deal. Its squatter body, backwards facing legs, and raptor claws aren’t very inspired either. It doesn’t help that the Ass-Blaster takes up most of the movie. When the Graboid finally shows up, it too has been widely redesigned. It’s prehensile tongues can now detach, slithering around like weird cobras. The Graboids are craggier, with more visible bones and muscles. For some reason, they spin through the air while jumping. And there’s no Shriekers in the film at all. Overall, the monster aspect is far less charming then in previous movies.

The “Tremors” series has a formula all its own. Each movie introduces a new monster. Burt prepares for one type of creatures only to be woefully unprepared for a different type. The rules of new creature are quickly established and the survivors use this information against the monsters. The beasties die in spectacular ways. “Bloodlines” doesn’t deviant from this established outline too much. Minor events referenced in the first act, like motorcycles, lightening storms, or electric shocks, become important at the end. Mostly, it’s that new character that changes thing. Jaime Kennedy, washed-up stand-up and former Randy, is an odd choice for a motorcycle riding, business savvy cool guy. Kennedy actually seems partially aware of this, subverting the character’s conceived coolness. He has okay chemistry with Gross, even if his constant name-calling gets old. The exact details of the relationship between the two characters is easy to guess, as the movie foreshadows it heavily. (The subtitle gives it away too.)

Despite “Tremors” always having its worm-tongue firmly in cheek, “Bloodlines” feels a bit too much like a typical monster flick at times. There’s a new batch of characters, like a female doctor, her love interest, and a little girl. A long sequence has them menaced by the Ass-Blasters. It chases through the building’s kitchen, in a scene hopelessly reminiscent of “Jurassic Park.” Really, there’s nothing compelling about the new cast and the movie’s attempts at straight horror are underwhelming. Don Michael Paul’s direction frequently employs shaky-cam and crash zooms. This is most obvious when a pair of unimportant side characters are eaten by the worms. The focus is on their faces, the camera trembling, the actors screaming, blood spurting off-screen. That protracted, laughable moment is only one of the overdone action scenes in the movie.

To say I was disappointed in “Tremors 5” would suggest my expectations were high for it. They weren’t. In some ways, I found the movie to be mildly entertaining. Just watching Michael Gross blasting worms again has an undeniable amusement value. The script is occasionally funny. To its benefit, the movie is never boring. However, “Bloodlines” does seem to miss the appeal of these flicks, doesn’t totally respect the source material, and feels entirely too generic at times. I suppose we should all be thankful it’s a numbered sequel and a direct continuation, instead of a remake. Yet I’ll be far more likely to rewatch one through four before I ever re-visit this one. [5/10]

Cherry Falls (2000)

In high school, I had a huge crush on this sardonic, slightly gothy girl named Karen. Imagine a real life Daria and you're about half-way there. Despite my best efforts, we were never more then friends and I often suspected she secretly hated me. Anyway, she was fond of quoting the line “You loose your spiritual virginity when you realize your parents are bigger hypocrites then your friends.” It would be some time before I found out that quote was from “Cherry Falls.” The very definition of a post-“Scream” slasher, the film was low on gore, starred television-friendly actors, was slickly directed, and delivered a meta-twist on the slasher genre. Despite those generic qualities, “Cherry Falls” is better then you’d think.

Cherry Falls is a wholesome, seemingly safe small town in suburban Virginia. That sense of safety is shattered when a serial killer strikes. Instead of targeting the promiscuous, virgins are the killer’s targets. This especially concerns Sheriff Markan, whose innocent daughter Jody has just dumped her grabby boyfriend. The sheriff makes the hard decision to announce the killer’s M.O. The high school students, in response, plan a massive orgy. Jody, meanwhile, investigates her family’s past, discovering an awful secret, sending on a collision course with the murderer.

Eighties slasher were usually exploitation films, the gore and titillation being the selling points. The late nineties slasher were more focused on slick thrills then anything else. Rarely was either type of film actually about anything. “Cherry Falls,” however, has some things on its mind. Our culture sexualizes kids at younger and younger ages while reinforcing the value and perceived innocence of their virginity. Pop culture tells them to have sex while also telling them that they will be devalued if they do. That’s fucked up. “Cherry Falls” seems slightly aware of this hypocritical double standard. A major thread in the film concerns Jody discovering that her father has a checkered past. The script makes the clear distinction that spiritual maturity and sexual innocence are far from the same thing. The killer’s genuinely disturbing backstory – featuring rape and child abuse – shows a similar fixation on teenage sexuality and “innocence.” “Cherry Falls” isn’t quite smart enough to make any sort of point but these issues are definitely floating around inside the film’s cortex.

As a slasher film, “Cherry Falls” is pretty light on the red stuff. The movie frequently cuts away from the murder scenes, which I suspect was more of an artistic decision then a censorship one. Despite the lack of gore, “Cherry Falls” is still reasonably successful in the horror department. The killer is obviously a man cross-dressing as a woman but the long black hair, mini-skirt, and red nails is still a memorable look. The most intense sequence is when the killer chases the heroine through an empty high school. The rock score drains away some tension but the frenzied, up-close direction still allows the scene to build decently. After the killer’s identity is revealed, “Cherry Falls” develops a likable loopy side. After telling the heroes to split, one minor character receives an axe to the head. The murderer shows up at the orgy party, slicing through the kids even after they’ve done it. One amusing scene has the fleeing teens crowded onto a staircase, busting through the banister in their frenzy. The film definitely has a funny, stylish edge to it.

Rounding out “Cherry Falls” is an above-average cast. Brittany Murphy was, too frequently, cast as dumb blondes or blandly sexy characters over her short career. This film has her against type, as a dark-haired, somewhat snarky protagonist. A notable moment comes when her boyfriend rebuffs her sexual advances. Jody’s parents are played by Michael Biehn and Candy Clark. Clark is basically a cameo but Biehn actually has a surprisingly meaty role. The scene where he subtly encourages his daughter to sleep around is uncomfortable, funny, but weirdly sweet. Biehn has to balance guilt, concern, and fear in his part and does so well. I also like Jay Mohr as the eccentric school teacher. Keep your eyes open for small parts from recognizable faces like DJ Qualls and Michael Weston.

“Cherry Falls” doesn’t reinvent the wheel. I can see jaded horror fans dismissing it outright, for its lack of gore and willingness to partake in late nineties clichés. However, I find the film to be a lot more likable, funnier, and more thoughtful then the many similar films released around the same time. Weirdly, “Cherry Falls” never got a U.S. theatrical release but still found a following from home video rentals and TV screenings. I have to say, the movie deserves it. [7/10]

Tales from the Crypt: Doctor of Horror

“Doctor of Horror” is one of the earliest “Tales” I can remember seeing, back when the show aired in an edited form on late night Fox. Richard and Charlie have recently been hired as security guards at a morgue. On their first night, they spot an eccentric doctor stealing a corpse. Dr. Orloff believes that the human soul is a physical gland and can be extracted from the body. The amoral Richard has no problem playing along with Orloff’s body snatching and surgery. The kindly Charlie, however, is disgusted by the experiments. When Orloff realizes that a soul can only be taken from a living body, Richard is soon indulging his desire for murder and vivisection. But neither expects what happens when a soul is successfully stolen.

“Doctor of Horror” holds up as an almost archetypal “Tales from the Crypt” episode. The story features macabre experiments, a psychopath, a grotesque zombie, and revenge from beyond the grave. The bad guys get what’s coming to them in especially grisly ways. Searching for a literal, physical soul is as good a motivation as any for a mad scientist. The performances are fun. Hank Azaria sports an exaggerated Pompadour. He sweats and rages in anger, a sociopath barely concerning his murderous fury. Travis Tritt, a once popular country western singer, adapts surprisingly well as the kindly, conflicted Charlie. Austin Pendleton is laid back in a funny way as the mad doctor. The episode also provides the oppretunity to see Ben Stein get his head bashed in. Larry Wilson’s direction is nicely energetic. He attaches his camera to the front of a moving gurney or peers up from well. The underground labs, crypts, and abandoned wells provide some nice spooky atmosphere. Aside from some unnecessary slow motion, it’s a good looking show. The dismembered zombie that shows up at the end has a novel, dripping design. The head is on backwards on a twisted, rotten body. The ending is especially ironic, even by the standards of this show. In short, “Doctor of Horror” is a classic “Crypt” episode. Even the Crypt Keeper’s barber-themed wraparounds are a blast. [8/10]

So Weird: Dead Ringer

The season nearly over, “So Weird” took the time to devote an entire episode to Jack. An old neighbor of the Philips family has recently passed away. Molly and Annie stop by and pick up a few things from the family yard sale. Among the items is a rotary telephone. Jack is shaken by the object. As a kid, he threw a ball through the neighbor's window and never confessed to the deed. The guilt still haunts him, years later. Soon, the old phone starts ringing. Jack hears the dead man’s voice and is attacked by strange images.

I actually remember seeing “Dead Ringer” as a kid. At the time, it’s horror struck me as so fangless and corny, that I realized “So Weird” had passed the point where it could ever be good again. That’s right, this was the moment the show jumped the shark. At least, that’s what I thought at the time. Truthfully, “Dead Ringer” is sometimes better then the season that surrounds it. Yeah, it’s supernatural elements aren’t very frightening. Jack feeling guilty for something as minor as breaking a neighbor’s window stretches belief. The ghost’s form of revenge, like dropping golf balls on Jack’s head and making an eye appear in a window, aren’t very threatening. However, “Dead Ringer” is actually attempting to be scary. Moreover, the show is tackling a serious theme: Guilt. The ending, which is slightly confusing, suggests that owning up to one’s action is the best way to push pass them. Mostly, it’s nice to see Jack take the lead for an episode. Patrick Levis is more then talented enough to carry the episode. His panicked performance actually makes it worth watching. Oh, it’s far from the creepiest episode of the series. Yet it’s much better then I remember, showing that the troubled third season actually improved some in its latter half. [6.5/10]

Halloween 2015: October 13

Hellgate (1989)

As I mentioned in my write-up of Monster-Mania this year, I instructed the VHSPS guys to find me something “weird and eighties.” Looking at what I came home with, I realize now only one of their recommended titles was actually from the eighties. While “The Witching” and “Nocturna” were both pretty weird in their own ways, neither were exactly what I was looking for. “Hellgate” was the last title they handed me and neither seemed all that enthusiastic about it. This is why I waited until now to watch it. Having seen the flick now, I can say that “Hellgate” is very much on the wavelength of what I was looking for.

Teen girls Pam and Bobby, along with Bobby’s boyfriend Chuck, wait in a cabin for Matt, Pam’s boyfriend. While they wait, the three discuss a local legend. The myth goes that, back in the fifties, a girl was murdered by a biker gang. Her father, who operates a local western ghost town tourist attraction called Hellgate, kills the bikers in revenge. Soon afterwards, it’s said, he discovered a magical glowing rock that could resurrect the dead as bizarre monsters. Naturally, it’s all true. Matt discovers as much when he picks up the man’s daughter, now a ghostly hitchhiker. It’s not too long before all the teens wind up as Hellgate and encounter some very strange things.

As the slasher film’s popularity began to wane in the late eighties, horror directors began to throw all sorts of shit together to make a viable scare flick. Latex monster effects, zombies, ghosts, demons, and teenage characters would frequently be tossed around within the same film. Aside from maybe “Spookies,” I’ve never seen a movie that characterizes this style better then “Hellgate.” The film is an extremely off-beat combination of ghost story, cheesy special effects, horror/comedy, and urban legend. The early scenes of people telling ghost stories or a man picking up a ghostly, female hitchhiker certainly recalls urban myths. There are many oddball creatures. The main villain is a mostly silent old man with steel plates on his face. His ghostly daughter shoots lasers from her hands. The magic crystal transformed a fish into a bloated monster and a stuffed turtle into a snapping zombie. Parts of the film are meant to be funny, I think. It is frequently ridiculous, in both the intentional and unintentional varieties. If nothing else, “Hellgate” provides some incredibly off-beat horror theatrics.

Major movie stars probably weren’t lining up to appear in low budget monster movies like “Hellgate.” The movie does, however, feature a recognizable face. Ron Palillo, Horshack himself, stars as Mark. Palilo certainly can’t pass for a teenager anymore and he seems slightly embarrassed by the material, any time he has to make out with a topless ghost girl or give his girlfriend a naked massage. Still, he brings a decent sense of humor to the part. “Hellgate” has a surprisingly entertaining cast. Joanne Warde as the short-haired Bobby has a certain spunky energy that I liked. I was really hoping she’d be the heroic final girl. Petrea Curran and Evan J. Klisser, who also appeared in some bottom-of-the-barrel action movies like “Space Mutiny” or “American Kickboxer,” are both very goofy as Pam and Chuck. Not all the performances are intentionally amusing. Abigail Wolcott is hilariously monotone as the ghost daughter. The same could be said of Carel Trichardt as the murderous old man.

It’s pretty clear “Hellgate” didn’t have much of a script. The plot tosses together divergent elements. The fifties flashback, with its old-time diner, dirty bikers, and attempted rape, walks an uncomfortable line between gross and campy. As the cast wanders further into Hellgate, the movie strings together many odd set-pieces. A zombie appears in a classic car, while pasty face ghosts wander through town. A clown tells corny jokes before introducing a group of can-can dancers, who hypnotize with their dance moves. There’s a talking decapitated head in a fridge and a haunted player piano. The finale features a car chase, explosions, and a naked woman being shot through a window in slow-motion. There’s even some obvious comedic elements, like the joking redneck cops. From axe murders to spooky cemeteries, “Hellgate” throws everything at the wall.

This kitchen sink approach to the genre produced an extremely random horror movie. Director William A. Levey previously made “The Happy Hooker Goes to Washington” and “Blackenstein,” showing what an odd career he had. Yet “Hellgate” obviously has a cult following, if its recent Blu-Ray release is any indication. The VHS box art was pretty cool which may be why people remember this goofy, off-beat, shenanigans-filled horror romp. I don’t think you could ever call it good but it’s definitely kind of fun. [6/10]

Kolobos (1999)

“Kolobos” was ahead of its time. Horror in the late nineties was characterized by slick post-modern slashers, low on gore but heavy on attractive teen actors. It would only be a few more years down the line before the explicit likes of “Saw” and “Hostel” would direct the genre in a radically different direction. “Kolobos” is a surreal, gory slasher pic which is obviously influenced by Italian horror films of the seventies. In 1999, it was completely ignored, slipped onto home video with little attention, and sank into obscurity. The film’s mayhem and influences would’ve made it right at home in the post-millennial horror boom. I first saw the movie on Youtube years back and I’ve always considered it something of a hidden gem.

A girl wanders onto the streets, her face covered with cuts. Before loosing consciousness, she utters one word: “Kolobos,” a Greek word meaning mutilated. In the hospital, Kyra relates her story. She answered an open call for an independent film. Along with a former horror starlet, a stand-up comic, and a film theorist, she lived in a home where their every move was recorded and monitored. Soon, the four discovered the home was filled with hidden, deadly traps. A strange killer with a cut-off face stalks the building. Yet Kyra’s history of mental illness makes the other people in the home uncertain they can trust her. Kyra isn’t sure if she can trust herself.

Fans of Italian horror and seventies/eighties slasher flicks will recognize “Kolobos’” influences. The opening music is nearly identical to Goblin’s “Suspiria” score. A hallway full of flashing colors recalls both Argento and Bava. A victim has their face based in on a sink’s ledge, not unlike a scene in “Profondo rosso.” Another murder recalls the antler impalement from “Silent Night, Deadly Night.” (Linnea Quigley’s cameo is another deliberate homage to that film.) One of the housemates, Erica, starred in a series of eighties slasher flicks. The mask she wore is similar to the painted doll mask from “Alice Sweet Alice.” The film filters these ideas through late nineties attributes. The fashion and dialogue immediately links the film to its time period. Tina wears bopped pigtails, flared jeans, and tight T-shirts, a style that was only popular around 1999. The movie’s referential tone and film fanatic characters are not dissimilar to “Scream” and its imitators. The plot, meanwhile, points towards the reality TV genre which was just beginning to take over television at the time. “Kolobos” is basically about a weirdo slasher film invading an episode of “Big Brother.” Many of these elements made it an outlinear in 1999. In retrospect, it was seriously ahead of the curve.

Truly separating “Kolobos” from the pack is its unnerving tone. This is a horror movie that sets out to confuse and unsettle. Its foremost tool in this objective is brutal gore. The home’s booby traps are especially gruesome. Saw blades shoot from the floors and cabinets. Upbeat Tina has her gut sliced open, the girl struggling to push her entrails back in. The film critic awakes in a bathtub, acid spewing from the faucet. A claw emerges from the wall to viciously tear an ankle in two. Traps aren’t the killer’s only methods. He smashes a face into a wall. One victim is impaled, through the eye, on antlers. The sharpened point jabs through her head, brain matter dangling on the other end. Just how disturbed the movie’s killer is obviously in how he looks. Credited as “Faceless,” the murder has slashed his own face off with a straight-razor, leaving disturbing scar tissue behind. All of this is fucked up on its own. The nightmarish way the movie frames the gore makes it even more unnerving. The director team of Daniel Liatowitsch and David Ocvirk have done little since this but they showed a title for visceral horror direction and editing, calibrating each set piece for maximum impact.

If there’s any element of “Kolobos” that doesn’t entirely work, it’s the surreal, psychological scenes. Kyra is insane, that’s clear early on. She doodles disturbing pictures in her notebook. She has hallucinations of faceless people attacking her. She hears voices. What exactly is going on, and how it relates to Kyra’s disturbed mind, is never entirely revealed. Even the ending leaves a certain degree of ambiguity. That uncertain quality is confounding at first. On a second viewing you realize that “Kolobos’” disturbing tone is precisely because that surreal atmosphere. Considering Amy Weber has been both a pop singer and a pro-wrestler, she does a surprisingly good job at playing the shy, introverted Kyra. Because the movie is a nightmare, it allows its actors to go to slightly exaggerated places. Promise LaMarco and Nichole Pelerine brushes up against being annoying but somehow don’t cross that line.

“Kolobos” will probably alienate, annoy, and put off some viewers. Its ending is frustratingly non-conclusive. Its performances are intentionally arched. The gore is intense and the tone is arty. If you can shuffle onto its wavelength, you may find yourself intrigued by “Kolobos.” I first saw it in the middle of the night, while half-asleep. Perhaps this is why I was pliable to its unusual ideas. “Kolobos” functions that way, like a fever dream or a strangled nightmare. If you’ve never heard of it or seen it, seek it out and make up your own mind. You may discover something worth discussing. [8/10]

Tales from the Crypt: Surprise Party

“Surprise Party” may be one of the most bare bones episodes of “Tales from the Crypt” that I’ve ever seen. Ray Wells did not have a good relationship with his father. On the man’s death bed, he only talked to him when the issue of an inheritance came up. The old man discouraged Ray from exploring the mountain property that would soon be his. He didn’t listen. The boy discovers a mountain cabin where a seventies-themed retro party is going on. A sexy babe immediately attracts his attention. In the world of “Tales from the Crypt,” things are rarely what they first appear to be.

Stories of scumbags acting in bad ways and being swiftly punished is what “Tales from the Crypt” is built upon. “Surprise Party” does little to shake up this formula. Adam Storke plays Ray as a highly hatable asshole. From the moment he arrives at the party, it’s clear something unusual is up. Clare Hoak is lovely as Josie, in her short skirt and bobby socks. However, the seduction between the two characters takes up too much time. Jake Busey plays her vengeful boyfriend. Despite being the biggest name in the cast, Busey has a very small role. The supernatural reveal features some gnarly gore effects. However, things roll together too quickly. “Surprise Party” feels like it rushes through the episode’s most important parts. That being said, I do like the scene where Ray’s conversation with his dying father is projected on his snowy rain shield. That’s a clever way to give out some exposition and illustrates the character’s memory. There’s not much to “Surprise Party” and it may be the most disposable episode of the series yet. [5/10]

So Weird: Gone Fishin’

I’m really surprised “So Weird” didn’t get to the topic of lake monsters until this late in its existence. Molly needs a break from touring and from the kids, retreating to a secluded mountain cabin. In order to occupy them, Irene takes Annie and Jack out for a fishing trip on the near-by lake. Annie’s not that interested in fishing. She is intrigued by local stories of a monster in the lake. As the cabin’s owner sets out to hunt and kill the monster, Annie finds herself investigating the lake’s history, determining the creature’s identity.

“Gone Fishin’,” aside from that awful title, mostly feels really abbreviated. The lake monster idea is introduced half-way through the episode. It has to rush through the mystery. Annie quickly learns that the lake is man-made, created over a plot of land by a near-by dam. When Jack catches an old key with his fishing lure, she deduces that the previous owner somehow changed into a fish-man to survive the flooding. All of this is dumped on the audience in the last ten minutes of the episode. That’s sloppy. Also, I’m disappointed the monster wasn’t a sea serpent. At least the creature is kept off-screen until the final episode. The reveal is made, the story resolved, and the episode suddenly ends. The moral, about the hunter wanted to exterminate something just because he doesn’t understand, is presented in a very heavy-handed way. The thing I like the most about “Gone Fishin’” is Jack’s banter with Annie and Irene. I also enjoyed Molly's alone time in the cabin. She composes a new song, which plays over the show’s conclusion. It feels like it’s been a while since we’ve seen Molly sing without Annie overshadowing her. That’s nice. The episode is still rushed and unsatisfying. [5/10]

Halloween 2015: October 12

Urban Legends: Bloody Mary (2005)

Years later, direct-to-video sequels to half-forgotten horror franchises rarely produce quality work. Just a few days back, I watched “I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer,” an ugly, stupid film that gives you a good idea of how these things usually turn out. Reportedly, “Urban Legends: Bloody Mary” came about because the rights-holders hoped to launch a series of cheaply made, profitable DTV sequels, unconnected save for the urban legend theme. None of this inspires much confidence in “Bloody Mary.” Maybe that’s the reason the film winds up exceeding expectations.

A high school in a small Utah town has a local legend. Back in the sixties, at the prom, a trio of jocks spiked their dates’ drinks. One girl, Mary, realized what was happened and fled. When the boy found her, he accidentally killed her, hiding her body in a trunk. Mary then became the Bloody Mary of legend, the spirit summoned by saying her name in a mirror. Nearly forty years later, trouble occurs at the same school. Samantha prints a story in the school newspaper, incriminating the football team. As payback, the jocks kidnapped the girls and hid them in the woods for a week. The ritual awakens the spirit of Bloody Mary. She takes revenge on the boys, dispatching each in the manner of an urban legend. Samantha has to unravel the mystery behind Mary’s legend to stop the killings.

“Bloody Mary” is unrelated to either previous “Urban Legend” movie, save for a brief call-back to the first movie’s events. Instead of being a slasher flick, it moves into the territory of supernatural horror. Given the vengeful ghost is a girl with long black hair, it seems likely the film was made to cash in on “The Ring” or “The Grudge.” Despite the change of sub-genre, part three utilizes its gimmick far better then either of the previous flicks. Each murder scene is patterned after a famous myth. Others are referenced throughout. The script is slightly sloppy. Plot points don’t always connect clearly. The big reveal in the last act is easy to guess. Yet the movie is entertaining. It’s even slightly thoughtful, making statements about macho aggression within high school. While it’s never quite a thoughtful Snopes-style study of modern folklore, it seems interested in what urban legends have to say about our culture.

I like the cut of “Bloody Mary’s” jib. Sadly, as a horror movie, it is frequently hokey. The scenes that should be scary are often laughable. A dead dog in a closest is an obviously fake special effects. Shaky CGI effects are used multiple times. Mary’s face becoming a screaming skull or dissolving into a spinning sand storm doesn’t convinced. Jump scares, that aren’t even that well edited, are employed too often. When Mary confronts one of the boys in a hotel, she… Beats him to death with her hands? Not something you’d expect a ghost to do. Sometimes, it seems like director Mary Lambert was going for humor. A jock is cooked inside a tanning bed while his date chatters mindlessly on a cellphone. Another is killed, his penis exploded, when he pees on an electric fence. The most effective horror sequences follows the Spider Bite myth. A hideous zit on a girl’s face bursts, spiders crawling over her body, biting her too death. It’s a lengthy, gruesome death scene. Sadly, once again, those cheesy CGI effects intervene. Computer-generated spiders are nowhere near as scary as real ones.

So “Urban Legends: Bloody Mary” isn’t really scary. Why do I kind of like it anyway? The cast is headlined by Kate Mara, a talented actress who still hasn’t crossed over into genuine movie stardom yet. As Samantha, Mara has a likable can-do attitude. Unlike the other movies, where the detective scenes feel purely functionary, watching Mara follow leads and dig into the past is amusing. She has solid chemistry with Robert Vito, as her equally curious step-brother. (I also like that the male lead is a brother, instead of a love interest.) Rounding out the cast is Tina Lifford as Grace. A radical black activist in the seventies, Grace still wears her afro with pride. It’s a fun character to introduce into the film and the script takes her relatively seriously. Even the jock victims are far more rounded out then you’d anticipate. Almost immediately, the ringleader wonders about his actions and cries about his dead friends.

Maybe “Bloody Mary’s” better-then-expected quality can be attributed to a script by Michael Dougherty, the screenwriter of “X-Men 2” and fan favorite “Trick r’ Treat.” The latter film certainly shows that Dougherty has a respect and understanding of urban legends. “Urban Legends 3” didn’t exactly relaunch the franchise. A fourth entry, “Ghosts of Goldfield,” was planned but ended up being released as a stand-alone film. The movie doesn’t entirely work but I wound up being somewhat charmed by it anyway. At the very least, it is way more interesting then any of the other films in this series. [6/10]

Nocturna (1979)

Here’s another one you can blame on the VHS Preservation Society guys on. When they picked up “Nocturna,” they described it as a disco horror musical about Dracula’s granddaughter. How could I resist a premise like that? Weirdly, the movie was one of three Disco Dracula movies released in 1979. That year also saw the release of “Love at First Bite” and “Dracula Blows His Cool.” With a premise so outrageous, you’d think I would’ve heard of “Nocturna” before. Having seen the movie, I now understand why the film is so obscure.

In Transylvania, the Dracula clan has fallen on some hard times. Unable to sustain themselves on blood alone, they’ve converted the castle into a hotel. This bothers Dracula and his werewolf henchmen Theodore. Drac’s granddaughter, Nocturna, welcomes the idea. A funky disco band performs in the club one night. Nocturna notices the guitar player giving her goo-goo eyes. The two immediately fall in love and travel to New York. There, Nocturna is caught up in the activities of urban vampires. However, her boyfriend is human and doesn’t know that she is a vampire. Her love for the mortal man seems to be transforming Nocturna into a human, something that deeply upsets her grandfather.

“Nocturna” doesn’t come remotely close to living up to its awesome premise. The movie is, however, truthful to one element of its “horror/comedy disco musical about Dracula” log line. There is a shit ton of disco in this movie. The presence of Gloria Gaynor and Vicki Sue Robison on the soundtrack was widely touted on the VHS art. Both only contribute a song each to the film. Gaynor recorded the reasonably-catchy theme song “Love is Just a Heartbeat Away” as a favor to a friend. Robison’s song, “Nighttime Fantasy,” plays over a lengthy scene of Nocturna just walking through the streets. The rest of the music is composed by nobodies like Moment of Truth or The Heaven n’ Hell Orchestra. There are long scenes of musicians singing or people dancing in a disco. Whether or not you like disco, the songs at least provide some energy to the movie. (Save for painful love ballad “Why Do Lovers Come Together?”)

Energy is something the rest of “Nocturna” is definitely lacking in. The film is horribly paced. There are long scenes where not much happens. The movie barely has a plot, building itself around a series of hokey, one-note jokes. Stupid comedy is the name of the game in “Nocturna.” Theodore lusts after Nocturna but she rejects him. The movie claims he is a werewolf but he never transform. Instead, this sets up a dumb gag about hairy palms. (Theodore is played by odd-ball stand-up comic Brother Theodore, who doesn’t get to show off any talent he had.) There’s a go-nowhere subplot about a council of vampires debating going public. One vamp complains about modern people eating too much sugar, making their blood unpalatable. Another vampire is a Huggy Bear-style pimp, who sells powdered blood. When a cop stumbles onto the vampire meeting, they all turn into cartoon bats and fly away. John Carradine and Yvonne De Carlo, both of whom shot their extended cameos in a few days, trade blood and bat-related puns. These are the kind of lame gags “Nocturna” is built around. None inspire laughter.

Certain aspects seem to suggest that cheap laughs and disco dancing weren’t the only things the makers of “Nocturna” had on their mind. The movie is loaded with nudity. A very long scene is devoted to Nocturna stripping, taking a bath, and then oiling her body up afterwards. Before hand, she wears a see-through nightgown. The camera lingers on Nai Bonet’s body in a lascivious, extended manner. Not long afterwards, she has a sweaty love scene with the male lead, which includes a crunchy porno groove soundtrack. Another very long scene takes place in a massage parlor. Run by the aforementioned vampire pimp, four women stripe and seduce the man. Even a disco dancing scene has a sleazy side, as Nocturna and her boyfriend strip down to their underwear on the dance floor. Despite so many obvious appeals to prurient desires, these scenes are hopelessly boring. You know something is wrong when not even naked tits can get an audience interested in what’s happening on-screen.

The saddest thing about “Nocturna” is that star Nai Bonet was apparently very invested in it. She raised about a third of the budget on her own. The film’s production company bares her name. I don’t know if it’s the actress or the material but Bonet gives an incredibly flat, off-balanced performance. (Other parts of her are, uh, not so flat.) She would retire not long after the movie flopped, suggesting she took its failure personally. Some sources call the film a “cult classic” and maybe it is among disco fanatic. For the rest of us, “Nocturna” is a painful slog, a laughless and rhythmless stream of nonsense. [3/10]

Tales from the Crypt: Staired in Horror

“Staired in Horror” has one of the most novel premises of any “Tales from the Crypt” episode. A crook on the run from a cop-assisted lynch mob flees into the Louisiana swamp. He comes upon an old building where only an elderly woman lives, the elderly being his preferred type of victim. However, a beautiful young woman seemingly lives up stairs. The old home is cursed. The old woman grows younger the further up the stairs she walks, while any potential lover grows older while moving in the same direction. This forces the two to meet in the middle if they want to make love. Their potential coupling is interrupted when the cops catch up with the crook.

It’s not often I say this but “Staired in Horror” is a “Crypt” premise that could actually sustain a feature length film. The episode, which was co-written by Teller of all people, barely has enough time to explore the idea in a half-and-hour. Just as the story is getting really good, it ends. There’s still fun to be had here. Stephen Hopkins’ direction is moody, the old house characterized by an amber tone. When the woman relates the tale of how she was cursed, the camera follows up the stairs after her. In voice-over, we hear the voices of the event as it happened. That’s a cool shot. D. B. Sweeny is nicely despicable as the run-away murderer, despite the ridiculous Cajun accent he puts on. Rachel Ticotin is gorgeous when not under make-up, bringing a lot of sensuality to the role. R. Lee Ermy has a fun bit part as the shouting sheriff. Most every tale from the crypt has a cruelly ironic ending. “Staired in Horror” has maybe the most amusingly mean conclusion the show ever contrived. Though more obviously could have been done with such an interesting set-up, “Staired in Horror” is still a good time. [7/10]

So Weird: Mr. Magnetism

Late in its third season, “So Weird” returns to the high school setting it started with. With the science fair quickly approaching, Annie attracts the attention of Zach. So many of the girls at Hope Springs High have a crush on Zach that he’s nick-named Mr. Magnetism. This moniker becomes literal when his lab experiment gives Zach magnetic abilities. Seemingly bipolar, the boy pushes Annie away as often as he attracts her. Soon, he is abusing his new abilities, endangering his own life and the life of those around him.

“So Weird” rarely focused on romance and, to season three’s benefit, that didn’t change when Annie came on the scene. When a love interest was introduced, it was usually because it tied into the episode’s theme. This is also true of “Mr. Magnetism.” Sadly, the rest of the episode is typical cornball season three bullshit. Zach’s abusive behavior is never threatening. He opens filing cabinets, moves some tables, and tosses sweet potatoes around the cafeteria. The creepiest thing he does is showed up outside Annie’s house in the middle of the night. Though the stalking really should be the focus of the episode, it takes a back seat to cheap special effects and bad magnet puns. Craig Olejnik’s performance is over the top and Zach’s bad behavior is overly melodramatic. Just to further annoy me, the episode also features Annie’s stupid spirit panther and a musical performance from Alexz Johnson. It’s so disappointing to see Mackenzie Phillips, a pop music veteran, become a back-up singer to some would-be Christina Aguilera. At least the finale, where Zach crashes the science fair, features some dramatic direction from Paul Lynch. Lastly, in my experience, guys named Zach are rarely chick magnets in high school.  [5/10]