RECENT WATCHES: Fast X (2023)

I came to the "Fast & Furious" franchise late. My best friend and former podcast co-host JD has been trying to get me into the series for years. I, however, couldn't get pass the car-bro sensibilities of the first few entries. I'm also too much of an obsessive-compulsive nerd to simply jump in at the fourth or fifth movie. The looming release of "Fast X" – supposedly the beginning of the end for the saga of Dom Torreto and his family – was the push I needed to finally indulge in this particular franchise. Over the course of a week, I raced through the previous ten movies before heading to the theaters to see "Fast X." Admittedly, I went from a "Fast" skeptic to a full-on convert by the end. While most seem to consider "Fast X" the latest disappointing installment in a series running on fumes, I'll admit I had a good time with it. Maybe Vin was right. Maybe movies like this, of such overwhelming bombast and absurdity, are best enjoyed on a big screen with a packed audience. 

Once again, Dom and his wife Letty are living in peace with their son, Little B. Once again, the mysterious Agency they've been aligned with for the last few films wants to recruit them. This time, it's to retrieve an experimental microchip traveling through Italy. Roman decides to lead the rest of the "Fast" family on this mission, Dom staying behind. That's when an injured Cipher appears at his home. She warns him that a sadistic new villain has appeared: Dante Reyes, the psychotic son of "Fast Five's" Hernan Reyes, is determined not only to destroy Dom and his family but to make sure they suffer as well. There is no microchip and the mission in Italy is a scheme by Dante. Dom and Letty try to rescue the others from Dante's plot but it goes awry. Soon, everyone is on the run from the Agency or Dante's murderous rage. 

I've commented before that the last two "Fast" movies have started to feel a bit muddled in their plotting, with so many characters running around in pursuit of increasingly unimportant MacGuffins. "Fast X" finds a perhaps inelegant solution to this problem. It essentially isolates parts of its cast to four independent storylines for most of its runtime. Dom heads to Rio, in pursuit of Dante, hoping to spare more innocents from his wicked plot. Roman, Han, Tej, and Ramsey are on-the-run from authorities through Europe, after being framed by Dante for a terrorist attack in Italy. Letty gets captured and thrown in an underground techno prison with Cipher, the former enemies forced to forge an alliance if they hope to escape. Meanwhile, Jakob Torreto rescues Little B from Dante's thugs, leading the two on a road trip across America together. Running through all these stories are appearances from two new characters, in the form of Brie Larson and Alan Ritchson as opposing members of the Agency. 

We can only speculate on why the movie is structured like this. The fact that nobody wants to work with Vin Diesel anymore might be a factor. So might Justin Lin leaving the production early on, to be replaced by graduate of the Luc Besson school of action, Louis Leterrier. Whatever the reason, I actually found this split to work fairly well. Dom's story line is by far the grimmest, with Dante playing cruel head games by endangering innocent bystander. This segment is also the heaviest on the series' trademark car stunts, featuring a brief return to its street racing roots. Letty and Cipher's prison escape movie has its own joys. Michelle Rodriguez and Charlize Theron's mutual grizzled charisma play off each other nicely. The absurdity of the techno prison setting, with its spider robots and massive air vents, amused me. As did the convoluted planning the two characters have to think up in order to escape. 

Meanwhile, the other halves of the movie are goofier than ever. Roman's gang head into a hacker shop, leading to a cameo from everyone's favorite sunken-eyed comedy star/gossip mill whipping boy. There are comedic beats here involving Han eating a pot muffin and Tyrese tossing talcum powder into the air that are totally inexplicable. Honestly, the more surreal humor blends nicely with a series that has gone so totally off the rails. The last movie that comprises "Fast X," revolving around Jakob and Brian's road trip, feels like a nineties kids movie/action flick mash-up. John Cena might as well be playing a totally different character, the fun uncle Jakob has become resembling part nine's conniving super villain not at all. Yet Cena's goofball charm seals the deal for me. By the time the former pro-wrestling superstar is driving a homemade war wagon down the freeway, launching rockets at his enemies, I really did feel like I was watching a big budget leftover from the "Suburban Commando/Double Trouble" era of action cinema. 

If the muscled-up charms of its cast are the main thing that holds "Fast X" together, this is most true of its antagonist. The "Fast" franchise didn't start getting memorable bad guys until the sixth film and Jason Momoa as Dante Reyes easily tops them all. Momoa is exactly the kind of beefy superstar you'd expect to show up in these movies. However, Momoa made the utterly inspired decision not to play Dante as a roided-up tough guy... But as a preening peacock, a camp-gay supervillain who parades through the movie in a series of gaudy outfits. Momoa is clearly having the time of his life, gloriously hamming it up as a bad guy who relishes his own fabulousness. The character's flamboyance blends well with his sadism, allowing the ridiculous excess of his evil plan to be much more easily swallowed. The over-the-top queerness of the character is an implicit threat to the hyper-macho main characters, while also allowing the series to slyly indulge in its barely bubbling-under-the-surface homoeroticism more than ever. Momoa's The Joker by way of Rip Taylor performance enlivens the entire movie and makes it substantially more entertaining than it would've been otherwise. 

Which isn't to say that the movie's main attraction – its gravity defying action scenes – aren't thoroughly amusingly in their preposterousness. The first proper action scene involves Vin and the gang chasing a giant, flaming, neutron bomb through the streets of Rome. The climatic bridge shoot-out from part five is revived, this time with Vin doing far more superhuman acts. I really can't undersell how much I enjoyed the war wagon scene with Cena as well. There's some good fisticuffs too. Cipher's escape from Dante's ambush being the first time Charlize Theron's action chops have really had a chance to shine in this series. Brie Larson, dressed as Hillary Clinton in spiky punk heels, even gets a notable action scene to herself. The climax features Dom's iconic Charger diving out of an airplane and outrunning a massive fireball. Maybe it's not as fresh as any of the chaos from "Fast Five" or six but I'm not gonna lie. I enjoyed it. 

"Fast X" is definitely very self-aware of its status as an event blockbuster, the "Infinity Wars" of this franchise. It packs its extensive runtime with multiple high-profile cameos, and to further the "Infinity Wars" comparison, ends on a downbeat cliffhanger. While you can argue about the film's merits all you want, I guess I got wrapped up in its big, doofy charms. Whether that's largely thanks to Momoa's expert hamming or just me suddenly having a fondness for this ridiculous franchise, I suppose that's for others to figure out. I'd personally would put this above the last few installments and am absolutely on the hook for "Fast X-2" or "FUR11OUS" or whatever they call it. [7/10]

RECENT WATCHES: The Fate of the Furious (2017)

Since the characters became millionaires at the end of “Fast Five,” there's really been no narrative reason for the “Fast & Furious” franchise to roll on. Not that anyone is making these movies for the art, at this point. “Furious 7” made it into the billion dollar club, completely insuring that we'd be getting more of these ridiculous spectacles. F. Gary Gray, right off the success of “Straight Outta Compton,” was recruited to steer yet another entry in this turbo-charged series. The amusingly entitled "The Fate of the Furious" would roar into theaters in April of 2017. It would be another massive hit, also grossing over a billion dollars at the international box office. Depending on who you ask though, this is when the wheels start to fall off the “Fast” machine.

While on their second honeymoon in Havana with Letty, Dom is approached by a mysterious woman known only as Cipher. Meanwhile, Luke Hobbs recruits the rest of the gang to capture a EMP device from an extremist faction in Europe. That's when Dom appears, turns on his make-shift family, and steals the EMP. Mr. Nobody pulls the familiar players together to figure out what has happened and defeat Cipher. Hobbs ends up in jail with Shaw, the two eventually busting out together and joining the mission. Nobody knows the reason Dom is working for Cipher: She has the son he didn't know existed and is blackmailing him to be part of her terrorist plot to take over the world.

As has often been joked about and referenced, “family” has emerged as the uniting theme of the latter-day “Fast” movies. Having Dom switch sides, seemingly betraying his family (but actually out of further obligation to them), pushes that idea further. It's also the exact kind of comic book style plotting I've come to expect from this increasingly far-fetched universe. However, there's a problem with inserting such a standard “What if the good guy switches side?” set-up. Without the fatherly figure of Dom Toretto to head this familia, things begin to feel a bit aimless. Forcing Vin Diesel back into the stoic tough guy mode he started in robs him of his charm. He seems so checked-out through large parts of this movie, one scene further removing his humanity by placing him in bulky armor and a mask, like a car-driving Jason Voorhees or Iron Man. Turning Dom into a traitor sullies the hang-out movie vibes that propels this series.

That story turn also represents another clear phenomenon: Writer Chris Morgan starting to run out of ideas. Plot ranks somewhere around the level of catering in importance to these films. However, there's no denying that the story is a mess. The exact nature of the world-endangering MacGuffin seems to change from scene-to-scene sometimes. It's obviously nothing more than a plot device to get the crew from one set piece to the next. The finale takes place in a Siberian submarine port overtaken by some other occupying forces, one example of the kind of plot points that come at the audiences nearly as fast as the cars do. Dom asking a favor of a mysterious new character or the sudden appearances of jet packs are other examples. The vehicular mayhem has always led the rest of the plot around in these movies. The action scenes driving the story, instead of the other way around, starts to feel like a problem.

Balancing out such a large cast continues to be an issue too. The subplots involving Dom's child, Hobbs, or the Shaws sometimes feel like another movie interceding on this one. There are other new characters thrown in too. The least inspired of which is charisma void Scott Eastwood as Mr. Nobody's sidekick. The best of which is Charlize Theron as Cipher, the seductive villain. Like everything else, she's a ridiculous character. The kind of pseudo-profound dialogue Theron has to rattle off – such as a strangled metaphor about watering holes and crocodiles – is truly baffling. Yet Theron is a pro, bringing a sinister curl of her lips to each absurd line, making an otherwise generic villain – also revealed to be the Author of All Dom's Pain, another bad cliché of modern blockbuster writing – way more appealing than she'd otherwise be.

Despite the tangled mess of a screenplay and a number of questionable narrative choices, “The Fate of the Furious” still works when centering its hyper-macho cast of goofy bros. I'm not talking about Tyrese's Rome, who becomes more annoying and inessential with every film, or Michelle Rodriguez' Letty, dragged along by the plot. Instead, the cock-measuring contest between Dwayne Johnson's Hobbs and Jason Statham's Shaw is definitely the highlight of the film. The constant trash-talking between these two, which immediately escalates to homoerotic tension and then mutual respect, is highly amusing. That's what you get when you paired two physical titans with gallons of charm against each other. That unexpected cameo also proves that letting extremely charming performers bounce off each other is the real strength of these films.

That brings me to the action sequences. There are definitely some good moments. Rodriguez gets a good one-on-one fight with a goon, that ends in a nicely grisly way. Statham and Johnson's escape from cyber-jail features their respective fighting styles – brute force and parkour – contrasting nicely. Statham is at the center of the film's other best moment, where he has to kill lots of creeps while protecting a baby. 

The movie actually peaks early as far as its vehicular stunts go. The opening street race, where Dom pushes a jalopy way past its limit, is by far the best car moment in the film. Later scenes, such as when Cipher's super-hacking turns every thing with wheels into a weapon, feel a bit desperate. This franchise falling to its need to make cars the currency of every action scene. (Dom managing to kill a submarine with a muscle car is the normal level of desperate for this series.) The extremely long climax, and the unending vehicular mayhem it involves, started to bore me quickly. Explosions and twisted metal aren't enough sometimes. 

You don't see much of F. Gary Gray's personal style in this one. A rare dutch angle or some smooth cinematography for a few seconds is about all you get. Otherwise, macho melees, CGI chaos, and lots of pyrotechnics characterizes this installment. Even when those moments are effectively done, “The Fate of the Furious” feels a bit self-conscious about its desire to always top itself and earlier entries. That's led to a scrambled script and repetitive action that too often puts the best elements in the backseat. [6/10]

Director Report Card: James Wan (2015)

7. Furious 7 (2015)

Over the course of four movies, Justin Lin managed to transform the “Fast and the Furious” series from a humble trilogy of immediately dated car flicks to one of the most popular action/adventure franchises on the planet. The fifth and sixth installment especially moved past the simple stories of street racing into elaborate heist plots with enormous action set pieces. This naturally made Lin one of the most in-demand directors around. He was so in-demand that another studio scooped him up for their own blockbuster, Lin jumping to Paramount to make “Star Trek Beyond.” This opened the door for another filmmaker of Asian descent to enter. James Wan would make the leap from horror films to blockbuster cinema with “Furious 7,” proving he wasn't only talented with low budget tales of ghosts and serial killers. It would be a great move for Wan, beginning the next chapter of his career.

Picking up from “Fast & Furious 6's” mid-credits teaser, “Furious 7” begins with the simplest of set-ups. Deckard Shaw wants revenge on Dom Torreto for what he did to his brother, Owen. First, he kills Han, then he attacks Hobbs, and lastly sets his sights on Brian O'Conor and his family. Dom rides into action, taking on Shaw personally. That's when the mysterious government agent, Mr. Nobody, steps in. He promises to help Dom take down Shaw if his team recovers a super-powerful surveillance device known as God's Eye, along with the hacker who created it. The “Fast” family are thrusts into an international adventure, involving terrorists and drones, while Dom and Shaw prepare for their inevitable face-off. 

By its seventh entry, the “Fast” franchise has long since outgrown its humble roots as a series about street racing. The last three installments established these movies are international affairs with more than a passing resemblance to Bond or Ocean. “Furious 7” pushes this conceit further. Throughout this adventure, the Torreto gang travels from London, to America to Japan, Azerbaijan, and Abu Dhabi, before heading back to Los Angeles for the big finale. Considering these movies have always been popular overseas, it's not surprising that the studio would insist “Furious 7” be more of a global adventure than ever before. 

In order to facilitate such a globe-trotting adventure, what probably should've been a simple revenge plot gets ridiculously convoluted. I guess the premise of  Shaw seeking revenge on Dom and the gang wouldn't have provided enough material for a 139 minute run time. Instead, the story's primary antagonist disappears for long stretches while the heroes pursue a practically unrelated plot device. Oh sure, there are token attempts to tie Shaw in with the entire God's Eye story line. They feel tenuous at best. “Furious 7” sometimes feels like two separate ideas for a sequel where hastily smashed together, in order to make a bigger – and, consequently, more crowded and contrived – follow-up.

Why screenwriter Chris Morgan – who has been shepherding this franchise since the third film – felt the need to get quite so complex with the plot is something I can only speculate on. The fact that this, the most ridiculously exaggerated of blockbusters, has to involve advanced surveillance technology and war drones raises some question. Are we so numb to the every day presence of these things, these aspect of the dystopian future we're all living in, that general audiences don't blink at their inclusion? Or is this some sort of half-assed commentary on the state of the world? It's hard to say, as no clear point is made about these things. Other than they are bad, I guess. At this point, the “Fast” movies are basically science fiction, making me wonder why Morgan and Wan didn't simply push the MacGuffin technology further into the realm of the impossible, rather than reminding us of U.S. war crimes in our goofball action movie.

How goofball is this sequel exactly? Paul Walker running up the side of an armored truck as it falls off a cliff is among the least memorable sights here. By this point, the “Fast” films are definitely self-aware of their own reputation for ridiculous bullshit. This is presumably why the movie commits to the utterly insane image of the heroes parachuting out of an airplane while inside their trademark cars. After all, it's accepted knowledge that Dom Torreto has superpowers as long as he's behind the wheel of an automobile. That's why he survives ramping off a cliff side, plummeting down the mountain or later using his vehicle as a battering ram against the villain's helicopter. The trademark action set pieces involve a souped-up sports car rocketing between not one but two skyscrapers. This level of CGI tomfoolery, watching the movie top itself in terms of over-the-top mayhem, is exactly the point of the franchise by this point. 

I can appreciate some utterly absurd, digital action shenanigans as much as the next guy. The one-on-one fight scenes continue to prove to be the bigger distraction here. The movie knows what side its bread is buttered on, by having its two biggest action heroes beat the shit out of each other within the opening minutes. The Rock and Jason Statham toss each other through glass walls and into desks, body slams and flying punches a-plenty going down. Of course, Vin and Statham have to duke it out before the end too, which they do in a similarly acrobatic melee. However, a surprise fight between an otherwise wooden Ronda Rousey, brought in as a special guest fighter primarily to grapple with Michelle Rodriguez, is a real highlight. It's certainly more believable than Paul Walker besting Tony Jaa, one of the great on-screen martial artists of our time, in a close quarters battle.

At this point, the size of the "Fast" family has started to grow a bit ungainly. There's about ten or eleven central characters here. Smartly, the script sidelines a few of them. Hobbs is laid up in the hospital for most of the movie, though the Rock is still available to kick some ass, carry a massive gun, and deliver macho one-liners. Jordana Brewster's Mia Torreto and Elsa Pataky's Elena are more-or-less written out of the story. Despite that, juggling the remaining cast members is getting shaky. Ludacris' Tej doesn't have much to do beyond press buttons behind a computer console, while Tyrese's Rome has officially been reduced to the role of dumb-ass comic relief. The jokes he's given are so clunky that you really wonder why he's being kept around at this point.

These cast are always expanding too. Kurt Russell drops in as Mr. Nobody, the government liaison. It's a role anyone could've played but Russell's ability to turn the hoariest of exposition into poetry elevates it greatly. Though the movie kindly gives him one action scene to himself. The rest of the new additions aren't as memorable. Nathalie Emmanuel is cute and all as Ramsey, the super-hacker at the plot's center, but she's not much more than a plot device. That's at least more than Djimon Hounsou gets, as the film's secondary baddie. All he really does is stand around and look intimidating, a total waste of Hounou's talents.

Ultimately, these are only minor supporting characters. When Jason Statham made his cameo appearance during the end credits of “Fast & Furious 6,” it was a moment designed to get a huge cheer out of the audience. Statham is of the same generation of action stars as Diesel and Dwayne Johnson. Getting all these modern icons in a movie together was a huge deal, obviously. Placing Statham as the antagonist against the rest of the team was another smart move, allowing the tough guy to do his thing. He swaggers through multiple scenes, glaring and coughing one-liners in that distinctive accent. The kind of indelible screen presence Statham has adds so much to a role that would've been utterly forgettable in anyone else's hands. He's an invaluable addition to the film.

“Furious 7” would become the biggest hit in the franchise yet, the first of the series to cross the billion dollar mark worldwide. It's easy to assume that the non-stop carnage of the last act might have something to do with this. International audiences are known to crave explosions and shoot-outs. Yet the continuous mayhem of the last act is honestly a bit deafening after a while. There's only so many scenes of machine guns shattering concrete and cars swerving around fireballs I can take before I get a bit numb to it. At over two hours long, “Furious 7” definitely wares the viewer down a bit before it's over. 

I think another factor, however, might've given this installment the extra novelty to make it the biggest of the series. We're all well aware of Paul Walker's unexpected passing before the film was released, ironically in a fast car not unlike any of the ones his character drives in this movie. As much as “Furious 7” is preoccupied with pyrotechnics, it's also something of a tribute to Walker. The role his character's family plays is repeatedly emphasized. A lengthy epilogue is inserted obviously as a way to honor Walker and send his character off. It's an emotionally overwrought moment, that seems weirdly maudlin if you somehow aren't aware of Walker's passing. It's nice too. Oversized sentimentality has always been the secret weapons of these movies and I'm glad the time was taken to make this ending meaningful.

While there are signs that James Wan brought his particular style to “Furious 7,” it's obviously this was a work-for-hire gig for him. He wanted to prove to studio execs that he could be trusted with the keys to a massive action franchise. Considering “Furious 7” went on to become one of the highest grossing movies of all time, I think he more than succeeded in that goal. Like all of these sublimely silly motion pictures, “Furious 7” is definitely entertaining. It's too absurd not to be. The constant need to top itself in terms of collateral damage and the struggles of balancing out such an overgrown cast does weigh the movie down some, even if Statham's sinew and some giant action shenanigans got me to smile too. [Grade: B-]

RECENT WATCHES: Fast & Furious 6 (2013)

By 2013, the Marvel Cinematic Universe had come to rule the multiplexes. Other studios were eager to copy that successful formula. While there's been no shortage of superhero epics in the last decade, Universal managed to retrofit the “The Fast and the Furious” into something like their own Marvel universe  in one important way. That would be the mid-credit teasers setting up the next adventure. “Fast Five” ended in a fairly final place but a last minute scene happily set up another installment. Two years later, that promise would be delivered on with “Fast & Furious 6.” Justin Lin was back behind the camera, with the all the important cast members back too. Predictably, it was another enormous hit but could it top the last one in terms of action?

Hobbs is pursuing an internationally wanted super-criminal by the name of Owen Shaw. Shaw is attempting to assemble a “Nightshade” device, a weapon that can shut off all power in a country, and only needs one more part to complete it. He decides to lure Dom Torreto and the rest of his crew out of retirement to help him. He accomplishes this with one important clue. Letty, Dom's presumed dead wife, is part of Shaw's team. This convinces Dom, Brian, and the rest to gather in London and take down this newest threat, all while attempting to figure out what happened to Letty.

We're now six installments into this turbo-charged franchise and it's built up a surprisingly lovable ensemble. One of the simplest joys of “Fast & Furious 6” is simply watching these characters bounce off each other. The film delights in pairing these guys up in novel ways. Such as Rome and Han discussing the nuances of relationships or Rome and Tej shit-talking while playing around with a massive spear gun. Gal Gadot's Giselle – definitely the least well-defined of this troupe –  gets some charming moments, when interacting with Sung Kang or new recruit to the team, Gina Carano. We've built up enough of an attachment to this group that seeing them interact and screw around is as much fun as the enormous action set-pieces.

Something the “Fast” films have lacked, up to this point, are truly memorable enemies. The last two movies especially – I'm excluding Hobbs from this, as he eventually joins the good guys, "Dragonball Z" style – had indistinct crime bosses as their antagonists. “Furious 6” manages to cook up a supervillain worthy of its increasingly overpowered heroes. Luke Evans – who Hollywood was really trying to turn into a star in the 2010s – appears as Owen Shaw. He's a super-capable bad-ass with specialized gadgets and weapons at his disposal, including hockey pucks he can attached to other cars to control them. Shaw also has a team of henchmen identified as evil counterparts of Dom's crew. Evans can certainly handle being a ruthless baddie with a sinister sneer, despite the script providing him with little in the way of depth.

Not that character depth is what we watch these movies for. No, we sit down for a “Fast” movie because we want to see some gravity defying stunts. “Furious 6” certainly delivers in that regard. Shaw's coolest gadget is an armored dune-buggy designed to launch other cars into the air, which happens repeatedly. I really never get tired of seeing cars corkscrew through the air. Probably the movie's trademark sequence involves a tank being unleashed on a freeway. This is a sequence that only escalates in absurdity as it goes along. Countless cars are pancaked under the tank treads, a muscle car is slowly shredded, and the climax to the scene – involving Vin Diesel sailing through the air in slow-motion – is hysterical. As memorable as this particular sequence is, I'm glad the movie made room for some close quarters melees too. It would've been a waste to slot Carano and Joe Taslim in the cast and not having them do some fighting. Taslim's fight scene, which involves kicking Tyrese through multiple planes of glass, is probably the best.

Melodrama is nothing new to this particular franchise. “Furious 6” features that most hackneyed of soap opera plot devices: Amnesia. Letty is working with the bad guys, and was thought dead, because she has no memories of her past with Dom. This is a solid way to retcon Michelle Rodriguez's clumsy death in the previous movie, while also giving her a juicier character arc. This is far from the movie's only narrative contrivances. There's a lengthy subplot that drops Brian into prison, a long ways to go just to confirm a simple plot point. Because movies were still ripping off “The Dark Knight” at this point, the bad guy gets captured on-purpose as part of his master plan. I don't think a “Fast and the Furious” movie needs a story that takes this many detours is my point.

While its cast of characters are doubtlessly a benefit to this film, by the final act, I was losing track of where everyone was a little bit. The elaborate finale, which involves dragging a massive air bus to the ground, has each member of Dom's team sparing off with their own partner or adversary. So much is happening, with the film cutting back and forth between each confrontation, that you feel a bit overwhelmed. The obvious money-shots in these scenes, such as Vin and the Rock taking down a musclebound baddie together, get lost in the shuffle of so much happening.

Despite some serious flaws, “Fast & Furious 6” still places high in my personal ranking of this franchise. The action sequences are really fabulous, with the movie balancing genuinely impressive stunt work and amusingly absurd digital fakery. The cast is still fun to hang out with and the script provides a suitably intimidating adversary. I don't really ask for much more from these films than that. [7/10]

Director Report Card: Neveldine/Taylor (2009) Part 1

2. Crank: High Voltage

“Crank” became a surprise critical and commercial success. It rode Jason Statham's star power to nearly 43 million dollars at the box office, a good return against his modest 12 million dollar budget. Moreover, the movie's insane theatrics won fans among regular critics and action movie obsessives. In other words, a sequel made perfect sense... Except for one tiny detail. “Crank” concluded with its lead character dying rather spectacularly. The writer/director duo of Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor did not let this hold them back. Chev Chelios would return from the grave and “Crank: High Voltage” would come to theaters two years after the original. The sequel is surely one of the most off-the-walls mainstream action films ever produced.

The film begins with Chev Chelios' climatic plummet from a helicopter above the streets of Los Angeles. After his body collided with the concrete, a group of Chinese gangsters appear and scrap Chelios off the road. Four months later, he awakens in a Triad laboratory. Chev's seemingly immortal heart has been transplanted into the 100 year old leader of the organization. Inside Chelios' chest is a high-tech robotic heart, whose batteries need to be charged on a regular basis. Chev immediately escapes, reconnects with his girlfriend Eve, attempts to retrieve his heart, crosses paths with old enemies, and goes on another insane rampage.

Neveldine/Taylor scoff at the challenges presented by killing off your main character in the first movie. It takes them about a minute to get Chev Chelios off the pavement. Not long after that, Chevy is back up, moving and killing again. In many ways, “High Voltage” directly copies the formula of the original. Once again, Statham's hero has to obey certain rules if he expects to survive. Last time, it was keeping his adrenaline up. This time, it's keeping his robotic heart charged. The directors used the first film's premise as a structure upon which to hang increasingly outrageous action set pieces. For the sequel, they push the same construction even further. Neveldine/Taylor don't see the reliance on formula as a weakness but as a set-up within which they can do anything.

Something that distinguished that first “Crank” from similar action flicks was its frenetic visual style. “High Voltage” builds on this as well. Different tricks are employed to gift the film with an energy nearly as unstoppable as its protagonist. After getting a jolt from a car battery, the camera spins around Chev in a hectic fashion, emphasizing his speed. Fast motion, slow motion, and jerky editing are utilized throughout. A playful use of subtitles and on-screen text appeared in the first movie. For the sequel, the directors build on that quirk. The gimmick of showing locations on Google Maps makes a big return. Wonky looking subtitles show up, even when a character is speaking English. A perverse idea is visualized by a light bulb literally appearing over someone's head. It all adds up to make “Crank: High Voltage” as crazy visually as it is narratively.

“Crank 2” isn't bigger than the original in one, obvious way. The sequel's budget was seven million dollars more than the first. Which is probably pretty good for a mid-tier action flick but still not much in the world of blockbuster entertainment. “High Voltage” can't be much bigger than its predecessor, so it's crazier. Jason Statham leaps down a parking garage, outpacing a car.  The violence is more explicit. Elbows are cleaved off, nipples are sliced away. A machine gun being fired inside the tight confines of a car results in blood splattering everywhere and the driver's intestines spilling out. A stripper is shot through the breasts, causing her implants to spurt out. It's nasty stuff and would probably veer too far if “Crank 2” wasn't so clearly an over-the-top comedy.

That's right: A comedy. The humor in the first “Crank” rose out of the absurdities of its action movie scenarios. “High Voltage” goes for broke, digging further into the original's over-the-top, offensive humor. Some of this stuff maybe pushes itself too far. The treatment of women – almost exclusively as frequently abused sexual objects – comes off as rather gross. Asians stereotypes are embraced, with a prostitute speaking in broken English and crude name puns. That's the kind of a movie “Crank 2” is. Nothing is off limits. So we get a flamboyantly gay character with “full body Tourettes,” causing him to suddenly gyrate in spasmodic fashions. We see a man's testicles electrocuted on-screen. “High Voltage” even mocks the first “Crank,” when the original's sincere ending is brilliantly deconstructed. You could be offended or you could realize its all exaggerated insanity and laugh along with it.

Helping sell “Crank 2's” edgiest material is Jason Statham's hilarious performance. Statham makes it clear that he'll do anything to sell a gag. When Chev is forced to rub up against random people at the race track to create static electricity, Statham tries to be subtle at first. By the end of the scene, he's dry-humping an old lady. Another fantastic sequence has Chev accosting a pair of men using a shock collar on a dog. Statham deadpans fantastically as he straps the collar on his own neck and verbally abuses the guys. Statham's ability to keep a straight face throughout the craziest situations makes him the perfect leading man for “Crank.” His ability to shrug off the wildest events makes “High Voltage” even funnier than it otherwise would've been. Statham also has a way with gloriously profane dialogue but you probably knew that already.

In the first movie, Amy Smart proved what a good sport she was. “High Voltage” takes her character to even wilder situations and Smart is still willing to play along. She first marches on-screen in nothing but a pair of booty shorts and electrical tape. Not long afterwards, she's left in the backseat of a police car to be pawed out by another stripper. Naturally, “High Voltage” reprises the original's public sex scene. Arguably, it tops it too. Smart and Statham have increasingly gymnastic sex on a race track. The scene concludes with a graphic shot of horse genitalia and Smart getting washed down with a fire hose. All along, Smart remains on the movie's juvenile, insane wavelength.

Probably a portion of the bigger budget went towards grabbing some recognizable names for the supporting cast. Dwight Yoakam and Efren Ramirez return. Yoakam is even more profane than last time, playing Dr. Mills as a skeezy weirdo, medical genius. Ramirez' character also died in the first movie but he returns as an identical twin brother. The character's particular condition allows Ramirez to give an utterly fearless physical performance. Aside from returning cast members, “Crank 2” features a number of cult icons, showing practically as guest stars. Bai Ling gives an entirely absurd performance, playing her demented character to the rafters. David Carradine appears under heavy make-up as “Poon Dong” – yes, really – and seems to relish the opportunity to act so silly. In one of his final screen credits, Corey Haim shows up sporting an amazing mallet. Fittingly, he plays a perfect white trash asshole.

There's a number of lovably insane ideas on display in “Crank 2.” Yet two sequences rise to the surface as especially inspired in their ludicrousness. Chev Chelios spends most of the film's first half chasing the man he believes has his heart, a glorious narrative red herring. After confronting him at a power plant, Chev gets a super dose of electricity. This leads us to a scene that can only be called “The Kaiju Interlude.” Chelios and his enemy appear as giants, wearing rubbery masks exaggerating their facial features. They swing through a miniature set in the clunky fashion familiar to fans of “Ultraman” and Toho movies. Melodramatic music plays on the soundtrack, the film grade even replicating movies from the sixties. And then it's over. There's no reason for this scene to be in the movie other than it's awesome. Which may very well be reason enough.

Amazingly, “High Voltage” tops the foaming-at-the-mouth insanity of the kaiju scene. Only a few minutes later, Chev is not unconscious. What follows is a visual montage of the words “Fuck you, Chelios,” shouted at the audience in different accents and context. This segues into a dream sequence of Chev, as a kid, on a British talk show. (We get another celebrity cameo here, with Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell, appearing as Chelios' mom.) That's a clever way to give the audience a peak at the character's back story. It also fits the movie's absurd sense of humor. Just when you think the movie only has offensive humor to provide, it throws a brilliant bit of nonsense like this at the audience.

By the final act, “Crank 2” has reached levels of sublime weirdness. The first movie's villain re-appears in the most surprising manner. We get a shoot-out between Latino gangsters and machine gun wielding leather daddies. It all leads up to Chev Chelios' most extreme act of self-abuse thus far. Yet in his head, he sees a day-glo, sunshine, eighties love ballad paradise. In its final moments, “High Voltage” even breaks the fourth wall. When Chev Chelios, his skin blistering and burning away, gives the audience the middle finger... How can the audience interpret that?  Are Nevldine/Taylor telling the audience to fuck off? Or is it a cynical statement on sequels themselves? Or maybe, as I believe, they're giving typical action movie rules the finger? If there's any movie that tells audience expectations to fuck off, it's this one.

“Crank 2” ends with a sequel hook, promising further adventures for the undying Chev Chelios. Sadly, the box office recipes proved somewhat disappointing. Perhaps “High Voltage” was too spicy a meatball for the normal action movie audience? While I'd obviously loved to see “Crank” become a trilogy, I wonder how Neveldine/Taylor would top a film as unpredictable as this one. Maybe they could drop Chev into some sort of post-apocalyptic world? Anyway, the original is probably fresher and some of part two's humor hasn't aged too well. Yet the sheer number of outrageous ideas on display makes “Crank: High Voltage” another instant cult classic that is massively entertaining. [Grade: A-]

Director Report Card: Neveldine/Taylor (2006)

The directorial team of Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor are two of the most distinctive voices in modern action cinema. These guys strap cameras to themselves and follow their actors into action sequences that push pass absurdity. Their best films aren't quite homage or parody. Instead, they are over-the-top exercises in genre filmmaking, pushing story conventions to the breaking point in the name of awesome action and juvenile humor. Their movies are designed to make you go "Can you believe this shit?," with a big toothy grain. And that's exactly the point. This Report Card will also include Mark Neveldine's thus far only solo credit and a few of the movies they wrote but didn't direct.

1. Crank

When “Crank” came out in 2006, I knew nothing about the directorial team of Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor. When I finally sat down to watch the movie, a few months after it came out, I didn't expect anything but another Jason Statham flick. I figured it would be entertaining but forgettable, a disposable bit of action cinema junk food. What I got, instead, was a film that mixed over-the-top action with absurdist humor in service of an adrenaline pumping screenplay. From that moment on, I knew this pair of crazy directors were one to watch. Maybe most people who saw the film had a similar experience. “Crank” would become a surprise box office success and would be far better received than most of the stuff Statham starred in. Of course, it became an instant cult classic.

Chev Chelios is a dead man. A professional assassin by trade, Chelios has recently suffered from a moral crisis. He's considering giving up the killing business to be with his girlfriend, a hopelessly naive girl named Eve. That is until he wakes up incredibly sick. A Latino gangster named Ricky Verona has dosed Chev up with a synthetic poison, “The Shanghai Cocktail.” The drug will kill Chev quickly unless he keeps his adrenaline pumping. Chelios indulges in drugs, sex, and insanity to keep his heart pumping. He heads on a rampage across the city, hoping to stay alive long enough to get his vengeance on the men who killed him.

There have been many attempts to turn video games into movies over the years. Very few of these films are good, as video games have totally different narrative and pacing needs than film. Far more successful have been films made in the spirit of video games. “Crank” takes inspiration from the likes of “Grand Theft Auto” and arcade classic “Berzerk.” The former is referenced when Chev hijacks a car. The latter makes an actual cameo. Like a hyper violent Sonic the Hedgehog, Chev Chelios has to keep collecting power-ups to survive. Except instead of magic rings, he's grabbing drugs and thrills. This is a basic set-up that just happens to allow for as much mayhem as the filmmakers can squeeze in. “Crank's” debt to video games is announced early on, with the pixelated opening title sequence. To nail the point home, a video game version of the movie plays after the end credits.

What really drives “Crank” is the frantic direction. The directors shot most of the movie with special handheld rigs, granting “Crank” a constant sense of movement. This is fitting, as its rare that Chev Chelios stops moving. Neveldine/Taylor add even more wild tricks to this already frenetic style. When Chev slams his foot on the gas pedal, the camera vibrates with excess energy. After getting a dose of some weird drug, he has a bizarre hallucination of a glowing face. Split screen – sometimes as many as four – show up to convey as much information as possible. Sometimes, security camera footage switches places with the movie's action or additional screen appear inside the film. It's a wild looking movie, suiting its bug nuts narrative.

Neveldine and Taylor push their style as far as they can go, often playing with the limitations of the screen itself. More than once, they throw subtitles into the movie for the hell of it. Sometimes this is used to spell out a long phrase. Sometimes its done just to emphasize a point. Later in the film, Chev actually sees the subtitles. This links to an earlier moment, where he asks if he has a swear word written on his forehead... Just for the word to actually appear on his head. “Crank” doesn't just include a bunch of wacky stylistic flourishes to match its rushing story and twisted sense of humor. The directors were visibly attempting to play with the rules of the medium itself.

Aside from the insane direction, what really distinguishes “Crank” from a typical Jason Statham movie is its sense of humor. “Crank” is the kind of over-the-top macho fantasy that could've come from a twelve year old boy's mind. In keeping with that approach, its humor is often crude. A sequence involving black gangsters employs numerous racial epitaphs. Chev often uses homophobic taunts against Verona. One sequence has him tossing a Middle Eastern cab driver into the street and shouting “Al Queda!” This stuff is pushed so far that it becomes absurd. This pairs nicely with the movie's other ridiculous elements. Like a deadpan Statham driving through a mall, a sequence that concludes with a car on an escalator. Or a hospital tech being casually threatened, concluding with a bare-ass motorcycle ride across the city.

For a self-aware, juvenile power fantasy like this, there was no better man for the job than Jason Statham. Statham's incredible physicality and easy charm as a performer led him inevitably to action movies. While the likes of “The Transporter” and “The Mechanic” were entertaining enough, they didn't make much use of Statham's great comedic timing. In “Crank,” the Steak shows off how damn funny he can be. Chev murders assassins when his girlfriend isn't looking, nonchalantly attacking bad guys while keeping a straight face. When Chelios is under the influence of countless drugs, Statham gets to act more frenzied and nutty. You couldn't have asked for a better Chev Chelios, someone who just says “fuck it” and goes with the insane material.

Pairing perfectly with Statham is Amy Smart. Smart plays Eve, Chev's utterly clueless girlfriend. While Statham plays his part as profane and on-edge, Smart goes for as laid back as possible. The moment when he visits her in her apartment is hilarious, Smart totally unaware of the insanity her boyfriend has been getting up to. Eve is unaware... Until she can't deny the truth anymore. Smart is willing to go with the film's wild whims too. After realizing Chev really is an assassin, she excitedly declares “My boyfriend kills people!” Of course, Smart's best moment is the notorious public sex scene. How Smart goes from uncomfortable to totally into it, in seconds, is hysterical. Smart is totally on “Crank's” adolescent wavelength, having no trouble with wearing very little clothing all throughout the movie.

There's some talented performers in the supporting roles as well. Dwight Yoakam has a showy part as Doc Miles, the physician that attempts to help Chev throughout this adventure. Despite his other career as a country singer, Yoakam's performance is delightfully sleazy. I mean, the greasy haircut helps a lot. Yoakam is surprisingly willing to dig into the profane dialogue and has lots of fun with it. Jose Pablo Cantillo is also well utilized as Ricky Verona. Cantillo mostly plays the part as a colorful Latino gangster, which certainly suits the film. Yet I like the little flashes we get at Verona's insecurities, making the character a little more fleshed out. Lastly, there's Efren Ramirez as Kaylo. A flamboyant homosexual, Kaylo is somehow an associate of Chev's. Ramirez, better known as Pedro, has fun shattering his squeaky-clean image with the absurd character.

All of this stuff probably doesn't explain why “Crank” became a surprise box office hit. I think the big action sequences can probably be thanked for that. The action pushes the small budget as far as it'll go. I've already mentioned Statham driving a car through a mall, though it remains a high light. Another back alley brawl begins with somebody getting their hand chopped off. Amusingly, the bloody stump is utilized to punch someone while the severed hand also comes into play. A shoot-out in a Chinese sweatshop features quite a few bodies falling off a building. There's a hugely bloody shoot-out in the last act, providing enough arterial spray to satisfy the action nuts. And how do Neveldine/Taylor top all of that? With a fist fight that dangles outside of a helicopter and continues even as the fighters plummet towards the ground.

“Crank's” approach to sex is pretty juvenile, fitting the mindset that drives the entire movie. Yeah, not only does Chev and his girlfriend do it in a crowded street, a bus full of Japanese schoolgirls also put in an appearance. Yet there's something a little more interesting about its approach. After escaping the factory, Chev and Eve speed down the street, pursue by attackers. In order to keep that adrenaline pumping, she goes down on him... But not to completion. So, instead, he gets out and shoots the bad guys to death. Because in the over-the-top world of action movies, sex and violence serve much the same purpose.

“Crank's” delirious action would probably threaten to burn out viewers if the directors weren't so careful to balance out the pacing. There's a few cool down scenes, balanced out between the crazy theatrics. Such as that aforementioned scene in Eve's apartment. Or Chev getting a special injection from Doctor Miles. Or a rather bizarre moment in an elevator, where our hyper-violent hero begins to hear voices. This delicate balance is really shown off in the last scene, which is actually kind of poignant, featuring Chev apologizing to his girlfriend in his final moments. It's an effectively quiet moment after eighty-eight minutes of riotous carnage.

The first time I watched “Crank,” it left me with a rushing head. The movie got me nearly as pumped as it did Chev. The action was enormous, the humor was hilarious, the direction was crazy, and the performances were perfectly matched. Without the lack of expectations I had upon that first viewing, I didn't know if subsequent rewatches would have a similar effect. Luckily, “Crank's” insanity is evergreen. The directorial duo would build their reputation on this firecracker of a film, allowing them to create a number of other totally nuts motion pictures. Personally, I'm thankful for that. [Grade: A]

THE SYLVESTER SEMESTER: The Expendables 3 (2014)

Part of the fun of “The Expendables” series is dreaming about who will show up in these movies next. Nobody does this more then Sylvester Stallone. For “The Expendables 3,” he threw out many names he had no intention of following through on. Nicolas Cage, Steven Seagal, and Clint Eastwood were all mentioned at one point. Despite these unfulfilled promises, the film did deliver on some big stars: Wesley Snipes, Harrison Ford, Antonio Banderas, and the baffling Kelsey Grammer. Most of the excitement for the third entry in the all-star series was bungled when its rating was announced. The sequel was going to be rated PG-13. Fans lost their shit. Further controversy arose when the film leaked to the internet early. Basically, a number of factors combined to make “Expendables 3” the lowest grossing film of the series and jeopardize the future of the franchise.

After rescuing an original member of the Expendables, known only as Doctor Death, the team of mercenaries get a new mission. They are tasked with capturing a weapons dealer, selling illegal weapons to warlords. Barney Ross gets a surprise when he spots the seller though. It’s Conrad Stonebank, an old friend turned sworn enemy. Stonebanks injuries a member of the team. Fearful for his friends’ life but determined to have revenge, Ross recruits a new generation of Expendables. When they are captured, he and the old team most reunite.

By the third film, the cast of “The Expendables” has bloated up to 16 central characters. Some established members get the shaft. Terry Crews is written out early on. Dolph, Randy Couture, and Jet Li aren’t given much to do. These are the flaws of an ever-growing ensemble. Some additions, however, are worthwhile. Crews’ part was originally written for Wesley Snipes. Now free of debtor’s prison, his addition to the cast feels natural. Snipes’ brings a lot of crazy energy to the part, livening the film, and has a cute rivalry with Statham. Antonio Banderas similarly peps up a thin part with some eccentricities, making Galgo a motor-mouth who likes to dance and seduce women, even in the heat of battle. Harrison Ford, stepping in for a greedy Bruce Willis, proves surprisingly fun. Not once does Ford seem like a grouchy old man. He seems to genuinely be having a good time. Lastly, Mel Gibson plays Conrad Stonebrooks. Gibson oozes hatred and wild-eyed bitterness, commenting on his real life troubles. Though he’s no Jean Vilain, he’s still one of the better villains the series has produced.

When focused on the old guys doing their thing, killing hordes of nameless henchmen, “The Expendables 3” works reasonably well. However, a lengthy section in the middle of the film focuses on Sly recruiting a new team. Since the whole point of the series is watching established action icons together, focusing on new-comers seems counter-intuitive. Worst yet, most of the new kids are not up to their mentor’s standards. Glenn Powell, as arrogant tech expert Thorn, is totally worthless. Victor Ortiz adds nothing to his character, who is the most thinly defined one in the bunch. A part presumably written for Milla Jovovich went to Ronda Rousy. Rousy has since become especially famous for beating the shit out of people. Sure, she’s good at that. But Rousy has no charisma. She’s stiff as a board, reading her lines monotonously, while her muscled body lacks screen presence. Really, the only member of the New-spendables that’s interesting at all is Kellen Lutz’ Smilee. Lutz already has some action credits to his name. Out of the new guys, he gets the coolest stunts, like flipping a dirt bike through the air. Lutz also has a molecule of acting talent, making him more compelling. Still, “The Expendables 3” is too focused on these new guys. Their recruitment and first mission take up far too much screen time.

Once the kids gets captured, and the old guys are reassembled, “The Expendables 3” finds its footing once again. With so many damn characters, the film has no shortage of things to do in its last act. Isolated in an abandoned hotel, the expanded team faces off against a literal army. Statham punches a guy into a wall. Rousy falls through the ceiling while spinning fools through the air. Dolph and Couture drive a fucking tank. Snipes assassinates baddies with his blades. Banderas joyously dances while capping enemies. Ford pilots his helicopter in improbable ways and Arnold tosses a guy into a wall. Through it all, there’s Sly, doing his thing. He screams, fires his pistol, and makes a daring leap onto a helicopter. His climatic fist fight with Mel is a bit short. However, the sheer number of guys killed in “The Expendables 3” is impressive. Honestly, the bloodless carnage doesn’t bother me any. Is it any better or worst then the CGI blood-fest the first two were? The film is no less thrilling.

“The Expendables 2” was satisfied with filling its margins full of in-jokes. And that was fine. Part three has its fair share of in-jokes too. Schwarzenegger commands people to get to the choppa’. Just by playing a pilot, Ford recalls Han Solo. Mel’s character is quite mad while Snipes is said to have been put away for tax evasion. My favorite joke is one of the most out-of-the-blue. Zooming pass decades of gay subtext, “Expendables 3” seemingly makes two of its heroes literally gay. I’m surprised that didn’t get more press. Yet the film has thematic concerns as well. The plot, of old Sly recruiting a bunch of younguns to replace his team, is ripe with real world echoes. Age and becoming irrelevant is definitely on the film’s mind. That the new team aren’t nearly as interesting or effective as the classics is something the script seems unaware of addressing.

On one level, I understand while fans were so antagonistic towards this one. Sly’s continued attempts to appeal to a wider audience, with the younger cast and the softer violence, seems misguided. For its’ flaws, I still had a good time with part three. Though its’ opening weekend numbers were dispiriting, “Expendables 3” still made money. There has been talk about continuing the series. I won’t regale you with my “Expendables 4” wishlist. (Nic Cage, Jackie Chan, Michelle Yeoh, and Michael Jai White are all near the top, I assure you.) If a fourth is even made is currently unknown. But I’ll see it. What the hell else am I suppose to do? Getting a bunch of washed-up action heroes together hasn’t lost its appeal to me, at the very least. [7/10]

[THE STALLOWNAGE OF SLY: 4 outta 5]
[X] Frank Stallone or Frank Stallone-esque Inspirational Music
[] Incapacitates or Kills Someone With His Body
[X] Shows Off Buffness
[X] Social Outcast [Isolated Mercenary]
[X] Sweaty, Veiny Yelling 

Aside from the possibility of an "Expendables 4," Stallone is now more focused on returning to his other trademark characters. Sly continues to enthusiastically discuss a fifth and final Rambo movie, even going so far as to actually title it "Last Blood." If that gets made probably depends on the performance of his next movie. "Creed," the unexpected Rocky spin-off, hits theaters this fall and looks surprisingly good. Is watching Stallone still do his thing as he gets further into his old age still exciting? Actually, kind of, yeah. That's the thing about Sylvester Stallone. The man never gives up. The man will keep fighting, keep trying to find the eye of the tiger and go the distance, until the day he dies. There's something to be admired about that.

Thus concludes the Sylvester Semester. Thank you for reading.

THE SYLVESTER SEMESTER: The Expendables 2 (2012)

Before the first “Expendables” came out, some people wondered if it would be a success at all. Sure, Stallone had pulled off something of a come-back in recent years. But would people really march out to the theaters to see a bunch of washed-up action stars and a few action unknowns? “Yes” is apparently the answer to that question, as “The Expendables” became a hit. Almost immediately, Stallone went to work on “The Expendables 2.” Promising more eighties icons and bigger action, the sequel corrected many of the mistakes the first film made. The result was a more fun and satisfying flick.

The Expendables are still up to their old tricks, rescuing a kidnapped millionaire from some banana republic in the opening action beat. They have a new teammate, a young sniper named Billy - wait for it - the Kid. Mr. Church isn’t done with Barney Ross though. He drafts him for another mission, to retrieve a computer containing sensitive information from a crashed airplane. After carefully rescuing the computer with the help a female agent, a mysterious villain steals the box. He also kills Billy. This time, it’s personal! The Expendables plan to track, find, and kill Vilain for revenge. Along the way, they may stop the bad guy’s plot too.

My biggest reservation about the first “Expendables” was the shaky action and overly grim tone.  Sylvester Stallone traded directing duties with Simon West, the “Con Air” filmmaker. The result is a film with much clearer action and a much lighter tone. With the exception of an overly chaotic plane crash, the action scenes are shot in the classic style. Henchmen are blasted away, punches land brutally, explosions result, and we can all tell what’s going on. The opening tank chase through the town is rightfully ridiculous. A motorcycle landing in a helicopter is only the most absurd moment. My favorite beat is Jet Li fighting off guys with frying pans. The following plane chase is fantastically orchestrated. A shoot-out in an empty town is clear and fun, as is a scuffle with goons in the European village. The action is as huge as the first film’s but it’s far more satisfying to watch.

The sequel also juggles its ensemble cast better then the original. Despite adding more cast members, the original Expendables are given more to do. Barney and Lee’s friendship is developed more. We see Ross teasing Christmas about his girlfriend. The camaraderie among the Expendables is focused on more. His betrayal of the team seemingly forgotten, Dolph Lundgren’s Gunner evolves into the goofball of the team. Lundgren’s real life history as a chemist is brought up, paying off nicely. Terry Crew’s Hale and Randy Couture's Toll were underserved last time. Crew becomes a boisterous body-builder who is slightly unhinged. Couture becomes somewhat sensitive and brainy. Though Jet Li exits the movie early on, even he seems better utilized. Over all, it seems Stallone and his team had a stronger understanding of the characters and the cast.

The additions to the cast are mostly welcomed. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis only had cameos last time. In part two, they graduate to proper cast members. Arnold and Willis get involved in the action, helping the main heroes out and telling jokes. Speaking of jokes! Chuck Norris drops in as Booker, a mysterious uber-badass who helps the team out. Despite Norris being in his seventies, the character plays into his Internet legend as the ultimate badass. When not killing people, Norris shows the easy-going charm that has always been his appeal. Newcomer Yu Nan plays Maggie Chan, a part I suspect was written for Michelle Yeoh. Despite being a complete unknown, Nan works well with the team, bringing humor and humility to her part. Really, the only newcomer I don’t care for is Liam Hemsworth as Billy. A performer I’ve taken to calling the Lesser Hemsworth, he's performance is flat. The biggest question is, “Why is he here?” What business does a teeny-bopper heartthrob like him have doing here? Furthermore, it is obvious Billy was born to die. The character might as well have a target on his back.

Of all the actors added to the cast, the bad guys are the most important. Stallone courted Jean-Claude Van Damme for the original “Expendables” but he declined. Obviously realizing he was missing out, Van Damme signed up for the sequel. Perhaps it was for the best. Jean-Claude plays the villain, Jean Vilain. The part plays to JCVD’s strengths. He brings an eccentric quality, dancing and making dramatic hand gestures, while maintaining an intimidating body language. Considering Van Damme’s evolution into a fine dramatic actor, he makes the character sadistic, intellectual, and just cold enough not to care about the people he kills. He provides a distinct villain to the piece and really helps bring “The Expendables 2” together. Another fine addition is Scott Adkins as Vilain’s main henchman. Adkins may be the modern equivalent to what Van Damme was back in the late eighties so it’s a smart choice.

Though action-packed throughout its run time, “The Expendables 2” really piles it on in the last act. The heroes corner the villains in an abandoned airport. At this point, the movie explodes into an unrelenting celebration of action movie violence. Everyone gets a stand-out moment. Stallone, Arnold, and Bruce Willis blast away bad guys together, fulfilling a dream action nerds have shared for decades. Later, there’s a great gag between Arnold and Bruce involving a tiny smart car. Dolph kicks a guy off a balcony. Terry Crews and Randy Couture employ tossed razor blades. Statham and Adkins share a bloody, immensely satisfying fist fight. Norris swoops in and takes a few more names. The final fight between Sly and Van Damme could have gone on longer but still provides some awesome moments of ass-kickery. I mean, JCVD does two spinning roundhouse kicks!

“The Expendables 2” is the movie the first one should have been. It’s a light-hearted action-fest that piles on the callbacks and in-jokes, while nicely balancing its extensive cast. Not only does it feature many stars of eighties cinema, it actually feels like something that could have been made in the eighties. Perhaps it’s not high art. Yet it’s hard to deny a film that is this much pure fun. [8/10]

[THE STALLOWNAGE OF SLY: 3 outta 5]
[X] Frank Stallone or Frank Stallone-esque Inspirational Music
[X] Incapacitates or Kills Someone With His Body
[] Shows Off Buffness
[] Social Outcast
[X] Sweaty, Veiny Yelling