Halloween 2025: September 17th

 

The Toxic Avenger (2023)

Troma Entertainment has always prided themselves on being crude, ridiculous, offensive, salacious and independent. Despite that, a Hollywood-ized version of their trademark character has been in development for thirty years. Shortly after the hyper-violent and perverse “Toxic Avengers” films were inexplicably turned into a kid-friendly cartoon and toy line, New Line Cinema bought the movie rights to “Toxic Crusaders.” In 2006, Lloyd Kaufman would publish a novel version of the story that promised a big budget remake was in development. By 2010, Steve Pink of “Hot Tub Time Machine” had signed on to direct, Arnold Schwarzenegger was in talks to play Toxie's mentor, and a PG-13 rating was promised. Both had dropped out by 2016, with DreamWorks animation director Conrad Vernon now attached. Two years later, Legendary Pictures acquired the rights with Macon Blair writing and directing. The previously sanitized adaptations were discarded, as Blair promised to make a movie that was true to Toxie's roots. He achieved this too well, it seemed. Despite starring recognizable actors, the reboot's content made distributors nervous. After two years on the festival circuit, Cineverse put the movie in thousands of theaters without an MPAA rating. This did not replicate the unrated success the company had with “Terrifer 3” last year but at least Blair and company can rest assured that they made an uncompromising re-imagining of “The Toxic Avenger.”

The city of St. Roma's Village, New Jersey is owned and run by pharmaceutical mega-corp BTH. Their drugs give customers horrible diseases. Their factories pump chemicals into the water supplies. The townsfolk live in fear of the mob, who directly work with BTH CEO, Bob Garbinger. Winston Gooze is a humble janitor for BTH, a single dad trying to raise his step-son, Wade. Winston learns that he has a terminal illness. Treatment exists but, of course, his insurance doesn't cover it. Desperate, he tries to talk to Garbinger at a company event only to be kicked out. With no other options, he dips his mop in some caustic chemicals and tries to rob his work place. He gets mixed up with a whistleblower attempting to expose the company and winds up shot in the head by BTH's personal hit squad/nu-metal band. His body is dumped into the chemical infested lake, which interacts with his tumors in a unique way. Winston is transformed into a hideously deformed monster hero of superhuman size and strength. Acts of vigilante justice make him beloved among the populace and hated by BTH. Winston must team up with the revolutionary if he hopes to expose the company, stop Garbinger's evil scheme to steal his blood, and save Wade. 

That major studios were determined for so many years to make a proper superhero epic out of "The Toxic Avenger" is especially bizarre. The Troma brand is built upon a particular aesthetic and attitude that has grown only more willfully abrasive as the years have gone on. Despite having the backing of Legendary's private equity money, Macon Blair and his team have done a shockingly good job of maintaining the maximalist Troma tone. This "Toxic Avenger" is packed with bodily dismemberment, profanity laced dialogue, freakish practical creature effects, a fatal fisting, and includes one (1) urinating mutated monster dong. The movie is intentionally cheap looking, with a lot of janky digital effects interacting with all that fake blood and rubber intestines. The script includes the kind of anti-capitalist humor Lloyd Kaufman is known for, depicting its corporate CEO as a cartoonishly corrupt, self-involved man-child who is openly in cahoots with organized crime. There are vague shout-outs to hot button topical issues like cancel culture, police brutality, nerd entitlement, and social media. More than anything else, Blair's movie is unendingly loud, self-aware, hyperactive, and obnoxious. It's never as crude as a home-grown Troma movie would be. The reboot is noticeably short on sex, nudity, violence against women, paraphilias, and slurs. However, this still looks and feels like a Troma movie with some semblance of a budget that inexplicably stars actors you've actually heard of. 

As well defined as the Troma brand is, most of the movies featuring their logo are also acquired productions made by lunatics far outside the Hollywood system. Films like “Redneck Zombies” or “Beware! Children at Play” are also packed full of bizarre digressions and weird in-jokes. The kind of dumb shit that makes the director and his friends giggle that anyone outside that social circle – the entire audience – will not understand. That would likely be removed by the creative process of a bigger production. Surprisingly, Blair's “Toxic Avenger” captures this feeling as well. The little brother of the main villain is a hunchback named Fritz, a Universal Monsters reference, that inexplicably manages an Insane Clown Posse/Slipknot-like rap/rock group. These guys are a surprisingly big part of the film, their individual band members getting defining gimmicks. Like the corpse paint wearing DJ who speaks in an indecipherable language subtitled with obscure symbols. Or the parkour dancer dressed like the Zodiac Killer. In his adventure, Toxie also meets a raving homeless man who is prone to elaborate rants or going on unrelated digressions.

It's weird and specific in a way a mainstream superhero movie assuredly is not. Did I personally find it amusing? Sometimes. Blair's script is so loaded down with screaming and swearing that it becomes overwhelming immediately. The reboot also replicates Lloyd Kaufman's nihilistic world view, in which the entire planet is a corrupt and stupid place pressing down on a handful of decent people. (Who are also ultra-violent mutants, usually.) However, there is enough pointed weirdness here that I chuckled a fair amount. A running gag that Winston's exact condition is never specified is well done. Toxie's pee having an acidic quality comes back around nicely. The comedic timing is too often off. Decent gags, like an attempted seduction going awry in all the right ways or the reveal of what's under a particular mask, feel off-balance in how they are delivered. However, I did laugh a fair number of times, so I suppose I got my money's worth.

What might keep the movie truly afloat is a cast trying awfully hard to invest this utterly manic material with some heart. Kevin Bacon, as the Peter Thiel-like villain, focuses hard on bulging out his eyes and being perpetually awful. That's the tone a lot of the supporting players go with, probably because it's what the material demanded of them. However, Peter Dinklage is utterly sincere as Winston. He's such a kind-hearted guy trying his best – if beaten down by a relentlessly cruel world – that you kind of don't buy his transformation into a blood-thirsty do-gooder. Jacob Tremblay, as the ambiguously autistic step-son, is game for the crazier elements of the script while acting like he's in a far tamer film. Weirdly, the relationship between Toxie and his kid is the heart of the film and that element works surprisingly well. It certainly works better than the subplot of Taylour Paige as the left-wing agitator seeking to expose the evil corporation. That entire element of the film is also played largely straight and never quite integrates with the rest of the story. 

What the film noticeably is not is a parody of modern superhero movies. The only time the reboot stops to comment on the formulas popularized by Marvel is in a piss-take on the entire concept of a post-credit scene. Which is also maybe the best joke in the whole movie. I can see why absolutely every big distributor looked at this film and passed on it. Not only because its content. Despite its proudly trumpeted unrated status, I only think two gags truly exists outside the boundaries of modern, R-rated gross-out comedies. No, the movie is also kind of a slapdash mess, never as funny as it wants to be or as bold as it needs to be. However, I'm still glad this motion picture exists. I laughed and smiled a good number of times throughout its runtime. If nothing else, the sheer unlikeliness of a “Toxic Avenger” movie starring actors that have been nominated for Emmys, Golden Globes, and Teen Choice Awards is a novelty that's hard to overlook. I would assuredly take this messy, off-balanced, and clearly personal take on Toxie over whatever a remake squeezed through the mainstream blockbuster meat grinder would've looked like. Better an off-kilter half-success than the face of independent adolescent punk-rock horror/comedy splatter becoming more slop for the streaming factory. [7/10]
 

Spellcaster (1988)

Recently, I had to make the extremely heartbreaking decision to cut SiriusXM from my monthly budget, deciding I can no longer justify paying for radio. This means I had to say goodbye to 1st Wave, the station devoted to “classic alternative and New Wave.” Truly, how will I get through my daily commute without hearing “Never Say Never” by Romeo Void and “Major Tom (Coming Home)” by Peter Schilling every morning? Jokes aside, I did grow fond of that station's on-air personalities during my years of being subscribed to the service. Especially recent Hollywood Walk of Fame recipient Richard Blade. Best known for his role as a DJ on influential and beloved California radio station KROQ, Mr. Blade did make a few attempts to break into other branches of the media over the years. Among his handful of mostly music-related acting credits is “Spellcaster,” a Charles Band production from 1988 that features most of the things you associate with Charles Band productions filmed in the eighties. In other words, the Halloween Horror-fest Blog-a-Thon has presented me with an unlikely chance to put a face to the accented, high-energy voice I'm now no longer hearing on a regular basis. 

Presumably because they don't have parents, orphans Jackie and Tom are working in a crappy fast food restaurant. They recently entered a contest through Rock-TV, their favorite music video centric cable station, and are elated to see they've been selected. The two are flown out to an obscure corner of Europe, to a sprawling castle owned by the mysterious Mr. Diablo. People from all over the world have been invited to participate. Video jockey Rex seems to be hosting the event, partially as an advertising effort for pop star Cassandra Castle. (Whose career is taking a downturn lately because of her alcoholism.) A check for a million dollars has been hidden somewhere in the castle. The first person that can find it, gets to keep it. However, it soon becomes apparent that something unusual is happening here. People are starting to disappear or act oddly. As the weekend goes on, Jackie and Tom are witness to bizarre monster emerging from the shadows and attacking people. It turns out that the contest is connected to Cassandra and the unseen Mr. Diablo. 

If the internet is to be believed, “Spellcaster” would begin production in 1986. That's right around the time Charles Band bought an actual fucking castle in the countryside of Rome, a 12th century structure known as Castello di Giove. This is also around the same time that Empire Pictures, his then production company, started to collapse into financial disarray. This might explain why “Spellcaster” has what can be called a loose plot. The film is largely devoted to the various characters wandering around the castle, trying to have sex with each other until some sort of monster appears to kill or attack them. The biggest problem with this set-up is that none of the characters are all that distinct. The easiest way to tell the various players in “Spellcaster” apart is by their accents. There's a French girl, an English girl obsessed with hunting, a sleazy Italian guy. The difference in voices is especially important as several of the women are varying shades of blonde, making it easy to mix them up. Aside from their nationalities, the cast members are given few other defining characteristics. You know things are bad when the token fat guy, obsessed with food, is one of the more fleshed-out participants. 

The impression that “Spellcaster” was an almost improvisational production is also supported by its creature effects. John Carl Buechler was Band's go-to monster guy during this period, supervising the creation of many slimy, wrinkly, weird creatures for motion pictures ike “Ghoulies,” “Troll,” and “TerrorVision.” Those films had some sort of unifying visions behind their monstrosities though. In “Spellcaster,” the cast members explore the castle until some sort of threat emerges from the shadows or curses them. There are plenty of cool and fun ideas here. A sequence where a large, wooden throne springs to life and devours the person sitting in it isn't bad. A suit of armor comes to life. Upon being decapitated, a flying, flesh-y worm beast pops out.  A painting depicting a horned creature embracing a maiden leaps into reality, providing the film with its most comic book-like beastie. I can enjoy all of this stuff for its ingenuity, the gooey and slightly cartoonish latex and rubber being a joy to behold in its own right. But it would've been nice if there was more rhyme or reason to the how and why of these things appearing. 

Richard Blade plays the VJ, Rex, a character that is essentially a rather sleazy horn-dog who seems most interested in getting into the pop star's pants than the contest he's supposed to be hosting. Said pop star is portrayed by Bunty Bailey, most famous for her starring role in a-ha's “Take On Me” music video. The above-the-title talent in “Spellcaster” is Adam Ant, formally of the Ants and probably the most visible of the New Romantic style in the early eighties. All of which suggests that “Spellcaster” was designed to cash-in on the popularity of MTV at the time. This forms the closest thing the movie has to an actual point. Clearly, Cassandra Castle is miserable about something. She's so dependent on booze that she licks it up off the floor at some point. Throughout the film, people are tempted by the offer of money, sex, or fame. When Jackie finally confronts Diablo in the last ten minutes – the only time Mr. Ant is actually on-screen – he is quickly revealed as a Luciferian figure of some sort. Yes, he purchases souls in exchange for the fulfillment of fantasies in the most diabolical of ways. The observation that the entertainment industry, and the music world especially, is comparable to a deal with the devil is nothing new. “Spellcaster” certainly doesn't have any fresh thoughts on the idea, the epilogue leaving the viewer unsure of how these soul-selling agreements work. It remains the sole semi-coherent premise in a movie that feels more like a bunch of unrelated ideas tossed together.

“Spellcaster” was directed by Rafal Zielinski. This was his first horror movie, as he seemed to specialize in ribald farces like the “Screwballs” trilogy or “Recruits” before this. You can still tell that titty comedies is what Zielinski had experience with. Aside from the many goofy touches in the film, an air of horniness floats over all of “Spellcaster.” Not the fun kind either. There's at least two sequences of a woman luring a man in with a sexy shower or bath before pushing him out of her bedroom, leaving him sexually frustrated. Later, one of the rejected men gets more insistent in demanding sexual services from a random female. There's also a scene where some rotting mummies yank down the top of a body double clearly bustier than the actress she's posing as. I guess we can assume the film is criticizing men who feel entitled to women's bodies. The entire movie is a bit too leering and corny to accept that. Yes, one can't help but declare this to be one of those old eighties movies that come across as rather “Rape-y” to modern eyes. 

Intended for release in 1987, “Spellcaster” got caught up in Empire's money problems. The movie would sneak out onto TV in 1989 before a VHS release followed in 1992. By which point, the extremely eighties aesthetic of the entire production must have seemed quite dated. I don't know what Adam Ant was up to by then but it certainly wasn't burning up the charts. Ant's character mostly appears as a set of hands vamping around a crystal ball, suggesting Band was only able to get the pop star for a day or two of filming. This exposes “Spellcaster” as another low-budget rip-off job. (Also apparent in the song that plays over the end credits, which definitely was not sung by Adam Ant but could be mistaken for him if you aren't paying attention.) There is a certain charm to its goofier touches and those rubbery monster effects. The film simply doesn't hold together as anything but a handful of set-pieces with a lot of padding otherwise though. Not Richard Blade's best work, in other words. [5/10]

In Search Of...: Moon Madness

Last year, I declared “In Search Of...” to be, for me personally, the most relaxing television series that could conceivably be called “horror.” Which does not mean that the show didn't tap into the same sort of hysterical paranoia and doom-saying as any of today's pseudo-scientific, quasi-documentary programs. A typical such example, identifiable as from the later seasons because of Leonard Nimoy's uneven mustache, is the episode “Moon Madness.” It sees “In Search Of...” examining the long-held belief that the full moon causes people to act in erratic ways. The episode presents Arnold L. Lieber's 1978 book “The Lunar Effect: Biological Tides and Human Emotions” as the main evidence for the scientific credibility of this often-discussed idea. Lieber presented the theory that, since the Moon's cycle can effect the planet's tide, it can also effect the level of water in our bodies. He supposedly correlated the crime statistics in his city with the new and full moons, as proof of this idea. 

For its credit, “In Search Of...” does bring on lauded astronomy professor, and founding member of the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, George Abell. Abell and his extraordinary beard expose this idea as bullshit. Humans are so tiny and minute that any conceivable effect the moon's gravitational pull could have on our brain chemistry is negligible. A mosquito on the shoulder exerts more gravitational weight on us than the moon does. Despite that – as Nimoy's most famous character would say – highly logical conclusion, “Moon Madness” is still packed with alarming recounting of homicides, robberies, and general criminal acts, that the script insists rises and falls with the waning and waxing of the lunar body. These factoids are paired with footage of erratic urban activity, emergency rooms, and newspaper headlines. Any kid watching this half-hour when it was new could conceivably be tricked into believing that the moon was coming to fucking kill them.

The interviews with Mr. Lieber are supplemented by footage of him looking at very important seeming charts, computers, and case files. Still, it's obvious that wouldn't make for much of an exciting half-hour of television. That's when “In Search Of...” does what it did best and bring up a bunch of barely related but fascinating digressions. A sequence is devoted to the idea that primitive men hunted better during the full moon. That their female counterparts noticed their fertility changing on a monthly cycle, not unlike the moon's. The story of 18th century Edinburgh cabinet maker William Brodie, who was a deacon by day and a burglar by night, is brought up. Especially his claim that his unseemly behavior was caused by moon madness. Even Nimoy's narration must dismiss this idea by saying the jury was unconvinced, while bringing up the unlikely possibility that Brodie had dissociative identity disorder. We can reasonably say that Brodie did inspire Robert Louis Stevenson to write “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.”  

To horror fans, that last point stems from probably the most interesting element of “Moon Madness.” Naturally, the episode must discuss the myth of the werewolf. This is paired with Nimoy lurking around a shadowy forest at night and footage of a hairy wolfman stalking the moors. As far as I can tell, that footage was shot specifically for “In Search Of...” and isn't from any movie. The episode also concludes with what I found to be its most amusing moment. That would be a digressions about Georges  Méliès' “A Trip to the Moon.” Nimoy strangely refers to the film as a cautionary tale, calling the famous shot of a face in the moon “demonic.” Really? You sure about that, Leonard? This leads to a hilarious monologue about the Apollo moon mission and how it was actually a moment of earthly peace and brotherhood, in opposition to the idea that moon causes madness. What the fuck does that have to do with anything? I mean that in as complimentary a manner as possible. I love this stupid shit. [7/10]

 

The Addams Family: Morticia & Gomez vs. Fester & Grandmama

Awkward as this one's title might be, it does point towards this being one of the few episodes of “The Addams Family” that gives all the main cast members something to do. Gomez hears that a bad storm dubbed Hurricane Zsa-Zsa is blowing in on the cost. It's the perfect romantic circumstances for him and Morticia to have a second honeymoon, retreating to the same rickety hotel they visited years prior. A problem emerges, however. Recent incidents with dynamite and wrestling alligators has caused the parents to worry Uncle Fester and Grandmama might be spoiling Wednesday and Pugsley. They seek out a governess to watch the kids while they are gone. This greatly insults the uncle and grandmother, who enact a series of petty rebellions against the rest of the family. Upon arriving at their dilapidated vacation resort, Morticia realizes that she grabbed the governess' bag instead. Upon seeing what is in Miss Thud's bag, the parents begin to doubt her abilities after all. 

“Morticia & Gomez vs. Fester & Grandmama” – that makes this sound like a legal battle themed episode – does pack in some fine sight gags. After Fester and Grandmama get insulted, they paint a line down the middle of the house, separating the home in two. “The Munsters” did this joke too. However, this does set-up some funny moments. Such as when Lurch is asked to split the newspapers between the rival factions, which quickly proves overwhelming for the butler. I'm impressed with how long that joke goes on. There's also a good, throwaway gag where Fester thumps on his chest a few times, producing different sounds. Instead of the governess being horrified by the Addams' style, she is thoroughly into it. Ms. Thudd considers it cozy and, perhaps, might actually be more harsh than the Addams. She bosses Lurch around too. There's also a nicely random bit where a suit of armor starts coughing after Gomez tosses his cigar into its helmet. 

That suit of armor appears in an earlier scene, where Thing pops out of its hatch. I previously speculated that the boxes Thing appears out of contain portals of some sort, allowing the hand creature to leap around the house. Now I'm beginning to suspect that Thing can generate these wormholes itself. Another reoccurring observation I've had about “The Addams Family” is John Astin and Carolyn Jones' very real chemistry. The way she caresses his face here seems rather intimate. There's a great bit about him mistaking her cries of concern for pleas for him to embrace her. Once again, I'm a bit surprised at how clearly sexy these two's interactions were allowed to get. Finally, this episode reveals that the Addams' home has a mot with at least one alligator in it. I don't see the mot in any of the exterior shots of the house and a later line of dialogue confirms it being in the basement. Perhaps Thing is not an eldritch entity and it's the Addams' home itself that is non-euclidean in nature? [7/10]

Halloween 2024: October 3rd

Coming Soon (2008)

Program na winyan akat

Some years back, a list started to circulate around social media displaying the scariest films for each of the last fifty years. According to who? The person who created the image, I guess. Most of the usual suspects were present and accounted for, as you'd expect, but a few more left-field choices did crop up. One of which, for the year 2008, was “Coming Soon.” This was the sole title mentioned that I was unfamiliar with. A little research showed me it was a well-regarded Thai film, the directorial debut of Sophon Sakdapisit. Sakdapisit previously wrote “Shutter,” the film largely responsible for putting Thai horror on the map in the new millennium. That film was also my previous sole exposure to terror tales from this particular country. Since my journey around the world via horror films this season has brought me back to Thailand, watching “Coming Soon” seemed like the logical next step to take.

A multiplex holds a cast-and-crew only screening of “Resentful Spirit,” a yet-be-released horror film. Projectionist Shane, a former drug addict trying to rebuild his relationship with co-worker Som, has agreed to bootleg the film pre-release and sell it to some gangsters. As his friend Yon records a clandestine screening of the film, he mysteriously vanishes. Shane investigates further and soon sees that Yon's dead body is now part of the movie. Haunted by visions of the film's ghostly antagonist, Shane becomes convinced the movie is cursed. Teaming up with Som, he digs into the origins of the film and the grisly legend – of a mad woman who kidnapped children and gouged their eyes out, before a mob lynched her – that inspired “Resentful Spirit.” Can he unravel this mystery before it is too late?

"Coming Soon" begins with a lengthy clip from the film-within-the-film. This scene features lots of shaky cinematography, ghastly gore thrusts into the audience's face, and loud jump scares. As the black bars of the letterbox format push in on the images, it's revealed to the audience that what they are watching is fictional within the film's context. At first, I took this as a backhanded criticism from Sakdapisit about the clichés of the horror genre. Surely some sort of point about the differences between what hack filmmakers think is scary and what is actually scary is emerging? While "Coming Soon" doesn't feature much shaky-cam, it has no problem with deploying gory special effects and screaming jump scares. The visage of the ghost woman is admittedly quite unnerving. The scenes of her clawing out eyes or tearing her own jaw apart are effectively grisly. As for the jump scares... I don't think there's any modern horror trope I criticize more but, like everything else, the sudden shock is merely another tool in the filmmaker's toolbox. It can be used well. "Coming Soon's" litany of shrieks are professionally orchestrated. The ghostly corpse appearing in a flickering hallway, assuming the appearance of Shane's girlfriend in a dark basement, or lingering behind him in an elevator are all decently executed. Personally, I find moments like these most effective when paired with prolonged suspense or an atmosphere of sustained dread. However, if a barrage of well done boos is what you want from a horror movie, "Coming Soon" will likely prove most satisfactory. 

If the focus on screeching ghost faces didn't make it apparent, "Coming Soon" has a limited interest in subverting audience expectations. The script has a frustrating habit of seeming to go in a more clever direction before getting right back on the expected track. Midway through the story, Shane and Som seek out the origins of the legend that inspired the cursed movie. As in "Ring," "The Eye," and "Shutter," their investigation takes them to a remote village in the country. This all proceeds a decently surprising twist that seems to confound what you'd typically expect from a plot structure like this... Before another routine origin is plainly revealed for this haunting. This is not the only time "Coming Soon" counteracts a swerve. Shane eventually decides burning the physical film might end the curse, a standard conclusion to make in a movie like this. Instead, this action traps him in a time loop. Instead of pursuing this idea further, it's merely another set piece on the way to a standard climax. 

"Coming Soon's" disappointing habit of going right up to the line of truly subverting expectations only to conform at the last minute is most evident in its apparent unwillingness to communicate with its own subtext. "Coming Soon" is about watching a horror movie cursing the viewer. The ghost summoned by this act gouges out your eyes, the organs you watch with. The mechanics of the curse are built around the viewer unknowingly being witness to a horrible act. This thread climaxes with a fourth wall breaking moment, the ghost accusing us, the watcher at home or in the theater, of being similarly complacent. A self-reflective horror movie that examines why people are compelled more to watch than to help is a fascinating idea. Instead of expounding on this idea, "Coming Soon" focuses on standard scares and a melodramatic subplot about Shane and Som's history. Scenes based around a significant timepiece are so schmaltzy as to feel utterly out-of-place. "Coming Soon" is short too, running only a little over eighty minutes, so this sweaty romantic subplot is all the real development the protagonists get. That makes it difficult to be invested in their ultimate fates. 

Unlike a lot of Asian horror films that received international attention in the 2000s, "Coming Soon" was spared a mediocre Hollywood remake. I can't imagine this one being improved by getting the "One Missed Call" treatment. However, a good remake that delves more into the ideas present in the film, of interrogating why we are drawn to watch horrible acts, would be a worthwhile endeavor. Despite the obvious skill on-display in "Coming Soon," it never rises above the standard ghost movie shenanigans it seems designed to counteract. That rotting corpse ghost woman – whose slashed mouth, twisted ankles, and stringy hair seems to combine different mythological figures from across the Asian continent – is pretty freaky though. Hopefully she doesn't start popping out at me after watching this one. Would giving "Coming Soon" a middling score make me more or less likely to be targeted by the curse? We should've gotten a sequel about that... They could've called it "Coming Sooner." [6/10]

Zone Troopers (1985)

Charles Band may be the last exploitation movie producer – in the grindhouse/drive-in sense, where the line between coattail rider, con man, and P.T. Barnum showman blurs – in the business. In 2020, when the world was being ravaged by an unprecedented pandemic, he threw together two actresses in front of a green screen and lots of repurposed footage to cash-in on the widespread disaster. At this point, it's hard to imagine that questions of taste crossed his mind on the way to making a quick buck. Band has always been like this. In the old days, he'd mock-up a poster, an image he knew was marketable, and build a movie around it only afterwards. This is undoubtedly how “Zone Troopers” came to be. And what a poster it is! Slotting a snarling alien in place of Uncle Sam in the classic pose, beckoning personally to the person looking at it, made “Zone Troopers'” one-sheet an object of frightful fascination for some young people. The movie itself – a few years early to be a “Predator” rip-off, instead drawing obvious inspiration from “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and “Star Wars” – is more of a question mark though. I already own the poster, and love it, so it's past time for me to see if I feel similarly about the actual motion picture. 

World War II rages in the Italian countryside. A small troop of American soldiers see their inexperienced leader killed by the Germans. This forces roughneck Sgt. Stone to take charge, leading the group further into enemy territory. They come across an unexpected Gestapo stronghold, in the same area where their compasses give odd readings. The team soon discovers that the Nazis have captured a downed alien vessel and the strange lifeform inside. The Americans take it upon themselves to rescue the extraterrestrial. The outsider seeks to be reunited with his kind but will the visitors be sympathetic to the U.S. war effort? What of the Germans, hot on their trail?  

"Zone Troopers" was the directorial debut for Danny Bilson, who previously wrote "Trancers" for Band. The two films share a lot in common, with much of the same cast and a premise that introduces a sci-fi element into a classic pulp story. While "Trancers" mashed-up a film noir set-up with time travel and monsters, "Zone Troopers" literally drops an alien into the middle of WWII. While the film obviously seeks to emulate comics like "Weird War Tales," it can never quite capture that anything-can-happen thrill. In fact, "Zone Troopers" feel weirdly low stakes. The platoon has no goal other than to make it out from behind enemy lines. While the Nazis hope to reverse engineer weapons from the alien tech, this is only mentioned in passing. The script mostly feels like a series of encounters, strung together with little sense of direction. This is most evident in farcical scenes where a captured soldier punches out Hitler or a childish private conjured a brunette in a slinky gown with some alien gizmo. These scenes don't add to the story, instead functioning as amusing incidents included to pad out the runtime. 

This lack of direction is also apparent in the indecisive treatment of the alien. Despite its threatening visage on the poster, the hairy, mandibled critter is only played as a figure of fear in one brief scene. Later, it's seen emerging from an egg, giving you the impression that this monster is a baby. That's quickly changed, the alien instead being a female science officer of some kind. When other extraterrestrials appear, they look like blue-skinned Nordics with tubas on their heads. This constantly changing approach to the aliens is also present in how they act. The dramatic crux of the script has the infintry men asking the visitors to assist in the fight against the Nazis. They initially resist before changing their minds entirely off-screen. It would have been nice to have a scene of the aliens realizing what the soldiers did for them or seeing that the Nazis were a monstrous threat that demanded their attention. Of course, this wouldn't blend well with the lackadaisical, made-up-as-it-goes-along nature of the story. You can also see that in the alien tech, which can do anything the scene demands. 

If there's not much tension in the wartime setting and little focus about the sci-fi elements, what does "Zone Troopers" have going for it? Well, the creature effects are good. That's to be expected, as Empire Pictures regular monster man John Carl Buechler did the make-up. I like how the central alien invokes both an insect and a monkey, with its bug eyes, segmented mouth, and hairy skin. Mostly, it's the cast that carries this one. Tim Thomerson's Sgt. Stone is clearly inspired by D.C. Comics' Sgt. Rock, what with the name and his inexplicable tendency to survive any injury. Thomerson proves that he would've been an inspired choice to play that character, showing a good mixture of hard-boiled toughness, concern for his men, and bad-ass gusto. The other soldiers are never developed much beyond general archetypes. However, Timothy Van Patton, as the youthful Verona, and Art LaFleur, as the comical "Mittens," get a few good moments together. The action direction isn't inspired at all, largely belonging to the stale tradition of "guns go off, people fall down" style. This is most disappointing at the finale, where the deployment of the alien tech proves deeply underwhelming. It's a shame there's no exciting pyrotechnics to accompany the colorful cast. 

Bilson would only direct one more theatrically released film, forgotten ensemble comedy "The Wrong Guys." This is not to say he hasn't had a long fruitful career. He co-wrote  "The Rocketeer," created three successful TV shows, and later pivoted successfully into video games. Most recently, he provided the blueprint for Spike Lee's "Da 5 Bloods." Which probably makes up for him fumbling this men-on-a-mission war flick. Like a lot of Band's Empire Pictures, "Zone Troopers" was MIA on disc for many years. During that time, it cultivated a bit of a cult following. I can't help but wonder how much VHS rental nostalgia and the bitchin' poster art influenced that. "Zone Troopers" sadly does not live up to its potential. A Charles Band production being outshined by its box art is certainly not unprecedented. That's the way it goes sometimes. [5/10]

Alfred Hitchcock Presents (1985): Night Fever

"Alfred Hitchcock Presents" didn't make quite the impact on pop culture that "The Twilight Zone" did. This might explain why it got the slightly more successful revival in 1985. Though the new "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" mostly featured direct remakes of the classic episodes. Such as "Night Fever," which follows a charming young psychopath named Jerry. After failing to pick up a girl at a grocery store, he robs it instead. When the cops arrive, Jerry starts shooting. He fatally wounds an officer and receives a bullet into his own arm. He arrives at a hospital, knowing the police will book him the minute he heals up. That's when his nurse, a sweet and naïve woman named Ellen, catches his eye. He attempts to woo her into helping him escape. 

The 1985 version of "Night Fever" casts Robert Carradine as its Starkweather-esque psycho. The star of "Revenge of the Nerds" – same director, by the way – might seem like an odd choice for a seductive killer. Somehow, the episode makes it work. Jerry is obviously good at spotting vulnerable people. When he sees the dowdy Ellen, he immediately checks her as a lonely young woman ready to be taken advantage of. He immediately compliments her appearance, knowing that'll work, using the exact same line on her that he used on the girl in the first scene. (Whose jaw he broke afterwards.) This is, of course, exactly how sociopaths operate in real life. They only care about themselves and usually aren't very smart – Starkweather was barely literate – but have enough outward charm to win over those most susceptible to their wiles. "Night Fever" reminds me a lot of Jack Ketchum's "The Lost" in the way it clearly depicts this seemingly contradictory dichotomy. Not only because both stories have killers with a rockabilly style about them.

The cops in "Night Fever" are eager to punish the man who has injured one of their own. This stands in contrast to the doctors around Jerry, who treat all patients equally, no matter their crimes. (Coincidentally enough, he doctor is played by Basil Hoffman, just seen in the same year's "Button, Button.") This presents a theme of justice and the fairness of capital punishment... That is tossed out by a twist ending that occurs literally within the final minute. It's a hell of a twist though, one that changes the context of everything we've seen before in the best way and ends things on a surprising, chilling moment. Jeff Kanew's direction is standard enough, though the cramped hospital room does generate some claustrophobic tension. Mostly, it's the performances of Carradine and Lisa Pelikan that makes this one worth seeing. Like many "Alfred Hitchcock Presents" episodes, this leans more towards noir than horror. Though the protagonist being a remorseless killer pushes it into the marginal side of things. Horror fans should also keep their eyes peeled for a bit part from Ken Foree as an orderly. [7/10]

The Addams Family: Crisis in the Addams Family

We get a rare Fester centric episode in "Crisis in the Addams Family." After some pirate themed roleplay goes awry, Fester blows a hole in the family's plumbing. This leads to Gomez filing another claim with the family's put-upon insurance agency, who decide to cancel the Addams' policy. Distraught over all the drama he's caused, Fester sinks into a depression. Gomez encouraged him to seek out a new job to invigorate himself, which leads to Fester finding employment at the exact same insurance company the represents the family. 

"Crisis in the Addams Family" is quite an unfocused episode. At first, it seems to be about Uncle Fester feeling frustrated with his role in the household, tired of always playing the bad guy in Gomez's games. The scene where he confined himself to his bedroom, in a funk, seems to support that idea. Instead, the script quickly changes gears to be about the always exciting world of insurance policies. The two ideas don't seem to have in common with each other. Fester getting a job with, coincidentally, the same agency about to cancel the family's plan seems like a desperate attempt to mash together two unrelated premises. 

To compensate for a messy structure, "Crisis in the Addams Family" attempts to pack in lots of gags. Gomez is especially wacky in this episode, starting it wearing a feathered pirate hat and ending it in paratrooper gear. Extra attention is giving to the family's ooky cuisine, with gopher loaf apparently being Fester's favorite meal. We also find out that the uncle has magnetic abilities, which seems like a believable extension of his electric properties. What other superpowers does Uncle Fester have? As far as the show's many unsettled straight men go, Parley Baer as the baffled insurance manager is pretty funny. Hus reaction to a climatic phone call is a solid joke. Though it leads to the episode's plot resolving itself in a confusing, rushed manner. "Crisis in the Addams Family" also repeats the joke of Lurch being mistaken for the head of the household, another clue that this isn't the "Addams'" most inspired half-hour. [6/10]

Halloween 2023: October 6th

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962)

In 1922, silent child star turned popular starlet Mary Miles Minter had her career derailed when director William Desmond Taylor – whom she either had an affair or an infatuation with, despite a thirty year age gap – was mysteriously murdered. While Minter was never implemented in the crime, the association more-or-less ended her promising career. Years later, she became a figure of Hollywood gossip, forgotten by the public and growing ever-more eccentric within her Los Angeles home. Rumors persist that this story inspired Henry Farrell to write his novel “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?” Just two years after its publication, the book would adapted into a low-budget film that became a box office smash and critical success. In the process, a new subgenre of horror – focused on elderly woman doing horrible things, often starring over-the-hill stars of Hollywood's golden age – was created. 

In 1917, ten-year-old “Baby Jane” Hudson is a star of the vaudeville stage. She's spoiled and adored by her father, while older sister Blanche is neglected. Years later, Blanche becomes a beloved movie star while Jane's career flounders. Following a mysterious car accident – which Jane is blamed for – Blanche is confined to a wheelchair. Now old women, Jane increasingly brutalizes her invalid sister. While Blanche remains a screen icon, Baby Jane has been forgotten. This pushes Jane to snap, regressing more and more into a child-like persona and taking her years of resentment out on Blanche. 

The real world subtext of “Baby Jane,” and almost all of the classic psycho-biddy films, is impossible to ignore. The only reason a movie like this could get made is because past icons like Bette Davis and Joan Crawford were no longer getting leading lady roles. Hollywood doesn't have much use for actresses once they are past a certain age, even those that were once major stars. This is reflected in Jane Hudson's story. Once she packed theaters and had dolls in her likeness made. Now, nobody has any idea who she is. Much has been made – including an entire TV mini-series – of Joan Crawford and Bette Davis' real-life rivalry. This on-set tension undoubtedly informed their performances. Yet it's unavoidable that these actresses certainly had a personal connection to the material. Who else would know better what it was like to be a washed-up actress, who knew all about the highs and stings of fame achieved and faded, than people who actually lived through it?

Yet I don't think “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?” became a hit in 1962 just because the behind-the-scenes gossip. Even outside the context of Hollywood stardom and the fickleness of fame, this is a story of long-held resentment between siblings. As a child, Jane was an entitled, spoiled little brat, while Blanche lived in her shadow. Once Blanche became a star, she took care of her fading sibling by insisting she get roles in all her movies. Since the accident, the roles have reversed again. All of this has left a lifetime of hang-ups between the sisters. Jane makes no attempt to disguise her contempt for Blanche, while she still plays the nicer older sibling. You see this all the time in families, where one sibling holds lifelong grudges while the other insists on being the peace keeper. It's not a balance that can be maintained forever, inevitably leading to those tensions boiling over.

Considering these operatic themes of sibling rivalry and fading stardom, it's unsurprising that “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?' arches towards camp eventually. Jane's revenge veers towards the grotesque pretty much immediately, feeding her sister a beloved pet canary and a rat. The film's setting, a Beverly Hills mansion full of shadows and obscure corners, emphasizes this feel of oversized Gothic melodrama. Even the premise, of someone imprisoned in their own home by a deranged sister, recalls the tropes of Gothic literature. Director Robert Aldrich and cinematographer Ernest Haller certainly emphasize this, with neigh-comedic shots like Blanche spinning her wheel chair in circles. Joan Crawford plays the role with the stately, slightly exaggerated seriousness that would become her trademark in horror films.

As much as “Baby Jane” is deliberately courting camp and dark comedy, it can't help but strike me as a tragic story. Jane is a total bitch and Bette Davis plays her as such, really digging into her tempestuous dialogue. (Further emphasized by the monstrous pancake make-up she wears throughout.) Yet her fixation on her childhood stardom is understandable. All of us have had dreams deferred by the realities of growing older. In the film industry, where youth is especially favored, that's even more the case. When she begins to sing her trademark song, only to burst into tears at the sight of her own wizened face, shows the sadness of her situation. As Jane slips more and more into her delusions, it's clearly a protection against her pathetic reality. She'd rather be Baby Jane forever, then an old woman that nobody remembers. 

Despite a subplot with Victor Buono that doesn't go much of anywhere, leading to a slightly overlong run time, “What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?” is still a classic for a reason. Much more psychologically dense than many of the hag horror films that would follow in its wake, the inherent tragedy in the performances and the story builds to a distressing and heart-breaking final scene. Of course, considering these kind of movies would largely define the last act of Crawford and Davis' careers, that can't help but add an extra layer of sadness. I doubt either star wanted “Trog” or “Wicked Stepmother” to be their final films. But I guess being Grand Dames of Grand Guignol is better than being forgotten like Baby Jane Hudson was... [9/10]

Intruder (1989)

One of the great indie horror success stories of the eighties is Sam Raimi's “The Evil Dead.” It would lay the foundation for Raimi's extraordinary career and make Bruce Campbell a nerd icon. The story of how a bunch of lunatics from Michigan made one of the most creative, enduring cult classics of the decade would inspire a whole generation of filmmakers. Among those chasing that same dream was Scott Spiegel, part of Raimi's inner circle of collaborators. Spiegel's career never took off to the degree his buddies did. By the end of the decade, you could tell Spiegel was still trying to birth his own “Evil Dead”-style success. That would take the form of “Intruder,” a slasher flick made several years after the subgenre's halcyon days. Spiegel would invite along some of his old friends for the project, insuring “Intruder” a small cult following of its own over the years.

The employees of a grocery store show up for what they assume to be just another night at work. Things get off to a bad start when cashier Jennifer's ex-con ex-boyfriend, Craig, shows up, harassing her and picking fights. Next, managers Bill and Dave informs everyone that they've sold the store and they all soon be unemployed. Plus, everyone has to pull an all-nighter to mark the entire inventory down to half-price. That's when the bodies start to pile up. An unseen killer is picking everyone off, one by one. Soon, Jennifer is the last girl standing. Is the killer Craig or some other intruder? Don't look at half of the posters if you don't want that spoiled.

When you're talking about the slasher movie, a genre defined ninety percent of the time by clichés and formulas, setting goes a long way. Placing the expected slaughter in a novel location can go a long way towards distinguishing a film. A grocery store is a strong choice, because it's a setting familiar to anyone, which also allows for many people to be isolated at the same time... And lots of interesting ways to off people. That last factor is what energizes “Intruder” more than anything else. Spiegel and his co-writer Lawrence Bender certainly had fun thinking up ways to kill folks with objects found in a supermarket. A receipt spike, a cardboard baler, meat slicer and hooks are all used to execute unlucky victims. KNB Effects make sure each murder scene provides lots of spurting fake blood and ripped-up latex flesh. 

There are other signs that Scott Spiegel was eager to recreate the success his buddy Sam reaped. While Raimi's films are well known for their creative camerawork, Spiegel tries to apply his own visual tricks here. “Intruder” is fond of point-of-view shots. The camera is positioned from inside a shopping cart, behind cereal boxes, looking down at a shelf of Oreos, and from the perspective of a flung box cutter. At one point, the camera even peers out from inside a rotary phone dial. While not quite as inventive as Raimi's “Evil Dead” visuals, it is memorable. In general, the darkened aisles of a grocery store, the butcher locker, and the storage room add a nice ambiance to the film. 

You can also tell that Spiegel shares a similar approach to horror that his pal Sam does. Namely, that gory set pieces are best contrasted with some dark comedy. A butcher knife shoved into the back of the head is followed by a shot of a sign, imploring workers to be safe around sharp edges. In the middle of the climatic chase scene, the slasher stops to stand a package of paper towels back on the shelf. A lot of the humor comes from the quirky cast. “Evil Dead 2's” Dan Hicks goes nicely over-the-top as the Southern-fried co-manager of the store. Sam and Ted Raimi similarly give quasi-comedic performances as underlings at the store. Clearly a little more thought than necessary for a body count film was put into the characters and dialogue here. The movie probably would've been improved by slotting the charming Renee Estevez into the final girl role, as Elizabeth Cox is a bit flat in the role. 

By the way, “Intruder” would be one of the last movies distributed by Empire Pictures... Meaning I have another excuse to bring up Charles Band. Befitting the exploitation cinema hucksterism we associate with Band, every home video release of “Intruder” touts Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell's involvement on the boxes. Despite the former only having a supporting role and the latter not appearing until a cameo literally seconds before the credits roll. The DVD even sticks an unrelated picture of Campbell on the back! I'll admit, that's the reason I first watched the movie too. You can't call “Intruder” high art but, within the realm of eighties slashers, it has enough novelty, personality, and grue to keep me entertained during its brief 88 minute run time. Sometimes, an interesting location, one or two recognizable faces, and a shit ton of fake blood is all I really need. [7/10]

The Evil Touch: Scared to Death 

In my continued effort to expose myself to as many obscure horror anthology shows as possible, I have traveled to the distant land of Australia. “The Evil Touch” aired for one 26 episode season on Australia's Nine Network in 1973. Each episode was hosted by Anthony Quayle from inside a swirling green vortex. Despite its down under origins, it was produced by an American and frequently featured well-known actors. The presence of familiar faces like Leslie Nielson or Darren McGavin led the program to popping up a few times on international networks, including brief runs on TV Land and Bravo in the nineties. For the most part though, “The Evil Touch” has been largely forgotten. 22 of the 26 episodes are circulating around the internet

Among these surviving episodes is “Scared to Death.” It follows Evan, a man cheating on Constance, his much older and rich wife, with her comely nurse, Jeanette. After a make-out session is interrupted, Evan quickly tells Jeanette to hide in a closest. Expecting the infidelity, Constance instructs her husband to build a brick wall over the closest door. Afterwards, Evan refuses to acknowledge that he committed a murder. Meanwhile, Constance starts to see Jeanette around the home. Did the old woman go insane from guilt or is she being haunted? 

Yes, this is the fourth variation on “A Cask of Amontillado” I've ended up watching this season. I swear, I'm not doing this on purpose. Anyway, “Scared to Death” is quite lame. The idea that Evan, played blandly by character actor Jack Thomson, just willingly goes along with building a wall over a closest door is a flimsy set-up. “The Evil Touch” must've had an extremely low budget, as the entire episode is set inside as average looking a suburban home as possible. Mildred Natwick is bitchy but never betrayed or unhinged as Constance. The twist concerning the nurse's actual fate is extremely easy to predict, though the exact details suggest some bizarre things about this home's construction. About the only element that rises above forgettable seventies TV standards is a slightly mean twist ending. Quayle is an amusingly hammy host but otherwise this one did not impress me much, making me unlikely to try “The Evil Touch” again. [4/10]

The Munsters: Just Another Pretty Face / Big Heap Herman

“Just Another Pretty Face” has an admittedly great premise for an episode of “The Munsters.” After Grandpa forbids Herman from snooping around in his laboratory, his son-in-law does exactly that. While down there, Herman gets zap by a machine that has the unforeseen side effect of turning him into a regular human. The rest of the family struggles to deal with this big change. In “Big Heap Herman,” the family votes to go to the beach for a yearly vacation. Herman overrules everyone and insists they go to western resort Buffalo Valley instead. Herman unwittingly gets off the train in the middle of nowhere and wanders into a Native American village, who mistake him for a mythological god. Hijinks ensues. 

Obviously, my brain is aware of the fact that Fred Gwynne doesn't actually look like Herman Munster. Yet the character is such a live action cartoon character, that seeing his voice come out of a normal human is such a surreal sight. This disconnect only increases once Gwynne adopts Herman's typical exaggerated body language to his unmasked face. Seeing the family respond to this change is worth some especially amusing laughs though. Eddie's lack of respect for his no longer deformed father and Lily's reaction to an attempted kiss are high-lighted moments. The solution to the problem involves a callback to 1931's “Frankenstein” that I appreciated. The last third features a series of gags that are pretty low-brow, though Gwynee attacks them with aplomb like always. Also, a baby-faced Dom Deluise shows up as the family doctor for an amusing sequence. 

If the little bit of cross-dressing at the end of “Just Another Pretty Face' made you cringe, brace yourself for “Big Heap Herman.” The show at least goes with the idea that the Native American village Herman stumbles into intentionally play up the stereotypes in order to appeal to tourists. The two most prominent members of the village are still played by white actors, Ned Romero and Len Lesser, while the cliches are otherwise played up. Tipis, totem poles, big feathered headdresses, and lots of unfortunate broken English appear. It's all definitely unfortunate. Even more-so because the earlier scenes, of the family scaring people on the train or Herman boring everyone by reading from a travel brochure, are decently funny. I guess accidental racism comes with the territory when watching old TV shows sometimes. [Just Another Pretty Face: 7/10 / Big Heap Herman: 5/10]

Halloween 2023: October 1st

Subspecies V: Bloodrise (2023)

When Radu was decapitated and burned to ash in “Subspecies 4,” that seemed as concrete a conclusion as the franchise could have. Yet Ted Nicolaou never seemed prepared to let his vampiric offspring stay dead forever. A handful of times over the years, rumors of a fifth “Subspecies” – a prequel, detailing Radu's origins – would surface. Yet the Full Moon of the 21st century is not the same company it was in the early nineties. These days, Charles Band occupies himself with endless “Evil Bong” sequels, clip shows, and quickies shot on green-screen and designed to capitalize on whatever's in the news that week. When he does produce a new entry in his classic franchises, the results are usually discouraging. Nevertheless, “Subspecies V: Bloodrise” was formally announced in 2019 as part of Full Moon's Deadly Ten initiative. In-between “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama 2” and “The Grim Rapper,” Nicolaou and Band would film the prequel this year, with the series established stars returning. 

During the twelfth century, vampire king Vladislav and undying sorceress Circe beget Radu. The half-vampire infant is immediately abducted by the Knights Templar, who raise him as one of their own. After a lifetime spent eliminating vampires for the church, Radu returns to Vladislav's castle. He learns of his true origins, discovers the Bloodstone, and meets Helena – Vladislav's concubine – and Stefan, her half-vampire offspring. Radu becomes enamored of Helena, quickly getting bitten by her and becoming a full vampire. Reuniting with his mother and learning the dark arts, the now ageless vampire searches the ancient world for companionship and a love he can never have. 

I often joke with my buddy that modern Full Moon features are made for ten bucks each. This is an exaggeration, of course, but the movies often carry that air of utter cheapness. “Subspecies V” is still, obviously, a very low budget motion picture. The digital effects, such as whenever the vampires turn into shadows, look directly out of After Effects. The practical make-up effects are not quite up to the standards of the older films. The movie also, repeatedly, does this extremely annoying thing where it uses Zack Snyder-style ramping to illustrate the vampires' speed. Despite all these issues, you can tell Nicolaou and cinematographer Vladimir Ilic did their best to replicate the look and feel of the original “Subspecies.” This one was shot in Serbia, not Romania, but it still captures that old world sense of age and isolation. There's some cool old castle and some shots of Radu sneaking through the fog. It's appreciated. 

Though some of Nicolaou's vampire movies overdid the lore and backstory, you can tell he's really been thinking about Radu's origins over the last twenty-five years. “Bloodrise” covers a period of about 566 years. It shows how Radu went from being a weathered human – Anders Hove looking very much like he's 66 – to being the gnarly vampire we know and love. His first meeting with “Vampire Journals'” Ash is shown, as are his introduction with the Bloodstone and the magic dagger. There are rivalries and love interests introduced along the way, some more fleshed out than others. This is a lot to squeeze into an eighty minute movie. “Bloodrise” frequently feels like a highly condensed adaptation of a sprawling novel. Yet it's surprising how well the film captures the ennui and loneliness that comes with living an endless, bloodsucking life. 

As dangerously close as “Bloodrise” comes to being bogged down by ridiculous vampire melodrama, something remains compelling about its central conflict. Radu is immortal and immensely powerful but also incredibly lonely. He turns Ash and his companion Ariel into vampires because their music brings him comfort. Yet, after they become undead, they loose the ability to play music. Even more pressing is the character of Helena, who is played by Denice Duff. Hove and Duff continue to share the embittered chemistry they once had, with Helena being even more conflicted and combative than Michelle was. Anytime Radu finds someone he cares about, they abandon him, betray him, or he destroys them through his own hubris. The idea that Radu has been chasing Helena's ghost for something like 700 years re-contextualize his pursuit of Michelle in the first four movies. It confirms that the raspy vampire is as tragic a figure as I've always felt he was.

For long-time fans of the franchise, “Bloodrise” is mostly as satisfying an origin story as I think we could get. It introduces Radu's rivalry with Stefan while also, finally, giving us a good idea of why the Bloodstone is so damn special. (Apparently it produces a drug-like high in vampires, which one assumes is addictive.) I'm not sure what happens with Radu's dad here squares with the events of the first film but.. Oh well. Maybe Ted forgot some things since 1991. I am admittedly grading it on the incredibly steep curve of “modern day Full Moon movies,” which no doubt had me going in with extremely low expectations. Yet “Subspecies V” proves to be a surprisingly well done and effective capstone on a series that I assumed was long since dead. [7/10]

Tarantulas; The Deadly Cargo (1977)

It's well known that the seventies was awash with killer animal movies. Most attribute this fad to the mega-success of “Jaws,” which isn't wrong. Many of these beastly flicks were directly inspired by Spielberg's shark thriller. Yet “Willard” becoming a surprise blockbuster earlier in the decade also led to a wave of movies about smaller critters attacking people amass. Snakes, frogs, bees, and ants would swarm all over folks throughout the disco decade. The same decade is also considered a golden age for made-for-TV horror movies but don't think for a minute that television producers weren't interested in cashing in on fads. In 1977, all these factors would combine to bring us a small-screen creepy crawler creature feature called “Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo.”  

A pair of unscrupulous fellows plan to make a mint by flying coffee beans in from South America. Unbeknownst to them, a whole horde of venomous tarantulas have stowed away inside the bags. When the spiders attack, the plane crash-lands in the California town of Finleyville. Soon, the spiders begin to creep out and cause chaos, being responsible for several mysterious deaths. The mayor of the town is unwilling to declare an emergency, in fear of disrupting the town's lucrative orchards. That means it's up to everyday folks with names like Bert, Joe, and Doc Hodgins to stop the wave of arachnid terror and save the town before it's too late.

Many seventies Movies of the Week are well-remembered for putting clever spins on otherwise familiar genre troupes. Yet there's a reason “Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo” isn't spoken of in the same breathes as “The Night Stalker” or “Don't Be Afraid of the Dark.” The movie faithfully follows the cliches you'd expect from a “Jaws” rip-off and a low-budget disaster flick. As in “Jaws,” the mayor downplays the animalistic threat in hopes of protecting the town's profitable businesses. (Though an orange distribution plant is not as flashy as a beach.) Both movies even feature a young boy being claimed by the threat. As in the decade's various disaster flicks, it's up to a ragtag team of common men to contain the beasties. An estranged couple even patch up their romantic problems by the end. It's clear director Stuart Hagmann – making his final film after an undistinguished career of episodic television and weepy social dramas – was not interested in reinventing the wheel here. 

In fact, Hagmann doesn't show much aptitude for the horror genre in general. “Tarantulas” is, as far as killer spider movies go, extremely sleepily paced. Mundell Lowe's weirdly funky but also largely mellow theme song sets the mood here. “The Deadly Cargo” languidly moves from scene to scene without much tension ever being raised. Even the death of a child is treated matter-of-factly. A sense of suspense is never created, not even during the finale where an amusingly implausible trap is set for the tarantulas. Perhaps this is because the movie seems hesitant to show off the ick factor of its star arachnids. Compared to the same year's “Kingdom of the Spiders,” which absolutely covered Captain Kirk in spiders, there's very little interaction between humans and tarantulas here. We only ever see the eight-legged fuzz-butts crawling towards people, never on them. We only see the aftermath of their bites, never the action itself. This is some low-wattage horror here.

I first became aware of “Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo” many years ago after discovering a DVD copy in, of all places, a Dollar General. The reason the case caught my eye is because Tom Atkins and Howard Hesseman were top-billed. Sadly, the movie does not fulfill that promise of Dr. Johnny Fever and Detective Cameron blasting spiders. Atkins and Hesseman play the pilots who are responsible for unwittingly smuggling the tarantulas into Finleyville. The two ham it up nicely in their scenes but exit the film early. Instead, the stars are veteran character actor Claude Akins, future Commissioner Gordon Pat Hingle, and forgettable working actor Charles Frank. Akins and Hingle furrow their brows in consternation throughout the film but the script gives them almost nothing to work with. Charles Frank gets the juiciest character arc, as the guy trying to work out with his old girlfriend, but Frank is an especially uninvolving performer. 

Of course, anyone who knows anything about spiders is aware of the fact that tarantulas pose no threat to humans. They may look hairy and fearsome, and their bites can sting, but their venom is never deadly. Even the movie seems vaguely cognizant of this. Though the spiders are played by (the very pretty) Mexican red-knee tarantulas, they are referred to in the film as Brazilian wandering spiders. That species does have potent venom that has led to several deaths but they also are not tarantulas. “Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo” received two Emmy nominations for its sound work but, otherwise, fell into obscurity quickly. Proving no creature feature is altogether forgotten these days, the film recently got a decent Blu-Ray release for those Atkins devotees really desperate to complete their collection. [4/10]

The Twilight Zone: The Obsolete Man

So many episodes of “The Twilight Zone” have become pop culture staples, their twist endings and ironic messages ingrained within the brains of sci-fi and horror nerds even if they haven't actually seen them. This is why, this year, I decided to seek out one of the less widely discussed episodes of Rod Serling's classic series. “The Obsolete Man” takes place in a dystopian future where the state deems what people are and aren't useful to society. One such man on trial is Mr. Wordsworth, a librarian. In a state where books are often banned and certain ideas are prosecuted, such a job is deemed obsolete. Wordsworth is allowed to choose his own form of execution, which is televised, and he uses this as a chance to confront the man who has condemned him. 

“The Obsolete Man” is one of the “Twilight Zone” episodes that leaves no ambiguity about its meaning. This is a half-hour about fascism, about the state declaring itself all-powerful, oppressing and destroying ideas it deems inappropriate, and killing men for any reason they see necessary. Hitler and Stalin are name-dropped. A society where everyone is recorded and broadcast, while conformity is enforced through uniforms and lifeless rooms, recalls “1984.” (While the focus on books being banned points towards “Fahrenheit 451.”) Inevitably, the councilor discovers that his status does not protect him from this prosecution either. What makes Serling's thesis a little muddled here is that this state openly represses religion. Wordsworth is a Christian. He reads from the banned Bible. We know all too well that American Fascism will be happy to use religion as a cudgel. I guess, during the Cold War era, this was a little harder to acknowledge. 

Aside from this slightly confusing tangent, “The Obsolete Man” remains an captivating and intense presentation. It's largely a two-man show between Burgess Meredith as the punningly named Wordsworth and Fritz Weaver as the unnamed chancellor. Watching two compelling actors trade theatrical dialogue, in such a confined set, is worthwhile in of itself. Director Elliot Silverstein overlays a ticking clock – alongside other optical tricks – over much of the second half, helping raise the tension. The downbeat ending is similarly effective, as the viewer feels the hopelessness close in on them too. 

Also noteworthy is the expressive set design of the court room, which features an elongated judge's pulpit and table. That gives the proceedings even more of a dream-like, nightmarish feel. You could never call “The Obsolete Man” subtle, especially since Rod Serling's opening and closing narrations lay out the themes explicitly. By the way, his epilogue, as written, downplayed the religious element of the story too. That makes me wonder if some network pressure wasn't a factor in that. Either way, “The Obsolete Man” is a compelling and distressing half-hour of television. [7/10]

The Munsters: Operation Herman / Lily's Star Boarder

“Operation Herman” begins with Eddie coming home from school upset. His dad soon uncovers this is because the boy has to have his tonsils out. Though the operation goes off without a hitch – despite the doctor being near-sighted – Herman discovers he has a fear of the doctor's office. Grandpa talks his son-in-law into sneaking out of the house to visit the boy in the hospital. “Lily's Star Boarder” sees Mrs. Munster renting their guest room out to a mysterious fellow. Herman is immediately jealous of the attention the guy is getting, suspecting he's up to something... Which he is, as the guy is an undercover cop spying on the criminal operation next door.

“Operation Herman” is one of those episodes based on wacky misunderstandings, of the Munsters wandering into a traditional setting and fouling it up while normies react to the Munsters with shock and confusion. Lots of silliness ensues and some gags are more amusing than others. A surgeon mistaking Herman for an accident victim made me chuckle. Grandpa gets a few good lines, about necks. The running gag of Herman passing out at the sight of Eddie's tonsils and the buffoonish doctor looking down Eddie's throat are less inspired. Truthfully, this episode feels kind of directionless, sleepily progressing from one bit to another without much of an overarching theme. 

The second episode of this batch takes similar set-up – the Munsters reacting to mundane humans – to far funnier places. Basing the comedic premise around Herman making a fool of himself, set in his own childish tendencies, makes for a much richer set-up. Watching the misunderstanding play out is much more satisfying, when it's based in the established character's personalities. There's some broad physical comedy too, though even that made me chuckle thanks to the ridiculous lengths the episode takes it. And it all works out okay in the end, the way we expect from these old sitcoms. Satisfying, ya know? [Operation Herman: 6/10 / Lily's Star Boarder: 7/10]