Christmas 2019: December 4th

The Nutcracker in 3D (2009)

My quest to watch the worst Christmas movie of all time continues. I've already scrutinize previous candidates for that title such as “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” – charming in its lo-fi dumbness – and “Santa Claus Meets the Ice Cream Bunny” – almost unbearable but, admittedly, an experience. Another candidate for this title emerged as recently as ten years ago. I remember reading about “The Nutcracker in 3D” when it hit theaters. The film was a passion project for director Andrei Konchalovsky, previously of “Runaway Train” and “Tango & Cash.” It received acerbic, baffled reviews and bombed hard at the box office. This reception has afforded the (otherwise totally forgotten) film a certain degree of infamy. Now I see if it's truly as bad as that reputation implies.

The film rather loosely follows the plot of E.T.A. Hoffman's “Nutcracker” fairy tale, with a number of bizarre divergences. At a family Christmas party, Mary and her little brother Max eagerly await the arrival of their beloved Uncle Albert. (Who is, in the first of the film's odd historical references, blatantly Albert Einstein.) He presents with them with an elaborate doll house full of wind-up automatons and a humble nutcracker. That night, the Nutcracker springs to life. He reveals to Mary that he's actually a prince from a magical land populated by fairies and toys. The fascist Rat King has taken over the kingdom and transformed the prince into a nutcracker. Soon, both siblings as well as their uncle are pulled along into a wild adventure to stop the Rat King.

The first half-hour or so of “The Nutcracker” plays out like a relatively normal holiday fantasy flick. Do not be deceived. With the introduction of the Rat King, the film takes a hard turn into weirdness. Konchalovsky visually patterns the Rats – humanoid save for their noses – after Nazis. They firebomb the Toy Kingdom from steam-punk jet packs, ride on motorcycles with mounted machine guns, and hunt people with robot rats the size of dobermans. The Rat King electrocutes a shark to death, which leads to a most unexpected homage to Damian Hirst. At another point, he casually tears a character's head off. His mom, the Rat Queen, is introduced wearing frilly underwear. A truly horrifying touch has the rat people's faces expanding into a more accurate rodent-like maws. The plot eventually stretches to involve a magic mirror that can transverse dimensions, a humanoid chimpanzee, a break dancing drummer, and a giant toy-incinerating factory.

Yet for all the inappropriate historical references, horrifying visuals, and weird bullshit Konchalovsky adds to this story, his “Nutcracker” is still a cheesy family movie. In addition to everything else that happens, the film also includes a trite moral about Mary's father learning to appreciate the magic of childhood again. The Nutcracker provides a lot of wacky slapstick. After Max accidentally breaks the doll, the Rat King tries to recruit him, dragging him to a massive toy-burning bonfire. (Yes, really.) Max and Mary eventually learn a lesson about forgiveness. Even later, the seemingly dead Nutcracker is wished back to life via the power of belief. Tim Rice was also somehow roped into providing a few songs, all of which are totally forgettable and rather poorly inserted into the film.

Obviously, “The Nutcracker” wanted to be a star-studded event. Yet, probably owing to it being totally psychotic, the script didn't attract many high-profile actors. Thus, the producers were left with some unexpected stunt casting. Nathan Lane plays Albert Einstein. The comedian's schtick is a rough fit for the famous historical figure and he quite literally winks at the camera several times. John Turturro, wearing a Nehru jacket and a fright wing, plays the Rat King. Turturro goes wildly over-the-top, shrieking and gesticulating throughout. Squeaky Shirley Henderson shrieks her way through the movie as the Nutcracker's voice. On the more muted end is Richard E. Grant as Mary's dad, his first of two appearances in hugely misguided “Nutcracker” adaptations. Elle Fanning is as studious and serious as ever as Mary, giving a genuinely good performance in a film that in no way calls for it.

Konchalovsky is obviously enamored of the movie's special effects and 3D photography. The movie is loaded with elaborate costumes, expansive sets, and mediocre CGI. During the various chase scenes, flying sequences, or moments of combat, stuff is thrust directly into the viewer's eye. I watched the movie flat, so I didn't really get the full effect here. Though it has its long tedious stretches, I'm still surprised more people don't talk about “The Nutcracker in 3D.” Likely to frighten children with its bizarre plot, grim imagery, and freaky visuals, the film is too utterly demented not to be embraced by cult movie fans. Trash cinema devotees will probably do right by adding this bit of kiddie movie weirdness to their holiday marathons. [6/10]

The Angry Video Game Nerd: Winter Games

James Rolfe's fowl-mouthed video game review series has been going for so long that his third Christmas special, covering the NES port of Olympic sporting game “Winter Games,” was released nearly ten whole years ago. While wearing a spiffy looking Atari jacket, the Nerd delivers his grievances about this particular video game. He largely focuses on the bizarre controls, which come across as needlessly cryptic and ineffective. His increasingly enraged and baffled reaction leads to some amusing lines of dialogue: “Was this game designed for monkeys?” and a rambling monologue that concludes with “You push buttons” being two examples.

And, yes, watching the Nerd looses his shit at a shitty video game is fun. His breakdown of the character name screen leads to a decent pay-off. His reaction to the “Winter Games'” screeching musical score or the bizarrely constructed bobsled game, which from vulgar bafflement to dry sarcasm, both made me laugh. The episode concludes with a wonderfully edited sequence, matter-of-factly depicting the Nerd repeatedly destroying the game cartage in a number of low-fi ways. The final image here – “Burn, motherfucker, burn!” – is one I think about and quote quite frequently.

However, the secret strength of Rolfe's creation has always been its potential for absurd digression. We see this in his highly imaginative use of profanity and the occasional oddball reaction to the game's weird design choice. The “Winter Games” designers decided to name the ski jump portion of the game “Hot Dog Aerials,” leading the Nerd to imagine more literal depictions of this event. This is also unquestionably a Christmas episode, as it begins with the Angry Nerd delivering a short rant to the people who always bitch about “Happy Holidays” every December. Truly, episodes like this ensure we can all have a Happy Shut-the-Fuck-Up. [7/10]