RECENT WATCHES: Morbius (2022)

The Marvel Cinematic Universe has doubtlessly changed the film world, for good and bad. Its success has caused every major studio in Hollywood to try cinematic universes of their own, most of which have been abject failures. Among the strangest attempts has been Sony desperately trying to build a franchise out of their half of the "Spider-Man" film rights. After many years in Development Hell, "Venom" finally emerged and became a surprise hit. Now the studio is trying the same thing with "Morbius," the "living vampire" that has pestered Spider-Man on-and-off over the decades. While Morbius has occasionally held down his own title, and has nearly appeared in movies before, he's never been anywhere near as popular as Venom. That made the proposition of the character getting his own movie dicey to begin with. That sweatiness only increased when the film was repeatedly delayed by the pandemic. Two years after it was filmed, and after six months of seeing the trailer every time I've gone to the theater, "Morbius" has finally been unleashed on the public. 

Michael Morbius has been afflicted his entire life with a debilitating blood disease, that has left him physically frail and requiring daily transfusions. He has worked to find a cure, becoming a brilliant scientist and inventing synthetic blood in the process. His research is funded by his rich adopted brother Milo, who suffers from the same disease. Yet Michael knows his time is running out. He works on splicing human and vampire bat DNA, making himself the first test subject. The serum reverses his condition... By making him a vampire-like creature with superhuman powers but a horrifying hunger for human blood. He sates himself on synthetic blood, which is quickly loosing its effectiveness, while working on a cure. This is complicated when Milo steals the serum and becomes a living vampire too, embracing his bloodlust and framing Morbius for murder. 

Much like Venom, Morbius started out in the comics antagonizing Spider-Man before his sympathetic backstory turned him into an antihero. (Unlike Venom, it was at least easy to disconnect Morbius' origins from the web slinger.) Nevertheless, Morbius does drink blood — or "plasma," if you're watching the 90s "Spider-Man" cartoon — and kill people. A bloodsucker torn between his unearthly hunger and his lingering humanity has been the foundation for countless vampire stories. "Morbius," disappointingly, half-asses this idea as much as possible. Upon becoming a living vampire, Morbius tears up some mercenaries on a boat. The film makes sure to establish these guys are immoral scumbags before they get munched, with even the cops clarifying their deaths aren't a big deal. While the movie briefly flirts with the idea that Morbius is killing innocents, it quickly establishes that Milo is responsible. The script repeatedly emphasizes the synthetic blood and Morbius' desperation not to take anymore lives. "Morbius" goes out of its way to remind the audience that its title character isn't a bad guy, that he's not a deadly bloodsucker. Such as when he stops a pair of counterfeiters, one of the film's more random digressions. This tendency drains the vampire premise of much of its tension, leaving "Morbius" ironically fangless in the process. 

This is not the film's only mistake. Its CGI special effects leave a lot to be desired. Morbius has vampire spasms, that cause his face to stretch and distort via CGI. By the end, he's developed cartoonishly pointy cheek bones. Milo gets it the worst, his CGI stretchy faces looking even goofier. The film is unusually enamored with Morbius' bat sonar powers, leading to multiple scenes of his ears twitching, his pupils getting weird, and sound waves vibrating around him. The film doesn't do a good job of clarifying Morbius' superpowers in general. He leaps through the air via blurry, misty effects that are never totally explained. His super senses manifest in scenes of goofy slow-motion. A scene where he's swept up on wind currents, before later using them to glide, is given a comical amount of attention. All of this is paired with some questionable visual choices from director Daniel Espinosa. He abuses Zack Snyder style ramping multiple times. The fight scenes eventually degrade into incoherent shaky-cam blurs of CGI mayhem. 

"Venom" had a lot of these same problems too. It managed to overcome those flaws because of an endearingly unhinged performance from its leading man and a wacky sense of humor. But "Morbius" doesn't have Tom Hardy in its corner. Instead, it has insufferable method actor/rock star/would-be cult leader/noted teen girl enthusiast Jared Leto. Leto's self-conscious intensity can occasionally work for films but, in the role of a humanist doctor forced to grapple with animalistic urges, he's hopelessly miscast. The long hair and multiple Jesus poses Leto strikes, when combined with his self-sacrificing personality, only makes Morbius seem like an extension of Leto's self-aggrandizing wannabe messiah act. All the attempts to add humor or humility to Leto's performance are hopelessly awkward. This is especially true when it comes to his relationship with Martine, the love interest played by Adria Arjona. She seems drawn to him for no reason, Leto and Arjona having zero chemistry. Maybe the movie should've cast Matt Smith, who plays Milo, as the hero instead. Smith's performance is campy and over-the-top, even more so when aided by the stretchy CGI effects. But at least he's having fun and showing actual human emotions.

In fact, Smith is probably the highlight of the film. The film tries to play Morbius and Milo's relationship as one of brothers turned against each other. But another angle quickly emerges. The two share intense eye contact in several scenes, their faces uncomfortably close. After both become living vampires, Milo taunts Morbius by begging him to "join him" and "give into his hunger." The villain becomes especially pissed off when he sees the hero kissing a woman. The only women he bites are those that are close to Michael, a form of revenge, as he otherwise preys on men. There's also an emotional "coming out" scene to a father figure. I don't know if this was a deliberate attempt to emulate "Venom's" queer undertones but it definitely doesn't seem like a mistake. This homoerotic subtext, when placed alongside the superhero melodrama, can't help but translate to campy laughs. It's not the only example of the movie being most humorous when it's trying to be serious. Look at the bat assisted special move that concludes the final fight, a scene so ridiculous it almost justifies "Morbius'" entire existence. 

If the film full-throatedly embraced this goofy streak, it probably would've been a decent time killer. Instead, "Morbius" approaches itself with all the grandness of the most portentous Marvel films. When paired with the questionable action scenes, weak effects, and a D.O.A. leading man, you get a superhero flick reeking with desperation. See also: The post-credit scenes that sweatily attempts to link "Morbius" with the MCU, in a manner that audibly confused at least one person in the theater with me last night. I don't even know if I can blame director Espinosa, as the film was obviously subjected to reshoots and studio tinkering. But I'm totally fine with blaming Leto's ego... Ultimately, "Morbius" isn't a fiasco. It's mostly just bland and boring, with only the occasional moment of funny bone-tinkling dumbness to enliven things. In other words: it's exactly what I expected from Sony's hasty attempt to exploit the "Spider-Man" assets they have access to. Better luck on those "Kraven the Hunter" and "Madame Web" movies, guys. [5/10]