Last of the Monster Kids

Last of the Monster Kids
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Sunday, February 24, 2013


8:18 - Tonight's the night. After a month and a half of anticipation, Oscar Sunday has arrived. (Oscar Sunday is like Superbowl Sunday for movie nerds.) In the time between, I managed to watch the majority of nominations in the major categories. I didn't make it to "Flight" or "The Impossible," due to a combination of lack of time and (mostly) lack of interest. I did see "The Sessions," which I liked. John Hawkes probably deserved an nomination and, in a year with less competition, he probably would have. I liked Helen Hunt, by the way. She won't win.

Also in the time between, the tides has turned in terms of predictions. When I did my write-up, "Lincoln" was the clear lock for Best Picture and Jessica Chastain was the favorite to win Best Actress. Now, the tides have turned in favor of Jennifer Lawrence for "Silver Linings Playbook" and "Argo" for Best Picture. Lawrence will probably win, it's looking, but I'm sticking with "Lincoln" for the top prize. If the Academy liked "Argo" as much as everyone thinks they did, it would have gotten more nominations.

8:20 - "Les Mis" better not win Best Picture. I mean, it probably won't. But Oscar has shown a weakness for glitzy musicals before. This is the same Academy that gave Best Picture to fuckin' "Chicago" after all.
But if it does win, I'll have a seizure.

8:22 - I've got a bottle of Scotch next to me. I'M READY FOR YOU, OSCAR! ARE YOU READY FOR ME?

8:23 - I'm apprehensive about Seth MacFarlane hosting. I don't like him, to be kind, but his love of old Hollywood musicals probably makes him an okay choice for host. There will probably be a lot of singing tonight. Lots. Hence the Scotch.

8:25 - I dislike watching the Red Carpet show, by the way. These ladies are annoying.

8:27 - It's unreasonable how excited I get for the Oscars. I know it's not going to end well, that boredom and probable pain will follow. Yet, here I am, eagerly counting down the minutes to the start. Sigh.


Cue the sparkly set!

The first Tommy Lee Jones joke of the night?

8:31 - I doubt a billion people are watching, Seth.

Oh joy, a tribute to music on film. Told you there'd be lots of singing.

First Affleck joke of the night? (He was snubbed by the way.)

8:32 - Okay, that was funny. Hollywood accountants are evil.

I know he's being sarcastic but the post-Oscar slump is very common. Look at Halle Berry.

8:33 - Seth's nervousness is visible.

And, hey, the "Daniel Day Lewis in character as Lincoln" jokes aren't old yet.

8:34 - Oh, Jesus Christ, really? A Chris Brown / Rihanna joke? Seriously?

Oh my God, really? A Mel Gibson joke? In 2013? It's going to be a long night.

8:35 -  Holy shit, it's William Shatner! The first of many awkward pop culture references?

8:36 - Shatner is looking awfully bloated and red these days.

Tina Fey should host the show someday. I've been saying this for about three years now.

8:37 - Oh joy.  A song about boobs. Classy. Was that Reese Witherspoon reaction shot real?

It's a shame too because Jennifer Lawrence's boobs are quite nice.

8:38 - The lack of laughter in the audience seems genuine.

Really? They're committing to this, huh?

8:39 - Channing Tatum's dancing isn't as bad as you'd expect.

Between Theron and Hathway, it's the year of short haired woman at the Oscars. Not complaining.

8:40 - Okay I laughed.

They really are committing to this, aren't they?

8:41 - Aw man, now I wish I had watched "Flight."

We didn't think it would be possible but Seth MacFarlane has incorporated Manatee Gags into the Oscars.

8:42 - What the hell is wrong with Joesph Gordon-Levitt's face? Also, Harry Potter is short.

8:43 - This intro is really stretching on.

He's hardly the first host to ever get a bad review, Bill.

8:44 - Holy shit, he is totally doing a Manatee Gag! ON THE FUCKING OSCARS! And old TV references! ARRGGH!

Cut away. CUT AWAY!

8:45 - A "Smokey and the Bandits" reference. Fresh.

Amy Adams is pretty intense. She probably would bite someone.

8:46 - Seriously, start the goddamn show. MY PATIENCE HAS ALL READY BEEN TESTED!

Not a single laugh at the Joaquin crack.This is going to be a long ngiht.

8:47 - Seth's petty grudge against Entertainment Weekly is pathetic.

Okay, so the show is actually fucking starting now? Good.

Tommy Lee Jones is probably going to win, first choice. Christolph Waltz, second choice.

8:48 - Arkin was good, even if he was doing the same schtick he's done in countless films. DeNiro was good too, actually acting for the first time in a few years. He won't win.

8:49 - Seriously, why wasn't "The Master" nominated for Best Picture? Best film of 2012. Is that Seymour's kid? Cute kid.

Tommy Lee Jones found a good fit for his grouchy old man bit in "Lincoln." And Waltz is constantly awesome.

8:50 - And the winner is? 

Holy shit! Christolph Waltz won! Big surprise! Maybe "Django Unchained" will actually win some other stuff tonight!

8:51 - Waltz is as surprised as everyone else. His first speech was better. A little too much thanking for my taste. "Couldn't resist." He's still awesome.

8:52 - Once again, Oscar has found a way to subvert my expectations. I never get it right.

8:55 - So what is this year's drinking game for me? Take a looooong shot for every musical number? Every time Seth makes a stall, unfunny pop culture reference? Okay, I can agree to that.

8:56 - I'm sorry, Melissa McCarthey's "obnoxious fat lady" schtick isn't funny in the least. She was better on "Gilmore Girls." This voice gag thing isn't very good.

8:57 - Is this the year awkward comedy comes to the Oscars? I'm not exactly celebrating.

Oooh, Animated Shorts! "Adam and Dog" should win! 

8:58 -

"Paperman" was really good and I liked it a lot but "Adam and Dog" was the clear winner. A little bummed. Am I going to get anything right tonight?

8:59 - Going straight into Animated Feature. I'm still betting on "Brave" but any one of them could get it.

Okay, I got one right. Not too surprised. Pixar is always a good bet.

Good on that guy for actually wearing a kilt.

9:00 - No need to shout, Kilt Guy. We can hear you. Most of these acceptance speeches are going to be long thank yous, aren't they?

So what the hell happened to Reese Witherspoon? Haven't seen her in anything recently. And "Life of Pi" was hardly one of the most original films of the year.

9:01 - "Beasts of the Southern Wild" was actually a real independent film. Glad to see that term isn't being abused tonight. Not yet anyway.

9:02 - So are the Best Songs nominees going to be performed in full tonight? I can't see Oscar missing the chance to get Adele to perform on stage.

9:03 - "Beasts of the Southern Wild" was overrated. Good, but overrated. Not exactly shocked to see that Oscar loved it. It's feeds into a lot of their favored subjects.

9:04 - Is that how you pronounce that? The "Q" is silent.

Seth must really want to bang Jennifer Lawrence. He keeps talking to her.

9:05 - That's not all of "The Avengers," Seth.

9:06 - Jeremy Renner: Funniest man at the Oscars.

Didn't see "Anna Kerinawhatever."

"Life of Pi" is going to win this one.

9:07 - Hey, two for two! This guy has got a beautiful flock of silver hair.

9:08 - Fumble, fumble. It's okay to be nervous, Silver Mane. I would be too.

Dustin Hoffman is looking large.

9:09 - That's how you do awkward humor, guys. These five are aces.

I hope "The Avengers" win.

9:10 -  Lame. But I'm not surprised that "Life of Pi" is sweeping the technical categories, even if it hardly deserves them. The Academy wouldn't know quality special effects if they flung tiger piss into their faces.

9:11 - "You thought this tiger was real? Nooope, it's fake."

Oh man, first music play-off of the night! The "Jaws" overture has never been more foreboding. It's a shame too because I was actually enjoying that speech. Oscar is such a dick, playing people off like that.

9:12 - I'm taking a shot for that, by the way. My Drinking Game always evolves as the night goes on.
9:15 - Not a single laugh for the "Magic Mike" joke. The audience hates Seth almost as much as I do.

9:16 - Could Channing Tatum be more wooden? Eeessh.

9:17 - No idea who is going to win Costumes. "Les Mis?" "Lincoln?" So many costume dramas.

Yeah, thanks for telling us what movie she's nominated for. I didn't see that one.

9:18 - Short, sweet, and too the point. Good speech.

9:19 - The Make-Up nominations are pretty dull this year. Anthony Hopkins didn't look a thing like Hitchcock.

Really? I mean, I'm sure movie Make-up isn't a walk in a part but you've got a movie that makes normal people look like orcs and goblins and a movie that makes pretty people look like poor people in 1800s France. Seems unfair.

9:20 - And my TV just froze. Anybody else getting this?

Okay, it's back. I guess we just aren't going to hear that speech.

 9:21 - Was that a bulemia joke? Halle Berry was a terrible Bond Girl. Halle Berry is terrible in general.

Nice shoulder pads, Jinx..

9:22 - SLIP. Wow, nearly an hour in and we're just now getting to the first montage. That's a good thing, I'm guessing.

9:23 - I'll use this oppretunity to announce that I just recently got the James Bond Blu-ray box set and a Series Report Card is forthcoming later in the year. Probably late summer. LOOK FORWARD TO THAT!

9:24 - This isn't bad, as far as Oscar montages go. You'd have to work hard to screw up Bond music and opening sequences.

Oh hai, Shirley Bassey. Didn't know you were a Dame.

9:25 - Her voice holds up pretty well. She can still hit those high notes.

9:27 - I approve of this performance. Let's see Adele top that. 

9:31 - We're back. 

Not the writers.

9:32 -  I keep forgetting Jaime Foxx is an Oscar-winner. "Ray" seems like a long time ago now. When Django tells you to pay attention, you pay attention, n____.

9:33 - I hope "Curfew" wins, even if it probably won't. "Henry' is my bet.

HOLY SHIT! The best film actually won for once! Awesome! Let's see a feature from this kid.

9:34 - Solid speech. The little girl in "Curfew" did give a great performance.

9:35 - I didn't see the Documentry Shorts. They aren't distributed with the rest of the shorts. They should work on fixing that in the future.

That speech came awfully close to getting political.

9:37 - The Harvey Weinstein joke means a SHOT! Last I checked, Liam Neeson wasn't a superhero. Or American.

9:40 - Remember when "Zero Dark Thirty" was the top picture of the year and going to sweep the Oscars? 

9:41 - Seth is tanking pretty hard. He can't even win them over with a John Wilkes Booth joke. 

9:42 - SHOT! A Kardashian joke? At the Oscars? Even Seth seems unsure of that one. 

9:43 -  Oh, that should have gotten a bigger laugh. Affleck is a funny guy. I legit like "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back."

"Searching for Sugar Man" is my official bet for Documentary, "The Invisible War" second choice. Unless one of the movies I didn't see wins.

9:44 - Yeah, that was pretty clear. "Searching for Sugar Man" was the doc of 2012. I guess Rodriguez isn't at the show tonight.

9:45 - Who is that guy in the back ground? The bouncer?

Holy shit, it is the bouncer! Are they going to play the "Jaws" music every time they kick someone off the stage? I'll admit, that's an affective tactic. SHOT, by the way.

9:48 - If you're curious by the way, my prediction are four against four at the moment.

9:49 - Oh shit, Seth's first real laugh of the night! Good for him.... Nah.

Holy shit, Jennifer Gardner is huge.

I don't see any other movie besides "Amour" winning Foregin Language Film.  

9:50 - That's how you pronounce Haneke's name? Go figure.

That was another easy one to call.

9:51 - Do you think Michael Haneke tortured rats as a kid? Just throwing that out there. "Shank you."

9:52 - The orchestra has been nice tonight, Seth. Listen to them just play right over him.

John Travoltra danced his way in. Nice toupee, Vincent Vega. It looks like it's made of plastic.

9:53 - Not that he needed anymore spring in his step. (Sorry, that was a little low.)

9:54 - Seriously, have you guys seen "Chicago" recently? It's kind of a piece of shit. A pretty piece of shit but never the less.

9:55 - Mrs. Michael Douglas looks good but she has looked better in the past.

9:56 - If they waste our time with stuff like this and don't perform the best song nomination, I'm going to be... You know, upset.

We get it, Oscar. You like musicals.

9:57 - Hey, here's homages to movies that aren't even a decade old. This is a valuable use of the ceremony's time.

9:58 - I've never seen "Dreamgirls." I bet I wouldn't like it.

9:59 -  I do say, that Jennifer Hudson madam has a propensity for striking high notes for extended periods of time.

10:00 - Serious, if "Les Mis" wins Best Picture, I'm just going to... Probably jump around in a rage. But I'll be thinking something much worse, I promise you that.

10:01 - Okay, while Wolverine warbles along, here's another bone I have to pick with "Les Miserables." The guy fell in love with that kid immedately. It's nice how the film so blatantly cuts around the awkward "new parent" stage. Just another reasons while that film is so fucking thin and weak. What a piece of shit.

10:02 - Oh fuck, can we please skip this? A celebration of recent musicals was not necesssary, guys.

10:03 - Hathaway is gorgeous, by the way. Then again, she could wear a hollowed-out sheep carcus and still glimmer like a star on the horizon.

10:05 - Thank goodness, a commerical break.

10:08 - Does that count as a pop culture reference? I'm taking it. SHOT!

10:09 - Zoe Saldana is wearing a bunch of old newspapers.

10:10 - Yeah, that's right, Seth, you fucking suck.

Oh Christ, here comes a CGI character. Cause that's never awkward or anything.

10:11 - Yeah, this is working out for them.

I don't have a horse in the Best Sound Editing category, by the way.

10:12 - I'm sure the Sound Editors for "Les Mis" appreciates having their name read out by a CGI, potty-mouthed teddy bear.

10:13 - Hugh Jackman looks a little awe.

Oh God, it's still there. KILL IT WITH FIRE!

10: 14 - They are really throwing down Jew jokes at the Oscars.

10: 15 - Once again, I'm not following this category.

Wait, a tie? Has this never happened before? That's kind of a big deal.

10:16 -  That was a good speech. Kid annedotes always work.

To see these two tie is a total surprise but it's worth noting both of these films were leading the polls earlier tonight.

10:17 - Do any of these sound editors own scissors?

10: 18 - Here comes the "Jaws" theme! SHOT!

I'm sorry, I looked away for a mnute. What the hell is going on?

10:19 - I'm counting that, by the way. SHOT.

10:20 - Yeah, that's right, Seth Macfarlane, Chris Plummer just got you.

10:21 - Christopher Plummer is awesome.

Hathaway is going to win, right?

I believe I predicted that very scene was going to be the Oscar clip for Fields.

I'm sorry, Hathaway sobbing her way through that shitty song wasn't impressive. Sorry.

10:22 - Called it. Me and a thousand other bloggers.

10:23 - And now Hathway is going to sob her way through her acceptance speech!

10:24 - She's so pretty it actually makes me kind of angry. Good for her for not crying like every other actress who wins.

10:26 - My predictions are six to four in my favor at the moment. This is not something I expected to happen.

10:28 - They are really beating the John Williams' scores to death tonight.

10:29 - He points at Seth. "Yeah, you got me, 'Family Guy' Guy."

10:30 - We now pause this Academy Award Presentation to promote our new theme park or something.

10:31 - Seth Macfarlane: "Hey, am I doing this offensive humor thing, right? Guys, am I doing this, right?"

10:32 - It wouldn't be an Oscar show without an apperance from the Demon Goat. She looks more and more like a wax figure every year.

10:33 - Man, those envelopes must be tricky.

10:34 - Thanks for that super boring, dull speech, guy.

Is Jennifer Lawrence trying to smuggle a meth lad in that dress?

10:35 - Is it just me or are Adele's cheeks freakishly rouged?

10:36 - Remember what I said earlier about Adele not topping Shirley Bassey? Yeah, sticking with that.

10:38 -  Is the sound mix off or is Adele just not good live? I like the song and all but the performance was definately off.

10:43 - It's a total bummer that Nicole Kidman, who was once a beautiful woman, has turned herself into a plastic-skinned android.

Hey, let's not throw the word "instant classic" around so willy-nilly.

10:44 - Tarrantino is apparantly trying to burn holes through Kidman's forehead with his laser vision.

10:45 - Roger Ebert was saying earlier he thinks "Silver Linings Playbook" could win Best Picture. Really? That would be a shock. I know Oscar is in love with it but it's not seriously Best Picture material, is it?

10:46 - That Django montage was surprisingly awesome. Good job condensing a lot of the cool stuff about that movie into a few minutes.

10:47 - Yeah, that one landed soft.

10:48 - Kirsten Stewert is just going to grunt her way through these annoucnments, hope that's okay.

10:49 - I know "Lincoln" hasn't won much up to this point but there's still several big categories coming for it. Wait on it. I'm fairly confident I'm right.

10:50 - There isn't a low bone Seth won't go for. Let's make fun of people's accent. Yeah, that's sensitive.

Selma makes that ridiculous dress look great.

10:51 - Though apparantly she can't read her teleprompter.

10:53 - Ususally they line up some better choices for the Honorary Awards.

10:56 - George Clooney alternates his facial hair every year.

10:57 - So who was left out of the dead people montage this year? Richard Lynch?

Yeah, Ernest Borgnine, that sucked. Really going to miss him.


Charles Durning, that was another one that hit me hard.

10:59 - I was honestly sort of hoping that Herbert Lom would just live forever.

Tony Scott: Maybe the most shocking death of the previous year?

11:00 - Oh, Ray Bradbury. You'l always be missed.

11:01 - Hey, here comes Barbara Streisand to piss all over that sincere montage.

That segue was lame even by your standards, Babs.

11:03 - While Babs just goes on and on, I'll take this time to make a general assessment of the show thus far. It's not been a disaster like the Franco / Hathaway job two years ago. Seth is trying his hardest to ruin it, not totally succeeding. The show's pace has jumped back and forth between painfully slow and rolling along quickly.

11:05 -  I would say it is slightly better then last year, as I'm not sliding into a peaceful slumber just yet. Seth's head-shoving-up-ass moments at least keep it more interesting then Billy Crystal's washed up shenanigans.

11:07 - Oooh, a Rex Reed joke. Cutting edge.

11:08 - How was "Chicago" game-changing?

Renee Zellweger has aged horribly.

11:09 - Best score is going to come down to "Life of Pi" and "Lincoln," I'm fairly certain.

11:10 -  Called it. Also, what the hell was going on there? Could Renee and Gere not read the name through their squints?

11:11 - Can we stop sucking "Life of Pi's" tiger dick? The movie was not that good.

11:12 - Okay, so they are not going to sing all the Best Song nomination? I hate that. That's fucking bullshit.

11:13 - I really liked the song from "Chasing Ice," by the way.

I am unreasonably angry that they are just playing snippets of the song instead of actually performing it. Plenty of time for a fucking homage to "Chicago" and "Dreamgirls," for Christ's sake, but not enough time to sing the songs that are actually fucking nominated. Bullshit. Big heaping bullshit.

11:15 - Oscar, you did not need to validate MacFarlane's ego anymore then you all ready did by getting him to host.

11:16 - Yep.

I'm totally kicking this show's ass, by the way. Eight correct predictions out of seventeen, six of which I didn't have any choices for. That's like 73% correct, guys.

10:17 - Though several of them have been super-obvious.

11:18 - Why was Adele crying? Suck it up, woman. First off, you've won like a thousand awards this season. Secondly, you are a giantess and could crush all in your path with a single step. You've got nothing to cry about.

11:20 - For those of you getting the same commerical as me, "The Heat" looks absolutely dreadful and not just because it has Sandra Bullock pretending to be a real person.

11:22 - Seth, the correct answers are Woody Allen and Penelope Cruz. But thanks for playing.

11:23 - Hathaway works the short hair better then Charlize.

And Hoffman is just going to cough all over her.

11:24 - Best Adapted Screenplay? My guess is "Silver Linings Playbook," second choice "Argo" or 'Beasts of the Southern Wild."

Can't win 'em all. Also, good job bumping the mic stand, Charlie.

11:25 - This guy is about to explode into a puddle of flopsweat.

11:26 - I'm rooting for "Moonrise Kingdom" but have no idea if it will actually get it.

Okay, well that's cool and all.
11:27 - I'm sorry, Jaime Foxx's reaction face made me laugh for some reason.


11:28 - Second funny joke of the whole night from Seth. And, yeah, we might have figured out that Samsung sponsered the show from the constant ads.

11:30 - Commenting on the commercials: Sorry, Tim Burton is no longer qualified to comment on if something is "too weird" or not.

11:32 - Going into the final stretch of the night. For some reason, the crowd loved that cocaine tree joke.

Was he being sarcastic about the Hollywood Parents thing? I can't tell.

11:33 - "Lincoln" has been surprisingly weak this evening but... Does anybody have good odds of winning director besides Spielberg?

11:34 - What the fuck? Seriously? Ang Lee? Who gives a shit about "Life of Pi?" Was there some sort of wacky split between Spielberg and Russell and Lee snunk in there? Did they really like that fucking movie that much?

11:35 - I'm way more angry about this then I thought I would be. What a random ass pick.

11:36 - Okay, Ang, you're going on a little long now.

When you get around to thanking your lawyer, you've run out of valid people to thank.

11:38 - Okay, I officially have no fucking clue what's going to win Best Picture now. Everyone else is saying "Argo." My original and the most obvious choice was "Lincoln." And now fucking "Life of Pi" wins Best Director. No clue. This is shaping up to be an odd year.

11:40 - Kirsten Stewert is giving Jean D. a serious stink-eye.

11:41 - My official guess is Lawrence, unless Chastain wins, in which case I called it.

11:42 - This is an odd choice for Riva's high-light moment.

Okay, the little girl's reaction shot was precious.

11:43 - She should have won two years ago for "Winter's Bone."

Annnnnd trip.

11:44 - Robert DeNiro looks bored out of his skull. And I would have expected a better speech from Katnis then a list of thank yous.

11:45 - And the most elegent thing Seth has done all night is walk off the fucking stage.

Um, no. None of these performances were challenging.

11:46 - Wait, I take that back. Joaquin was challenging. The rest can fuck off.

11:47 - Joaquin is too busy chewing some cud to give a shit about if he wins or not.

11:48 - Well, okay, Streep just threw that out there. That was unexpected even if the win wasn't.

11:49 - Holy shit, Daniel Day Lewis just told a joke! That looks like it casued him physical pain.

11:50 - He's rolling along with the jokes. Holy crap! I didn't know Daniel Plainview could be this funny!

(All right, actually, Daniel Plainview has always been hilarious.)

11:51 - That's not Steven Spielberg.

Daniel Day has a total man-crush on Honest Abe.

11:52 - Let's prop Jack Nicholson up and roll him out on the stage.

11:53 - This is unexpected. Nice haircut, First Lady.

Well, since we all know "Lincoln" was actually about Obama, it's obviously going to win Best Picture now.

11:54 - Jack Nicholson sounds like he's doing a really bad Jack Nicholson impression.

He also mispronounced "Les Miserables." And then apologized for it?

11:55 - "Les Mis" better not win. I'll go through the roof.

Okay, whatever. You people think you're better then me? Think you know these things better then me? Whatever. I'm not bitter or anything.

11:56 - Alan Arkin doesn't know where to stand.

11:57 - He is.

11:58 - I guess this Best Picture win vindicates Affleck for not being nominated for Best Director.

One great film. Three pretty good ones.

11:59 - Affleck is shaking apart like the Starship Enterprise in a black hole.

12:00 - And the show almost ran on time.

Seth's "who's paying for this" quip landed like a lead balloon.

12:01 - Now he's just standing there, waiting to go home.

Oh my God, a fucking song? Really? You want to go out on a song?

SHOT, by the way.

12:03 - Well, I'm nowhere as drunk as I expected I would be at this point.

12:04 - Over all impressions of the show? Middling but not horrible. Seth MacFarlane was not a good host. He was a bad host. However, the show didn't drag too horribly.

12:05 - They thankfully cut down on stupid gags and montages. Really, the only thing that made me thump my head in frustration was the deeply unnecessary homage to "Chicago," "Dreamgirls," and "Les Mis," something nobody asked for, I'm certain.

12:06 - Well, that and Ted presenting an award.

12:07 - As far as winners go, there were a few pleasent surprises, several categories playing out exactly as expected, and only one really egregiously wrong choice. (Looking at you, Ang Lee.) I know I gave "Argo" some shit but I did like that movie so it winning doens't piss me off or anything.

12:09 - This is dragging on so I'll wrap it up. Not a terrible show, just kind of a subpar one. 5.5/10. That's it for me. I'm going to drink some more Scotch and drift into a pleasent sleep. Now that Oscar season is done, that 2012 can go on the books for good, I can get back to reviewing horror films again. Thank you and good night. 

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