Last of the Monster Kids

Last of the Monster Kids
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Friday, September 11, 2026

Halloween 2026: September 11tth

 
For six years, me and my buddy JD did a podcast. Very quickly into this process, I discovered I hated the sound of my own voice. I felt an obsessive need to cut every awkward pause, half-formed thought, stammered word, repetitive filler phrase, weird breath, and all the gross crackling, clicking, and slurping sounds your mouth sometimes makes as you talk. This led to the episodes sounding extremely choppy and only coming out two or so times a month. It would sometimes take me twelve hours of editing or mixing to produce an hour long podcast, an amount of labor that in no way was rewarded by the paltry listeners base we slowly developed. I bring this up to say that I know exactly what it's like to stare, bloodshot and dead-eyed, at a computer monitor while chipping away at a wave form. It is, I hope I'm illustrating properly, not a very cinematic experience. When it was announced that A24's hot shot indie scare-fest this year attempted to generate frights from this exact same hobby, I was skeptical. "undertone," insistently not capitalized, received the same wave of hype as A24's other horror flicks as well as the usual much more divisive reaction from wider audiences. Time for me to catch up and see if this one actually did get scares out of slouching over a mouse and keyboard, isolated behind headphones, as you glare at Audacity for God knows how long.

Evie currently lives in her childhood home and takes care of her catatonic mother. There's no chance for improvement and all Evie can do is watch over mom until her body catches up with her non-functioning brain. Evie also co-hosts a popular podcast called the Undertone. Her and co-host Justin investigate eerie and unusual audio they find online. The show is sent an email containing a string of incoherent text and ten audio files. The recordings seem to document a young couple, expecting their first baby, as the mother-to-be experiences sleepwalking episodes and nightly disturbances. Distorted nursery rhymes, backwards speech containing strange messages, and other odd noises accompany the audio. Evie plays the skeptic to Justin's true believer. He insists he hears the rambling noise invoking Abyzou, a Semitic demon said to cause miscarriages and drive expectant mothers to madness. Evie thinks it's all a hoax until she begins to have disturbing nightmares, hear strange things, and have other unsettling incidents. Evie is also, she soon learns, six weeks pregnant.

Early within "undertone," Evie and Justin have a conversation about how children's nursery rhymes contain secret, macabre messages. This is a widely held but mostly overstated belief that the film unironically buys into. It regurgitates a dubious myth that "London Bridge is Falling Down" contains references to child sacrifice before inventing a really goofy "dark" meaning for "Baa Baa Black Sheep." This occurs alongside the script's fixation on demonic messages being backmasked into reverse speech and random groups of letters. The spooky audio files includes a baby screaming, a creepy old pull-string doll, and banging in the middle of the night. All of this is set off by the creepypasta-like premise of very stupidly listening to audio they've been warned not to. This is mirrored in the opening scene by Evie choosing to watch a supposedly cursed YouTube video of a warped face. All of this reads as extremely corny to me, to the point that it probably sounds like a joke. However, the film seems to be playing it all very seriously. Much the same way it picks a rather silly sounding name for its demonic threat. Yes, Abyzou is a name actually taken from the Key of Solomon and surrounding folklore but the name being continuously repeated only draws attention to how goofy the pronunciation is. When paired with repeated references to infanticide, sometimes bluntly stated as “women killing their babies,” “undertone” starts to feel like a horror movie conceived by an eleven year old kid with misconceptions about what is and isn't actually scary. 

Clearly, motherly instincts being twisted into murderous ones is meant to run parallel to Evie's own mommy issues. We never learn too much about her relationship with her mom but it would seem ma's devoted Catholic beliefs fucked up her kid. Clearly, Evie is terrified that she'll mess up her own child, bad parenting being passed down to the next generation. I wish writer/director Ian Tuason leaned into that element harder. Not only because it would've made the script a lot richer, creating actual depth and not merely the suggestion of it, but it also inadvertently reveals the film's best idea. By living in her mom's house, Evie is surrounded by Catholic iconography. However, she finds no comfort in it. A lingering shot of a disinterested Christ or a little statue of a grimacing saint suggests that, if a higher power does exist, it is ambivalent or actively scornful of us. One assumes this is meant to tie into Evie's status as the podcast's resident skeptic. “undertone” doesn't seem to have too much to say on this topic other than the standard horror moral of a non-believer being punished. Which doesn't say much about the role of spirituality in the modern world, technology supplanting religion, or the question of why evil is so active but good seems non-present. 

Tuason originally intended “undertone” to be an audio drama. This perhaps points to the story being secondary to the primary focus as a technical experiment. The film's sound designs is, indeed, very well done. Whenever Evie slips her headphones on, an eerie silence overtakes the film and draws the audience's attention to what they are listening to. Utilizing the viewer's imagination does make the off-screen paranormal activity a lot more compelling than it otherwise would be. A chilly, isolated ambiance is quickly engineered, via some howling wind outside. The steady wheeze of the mother's breath or the crackle of the microphone are strongly used When the creepy shenanigans ramps up, “undertone” does a good job of deploying louder sounds without the constant jumps getting annoying. While an evil laugh or demonic bellow are misplaced, the film's soundscape is usually effective. 

This relative blend of maximalism and subtly is also present in its visual design. The entire film takes place within Evie's house. The dining room where she sits in front of a microphone is the primary setting. This still shots, almost boxed-in, draw our eyes to the shadows and margins of the frame, making us watch out for any weirdness. When the camera does move, it's in surprisingly fluid, perhaps even “Evil Dead” influenced, shots that roam ominously around the home. The spiral staircase leading up to the bedroom is often decorated with disconcerting shadows, exactly the kind of thing you'd start to see in the middle of the night after listening to spooky bullshit on your computer for too long. 

“undertone” is almost a one-woman show for Nina Kiri, as only one of two characters that actually appear on-screen. She's a sturdy enough actress to carry the film. Her big, expressive eyes are well-suited to a character that is constantly vulnerable. However, the script never goes as far into the character's head as it could have. Evie remains a frustratingly thin character throughout, her feelings towards her mom and quasi-boyfriend too flatly laid out while her inner thoughts never quite become clear. “undertone” is clearly influenced by “Repulsion” but never seems as willing to go into the echoing depths of its protagonist's head. Take the audio angle present here and mash it up with Lauren Ashley Carter in “Darling” and you'd have a much more satisfying film. Despite a dopey script and shallow approach, “undertone” does sometimes work as a horror flick. Not so much as a movie about podcasting, as Evie and her co-host don't seem to never record more than ten minutes of audio in each session but still somehow get an episode out weekly. [6/10]




At some point before 1911, Arthur Henry Ward reportedly asked a Ouija board what would make him a fortune. He claimed the planchette spelled out “C-H-I-N-A-M-A-N.” He set out to create such a character and consulted the writings of Bayard Taylor as a reference. Taylor, by the way, referred to Chinese people as possessing “depravity so shocking and horrible, their character cannot be hinted at” based solely on the shape of their skulls. Ward would name his villain Dr. Fu Manchu and the stories and books featuring him, published under the pen name of Sax Rohmer, became an immediate success. The popularity of these tales would influence other pulp fiction in the following years, Dr. Fu Manchu being a creditable pick for literature's first proper supervillain. Rohmer drew from every Yellow Peril cliché imaginable in these texts and probably invented a few new ones. Today, Wikipedia summarizes the character as “a fictional supervillain based on Asian stereotypes.” And so, Rohmer's creation occupies a conflicting place in modern pop culture. His fingerprints are visible on most mad scientists, evil sorcerers, or colorful crime bosses made since. The specific character remains so insanely problematic as to be nearly impossible to use in any modern context. True to form, the number of adaptations of Rohmer's work had white actors playing the character. Boris Karloff was not the first white man to play the character on-screen and only donned the yellow face one time, in 1932's “The Mask of Fu Manchu.” However, his take was so popular as to make Rohmer's villain something of a classic horror mainstay, leading to other genre icons playing the part long after such things should've gone out of fashion. Curiosity has got the best of me, so let's take a look at this deeply problematic relic of the not-nearly-distant enough past. 

Archeologist Lionel Barton has uncovered the legendary tomb of Genghis Khan. The mask and sword within are said to hold magical qualities. British Intelligence warns Barton that criminal mastermind Dr. Fu Manchu is also searching for the tomb, intending to use the ancient relics to incite his people into a race war with all white folks everywhere. Fu Manchu kidnaps Barton and subjects him to various tortures. The man's daughter, Sheila, and her fiance Terry lead the authorities to the tomb but Fu Manchu's spies are hot on their trail. Soon, the villain has captured Terry as well. His equally wicked daughter, Fah Lo See, develops an erotic fixation on the man, who is subjected to brainwashing. The mesmerized Terry leads Sheila and her party right into the clutches of Fu Manchu. Will his dastardly scheme come to fruition? 

“The Mask of Fu Manchu” is a movie so flagrantly racist, as to almost be totally detached from reality. The film uses “Chinese” as a term interchangeable with all people of East Asian and even Middle Eastern descent at times. Fu Manchu's plan is to rattle anyone who looks like him into such a frenzy that they genocide apparently all people of Anglo descend around the globe. (That look being rather demonic, as the make-up Karloff is under features pointed ears, black slits for eyes, sickle shaped brows, and a scarred and leathery face.) Fu Manchu is Luciferian in his wickedness, brilliant but only in service of pure evil. His daughter is a sexual sadist, twisting and bending white men to her will with her exotic sensuality. His henchmen might as well be supernatural zombies, sinewy thugs with perpetually scowling faces that obey their master's word without question. The finale sees an army of pan-Asian individuals assembled in the villain's lair, the camera pausing on their monstrously presented faces. The same scene sees Karen Morley on a slab in only a night gown, contrasted with the antagonist's declaration that his minions spread their genes far and wide. Yes, “they” are coming for our precious white women. The heroes triumph by turning a lightning weapon on this crowd, reducing every Asian person in sight to smoldering ash. The post-script then features a grotesque caricature of the buck-toothed, squinted-eyed, smiling Chinese man-servant. The obvious implication being that the only good yellow man is the docile, unintelligent, submissive one. Any “Oriental” more willful than that presumably deserves to be executed via laser beam, in this film's opinion. 

It is a moral foundation that is, to say the least, troubling. To merely judge and dismiss a film like this, however, closes our eyes on the past. We must consider something like this as “a product of its time” but that's not an excuse to turn your critical brain off either. In that case, what do we learn from "Mask of Fu Manchu?" Namely, that someone has always been happy to profit off portraying outsiders and anyone of a different culture as faceless monsters. Nauseating as the thought is, it's also not difficult to imagine a modern day equivalent treating Muslims or undocumented immigrants or drag queens in much the same way. And the current administration would probably love that. Shining a light on bigoted propaganda such as this reminds us that the past really isn't that different from the present. The desire to demonize any cultural other has always been there. Whether they be Jews in medieval Europe, communists in post-war America, Asians in this film, or any of the current administration's chosen boogie men, the technique remains the same. Reduce everyone of one race or “type” to a faceless horde, with only violent and vile intentions in mind, and push the solution that we must wipe them out before they do the same to us. Don't consider the individual and certainly don't consider what those in power have to gain from you treating an entire demographic this way. 

The most insidious part about bigoted propaganda is a repugnant ideology driving a project doesn't preclude it from being entertaining either. “Mask of Fu Manchu” is a sturdy piece of pulp. The film is fast paced, quite a lot of incident being packed into its hour-long run time. There aren't too many minutes in the film that aren't occupied with an action sequence, moment of suspense, or salacious imagery. This a pre-code film, meaning its franker about sex and violence than you might expect. Fo Loh See's fascination with the hero is characterized as erotic in nature. We see some bar patrons grab a maid, while opium dens and brothels are referenced in dialogue. The various torture methods and death traps are especially focused on, pushing the film comfortably into the horror genre. The male hero is stripped of his shirt, strung up, and whipped repeatedly in a moment that definitely feels like somebody's fantasy fulfilled. Fu Manchu drives his victims to madness by strapping them beneath an enormous ringing bell. Later, he tries to dispose of enemies by putting them on a teeter-tooter above a pit of crocodiles or sitting them between two slowing enclosing spiked walls. (Moments that once again, show the obvious influence films like this would have on later blockbusters in the James Bond or Indiana Jones franchises.) It's not quite the flayings and Satanic orgies of “The Black Cat” but it's on the same wave length. 

Of most interest to classic horror buffs is, of course, Boris Karloff's presence. As he did when playing a more benevolent racial stereotype a little later, he foregoes any offensive accent. Instead, ol' Boris is in full-on diabolic villain mode. The script makes sure to play up Fu Manchu's brilliance, referencing his doctorates and various fields of expertise. Not that this was necessary, as Karloff always brought a sense of refinement to his villain roles. He ramps the wickedness and sadistic glee way up in other scenes. When explaining the torture of the bells or preparing some specialized snake venom, he seems absolutely delighted. When delivering his modus operandi in the climax, why, I practically felt the need to rise up and slay the white devil myself. In other words, he's a fantastic bad guy, intimidating and a little crazy but with a sense of style and concentration about him. The script does not go into Fu Manchu's back story and why he hates the pale-skins so much. However, Karloff plays him with such frenzied determination and focused anger, that you have to assume it's personal and not political in nature. Was Fu Manchu a victim of Western imperialism? Someone more familiar with the source material than myself will have to inform me but that feels like the implication here. 

The film also features some lovely sets and decent black-and-white photography. A sequence of the hero ascending a flight of stairs, contrasted in stark black against a brighter background, looks pretty damn cool. Myrna Loy was supposedly uncomfortable playing Fah Lo See and you can see her reeling back a bit, though her face and poise remains compelling nevertheless. All of this means “The Mask of Fu Manchu” is a film that leaves me with a conflicted feeling, being exactly the kind of golden oldie cinema that I enjoy while also being a vile piece of racist agitprop. The film does a good job of summing up what made the Fu Manchu character interesting in the first place: That he's a damn stylish bad guy, thoroughly wicked but also strangely charming and demure. Everything about the character is also totally inseparable from the white supremacist ideologies that birthed him. I don't know how to untangle any of that shit and wouldn't blame anyone from dismissing the film entirely based on that. Consider this the guiltiest of pleasures for me. Also, we should probably think of a new name for the mustache... [7/10]



Night Gallery: The Waiting Room

The spooky western is probably a fictional trend that dates back to the days of ghost stories being traded out in the actual frontier. While short stories about cowboys wrangling stray dinosaurs or Gene Autry uncovering an underground civilization weren't unheard of, “Ghost Riders in the Sky” becoming a hit single in 1948 presumably gave the premise a big push. Rod Serling would pen a similar tale with “The Waiting Room,” the 18th installment of “Night Gallery's” second season. Gunslinger Sam Dichter rides into an isolated, wind swept town. He spies a dead outlaw hanging outside the town and rides into the only saloon that's open. Inside, a group of cowboys silently play a poker game. They recognize Sam and invite him to play. Slowly, each of the men reveal their name and back stories... And how they died, each taking a fatal bullet in a destined shoot-out. Each man exits the bar with the chime of the clock, Sam refusing to accept why he has been invited to this place as well. 

Most every cowboy song or story notes that the life of a western gunfighter is a short one, destined to end violently. However, “The Waiting Room” still gets a surprising amount of eeriness out of observing this idea. Since it is obvious very quickly that Sam has entered into some cowboy purgatory here. Rather than try and build any suspense from that evident forthcoming reveal, “The Waiting Room” instead plays its set-up for foreboding ambiance. The segment features no music. Instead, the only soundtrack is the wailing wind outside. The western town is empty and black. The glimpses Sam gets of the street outside are hellish and dream-like. The bartender has the Dracula lighting on his eyes. All of this goes a long way towards creating an isolated and shadowy.feeling, doing well at selling the idea that this is the but one hell awaiting those that live and die by the gun. 

Another factor very much in “The Waiting Room's” favor is that it's mostly composed of a cast of veteran character actors trading well-written dialogue in a crammed room. Steve Forrest is all wide-eyed anger as Sam, sinking only deeper and deeper into disbelief and denial as the night goes on. Buddy Ebsen and Jim Davis both get chilling monologues, as they describe the circumstances that lead to each of their demises. Serling's script features some especially sharp dialogue and you can tell he enjoyed the more exaggerated style the horse opera setting gave him to play with. Honestly, some grizzled old guys trading heated words in a spooky saloon is really all you need for a quality half-hour. “The Waiting Game” provides just that, a creepy and intriguing reflection on how the “toughest” guys tend to fall the fastest and messiest. [7/10]


Friday the 13th: The Poison Pen

Having now established its cast and premise, "Friday the 13th: The Series" can fully embrace its "cursed object of the week" format. A series of mysterious deaths at a Franciscan monk monastery attracts Jack's attention. He sends Ryan and Micki to investigate, both going undercover as monks and Micki disgusting herself as a man who has taken a vow of silence. Jack soon joins them, believing that the abbot of the monastery, famous for predicting people's death, is in possession of a cursed pen. When someone's real name and a method of execution is written down, the pen wills it to happen. This is not quite true because the man in possession of the pen is not a monk but rather the scheming sibling of one, who is conspiring to sell the land the monastery resides on. And he is very willing to kill anyone who stands in the way of that goal. 

An actual monastery, inhabited by real monks in old-timey robes and isolated from modern culture, residing in late eighties Canada seems unlikely... But, inexplicably, the lifestyle was kind of on the upswing in pop culture at the time. A record of chanting monks would go all the way to number three on the Billboard chart five years after this episode. This is not the only broadcast from the time I can recall spotlighting the monastic lifestyle. I certainly cannot explain this sudden fascination but, if nothing else, a dusty old monastery makes for a good setting for a horror story. "The Poison Pen" gets some okay ambiance out of that. It also provides some comedy of the intentional kind, as Micki posing as a suspiciously pretty young man is mostly played for comic relief. There is a scene of her binding her breasts but any queer subtext is presumably accidental. Especially since the episode plays a scene of one of the other monks spying on her in the shower, via a "Porky's"-style peep hole, for sleazy tension. Also, when Jack shows up in a hooded robe, he puts on a silly Italian accent.He also later accurately identifies a tarantula as harmless to humans, a subversion I didn't expect from a show like this. 

The whole premise is rather absurd and that allows "The Poison Pen" to play more as intentional camp than the cornier first episode. Colin Fox as the murderous friar really hams it up, especially the closer the heroes come to uncovering his "Scooby-Doo"-ian real estate scam. When asked why he isn't meditating, he pulls a gun and says he was "pre-meditating." Good one, padre. The proto-"Death Note" set-up also allows for an episode structure similar to the show's slasher namesake to take root. There's a pretty decent sequence involving a guillotine the monks have around for some reason. An even better moment has the canape of a bed lowering over the sleeping man and smothering film, featuring the pretty neat visual of his screaming face pressing through the fabric. Pretty macabre stuff for eighties broadcast television standards. Hopefully further episodes are closer in tone to the amusing goofiness of this one than the lamer shenanigans of the premiere. [6/10]
 


Thursday, September 10, 2026

Halloween 2026: Halloween 10th

 
Scales (2019)
Sayyedat al-Bahr


Much like the unicorn, the mermaid is another mythological figure that has been mostly flattened by popular culture into a singular form. While most modern depictions follow Hans Christian Anderson's – or, more likely, Disney's – lead, the exact nature and appearance of mermaids differ wildly throughout global folklore. They are often conflated with the seductive and predatory Greek sirens, who were actually more like bird-maids. European stories usually have them as bad omens that foretell shipwrecks or monsters that abduct young girls. Other tales present convoluted rituals by which a landlubber can fall in love with one. Asian varieties often feature the idea of eating a mermaid's flesh making you immortal. A lot of local variations often act more like mischievous water spirits than Ariel. Half-fish, half-human gods were prominent in ancient Middle Eastern religions while several of the “One Thousand and One Nights” featured an underwater societies. I can only speculate on whether or not such stories inspired writer/director Shahad Ameen. More probably, Ameen was inspired by the plight of other women in Saudi Arabia and surrounding countries, as a burgeoning feminist movement attempts to establish itself in a conservative region. Nevertheless, her 2019 film “Scales” does represent an interesting cinematic take on fish-tailed humanoids and their relationships with people on the shore. 

“Scales” is set in the small village upon a rocky, desert-like island. As continuous droughts make it impossible to grow anything, the residents have instead found an alternative to keep themselves fed. They've worked out an agreement with the mermaids living in the surrounding waters. Once a year, the villagers provide their newborn daughters to the “sea maidens.” In return, the beings allow the land dwellers to hunt them for food. Hayat's father could not bring himself to sacrifice his daughter. Twelve years later, the other villagers resent her presence and consider her a curse upon the land. After her mother gives birth to another girl, it is demanded that Hayat give herself up to the mermaids. Instead, she drags one home and slays it in the town square. While the traditionalist men of the community are reluctant to accept Hayat aboard their fishing ships, she impresses a captain enough to be accepted on a voyage. This is the beginning of the young girl learning more about the women of the waters and herself. 

Multiple plot synopses refer to “Scales” as taking place in a post-apocalyptic world. This is only implied in the actual film, a drought lasting upwards of a decade being the main clue that something has gone wrong on a global scale. Considering the simple homes and clothing of the villagers, and that the film features no technology more advanced than a crossbow, the story could just as easily take place in medieval times as after an ecological disaster. That points to the most interesting aspect of “Scales.” The tradition the plot is built around certainly feels like something out of an old folk tale. The indeterminate time and place clearly establishes a “Once upon a time...” like far-off vagueness. At the same time, the rigidness of this culture intrigues you and pulls you in. The mermaids have seemingly always been here. No reference is made to a time before the villagers began trading their young daughters off to the sea people. You become curious about how this came about, how it functions. Which is a good hook, if you'll excuse the fishing pun.

While fairy tales take place Once Upon a Time, in a Land Far Far Away, that's not why they resonate with modern audiences. It's because their lessons can reflect any culture, any social woe of any age. “Scales” aspires to that level of universality. The film is a reflection on the constrictive social paths put in place to control women. In this village, girls have only two options: Either become mothers or become sacrifices to the mermaids, a decision made for them by men at the earliest points in their lives. Fayat's mere existence challenges this structure and it only becomes worst when she begins to seek out the role of fisherman, a professional so masculine that it literally has “man” in it. Eventually, unsurprisingly, “Scales” reveals that the roles enforced in this world extend into the ocean too. As an ignorant westerner, I can only assume that Shabad Ameen was speaking to the specific difficulties facing women in Saudi Arabia and neighboring countries. “Scales'” fairy tale metaphor for feminine repression by harsh traditions is vague enough to reflect any place in the world... But it's also pretty clearly about growing up as a girl in an conservative Islamic world. The film unsteadily walks that line, between direct commentary on current events and a more general thesis. 

This points towards maybe my main issue with “Scales.” The film only runs a little over an hour long. Long stretches are without dialogue. The film's black-and-white cinematography is often devoted to the out-stretched, desert landscape, as if the film is pondering something by gazing at the rocks and shores. There is almost no musical score at all. All of which is to say that “Scales” is an almost stereotypical pretentious art film. The tone is contemplative throughout, as if the movie is directly asking you to consider its deeper meaning. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. The cinematography is nice. In its best moments, such as when a mermaid is pulled aboard the fishing boat and seems to attack Fayat, it captures an almost dream-like tone of lyricism. The final images of the film is when it comes the closest to grabbing that appeal to the subconscious, of a Teutonic visual that could've come from a dream. However, I couldn't fight off the feeling throughout that “Scales” was a short film expanded to feature length mostly through pregnant pauses and meaningful glances. 

“Scales” was included in Severin's latest volume of its folk horror collection, suggesting that its consideration within the genre is not ambiguous. However, I am tempted to say that this is one of those borderline cases, of a movie so focused on making its point that other goals start to fade into the background. It is certainly an interesting film, if only because it is clearly a reflection of another culture and the specific challenges facing it. It's also a vague film, often frustratingly so, that seems to leave most of its more intriguing ideas in the margins. Mermaids are underutilized as a movie monster, so forgive me for hoping for more literal scales and fewer metaphorical ones here. [6/10]




It is, I would hope it goes without saying, wrong to reduce any country or culture down to merely a collection of broad stereotypes and then make a mockery of said stereotypes into a source of humor. The people of France are wide and varied, making countless contributions to every field imaginable. Having said all of that, the French kind of having it coming, don't you think? There's certainly a proud history in the comedy world of dunking on the French, ranging from Monty Python to Pepe LePue to a thousand other examples. While this has leaped over into nationalistic bigotry at times, it mostly just strikes me as good nature jabs. They have funny accents and they like wine, oh ho ho. Anyway, casual Francophobia is exactly the sort of middle-brow humor I would expect from the “Killer Tomatoes” series. The second film ended with a sarcastic promise that the series would continue in “Killer Tomatoes Eat France.” This finally did come to pass in 1992, the third and fourth installments seemingly being filmed back-to-back and both made for the direct-to-video market. 

Despite seemingly having perished at the jaws of his own murderous salad ingredients in the last one, “Eat France!” begins with Dr. Gangreen residing in a prison in a French fortress for his crimes. With the help of his ever-true assistant Igor and a new batch of homicidal cultivars, the villain escapes. He sets his sight on an obscure ancient prophecy. Should an extremely specific set of circumstances come to pass, including the streets of Paris running red, Louis VXII will reappear, claim the throne, and re-instate the French monarchy. Igor happens to resemble the exiled heir apparent, causing him to be central to Gangreen's ploy. Meanwhile, some guy named Miachel is backpacking through the French countryside. He meets up with a French girl named Marie, the two quickly developing a romance. Following an incident involving shoe-related royalty rituals, Michael and Marie stumble into Gangreen's scheme. All of this proceeds the nation of France being consumed by the Second Great Tomato War. 

The fourth “Killer Tomatoes” movie does rely on some easy stereotypes. Everyone in France is preoccupied with romance, or at least sex. All the women are named Marie. There's gags about eating snails, mimes, and wine. At the same time, the version of France that exists in this movie is motivated more by vaguely recalled history lessons than any genuine malice. This version of France seems torn between 18th century peasant village and gaudy modern tourist trap. The country's government operates on a shoe-based monarchy system, in a fashion centric parody of the Sword in the Stone legend. At some of the jokes in the movie seem based on stereotypes that, as far as I know, do not actually exist. Such as French beauty standards preferring huskier women or a preoccupation with castles. The film is such a willful exercise is blatant absurdity that I think even the stodgiest Frenchmen would have to work extra hard to take offense. 

Some of these jokes are more inspired than others. The running gag about excessive numbers of staircases is repeated one time too many. The film runs 94 minutes, which is definitely at least fourteen minutes longer than a motion picture like this ever needs to be. The increasingly zany last act feels more desperate the longer it goes on. Despite the dead air, “Killer Tomatoes Eat France!” made me laugh far more than the previous installment. The gags here come a little faster. There's a number of amusingly silly set-ups. F.T. is now an internationally beloved pop star. There's a random interlude done in the style of a Buster Keaton silent comedy. The killer tomatoes have now gained both faces and individual personalities. (Further following in the cartoon show's footsteps, two of the fruits are named Zoltan and Ketchuck.) This furthers the comparison I made last time, that this feels like one of those slight off-brand eighties/early 90s kid-friendly creature features. We are about half-way between “Ghouiles III” and “Pet Shop” as far as tone goes here, a comfortable place for this particular series to reside. 

Another way “Eat France!” is an improvement over “Killer Tomatoes Strike Back” is that it has considerably more amusing leads. Marc Price stars as our hero. This franchise being what it is, Price makes a fourth wall leaning joke in his first scene about the direction of his career when measured against Miachel J. Fox, his “Family Ties” co-star. While I can't comment much on Price's overall Hollywood journey – outside of “Trick or Treat,” of course – he does prove to be a likable enough comedic lead here. He delivers a few decent lines, such as the reoccurring bit about whether him and Marie are on the rocks or not. Angela Visser as Marie, doesn't exactly have the comedic timing of a Marx Brother but she somehow makes the one-note gag of her character work. The film also centers John Astin and Steve Lundquist as Gangreen and Igor more. Instead of shoving Astin in a very unfunny parody of daytime talk shows, this sequel happily lets the former Mr. Addams ham it up in his silly, theatrical way. 

Oh yeah, this one prominently features the theme song too, which is how you know it's one of the “good” ones. Granted, the standards of this comedic series are fairly low. Saying “Killer Tomatoes Eat France!” is the second best entry in the series is the fainest of praise. However, this one does a much better job of grabbing the sense of cartoonish wackiness of the visual gags with a more likable cast. With this film's release and the cancellation of the cartoon spin-off the previous year this particular ketchup bottle surely should have come up totally empty. You'd expect a series, especially one as thrown-together as these, would likely end more on a heath-hearted series of quasi-jokes rather than actually have a few laffs. But how am I suppose to dislike any movie that has a giant sized tomato man with a Phantom of the Opera gimmick, who breathes fire, and full-on vores a woman during a scene that is a probably unintentional homage to “The Creeping Terror.” In other words, a couple of laughs were had. F.T. is still cute, Astin can still ham it up, and there's enough inexplicable oddball bits here to make me chuckle. France may not be eaten but I had a a mildly good time nevertheless. [6/10]



Late Night Horror: The Corpse Can't Play

While discussing the "William and Mary" episode of "'Way Out" recently, I noted that the show's content prompted gripes from viewers. Amusingly, this is not the only time that happened. The same story was also adapted for a British anthology series. "Late Night Horror" aired on BBC2 in spring of 1968. After only six episodes, the network pulled it because of viewer complaints. "Late Night Horror" then faced the same fate as a lot of early British television: The recordings were taped over with later broadcasts or simply thrown out. The adaptation of "William and Mary" is among these missing installments. The entire series was thought lost until a black-and-white recording of the third episode, "The Corpse Can't Play," was uncovered in 2016. Just earlier this year, a print of the first episode – an adaptation of Richard Matheson's "No Such Thing as a Vampire" – was also dug up. However, only "The Corpse Cant Play" is widely available as I write these words so let's talk about it.

Our setting is the birthday party of ten year old Ronnie. After a game of musical chairs escalates into fighting, his mom retreats to the kitchen. The women are awaiting the arrival of Ronnie's father from the office. Instead, the next knock at the door is a late-comer to the party: the bespectacled Simon Potter, known around school for the recent death of his father and his overall social awkwardness. Ronnie blurts out that Simon assuredly wasn't invited but his mom insists they treat the boy like any other guest. As the adults return to the kitchen, the kids continue to play games, usually singling Simon out to bully. After Ronnie's dad arrives – having grabbed some garden tools on the way home – the kids are told to play one more game before dinner is served. Ronnie chooses the game of Murder. The lights are turned out in the house and the boy uses this as a chance to apologize to Simon for his behavior... Before shoving him into a tiny cabinet and locking the door. This has unforeseen consequences. 

The title of this episode and "Late Night Horror's" very creepy opening – a montage of an old woman's head spinning around before a monstery hand rips the skin off and reveals a skull – had me expecting some supernatural horror. The English love their ghost stories, after all. "The Corpse Can't Play" is, instead, more like a "Tales from the Crypt"-style morality play. Rather than focus on cheating spouses or conniving crooks, this story takes place in the world of children. The fourth grade lot can be as cruel as any criminal though. Simon's mere presence is treated as an intrusion by Ronnie. The kid never does anything wrong. He even brings Ronnie a gift, an expensive remote controlled car. He's excluded and teased anyway. Ronnie picks a game based around miming out the professional of each kid's father, knowing full well that Simon's is dead. He turns this into a public spectacle, laying on the floor with his arms' crossed when Simon refuses to play along. Another one of the guests mocks Simon for wearing glasses, even though he has an eye patch on. (Maybe his roughhousing resulted in an eye injury or maybe they were playing pirate earlier.) Having bad vision and a dead father are things Simon has no control over but he gets picked on for them anyway. Even Ronnie's dad seems turned off by the kid's dorkiness. He interrupts as Simon is suggesting a game and, after the boy tries to explain the convoluted rules, the dad patronizingly dismisses it as "a grand idea." 

Dad also takes the time to complement one of the little girls at the party on how pretty she is. That was probably an innocent line but it shows how the grown-ups in this story don't seem able to relate to kids on their own level. After Ronnie and Eyepatch Kid get into a scuffle, his mom simply breaks the fight up and leaves, no further discipline following. She spends most of the rest of the episode hiding in the kitchen, while her friend passionlessly assembles sandwiches. The ruckus the kids are making in the neighboring room is so loud, you can't hear the adults' dialogue at times. This is dismissed as kids merely being kids. Before turning the lights out, Mom asks Ronnie to leave the door cracked but then his dad closes it anyway. These parents seem, at best, apathetic towards their own  kids. Maybe even a little intimidated by them. The lack of any discipline is probably why Ronnie and his pals are such assholes. The pranks he plays on Simon aren't harmless tomfoolery but rather targeted cruelty. Especially in how he pretends to be friends with the boy before shoving him in a tiny closet. Someone not liking you is one thing but someone pretending to be your friend only as a pretext for more mockery is much worse, heaping a thought-out betrayal atop a rejection. 

As someone who was also a socially awkward lad that wasn't great at reading social cues, I could only relate to Simon here. With "The Corpse Can't Play" being a product of the same country that made "Apaches" and "The Finishing Line," I expected the climatic violence to be visited on one of the kids. That's not exactly what happens. Instead, the ending suggests that maybe all the other children were right to exclude Simon from their social activity. I don't like that suggestion, furthered by a deranged look into the camera being the final shot of this half-hour. I don't think it's backed up by the rest of the program either, as Ronnie is obviously the bully and Simon clearly the victim. The bloody revenge instead emerges as ironic punishment, a shitty person getting their proper comeuppance. The ending line of dialogue has a brutal sting to it, suggesting that the intended moral is less "don't invite the weird kid to your party" and more that bad behavior has bad consequences. "Late Night Horror" has some E.C. Comics style blood too. Which is pretty stiff looking but I'm not surprised television audiences were shocked by it in 1968. . The black and white print is not in the best condition, the pacing is slow, and framing is a bit awkward on the whole but "The Corpse Can't Play" still has some bite to it. [7/10]
 

 
Friday the 13th: The Series: The Inheritance

 
It's an experience horror fans of a certain age can probably relate to. You're a young monster kid. You pick up the TV Guide or see a Sci-Fi Channel promo for... What's this? “Friday the 13th: The Series?” Oh, what people will Jason kill every week, in always more sexy and exciting ways? Any excitement was quickly crushed by the discovery that Jason Voorhees was not in “Friday the 13th: The Series.” That the program had nothing to do with the long-running film series, save for the name and a producer's credit from Frank Mancuso Jr. It was Mancuso's idea to name the syndicated show after the beloved/notorious slasher franchise, a calculated move that he knew would attract more eyeballs than the original working title of “The 13th Hour.” I'm sure ol' Franky boy was also aware that the discovery of the lack of actual connections to the films would also turn off a lot of perspective viewers. And it did, at least for boyhood me. Despite that, “Friday the 13th: The Series” would gather a cult following of its own. A new “Friday the 13th” TV show is set to premiere next month and this one actually will have Jason Voorhees in it, at least a little bit. While I'm fully expecting to dislike that program, I will give it a fair chance. Which means, I suppose, I should give the old “Friday the 13th” TV show a shot too. So here we go. 

“The Inheritance” begin in the Vendredi's Antiques shop, presumably some place far away from Camp Crystal Lake. There's where Lewis Vendredi, after signing an agreement with the Devil for immortality, sells cursed items to unsuspecting customers. Mr. Simms, his young daughter Mary, and her recently acquired new stepmom Irene enter the shop. Mary is enchanted by a creepy, pale faced doll. She takes it outside, where it quickly slashes the throat of a passing motorist. Vendredi decides this is the last straw and refuses to sell the doll to the family, after which the Devil appears and claims his soul. Some time afterwards, his estranged niece Micki inherits the shop. Working with her cousin Ryan, they quickly sell any remaining stock. Including that evil doll to Mr. Simms, who gifts it to Mary. Unsurprisingly, the demonic doll begins to work its evil magic on the girl, Irene soon ending up in the hospital. A friend of Uncle Lewis, an occult expert named Jack Marshak, appears at the shop and makes Micki and Ryan aware of what exactly they've come into possession of. He convinces Micki and Ryan to track down that doll before it kills again, the first of many such enchanted objects sold from the shop that the pair will have to retrieve. 

Yes, that's the hook for “Friday the 13th: The Series.” Basically, a new evil nick-nack will threaten the lives of somebody every week, Micki and Ryan tasked will hunting it down and returning it to the vault under the antiques shop. In other words, it's going to be a different “demonic artifact” every week. As far as cursed objects go, a creepy doll is a classic one. In some ways, “The Inheritance” handles this idea decently enough. The doll looks unsettling enough, with its corpse-like pallor and the ventriloquist dummy-esque way its mouth and head moves, while still being believable as something a child might be attracted to. The little girl, an adorably toe-headed Sarah Polley in her next credit right after “Blue Monkey,” comfortably walks the line between a kid an innocent kid struggling to adapt to a new step-mom and someone in the throes of seduction by evil. By the same accord, “The Inheritance” has one or two clever ideas up its sleeve. A shot of the devil coming for Uncle Lewis' sole is proceeded by the visual of fiery foot prints appearing down a staircase. Similarly, the shot of the doll slashing the random guy's throat is surprisingly gory by eighties television standards. 

Polley's presence is not the only link to the Canadian big bug movie I just watched recently. “The Inheritance” was also directed by William Fruet, only the most obvious indicator that this was a Canadian production. Yes, this show was an eighties Canadian production, which means it's also fairly low-budget. That is evident in the moment directly after that cool shot of the devil coming down the stairs, when Uncle Lewis is pushed down an elevator shaft to Hell. That kind of cornball horror, both lacking totally in subtly but pulled off with too little flair to be campy fun, also runs throughout the episode. While the doll is kind freaky looking, its habits get less creepy as the episode goes on. The doll seems to telepathically trigger misfortune by hissing at people and things, which is silly. This climaxes with a room full of stuffed animals coming to life and making animal noises at an elderly babysitter, which is sillier yet. By far the least convincing moment is when the doll, who was previously ripping throats out like Chucky on bath salts, seems to stare a lady to death. These ridiculous moments are supported by an over enthusiastic soundtrack, of blaring jump scares. 

I'm not one to turn my nose up at some cheesy, slightly shitty old genre television. I frequently love this exact kind of nonsense. This means that “Friday the 13th: The Series” could certainly grow on me. Programs like this depend a lot on the charm of their cast. Louise Robey and Chris Wiggins, as Micki and Jack, have some okay chemistry as the cousins with differing approaches to the supernatural.  Mostly what I've noticed about Robey, who is credited only by her last name, is that she has the most 1987 hair-do I've ever seen. I kind of like the weird quasi-romantic tension they have, despite playing cousins. I was also amused by the scene of Micki's lawyer boyfriend. I hope he becomes a reoccurring character. Did you buy a demonically cursed object from Vendredi's Antiques? You may be entitled to compensation... [5/10]


Wednesday, September 9, 2026

Halloween 2026: September 9th

 

Robert Bloch was living 35 miles away from Plainsfield, Wisconsin when the nocturnal activities of local handyman and taxidermy enthusiast Edward Theodore Gein were uncovered. Bloch would claim that his short novel, about “the man next door being a monster,” was nearly completed when news of the crimes reached his ears. However, the similarities between Norman Bates and Ed Gein seem impossible to dismiss. Either way, Gein's macabre acts and Bloch's book possibly or possibly not inspired by them were the butterfly wing flap that set off a tsunami of cinematic changes. “Psycho” surely deserves a placement on the list of Most Famous Movies Ever and its impact on the medium needs no introduction. Horror looks completely different without it. Adding a butcher knife to a genre more about gothic tropes or radioactive monsters up to then would be the spark that would set off a forest fire of slasher flicks and gore-fests. All of which is to say that another blog post in which a middle-age guy rambles on about the greatness of “Psycho” is unnecessary. But it's been a while since I've seen it, much less rambled about it, and I'm in the mood to do so.

“Psycho” is often compared with “Peeping Tom” and the two films definitely have one major component in common. “Rear Window” was Hitchcock's biggest dissertation on voyeurism but “Psycho” is also a motion picture obsessed with being observed. The opening sequence, starting from a God-like overview of Phoenix, slowly peeks into the privacy of Marion and Sam's hotel room. The intimacy of the two, slipping back into their clothes after a middle-of-the-day date, already makes us feel like perverts spying on people. Much attention is drawn to how Marion is observed by the rich client at the bank, before her boss looking in at her through the windshield of her car begins her journey. The highway patrolman who pulls her over glares in from the passenger side window, his own eyes blocked by reflective sunglasses. He continues to watch her from across the street as she attempts to swap vehicles at a dealership. During her anxious dinner with Norman, the taxidermed birds also glare over their shoulders at the two. While Lila tensely confronts Sam as his hardware store, P.I. Arbogast sternly watches from the doorway. Of course, the most blatant example is Norman watching Marion undress through his secret peephole. This is a movie keenly focused on being watched, whether with our knowledge or without, and seems split on which scenario is more uncomfortable.

And why should we care if someone is watching us? What have we got to hide? The characters in “Psycho” have plenty. Sam and Marion's affair is happening partially in secret, as if one of them is already married. After she steals the wad of cash from her job, Marion definitely has plenty to hide. A stray look from her boss or the glaring policeman are not merely unwelcomed voyeurs. They know she did something wrong. At least, that's what she senses. This nervous undercurrent of guilt, that our secret crimes will come to light, is what drives much of the tension of “Psycho.” Norman stutters and fidgets when interrogated by Arboghast or Sam. His attempt at a causal conversation with Marion is laced with a deeply uncomfortable feeling. His rambling about his mother, his dual devotion and resentment of her, points towards the real reason everyone is so secretive. We are all guilty, of some crime or misdeed, sure. When we are children, it's not the law or interlopers we typically answer to. It's our parents. We are all scared of disappointing our mother. It's the most primal of paranoias, that our Mom will find out we aren't good little boys or girls after all.

From a modern perspective, Sam and Marion being so secretive about their relationship is silly. Who cares if two consenting adults are sleeping with each other? Moral pressures were stricter in 1960. The main tension in the affair is that Sam doesn't want to get married, so that Marion can finally present their passion as a clean, socially acceptable relationship and not a dirty, dirty sex thing. Two unmarried adults humping because they are attracted to each other is perverted, in the way all sex is perverted, but it's “normal” perversion. Marion's own guilt over her out-of-wedlock boning is what pushes her to commit a crime, truly getting the story rolling. Her own thoughts, imagining how the conversations between her boss and the man she defrauded would play out, drive her further and further into illegal actions. Still, this could perhaps all be explained to a reasonable authority. The option of returning the money is still there. This kind of sketchy but understandable “perversion” stands in stark contrast to the twisted world of Norman Bates she is about to stumble into. If Bloch was indeed inspired less by Ed Gein directly and more by the idea of an unassuming small town resident secretly being a murderous, incestuous, cross-dressing wretch, that is carried over into the film. What Marion is doing has relatable motivations. What Norman is doing is the result of a fragmented, sick mind that hopefully most viewers would not relate too closely to. It's an intriguing contrast, between someone who thinks they are really morally transgressing and a person who is genuinely mad.

Of course, Bloch's Norman Bates is a balding, short, pudgy alcoholic who collects books on occultism and “pathologically pornographic” imagery. It was Hitchcock's idea to cast Anthony Perkins, a slender and willowy teen idol, and Joseph Stefano's script subsequently softened a lot of Norman's more outwardly off-putting attributes. This was ostensibly done to help along the narrative misdirection Hitch was playing here. The twist of “Psycho,” that Marion Crane is not the protagonist, that she dies a half-hour in, is the kind of masterful trickery the director was known for. The film's advertising was largely built around discouraging audiences from spoiling the surprise. I don't think that's the real reason, or at least not the only reason, “Psycho” is structured like this though. Norman is definitely creepy from the beginning. His intense moods during his sandwich dinner with Marion is about as crimson as a red flag can get. Obviously, the audience already knows that he's at least a peeping tom by this point. 

However, Marion's death is a switcheroo that leaves viewers with no one else to follow but Norman. (Certainly not gruff, stand-offish Sam Loomis, shifty Arbogast, or the mostly undefined Lila.) Perkins playing Norman as a deeply nervous man, obviously broken by a lifetime of henpecking from his mother,  makes us sympathize with him too. That makes the film's focus on guilt far more unsettling. Hitchcock was a pervert too who, impishly, delighted in making his killers and villains likable. Despite the extremity of his perversion, Norman is too pathetic to be repulsive. We like the guy or, at the very least, think he's more sad than dangerous. The implication is clear: If Norma Bates had been our mom, we probably would've turned out like this too. You probably didn't have a shrieking harpy of a woman as a mother and a hotel full of codependency and emotional incest issues. However, you probably did something that caused mom to be angry, frustrated, or – worst of all – disappointed in you. Sufjan Stevens said it more succinctly: On our best behavior, we're really just like him. 
 
Regardless of how neurotic our moms made us, odds are good we all have some sort of hang-up or another about sex. It's a sweaty, sticky, messy thing. Fueled by not always easily controlled desires wrapped up in frequently thorny emotional contradictions. From the moment Norman sees Marion Crane, he's sexually attracted to her. He hesitates before giving her the key to room 1, because he feels bad about wanting to spy on her undressing... But he gives her the key anyway, because he's really fuckin' alone out there and she's really pretty. Which brings us to the shower scene, which has been referred to as the single most analyzed piece of filmmaking in history. I'm sure I'm bringing nothing new to the conversation when I point out that the murder plays a lot like a sex scene. Marion's slow disrobing, her ecstasy once the warm water is running down her face, is clearly sensual in its framing. The actual murder is an act of penetration and Bernard Hermann's shrieking soundtrack could easily be cries of orgasmic release. Hitchcock and his team were all too aware that the fleeting glimpses of Janet Leigh's body were likely to titillate viewers not too horrified by what they were seeing. The act leaves her body collapsing, because she's just been brutally stabbed but not dissimilar to the same way a good screw leaves a person feeling utterly exhausted. Norman's mommy issues are so intense, his approach to sex so wrapped up in his guilt over feeling these things at all, he stains the tub with genetic material and then runs off. 

The practically clinical sequence devoted to him cleaning up the murder scene includes a lingering close-up of that same bodily fluid dripping down his hand and between his fingers. It's blood, not cum, but the moment still reads like a masturbatory postmortem. Every guy in the world has had to discreetly wipe up, hoping someone won't walk in as they reach for the tissues or paper towels or whatever. That's what it feels like when Norman drags Marion's body until the shower curtain, wrapping it up, neurotically cleaning every corner of the room. (The blatant pun in his last name getting clearer.) It's another way Hitchcock draws a parallel between Norman's behavior and far more common sins anyone watching can relate to. You film your murder scenes like sex scenes is directing 101 but all of “Psycho” is filmed like a sex scene. Marion's car pausing in the muck of the swamp is a cinematic edging of the audience before the vehicle slips into the water, like a cock into a hole. Norman's look of fear is also a look of anticipation. Cause that's the thing about doing something naughty: We don't want to be found in such an unguarded, intimate moment... But also the fear of that possibility makes it exciting, doesn't it? Every horny teenager – and every adult they grow into – knows the irresistible drive to do something their parents won't approve of. And that mixture of anticipation and fear over such a secret act. 

Hitchcock couldn't take it any further than that in 1960. When he did, twelve years later in “Frenzy,” it resulted in a pricklier, harder to defend film. The story had to pull back and refocus on Lila and Sam and Arbogast and Sheriff Chambers and his wife at this point, so as not to be too horrible for censors already scared of a flushing toilet. “Psycho” is still tentatively, eagerly pushing us into Norman's twisted world in the back half. The camera assumes the perspective of its characters more often, such as when Lila approaches the door to the Bates home. Now we aren't watching or being watched. It's us that's on this journey. The film carries that dreamier undercurrent in its last hour, the noir-ish shadows of John L. Russell's cinematography getting darker and more expressionistic. The murder of Arbogast is detached from reality, the man seeming more to float down the stairs than plummet after the slash of blood appears on his face. The camera angles in that scene and Norman moving mom down to the cellar are to disguise the incoming truth, yes. It's also to leave us more adrift as the narrative sinks deeper into the darkness of the man's world, like the impression of Norma's body in her bed sheets. 

The climax, the discovery of Mother's taxidermied corpse, sees the film escalating to pure dream logic. The shrieking strings are back. The cries of “I am Norma Bates!” never match to any set of lips, the voice instead becoming a demonic announcement from the subconscious. Perkins' face writhes and body twists in religious awe or sexual abandon as he's revealed under mama's dress. It's a moment so effective as an assault on the senses that only a re-watch reveals how strange and unearthly it is. We are deep in the fruity underground by that point, getting a closer look at Norman's personal Hell than your average movie-goer could probably handle in 1960. 

That's why “Psycho” has to end with that monologue from Simon Oakland, explaining every detail of Norman's psychosis, to the squares in the audience and the annoyed Paramount censors. It's a filmic post-nut clarity, a slow return to the concrete world of logic and Freudian excuses after a dip into a kinky, nightmare land of a loner with serious Mommy Issues. It's a testament to how charming a presence Oakland is that such a didactic denouncement still works. Hitch couldn't resist himself though. Norman, sitting alone in a room that looks like some sort of abandoned building, framed to the left of center, is a return to the dream logic of the climax. So is the grinning skull face glaring right at us before the cut to the car withdrawn from the murky depths. That's another metaphorical post-coital visual, that feels like the harsh light of day breaking through into the goon cave of our minds. Or that split second shock of walking out of the theater, the dread-filled tones of Hermann's score making sure that chilly feeling follows audiences out.

I've rambled on far too much myself here, so I'll wrap it up. Getting into the psycho-sexual shade of Hitchcock's most enduring masterpiece is hard not to do at times. Whether the film can be said to still be shocking or horrifying after sixty-six years of imitation and parody is besides the point. This is still a deeply textured, fascinating motion picture that people will be studying and unraveling for another sixty years. Other directors could go further into the inhospitable horror of a mind like Norman Bates' but few of them had the skills to back them up like the master. This is why “Psycho” remains a towering high-water point for horror and cinema in general. [10/10]


 

The reprise of the famous theme song in "Return of the Killer Tomatoes" refers to it as "part two of only two parts" while conceding that, should the sequel be successful, a third part would follow. This was a savvy recognition of how franchise-hungry the late eighties and soon-to-be early nineties were, for even the most improbable candidates. Four Squares Production, John DeBello's company, initially never intended to make more "Killer Tomatoes." However, clips from the first film were featured in an episode of, bizarrely, "Muppet Babies." This episode was so popular that New World Productions, who owned the animation company that made the aforementioned baby-centric spin-off, approached Four Squares about making more... This did not include merely a live action sequel to the original either. A Saturday morning cartoon based on "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes," though actually drawing most of its plot from "Return," would debut in 1990 as part of the fledgling Fox Network's kiddie offerings. This was in the aftermath of a weirdo indie comic book with a silly name becoming a pop culture phenomenon among children. "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: The Series" was one of many coattail riders, attempting to take oddball cult favorites and turn them into successful cartoons and toy lines. (And not even the strangest example...) The cartoon "Killer Tomatoes" did add one innovation to the franchise. From the beginning, the posters for these movies featured tomatoes with scowling eyes and big toothy mouths. The movies themselves notably did not but the cartoon would, turning the blood-thirsty fruits into expressive, talking characters. Which meant that, when the prophesied third "Killer Tomatoes" movie did arrive, it brought this element into the films. I bet you did not expect this series to have lore, did you? 

Despite that, "Killer Tomatoes Strike Back!" seems oddly disconnected from the previous two movies or the cartoon. Wilbur Finletter is now a police captain, instead of a restaurant owner. Neither him, his nephew, nor Tara the Tomato Babe are the main characters of the sequel. Instead, "Strike Back" follows man-child police detective Lance Boyle. Grisly murders are occurring around Crystal Mountain and he's assigned to the case. The presence of tomato sauce at the crime scene leads to Kennedy Johnson, a lady scientist who studies tomatoes, being brought into the case. Boyle believes murderous tomatoes to only be an urban legend but he soon learns otherwise. How does this connect to extremely popular daytime talk show host, Jeronahew? Well, that's the new assumed identity of Dr. Gangrene, who has hatched an evil plot to brainwash the masses via the insidious power of television. 

Part of why "Return of the Killer Tomatoes" was a big improvement over the original was because of its lovable group of heroes. Instead of building on that, part three mostly discards them. Only F.T. returns here, with Gangrene and his handsome Igor being the only other prominent reappearing cast members. Instead, the film centers around the new characters of Lance and Kennedy. They are played by Rick Rockwell and Crystal Carson. The latter was a veteran of slasher "The Zero Boys," did some television, and would begin a three year run on "General Hospital" shortly after her role here. (Her Wikipedia article, which I suspect her or her agent wrote, also says she's an acting coach with "many well known Hollywood clients.") Rockwell, meanwhile, has only one other claim to fame: He was the prize on reality show one-off "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?" That program owes its infamy to the after-the-fact discovery that Rockwell was not a multi-millionaire, had abused and stalked an ex-girlfriend, and that the subsequent marriage was immediately annulled. All of which is to say that building an entire movie around the comedic stylings of these two was not the wisest decision. Rockwell mugs extensively and never shows much charisma or charm. He's just kind of annoying, with a screen presence best described as bratty. Carson is better, I guess, though also lacks magnetism or comedic timing. The two have zero chemistry together. "Killer Tomatoes Strikes Back!" goes completely inert whenever the focus is on these two's supposed growing romance. 

Part two also reorganized the original's barbless cultural satire and middling spy/B-movies parody around a standard teen sex comedy premise. This one leaves that behind. Instead, the structure here seems to be that of a buddy cop movie. Lance is treated like a rules-bending cowboy cop, despite not acting much like one. John Witherspoon appears as his partner, invoking the white guy/black guy combo of "Lethal Weapon." However, the film features little of the two interacting, with Witherspoon's disappearance being a motivating factor in the second half. The cop-investigating-a-murder plot is merely the clothesline upon which the film hangs a series of parody scenes. This includes a pretty well done opening riff on a "Friday the 13th" movie and a mildly amusing stab at "Psycho's" shower scene. I'm not sure if the timing is right but I think another early bit is poking fun at the crime scene investigations of "Silence of the Lambs," which piles on the sight gags in the Zuckerian tradition. Unfortunately, the rest of "Killer Tomatoes Strikes Again"  is incredibly shaggy, its gaggery mostly coming across as unconnected. A random, lengthy spoof of rock video visual tropes or an extended "Temple of Doom" set-up feel tossed in. The result is a plot that is shapeless even by the standards of this franchise.

Disappointingly, most of "Killer Tomatoes Strikes Back" is poking fun at trash talk television. Gangrene's "Jeronahew" persona is obviously a spoof on Donahew and Geraldo types, his program indecisively set between inflammatory freak show and faux-inspirational schlock. His grip on the public's consciousness is cult-like in its intensity, which seems to overstate the influence talk shows had on America. This ties into the series' on-going disdain for the media, TV reporters once again being mocked stuffed-shirt types that place ratings and fame over integrity. If all of this feels very Boomer-ish in its attitudes, I suspect that was intentional. There's weird, unfocused jabs at P.C. culture, resulting in the cops carrying paint guns instead of pistols and the police force being promoted as especially multicultural. An irritating scene involves a bank teller being offended by nothing. Gangrene's motivation turns out to be the pettiest kind of complaints about society at large, which the film indecisively depict as ridiculous or justified. "Killer Tomatoes Strikes Back" has a vague sense throughout about being annoyed at the direction the culture is headed in without any center of legitimate anger or outrage behind it. The result feels non-specific and fangless, lacking the sharpness of good satire or even the conviction of modern conservative grievances about wokeness or whatever. 

The result is a comedy that isn't very funny, probably the least entertaining kind of cinematic failure you can make. Every once in a while, a "Looney Tunes"-like cartoonish energy emerges. Such as when Kennedy perfectly mimics Lance's movements or when the woman produces a number of unlikely objects from her bag. A scene where Rockwell has to punch off attacking tomatoes or gets his car papered with parking tickets the minute he walks off made me chuckle a little. By the end, my hopes that this would be as amusing as the second were sadly deflated. John Astin does his best to bring a wacky energy to his scenes. Those muttering, monster-faced tomatoes are cute. Kind of like what you'd imagine a live action "Madballs" movie might be like or something. That's very little to power a whole movie around unfortunately. The biggest sign that someone missteped here is that the theme song only appears as a brief melody in the score. Come on, guys, that's the part everyone liked! [5/10]
 

 
Wednesday: A Murder of Woes

After seven long hours, I’m finally at the end of “Wednesday’s” first season. Wednesday has learned via her telepathic visions that Tyler is actually the monster that has been killing people. An attempt to confront him results in Wednesday performing some advanced interrogation techniques, which gets her nearly arrested and Tyler very much not. That’s before a call from Eugene reveals that Wednesday’s shrink is not Tyler’s master but someone else. The actual perpetrator quickly reveals their motivation, origins, and master plan. That would be to resurrect Joseph Crackstone, so he can rain holy hellfire down on the school. In other words, Wednesday’s prophesied status to either destroy or save the school comes to past, along with some other dramatic confrontations and transformations.  

I previously referred to “Wednesday” as Netflix taking Charles Addams’ eighty year old comic strip characters to reverse-engineer their own “Harry Potter,” “Twilight” and a CW superhero show from it. These are the primary influences on the season one finale. Which means all the hackiest tendencies of the writers’ room take control here. Both of the primary villains drop their entire motivations via a speech. The latter happens because of some shakily explained split personality shenanigans. The other is just bad writing, a sudden personality shift being accompanied by a heaping helping of exposition. This is before a resurrected zombie witch-hunter appears via magical ritual. It would seem that “outcasts” is the show’s accepted term for any non-normie person. A better show would comment on how John Crackstone, in his fanatical quest beyond-the-grave to wipe out “outcasts,” he’s become a supernatural entity himself. Sadly, “Wednesday” can’t pause to do that on its way to the special effects filled action finale. 

That the final episode feels so rushed truly makes me wonder why previous episodes wasted our time with bullshit subplots. The “Harry Potter” resemblance becomes unavoidable when you’ve got a pale-faced villain trying to blow up a prep school. The “Twilight” comparison appear when you’ve got a CGI werewolf of debatable quality wrestling with another bug-eyed monster. Since her primary love interest has turned out to be a monster, the show must drag the other male lead back out – I had already forgotten about him – and give them a few pregnant pauses together. Which continues to be pointless, when Enid is the only character on the show that Wednesday has actual tension with. She does wolf-out to save her in this episode, which is not enough to justify a moment after the climax that feels especially out-of-character.

In fact, “Wednesday” has still not found a way to balance its need to be a supernatural romance/adventure show with its technical status as an “Addams Family” adaptation. Jokes about Wednesday’s proclivity towards torture or insanity play as especially senseless when put into a setting where these things have consequences. Or they should anyway. Unfortunately, the death of a semi-major character is treated as a barely paused at aside and Wednesday escapes death herself through the intervention of a ghost. She has a big sword fight with the villain too. I simply cannot put into words my disdain for how generic, uninspired, and lifelessly executed this all is. Season one wraps up with a gratuitously set-up cliffhanger for the next season, a final confirmation to me that I am simply not the target audience for this program. Wednesday and Enid are cute together and all that. But I am allergic to bullshit streaming series pacing and Y.A.-style melodrama. I do not recognize much of what I love in “The Addams Family” in this iteration and will not be continuing with watching it. [4/10]
 

 
Tales to Keep You Awake: La pesadilla

The previous two episodes of “Tales to Keep You Awake,” Narciso Ibanez Serrador’s influential and beloved (in Spain) horror anthology series, I’ve written about where of non-standard length. The first episode, “The Birthday,” only ran about ten minutes following a lengthy entry. The second I watched, “The Ragman,” was from the later season after the series’ installments had expanded to feature length. That makes “La pesadilla” – “The Nightmare – the first normal episode of the program I’ve watched. The story takes place in the Carpathian Mountains in the 1880s. A rash of young women have died in the village, succumbed to a strange fever with a distinctive mark – two small holes – left on the neck. The grieving fathers of the dead girls become convinced a vampire is responsible… And they know who he is too. Mr. Lolakin lives on the edge of town in a dusty old home. He’s never seen in the daylight or at church. The town doctor, meanwhile, insists that him and his daughter Catalina have had dinner with Lolakin several times. That he’s an ordinary man and not a creature of folklore. The locals are not so convinced and assure the doctor that, if another girl ends up dead, they are going to drive a stake through Lolakin’s heart.

Through no intentional planning on my behalf, this is the second anthology episode I’ve watched this season to confront the morality of a lynch mob. The second scene is a lengthy conversation in the town pub between the doctor and the would-be leader of the vampire slayers. For every hysterical claim the man makes, the physician counters with a more logical conclusion. He repeatedly insists that vampires are not real. This is the idea that most of the episode seems to run with. It’s quickly revealed that Catalina is desiring a relationship with Lolakin, who insists he’s not interested. When he rejects her final offer, she reveals a plan to blackmail him. That she has collected trophies from each of the dead girls and, if he doesn’t run away with her, she’s going to tell the eager lynch mob that she found them all in Lolakin’s yard. The way this plays out is quite inevitable. Reason fails. Hysteria prevails. The mob rules.

Considering how adamant he is about refusing Catalina, and that it’s stated his only companion is a live-in man-servant, maybe the implication is that Lolakin is gay. This would make the man another victim of a social outsider being blamed for unrelated crimes. Catalina performs a degree of scheming to allow these events to play out but no other explanation is provided for what is killing the girls. This leads us to assume, quite logically and just as the doctor first suggested, that a fever is responsible. Outbreaks of disease are usually pin-pointed as the culprit behind most historical vampire panics. That makes the nightmare referenced in the title to be one of social breakdown. Grief and fear have driven otherwise normal people into committing a ghastly crime. The focus on a stake being driven into someone’s heart, the bloody effects unusually focused on for sixties television, makes a similar observation as George Romero’s “Martin.” A stake through the heart is just as effective on a living person as on a vampire.

“Historias para no dormir” was clearly a low budget production. Most of “La pesadilla” is composed of people standing in rooms and talking. The production values are limited. Despite that, Serrador does summon a decent bit of quiet atmosphere here. There are several lingering shots, of an empty home at night or the door of a business, that create a bit of an eerie feeling. The series also has a clear sense of humor about itself. Serrador’s introduction is very tongue-on-cheek, with several deadpan jokes worthy of an “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” opening. That same sense of humor comes back around with the last scene, which makes the title more literal. I’m not quite sure how to interpret that move, though it is an amusing note to take us on. Overall though, this is a pretty intriguing forty minutes of vintage television. [7/10]