Oscar 2011 Live Blog

So, tonight's the night.

I've been eagerly awaiting the award show tonight despite the fact that it will probably be awful. I had an absolute blast live-blogging the show last year. The ability to immediately respond to something feels like some sort of nerdy take on gonzo journalism. I am literally hard with anticipation.

It's actually luck that I'm able to be here right now doing this. A tree fell on my house Friday, tearing down my power line. I got electricity back yesterday but still don't have heat. So it's very cold in here. But it's better then sitting in the dark. If I miss the show and the chance to blog it because of some cruel random stroke of nature, I would be seriously pissed.

Anyway, the Oscars. My local Alamo Drafthouse, God bless it, showed the nominated short films this past week. I thought this was really cool because I almost never actually get the chance to watch the nominated shorts. I only got a chance to catch the animated shorts. I'll reflect on those... Now!

The winner of the Best Animated Short Film will probably go to "The Gruffalo." It's got an all-star cast and is based on a beloved children book. "Day and Night," the short that played before "Toy Story 3" this past summer, is also up for a nomination. Pixar is always a safe bet so it'll probably be the runner-up.

Personally, I'm rooting for "The Lost Thing," a sweet, surreal little fable from Australia. It's probably too quirky to actually win but I'm hoping.

"Madagascar, carnet de voyage" is a visually impressive, musical travelogue. The only nomination in the category I actively disliked was "Let's Pollute!" a pro-pollution parody of '50s educational reels that hammers its point home and overstays its welcome at only six minutes. The theater also showed two highly commended shorts, the heartbreaking short from Germany, "Urs," and Bill Plympton's parody of action films and advertising called "The Cow Who Wanted to be a Hamburger," both of which are quite good and either of which I would have preferred to have seen nominated.

So, anyway, the show itself. James Franco and Anne Hathaway, neither of which are comedians or professional hosts, will probably stumble through another dry, harsh three hours. The show itself is apparently making heavy use of green-screen and I can't wait to see that backfire spectacularly, which I'm sure it will.

Also, a technical note here, this isn't actually a real live-blog. I am not using live-blog technology because I'm not real keen on how it works. So, basically, constantly refresh your page. I will be.

Anyway, we've got seventeen minutes the counter on the obnoxious red carpet show is telling me. See you soon.

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8:17 - This is the first time, I think, I've ever actually bothered watching the red carpet show. The interviews with actual nominees are nice but the focus on mindless chit-chat and fashion is annoying to me. Who even gives a shit? We're here for the movies!

8: 20 - This is my second year live-blogging, as has long been established. But it's my fourth year watching the show all the way through. I use to just watch until I got bored and then watch the high-light reels the next day. I haven't started to regret my decision... Yet. We'll see.

8:23 - Oh Jesus fuck, who invited Halle Berry? If there was ever an actress who's pop culture cred plummeted after winning, it was her.

8:27 - I am literally quivering with antici...

8:28 - ...pation.

8:30 - OH SHIT! "SOCIAL NETWORK," son!

8:31 - I'm digging this remix of "In the Hall of the Mountain King."

The Academy has also been promising to do away with most of the time-consuming montages. Clearly, that doesn't extend to opening sequences.

8:33 - Nice jab at Alec Baldwin's crappy job last year.

Oh God, is the whole night going to be full of sub-SNL skits like this?

8:34 - Uh Christ, really? The eye-patch? Ugh.

8:35 - The Morgan Freeman gag would have been funnier if they didn't draw so much attention to it.

Oh Gawd, FUNNY COSTUMES! Holy fuck, this is awful.

8:37 - Back to the Future. That's... Relevant.

8:38 - Ah. See what you did there, Oscars.

8:39 - I actually have "127 Hours" with me right here. But I haven't had a chance to watch it.

This is stifling.

8:40 - Anne Hathaway's eyes disappear into a pool of blackness every time she blinks.

8:41 - "Black Swan" technically wasn't a lesbian movie. It was all in her mind, you see.

8:42 - What is this? I thought they said, no montages? So they drop montages in favor of slide shows?

8:43 - I haven't actually seen any of the movies Mr. Big just listed off. I'll get around to it, eventually. "Lawrence of Arabia" is long.

8:44 - "A best picture classic?" Really Tom? Because people remember "Titanic" so fondly these days.

I don't know how "Alice in Wonderland" got so many nods. It was crappy.

...Annnnd it's the first winner of the night. This bodes well.

8:45 - Check out that lady's neck wrinkles. You could loose change in there.

8:46 - "The Wacky World of Tim Burton." Indeed.

Hat on the Oscar. Cute.

A rushed, sweaty speech to start the night on. Still, could be worse. Could be Sandra Bullock.

8:47 - "Inception" winning cinematography? That's cool.

I don't think any of my predictions have been correct so far.

8:48 - "Where's that thing?" Awkward and rushed are clearly the secret words tonight.

8:50 - COMMERCIAL BREAK! I really hope Hailee Steinfeld wins Best Supporting Actress. She was the favorite to win after the nods were announced but now, for some reason, Melissa Leo has come ahead as the likeliest choice. Which is disheartening. Oscar, if you really want to be hip, cutting-edge, and with the youth audience, why don't you actually give an award to someone youthful? I'm not suggesting Justin Bieber should win something. (God, he won't be presenting tonight, will he?) But haven't enough old ladies won? Beside, Leo should loose just because of that glittery pantsuit she has on.

8:51 - And we're back. Take it away James and Anne!

Holy shit, Kirk Douglas! You're really fucking old!

8:52 - Oh this is kind of sad. They've got a stroke case reading lame jokes off a teleprompter.

8:53 - At least they aren't having him read the names. That would be depressing.

I like Amy Adams but I don't think she's delivered an Award winning performances yet.

Mrs. Tim Burton better not win. I mean, who even gives a shit? I haven't seen the movie yet but she's, by far, the least interesting nominee tonight.

8:54 - I haven't seen "Animal Kingdom" and do not know who Jackie Weaver is. So I support her being nominated.

Does everyone in "The Fighter" talk like that?

8:55 - Steinfeld is clearly the breakout star of the year.

Take the envelope, Kirk! I know you're an icon but, seriously, open the envelope.

8:56 - A spry icon at that.

8:57 - Pfffft. Whatever. This is clearly going to be a long night full of disappointment and boredom.

8:58 - I'm happy to see Kirk is healthy enough to be on-stage. But that was still more depressing then it was funny.

8:59 - I don't have anything against Leo but Steinfeld really should have won. I mean, really she should have.

OOPS! She swore!

9:00 - This acceptance speech is setting a high standard for awkwardness tonight.

9:01 - Justin Timberlake is at the Oscars. What is the world coming to?

The first of what is sure to be many Banksy jokes.

9:02 - And iPhone humor. Cutting edge! Mila Kunis' cleavage is weird.

9:03 - Hey! I've actually seen these! That's neat!

"The Lost Thing" won! Fantastic!

9:04 - See, guys. This is how you actually do an acceptance speech. Calm, orderly, thankful, sweet.

9:05 - "All lost things everywhere." Awwww! That was actually sweet! Quick, play them off!

It's such a foregone conclusion who will win Best Animated Feature that I don't even know why they bothered nominating other films.

Also, "Tangled" really should have been nominated.

9:06 - The Academy should have just given "Toy Story 3" best picture and let someone else take home best Animated Feature. "Despicable Me" should have been nominated too.

9:07 - The Pixar guys almost always give good speech, something I've noticed. Cleverness must trickle down to everyone there.

9:09 - Here's an Oscar drinking game. Every time the music awkwardly plays somebody off or steps on someone's toes, take a shot. You'll probably have to be drinking a lot to get through this night anyway.

9:11 - Last year my prediction were spot-on. This year I've been missing almost all of them. I'm glad I'm didn't bet money on these things.

9:12 - I just realized Hathaway worn one dress on the red carpet and is now wearing a different dress.

Really, this attempt to take the audience on a digital tour of film history is pathetic. I'd prefer montages.

9:13 - Nice tuxes, guys. Very white.

I really hope "Winter's Bone" wins best adapted script. But it probably won't.

9:14 - Hey, I got one right! So, "The King's Speech"'s chance of winning Best Picture just shot up to about 100%.

9:15 - Get off the stage, Sorkin! So says the music. Take a shot!

9:16 - They should just turn the mic off once they want the person to leave the stage. Unsurprisingly, Sorkin likes to speechify.

The Guinea Pig line made me laugh.

9:17 - I really like the feature of the script lines actually appearing on-screen. Once again, I wish it was a standard DVD feature.

9:18 - Shit, really? Once again, I protest films being based on real events being nominated in the Original Screenplay category.

Where's the mic, dude? What an old British guy.

9:19 - "Quickly and often." Okay, that was funny. "I'M OLD, GODDAMNIT!"

It shall forever be known as the Melissa Leo F-Word from now on. And that was actually a good speech.

9:20 - Reflections so far: All of the dresses the actresses have been wearing have been ugly. What a weird selection of sponsors. Listerine? Coke? Because all of those scream "Oscar!"

9:21 - The show runners seem aware that the host are hopelessly unprepared for their job. So at least they got that much right. If only they knew that floating stationary images aren't entertaining or interesting.

9:22 - If Christian Bale actually wins an Oscar, I expect him to go on-stage and say, "Oh, is it good? Because it's fuckin' ruined now isn't it!" I would laugh. Besides, Melissa Leo clearly set the precedence for swearing tonight so all others must follow now.

9:23 - Anne is actually classier in that tux then she is in her dress.

9:24 - Because a song-and-dance number about how much Hugh Jackman sucks is clearly a proper way to use show time. And the show runners wonder why so many people tuned out after the half-hour mark.

Having said that, Anne does have a pretty nice voice.

9:25 - Jesus Christ, Franco is in a dress. Oh, and Charlie Sheen humor, very post-modern. This is just painful.

9:26 - Franco seems very embarrassed and not just because he's wearing a dress.

Russell Brand isn't very funny and looks like a caveman.

9:27 - I honestly can't think of what foreign language films I saw this year. I know I saw some but can't remember what they were.

9:28 - This Danish lady's skin is weird looking.

9:29 - Ha! The announcer just choked! Whoo! Reese Witherspoon looks pretty hot.

9:30 - I would be cool with Christian Bale winning but I'm just not sure it's going to happen. Also, it's very impressive that John Hawke, who was such a total badass in "Winter's Bone," actually got nominated. And to think, I was half-convinced the Academy would forget about that movie all together.

9:31 - Mark Ruffalo really didn't earn that nomination. His performance wasn't anything special. Also, I haven't seen "The Town" yet and am surprised it was nominated at all. Also, Geoffrey Rush is very old looking. His head is shaved tonight for some reason.

9:32 - And another one I got wrong. Jee-whiz I'm on a loosing streak tonight. I've always liked Christan Bale but, honestly, he should have won an Oscar for "American Psycho" before he won for anything else. Also, fierce neck-beard, Batman.

9:33 - "Where's my quacker?" I don't know what that means.

9:34 - Big "ooh" for dropping a URL. I don't know what that was all about. Bale has really well-defined cheek bones.

And, holy crap, Batman is tearing up! Batman doesn't cry!

9:37 - So do you think Banksy's really going to win best documentary? I would love to see him culture-fuck the Oscars but I'm not expecting it. The Academy knows better then to let some wacky guy in a monkey mask on-stage.

9:38 - Oh man, company presidents. Exciting!

9:39 - Riveting television here, folks.

9:40 - Annnd another dress for Anne Hathaway.

Clearly this is better then a montage.

9:41 - You know what would be a good show, Oscar? If you had some funny people come out, deliver a few brief funny lines, get the nomination and winners announced and handed out, have the songs and a few sparse musical numbers. And then, presto, in and out in two hours. Should be easy, right? You'd think that, wouldn't you?

9:42 - This is a clever way to showcase the music from the respective films and certainly a big improvement over the League of Extraordinary Dancers from last year. I will never get over how awful that was.

9:43 - Holy crap, the lead singer of Nine Inch Nails just won an Academy Award! And he got it without even having to shave first!

9:45 - I'm pretty sure most '90s NIN fans would think winning an Oscar is horribly uncool though. And they'd probably be right.

Scarlet doesn't look her best tonight.

9:46 - Gary A. Rizzo? I hope he wins just so Mr. Rizzo can walk on-stage. Is he a muppet rat?

9:47 - Yeah, Mr. Rizzo won! Looks like he isn't here tonight, which is the latest of several disappointments for me tonight. Oh, never mind, there he is. That's not a muppet rat!

9:48 - Take another shot!

I expect "Inception" to win this award as well.

9:49 - See, some time's I'm right.

It's good to know "Tron: Legacy" and "Unstoppable" are the latest in that proud tradition of random fucking movies that somehow managed to wrangle Oscar nominations in some minor category.

9:50 - A short, concise speech. I can handle that.

9:51 - Hate to say it, but this year's show has been horribly boring so far. The attempts to appeal to the youth crowd with inexperienced hosts hasn't produced the hilarious gaffs I was hoping for, just mostly boredom with a few really groan-inducing gags thrown in. And the "Digital tour through film history" hasn't been badly done, just really friggin' uninteresting. Banksy better win, just to liven the evening up some.

9:55 - Once, people couldn't believe Melissa Tomei could actually win an Oscar, thinking Jack Palance had been drinking heavily. Now, she's the classiest and nicest looking lady at the show.

Anne has some great cleavage going on right now.

Franco has worn a smug scene of distance throughout the entire show.

9:56 - Cate Blanchett is wearing a giant tea cozy.

9:57 - Yes, let's honor "The Wolfman" by showing the bad digital effects from that film instead of the practical effects that actually just won it the award.

"Legacy of Horror Monsters." Fuck yeah!

9:58 - That was a good speech. Rick Baker is probably use to being on that stage by now. Also, I'm still annoyed that "The Wolfman" didn't turn out better. With a tighter cut, that could still be a great film. Sadly, it looks like the time has passed for a superior director's cut DVD to come out.

9:59 - Not only is Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" the fifth highest grossing film in history, now it's the winner of two Academy Awards. What is everyone else seeing that I'm not?

10:00 - Wow, she's actually reading from a piece of paper. Can't say it isn't practical but, come on, you should have rehearsed, lady.

TAKE A SHOT!

10:01 - I mean, this is the Academy Awards. I would have preferred to have seen somebody stumble through a half-remembered speech then just read it from a goddamn sheet of paper.

Okay, so here's a montage anyway. Is this some attempt to connect with average folk or something?

HOLY SHIT, HEY MR. PRESIDENT!

10:02 - Hey, Academy, instead of having Kevin Spacey drunkenly wander through some old standard, why not just get right to the songs?

10:03 - I can barely hear Newman singing over that backing track.

Best Sound Mixing is a rightly earned award because clearly it's hard to do. *wags finger at Academy show runners*

10:05 - That was an abbreviated version of the song, yes? If so, FUCK YOU, Academy show runner!

10:06 - I hope the person responsible for the atrocious sound-mixing tonight gets fucking axed tomorrow.

10:08 - Wait, what? You cut those two relatively good songs short to make room for, what? More commercials? Is Gwen Paltrow going to bark through her crappy sub-Sugarland country song later in the evening? I bet she's going to get to perform her whole song, isn't she? Clearly these guys have got their priorities straight.

10:11 - What a dire evening. I'm actually beginning to miss the gaffs of last year. Thanks for further lowering my expectations, Academy!

10:12 - Did anybody else see Franco roll his eyes when he mentioned Donny Darko's name? That was actually kind of awesome! He's barely containing his contempt tonight.

Despite being clearly teleprompted, Gyllenhall's little joke there was actually pretty clever.

10:13 - Yeah, I haven't seen any of these either. But good for those people who just won, I guess.

10:14 - Yes, what a great year for... Docs? People actually refer to them like that?

10:15 - Where are all the crazy people tonight? Is Melissa Leo's F-bomb really going to be the highlight of the night? I wish I had actually seen the short films. They all look very good. I'll have to look up and see if they're online somewhere after the show.

10:16 - See, this is how you read of a piece of paper, earlier Oscar winner who read off a piece of paper. That Jew-Fro kid was pretty entertaining.

10:17 - Wait, what the fuck is this stupid fucking shit?!!! Jesus Christ, Auto-Tune the Oscars! Holy fucking Christ, aw Jesus...

10:18 - And, hey, "Twilight" references. I am literally speechless at how much of a bad idea that was. Holy fucking shit.

10:19 - Also, take a shot every time Anne gets a new dress.

This is mostly unrelated, but I really fucking hate Oprah. I can barely contain my hatred for her. She's the Devil. She's the Satan-Beast.

10:20 - Holy shit, if Banksy gets up there and punks Oprah, that would make up for the whole evening. Please, please, let that happen.

10:21 - Damn. Way to ruin a potentially interesting event, Oscar. You are so lame.

10:22 - Oh no, this shit just got political.

10:23 - TAKE A SHOT!

"A peek at the first televised Oscars?" Because we really give a shit about that.

BRB, getting more booze.

10:26 - Okay, I'm back.

10:27 - Because bringing Billy Crystal on-screen is clearly the best way to liven up the evening.

I'm being sarcastic, by the way.

10:28 - Is Billy hoarding babies in those cheeks?

Crystal is killing, too.

10:29 - Maybe it's just because the evening has been so friggin' dry, but Crystal actually IS livening up the show. And here comes a moldy retrospective to murder that momentum.

10:32 - Robert Downey Jr. is, typically, kicking loads and loads of ass. I know they asked him to host and he said no because he's too goddamn cool for that but, damn, I wish he had hosted. That would have actually been worth seeing.

10:33 - Take a shot every time "Inception" or "The Social Network" wins something? Hey, any excuse to drink tonight!

10:35 - TAKE A SHOT! WHOOOOH!

10:36 - And another one! I am okay with this!

10:38 - I don't know if it's because I'm getting increasingly drunker or because the show has actually picked up some, but the show seems to be going quicker in its latter half. Couldn't get much friggin' dryer, that's for sure.

10:40 - Okay, we're back. Hey, another dress on Hathaway! SHOT! Great cleavage, too.

10:41 - I think you can actually see Franco's soul leaving his body as he reads these hoary jokes off the teleprompter in monotone.

10:42 - Jennifer Hudson looks really weird ever since she lost all that weight. Looks like her body is barely being held together by plastic surgery and packing tape.

10:43 - "IF I RISE!" This song kind of blows and this isn't even the version with Dido singing on it. Way to outblow Dido, guys.

10:44 - Gwen Paltrow and country's latest star, two phrases that make me shiver when combined. And not an erotic shiver either.

And, hey, they fixed the sound mixing just in times for the songs I don't actually care about.

10:45 - Paltrow's voice is skipping all over the damn place. Bitch shouldn't be singing. Egads.

10:46 - Well, I didn't see that one coming. Newman winning again for what was, honestly, a subpar effort is surprising and disheartening.

10:47 - "Randy Newman chicken?" That doesn't sound very appetizing.

10:48 - Oh shit, Newman is kicking ass. Dude is awesome.

10:51 - So, Halle Berry is doing a special tribute to Lena Horne. I really hate it when they give one person's death more attention then the rest. As if to say this other person's life and accomplishments were somehow more important than the other's. That shit has got to stop. They did it last year for John Hughes, which really pissed me off since I've always considered Hughes to be highly overrated.

10:52 - The stage is dark. You know it's time for taps. Oh Christ, who invited Celine Dion? Jesus Christ, way to dishonor everyone's memory, Oscar.

10:53 - Sally Menke's death really surprised and depressed me.

10:55 - I don't think I'm ever going to get over Dennis Hopper's death. Guy was a personal hero for me and his passing is just the shittiest thing possible. The world is less cool without him. Kevin McCarthy's death is also severely bumming me out. I guess he really was next that time.

10:56 - Hey, following up that "My Heart Will Go On" slut with Halle Berry. More hate for your buck! Thanks for that ulcer, Academy!

10:59 - I know it's not going to happen, and it's not like I've been having much luck tonight, but I really wish we lived in a world were Jennifer Lawrence actually had a shot at winning Best Actress. She gave not just the best performance in her category but the best performance of the year.

11:01 - Hey, Anne's got another dress on! And apparently it's made from blue wrapping paper! SHOT!

11:02 - Hey, great way to attract attention to your stupid horse face, Hilary. With that dress, I mean. And, holy fuck, Bigelow is tall!

11:04 - ARGH! Seriously, who even fucking gives a shit about Tom Hooper? What? Why? Goddamn it, David Fincher has been robbed again. This is complete fucking bullshit. I am raging so HARD right now! This is so fucking stupid! You don't know how much I am choking on my own rage right now.

11:05 - Look at this fucking douchebag. Listen to him yammer on and on about this stupid bullshit. I can't believe they gave the award to somebody absolutely nobody cares about. What a stupid, foolhardy thing to do. Goddamn. GODDAMN!

11:06 - I am still flabbergasted at Hooper winning. What a bunch of goddamn bullshit. I am so fucking angry right now. Goddamn it, Academy, you want to be relevant and interesting? You want to get the kid's attention? How about you actually give the award to the people who actually fucking deserve it? This is such absolute nonsense.

11:08 - I mean, what has that fuckbag ever done? Jesus Christ. Fincher's films will go on to be remembered forever. He's all ready far more beloved and respected then anybody else. And you give the award to goddamn Tom Hooper? I can't even perceive the faulty logic that would lead to such a decision. What a massive miscalculation. What a complete and total mistake. I just can't get over what a hugely bad idea this was.

11:09 - You hear that Tom Hooper? I just declared JIHAD on yo' ass! WATCH OUT, BITCH!

11:10 - Anyway, in other news that doesn't give me a hate tumor, it's cool Eli Wallach won a life time achievement award. The man has earned it and I wish he could have won an actual award in competition at some point in the past.

11:12 - Franco seems as bored and contemptuous of this show as the Academy voters are of who actually deserve to win Best Director.

Anyway, here's The Dude.

11:13 - You probably don't want to listen to me, considering how wrong I've been so far, but I'm still convinced Bening is going to win.

11:15 - The only way the Academy could make up for Hooper winning is by giving Best Actress to Lawrence. That might make me consider calling off my Jihad against that two-cent asshat hack.

11:16 - The part of Michele Williams is being played by Carey Mulligan and a pound of running mascara.

11:17 - I'm really surprised Portman won, which I guess makes me odd man out. But there is always such an on-going debate about wither or not she can even actually act. "Black Swan" was a good movie and she was good in it but it's not an Oscar winning performance.

Also, she's crying. Is it possible for an actress to win an Oscar without fucking crying? Buck up, ladies.

11:19 - Portman's speech was pretty good though. This has been a lousy night for me.

11:20 - Hathaway honoring Bullock is like Barrack Obama honoring the Grand Wizard of the KKK. The discrepancy between those two talents is staggering.

11:22 - Is something going to happen at the Oscar every year to make me have a rage heart attack? Bullock winning last year, Hooper winning this year. STOP PISSING ME OFF, OSCAR! Fuck.

11:23 - First off, a Facebook joke directed towards Jesse Eisenberg is weak. His performance hardly defined a generation. Secondly, I don't appreciate you, Sandra Bullock, speaking on behalf of me and all the other nerds hunched over keyboards. Fuck you, you don't know what you're talking about.

11:24 - Look at that smug bastard, James Franco. Yeah, forget James Dean and Alan Ginsberg in favor of some dude who got his arm crushed by a rock. STOP MAKING ME HATE YOU SO MUCH, BULLOCK!

11:25 - Hey, look at that, I called one. Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

11:26 - Come on, Firth, dance! That would be exciting! Something exciting has to happen, right?

11:27 - Firth's acceptance speech is tolerable but stirs nothing in me. The entire night has been like that.

11:28 - At least Firth didn't cry.

11:29 - Also, Best Picture is coming up. Good, this night is almost over. You know, I know I've always cut the Awards a lot of slack but I am legitimately exhausted by this one. What a shit night.

11:30 - Bullock might have won for a completely excretory performance that was composed of nothing but cliches and fake spray-on tan. But it was a win we saw coming. Hooper winning is a surprise but the bad kind of surprise. Hooper winning is akin to opening the biggest box under the Christmas tree and seeing it filled with bird crap.

11:32 - Another new dress for Hathaway. SHOT!

11:33 - A massive thunderbolt just scared the shit out of me and my dog. It literally broke the entire fucking night in two. See? Even God is pissed about Hooper winning.

11:34 - So, "The King's Speech" is going to win best picture. Because this award show isn't done shitting all over my night.

11:35 - I think this storm is about to kill my TV. That would be the perfect ending to this craptactular show.

11:36 - Sigh.

11:37 - I am just so exhausted and pissed off right now, all I can do is shake my head. In the last few years, the Academy has gone out of its way to be exciting and new by actually honoring new, interesting films. This year represents a step back into the safe, boring, period drama closet. Fuck you, Oscar, for making me believe in you and then squandering all my hope.

11:38 - Taking another shot based on another person getting pushed off-screen by the music isn't making me feel any better.

Really, an amazing time, Franco? You sure didn't look amazed. Maybe amazingly BLAZED!

11:39 - Because a kid's choir is exactly what this show needs, goddamn it! I am going to drink this entire body of scotch and it's all your fault, Oscar.

11:41 - I love the eye rolling look on Franco's face as Hathway high-fived those kids. If he had actually said what he was thinking during this show, it would have been way more tolerable.

11:45 - All right, faggots, I'm calling it a night. This is by far the worse year the Oscars have had in a LONG TIME! The winners were all safe, boring, and expected at best and completely contemptible of art at worse. The hosts were bored and the skits they ecked out were train-wrecks that weren't even funny awful, just plain old awful. The attempt to take the viewers on a "Virtual tour through film history" was a total fucking snore and actually made me miss the montages. The show picked up some in it's second half but only because, I think, that meant it was halfway over. The absolutely only interesting moments were a handful of good speeches, Melissa Leo's saying fuck, and Hathaway's tits.

11:46 - Anyway, it's done. Thank God. About the only good thing I can say about this show is that next year has to be better, pretty much by default.

Thanks for reading to any of the people who might actually be reading. Better luck next year, cautious shrug?

2011 Oscar Nominations Official Report

Academy Awards? Who loves ‘em? What’s that you say? Not reflective of either the state of cinema or of the general public’s taste? It's a broken system? Who wins has more to do with hype then actual quality? The Academy Awards is a masturbatory ceremony of Hollywood bigwigs patting each other on the back?

Fuck you. That’s right, fuck all of you. I LIKE the Academy Awards. I recognize all of its flaws and when they screws up, boy howdy do they screw up. But I’m too much of an obsessive compulsive movie slut not to obsess over them. The guessing game is too much fun. The glitz, the glamor, it’s all great amusement. When compared to the Golden Globes, the Oscars still mean a lot more then cynics are willing to acknowledge.

Honestly, the saddest thing about the Oscar, more then anything else, are their desperate attempts to stay hip in the face of today’s completely ambivalent youth audience and constantly flagging ratings. This year’s hosts, Anne Hathaway and James “James Franco” Franco, were apparently chosen out of a hat completely at random. I’m eagerly looking forward to watching these two non-host hosts awkwardly stumble through a three hour ceremony. Seriously Academy, Stephen Colbert, Joel McCale or Tina Fey’s name didn’t even blip across your radar?

Anyway, the nominations have been officially announced. This year, out of the 40 films nominated in the major categories, I’ve seen 15, including 7 of the 10 best picture nods. That’s actually a pretty good margarine considering how far out of my interest the Oscars picks usually are. So enough yammering, here’s my OFFICIAL OSCAR PREDICTIONS!
BEST PICTURE:

I’m happy “Winter’s Bone” managed a best picture nomination. I suppose, with ten slots to fill, its chances were good but, considering its independent origins, lack of star power, and the Academy’s short memory-span, I was nervous it wouldn’t happen at all.

What surprised me was the lack of a nomination for “Blue Valentine.” I expected the Weinsteins to push it like a motherfucker but I guess they figured “The King’s Speech” was a safer bet. (It is.) The NC-17 sex probably scared the Academy. “The Fighter” took its slot. That movie has being getting more praise for its supporting performance then for its actual content but clearly the Academy loves an underdog story, doubly so if boxing is involved.

The race for Best Picture comes down to two movies: “The Social Network” and “The King’s Speech.” And honestly it could go either way. The Academy’s love for stodgy old costume dramas is well-documented. Once upon a time, the historical period piece was always a sure bet. However, in the last decade, they've shown a surprising willingness to go with more modern, character oriented films. Wither this has to do with quality or the aforementioned desperation, I can’t say. Both of these represent either side of that spectrum perfectly. (It would be harder to make a film more modern then one about Facebook. Unless it was about an iPhone 4’s adventures in Twittering. That would be pretty modern.) “The King’s Speech” is probably the surer bet but my gut is going with “The Social Network,” simply because not only is it clearly one of the most critically beloved films of the year, but has also been making away with best picture awards like some sort of best picture award bandit.

The rest of the noms provide little competition. Despite “Inception,” “Winter’s Bone,” and “Toy Story 3” all being the best films of the year, they won’t win. “Black Swan” is too dark and surreal. “127 Hours,” despite good reviews, doesn’t have nearly enough hype behind it. “The Kids Are All Right’ is ostensibly a comedy, so it won’t win either.

Official Prediction: “The Social Network”
BEST ACTOR:

The films battling for best picture are also battling for best actor. Colin Firth is a beloved veteran, whose non-threatening Britishness has made him a favorite. Jesse Eisenberg is a relative newcomer who, until his star-making turn as Mark Zuckerberg, was most widely regarded as “The poor man’s Michael Cera.” (If things keep going the way they are, Michael Cera might soon be the poor man’s Michael Cera…) The hype machine is pumping heavily for both. I think Eisenberg gave the better performance. However, much like high school girls, the Academy tends the favor the more experienced, better looking, older man. If Firth wins Best Actor, the chance of “The King Speech” winning the top prize increases and vice-versa.

The Academy has the rare opportunity this year of one of its hosts also being nominated in a top tier category. How James Franco translated from pop culture punch line to Oscar Nominated Thespian properly involves a pact with the devil. After years of working as a well-respected but never high-grossing performer, Jeff Bridges is suddenly in position to win two best actor statues two years in a row. (He won’t, but he is in that position.) Javier Bardem was nominated mostly to steam Julia Roberts’ eldritch wrath.

Official Prediction: Colin Firth.
BEST ACTRESS:

Natalie Portman’s nervous, fragile, tragically graceful performance in “Black Swan” is both the obvious and favored pick. However, not so fast! Annette Bening has been nominated thrice before! Always remember that seniority and legacy have just as much, if not more, to do with winning as actual talent. Portman’s talent is far more divisive, and the Academy only likes conflict they themselves are responsible for. Bening’s role as a butch lesbian nurse might not be her best performance, or even the best performance in that film, but that might not stop her from taking home gold. (It worked for Al Pacino. The legacy part, not the butch lesbian part…)

Jennifer Lawrence in “Winter’s Bone” is truly the best of the group and the best performances of the year. Her acting will be the most fondly reflected about in future years. She should win but she most likely won’t. Michele Williams’ part in “Blue Valentine” is arguably just as nervous and gracefully tragic as Portman’s. Williams also seems to be more widely liked Portman by the critical community. She’s the dark horse candidate for me.

Oh yeah, Nicole Kidman is nominated too. Seeing as how it’s not 1999, nobody cares.

Official Prediction: Annette Bening
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

I was totally off in my prediction for the Best Supporting Actor category. The only two I accurately guessed are the two most likely to win. Christian Bale’s method actor intensity has won him a lot of fans. His general intensity has turned a lot of people off too. Of all the nominated actors, he’s the one I’d least like to fight. (Even 90-pound “Machinist” Bale could probably kick my ass.) His turn in “The Fighter” is his most acclaimed part this side of Patrick Bateman. But will he win?

He might. But Geoffrey Rush, despite all ready having an Oscar, has more money and Hollywood power pumping behind him right now. If it was my decision, I would honor as many films as possible with a win. But with the Academy, if a film wins once, it’ll probably win a few more. Christian Bale has plenty of years left and will certainly be nominated again. If Firth wins, Rush will certainly win. Even if Firth doesn’t win, Rush has a higher chance of victory.

Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo, and even John Hawkes’ nomination surprised me. They are all odd choices in my opinion and I’ll be shocked if any of them get it.

Official Prediction: Geoffrey Rush
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
All of that guess work and uncertainty present in the other categories? Not here in this one. Best Supporting Actress is one of the few categories where the Academy likes to honor newcomers and first-timers. Hailee Steinfeld has all ready won it. I’ve got no doubt. That’s why the studio campaigned her for this category despite her clearly being the lead character in “True Grit.” They knew she would win here.

Melissa Leo’s Golden Globe win increases her chances some but not enough. Amy Adams and Helena Bohnam Carter’s nomination probably had more to do with needing to fill out the category. I haven’t seen “Animal Kingdom,” haven’t even heard much about it, so I can’t comment on Jacki Weaver’s talent but it’s nice that the Academy threw a smaller film a bone.

Official Prediction: Mattie Ross, one hundred percent.
BEST DIRECTOR:

I don’t even really like David Fincher. I like all of his movies. I like some of them a lot. I even like “Alien 3!” But for some reason I’ve never been as fanatically devoted to him as many of his followers are. But he should win. “The Social Network” is some of his best direction and, generally speaking, Fincher has been under-recognized by the Academy. If he doesn’t win for a blatantly mainstream, critics-courting character study such as this one, he never will.

Darren Afronofsky is in the bucket that Fincher was previously in. His films are too weird, dark, nerdy, and cult-ish to get proper Academy love. “The Wrestler” was his bold-face grab for mainstream recognition and he wasn’t even nominated for that. The Coens’ have won before but won’t win for an impersonal genre exercise, David O. Russell is probably too much of an asshole to win, and who the fuck is Tom Hopper and why am I even talking about him?
Official Prediction: Fincher. Or else a million teenage boys with a screen-name copied from “Fight Club” will firebomb the ceremony.
BEST WRITING:

Why are films based on true events covered under the Written for the Screen category? “The Fighter” and “The King’s Speech” both took direct inspiration from true events, so why are they considered originals? That’s mostly unrelated but it’s something that’s always bothered me.

“The Kids Are All Right” is considered an indie film despite having several major stars and a medium range budget. It’s the kind of small film that usually wins the writing award because the voters like to pretend they care about “independent” film. I personally hope “Inception,” because it is such a meticulously constructed and hugely ambitious screenplay, wins. “Another Year” is another odd, one-off nomination.

The Adapted Screenplay award is a little more exciting. I want “Winter’s Bone” to win and this is the category were a win is most likely for it. However, “The Social Network” has two things going for it. First off, Aaron Sorkin is a rare superstar screenwriter. Secondly, that movie is likely to dominate most of the categories it’s nominated in.

“Toy Story 3” might just take it as well. The Academy has proved in the past it favored Pixar’s writing staff. “127 Hours” is unlikely to win in any other category, so it could happen here. “True Grit” won’t win since the Coens just took the 1969 screenplay and put their names on it. (I kid because I care.)

Official Prediction: “The Kids Are All Right” and “The Social Network.”
BEST ANIMATED FILM:

What’s most remarkable about this category is what films didn’t get nominated. The Academy seems dead set against there being more then three films nominated for Best Animated Film these days, probably as part of some wide-sweeping conspiracy to keep animation down. “Tangled” and “Despicable Me” both should have grab nominations, easily.

What did get nominated was expected. “How to Train Your Dragon” was beloved animation while “The Illusionist” was the sure-fire “serious art” animation pick.

Who will win is so obvious that I’m not even going to bother to mention it. Pixar is probably adding a new wing to their building strictly to hold all their Oscars right now.

Official Prediction: “Toy Story 3.” Duh.
BEST MUSIC:
Trent Razor, of all people, might win an Oscar. His electronic score for “The Social Network” is certainly the favorite to win because it is so evocative. But it’s also an electronic score, not something the old fogies at the Academy tend to go for. (Yes, fanboys, that’s the other reason Daft Punk’s boring score for “Tron: Legacy” didn’t get one.)

All the other nominations are far more traditional. Hans Zimmer’s work on “Inception” is certainly the most recognized of any of these choices and the most likely of the secondary choices to win. None of the other scores really strike me as particularly exciting or innovative, but Oscar likes boring shit sometimes. (Most times.)

None of the best song choices are particularly inspiring. The songs in “Tangled” were all pretty great but the love ballad “I Saw the Light” was easily the weakest among them. (No love for the funny and catchy “I’ve Got a Dream?”) Despite that, it might be the best of these picks. Randy Newman has written better songs for Pixar then his subpar contribution to “Toy Story 3,” “We Belong Together.” “If I Rise” from “127 Hours” and “Coming Home” from “Country Strong” both strike me as some real office-radio disposable boring nonsense. But, as previously established, Oscar sometimes likes that stuff.

Official Prediction: “The Social Network” with a cautious nod and “Tangled” with a shrug.
MISC. NOMINATIONS:

I haven’t heard much of anything about the Best Foreign Film nominations, besides “Biutiful” being underwhelming. “Dogteeth” has some favorable buzz behind it, so it’s my choice mostly by default. The documentary choices are mostly unknown to me as well. “Waiting for ‘Superman,’” the most popular documentary of the year, wasn’t even nominated. “Restrepo” and “GasLand” are critically beloved but “Exit Through the Gift Shop” is certainly the most buzzed about.

Best Cinematography is going to be interesting. “Inception” and “True Grit” both have a big scope that will win them a lot of points, while “Black Swan” had a sweeping, personal, fantastic point-of-view. Honestly, any of them could get it.

“True Grit” seems primed to win both Costume Design and Art Design, though the British movie about the king might get the former and “Alice in Wonderland” could grab the latter. “Inception” will probably dominate both sound categories, as well as best visual effects though, once again, Tim Burton’s mediocre latest film might win.

It’s kind of cool that Rick Baker’s underrated work on “The Wolfman” got nominated and, considering the low-key nature of the other two picks, the monster movie seems the likeliest to win. Rick Baker and the Academy do have a good track record when it comes to werewolves.

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On February 27, I will once again live-blog the actual show. I had a lot of fun doing it last year even if I’m sure nobody was following along. Look for it!

2011 Film Preview

So, it’s been 2011 for almost eight days now. I guess I should probably get around to announcing the films I’m most eagerly anticipating, shouldn’t I? Since me and everybody else on the internet love making list of things, here’s my top ten list for 2011!

1. Cobalt Neural 9

Am I the only one who recognizes the Wachowski brothers’ genius these days? Out of their five films, three of them are great. (“The Matrix” sequels… Not so much. Yes, I just called “Speed Racer” great. BECAUSE IT IS!) That’s a pretty good track record for anyone. Their latest film is described as a cinema verite story about the secret homosexual love affair between an American solider and an Iraqi insurgent and the political upheaval that follows, as recalled in the far flung future. Also, something about Jesse Ventura having a third psychic eye. This is exactly the kind of project I so eagerly anticipate. Is it just crazy enough to work, or will it be a complete and total clusterfuck? Either way, it’s bound to be more interesting then anything else that comes out this year.

2. Green Lantern

I’m reluctant to place this film so highly. Despite being a DC man these days, I’m not a huge Green Lantern fan. (Aquaman is my hero of choice.) Ryan Reynolds wasn’t anybody’s first choice for the role, I think, and the trailer curbs a lot more from “Iron Man” then I’d prefer in addition to being a little too goofy. What’s really riding on this movie, more so then anything else, is the entire future of DC Comics on film. If this succeeds, The Flash, Wonder Woman, and, yes, even Aquaman will follow. If it bombs, expect nothing but Batman sequels. In other words, I don’t know if this will be good, but I sincerely hope it is, less so for the actual movie’s sake, and more for the franchise’s sake.



3. Sucker Punch

Set in the 1920s, a bunch of barely dressed Loli sluts grab katanas and machine guns, and proceed to fight dragons, robots, Nazis, and a giant samurai with a Gatling gun. I don’t know how Zack Synder got a hold of my eighth grade sketchbook but, if the trailer proves anything, I’m glad he did. My opinion of the director is mixed at best but his juvenile slo-mo obsessed style might actually benefit a born guilty pleasure like this.




4. Captain America

I love 1930s pulp heroes almost more then I love traditional superhero. Captain America always seemed like he belonged just as much to the former genre as he does the latter. Joe Johnston obviously got this job based on “The Rocketeer,” a movie dim in script that nevertheless perfectly captured the retro-serial look and feel. The fantastic production art makes it apparent that the same can be said for this one. Hopefully, the script is up to snuff…


5. A Dangerous Method

Who doesn’t love David Cronenberg? Douchebags, that’s who. His non-horror output has never endeared me to him as much as his genre offerings. But this film, a story about the rivalry between Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, seems perfectly in tune with Cronenberg’s sensibilities. The premise is interesting enough on its own, but Dave’s attachment is enough to shoot this one into the top ten for me.



6. Thor

Superhero movies are fucking everywhere this year, obviously. You can’t throw a rock around here without bumping one. Out of all of Marvel’s major properties, this is probably the trickiest one. Kenneth Branagh, as unconventional a choice for a superhero movie as Jon Favreau was, seems to have a handle on the material, if the impressive trailer is any indication. This has the potential to be the most visually striking of this summer’s blockbuster offerings.



7. Immortals

If you recall, Tarsem blew my mind a few years ago with “The Fall,” a visual smorgasbord destined to be retroactively recognized as one of the best films of the 2000s. Normally, yet another take on Greek mythology wouldn’t interest me that much, but this director’s involvement immediately promises a far more attention-grabbing approach to the material. Tarsem fits the epic scope and magical spectacle of Mount Olympis more then any other director around.


8. The Muppets

Yeah, I love the friggin’ Muppets. Of course I do. Jim Henson’s creations haven’t been in a really good movie for over ten years. The indie-comedy talent staring, writing, and directing suggest this will at least be more interesting then “Muppets from Space” was, if not funnier while also maintaining the classic muppet sense of bitter sweetness. And, hey, that list of guest stars is pretty cool too!

9. Paul

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are the best comedy duo we have, right now. “Spaced,” “Shaun of the Dead,” and “Hot Fuzz” are all modern classics. Guess what? This has an ALIEN in it! Seeing these guys take on the UFO conspiracy sub-culture sure gets my nerd juices pumping. The lack of Edgar Wright causes me to approach with some caution, as does the goofy CGI title character, but I trust these guys.



10. The Tall Man
Pascal Laugier, madman behind “Martyrs” and one of the most talented young horror directors out there, is essentially making a Slender Man movie. Not only is that a great match of director and material, it also promises to push mainstream horror into creepier, far more artistic territory. Yeah yeah, Jessica Biel is in it. Don’t kill my buzz.
Other stuff of interest (hopefully) being released this year:

The Adjustment Bureau, Adventure of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn, Beautiful Girl, The Beaver, Bernie, Born to be a Star, Burke and Hare, Cabin in the Woods, Cars 2, Conan, Cowboys and Aliens, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, Dylan Dog, F, Fantomas, Frankenweenie, Freeheld, Fright Night, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Green Hornet, Hanna, Hanukkah, Hobo with a Shotgun, The Hole, Hugo Cabret, Iron Sky, Jack and Diane, John Dies at the End, Kaboom, Killer Joe, Knights of Badassdom, Lovers of Hate, Machine Gun Preacher, Meek’s Cutoff, Now, Piranha 3DD, Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, Rango, The Raven, Real Steel, Red State, Rise of the Apes, The Rum Diary, Scream 4, Sherlock Holms 2, Source Code, Super, Super 8, Tabloid, The Thing, Tinker Tailor Solider Spy, The Troll Hunter, Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives, The Ward, Winnie the Pooh, The Woman, Woman in Black, X-Men: First Class, Your Highness

Yeah, I could’ve done write-ups for all of those but would you have read them? I mean, honestly, would you?

Here’s hoping for a great new year! MORE STUFF COMING SOON!

Zack Clopton's 2010 Movie Retrospective Part 2

So here's the second half. THE MEDIOCRE TO BAD LIST. Think of this as an expanded "Worst-of" list, in that it also includes the stuff I only sort of liked and didn't completely hate in addition to the boring and flat-out bad.

TWO AND A HALF STAR FILMS:

51. The Wolf Man
The first two Wolf sequences are excellent, furiously gory moments of gothic horror. However, a number of forced-in jump scares and the father/son subplot, especially the way that cumulates, prevent this good movie from being a great one. A superior cut obviously existed in the editing room at one point but, frustratingly, that’s not the movie we got.

52. My Soul to Take
Wes Craven brings a lot of his early nineties goofiness to this one. The plot is melodramatic and the killer’s weak, but the surprisingly relatable characters make this one far better then expected. The kills are also pretty cool. I liked this one, condor puppet and all.

53. Triangle
The looping time cycle is such an interesting premise that it allows the movie to get away with a lot, like characters making foolish decisions or inconsistent behavior from an other solid lead performance. The musical score is haunting even if the “You can’t escape fate” thematics are worn out by the end.

54. The Girl Who Played with Fire
The mystery is nowhere near as captivating as in the first film and Blomkvist continues to drag the story down. Lisbeth kicks a lot of ass, there are a number of surprisingly good fight scenes, and the story does come to a satisfying conclusion. Also, that lesbian scene is hot.

55. Pig Hunt
As a character-oriented horror flick, it’s okay. As an over-the-top homage to hicksploitation/outdoors survivalist thrillers, it’s really good, with some great meat hook and dune buggy, dirt bike action. As a killer pig movie, it’s distracting and underwhelming.

56. Predators
I like that it took time to develop its cast of characters, I like the homage-laden score, and several action scenes are really well done. But it lacks those “Hell yeah!” moments a fan boy flick like this needs. It takes forever to get rolling, its really interesting ideas (like the Pred-on-Pred war) are underdeveloped, and the CGI is embarrassingly bad.

57. Survival of the Dead
Holy shit, a George Romero zombie movie that’s actually fun! The sociological messages are still here, but they take a back seat to amusing characters, breezy pacing, and zombie related violence. It isn’t perfect but it’s good to know that Romero is taking himself less seriously these days.

58. Colin
When it focuses on its money concept, the idea of showing a zombie film from the perspective of the zombie, it’s really successful, offering a stark, new angle on a worn-out genre. When any of the subplots take center stage, the movie drags. The shaky-cam direction, way too dark night shoots, and extraneous last ten minutes further keep this one from soaring.

59. The Runaways
The story goes through all the typical rock band biopic clichés so, as usual, it’s all about the performances: Michael Shannon totally walks away with the show. Defying all expectations, Kristen Stewert is actually pretty good while Dakota Fanning is never believable for one minute.

60. Diary of a Wimpy Kid
Captures what it’s like being a loser in middle school honestly. (But without all the swearing and causal homophobia, of course.) It’s too cartoony at times and once the friendship plot takes over, the formula falls in place and the movie looses most of its spunk. If the filmmakers weren’t so committed to convention this could’ve been something special, instead of just another kid’s flick.

61. Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightening Thief
I like the idea of modernizing Greek mythology and the action/special effects/cameo laden cast are uniformly solid. But that episodic, set-piece oriented story, typical comic relief shenanigans, and weak finale makes this yet another Potter-inspired young-adult fantasy franchise non-starter.

62. Alice in Wonderland
They’ve transformed Lewis Carroll’s absurdist fairy tale into an epic action/adventure fantasy franchise-launcher. Boring. Burton shows none of his usual style and Depp’s performance is lazy. Luckily, the rest of the cast is strong and, once you settle in, the movie becomes an okay popcorn muncher.

63. The Human Centipede
Not as sick, twisted, insane, perverse, or weird as I hoped. It’s a competently made shock flick but the completely demented lead performance from Dieter Laser (Great name!) and the outrageous premise are the only outstanding aspects.

64. Chloe
Not a fan of the director, so I checked this out because of the promise of Amanda Seyfried nudity. (There’s a lot.) The first hour is nice piece of slow-burn eroticism but there’s too much contrived drama before the end and the resolution is silly. Good cast, though.

65. Puppet Master: Axis of Evil
Give Charlie Band some credit. He actually put some effort into this. It still has a really cheap look to it and there should have been way more puppet action, but the surprisingly character oriented story shows they were at least trying. I hate the cliffhanging ending though.

TWO STAR FILMS:

66. Daybreakers
A world inhabited only by vampires necessitates clever ideas. Amusing, sight-gag style conveniences are shown off. After the plot gets rolling, the movie becomes a typical horror/action flick with a muddled ending. But, in a “Twilight” world, I’ll take what I can get. At least these vampires fucking kill people. There’s a lot of blood in this movie.

67. The Crazies
This movie sure loves shooting people unexpectedly at the height of suspense. It does it four times. While being a competently directed and acted film with several strong moments, this movie failed to hold my attention or really make me care at any point in its runtime.

68. Clash of the Titans
Peruses is a kinda ineffectual hero, since someone else provides him with everything he needs. (That he’s played by Sam “Charisma Void” Worthington doesn’t help.) The pacing is off, the characters thin, and the otherwise competent direction shifts into Zack Snyder country a few times. But as a monster-filled special effects set-piece delivery system, this one fairs okay.

69. The Lovely Bones
Awesome scenes are immediately offset by awful ones. The scenes focused on generating suspense are the most successful, while clumsy narrative devices stifle the story’s forward momentum.

70. Tron: Legacy
The light-cycle scene is pretty cool and the visuals are impressive at first, but the movie quickly fades into self-serious drudgery. The clumsy story, lousy pacing, repetitive musical score, and overlong runtime sneak any awe the visual effects might generate.

71. Jonah Hex
Josh Brolin is really good as the title character. I kinda’ wish they’d make a sequel just so he could be Hex in a better movie. Megan Fox is useless, the story’s shoddy, and the movie is pretty stupid, all things considered. But it’s nowhere near as bad as I heard. It’s actually almost fun in a really simple, senseless way.

72. Devil
This supernatural locked room mystery tries to cast each character as a potential red herring, but it cheats with an obvious twist ending. The heavy-handed dialogue mentions coincidence and forgiveness a lot, lazily spelling out the themes. The cast is decent but, since this movie is all bluster and no muster, the characters are only given back stories, not personalities.

73. A Nightmare on Elm Street
Jackie Earle Haley is a sinister, pissed-off Freddy and exactly one nightmare scene is pretty clever. The rest of the movie is completely mediocre. The jump scares, bad CGI blood, total lack of atmosphere, bad make-up design, and lousy attempts to top the original don’t do nearly the amount of damage to this remake as the inconsistent, sloppy script and terrible climax.

74. Tony
I have a lot of patience for low-key, character-oriented horror movies, but this one was a little too slow even for me. While it captures the sense of isolation and social awkwardness a person like Tony would feel, you can’t really escape the fact that not a whole lot happens here and there doesn’t seem to be much of a point.

75. The Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole
Boy, Zack Synder sure loves slo-mo, even in animation! The movie works when it focuses on its group of five main characters. However, the huge cast, elaborate mythology, uninteresting story, and sluggish pacing weakens any interest the viewer might have.

76. Greenberg
Decent characterization and performances are striving to escape from the typical mumblecore quagmire of suck, what with its disinterest in plot and pacing. Even abortion is treated in a completely laid-back, lackadaisical fashion. The dog is the only likable character.

77. The Sorcerer’s Apprentice
Jay Baruchel is funny but the rest plays like a bad mix of “Harry Potter,” “National Treasure,” and “Pirates of the Caribbean.” The characters spent most of the movie spouting exposition and chasing after a MacGuffin with a silly name.

78. Robin Hood
By focusing on political conspiracies in favor of Robin and his Merry Men being a band of rich-robbing-poor-giving badasses, it removes the fun from the premise. Moreover, this is a middling attempt to launch a franchise, by leaving all the interesting, fun stuff out so they can use it in a sequel that will probably never get made.

79. Spike
A “Phantom of the Opera”-style gothic romance that is too sympathetic to the monster. His submissive, erudite tone never makes him threatening. The rest of the cast isn’t developed. The theatrical dialogue is a big problem. This is a well-made film, nicely shot especially considering a tiny budget, with the seed of a good story. I can’t say I liked it but its creative team has potential.

80. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
You know a movie’s bad when it effectively undoes most of its own plot before it’s over. Saddled with a convoluted mythology and melodramatic slow-motion obsessed direction, this can’t even provide the low expectations of a video game based summer action/adventure film. Some of the set design is pretty and Gyllenhall and Arterton have some decent chemistry.

81. Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever
It succeeds in out grossing the original in at least two scenes. But this doesn’t feel like a “Cabin Fever” sequel. There’s no cabin and the focus is on fast acting projectile vomiting instead of slowly working flesh eating diseases. The surreal humor is missing too. The great indie movie cast is really the only thing worth seeing here.

82. Repo Men
The story follows a very clear formula, the action scenes are well-done but feel out of place, the romantic subplot is anemic, and you see the twist ending coming a mile away. The movie’s all over the place tonally and can’t decide if it’s an action movie, a black comedy, a character study, or a health care satire.

83. 2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams
Much goofier, cheesier, and cheaper then the first. While part one was campy, number two is a full blown gag comedy. If taken as a slightly more polished Troma film, it fares okay. But that doesn’t really make up for how uneven, disjointed, and poorly paced this is.

ONE AND A HALF STAR FILMS:

84. The Last Airbender
The writing is abysmal, featuring lots of broad exposition, showing-not-telling, painfully stupid dialogue, and a cheating deus ex machina. The child actors are incompetent and even the good actors are dragged down by the awful writing. The special effects are pretty good. I’ve never seen the cartoon, but it wouldn’t even have to try to be better then this mess.

85. The Experiment
Oh gee, an American remake of a foreign film that strips the story of all its subtleties and nuances. In addition to being louder, stupider, and crasser then the original, it also rushes the story, barreling straight into stuff instead of going for a slow burn thrill that gets under your skin.

86. Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
For kids only. Completely simple, playing through on all the expected puns and gags. It’s never painful, just boring. It’s obvious the filmmakers knew kids were the target audience so they put nothing but the minimal amount of effort in. They barely cared and that’s painfully obvious.

87. Cop Out
Go back to Jersey, Silent Bob. It’s the only thing you do well. Tracy Morgan and Sean William Scott are extremely annoying, Bruce Willis and the story never once try, and the dialogue is aggressively bad. The score sounds like something out of an 8-bit video game. This movie sucks.

ONE STAR FILMS:

88. The Descent: Part 2
Goes out of its way not to follow the original’s lead. It focuses on jump scares over prolonged intensity. The cave looks far more like a movie set then previously. The supporting characters are either forgettable or jerkasses. The gore looks fake as hell. In the final ten minutes, the movie gets progressively more eye-rollingly asinine and insultingly stupid.

89. Animals
Nothing is ever scary when scored to techno music. Here’s a direct-to-video film that makes all the mistakes: Overreliance on voiceover, sloppy writing, incoherent direction, crappy CGI, sex positions that don’t seem even remotely possible… If you’re looking for shit, this one has it all.

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So that was 2010! So, what up this year, 2011? Well, coming immediately will be my 2011 Preview, in which I will discuss my most anticipated films of the present year. Following that, my full review of Disney's "Tangled" for my Disney Report Card will be coming soon. I'm having trouble finishing it. My Oscar Nomination report will be up as soon as the nominations are announced, which will naturally be followed by another attempt at a live-blog during the actual show in March.

Beyond that? I honestly don't know. Which Director's Report Card I post next has more to do with which ever one I finish next. I know I promised a Mario Bava Report Card back in October. Truthfully, that's just one of several different reports that might make it up first. Can't really tell there. In order to fill the spaces between, I plan on posting more Single Reviews of new films, older films, and whatever catches my fancy. What might also appear soon are more rants and essays about films and the film industry in general. I'm also considering a new project, in which I will pick a favorite actor of mine and then sit down and watch three of their films, picked at random.

Until next time, see you around!

Zack Clopton's 2010 Movie Retrospective Part 1

“Water, fire, air and dirt. Fuckin’

ZACK CLOPTON’S 2010 MOVIE RETROSPECTIVE!!!

How do they work?!”

I’m sure we’d all like to forget that 2010 happened as soon as possible. The Earth let us know how much it all hated us by decimating helpless third world countries with earthquakes, obscuring Europe in volcanic ash, raining meteorites over the Midwest and burying the east coast in snow. In return, America got its revenge on Mother Earth by flooding the Mexican Gulf with oil. (Take that, Nature!) In Washington, a bunch of assholes kept the president from getting anything done and then proceeded to blame him for not accomplishing anything. WikiLeaks and Vuvuzela confused and then irritate nearly everyone. Dennis Hopper died. It was a terrible, terrible fucking year. What an awful way to start the decade.

But before we can close the book on this unfortunate chapter forever, I must talk about something else, something more important then anything of that: Movies.

About the only thing that didn’t suck deep-fried elephant dong about this year were the movies that came out. From a filmic prospective, 2010 was actually a pretty solid year. Auteur filmmakers made their presence more known to general public, with great filmmakers continuing to add to their great reputations or building it up further. Animation also flourished this year, with Pixar, Disney, and even Dreamworks producing some of their best work in years, not to mention the notable independents that came along. Horror films were surprisingly daring. It’s not like there was a shortage of remakes or sequels but I’m thinking over ten years of independent horror making great product might have actually started to influence the mainstream studio’s way of doing stuff. Time will tell if any of this has any lasting effect but, for the time being, 2010 showed a lot of fantastic improvements and developments.

I saw 89 films this year, shattering all of my previous records. I’m like a professional movie critic now, except I don’t get paid or receive any sort of recognition from the press. It’s such a big list, that I’m actually going to be splitting this list into two parts: THE GOOD and THE MEDIOCRE TO BAD. Thus I present you with THE GOOD LIST. Enjoy. Please. I’m lonely.

FOUR STAR FILMS:

1. Inception
Chris Nolan finally combines his two aspects with this, an epic that takes place within the human mind. The writing is so goddamn good, perfectly balances SIX different storylines. Great visuals, wonderful cast, fantastic ending. It’s really, really good.

2. Toy Story 3
Another Pixar movie that makes me weep like an infant. For what’s ostensibly a kid’s flick, this handles some heady themes: growing up, preserving innocence, cynicism vs. hope, abandonment, facing death, even class struggles. That’s one of the secrets to Pixar’s success. Their movies are simple enough for kids but thematically complex enough for grown-ups.

3. Winter’s Bone
What’s really remarkable about this film is its extraordinary sense of location and its phenomenal lead performance from Jennifer Lawrence as a remarkably strong young woman. An involving, complex film-noir perfect for these economically depressed times.

4. Never Let Me Go
The premise forces the characters to face the inevitable facts of life with an immediacy you and I can’t. The way the movie filters these facts through a heartfelt love story and great characters makes for a powerful, thoughtful, sometimes depressing, moving film.

5. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World
This movie is pretty easy to love, with its infectiously fun style, lovable cast of characters, and its genuinely sweet love story. While the whole thing is filled with wacky, video game inspired fight scenes and day-glo humor, it’s actually a really strong metaphor for the emotional baggage one brings into a new relationship.

6. Shutter Island
A powerful mood piece. The mystery is captivating but also somewhat routine. What Scorsese has fun with is the massively foreboding atmosphere. The surreal nightmares are especially chilling. Several one scene performances from awesome character actors just sell it more. The ending could’ve been better but Scorsese doesn’t disappoint with this dark-as-shadows noir.

7. True Grit
An old-fashion western adventure that is surprisingly funny, filled with quiet humor, fantastic character interaction, and exciting action. Jeff Bridges is great as Rooster Cogburn but it’s really Hailee Steinfeld that gives the most impressive performance in the film.

8. Black Swan
A psychological horror film filled with mirror imagery, identity disorders played out on a viscerally literal level, surreal body horror, icky eroticism, mommy issues galore, sacrificing sanity for art, and mind-fuckery of both the subtle and melodramatic variety. Portman’s fragile-as-glass character drawls you in while the perfect writing and directing holds the boiling-over madness together.

THREE AND A HALF STAR FILMS:

9. The Last Exorcism
A movie more about beliefs and skepticism then it is about demonic possession. The documentary style drew me into the reality of the film right from the beginning, which may be why this one had such a strong effect on me. Great performances, smart writing, and a wonderful shock ending makes this one of the few stand-out horror films of the year.

10. Piranha 3D
A campy, over-the-top throwback to exploitation cheese of the eighties. This might be the most entertaining horror film of the year, with fantastic gore and creature effects, copious amounts of female nudity, and, most surprisingly, a cast of characters you actually care about.

11. Tangled
Disney continues to return to its classic style. This is a sweet love story, an exciting adventure film, an actually funny romantic comedy, a catchy musical, and a strong entry in the proud tradition of Disney fairy tales. The visuals are scrumptious and the characters are memorable.

12. Iron Man 2
At least six or seven major plotlines are running at once. The movie pauses for an hour to keep it all in order. And there’s only four action sequences. But Robert Downey Jr. and the rest of the cast are so good, it makes it all easy to watch. Despite its apparent flaws, the movie is really enjoyable thanks to a great cast, a brisk pace, a strong villain, and Scarlett Johansson in a catsuit.

13. Hot Tub Time Machine
A rauchy sex comedy about middle age regret? Yep, and it’s good, mainly because it takes time to develop its characters into interesting, layered, lovable fuck-ups. Depressing character comedy, sarcastic Cusack, day-glo eighties camp, surreal asides, and Crispin Glover screaming about rape? How could I not love this movie?

14. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
As far as murder mysteries go, this one is fairly competent, slightly overlong with a reveal that doesn’t surprise you, but a solid little thriller. But the fascinating character of Lisbeth, and the great performance from Noomi Rapace, elevates this film. If it had focused completely on her and dropped the boring journalist guy, it would’ve been really special.

15. Frozen
The character aspects of the movie aren’t one hundred percent successful but, once the movie starts rolling with its premise, it’s very successful, exploiting every meaty, “oh shit!” moment for maximum intensity. Adam Green graduates to really good director with this great “things-go-wrong” thriller.

16. Let Me In
A respectful remake, that is darker in same ways and smartly snips out unnecessary subplots. It maintains the original’s emotional core and that is solely because of the fantastic performances from Chloe Moretz and Kodi Smit-McPhee. Weak CGI, some silly vampire effects, and an inferior version of the climatic pool scene are my only complaints.

17. The Square
With each turn of the screw, the character’s situation becomes more desperate, more chilling, and the audience is dragged along, forced to watch as everything goes horribly wrong. The great lead performance, subdued musical score, and stark direction just further sell this.

18. The Exploding Girl
I’m really starting to like these indie dramas were nothing happens. They’re low-key in a way that’s life-like, not gimmicky. The quiet will-they-or-won’t-they? romance keeps you watching, drawling you into the main character’s anxious mindset, leading to a nice, bittersweet ending.

19. The Social Network
Is this a modern day “Citizen Kane” or is it about how, despite the internet making connecting to people easier, we’re all still very alone? Whatever it is, it’s captivating to watch, with fantastic performances, an eerie score, and a clever script. It doesn’t reinvent the wheel but you can’t undersell a good character study either.

20. Easy A
Emma Stone is effortlessly charming and adorable. Her winning performance, the great supporting cast, and the insanely clever script elevates this above every other high school movie from the last ten years. This is the first time I’ve ever been happy to see the lead girl run off with her beefy crush at the end instead of the put-upon nerd.

21. Buried
Does a surprisingly good job of extending its clever short film premise to feature length. The situation is milked for maximum suspense, helped along by a game Ryan Reynolds performance and some fancy direction. This is a grim thriller that keeps you guessing

22. Dread
Starts out as a slow-burn thriller that gradually transforms into full-out horror. The cast is great, the characters’ fascinating, and the story presents a legitimate interest in psychological fear. There are too many jump-scares in the first half and I prefer the original short story’s ironic ending to the downbeat one presented here.

23. How to Train Your Dragon
Dreamworks has slowly been getting away from their lame, broad comedies and instead focusing on adventure films. While the story is still formulaic, this is an exciting, visually impressive, fantasy. It could’ve work as a big live action summer blockbuster with a little retooling.

THREE STAR FILMS:

24. Splice
The performances are strong, the effects’ very good, and, up until the last twenty minutes, this is an intelligent, challenging, sci-fi flick filled with all sorts of interesting ideas. The movie really goes off the rails in the last act, becoming a standard monster movie and goes a little over the top.

25. Kick-Ass
Big Daddy and Hit Girl should have been the stars of this. They’re the most interesting characters. Otherwise, there are a few uneven spots and I question some of the director’s stylistic decisions, but the completely awesome final forty minutes really makes up for everything.

26. The Ghost Writer
The kind of conspiracy thriller that Polanski has always excelled at making. Yes, it spends more time spinning it’s wheels then it does anything else, but the twists, turns, and reveals make it worth it. The story isn’t anything new but it’s always captivating.

27. My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done?
Michael Shannon is crazy. He’s not Hollywood crazy, he’s real life crazy, completely committed to his incomprehensible, bizarre, illogical ideas and conclusions. Herzog shoots in a low-fi, naturalistic style, letting the insanity speak for itself, presenting the Lynchian wackiness in a subtle, composed manner.

28. Secret of the Kells
The gorgeous visuals, which play like Byzantine murals animated with the rich details of Walt Disney, the smoothness of anime, and the slapstick energy of Craig McCracken, enlivens this fable of Irish magic while the beautiful Celtic score adds a deep layer of spirituality.

29. Machete
Danny Trejo kicks so many asses and, as an action-exploitation film, it’s a great success. Rodreiguz packs the movie with too many subplots and certain performances aren’t very good. The rest of the cult cast has great fun and when the focus is on the cartoonish violence, I loved it.

30. Harry Brown
What “Gran Tarino” would’ve been like if it had any balls. Sure it follows the vigilante formula closely, but the movie is powered by Michael Caine’s extraordinary performance and its sense of raw energy. While the action is bloody and satisfying, it never looses sight of the tricky moral questions at hand. The riot scene near the end is unnecessary and the CGI blood too obvious.

31. Catfish
Despite being bizarrely marketed as a thriller, this is actually a fascinating character study documentary. No matter how “real” it is, this film effectively explores loneliness, obsession, romantic longing, and the malleability of identify here in the internet age.

32. Monsters
An indie-romantic-drama with an obvious illegal immigration subtext and a few giant CGI octopi thrown in doesn’t sound like a very good monster movie, but the performances are good and the leads have great chemistry together. The climatic scene is quiet and oddly touching, as is most of the movie.

33. Hatchet 2
Part two quadruples the amount of gore, adds more humor, creates a mythology around Victor Crowley, sprinkles a number of horror in-jokes throughout, provides a great supporting role for Tony Todd, and is generally a better made film. But what was with Danielle Harris’ accent?

34. The Killer Inside Me
Casey Affleck brings this whole thing together. Despite a mixed-up story and some uneven pacing, his performance as a boiling over sadistic psychopath keeps the audience invested. The muted cinematography is pretty good too.

35. Fish Tank
The British answer to “Precious,” except the melodrama is less ridiculously contrived. Katie Jarvis’ lead performance is the main reason to see this one, even if the story throws a few unexpected turns at us. This is ultimately a familiar story but it’s at least a strong retelling of that classic formula.

36. Book of Eli
I didn’t expect this movie to have as much action as it did, nor for the action to be this intense or violent. The story is pretty by-the-book (Har.) and it fizzles out at the end but the stylistic execution and an above average Denzel performance makes this a winner in my book. (And har.)

37. Ondine
A dreamy, romantic fairy tale powered by lush photography, wistful music, and a fantastic group of performances, especially from Alison Berry. The story takes a turn near the end that I’m not sure I like, but overall this is a wonderful rumination on reality vs. fantasy, faith vs. doubt, and love vs. heartache.

38. The Loved Ones
Robin McLeavy is the clingy psycho bitch of the Facebook generation. Her performance is the main highlight of this twisted torture thriller. A number of scenes are quite intense, the gore is disturbing and envelope pushing, and the other performances are good as well. The completely useless subplot could have been cut and a human body takes more damage then is plausible.

39. The Losers
It’s not like this movie does anything new or special but, damn, if it isn’t fun. It’s cast is obviously having a total ball, Chris Evans in particular, and everyone has great chemistry with each other. It’s a shame it sets itself up for a sequel that will never come, instead of sticking with being a fun Sunday afternoon rental.

40. Winnebago Man
Interview documentaries are my favorites. They don’t attempt to sum up a whole life in nineties minutes nor do they beat you with a message. Instead, it’s just like meeting and befriending somebody. Jack Rebney, “The Angriest Man in the World,” is as much a character as that title implies. His rants and spiky attitude make for a fascinating, if lightweight, character study.

41. I Love You Philip Morris
Most of the joys of this one comes from Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor’s convincing chemistry as gay lovers and the amusing ways Carrey constantly undermines and ridicules the American prison system. The sincere mood shift in the last act is justified by the hilarious and completely unexpected twist it sets up.

42. The Expendables
For such a blatant homage to eighties action cheese, I’m really disappointed that the action slips so often into incoherent shaky-cam tactics. Beyond that, there are some pretty solid action set pieces, Sly and Statham are great together, and I do like that each one of the action stars get a sequence to themselves to show off how badass they are.

43. Cornered!
A small cast, closed up in a single location, slowly picked off by a vicious killer is a classic slasher set-up. The characters actually get some pretty decent development and have a nice repour. Gore is used in clever, nastily creative ways. There’s a sense of absurd fun running under the whole thing.

44. Suck
The director’s style gets a little out-of-hand at times, but the movie gets some surprising mileage out of its great cast, a handful of awesome cameos, and some pretty hilarious dialogue. If nothing else, this one provides the ribbing the vampire genre desperately needs right now.

45. Night of the Demons
Dare I say better then the original? It combines the anything-goes tone of the sequel with the original’s dynamite premise. It has an able-bodied cast (in more sense then one), some fantastic gore, some creative demonic carnage, cool fanboy homages (including a great Linnea Quigley cameo) and a rockin’ soundtrack. (Though it’s missing the Bauhaus.)

46. The Kids Are All Right
Strong performances all around power this indie-quirk-comedy-that-isn’t. It’s more of a light drama about the pros and cons of being married for a long time. The gay and sperm donor daddy aspects take a back seat to the two mothers’ relationship, which I guess is an okay thing. Julianne Moore sure is willing to get naked and Mia Wiaskowska continues to be a talent to watch.

47. Bad Biology
Strictly for demented cinema fans only. Frank Henenlotter has made his sickest, most perverted, sexually dysfunctional film yet. A strong female lead and the director’s typical sense of humor makes this feature length freak-show more entertaining then it would be otherwise. Will either squek you out or fascinate and amuse you, depending on how much of a sick fuck you are.

48. Youth in Revolt
Successfully captures how it feels to be a horny virginal teenager as well as how it feels to fall in love for the first time. The amounting absurdities that make up the plot produce a few laughs, but the story isn’t as clever as it wants to be. But a breezy pace, anything-goes tone, and solid performances make up for that.

49. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1
There are some nice visuals and the chemistry between the three kids continues to be the heart of the series. But as someone mostly removed from the Harry Potter universe these days, a lot of this confused me. And, naturally, it’s just two-and-half hours of set-up.

50. Peacock
This quirky thriller is mostly powered by Cillian Murphey’s nervous performance. The plot goes back and forth on itself and doesn’t wrap up in a satisfactory way. But I don’t regret spending ninety minutes on it. Yes, Ellen Page does play an “escort” but, no, she doesn’t get naked.

END OF PART ONE

Halloween 2010: October 31 - HALLOWEEN

And so Halloween has come and gone again. My neighborhood doesn't get many trick-or-treaters and I'm a misanthropic social pariah who scorns party-like merry-making. So, instead of doing that stuff, on Halloween night I traveled down to the Winchester Alamo Drafthouse again, for a chance to met Count Gore de Vol. For those you don't know, the Count was the horror host in the Virginia area back in the seventies and eighties. Look him up, he's a cool guy. The day of local channel late night creature features are long gone but he continues his show on-line at his website. Read more about that below!

Anyway, on with the reviews!

10/31/10:

“Kolchak: The Night Stalker” “The Youth Killer”
What makes this episode a good one is seeing Kolchak mingling among the dating world. The premise is basically Vincenzo wants a traditional story about swingers and, while investigating it, Carl naturally stumbles onto some supernatural mystery. I wander if the writers were running out of ideas once they decided to retrofit Helen of Troy into a paranormal murderer. Once again, what ends up saving an episode with a weak premise is Kolchak typically wily reaction to a series of guest stars. An early scene with Kathleen Freeman is really funny, even if its completely extraneous. One of the most interesting things about this series is how Carl always lacked a love interest of some sort and this scene confronts that head-on. Later on, Carl milks a Greek cabbie for information about mythology. It’s a stretch, as far as story writing goes, but it’s also a funny scene, once mayonnaise becomes involved. Vincenzo trying to maintain a healthy life-style adds an especially funny subplot. The sequence of people growing older in minutes are pretty effective. The climax, which involves Kolchak going into Helen of Troy’s temple and just smashing shit, is sort of subversively funny. He then manages to outsmart the Greek gods. The epilogue is cute, with Kolchak directly addressing the audience. Again, this maybe isn’t the best story but still manages to be an entertaining episode. (7/10)

“Kolchak: The Night Stalker” “The Sentry”
I don’t know if the writers and producers of this episode realized it would be the final one of the series, but I can imagine the writers just throwing their hands up, after sorting through all the other monster ideas, just shouting “Let’s just have him fight a fucking dinosaur!” I know McGavin had mixed thoughts concerning the show, expressing his frustration over it becoming a “monster-of-the-week” show instead of a darker look into the paranormal. The fact that he acts opposite his wife in this one suggests to me that they just wanted this last episode to be a casual, easy-going event. Starting the story in media res was a smart decision and adds some excitement and tension to a some what ho-hum story. The creature design is hopelessly unconvincing, looking more like an overgrown gecko then any sort of monster. Recently deceased Tom Bosely shows up for a small supporting role. The underground setting does add some nice atmosphere, especially in the final confrontation between Carl and the monster, in a dark cave lit by only a flickering torch. The way he goes up against authority figures trying to stop his story throughout is definitive of the series’ main themes. Carl’s final-final speech about running away from unknown fears is a pretty good note to take the series out on. I guess I would have liked a more final note to end things on, but obviously this will have to do. It’s not the strongest episode, but the series did manage to pick up in quality before the end, after a slump in the middle. (6/10)

Psycho (1960)
I read Robert Bloch’s original novel this month and decided that I needed to revisit the movie in order to compare and contrast. This is a pretty straight adaptation and the changes Hitchcock made were improvements. There are two big changes. First off, Marion’s boyfriend, Sam Loomis, is very cold and distant in the novel, overly practical to the point of uncaring. Their relationship is redesigned right from the beginning of the movie as deeply passionate and physical. Also dropped is the chance of romance between Sam and Lila suggested at in the book. The other big difference, which you probably all ready know about, is the changes made to Norman Bates. A fat, balding, alcoholic, blatantly unpleasant character in the book is played by the boyishly handsome Anthony Perkins and made deliberately sympathetic, almost to the point of deconstruction. This is naturally in tune with Hitchcock’s potentially amoral plan to make the audience root for a deranged psychopath, a desire that would also crop up in “Frenzy” and in the unfinished “Kaleidoscope.” I’d say the movie is just slightly better then the book, a fine piece of pulp, because it doesn’t lay down the cards concerning Bates’ madness quite as early or as obviously.

As for the movie itself? I doubt there is any other genre film (or film in general) that has been studied, imitated, picked apart, or read into more then this one. Is “Psycho” still scary, when everything about it is common knowledge? The shower murder is still one of the greatest horror sequence ever put to the film, and is easily still unsettling. It’s such a brilliantly shot and edited moment. Arbogast’s murder is also finely constructed to be as unexpected and disorientating for the audience as it is for the character. I also love the opening credits, which feel remarkably modern even forty years after the fact. After reading the book, I love the way Marion’s internal conflict about her actions are shown on her face. It seems foolhardy to point out any flaws with “Psycho,” widely, and rightly, consider one of the best films of all time, but I think the voice-overs added throughout are unnecessary. And the heavy handed exposition of the end brings the pace to a complete stop. (Though I was startled to see Simon Oakland looking so young after watching “Kolchak” all month.) Maybe “Psycho” can’t shock the way it did originally, but you’ll be hard pressed to find a better made movie. (9/10)

Every Other Day is Halloween (2010)
So it’s true. Meeting the director and stars of a movie does directly affect your opinion of a movie. “Every Other Day is Halloween” is a pretty solid documentary about the career of Dick Dyszel, better known to DC area kids of the seventies and eighties as Count Gore de Vol and/or Captain 20. All of that was before my time, naturally, but I have been a fan of the Count’s online show for a while. The movie is fascinating and entertaining as long as it focuses on Mr. Dyszel, a naturally charismatic figure even to this day. Later on, it shifts focus to other member of the internet Horror Host Underground, and the movie begins to drag a bit. I would have liked to have seen more footage of Count Gore handing candy out on Halloween night or filming his show in his basement. I hope there’s more of that candid footage on the DVD.

But, you know what? You feel like a real jerk for criticizing a film after talking to the people who made it, especially when those people are really really nice. After a screening of the film at my local Alamo Drafthouse, I ended up chatting with the Count, director Curtis Prather, and fellow horror host Karlos Borloff in the lobby for about a half hour. These are really some of the friendliest, amicably chatty people I’ve ever met. We talked about the artistic and business side of film making, the perils of independent short making, recent zombie movie “Colin,” and all sorts of stuff. Mr. Prather also runs the Spooky Movie Festival in DC, and invited me to participate in next year’s festival. (I hope to be there.) It was a fantastically fun evening. Dick, or The Count I suppose, was really willing to talk about anything and offered a wealth of advice. I got a signed poster, a signed DVD of the movie, and Mr. Borloff also gave me a free DVD of his show “Monster Madhouse,” which I have not watched yet but the footage I saw in the movie made it look like great fun. I was just overwhelmed at how nice these folks were and what a wonderfully fun time I had this evening.

So, if you get a chance to see “Every Other Day is Halloween,” please give it a look. Absolutely see it if you remember watching Count Gore de Vol’s show or if you even have a passing interest in the horror host world.

The Mothman Prophecies (2002)
This was probably the first “grown-up” movie I ever saw in the theater. The year this came out I was obsessed with the Mothman phenomenon, as it was my local monster and I was naturally as monster crazy as any other fourteen year old boy. (The cool ones, anyway.) I had poured over the book again and again before watching the movie and was a pretty big John Keel fan. Anyway, I was disappointed at the film at the time because it wasn’t slavishly faithful to the book. (I was one of those kids.) At the time, I remember finding a number of sequences in the films effective but that the movie didn’t really work as a whole. That opinion stands for the most part. The director ends up padding a lot of the film with odd stylistic decisions. The pace is very dreary, slow-paced and introspective. It’s not really about the Mothman. It’s not even really about Indrid Cold or the contactees. Instead, it’s got some big questions about fate and faith. More then anything else, this is the story of a man getting over the death of his wife. Not exactly the paranormal expose I was hoping for at the time, but the movie is to be admired for sticking to its guns. The movie does have some fabulously creepy moments, like just about any of John and Indrid’s phone calls. Richard Gere’s performance is kind of a mixed bag but Laura Linney’s excellent supporting turn makes up for it. The monologue about her dream is one of the highlights of the film. The other highlights is, naturally, the climatic collapse of the Silver Bridge. It’s an intense, extremely well made sequence. These two scenes lift the whole film up. Adapting a nonfiction book into a fictional film must be a strange process and it’s probably because of that, that the movie has something of an episodic feel. Ultimately, I don’t know how I feel about them altering John’s story so drastically. Still, this is an easy recommendation. (7/10)

Waxwork (1988)
Is this movie any good? I ask this question because I legitimately like this movie. This is strictly because of nostalgia. I saw this around thirteen and, as a monster-nuts modern teenager, I liked it a lot. It’s a monster mash taken up to eleven, featuring just about every type of monster you’d want. It’s got that and it’s got plenty of gore, some sleazy sexual content, and plenty of good nature stupidity. This really does feel like it was scripted from the ramblings of a twelve year old. The plot is convoluted and barely makes sense. The lead character is an abrasive, selfish asshole. The teenagers in this movie dress like it’s the fifties and act like rejects from eighties sitcoms. It plays like the mostly unfiltered brain droppings of a hyper-active twelve year old raised on monster movies and bad television. (They turn the Marquis de Sade into a pirate.) If I didn’t know for a fact that it actually existed, I’d think this movie was something one of my middle school friends made up off the top of his head. It feels that unhinged and slapped together.

It’s got all the stupidity of that age with little of the energy or spark. A vampire gets impaled on wine-bottles, there’s exactly one shot of swooping “Evil Dead” style camera movement, and a midget gets fed to a pot-slash-Audrey-II. But that’s about it as far as stupid-awesome qualities go. The only thing keeping it from being total Bleeding Skull level late eighties trash are the quality of the special effects. The monster make-up is, with a few exceptions, quite good. The Werewolf and the Mummy get two major sequences and both of them look really cool. Also, David Warner hamming it up as the bad guy adds another layer of fun. The Indestructible John Rhys-Davis shows up to for exactly one scene.

But the movie isn’t charming like a lot of other films from the same era. There’s a weird mean-streak of casual misogyny running under the whole thing and it features the worse Dracula this side of Al Adamson. Anthony Hickox is part hack, part mediocre schlock slinger, with an obvious fanboy love of the genre fighting to get out of him somewhere. Ultimately, the final sequence, in which just about every monster you’d ever care about get plucked down into one room to fight it out with a group of pitchfork, torch wielding monster fighters, makes the whole damn mess of the movie worth seeing, if just because, yes, it is awesome, in the same way the stories and games my friends and I cooked up when we were twelve were awesome. Is this movie any good? No, not really. Do I like it anyway? Kind of. (7/10)

So that was my Halloween experience this year. I'd say it was a major improvement over last. I had more fun this past weekend then I think I've had during the entire month of October in years. I watched 77 movies and 22 television episodes. My main goals for this month were to watch all of "Kolchak" and finish the George Romero report card, both of which I accomplished. I'd say this Halloween was a success in every way.

I'll see you guys again soon, with my next report card. But as for everyone else, see you again next year! Hope it's even better then this one!