Series Report Card: Disney Animated Features (1951-1959)

13. Alice in Wonderland
Decent, but not great. You’d think with a story like this, the animators would go crazy, but I get the feelings that they were restrained. Still, there are plenty of memorable sequences throughout and Wonderland is a pretty entertaining place.

The film doesn’t have much of a story, admittedly. It’s just Alice running into different characters without out any real flow. The film completely burns out in the middle and the final act didn’t really hold my attention. The music isn’t all that good and only a couple of the songs stick. (“I’m Late,” The Unbirthday Song” and “Painting the Roses Red” being it.)

“The Walrus and the Carpenter” segment is near perfect, however. It’s interesting to see characters like the Cheshire Cat and The Caterpillar brought to life, but I’ve never revisited this one as much as some others. Ultimately, I feel it’ll take a more experimental mind to faithfully bring Lewis Carol’s vision to the big screen. [Grade: B-]

14. Peter Pan
Another favorite from childhood that holds up. Very little about this movie doesn’t work. It has the elements of a fun swashbuckler as well as a beautifully realized fantasy and surprisingly, it retains most of the psychological subtext of the original play.

Continuing the trend of Disney films at the time, all the characters are likable and surprisingly well-round. Wendy and Tinkerbell are far more resourceful then past Disney heroines and Captain Hook is a great villain, despite succumbing to wacky slapstick antics. The film is plotted far better then you’d expect, with a tight structure and even a little suspense, especially during the capture of Tiger-Lily.

While the music hasn’t gone onto become as iconic as other Disney tunes, I like it a lot, especially the score which, with its use of the pan flute and other airy instruments, is a bit of a departure for Disney. The Indians might bother some overly PC people now a days and not all the slapstick is successful, but this is still one of my favorites from Disney’s second golden period. [Grade: A]

15. Lady and the Tramp
The first in Disney’s “Pets in Peril” films, a theme they would revisit at least four more times. Considering some of the high stakes of those later films, this one is fairly reserved, which is ultimately its strength. The simplicity of the tale has allowed it to hold up pretty well over time. The romantic aspects of the story are handled well. There aren’t any “love at first sight” moments, it’s a realistic relationship that builds over time. Weird that they would get that right with two dogs. (Another weird moment is when the two dogs wake up together after having spent the night together. Gee, Disney, that was a little subversive, don’t you think?)

The animation isn’t spectacular but is nice and smooth and helped along by playful character designs. The musical numbers are also worth-while, with “Bella Notte” and “He’s a Tramp” being the stand-outs. The Aunt character is really more of a bitch then is necessary and is more annoying then menacing. And, hey, nice job putting a baby in peril there at the end. I keep telling you guys, Disney was up to some shit back in the day. Ultimately, how emotionally involving the film is what makes it endure. [Grade: B+]


16. Sleeping Beauty
The first thing I notice about this film is how brilliantly colorful it is. The bright colors and generally excellent quality of the animation as a whole provides this with a strong energy that carries the whole movie. This also a bit of a departure for Disney in that it comes off feeling more like a fantasy epic then a typical Disney film. This is due to the tone, which is slightly more serious then past efforts, and the scope, which is considerably larger then the other features. Basically, just on a visual level, I highly enjoyed this film.

Luckily, it works on other levels too. While the title character, Princess Aurora, and Prince Philip get top billing, it’s really the four different fairies that drive the plot. The three good fairies are a good example of Disney character with distinct personalities that play off each other very nicely. They are also the characters that save everybody’s asses over and over again and get very little thanks for it. Then there’s the fourth fairy, Malifcent, the bad guy. Truly one of Disney’s best villains. Imposing, powerful, and ruthless, she sums up the classical fantasy villain archetype perfectly. The music takes a back seat to the animation here, though the score is quite pretty and much more sweeping then you’d expect. It’s very different from the Disney Animated Features that came before and after, but certainly one of the studios’ greatest achievements. [Grade: A]

Series Report Card: Disney Animated Features (1947-1950)

9. Fun and Fancy Free
Another package film. Oh, well. Jiminy Cricket is horribly underused in the wrap-around segments. The "Bongo the Bear" segment has some nice animation and a couple cute moments, though the Dinah Shore musical numbers really aren’t my thing.

I’ve never been a fan of Mickey Mouse, so "Mickey and the Beanstalk" does absolutely nothing for me. It doesn’t make enough changes to the familiar tale to be interesting and I found the mongoloid giant to be an annoying character. Edgar Bergen narrates the Beanstalk segment and Charlie McCarthy’s snide remarks are easily the most amusing part of the film. As a whole, it’s not bad, but not really all that good either, and is forgettable more then anything else. [Grade: C]

10. Melody Time
The general reoccurring theme I’ve discovered with this Disney package films is that most of them are forgettable. This film doesn’t really do anything to change that trend. "The Flight of the Bumblebee" sequence is definitely the best part. I dig the jazzy variation on the classical tune and the animation is playful and colorful. "The Samba" is a sort of sequel to “The Three Caballeros” as it features some characters from that film but lacks the energy that maintain that feature.

The "Johnny Appleseed" bit has some catchy songs but is notable for nothing else. Disney's take on "Pasco Bill" is introduced and told by Roy Rogers and Trigger but the skit itself is filled with old-school Disney style slapstick so, you know, it’s boring. The "Wintertime," "Little Toot," and "Trees" segment are all also summed pretty well by “boring.” The latter I can’t even watch without thinking of the Muppet Show. So boredom is the name of the game with “Melody Time.” Only one more left to go before things get interesting again. [Grade: C]

11. The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad
As the last of the WWII era package film, this stands as the best of the series. There are only two stories being told which works better then a collection of shorter segments that are vaguely connected. The best part is that both segments stand very well on their own.

“Wind in the Willows” works mostly because of its character. They all have very distinct personalities and watching them play off each other is great fun. There’s only one song in this segment, “Merrily on Our Way to Nowhere,” and it is a catchy, memorable tune. There’s some physical comedy but, amazingly, it’s actually funny. In all honesty, “Wind in the Willows” probably could have sustained a feature film but I guess this short will do for now.

Though I like the first one, the “Sleepy Hollow” segment is definitely superior. The whole thing is narrated/voiced/sang by Bing Crosby. This leads to three memorable songs though I think having an actual voice cast would have improved things. There are some funny antics throughout and it maintains everything that was good about the original story. Of course, it’s Icabod’s stroll through the hollow and the chase with the Headless Horseman that follows that everyone remembers. That’s because it’s frikin’ awesome. It effectively combines laughs and chills and rates right up there with “Night on Bald Mountian” as the spookiest thing Disney has ever done. The whole film is worth owning just for those last ten minutes. My only problem with this sketch is that I have difficulty buying somebody that looks like Icabod Crane as a lady’s man, even with Bing Crosby’s singing voice. If all of the collection films featured stories as strong as these two, I would have a much higher opinion of them over all. [Grade: B]


12. Cinderella
Ah, linear story telling. How I've missed you. Probably the best thing about this one is how relatable the title character is. Though Cinderella is about as assertive as the rest of the classic Disney princesses (that is to say, not at all.) she isn’t bland. Unlike Snow White or Princess Aurora, you actually find yourself kind of liking her. Maybe it’s because her situation is just so sad. The Stepmother and Ugly Stepsisters are pretty much the text book definition of evil bitches. Cinderella is portrayed as such a charming character and everybody treats her so badly, you can’t help but want her to succeed. The cute animal antics are a bit too typically Disney, but I found the rogue like quality of the mice endearing.

The music is good and many of the songs have gone on to become standards, with "Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo" and "Cinderell-y" being the stand out tracks. The animation is also up to snuff with Disney standards at the time, so it won't blow you away, but is still solid work by everyone involved. After those years of package films, "Cinderella" comes off as a breath of fresh air, even if just tells a common tale in a fairly standard way. There's something to be said for fairy tales, after all. [Grade: B]

Series Report Card: Disney Animated Features (1942-1946)

5. Bambi
The first thing you notice about “Bambi” is how visually beautiful it is. This is definitely a step-up from the bland backgrounds of “Dumbo.” Here you get rich, detailed, picturesque forest surroundings. The character designs are also very memorable and well-done.

The next most starling characteristic of the film is just how dark it is. Though there are plenty of cute animal antics throughout, this film certainly doesn’t back away from mature themes. The death of Bambi’s mom is infamous for how many children it’s traumatized over the years and the scenes remain heartbreaking to this day. Then there’s the scene were Bambi must fend off his girl from another suitor, which contains a not too subtle allusion of sexual assault. The fight that follows is very visually dynamic as well. And the final scenes were man invades the forest with fire and dogs are harrowing and very effective.

Of course, this is Disney, so it all turns out okay in the end, but still the fact that the film is not only willing to go there but does so in dramatic and well done ways is surprising and, frankly, gutsy. [Grade: A]

6. Saludos Amigos
The film is utterly and completely forgettable. For whatever reason, old school Disney slapstick antics does nothing for me and that comprises a good section of this film. Perhaps the schadenfreude quality of live action slapstick is completely lost in a cartoon. The documentary segments are mostly boring and I found the narrator irritating. Fortunately, it’s also very short, only 48 minutes long.

The Pedro the Airplane segment is kind of cute, though it really doesn’t have much to do with the subject matter. The final segment features some interesting animation and the music in this film is at least different from the dull tunes that accompanied most of the films from this era. For the most part, however, being a Disney completest is really the only reason to own this one. [Grade: D]

7. The Three Caballeros
I remember disliking this film immensely as a child. Watching it again, now knowing it was a sequel to the mediocre beyond words “Saludos Amigo,” my expectations were not high. However, I was pleasantly surprised. First off, it feels less like a package film then the last one. The Pablo the Penguin segment is really the only stand-alone bit and everything else sort of flows into each other in a weird way. The aforementioned Penguin segment is cute and funny and features the ever likable Sterling Holloway.

This film is really a major improvement over its predecessor in just about every way. The animation is more colorful and you even get a little bit of “Fantasia” style experimentation. The music is far better too, with the title song being particularly catchy. There is some documentary bits thrown in but they come off far more interesting this time. As does the slapstick comedy, which feels less like harmless Disney stuff and more like the anarchic Looney Tunes/Chuck Jones productions and is, naturally, funnier.

The film’s energy does burn out before it’s over with the last twenty minutes feeling a lot longer then they should. And the part were an animated Donald Duck chases after live action young girls in bathing suits comes off as just a little creepy. Still, this is far better then I remember. [Grade: B-]


8. Make Mine Music
Yawn. Here we go again, guys. “Make Mine Music” is remembered, when its remembered at all, which isn’t often, for featuring “Peter and the Wolf” and “The Whale Who Wanted to Sing at the Met.” Both sequences easily stand as the high points of the film. The former might have its origins as a “Fantasia” bit due to its classical soundtrack. Sterling Holloway is along to explain things and makes the segment go down easily. The wolf actually being intimidating is another strong point. “The Whale” is well regarded for its nice animation. Its quick pacing and snippets of opera music make for smooth sailing. At least, until that downbeat ending which is certainly surprising. “After Your Gone” is another notable segment, its jazzy, energetic, creative, and short.

The rest is dire, to say the least. “Blue Bayou” and “Two Silhouettes” are both sleep inducing, especially the last one which might as well have been called “Roto-scope-mania!” “All the Cats Join In” has its moments and features some unanticipated almost-nudity. “Casey at the Bat” has some creepy physical comedy. With the way it anthromorphizes hats, of all things, “Johnny Fedora and Alice Bluebonnet” comes off as slightly odd, though the Andrew Sisters keep things going. (God, is that what pop music was like in the forties?) A segment about the Hatfields and McCoys is cutted from the home video release, for some unforeseeable reason. Okay, that’s done. Let’s continue. [Grade: C]

Series Report Card: Disney Animated Features (1937-1941)

Like a lot of children, I grew up suckling at the teat of Disney cartoons. Unlike a lot of children, it fostered a deep love of animation in me that continues to this day. Proving I don't care how uncool I look, I'm going to start on my biggest project to date, a series report card for all 47 official Disney Animated Features. This was by far the easiest report card to prepare for. I didn't have to do any hunting or renting since, to my surprise, I already own all the movies, the majority on VHS. (Yea!) Anyway, on with the show:

1. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
The one that started it all. Its biggest flaw is probably the fact that Snow White just doesn’t do enough to be a really interesting character. All the other characters drive the plot of the movie. Snow White basically hangs out, runs away, cleans, cooks, gets killed, and runs off with Prince Charming. (Another character who does nothing for the plot.) I’ve always thought the dwarfs deserved more screen time. It’s fun to watch the distinct personalities play off each other.Though it still has that trademark sugary sweet feeling too much of it, there’s still enough darkness here to keep it interesting. The animation is great and holds up well after all those years. How experimental some of the early Disney features are always surprises me. Snow’s nightmarish run through the woods surely freaked out its fair share of kid’s over the years and the Queen’s transformation into the old witch is terrific.

The music could be better but is still fairly memorable, especially “High Ho” and “The Silly Song.” It’ll never be my favorite Disney film, but you’ve got to give credit where credit is due. [Grade: B+]

2. Pinocchio
This is the first really great Disney animated feature. It starts off a little slow, but the whole second half of the movie is really excellent. Pleasure Island, the walk at the bottom of the ocean, and the whole Monstro the Whale sequence are all unforgettable, iconic moments in cinema history, not just animation history.

Another thing that’s admirable about this early effort, is it isn’t afraid of being scary. The jackass conclusion to the Pleasure Island act actually nudges up against being genuinely disturbing, and is certainly so when your five years old. And the main thrusting point of the story is, least we forget, an innocent being manipulated and abused by a cruel world. Eventually, poor little Pinocchio is chewed up and spit out, somewhat literally. Of course, we get a happy ending but I think, after all that, the movie earns it.The quality of the animation has improved since “Snow White.” There is generally just more detail in everything here. The music has been greatly improved too and just about every song sticks out. “When You Wish Upon a Star” and “No Strings on Me” are rightfully classic sequences. The relationship between Gepeddo and Pinocchio is genuinely heart-warming and Jiminy Cricket is a character that could have been easily annoying but comes off likable. The biggest problem is probably just how stupid Pinocchio is, but his head is made of wood, so I suppose I should cut the kid some slack. “Pinocchio” is pretty damn awesome, I think, the first legitimate masterpiece to come out of the Disney cannon. [Grade: A]

3. Fantasia
This film gets some smack from snobs for pairing classical music with images often considered goofy or undeserving. One segment aside, I almost completely disagree with that. This is certainly Disney’s most experimental film yet as the opening abstract images set to Bach certainly makes clear. The Nutcracker Suite section is surprisingly good considering it’s a bunch of dancing fairies, flowers, mushrooms, fishs, etc. I think it’s the perfect melding of sound and imagery.

I’ve never been a big Mickey Mouse fan but “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” is still full of great images, like Mickey conjuring up the fireworks and the brooms returning to life and multiplying. The first broom being splintered to pieces in silhouette has stuck with me my whole life for a reason. As a child, I adored “The Rites of Springs” because of the dinosaurs and it holds up extremely well today. And it’s also another example of early Disney not cutting any corners when it comes to realism, for the most part. It’s the bleakest hour of the early years, by far.Beethoven’s Sixth is the weakest of the vignettes as the images are just too sugary cute for their own good and come off as coying. And the whole centaur courting ritual comes off as just a wee bit creepy. Honestly, not even the surprisingly audacious early Disney team would be willing to explore the debauch depth of Greek mythology, so perhaps the cute-y direction was inevitable. “Dance of the Hours” is goofy but also quite funny and another good combination of music and picture. Because, hey, who doesn’t love hippos in tutus?

And of course, everyone remembers “Night On Bald Mountain/Ave Maria,” the segment I never watched as a child because it frightened me. The swirling images are hypnotic and foreboding. As the giant demon on the mountain appears and the solemn, deep tones of the music kick in, a sense of dread actually creeps into the proceeding. It depresses me to know that Disney would never produce something this daring or creepy today. Basically, “Fantasia” is an unforgettable experience, a definite example of animation as art. [Grade: A]


4. Dumbo
After the visual playfulness and intensity of “Pinocchio” and “Fantasia,” “Dumbo” is a serious disappointment. The animation is good but not up to quality with previous films and many of the characters designs are sadly lacking in detail. The central story is nice, with the scenes between Dumbo and his mother being particularly touching, but it’s just not all that captivating. Timothy the Mouse is basically just a revamp of Jiminy Cricket.

The slapstick comedy antics that take up most of the film do not hold up at all today. For a fact, that’s my main problem with the movie. Watching the elephants fumble and bumble around each other, especially when you know there is absolutely no risk or chance of anything really going wrong, is boring. The ending is a total non-ending as much isn’t resolved and is further example of the loose storytelling at work here. Dumbo’s slapstick revenge against his teasers just doesn’t have any dramatic snap to it and that the movie pretty much just ends afterward left me asking, “What? You mean that’s it?”The music is repetitive and overly relied on. “Pink Elephants on Parade” and “When I See an Elephant Fly” are the only songs that stick out. For a fact, the “Pink Elephants” sequence is the only time the film even comes close to the rich creativity of the studio’s past features. The scene is a strange, borderline psychedelic dance number that plays like an out-take from “Fantasia.”

It’s easily the best part of a fairly mediocre feature. “Dumbo” provided the studio with the hit it needed after the hugely expensive “Fantasia” failed to resonate with the public. It was a retreat to safety after an artistic high period. And it worked. Oh well. These things happened. [Grade: C]

Zack Clopton's 2008 Movie Retrospective

“I can see Russia from my house! I can also see…”

ZACK CLOPTON’S 2008 MOVIE RETROSPECTIVE!!!

Greetings, boys and ghouls! 2008 was a surprising and important year, one that will go down in the history books as the moment America stood up and asked for change. It’s time to look back at the most important thing that happen in the past twelve months: The movies I saw!

I saw a fucking heaping load of them, 74 in total. I don’t know how many real movie critics see but, if I’m not in the ball park yet, I’m certainly sneaking into the cheap seats. I considered only featuring the notable titles but, eh, I had already written each mini-review. Those of you who don’t want to drudge through all of them can leave when ever you want.

But first… Taps.

Usually I reserve this section for some cute note about a pop culture artifact that is now no more. But, seriously, 2008 was a terrible year for celebrity deaths. A gratuitous number of interesting people passed away. And I’m blaming it all on Heath Ledger. He set the precedent back in January and everybody spent the rest of the year trying to top him. Two personal heroes of mine, Stan Winston and George Carlin, passed this year and I’m still a little pissed about it. The deaths of Forrest J. Ackerman, Rudy Ray Moore, Isaac Hayes, Charlton Heston, Eartha Kitt, Bettie Page, Levi Stubbs, Julius “Sho’Nuff” Carrey III, Don “Big Booming Voice Guy” LaFontaine, Estelle Getty, Bo Diddley, John Philip Law, Roy Scheider, and Brad Renfro all guarantee the universe is a lot less cooler now then it once was. And yet, Mickey Rooney continues to exist. The world is not a fair place.

Now that you’re all depressed, let’s have a short review!

2008 was a pretty badass year, truth be told. It was a little slow to start but we had a kickass summer movie season and there was plenty of interesting indie flicks sprinkled throughout. Oscar season has been good to us, thus far, as well. Though the mainstream horror scene was a little dull (Another “Saw” sequel?), fans willing to look would find many great, smaller titles. Maybe I’m just so happy with this year’s output because I pretty much saw everything I wanted to see. (Except for “Synecdoche, New York.” Damn you, “Synecdoche, New York!”)

Anyway, enough of that. Let’s get to the meat n’ potatoes, the main course, the main event, the headliner, the star, the body, THE LIST! Tremble before its girth. All spelling errors are intentional.

FOUR STAR FILMS:

1. The Fall
The tremendous visuals alone would be enough for me to recommend it to everyone. But the greatness doesn’t stop there. The story has a hundred different layers, you’ll be weeping by the end, and the cast is wonderful. With this one, Tarsem has come into his own as one of the great directors of our time.

2. WALL-E
Who knew a romance between two robots could be so touching? In addition to being a sweet love story, “WALL-E” is also visually gorgeous, often hysterical, and contains a topical story with a valuable message for all Earthlings. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll fall in love with robots all over again.

3. Iron Man
My biggest disappointment is that most of the “Hell yeah!” moments were shown off in the trailer. Still, this is a well-written, well-acted superhero movie that is lots of fun, incredibly cool, and still has some relevant issues on its mind. This is what popcorn movies are supposes to be.

4. Let the Right One In
A touching and bittersweet coming-of-age story about two young people learning about friendship, love, and violence. Also, she’s a vampire. The horror elements, though handled extremely well, are used more to underline the themes of loneliness, the cold, and how our greatest strengths are tied directly to our inner darkness.

5. Teeth
The brilliant premise by itself, which is either hilarious or disturbing depending on viewpoint (or gender), makes this worth seeing. Add a great lead performance from Jess Weixler and some cleaver writing/directing and you’ve got an awesome, sure-fire cult classic.

6. Doomsday
Neil Marshell’s direction is still choppy but you can’t fault his script any. “Doomsday” squeezes in as much badass as possible. Kick-ass babes, awesome car crashes, dystopian cities, cannibals, plagues, castles, death matches, gimps, scary punk rockers, lots of splattery gore, and more.

7. The Strangers
Everything about this movie; the minimalist music, the moody direction, the slow pacing, is designed to make you as anxious as possible. Convincing lead performances keep things grounded while the great shocker ending cements this as a truly scary horror film.

8. Rambo
The most intense action movie I've seen in years. The last twenty minutes are nothing but wall to wall carnage. Despite Sly being old as hell and looking like horse meat, he can still deliver a flick that hauls serious ass.

THREE AND A HALF STAR FILMS:

9. The Midnight Meat Train
Kitamura masters the look every horror film’s gone after since “Seven.” The reflective silver, the putrid greens, the oozing black blood… His direction is amazingly stylish, Clive Barker’s original story is one of his best, and Vinnie Jones’ Mr. Mahogany will soon be a horror icon.

10. Speed Racer
Crazy awesome. The Wachowskis haven’t adapted a cartoon, they’ve made a cartoon that just happens to have real people in it. The races are exciting and the fight scenes are hilariously over-the-top. The cast is really good though Emile Hersch is flat. Sprittle and Chim-Chim are annoying. Still, there’s no denying it, my friends. Pancakes are love.

11. Hellboy II: The Golden Army
Might not have been the biggest movie of the summer but one thing it has over Batman are highly lovable characters. The cast could have just been sitting around and talking the whole time and it still would’ve been awesome. (And three cheers for Guillermo del Toro, patron saint of practical creature effects! Fuck you, CGI!)

12. Tropic Thunder
The world needs more out of control comedies like this one. Easily the best thing most of its cast has done in a long time and it is jammed pack with hysterical bits from beginning to end. Sure, things drag a little at the end but, generally speaking, I laughed a lot.

13. Pathology
An exceedingly twisted thriller all about murder, cadavers, kinky sex, drugs, bodily fluids, homoerotic undertones, and implied necrophilia. It is joyously demented, completely reckless, and possibly immoral. I think I’m in love.

14. Revolutionary Road
Possibly great and filled with vividly realized characters and themes. But it’s not a masterpiece. Many involved could have done better. Michael Shannon gives my favorite performance of the year as only person crazy enough to speak honestly about how fucked-up the situation is. It will rightfully make many top ten lists but I wonder how relevant it will be in a few years.

15. Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead
The musical numbers (yeah, you read that right) in the first half slow things down but once the zombie-chickens show up, things get awesomely Troma-tic with all the head crushing, penis monsters, decade old car crash footage, and general insanity you expect from the coolest film company in the world.

16. Stuck
Awesome because it will make you despise the human race even more for how self-absorbed, careless, and lacking in empathy we’ve become and then makes you laugh for the exact same reasons. There’s a commendable cast, deep script, and an extremely satisfying ending.

17. The Signal
Is technically a creepy horror film and an uproariously funny dark comedy but is actually a scholarly examination of society’s collective fears and anxieties that threaten to boil over at every minute, all the while never loosing sight of its fantastic characters.

18. The Quantum of Solace
The shaky-cam direction and complicated plot were not as bad as I feared. Truthfully, Daniel Craig and the writers continue to put more thought into James Bond and his various themes then any other team before, all the while packing in some impressively thrilling action sequences.

19. Inside
This extremely violent French horror film pushes believability, and maybe good taste, a little too far in the last act. But the rest is filled with some seriously forceful gore sequences, solid lead performances, and an atmosphere that’s almost as thick as the copious blood flow.

20. The Incredible Hulk
The Hulk still looks fake but the classy cast, intense and often action, solid pacing, and numerous fan boy moments make this not only a serious improvement over the first try but a damn fine superhero picture in general.

21. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Against all odds, this actually turned out pretty good. If it wasn’t for two moments of pure stupidity, it would be on par with parts one and two. The cast is too big but the main players all have fun. And, least we forget, we’re here to have fun.

22. Repo! The Genetic Opera
Turns out Darren Lynn Bousman can direct. More important is the awesomely eclectic cast that all sing their hearts out. The real test of any musical is if you’re still singing the songs after you leave the theater. I was still singing the songs a month later.

23. The Machine Girl
In-between the machine gun arms, chainsaw legs, drill bras, Japanese schoolgirls, ninjas, and more mayhem, gore, and dismemberment then you can shake a bloody limb at, this has got something for everyone. Even if only about 50 of the 80 or so awesome ideas work, that’s still an awful lot of awesome.

24. The Lost
Religiously faithful to Jack Ketchum’s unsettling novel, perhaps too faithful, as it drags in the middle. But the incredibly intense final act makes up for it. Chris Sivertson’s direction is some what disappointing. The cast is perfect, especially Marc Senter who makes Ray Pye the scariest on-screen psycho in years.

25. Dolphin and Whales 3D
This would be a beautifully photographed though still fairly pedestrian underwater documentary if it wasn’t for the fantastic Imax 3-D technology, which turns it into an whole-other experience.

THREE STAR FILMS:

26. Otis
A long overdue satire of hardcore horror flicks, which cast a morbidly obese loser as its serial killer and neurotic suburbanites as the avenging parents. Darkly funny throughout with a first-rate cast and a cool retro soundtrack.

27. Bolt
For a movie about talking animals, this is surprisingly grounded in reality. Add a real sense of heart and memorable characters and you’ve got the first really good Disney movie in quite some time.

28. Diary of the Dead
George Romero is back. And he’s pissed off! At the bloggers and YouTubers who prefer watching to acting. Definitely his scariest in years and the first-person camera makes the collapse of society felt even more. Not without cool gory moments or some twisted humor either.

29. Cloverfield
The shaky-cam gimmick, which isn’t as annoying as you’d expect, actually provides this with a sense of real “you-are-there” urgency. Strong acting, characterization, and a few legitimate thrills makes this one almost worthy of the hype.

30. Rogue
The believable, life-like characters and viciously fast attack sequences makes this killer croc picture captivating despite an occasionally formulaic story and some weak CGI during the finale.

31. Wanted
Proof that crazy, over-the-top action theatrics can overcome anything, even a spotty script, shaky direction, and an overly pretty leading man. A swearing Morgan Freeman doesn’t hurt either.

32. Burn After Reading
We all expected this to be funnier, but you can’t help and smile as the Coen Brothers’ throw together another irrelevant, complicated plot that is ultimately unimportant and introduces an amusing cast of characters. The final scene with JK Simmons makes it all worth while.

33. The Bank Job
This fun little heist flick, a throw-back to ‘70s Brit gangster movies, has a lot of swagger and a typically convoluted story but it all builds up to a real satisfying conclusion.

34. Fear[s] of the Dark
The animation for this French horror anthology is very nice and the music is quite sinister. The six stories are a mixed bag. Three are quite good, two are underdeveloped, and one is flat-out boring. Intersecting the tales instead of playing them one at a time was a big mistake.

35. Be Kind Rewind
Anybody who misses the days of VHS and Ma and Pop video stores should give this a look. The lo-fi remakes of Hollywood flicks are the best part. The cast is fine, even if Jack Black’s shtick is old by now. The story’s a little cliché but overall this is a charming, bittersweet affair.

36. Red
I’m still pissed that Lucky McKee was fired halfway through this job. Still, taken on its own, this is a low-key but thoughtful adaptation of Jack Ketchum’s simplistic and powerful morality tale. The best part is Brian Cox’s pitch perfect lead performance.

37. The Ruins
Malevolent vegetation isn’t the most frightening concept but it works here, for the most part. The main attraction is the grisly, ick-inducing body horror and the superb gore effects. But the acting/directing/writing are all perfectly solid with characters you don’t completely hate either.

38. The Forbidden Kingdom
A formulaic but still satisfying popcorn muncher. The fight scenes are the main attraction, especially the Jet Li/Jackie Chan face-off. I could have done without the American teenager shoehorned into the story.

TWO AND A HALF STAR FILMS:

39. Trapped Ashes
Keep your expectations low and this cheapie horror anthology will probably entertain. Sure, only one of the four stories really hits and at least two others are full fledge duds, but the whole thing is done in such a fun, sexy spirit that it’s kinda’ hard to dislike.

40. Splinter
Good monster movies are so rare these days. “Splinter” isn’t an instant classic but the taunt script and good characters mean an “A” for effort. The creature designs seem interesting but the incoherent direction makes sure we never get a good look at them.

41. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
When Jet Li karate kicked a rocket into a trolley train, I knew I was on solid ground. The sincerely goofy cast is what always made these CGI-filled campfest fun anyway. Not as amusing as the first, less stupid then the second, despite the clumsy direction, I was entertained.

42. Postal
Uwe Boll is real proud of the “offends everyone” humor here, a lot of which is legitimately funny, but its Zach Ward and Dave Foley’s deadpan awesomeness that makes this watchable. Boll still has to learn about pacing since the energy stops dead with forty minutes left to go.

43. The Tracey Fragments
An unhappy indie that never quite comes together. (I realize that might be the point.) Ellen Page’s excellent performance provides some sort of anchoring force amidst all the chaos. The writing’s smart but inconclusive and the story’s interesting but leaves you asking what the point was.

44. Choke
This adaptation of my favorite Chuck Palahniuk book has an awesome cast and is going well until the third act, where it totally pussies out, castrates the novel’s essential mean streak, and adds an unsightly level of sentimentality that is completely wrong on many levels.

45. Penelope
The big problem here is that Christina Ricci, even with a pig nose, is still pretty cute which makes everyone’s repulsion confusing. She does give a good performance even if the movie itself is only sporadically amusing and has a worn-out “accept yourself for who you are” message.

46. Hancock
As long as our hero is a drunken misanthrope, things are pretty amusing. However, when shit gets serious towards the end, it becomes less interesting and the finale just tries too hard and wraps things up too neatly. The solid cast helps but this still isn’t one to build a franchise on.

47. Baghead
More of a self-reflective indie then a self-reflective horror film. The cast is likable enough and the script has its clever moments but there isn’t a payoff to any of it, especially to the horror elements. Also, mumblecore is a retarded name for a subgenre.

48. Run, Fat Boy, Run
Simon Pegg’s willingness to act goofy and his relatable, likable slacker act makes it hard not to root for him, even in a routine “inspirational” rom-com like this. A lesser actor and it wouldn’t be worth seeing at all.

49. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
The first “Narnia” was surprisingly good but that was before everyone was so sick of book-born fantasy franchises. There’s more action in this one, some of it diverting, and it’s not without moments. Still, it says a lot that a CGI mouse steals the show.

50. Deadly End
Despite some creative tricks in the first half, this nasty horror indie (originally entitled “Neighborhood Watch”) runs out of interesting gross-out gags before it’s over and finishes up with a slimy but dull finale. Nice try though.

TWO STAR FILMS:

51. An American Crime
When a true story is as horrifying as the Sylvia Likens case, you wouldn’t think there’d be need for embellishment. But director Tommy O’Haver saw fit to add awkward voiceovers, overdone music, and a frustrating dream sequence. The cast is strong but the material is ultimately too thin a treatment of the real events.

52. Return to Sleepaway Camp
Honestly, not as bad as I was expecting. The characters are obnoxious but at least developed and some of the kills are pretty clever. Lacks the retro-slasher feel completely and does nothing to build upon the “Sleepaway Camp” mythology.

53. Nobody Loves Alice
Lofty ambitions and an impressive array of indie acting talent aside, a sleep-inducing pace, cheesy editing, and a script that focuses on the least interesting aspect of the story makes sure that people will continue not to love Alice.

54. Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer
Should’ve been called “Jack Brooks: Disgruntled Plumber.” Everything feels underdone and overly constrained while simultaneously feeling like an amalgam of parts from better movies and the prologue to a not-necessarily more interesting bigger story.

55. Gutterballs
A bowling alley is a great setting for a slasher, especially an uber-gory, X-rated one. But annoying characters, repetitive music, uneven acting, and slight writing undoes all the profane gusto and grindhouse flare the director/writer managed to create.

56. The Spiderwick Chronicles
A competently made but unremarkable family fantasy flick. There are some cute moments and the special effects are above average but your kids are unlikely to remember this one a month later.

57. Mirrors
We saw all the gore in the trailer and the scares are projected far in advance. The only entertaining moments were when Kiefer started Jack Bauer-ing every mirror he saw. If the whole movie was just him punching stuff, it would have been way more entertaining.

58. The Dark Knight
The plot is convoluted, the pacing is awful, there’s very little action, and the writers fatally misunderstood the Joker. It’s long, depressing, and unsatisfying, but the biggest crime is that this is a summer blockbuster that is no fun. It’s escapist entertainment that forgot the escapism.

59. Death Race
Everything that was great about the original “Death Race 2000” is dropped, the plot is clichéd, and there’s a lot of the director’s trademark stupidity. Still, I didn’t completely hate it. The race sequences are actually pretty exciting and Jason Statham is a likable lead.

60. Smart People
As soon as you realize that all these depressed people are going to get a happy ending, it stops being interesting. This was much better back when it was called “The Royal Tenenbaums.” I did like the semi-incestuous relationship between the daughter and her adopted uncle.

61. Wizard of Gore
The original isn’t my favorite Hershel Gordon Lewis joint so I had no issue with a remake. Crispin’s awesome, as you’d expect, but the rest is less so. It tells a straight forward story in a needlessly complicated way and has a muddy visual style.

62. The Other Boleyn Girl
If Scarlet Johanson or Natalie Portman showed some skin during any of the numerous humping scenes, I would have liked this better. The lack of any decent characters is the main flaw and my interest waned long before the muddled conclusion.

63. Triloquist
Never as disturbing as it wants to be but is just so aggressively freakish that, at the very least, you’re never bored. Like “Mad Cowgirl” or “Lucky” before it, this is the jumbled, barely coherent thoughts of a disturbed person, which makes it deeply personal but never well-made.

64. Charlie Bartlett
Like a lot of high schoolers, this movie mistakes smarm for intelligence. The story starts out unlikely and becomes increasingly ridiculous as it goes on. The better-then-it-deserves cast wrangles some laughs out of the smartass script. And, really, what high school has a fucking student lounge anyway?

65. Frontier(s)
A French “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” with annoying shaky-cam direction and no subtlety. The extreme gore, Nazism, violence to women, and other forced unpleasantness makes the filmmaker seem like an adolescent boy obsessed with being “hardcore.”

66. The Mother of Tears
Out of all the disappointing things about this, and, believe me, there are a lot, what depressed me the most is that Dario Argento has almost completely abandoned his normal amazing style for Hollywood action tactics and cheap shock value. The gore is nice, I guess. Sigh.

67. Spiral
For an obsessive drama like this to work, we need to relate to the main character in a personal way. Joel Moore is too weird and awkward to be likable, much less relatable. Zachary Levi is an asshole and Amber Tamblyn isn’t believable. The ending is dumb. Nice soundtrack.

68. April Fool’s Day
The talented directors have tried their best to equip this lame remake with some teeth. Things pick up towards the end and there’s some celebrity gossip satire. Despite the attempt, this is still a horribly scored, often unintentionally funny bore with the production values of a Lifetime TV movie.

ONE AND A HALF STAR FILMS:

69. Feast II: Sloppy Seconds
Some of the first’s wackiness is maintained (Naked lesbian bikers! Midget wrestlers! Monster jizz!) but none of it’s energy, leading to a tiresome pace. Gulager’s still weak direction, forced attempts at shock value, and the general nihilistic tone don’t improve matters.

70. The Cottage
The flippant score lets you know this is supposes to be very “wacky” and amusing, despite the characters being the most irritating I’ve seen in a good while. By the time the murderous maniac starts to off the unlikable lot, it’s really too little, too late.

71. Funny Games
I hate Michael Haneke’s philosophies but he knows how to make you squirm. Some day he’ll make a great mainstream thriller. Until then, you have to take the thrills and his prick attitudes together. That’s not a compromise worth making. Naomi Watts does look nice in her underwear.

ONE STAR FILMS:

72. Prom Night
The original “Prom Night” isn’t all that good, but at least the people who made it cared. The only thing those responsible for this remake cared about was the dollars they could finagle from easily startled teenage girls. A blatant product with no soul.

73. Strange Wilderness
All the funny jokes are used in the first ten minutes and then the non-plot just meanders on and on while the characters annoy you. Not even Ernest Borgnine taking bong hits could save this one.

74. Day of the Dead
Ridiculous things happen in this movie. So much so that somebody along the way should have said, “Dude, this is retarded.” The zombies look stupid and act even worse, plot is routine, effects are cheap, dialogue is embarrassing... Horror remakes have officially hit their nadir. I only wish they hadn’t dragged George Romero down with them.

(I also saw two forgien films this year, the excellent "[REC]" and the pretty good "Grimm Love," that have yet to have official stateside releases, despite the former being remade as “Quarantine.” Thus their exclusion from the list.)

There you go. So, 2009, what of it? My top picks for the fore coming year are:

1. Inglourious Basterds
2. The Princess and the Frog
3. Watchmen
4. The Lovely Bones
5. Drag Me to Hell
6. Transformers II: Revenge of the Fallen
7. Whip It!
8. Untitled Todd Solondz Project
9. Star Trek
10 (tie). Crank 2: High Voltage
10 (tie). The Wolf Man

Other upcoming titles of note:
9, Alice in Wonderland, Avatar, Away We Go, Bad Biology, Books of Blood, The Box, Cabin Fever 2, Coraline, The Dead Sleep Easy, Delightful Water Universe, The Descent Part 2, Dragonball, Embodiment of Evil, Fantastic Mr. Fox, The Fluid Drips Twice, Friday the 13th, Game, Giallo, A Gothic Tale, Go Go Tales, H2, The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, Jennifer’s Body, Micmacs à tire-larigot, My Bloody Valentine 3-D, Nailed, Ninja Assassin, …Of the Dead, Ponya on the Cliff, Poughkeepsie Tapes, Public Enemies, The Road, A Serious Man, Sherlock Holmes, Shutter Island, Splice. Terminator Salvation, Tetro, Trick r’ Treat, Up, Where the Wild Things Are, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and Youth in Revolt

Goddamn, I need a life. Anyway, kids, that’s that. See you again soon. And always, thanks for reading.

The Horrors of Mall Horror

(So here's a random article. I wrote this for www.horroryearbook.com, which kicks the crap out of and then teabags all the other horror news website, a while back. You can find it there if you feel like slogging through their back issues. That was suppose to become a reoccurring gig but I couldn't think of a good follow-up so it never happened. Anyway, here I analyze and bitch about a really shitty current horror sub-genre, which, sadly, doesn't seem like it'll go away anytime soon.)

Mall horror is a thorn in the side of many an experienced horror fan. The label applies to films that span any number of fright sub-genres. However, there’s one thing these movies all have in common: They suck.

To clarify, mall horror is characterized by films that are light-weight in scares, relying mostly on a worn cavalcade of clichés; short scenes of silence being shattered by a burst of loud music, usually accompanied by something jumping out at the on-screen character being the most common and damnable, and derivative in story, to the point that the majority are remakes. Asinine twist endings aren’t required but are common anyway. “Unrated” DVD releases that claim to be “the version too intense for theaters” but actually add nothing more offensive then what’s all ready there have quickly become a requirement as well. The one main aspect that categorizes a picture as mall horror is its need to appeal to easily startled teenage girls. In other worlds, if a fourteen year old girl dressed like the latest Bratz doll comes up to you and tells you that “The Foreboding Closet” is the scariest movie she’s ever seen, you can probably rest assure that said motion picture is mall horror.

Mall horror really first came into existence around 2002 with the release of the American remake of “The Ring.” Its roots can be traced back further to the likes “The Sixth Sense,” “The Others,” or even “Poltergeist” but two-naught-naught-two was the year the floodgates opened. Though relatively well-liked even among the world of grouchy horror fans, “The Ring” featured many of the trademarks of this reviled genre. It’s family-friendly rating, focuses on “atmosphere” over blood and tits (not to say that us horror fans need blood and tits to enjoy a movie. But, you know, they never hurt), and, most clearly, its Asian roots. The only thing missing was a CW-friendly cast and more obvious writing and direction.

Of course, the knock-offs, hanger-ons, sequels, and copy-cats that followed were all more then happy to fill in those ingredients. Before you knew it, January, February, and occasionally even spring and fall months, were flooded with the likes of “The Grudge,” “Dark Water,” “Boogeyman,” “The Return,” “The Messengers,” “Pulse,” “The Eye,” “One Missed Call” and on and on. Those among us with “Rue Morgue” subscriptions and “Return of the Living Dead” t-shirts were annoyed by the trend, of course, but mostly ignored it until the heartless Hollywood producers started coming after our beloved seventies and eighties classics and repackaging them into shinier, tidier, and completely harmless new boxes for the junior high crowd. Wretched accomplishments like “The Fog” and the recent “Prom Night” reduxes got many a horror website writer’s blood a-boiling. And the filming of tone-downed version of everything from “It’s Alive” to “He Knows Your Alone” will surely continue to piss us off in the future. (The remake trend isn’t limited to the PG-13 rating, of course. But the harsher rated studio produced recreations of horror standards commit many of the same sins as their TV-appropriate brethren and should be equally scoffed at.)

You may be asking, “Yeah, all that’s true, but what’s really so bad about mall horror?” Well, there are a couple of things. First off, it degrades the artistic spirit of our youth. That’s a melodramatic thing to say but it’s true. Fewer and fewer young people truly appreciate movies these days. Even fewer know what a good scary movie looks like. Many a suburban mallrat views the picture show as a way only to pass the time. (They also view people who go to the view movies impulsively and use words like “picture show” as weird, self-hating geeks. Of which they’d be partially correct.) Some don’t even care if they’re entertained, only that they were distracted for ninety minutes. The soul-sucking allure of TV and video games and the lack of good rental stores or, gasp!, art-houses and revival theaters around small towns is partially responsible for this attitude. Ultimately, I lack the sociologically degree necessary to figure out why such an attitude would become prevalent among the youth. If you’ll allow me to start speaking in doomsday theories, I can envision a unnerving future: a generation of horror fans suckled on the likes of “The Forgotten” or “The Invasion” might go on to produce similarly superficial fare. The continued popularity of mall horror can only mean one thing: More mall horror. A day when that comes to dominate our cinemas would be far scarier then anything overpaid Hollywood screenwriting teams can come up with.

Further more, the remakes commonly overshadow the originals in the eyes of those born after 1990. Countless times I’ve heard tales of friends working at rental stores and being pestered by young types looking for “When a Stranger Calls” only for the costumer to be confused and flabbergasted when presented with the original. If the multiple reports of the same I’ve read on message boards all over the internet mean anything, this is far from an isolated incident.

Ultimately though what really sucks about mall horror is that it’s soulless. These are hollow films made not by struggling artist with something to say, or even talented fanboys trying to spread the love of the genre, but by bottom dollar counting producers. Even in the cases were the director or writer are talented individuals, any artistry they might bring to the table is squashed by an insistence on formula or, as in the case of the recent “The Eye” remake, have their movie jerked away from them and reedited, presumably to have any of the genuinely interesting bits cut out. It’s shallow, disposable entertainment made for a shallow, disposable generation that have little to no understanding of anything, much less filmmaking, much less a niche genre like horror.

And, lastly, get off my lawn, you goddamn kids!

So... Update.

I know I haven't updated "Film Thoughts" in more then a month. The reasons for this is, I've apperantly ran out of completed Director's Report Cards to post. There are a handful of nearly complete ones, like Mel Brooks or Wes Anderson, or ones that were complete until recently, like Charlie Kaufman and David Fincher. I soon as I see "Bolt" my massive Disney Animated Features report card will be done, so expect that soon. Things have been busy around here and I apologize for my inactivity.

So, in order to past the time the time, I'm see if I can't dig up some film essays/rants I've written over the years and post them.

Thanks for the support, readers.