Halloween 2024: September 28th

Sweetie, You Won't Believe It (2022)

Zhanym, ty ne poverish

Located geographically and culturally between Russia, the Middle East, and China, Kazakhstan is a country that probably seems remote to most Americans. It has a population of 20 million but global awareness is such that a not inconsiderate amount of people thought it was invented for "Borat." Pop culture is one of the most powerful tools for spreading general culture around the world. The films of Kazakhstan rarely gets much exposure outside its borders, leading to the country's cinematic output unfortunately being obscure. Hopefully that is changing, as more Kazakhstani imports are becoming available over here. And it was only a matter of time before one of them crossed over into that most profitable of all genres. Produced in 2020 by Yernar Nurgaliyev, "Sweetie, You Won't Believe It" is probably Kazakhstan's first horror/comedy. It's certainly the first to make any in-roads in America, thanks to Shudder picking it up.

Relentlessly henpecked by his pregnant wife, Dastan hopes to forget some of his troubles by taking a day long fishing trip with two old buddies, Arman and Murat. The trip gets off to a bad start. Murat throws a bottle of urine out the window and into an on-coming vehicle's windshield. The trio has to improvise a raft from the blow-up dolls Arman sells as part of his sex toy business. While floating down the river, the bickering trio witness a quartet of would-be gangsters assassinate a man that owes them some money. The four take chase after Dastan and his friends. The already tense situation escalates further when a mysterious man with one eye and super-human strength – looking for revenge for a family dog they struck and killed with their car – begins to pursue and brutally kill the crooks. A perverted gas station owner, his lonely daughter, and a helpful horse also become entangled in the proceedings. Dastan, Arman, and Murat attempt to make it out alive and return home before Dastan becomes a father.

At one point in “Sweetie, You Won't Believe It,” there's a shot of a spooky, isolated cabin with a strangely large moon superimposed on the sky above. This immediately made me think of all the similar shots from “The Evil Dead.” It's easy to imagine this as an intentional homage, since Nurgaliyev's film has an similar sense of comedic carnage. The film is an escalating series of bloody mishaps. A key, early sequence has Dastan loosing his pants following a close call with a fishing hook. This is shortly followed by Arman getting his ear lob ripped off in similar fashion. Not long after that, Murat is shot in the ass, a wound he carries all throughout the film. Scenes like this establish the film's  tendency for madcap running gags. Such as the fruitiest member of the criminal gang fainting at the sight of blood. Or one oddball misunderstanding after another, climaxing with Dastan trying to explain to his attempted murderer what exactly is going on. “Sweetie, You Won't Believe It” quickly captures a tone of wacky humor, bringing its various reoccurring gags and set-ups back around in increasingly funny ways. 

While the movie is packed full of belly laughs, there's also some strong filmmaking on display here. Nurgaliyev directed four films before this one and has made four since, while cinematographer Azamat Dulatov has quite an extensive resume. Both are clearly professionals, which is likely why “Sweetie, You Don't Believe It” is such a good looking movie. Off-beat point-of-view shots are utilized, as are some cleverly disorientating Steadycam sequences. A stand-out moment has Marut barely avoiding detection from the killer, ducking behind walls and objects right as the guy turns his back each time. It's an impressive scene, that skillfully balances both suspense and comedy. The finale features some well-done fight choreography too, showing a definite influence from Hong Kong action movies. The whip sharp editing further emphasizes the clever camera movements, acting much like punchlines to jokes. The movie's visual construction and its loopy comedic tone are right in line with each other. 

I'm admittedly fairly ignorant about Kazakhstani culture. While “Sweetie, You Won't Believe It” surely reflects the unique attributes of its filmmakers and storytellers' lives, the script also focuses on universal themes. Dastan being an expected father, in over his head and overwhelmed, is something that can be found in any country. The movie ultimately centers around the meaning of manhood. Dastan's friends mock him, saying he's whipped by his controlling wife. Murat claims to be a police officer, greatly exaggerated his own achievements. Meanwhile, the quartet of gangsters are all tightly bounded with each other, despite their constant bickering. Once the bloodshed starts, the shotgun-wielding Petok becomes obsessed with avenging his fallen brothers. More is revealed about these guys' backstories as the film goes on, the different men standing up for one another. Dastan learns to defemd himself against his brutish wife but the movie's thesis is less macho and woman-hating than that suggests. The script ultimately decides that standing by, and standing up for, those you care about is how actual manliness should be valued.

“Sweetie, You Won't Believe It” is my favorite kind of discovery: A movie I went into with no expectations that ended up surprising and delighting me. The cast are all fully committed to their parts, the script smartly giving us a clear idea of who these people are very quickly simply through the way they act and look. While the influences are evident – “Texas Chain Saw Massacre” is another one, Leatherface's legacy spreading across the globe in a way Tobe Hooper surely couldn't have anticipated – the movie manages to bring them all together in a fresh and funny way. Only some iffy special effects, used to display the killer's superhuman abilities, stick out to me as a negative. Even if the bizarre subplot about the gas station owner and his daughter never quite goes anywhere, I had fun with it too. This is an energetic, consistently hilarious, cleverly engineered genre hybrid. [9/10]

Bizarre (1970)

The DVD era was truly a time for unearthing forgotten, weird films of years passed. I don't think streaming or the Blu-Ray/4K days will dig up as many baffling obscurities. A good example is a British anthology film from 1970 known in its native land as "Secrets of Sex" but released abroad as, simply, "Bizarre." The directorial debut of Antony Balch, the film was subject to censorship and re-cutting when new. Afterwards, it would sink into obscurity before Synapse put it out on disc in 2005. That's when I first read about it and the mixture of mummy movie, kinky skin flick, and anthology horror stuck with me. No physical re-release has followed since but the movie is available on various services, meaning it's time for me to catch up with this one. 

In days of old, the lover of a judge's wife was locked in a trunk and cast off a cliff. Now an immortal mummy, the man has watched the battle of the sexes play over the centuries. He presents six tales: A naïve man poses for a torture themed photoshoot, unaware of how far the female photographer plans to push things. A childless widower marries a younger woman with the intention of producing an heir, unaware that she carries a strange hereditary condition. A married man catches a female burglar attempting to rob his house, a game of seduction ensuing. A socially awkward American orders a call girl, hoping to share his fetish for reptiles and dinosaurs with her. An old woman captures the souls of her lovers in the flowers in her garden. The lengthiest segment involves Lindy Leigh, a lady spy recruited to use her sex appeal to gather secrets from a foreign dignitary. 

"Bizarre" can be classified as an odd fusion of comedy, erotica, and horror. The segments that veer towards the macabre and strange are strongest. The first episode, about the bondage photoshoot, is by far the best. It revolves around a distressing torture device called the Spanish horse, the story mining a bit of suspense out of the boundaries between pleasure, pain, commerce, and the battle between the sexes. The fetishistic angle returns with the call girl sequence. Using fish-eye lens effects and exaggerated sound design, the story shows accurately how our sex drives and otherwise innocent interests can become entangled in our youths. It also features a prominent role for the Crystal Palace Dinosaurs, pieces of infamously bizarre Paleo art that add an amusingly off-beat flair to the middle section. Sadly, the segment doesn't have much of an ending. A similar complaint can be leveraged at the second and final stories. Both are rather dialogue heavy, largely composed of two people talking around a dinner table or in a greenhouse. The scientist plot does feature one startling bit of special effects, briefly glimpsed though it is. 

At the very least, these episodes come the closest to achieving the film's apparent goal of showing us what a kink-focused Amicus movie might look like. As a comedy or a piece of softcore pornography, "Bizarre" is rather dire. It's a cliché that the British sex comedies of this era are neither very funny nor all that sexy. I'm not familiar with the genre but if "Bizarre" is any indication, I'm inclined to believe it. The burglar story features lots of shots of the leading man and lady's asses in unflatteringly drab underwear. (The movie seems quite fixated on the buttocks, usually clad in ass crack exposing briefs.) The segment builds towards some unenthusiastic dry humping and the extremely odd use of a telephone. The spy story is "Bizarre" at its most belabored. Magazine style graphics flash on-screen throughout, trying to inject a level of cartoonish wackiness the segment simply can't match. All the actors seem deeply uninterested as they march through the obvious double entendres that lace the screenplay, on the way towards a deflated punchline of a final scene. There's a story nested inside this one, of a slapstick silent movie the characters watch that is far more painfully unfunny. There's nothing worse than bad comedy, goofy incidents desperately trying to wring laughs out of the viewer but lacking the timing or wit to achieve that.

Besides his work as a director and an exploitation distributor, Balch is probably best known as a collaborator of William S. Burroughs. The wrap-around segments are when this is most obvious, when the film shows a flair for artsy weirdness. A long scene devoted to women in lingerie being splattered with food, before shirtless twinks with tommy guns attack, is too odd to forget. The mummy host is voiced by Valentine Dyall, a character actor whose distinctive baritone was put to good use on British radio. Dyall has a talent for delivering absolute nonsense with a convincing seriousness. This is most evident in a long, hypnotic montage of various men and women, the mummy asking us to imagine making love to each one. If "Bizarre" had stuck to this weirdo approach, abstract scenes loosely illustrating its themes of sex and gender conflict, it probably would have been an all together more satisfying film. 

All omnibus features are uneven. If the 1st and 5th stories were presented on their own, they would be decent short films. When stacked alongside the dreadful third and fourth episodes, and the fairly listless second and sixth, the result is an off-center film that never finds its footing despite the obvious creativity on display. With its history of censorship, I expected "Bizarre" to be more explicit. I suspect its queer elements, of crossdressing and men-on-men kissing, is what most offended the guardians of decency of days past. Balch's life story – a gay genre film enthusiast who wormed his way into the industry he adored through sheer force of will, meeting many of his heroes along the way, before dying young of cancer – is likely more interesting than any of his movies. The idea of a horror-tinged skin flick hosted by a melodramatic mummy sounds irresistible but "Bizarre" never quite lives up to that logline. [5/10]

The Hitchhiker: Windows

If you see Page Fletcher and his weird mullet babbling pseudo-philosophical gobbledygook, you know you're watching "The Hitchhiker." "Windows" follows Jake, a struggling artist living in a weirdly spacious apartment somewhere in Paris. He's having a hard time selling any paintings, putting a strain on his relationship with his girlfriend, Sophie. While observing the temperamental couple in the building across from him, Jake paints a scene of the man shooting the woman. His creative block removed, Jake starts to paint constantly... But is disturbed when he seemingly sees his neighbor actually shoot his wife. He becomes convinced that his paintings predict the future. When Jake paints himself killing Sophie, he becomes delirious. 

The stereotype of the young and hungry artist is usually a passionate, high-minded individual who pretentiously rants about how no one understands their art. Whether this is true or not, it's certainly what's depicted in "Windows." Jake is kind of an asshole, honestly. As played by the whiny David Marshall Grant, the character comes across as totally self-absorbed. Sophie, played by the very blue-eyed Annabelle Mouloudji, is nothing but kind to him. Their conversations still usually end with him yelling at her. The protagonist totally ceases to be sympathetic when he screams at her about the true meaning of art as she flees his studio. (Especially since his paintings look more like comic book panels than high art.) By the time he's smacking her around – an incident his brush strokes naturally predicted – you want to see this guy get his comeuppance. While the implication is that Jake's paintings are the result of some unexplained precognition, they strike me more as self-fulfilling prophecies. Especially by the conclusion, where he basically talks himself into trying to murder his girlfriend. 

If this was an E.C. Comics style fable about a lousy crook getting their just desserts, such a spiral might be more compelling. Instead, I think we're supposed to root for Jake. Or at least relate to his artistic constipation. That's certainly the impression I get from Rene Manzor's music video style direction. The episode features lots of Dutch angles and evocative lighting, most notably in the scene where Jake photographs himself posing with a gun. Some of these images are definitely cool. The final shot, of a shadow crossing a painting and looking like a gravestone's cross, is neat. However, Manzor can't bring the sense of hyper-reality to this half-hour potboiler that he displayed in his feature, "3615 Code Pere Noel." "Windows" is among the highest rated episodes of "The Hitchhiker" but I'm not sure why. Some flashy direction isn't enough to redeem an unlikable protagonist and a lack of tension. [5/10]

The Addams Family: The Addams Family Splurges

The space race was big news in 1965, leading "The Addams Family" writers to draw inspiration from it. "The Addams Family Splurges" has the kooky clan deciding their next vacation should be to the moon. The supercomputer in their basement, named Whizzo, calculates that they only need a billion dollars to fund such a journey. Gomez decides to raise the money by betting on race horses, with Whizzo predicting the winners. Their financial broker, Mr. Hulman, finds the whole situation absurd and refuses to make the bets. However, Whizzo's predictions come true. This leads to Mr. Hulman aghast at how he'll pay the Addams back.  

By now, maybe the creative staff of "The Addams Family" realized the gag of folks being frightened of the family was getting a bit overdone. This is the second episode to feature an outsider unaffected by the Addams' house dressing. Instead, Roland Winters' Mr. Hulman is simply the straight man in the ridiculous situation the family has engineered. Winters is good at getting laughs from exasperated reactions to everything that unfolds. Probably the highlight of the episode is a circular conversation between him, Gomez, and Morticia about the morality of gambling. There's also at least three jokes about Hulman considering suicide and two about Uncle Fester threatening to shoot him in the back. I don't think "The Andy Griffith Show" was cracking one-liners like that. 

This one of the episodes that really emphasizes the kooky over the creepy. Gomez' supercomputer makes all sorts of goofy noises, Fester puts on an elaborate space helmet, and the episode ends with the announcement that Tristan and Isolde – the family's pet piranha – have devoured each other. Gomez and Morticia are also seen doing some sort of bullfighting themed pet play. Good for them. Thing gets some good chuckles here, Ted Cassidy conveying a lot of amusing emotion with only one hand. I'm beginning to think this show really was a lot weirder than "The Munsters." [7/10]