RECENT WATCHES: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem (2023)

From my lofty position as a “geriatric millennial,”  I have seen the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise evolve through far more iterations than I ever expected. After the heady heights of Turtle-Mania in the early nineties, when Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird's scrappy indie comic had become a massive pop culture phenomenon, the series seemed to retreat from the public eye, the way any fad does eventually. By the time the frankly embarrassing "The Next Mutation" was airing, being into TMNT was just about the lamest thing possible. Yet, surprisingly, the Turtles have become one of those kid brands that continuously get resurrected every few years. Since my own childhood, I've seen three new television series and four additional theatrical films join the franchise. The latest of which is "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem," only the second animated film in the series to hit theaters. Fascinatingly, the Heroes on the Half-Shell have gone through just about every step of the reboot cycle, arriving back at the goofy, kid-friendly phase.

Many things change but some elements remain consistent. The turtles always became mutants thanks to a mysterious green ooze. They are always Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and Michaelangelo. They always live in the New York sewers with their father figure, Splinter the Rat. In "Mutant Mayhem," the boys long to join human society, feeling cloistered by the secretive life style their father insists on. When a villain called Superfly begins to torment the city, the Turtles see their chance to become heroes and be accepted by humanity. This goal gets closer as they become friends with April O'Neil, a teenage reporter determined to crack the Superfly case. Yet the Ninja Teens are shocked to discover that Superfly is, like them, a mutated animal with a whole gang of similar partners. The young heroes must decide if they want to help the villain fulfill his grudge against humanity or fight for what's right.

Not too long ago, I opined that "Into the Spider-Verse"  is one of the most immediately influential films in animation history. "Mutant Mayhem" is the latest entry in the growing list of high-profile projects to emulate that movie's combination of CGI and traditional animation techniques. Here, this manifests as a painterly style, colorful and slightly messy strokes visible on just about every surface and character. The result combines the fluidity of CGI animation with the personality and artistry of hand-drawn works. This invokes the Turtles' roots as a gritty, home-made indie comic. The character designs in "Mutant Mayhem" are lovably grotesque, with bulging eyes, a diversity of body shapes, and innumerable little details and quirks. This universe feels lived-in, a fully realized New York full of gunk and graffiti. The characters have a somewhat sketchy quality to them that feels unique on the modern, big budget animation landscape.

This combination of styles is, naturally, a great fit for some amusingly chaotic action sequences. The highlight of the film is a montage, which breathlessly cuts between the Turtles cracking down on various criminal elements, which represents the animation team truly flexing their muscles. This style lends itself as much to physical comedy as it does thrills though. Another notable moment is a delightfully goofy car chase, set to one of the film's many nostalgic needle drops. (This scene is also the closest we're likely to ever get to a big screen TMNT/Masters of the Universe crossover.) You also see this approach in a close-quarters scuffle in an auto shop, representing the turtles' first awkward steps towards becoming crime-fighters. The peak of this fusion of comedy and action occurs when Splinter – lovingly voiced by Jackie Chan – emerges from his hiding place to help his boys. The resulting scene pays homage to Chan's history as an action cinema innovator in a truly unexpected and fantastically giddy fashion.

What truly differentiates each iteration of the Turtles from each other are how they approach the titular terrapins. "Mutant Mayhem" emphasizes the “Teenage” part the most. The four reptile martial artists long to be accepted, to attend high school like normal kids. They goof around and tell silly jokes. Leonardo harbors an awkward crush on April while Raphael deals with unbridled emotions. In what can be seen as either an obnoxious attempt to make these almost forty year old characters appeal to the modern youths, or a decent leap at updating things, the Turtles are often on their cellphones. They watch Youtube videos. Mikey twerks in one scene. Whether you find modern pop culture references like this – there are many – fitting or annoying depends on your tolerance for zoomer antics, I suppose. More often than not, I thought it was cute. 

If I have any problem with the movie, it's not that the story strays too much from established “Turtles” lore. Instead, I find the script to be a little too linear in its construction. Each member of the cast has a structured character arc. Raph has to learn to handle his rage. Donnie masters his driving skills. April overcomes her fear of being on-camera. Splinter learns to be a better, more open dad. It's all a little too compact and fine-tuned, in my opinion. This even extends to the residence of New York City, who learn a valuable lesson about acceptance in a last act that felt a bit overextended and belabored. 

Still, “Mutant Mayhem” is mostly a highly entertaining motion picture. For long time Turtle Fanatics like myself, there's plenty of nods to the franchise's long history. It's a hoot to see long-loved characters like Mondo Gecko or Wingnut finally on-screen, even re-imagined in these highly new variations. (The former, voiced by Paul Rudd, is especially amusing.) Animation fans are likely to have a good time with this and I imagine kids will dig the fast-paced action and storytelling. Obviously, plenty of breadcrumbs are left for a sequel and, considering the movie's positive reception and decent box office, hopefully we'll get more “Mayhem” soon enough. [7/10]

RECENT WATCHES: Batman Vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2019)

Because of the insular quality of the comics industry, it’s a lot easier for various properties to get together and make oddball crossovers happen. This is, after all, the medium that brought us “Alien vs. Predator,” “Ape Nation,” and “Archie Meets the Punisher.” In recent years, IDW Publishing has created a number of truly unexpected crossovers. The company has allowed “Star Trek” to meet “Doctor Who;” “Ghostbusters” to meet “Transformers,” the Rocketeer to meet the Spirit, and G.I. Joe to meet Cthulhu. One of the company's crossovers was “Batman Meets Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” This mini-series was so successful, IDW and DC has published several follow-ups. That popularity prompted WB Animation – who have been putting out direct-to-video animated films based on the DC superheros for years – and Nickelodeon to get together and turn “Batman vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” into a feature film. What a time to be alive.

Loosely adapted from the first mini-series, an alliance between the Shredder's Foot Clan and Ra's al Ghul's League of Shadows brings the Ninja Turtles to Gotham City. Batman initially blames the Turtles for these crimes, leading to their inevitable confrontation, before they work out their differences and team-up to fight the baddies together.  In actuality, the story is just an excuse to match-up various complimenting elements from both franchises. So the Party Van and the Batmobile race together. Donnie nerds out over the Bat-Computer. Batman's rogue gallery is transformed via mutagen, leading to such sights as Polar Bear Mr. Freeze or Plant Monster Poison Ivy. Those are just some choice examples, the filmmakers' nerdy glee showing in each mash-up.

Aside from both being a source of nostalgia for nineties kids, what do Batman and the Ninja Turtles have in common? Well, there's a shared affinity for martial arts and stealth attacks. The wide differences between the two cast provides much of the fun factor to “Batman Vs. Ninja Turtles.” Bruce immediately sees something of a kindred spirit in the serious, studious Leonardo... But the young, inexperienced turtle has fears, which the Scarecrow's fear gas utilize. Similarly, Raphael and Damian Wayne bond over their mutual status as gruff outsiders. Donnie and Batgirl end up doing machines and science together, a fun set-up. The goofiest of these interactions is Michaelango's pizza obsession and skateboard habit inconveniencing Alfred. The film cannot resist the fun factor in getting Batman involved with this either, having him eventually consume Italian cheese/sauce bread and shout surfer slang.

There is a downside to the film though. A big problem with WB's series of DC animated features is that they all look very similar. I've seen a bunch of them and they all tend to blend together in my brain, on account of having an identical style. Since the Turtles naturally look a little more exaggerated than the Batman crew, that requires slightly cartoonier character designs. Otherwise, it's the same bland approach we're used to. “Batman vs. Ninja Turtles” even features some lousy CGI, when weightless looking cargo crates are tossed into the air. This line of animated films also sometimes double-down on edgy violence, in an attempt to prove how PG-13 they are. Despite obviously appealing to a younger audience, “Batman Vs. Ninja Turtles” does this too. Did we really need to see Ra's al Ghul cut heads off or the Shredder shove his claws through some random guy's chest?

Ultimately though, films like this are for the fans. Since “Batman” and “TMNT” both have long histories, there's lots of in-jokes that are sprinkled throughout. Fittingly, since it aired around the same time as the original "Turtles" cartoon, the film has several shout-outs to “Batman: The Animated Series.” Like those awesome crime blimps. While no one from either original series is in this movie, the voice cast is full of soundalikes. A campy fight scene with the Penguin recalls the Adam West “Batman” series. “TMNT” lore dominates the shout-outs. Shredder's entrance recalls his slow-mo descend in the first live action movie. Baxter Stockman appears as a delightfully grotesque fly humanoid. Theme songs and catchphrases are reprised. For fans of both   series, it's fun to catch this stuff.

Like so much comic book-adapted media, this ends on a blatant sequel hook. While the four-color crossover prompted three sequels, it's hard to say if the various corporate agreements that allowed this film to happen will last through to a continuation. But I would watch it, if it got made. “Batman vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” is ultimately a trifle, a light-weight and fluffy snack that doesn't even approach the more meaningful layers of either franchise. The animation if forgettable and the story is nonsense. Yet seeing your childhood toy box play sessions realized in animation does provide a thrill or two. [7/10]

WHY DO I OWN THIS?: We Wish You a Turtle Christmas (1994)

This is what a pop culture phenomenon the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were in the nineties. People paid good money to watch actors dressed as crude facsimiles of the characters sing songs. Following the utterly shocking success of the “Coming Out of Their Shells” live musical stage show, a pair of VHS sing-along tapes were released in 1994. The first was “Turtles Tunes,” a collection of public domain songs and original numbers sung by the Ninja Turtles. The second was “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas,” which similarly had the reptilian martial artists putting their spin on seasonal melodies. Forgotten for years, the internet would pick up these tapes and make them so-bad-they're-good, “can you believe this stupid bullshit?” cult items. “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas” is supposed to be pretty terrible which might make you wonder why I own it.

The thin plot of “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas” revolves around the ninjas going out on Christmas Eve to get their Master Splinter some gifts. The residents of New York City and various shopping establishments are apparently unfazed by the sight of six foot tall, heavily muscular turtles dancing and singing near them. Of course, the plot is merely meant to facilitate the various songs. In-between the numbers, there's some light banter. Along the way, a street corner Santa and a group of children join the Turtles in their singing.

And what songs they are! The opening rendition of “Deck the Halls” is done as a reggae number. “Over the River and Through the Woods” is rewritten to be about the Turtles' sewer abode. Michaelangelo, for unexplained reasons, launches into an opera-esque rendition of “O Little Town of Bethlehem,” which is now about Manhattan. Once Splinter is presented with his gift, he puts his own spin on “12 Days of Christmas.” The tape wraps up with the Turtles and a bunch of kids singing “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” There are two wholly original numbers too, including an utterly cringe-inducing rap song about wrapping gifts. Truly, you have not lived until you've seen the Ninja Turtles butcher these Christmas classics.

As hilariously misguided and utterly jaw-dropping as these songs are, it's not the main thing that makes “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas” so hilarious. Did I mention this was a live action production? The Ninja Turtle suits the actors wear aren't even up the standard of “The Next Mutation.” The animatronic mouths barely move, a thin strip of black fabric visible behind their massive teeth. The performers clearly have difficulty moving in the outfits, much less dancing. The Splinter costume has a weirdly over-sized head. Apparently two actors did all the voices. This is evident, as three of the four turtles have weird Brooklyn accents. The voice performers chatter over the end credits, even after the words disappear.

Why Do I Own This?: The easiest answer to that question is: How could I not? I own “Turtle Tunes” too. If you think this one is bad, ooh boy, you should check out that cinematic masterpiece of sight and sound. When I spotted both of these quote-unquote films in a flea market bin of VHS tapes, two dollar price tags on each, there was no way I could resist. Knowing fully both were suppose to awful, I happily took them home. This duo currently resides in my collection and you can take them when they're pried from my cold, dead fingers.

But I digress. “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas” is completely baffling and beautifully so. The only time I wasn't laughing through the twenty minute runtime was when my jaw sagged open in disbelief. I can recall renting this as a kid and happily eating it up. It's amazing what a child will uncritically consume, when compared to how hilariously perplexed an adult may be. I'm going to give this thing a positive review and have no regrets about that. Obviously produced cynically as a cheap way to cash in on a then red hot fad, time and perspective transforms “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas” into ironic enjoyment. May you have a truly Turtle Christmas as well. [7/10]

Recent Watches: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016)

The 2014 version of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” was widely despised by fans, for its hideous creature designs, crude humor, rickety direction, and compromised script. The needless rejiggering of the origin is what bothered me the most. I didn’t hate movie, found it more mediocre then anything else, but the immediate announcement of a sequel did not excite me. But then Michael Bay’s Mini-Me Jonathan Liesbesman left the project. Then Bebop and Rocksteady were added to the movie. Then they fixed the Shredder. As more images and trailers were released, it became apparent that the Party Wagon, Baxter Stockman, the Technodrome and – most important of all – motherfucking Krang were in the movie. By straight-up adapting the eighties cartoon series, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows” brought a much needed course correction to the rebooted franchise. The finished movie might be the most fun I’ve had in a movie theater all summer.

A year has passed since the previous film’s events. Befitting their ninja training, Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo have stayed in the shadow. April’s sidekick Vern Fenwick took credit for saving the day. This choice doesn’t sit well with all of the brothers, as Raphael longs to reveal their heroics to the public. The Shredder, confined to prison since part one, makes a daring escape with the help of scientist Baxter Stockman. Stockman’s teleportation device goes wrong, zapping Shredder into another dimension. There he meets Krang, an alien overlord with massive powers, a brain-like physique, and a desire to conquer Earth. Shredder agrees to help Krang, as long as he gets to destroy the Ninja Turtles. After recruiting two new henchmen, the villain goes to war. The Turtles recruit would-be vigilante Casey Jones but problems among the brothers threaten to tear them apart.

For all the problems I had with the 2014 feature, I was mostly satisfied with the characterization of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles themselves. The turtles are admittedly simple characters. The sequel itself realizes this, introducing each of them with two-world titles like “The Muscle” or “Pizza Lover.” Yet the Turtles are defined by a little more then their action features. Most every previous version has drawn strength from the conflict between Leonardo and Raphael. Raphael’s hot-headedness has him seeking recognition for his deeds. Leonardo is trying to let cooler heads prevail. Smartly, the sequel doesn’t show either brother as more correct then the other. Both have made mistakes, both have their strengths. A plot detail that is ridiculous on the surface – the Turtles discovering a mutagen that can transform them into humans – becomes a surprisingly interesting turn. This twist dovetails with the citizens of New York no longer fearing the teens and accepting them as human. It’s not too unusual stuff for what is essentially a kid’s movie. Yet it adds a decent layer of emotion to the standard story.

Well, there’s one problem from the last one that “Out of the Shadows” doesn’t correct. Megan Fox is still April O’Neil. Fox is just competent enough to carry the role, without bringing much personality to it. She doesn’t seem very interested in the part. Aside from an admittedly gratuitous schoolgirl sequence, at least the camera leers at her a lot less. “Out of the Shadows” could also maybe treat Casey Jones a little better. He’s a cop, instead of a vigilante. His hockey fandom becomes his primary gimmick. There are no cricket bats here. Stephen Amell plays Jones, bringing a little bit of humor to the part. Amell is best utilized during the action sequences, which he’s game for. The script is packed with new characters though, meaning Casey gets the short straw. The potential romance between Jones and O’Neil is reduced to a few shared grins and winks.

The Shredder in part one was barely a character, more of a special effect, the role reduced due to a last minute rewrite. Baxter Stockman, meanwhile, was a cameo. “Out of the Shadows” sure as hell fixes that. Instead of spending all his screen time in a robot suit, the Shredder is actually unmasked for most of the movie. Actor Brian Tee doesn’t do much more then sneer. Which is absolutely fine. All the Shredder has to do is curse the Turtles, flash his blades, and look intimidating. Mission accomplished. Tyler Perry, a divisive talent to say the least, has a good time hamming it up as Stockman. Perry defines Stockman as someone more interested in making his mark in science history then in morals or ethics. It’s a surprisingly compelling dynamic. He doesn’t turn into a fly but, otherwise, I enjoyed Perry’s performance.

2014’s “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” was an uneasy mixture of the newer comics, a smattering of older stuff, and Michael Bay bullshit. “Out of the Shadows,” meanwhile, pulls direct inspiration from the Fred Wolf cartoon show. In other words, the show I watched as a kid. The sequel makes this alignment obvious by introducing Bebop and Rocksteady early. Gary Anthony Williams and pro-wrestler Sheamus are cast as the warthog and rhino, respectively. Both characters look amazing, directly out of the cartoon, with the purple Mohawk and leather jackets intact. Luckily, the movie looses the slapstick, brain-dead comedy that characterized the cartoon versions. Instead, Bebop and Rocksteady are dumb muscles, goofy but deadly. They do exactly what they should in the film.

But none of that fucking matters. Going into “Out of the Shadows,” I was ready to grade its success totally on whether or not Krang was in the movie. Krang’s not in the movie? -1/10. Krang’s in the movie? Instant 10/10! In all seriousness, I’ve been waiting to see the purple, conceited brain monster on screen since I was five. Despite only having two true scenes, Krang dominates the screen. He’s gross, slobbery, conceited, slightly obnoxious, and so very brain-like. Though his robot body isn’t a pro-wrestler Drew Carrey android lookalike, Krang still resides inside his middle abdomen. Brad Garret was a last minute replacement for Fred Armisen, who I would’ve loved to hear in the part. Garret is a little too buffoonish. Yet it barely matters. Because Krang, you guys. Krang is in the movie. 10 out of 10.

“Out of the Shadows” is also a big step-up from the previous installment as far as action sequences go. Jonathan Liesbesman’s shaky, queasy direction has been traded for the calmer hand of Dave Green. The action has an undeniable fun streak. Such as when the turtles leap into the Party Wagon – they don’t call it that but that’s what it is – and attack Shredder’s prison convoy. There’s flying man-hole covers, crushed motorcycles, giant robot nunchucks, and enemy ninjas tossed down the highway. Green’s concise direction is best illustrated when the Turtles leap from an airplane, swinging through the sky as they land on another airplane. This action sequence just keeps building, topping itself. A giant machine gun mounted on a tank goes off, tearing the airplane apart from the inside. The collapsing plane flies through the jungle, loosing more pieces as it goes. The pay-off is a battle across the raging river, where the tank continues to play an important part. Despite ten thousand new action blockbuster coming out every summer, “Out of the Shadows” manages to find some cool shit to do.

If “Out of the Shadows” has a major flaw – assuming you don’t consider Saturday morning cartoon silliness a flaw – it’s a little too long. After that delirious rain forest set piece, the film takes a while to re-establish that fleet-footed, action movie pacing. That finally happens when Shredder succeeds in gathering the McGuffins, calling Krang and the Technodrome into our dimension. The Ninja Turtles leap into action. The Technodrome assembling itself in the skies above New York provides some dynamic sequence, the heroes surfing atop the floating pieces. The movie’s proper climax is a five way battle between the TMNT and Krang. It’s pretty awesome shit, remaining goofy and exciting throughout while constantly adding more and more outrageous elements to the story. I mean, shit, the Technodrome even has an eyeball on top!

Any complaints I have about the new “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie can’t help but come off as nitpicks. Yeah, Casey Jones could’ve been a little more comic accurate. Yeah, the Shredder could’ve worn his helmet more. Yeah, the Turtles spend far too much time flipping, bounding, and spinning through the air. Yeah, we could have more Krang. We could always have more Krang. But how can I bitch when a movie provided me with this much pure joy? They even toss in the theme song! High art? Absolutely not. Pure pop corn entertainment? Ooooh yeah. Dare I hope a potential part three gives us Fly Stockman and more mutant enemies? God, I hope so. [9/10]

Recent Watches: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

HEAVY SPOILERS AHEAD!

When it was announced that Michael Bay was producing a new film version of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the internet's reaction was not positive. Michael Bay’s films aren’t very good. They are punishingly long, carelessly written, incoherently directed, juvenile, sexist, racist, and immensely popular. The director had all-ready made mince-meat of one nostalgia property with his “Transformers” series, films I’m no fan of. However, Bay himself was not directing this newest incarnation of the Turtles. Instead, he was merely producing it under his Platinum Dunes development house, which has previously handled glossy, mall-friendly remakes of classic horror films. The chosen director, Jonathan Liesbesman, last directed “Battle: Los Angeles” and “Wrath of the Titans,” which did little to raise fans’ spirits. By the time Megan Fox had been cast as April O’Neil, it seemed like Bay was actively trolling TMNT enthusiasts. The point I’m making is that, going into 2014’s “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles,” my expectations were very low.

April O’Neil is a fluff-piece reporter for Channel 6 News and desperate to break into serious journalism. Her big break comes when she spots four vigilantes fighting against the Foot Clan, a crime syndicate/terrorist organization that currently has New York City gripped with fear. However, as the title gives away, these super-powered vigilantes aren’t humans but Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Working with the four Ninja Teens, O’Neil uncovers a conspiracy involving millionaire scientist Eric Sacks, the Foot Clan, and her late geneticist father, all of which leads back to the pizza loving, sewer dwelling, karate-trained turtle humanoids.

The internet was outraged when an early leaked script made the title characters into Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles. The final film ejected that idea. However, the new “Ninja Turtles” still makes some questionable alterations to the source material. A pet peeve I have with modern blockbusters is the insistence that the heroes and the villains have intertwined origins. The newest “TMNT” leans on this trend hard. April isn’t just a lucky reporter that stumbles on the team. Instead, her father’s experiments were directly responsible for creating Splinter and the Turtles. That’s a major change but it’s not what bothers me. Instead of learning the art of ninjitsu from Hamato Yoshi, Splinter learns martial arts from a pamphlet he finds in the sewer. This is not only stupid but a major betrayal of the source material. There’s no Asian mysticism and little focus on the Art of Invisibility. Of all the adjectives in the title, “Ninja” is the one the film seems less invested in.

Even though the teen’s ninja skills are minor plot element, the film maintains the villain of Shredder. Despite early reports, William Fichtner’s Eric Sacks never dons the armor. Oroku Saki is still the Shredder. He is, in fact, Sacks’ mentor. The two villains are working together to further their own evil schemes. This is why the Shredder is outfitted with a hi-tech suit of armor that can shoot magnetically manipulated blades, a potentially clever idea that film doesn’t fully exploit. There are some token mentions of the Shredder’s Japanese origins which the film sloppily ties Sacks in with. However, the Foot aren't ninjas anymore. Rather, they're generic modern bad guys, clad in body armor and ski masks while carrying machine guns. Karai is in the movie but merely fills the role of an important henchman. By completely removing Hamato Yoshi from the story, there is no preexisting rivalry between Splinter and the Shredder. Which means there’s no reason for the Shredder to hate the Turtles. The heroes stumble upon the scorn of their most important adversary. By downplaying the Asian elements, this “Ninja Turtles” loose most of the source material’s mythic qualities.

Michael Bay might not have directed “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” but Jonathan Liesbesman maintains his boss’ trademark look. The film has the same gritty but polished look of all previous Platinum Dunes productions. Lens-flares are employed regularly. Sea-sick green lighting crops up repeatedly. Sweeping crane shots are indulged in excessively. During several action scenes, and even a few non-action scenes, the camera jerks around spasmodically. The film does not feature a terrible lot of shaky-cam but just enough that it become difficult to follow. Liesbesman even throws in some of Bay’s most obnoxious habits. There are spinning loop-da-loop shots, lingering close-ups on cars (and Megan Fox's ass), and in-your-face product placement courtesy of Pizza Hut and Orange Crush. You’d think “Ninja Turtles” was a Michael Bay joint if it wasn’t for two things: The military has no role in the movie and the film isn’t three hours long.

Of all the previous adaptations of the source material, this “Ninja Turtles” probably has the most in common with the 1987 cartoon show. April works for Channel 6 News. Her boss, played by Whoopi Goldberg in a glorified cameo, is Bernadette Thompson instead of Burne Thompson. Her co-worker is Vernon. However, the movie even fucks that up. In the cartoon, Vernon was mostly a foil to April, constantly working to undermine her. Here, Vernon is a lonely middle-age guy who clearly has the hots for April. Will Arnett is well-cast in the role, making good use of his ability to ring laughs out of any line of dialogue. He plays her sidekick for most of the film, an unexpecting normal guy dragged along into a crazy adventure. This raises the question of why the movie bothered including the character at all.

The movie also doesn’t bother when perhaps it should have. Despite featuring the rest of the Channel 6 team, the film leaves out April’s best friend, the nerdy and perpetually dateless Irma. The film even had the opportunity to include her, since April has a disbelieving room mate played by Abbey Elliot. Aside from the Shredder, Eric Sacks is the secondary antagonist of the film. Sacks was invented for the film. Traditionally, the mad scientist in the Turtles-verse is Baxter Stockman. Why invent a new character when an established one easily could have filled the role? I was expecting some Krang-related last minute twist but… Nope. According to IMDb, Stockman is in the movie but I didn’t spot him. Fichtner is decent in the role and even brings some villainous glee to his generic lines. However, the character is ultimately forgettable, especially since he disappears before the end.

Which brings me to the Turtles. Much has been written about the newest designs, about how they’re ugly, grotesque, and even disturbing. The Turtles are ugly, there’s no doubt about that.  Their heads are small while there bodies are hulking. However, perhaps mutated humanoid turtles should be ugly. What truly pushes them into the Uncanny Valley are the additions of human-like nostrils, lips, and teeth. The Turtles are definitely over-designed and arguably hideous. Yet they grew on me. I like the decision to personalize each Turtle. Leonardo sports samurai style armor to go along with his samurai style honor. Raphael keeps sunglasses on his head and a toothpick in his mouth, along with some other biker-like decorations. Donatello sports a pair of high-tech goggles on his head, an electronic backpack on his shell, and even rigs his bo staff out with hydraulics. (He’s also been turned into something of a nerd stereotype, with his duct-tape mended glasses and snorting laughter.) Michelangelo is still a party dude but draws more from modern hip-hop culture then eighties surfer slang, which seems like a logical update. Splinter probably makes it out the best, looking like exactly what he is: A giant rat in a fancy robe.

What little bit of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” that works has to do, not with how the Turtles look but, with how they act. The film, more or less, nails the four teens’ personalities. Leonardo is the stoic leader, the rock that holds his brothers’ together. Though Johnny Knoxville was an out-of-left-field casting choice to voice the turtle, he is suitably heroic. Donatello is still the one who does machines and his technical know-how gets the gang out of a few scrapes. A cute tick they keep is his tendency to over-explain things. Raphael probably gets the most screen time which is to be expected since he has the juiciest character arc. Raph has to grapple with his anger and butt heads with his more responsible brother. Yet the four are family and Raph repeatedly puts his life on the line for them. A decent moment has him confessing how much they truly mean to him. Probably getting the most bad press is the take on Michelangelo. Mikey has an obvious crush on April and the film probably takes it too far. However, his role as the funny one is fulfilled with several genuinely amusing lines. No doubt the best scene in the film comes from Mikey. While ascending an elevator, and getting ready to face battle, Mikey starts to mindlessly beatbox. Instead of shouting him down, Raphael joins in, followed by the others. It’s a hilarious, light-hearted moment that roots the theatrical action in some sort of humanity. Or turtle-anity, if you will.

Splinter is still the Turtles’ father and the film doesn’t tip-toe around that relationship. Truthfully, a lot of what the Turtles do is motivated by saving Splinter. Casting the Lebanon Tony Shalhoub to voice a Japanese rat seemed like a weird decision. But Splinter isn’t Japanese any more, so it winds up not mattering. Surprisingly, Splinter even gets to kick some ass, whaling on Shredder during one of the film’s best action sequence. There are a few cute in-jokes here and there. Pizza falls on the rat’s head, as in the original film. Shredder utters his infamous catchphrase of “Tonight, I dine on turtle soup,” which is probably terrible but I like it. “Heroes in the half shell” and “Cowabunga” both get shouted. The Turtle Van puts in a late appearance. The film teases the possibility of Super Shredder at the very end. There’s even a possible reference to Usagi Yojimbo.

There’s still a lot of April O’Neil in the movie. Megan Fox’s acting skills have graduated from incredibly stiff to merely forgettable. Liesbesman comes close to engineering a few memorable action scenes. A car chase down a snowy hillside has one or two exciting moments even if its chaotically organized. The final fight between the Turtles and the Shredder features some decent action. The sound design is deafening, with the dialogue barely audible at times. The musical score by Tyler Bates shamelessly patterns itself after Hans Zimmer’s work, featuring much pounding noise and dissonant ringing. For every element I like about the film, there’s something else I can complain about.

Does “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” truly work? It is not terrible. It is also not particularly good. The film is not a childhood raping monstrosity, just a mediocre studio product that makes one or two major fumbles. The script stays truer to the spirit of the source material than Michael Bay’s “Transformers” films, even if it’s blatantly patterned after them. It is also not the worst Ninja Turtles movie, as it is slightly less embarrassing than “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III.” These are, admittedly, low bars to clear. When future fans reach for the definitive “Ninja Turtles” experience, the original film, the original comics, and the 2003 or 2012 cartoons is what they will grab first, not Hollywood's latest attempt to make green out of the Green Machine. [5/10]

Recent Watches: Turtles Forever (2009)

As previously stated, the Ninja Turtles I most remember are those of the movies. Of course, I watched the Fred Wolf produced animated series that ran from 1987 to 1996. Revisiting the series recently, it’s not good in any traditional sense. Even its best episodes were devoted to selling toys. Most of the time, it was a goofy animated sitcom. As part of my TMNT retrospective, I gave the 2003 cartoon a look. The series has a devoted following. It’s beautifully animated and clearly put more thought into its writing than the ‘87 series. However, it’s not my Ninja Turtles. After marathoning a handful of episodes, the series’ heavily serialized storytelling burnt me out. (For the record, I’ve just started watching the 2012 series but, so far, I love it.) Even if I’m not the biggest fan of the millennial Turtles, I couldn’t resist the siren call of “Turtles Forever,” the feature length series finale that had the more serious iteration teaming up with the goofier one.

“Turtles Forever” begins in the world of the 2003 series. The Turtles’ lives are interrupted when news breaks of humanoid turtles foiling a heist. The Ninjas are confused because it isn’t them. Soon, they meet up with their doppelgangers, the cornball Turtles from the ’87 series. A trans-dimensional wedgie has landed the old turtles in the new turtles’ world, with Shredder, Krang, and the Technodrome close behind. The incompetent ‘80s Shredder quickly locates his millennial counterpart. However, this new Shredder is a ruthless sociopath and quickly takes over the Technodrome. Aware of the TMNT multi-verse, Nu-Shredder is determined to track down the Prime Universe and wipe out every incarnation of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that have ever existed.

Most of the fun of “Turtles Forever” comes from contrasting two wildly divergent variations of the same characters. The millennial Turtles are widely a serious, focused lot. The classic Turtles, meanwhile, crack jokes at every opportunity. Instead of using stealth and ninjitsu to get the drop on their enemies, the original Turtles walk down the street in broad daylight, sauntering into a pizza parlor for a slice. Most of the later Ninjas are baffled by their counterparts. Raphael is especially annoyed by the constant joking. Michaelangelo finds them amusing at first but quickly grows tired of their constant flippantness. Some of the best jokes in the film involve classic Raphael making some of his trademark fourth-wall breaking comments, which everyone else in the film find confounding. At first, I thought the newer series was being too hard on the original variations. The Party Wagon and Turtle Blimp both get trashed as useless vehicles. When arriving in the Fred Wolf dimension, the heroes have to rescue April from anthromorphized bananas. I mean, the eighties series was goofy but I don’t think it was never that goofy.

However, the filmmakers were aware enough to play both sides. A sweet moment has the neo-TMNT find the classic version of Splinter as comforting as their own. The climax of the film has both Turtle teams arriving in the Prime Universe. That is, the universe of the original Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird comics. The grayscale Turtles speak in gritty Frank Miller-style voice-over and are incessantly violent. They decry both newer versions as sell-outs. Even more amusingly, the comic version of Shredder is quickly disposed of, no doubt a reference to the character being an unimportant villain in the source material. The film is enough of a fan service-filled nerd-experience that it gives shout-outs to most every version of the Turtles that have ever existed, even the weird anime ones. (Though “The Next Mutation” and the “Coming Out of Their Shells Tour” are notably absent. Well, maybe not so notably.)

Another fun thing “Turtles Forever” does is show that the eighties Shredder and Krang could have been competent villains. ’03 Shredder arms himself with Dimension X technology. He remakes the useless robot Foot Soldiers into fearsome cyborgs. The mutagen is used to transform a horde of minions into super-mutants. Reoccurring villain Han more-or-less becomes a new take on Slash. Meanwhile, Tokka and Rahzar get brief cameos. The Technodrome itself is rebuilt as a floating, laser-spewing Death Star. The scene where the re-decoed Technodrome attacks New York, bursting out of ground and causing panic, is one of the best in the film. At the very end, nu-Shredder, who is apparently an Ultrom alien or somethin’, wears his own version of Krang’s growing suit. When the two face off, he proves how superior his technology is. The new version of Shredder is so ruthless, he truly is willing to destroy himself if it means wiping out his arch-enemies. The respective universe vanishing are presented in a clever way. The color fades away and then everyone is rendered as crude pencil drawings before vanishing all-together.

The cleverness of the film is best emphasized during its end. After pumping the Shredder up as the baddest dude in the multi-verse, he’s taken out accidentally by Bebop and Rocksteady. The final scene has the different Turtle teams returning to their respective universe. The Mirage Turtles rush off, hardboiled monologues playing overhead. During the final minutes, the camera pulls back, showing the characters as comic illustrations. From off-screen, we hear Eastman and Laird discuss the uncertain future of their then-new property. It’s a cute, even charming, moment and one that marks the film as a labor of love.

“Turtles Forever” is probably for diehard fans of the franchise only. There’s not much to the film and it feels more like a midnight snack then a proper cinematic meal. Yet the only real disappointment I have is that it couldn’t get the original ’87 cast members back because of some union bullshit. The sound-alikes they use are fairly convincing. The movie acknowledges the pros and cons of both cartoons while sneaking in plenty of in-jokes. Even as someone who only casually likes both Turtles cartoons, I still had a good time with it. [7/10]

Recent Watches: TMNT (2007)

Despite dominating the kid pop culture sphere during the early nineties, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles seemed to vanish around the middle of the decade. Yet the World’s Most Fearsome Fighting Team never truly went away. The cartoon series ran until 1996, for an astonishing total of ten years. The comic was published in one form or another for most of the decade. A new cartoon launched in 2003, ran for seven years, but failed to capture the public’s imagination the way the original did. There was even a misbegotten live-action television series, though I'll forgive you for forgetting it. A new theatrical film was rumored for a long time, at one point taking the form of a CGI/live action combo directed by John Woo. However, a new movie didn’t solidify until animation studio Imagi decided to make a computer animated feature, titled simply “TMNT.”

Though sold as a reboot, “TMNT” is actually a stealth sequel to the previous films. At the story’s onset, the Turtles are in crisis. Leonardo has spent the last few years in South America, helping out locals in need. Back home, Raphael has assumed the identity of a vigilante called the Night Watcher. Donatello, meanwhile, works tech support while Michelangelo is a kid’s party entertainer. April O’Neil and Casey Jones have shacked up together. A plot involving the Foot Clan and an eccentric millionaire collecting ancient statues draws the Turtles back together.

Considering the Turtles have existed in illustrated form throughout their lifetime, it’s surprising no one had previously attempted an animated feature. This comes as both a blessing and a curse. In animated form, the Turtles’ adventures can have a scope previously unseen. The journey here is epic, spanning continents and eons. The action scenes are bigger than ever. At the end, the Turtles face a literal army of Foot Soldiers. One fight tumbles through every floor of a skyscraper. “TMNT” is easily the widest reaching of any of the features.

The problem is that “TMNT” was not animated by a major studio with a limitless budget. I’m not saying it’s a bad looking film. Light and rain water are utilized well. The animation on the main characters is generally good. However, a number of sequences feel too much like video game cut scenes. The models are occasionally weightless and the backgrounds can be flat. The designs for the Turtles and Splinter are neat but the human characters are uninspired and generic. It’s obvious the animators did the best they could with what they had. But this is not Pixar quality. At times, it’s not even DreamWorks quality.

I’m not super fond of the plot either. The screenwriters wanted to squeeze an entire season’s worth of characters into one movie. The antagonist of the film is billionaire Max Winters. Winters is actually an immortal warlord who, millennia ago, fought alongside a band of warriors. Warriors that got turned to stone when a special portal was opened that unleashed thirteen monsters. Winters gathers the statues back together, causing his stone warriors to spring to life. In order to regain their mortality, Winters must gather the monsters together and send them back to their home dimension. In order to pull this off, he’s enlisted the Foot Clan, now led by Karai, whom comic readers know as the Shredder’s eventual successor. Bringing in Karai is a natural decision, especially if this film is meant to follow the nineties films. But the rest of the plot? I nearly fell asleep typing that out. The plot is a generic fantasy quest with about three MacGuffins too many. The runtime is packed full of unique characters so there would be plenty of toy opportunities.

However, the bland storyline almost doesn’t matter. “TMNT” gets the important stuff right.  Leonardo’s self-doubt over his leadership skills has caused him to flee New York. Attempting to put the team back together is his primary struggle throughout the film. While the other brothers have tried to live professional lives, Raphael has never given up fighting crime. The rivalry between Leo and Raph is something every version of the series has touched on. However, for the first time, the two actually come to blows. Twenty years of anticipation pays off as the two strongest turtles fight on-screen. And it’s glorious. Not only is the fight easily the best moment in the film, it’s also full of feeling. Leo says some hurtful things as emotions boil over. Raph lets his anger take control, beating his brother into submission. Until he realizes what he has done, fleeing the scene, fighting back tears. Upon returning home, Raphael throws himself on Splinter’s mercy. As always, he is the forgiving father. The brotherly bond, and a willingness to forgive, has been at this franchise’s heart from the beginning. “TMNT” stays true to that tradition why moving into unseen territory.

Many animated films cast face actors over experienced voice actors. “TMNT” is only partially guilty of this. The roles of the Turtles are played by experienced voice actors. Many of which, like Nolan North as Raphael, do fine work. Celebs are cast in the various supporting roles. Mako is a fine Splinter, as the actor had years of experience playing wise old Asian men. Patrick Stewart has a strong enough voice to carry the thin role of Winters. However, some of the choices are questionable. Sarah Michelle Gellar gives an uneven performance, as she doesn’t always seem invested in the material. Chris Evans probably would have made a fine live-action Casey Jones. He can do palooka well. Zhang Ziyi, similarly, would have been great as Karai. However, neither have much vocal strength and both seem ill-suited to a voice only performances.

Okay, you could say that Donnie and Mikey get shafted. Like they always do. I miss April’s day job as a reporter. Oh, and the pop-punk filled soundtrack is atrocious. The plot may be nonsense. Yet “TMNT” is a solid addition to the series. The Turtles act as they should, Splinter gets to kick some ass, and the film still packs in some honest emotion. I like the film enough that I’m still disappointed that if failed to reignite Turtle Fever. Though successful, the teased sequel never came to be and Imagi shut down only a few years later. It’s a good start and could have led to great things. [7/10]

Recent Watches: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)

By 1993, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise continued to be enormously popular among kids. However, its total grasp on the kiddy zeitgeist was starting to slip. Critically acclaimed cartoon adaptations of popular superheroes, like “Batman: The Animated Series” and “X-Men,” had started to inch in on the Turtles’ established territory. The Ninja Turtles were no longer as hip among the playground crowd. These things I can attest to, as I was actually there. A few months after “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III” was released, the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers would premiere on American television, stealing the TMNT’s martial arts-flavored thunder and quickly eclipsing the older series in popularity. But before that happened, the Green Machine went back to theaters and back in time.

The film begins with the Heroes Four at ease, practicing via synchronized dance moves in their lair. April soon climbs down the ladder, baring gifts from a recent vacation to Japan. Among those gifts is a strange golden scepter. When holding it, April is thrown back in time to 17th century Japan. A Japanese prince is teleported to the modern day in her place. Determined to rescue their friend, the Turtles quickly figure out the mechanics of the magical device, heading into the past after her. Once in Edo era Nippon, the four turtles are embroiled in a plot involving an English trader selling guns to the samurai lord, eager to use the weapons in an upcoming war, something his son and the son's girlfriend are strictly against.

“Ninja Turtles III” is not well regarded by the franchise fandom. To put it mildly. Most consider the film the long-running series’ nadir. (Which isn’t very fair, considering this is a franchise where Venus and Carter are both things.) As a kid, I remember being disappointed in the film because the villain wasn’t Krang. Now that Shredder’s dead, that’s the second most important member of the TMNT’s rogue gallery, right? Or how about Baxter Stockman, Rat King, Leatherhead or Slash? I suspect I wasn’t alone in that disappointment. The film, instead, breaks wildly from Ninja Turtle canon, featuring an original story populated entirely with new characters. The film takes the characters out of their traditional urban setting, putting them in totally different time period. Hell, it’s a Ninja Turtles movie where ninjitsu plays a very small role. The Mutant Teens spent most of the film dressed as Samurais. Yet it’s not fair to judge Part III for what it isn’t.

So why do people hate this movie so much? The number one reason is doubtlessly the steep drop in quality concerning the special effects. The Jim Henson Creature Shop, who provided the fantastic suits for the last two films, passed on this one, leaving the effects duties to less disciplined hands. The animatronic heads are less expressive, with blockier faces and more exaggerated features. Whenever they have to talk or express emotion, the fakeness of the suits become apparent. The Turtles’ look more rubbery and their skin is dotted with odd liver spots. Splinter, meanwhile, is obviously a hand-puppet, as you never see his legs. While the last two films convinced you that these robotic creations were real characters, here they look like the unconvincing special effects they are.

There are other reasons “Ninja Turtles III” is considered the shitty one. The film has an obnoxious sense of humor. Throughout the entire film, the Turtles repeatedly drop random pop culture references, many of which have little relevance to the actual plot. There’s no reason for the characters to mention the Addams Family, Elvis, or Clint Eastwood and even fewer reasons for the film to find such references inherently hilarious. While the Turtles are in the past, Casey Jones has to take care of four ancient samurais in modern day New York. He does this by teaching them hockey and taking them out to a dance club, which leads to broad, embarrassing comedy. In the past, the Turtles obsess over Wet Willies and mock a fat dungeon master. It’s not sophisticated, is what I’m saying.

Moreover, the movie’s plot isn’t very interesting. Some consider the time travel device too far fetched but I don’t think that washes, considering the silly things Turtle fans do accept. Walker is a fairly generic bad guy, motivated by simple greed. The exact reasons he and Daimyo are working together aren’t elaborated on much. The looming threat of war is mostly kept off-screen. The film is also poorly paced. After arriving in the past, there are some action scenes with the Turtles attempting to rescue Mikey. After that, the story relaxes into a long, leisurely sequence of the Turtles hanging out in the village. Donnie is preoccupied with going home. Raph befriends a young child who he thinks is too serious. Mikey, meanwhile, starts to fall for Mitsu, the human samurai chick that is actually the time-displaced Kenshin’s love interest. Not until the very end, when the Turtles make their way back to the castle, does the plot begin to move again. And that plot is a fairly uninspired MacGuffin chase, the Turtles chasing after the scepter that can take them back home.

But I don’t hate “TMNT III” and am coming awfully close to calling it underrated. The film tries something different with the characters. The relationship Raphael forms with young Yoshi comes close to being touching, as it finds the turtle confronting his own anger. Michelangelo developing feelings for a human female might strike you as odd but it forms into an interesting storyline, especially when the turtle debates staying behind in the Feudal Japan. The story may be poorly paced but I appreciate the filmmakers attempting to tell a lower-key tale. Elias Koteas and Paige Turco are back and both give decent performances. Lame as the character may be, Stuart Wilson at least has some hammy fun as Walker. The action scenes are surprisingly well choreographed and features the Turtles using their weapons more then part 2 did.

The film still opened number 1 at the box office but didn’t have the staying power of the previous flicks. Despite plans for a fourth film, the series took an extended break from theaters. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III” is ultimately a failure but it’s an interesting failure that attempted to take the franchise in a different direction. It didn’t do it well but at least it tried. [5/10]

Recent Watches: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991)

Turtle-Mania peaked somewhere in the early nineties, with the cartoon soaring in the ratings, the toys flying off the shelves, and the Turtles’ faces slapped on every sort of merchandise imaginable, from backpacks to green slime filled dessert cakes. The first theatrical film fed off that excitement, being so successful that it was, for a time, the highest grossing independent film ever made. A sequel had to be made. And fast. Nearly exactly a year after the release of the original, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze” ninja-chopped its way into theaters.

The film is a direct sequel, picking up days after the first. The Ninja Teens are still running high on their victory over the Shredder, despite Splinter’s insistence that they stay focused on their studies. (And April’s hope that they move out of her apartment.) Shredder isn’t dead though, somehow having survived a seven-story drop into the back of a garbage truck. With an even more fucked-up face, Shredder pulls together the remains of the Foot Clan in order to exact revenge on the Turtles. That revenge takes the form of the radioactive ooze that birthed the Turtles in the first place. The bad guys steal the last of the ooze in order to create two more warrior mutants, the brutish but child-like Tokka and Rahzar. The same ooze leads the TMNT to understand their past more fully.

One of the things I admire about the original “Turtles” film is how deftly it balanced the goofiness of the popular cartoon show with the grittiness of the original comics. “Secret of the Ooze” has no such interest in balance. In the first film, the Turtles smash a light before attacking their foes, in order to avoid detection. In the opening minutes of this film, the team steps out in bright light, in full view of a normal human, dispatching their enemies with slapstick comedy. So much for the Art of Invisibility. In that first scene alone, Mikey fights off opponents with a yo-yo and sausage links. Meanwhile, Donnie pretends to be an inflatable clown and whacks a guy with a foam bat. That dire silliness infects the entire production. While attempting to grab the last of the mutagen away from the Foot Clan, the Turtles enact a casual game of football, surfing on office chairs. Previously, the Foot Clan was a serious threat and beat Raph nearly to death. This time, they’re a complete joke, not a single one putting up a decent fight. Tokka and Rahzar aren’t much of a threat either. Their childish minds make them easy to outsmart. The worst thing they do is knock down some telephone poles and flip a car. Even that scene is undermined by a pair of wise-cracking old people.

“The Secret of the Ooze” was rushed into production and that shows in its ramshackle plot. There are elements of the screenplay that works. The origin behind the mutagen, an accidental mixture of industrial chemicals, is satisfying. David Warner’s Professor Perry is a decent addition to the Turtle-verse. He actually advances the plot while having a personality. However, most of the plot seems thrown together. Shredder surviving his fate in the first film seems unlikely. The Turtles searching for a new home is a decent story turn but stumbling upon the abandoned train station is awfully convenient. The movie introduces a new character in the form of kung-fu pizza boy Keno. Keno, as played by an overly earnest Ernie Reyes Jr., is more annoying then endearing. He floats in and out of the film, disappearing for long stretches. Mostly, he exists to help Raph infiltrate the Foot, which promptly gets the Turtle captured. The heroes escape that trap too easily, Splinter randomly showing up to save the day, before willingly walking back into the Shredder’s lair. The gladiatorial combat between the Ninja Teens and Tokka and Rahzar is never delivered on. Every time it looks like the fight is about to click in, the movie is sidelined by slapstick ridiculousness.

The biggest indignity of all faces the Turtles in the last act. The Foot’s junkyard base is apparently located next to a hip-hop dance club, an unlikely proposition. The fight tumbles into the club where Vanilla Ice, that signifier of early nineties schlock, is performing. The patrons don’t flee from the fighting terrapins. Instead, the funky white boy improvises a rap about them and the club plays along. Tokka and Rahzar are easily defeated, as the Professor pulls a plot resolution out of his ass via some fire extinguishers. Despite the movie around him being a goofball comedy, the Shredder remained a serious villain. He grabs a female dancer and threatens to slash her throat, proving once again how ruthless guy he is. The Turtles’ response? Michelangelo performs a bitchin' keytar solo which causes a giant speaker to explode, launching the villain through a window and into the equally improbable dock outside. The film wraps up on the potentially cool idea of Shredder drinking the last of the ooze, transforming himself into the Super-Shredder. (Even if his armor mutating along with his body makes zero sense.) However, the neatness of that idea is undermined by the Turtles refusing to fight Super-Shredder and the villain ending his own life by needlessly collapsing the dock atop himself.

The film is a mess of campiness and squandered potential. Yet it still gets a few things right. The characterizations of the Turtles remain strong. A concept that reoccurs throughout every version of the franchise is Leo and Raph butting heads. Here, the head-strong Raphael wants to pursue the Foot Clan while Leonardo is more preoccupied with finding a new home. That rashness gets him in trouble, again, and after rescuing him, the brothers are reunited. Donatello was mostly Mikey’s comedic foil in the first film. Here, he gets a juicy character arc of not accepting the casualness of their origin. He is also more fully established as the one who does machine, as his techno know-how comes in handy a few times. I even prefer Adam Carl’s thoughtful vocal performance over Corey Feldman’s. I also like Paige Turco as April more then Judith Hoag. Turco seems more comfortable in the part. The creature effects are even better then last time too. The Turtles’ faces reach a new level of expressiveness. Tokka and Rahzar are memorably cartoonish in their designs as well.

“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze” is a lesser film than the first. The sloppy screenplay and an abundance of kid-friendly silliness sinks it. However, I can’t hate the movie. Any film that gifts the world of pop culture with a bit of ridiculous cheese like the Ninja Rap can’t be all bad. However, I have a lot less nostalgic affection for this one. Instead of playing off the original’s good example, it’s more-or-less the silly kid’s flick we expected the first one to be. [5/10]

Recent Watches: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

I was born during that magical time known as the late 1980s. Growing up in the early nineties, I was right in the target demographic for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles merchandising juggernaut. The Turtles are one of the earliest pop culture fads I can remember being invested in, though I don’t know how much that had to do with genuine interest and how much had to do with it being the popular kid thing of the day. In preparation for the new theatrical film, I’ve gone back and revisited the original Ninja Turtles cartoon. Which has made me realize the version of the Turtles I truly remember and have nostalgia for isn’t the goofy animated series but rather the live action film, simply known as "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

In theory, a live action Ninja Turtles movie sounds terrible. The premise behind the series, laid out in its title, is intentionally absurd, originally meant to mock the popular comic books trends of the time. Despite the comical premise, those original comics are fairly dark and violent. The theatrical film takes many cues from those original stories. The plot – which shows the Turtles’ first encounter with April O’Neil, Raphael meeting up with Casey Jones, the rivalry between Splinter and the Foot Clan, and the eventual showdown with the Shredder – is taken straight from the source material. Most of the far-out sci-fi elements of the cartoon are ejected. There’s no Krang, Dimension X, or Technodrome, while the Foot Clan are regular ninjas, instead of robots. By following the comics so closely, the film is lended a certain grittiness which helps the ridiculous premise go down easier. However, the filmmakers were smart enough to realize that the cartoon show, silly as it was, was the most popular incarnation of the characters. So April O’Neil is a nosy reporter, Michelangelo spouts surfer slang, the Turtles love pizza, and Leonardo’s swords drawl blood all of once. There’s even a few cute shout-outs to the show, in the form of April’s yellow trench coat or the heroes briefly tooling around in a VW van.

By blending elements of the comic and the cartoon, the film pulls off an impressive tonal balancing act. Though less violent then the comics, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie” is still considerably edgier then the Saturday morning cartoon show. Raphael shouts “Damn!” so much that it almost becomes his catchphrase. Unlike the cartoon, there are real risks involved here. The Foot intends on killing the Turtles, beating them savagely. They torture Splinter and burn down April’s antique shop. Shredder runs a miniature crime cartel and isn’t interested in loftier goals of world domination. Yet the film also indulges in the slapstick goofiness that regularly characterized the show. Michelangelo goofs around during the fight scene, spinning on his show during one moment. There’s even some silly sound effects, like when Donatello squirts water in the ninjas’ faces. The fight scenes are far-fetched enough that I’m honestly baffled that the film was criticized for its violence upon release.

What ultimately holds the whole movie together isn’t its mixture of grit and goof but its overarching sincerity. The film has a firm grasp on the Turtles’ personalities. Leonardo is the leader of the team. Though seemingly self-assured in his abilities, and easily holding the team together, he is still gripped with self-doubt. Raphael is less cool and rude then an active rage-oholic. Anger boils inside of him which he can only vent by beating up random street vigilantes. That same rage forces a schism between Raph and his brothers. Early on, during a surprisingly effective scene, Splinter reminds Raph that his family is there to help him through his strife. That emphasis on familial love and bonding forms the film’s heart. The rivalry between Leo and Raph drives the middle portion of the film and their eventual reconciliation creates a strong dynamic for the finale. The Turtles’ brotherly bond holds them together and Splinter’s fatherly love connects them. The four are reduced to tears when their father call out to them using mystical ninja joo-joo.

A lot of children's entertainment of the time had anti-crime message, encouraging kids to stay away from drugs and street gangs. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” has one of those too, yet never feels preachy or heavy-handed. The warehouse where the Foot Clan and its trainees hang out reminded me a lot of “Pinocchio’s” Pleasure Island. The teen boys play video games, pool, skate board, and dance to loud music. The limits of the PG rating prevent the sex and drugs from being on-screen but both are assumed by their absence. The film makes it clear that each of the kids in the Foot Clan have troubled home lives. Without laying it on too thick, the script points out that the kids’ angers are born of pain, rejection, and bitterness. Shredder and the Foot Clan, like many real life predators, preys on that vulnerability, creating a place where the boys feel love and accepted, all while indoctrinating them into a life of crime. The Ninja Turtles’ family bond gives them strength. The same sort of love and acceptance is what the troubled youths truly need and what Danny, the young boy that moves the plot along a few times, ultimately accepts by the end. The film doesn’t hammer home this moral, instead letting it breath naturally in the story.

Something people probably don’t talk about much is how good “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” looks. Director Steve Barron didn’t have the most notable resume before this, mostly directing music videos, previous Jim Henson productions, and cult classic “Electric Dreams.” Yet his “Ninja Turtles” is a handsome-looking film. The sets are beautifully constructed, subtly invoking the look of the original comics. There’s a surprising moodiness to Barron’s composition. The scene where Splinter or Raphael talk is filmed in intimate close-up, the room behind them dark. Shredder’s first appearance has his shadow dramatically cast on the floor. The way the camera emphasizes the sharp curves of his armor draws a direct line from Darth Vader to the Shredder. The villains’ final showdown with the heroes is seriously tense, moreso then you’d ever expect kids’ flick to be. Moreover, the special effects in the film are fantastic. The Turtle suits are beautifully realized. While watching, never once did I see the Turtles as anything other then living characters. They blink, smile, gasps, and talk seamlessly. Even the fight scenes are believably pulled off, which is impressive since I’m sure the actors inside the suits could barely see and move.

In conclusion, “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie” might be my favorite incarnation of the characters. More or less everything I associate with the franchise is proudly, and fantastically, represented here. Elias Koteas is perfectly cast as Casey Jones. The film moves along at a smooth rate, even allowing for quieter moments like the extended stay on the farm. Really, the only issue I can pick with the film is that Michelangelo and Donatello get the short stick as far as characterization goes. The movie has even aged fairly well, aside from a one-off reference to “Moonlighting” and some synth-clicking on the otherwise fantastic score. (Oh, and “Turtle Power,” I guess.) Maybe it’s the nostalgia talking, but I think it’s true now as it was when I was six years old: This movie is awesome. [8/10]