RECENT WATCHES: Terminator: Dark Fate (2019)

History repeats itself. In 2009, the “Terminator” franchise was revived with eyes towards creating a trilogy of films. The film failed to attract enough of a significant audience, being declared a box office failure. Despite this, in 2015, the “Terminator” franchise was revived again with eyes, once more, towards creating a new trilogy of films. This reboot also failed to attract enough ticket-buyers and did not launch a new expansion of the franchise. A mere three years later, another attempt has been made to reboot this time traveling killer robot saga. And, yes, “Terminator: Dark Fate” has also been a box office failure. It's almost as if the public isn't interested in a reboot of the “Terminator” franchise.

So why the hell did the Hollywood deal brokers and money men decide the world demanded a new “Terminator” film, despite all evidence pointing to the contrary? James Cameron regained the rights to the series in 2016. This prompted a desire to – as has become trendy – make a new sequel that would ignore the later films and instead focus on following up the originals people actually liked. “Dark Fate” was intended to be the real “Terminator 3.” Cameron would have a hand in writing the film, with “Deadpool” director and supposed “Terminator” super-fan Tim Miller directing. But you knew that already. Let's see if “Dark Fate” is the return to form some fans seem to think it is.

Yes, “Rise of the Machines,” “Salvation,” and “Genisys” have all been tossed in the trash. The year is 2019 and Judgment Day has never arrived. Mexican day laborer Dani Ramos goes about her life with her father and brother. That's when two figures appear from the future. The first is a human solider named Grace, whose body has been augmented with futuristic technology. The second is a new Terminator, a shapeshifter determined to exterminate Dani. Yet Dani and Grace, woefully unprepared to handle the present, is not alone. Soon, Sarah Connors – years after John was murdered by another rogue Terminator – arrives to assist the girl. “Carl,” a pacified T-800, also joins the battle against the unstoppable Rev-9.

“Dark Fate” endeavors to replicate the extended chase scene plotting of the original “Terminator.” Once the shape-shifting kill-bot arrives, our heroes rarely stop moving. The scenes of peace, such as Sarah getting to know our new heroes in a hotel room or Dani and the gang hanging out at “Carl's” house, are short stop-overs on an endless race towards the next action sequence. The pacing is almost always up-hill but the execution lacks the grim tension of Cameron's original. The result is a noisy experience that wares the audience down, instead of exciting or thrilling them.

In fact, there's almost nothing interesting about “Dark Fate's” story at all. The sequel presents a number of time travel shenanigans. SkyNet has been destroyed but the murderous robot filled future is still unavoidable, another entity called LEGION arising to bring ti about. Apparently, new Terminators have been arriving from never-to-be-fulfilled futures on a regular basis over the years. Instead of exploring the possibilities of this, of splintering time lines and alternate futures, “Dark Fate” just casually explains its set-up and starts running. What LEGION is or where it comes from is never expounded on. Say what you will about “Terminator Genisys,” an incredibly goofy motion picture that made absolute mince meat of the series' established lore, but at least it was ambitious. “Dark Fate” is satisfied to set up a totally new apocalypse that just happens to look and act exactly like all the previous apocalypses we've seen in this series.

In form and function, “Dark Fate” is basically a remake of the original “Terminator.” The familiar beats of a heroine and a futuristic protector running from a Terminator all appear. This lack of creativity is evident in the film's latest evil Terminator. It's absolutely gulling to me that it's been twenty-eight years since “Terminator 2” and nobody has been able to think of a better idea for a killer robot than the liquid metal T-1000. What gimmick differentiates the Rev-9 from all past Terminators? He has a robotic skeleton, like Arnold's original, that can separate from a nano-tech “skin,” both able to function as separate entities. Essentially, the Rev-9 is just a lazy mash-up of the first two Terminators. He attacks with guns or stabbing CGI tentacles, both of which are very boring. Surely, a person as creative and inventive as James Cameron could've come up with something cooler than
this? But I doubt Jim had as much input on the script as has been advertised.

“Deadpool” certainly suggested Tim Miller was capable of constructing a creative action scene. The dude is a former animator, after all, and brought that cartoon energy to the superhero film. Perhaps I gave him too much credit with that one though. Because the action direction in “Dark Fate” is weirdly terrible. The combat scenes are frequently a blur of CGI destruction. There's lots of slow-mo, of bodies being tossed through the air or dodging bullets, but it all feels totally weightless. Though the R-rating was much hyped, there's certainly nothing memorable or especially brutal about the violence here. In the second half, “Dark Fate” becomes totally incoherent. A long fight scene takes place in blurry water. A battle above a dropping airship is difficult to follow. There's more CGI mangling and indistinct destruction during the climax, which never seems to end. There's certainly nothing here to rival the police station massacre in the original or the aqueduct chase in “T2.”

So what is there to like about “Dark Fate?” Well, the cast is pretty good. Mackenzie Davis proves to be a surprisingly effective action hero. Though CGI effects allow Davis to perform all sorts of superhuman heroics, her performance is largely characterized by vulnerability. Grace has weaknesses too, her superpowers-granting battery running low quickly. This allows Davis to bring a great deal of humanity to the role. There's even a sweetness at times, as she attempts to bond with Dani. Natalia Reyes is also decent as Dani, even if the character's transformation into a solider is never believable. (Which has more to do with the script than Reyes.)

And, of course, there's always Arnold Schwarzenegger. Much like in “Genisys,” Schwarzenegger appears here as an aging Terminator that has integrated into human society. This time, “Carl” has become rather human in his personality, even marrying a woman and providing for a step-son. Naturally, any scene of Arnold playing the Terminator as a deadpan Dad figure is absolutely delightful. This, unsurprisingly, proves to be the highlight of “Dark Fate.” Linda Hamilton returns to Sarah Connor as a woman practically broken, who survives only for revenge at this point. Sarah's character arc, of learning to live for something actually breathing, is never especially earned. However, watching Hamilton be a grizzled bad-ass, casually deploying a bazooka or grenades, is deeply entertaining.

There's a half-assed attempt at social commentary here. The heroine is Mexican, the Terminator disguises himself as an immigration officer, and crossing the border factors into the plot. But it's hard to care too much about that when the plot is uninteresting and the action is deeply uninvolving. “Dark Fate” is the first “Terminator” movie to be a full-blown bomb, as “Salvation” and “Genisys” at least broke even. Yet I suspect the “Terminator” brand is destined to be back. (Though probably not as a streaming series or something and not a big budget movie.) Producers clearly believe this franchise has too much name recognition to let rest forever. So it looks like we'll be haunted by mediocre “Terminator” spin-offs until Judgment Day finally arrives for real. [5/10]

Director Report Card: Paul Verhoeven (1990)

9. Total Recall

Despite frequently authoring science fiction that is overly cerebral and sometimes even surreal, not the most friendly terms to movie producers, the works of Philip K. Dick has seen quite a few film adaptations. Though “Blade Runner” is the gold standard, “Total Recall” is usually the second Dick adaptation people think of. Adapted from the short story “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale,” the film had a long production history. Super producer Dino de Laurentiis wanted to make it back in the eighties, where it first crossed the desk of an intrigued Arnold Schwarzenegger. (Laurentiis thought Arnold was all wrong for the movie, by the way. He wanted Patrick Swayze to star.) When the movie was made, it was nearly directed by David Cronenberg, who worked on it for a year. Arnold had a heavy investment in the movie. After being impressed by “RoboCop,” he wanted to work with Paul Verhoeven. So once Cronenberg walked, the Dutch Madman was hired. “Total Recall” provided Verhoeven with another opportunity to create a hyper-violent action movie with sneaky, often overlooked intelligence hiding under the surface.

In the distant future, brain surgery is an in-and-out procedure, robots and holograms are everyday technology, and man has colonized Mars. None of this affects Douglas Quaid much, a normal construction worker with an average life and an average wife. However, Quaid dreams of a mysterious woman and adventures on Mars. He learns about Rekall, a company that will implant memories into the mind. Quaid purchases a secret agent adventure on Mars. When the chip goes in, however, Quaid start screaming about how he’s a really a secret agent. Soon, men are after him, trying to kill him. Quaid gets his ass to Mars, looking to uncover the mystery of what’s going on, all the while wondering if this is really happening or if it’s a memory transplant gone wrong.

With “RoboCop,” Paul Verhoeven sneaked a subversive satire of American politics inside a bone-crunching action film which doubled as an intelligent, personal science fiction film. “Total Recall” carefully walks a similar line. On the surface, it looks like just another Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, another action adventure where the brawny Austrian murders a bunch of bad guys, albeit in even more brutal ways then usual. Some critics dismissed the movie as just that at the time. However, “Total Recall” is also a cerebral mind-bender, questioning the very nature of reality, identity, and memory. Throughout the viewers is left to wonder whether what Quaid is going through is actually happening or is an extended delusion. This leaves a viewer wondering about the malleability of memories and our perception of reality. The film leaves audiences thinking and asking question. All of this is accomplished without sacrificing the brutal, crowd-pleasing action.

As a science fiction film, “Total Recall” had an especially impressive pedigree. Look at this list: The director of “RoboCop,” the star of “The Terminator,” the writers of “Alien,” adapted from the author of “Blade Runner,” with the special effects guy behind “The Thing.” Unsurprisingly, the film has become a modern classic of the sci-fi genre. It certainly looks like a classic. The movie effectively creates a future world. Many of the sci-fi gadgets, like the holograms, silly future cars, or hilarious robot cabs, look a little campy today. However, the future of “Total Recall” is just close enough to our reality to be believable. The full body x-ray machines, an iconic image, are only slightly more invasive then our current airport security measures. Once the film gets its ass to Mars, the production designs ramp up even more, creating an appropriately unearthly orange glow and making use of some great miniatures.

With “RoboCop,” Paul Verhoeven made probably the goriest mainstream action film produced up to that point. With “Total Recall,” he topped himself. Every time someone is shot, enormous bloody holes are blown through their chests, their bodies flailing wildly as they die. But “RoboCop” wasn’t just a hideously violent action movie and neither is “Total Recall.” Through this lens, Verhoeven can satirize male power fantasies, so the faithful wife is actually an evil bitch and the bland day job is a cover for a glamorous life as a secret agent. Quaid, previously an average joe, is suddenly murdering goons with ease, cracking necks and blasting them to pieces. What would be an ordinary chase scene is undermined by the goofy robot driver making snide asides the whole time. The airport shoot-out features one of the film’s cleverest gag, including a woman literally big enough for Arnold to hide inside. A human shield is worked over so much, he resembles Swiss cheese. Verhoeven certainly had a good time making this one.

“Total Recall” was one of the most expensive movies ever made at the time. That budget is all up on the screen, with excellent sets and special effects, not a one of which is dated. Let’s talk about Rob Bottin’s fantastic effects. When David Cronenberg worked on “Total Recall,” he added the very Cronenberg-esque element of a bunch of mutants living on Mars, cast-offs from the cruel mining company. Bottin was more then capable to create an entire colony of Martian mutants. The most famous of which is Kuato. He’s an inspired creation, a malformed, fetus-like creature with a wisp of greasy hair, growing from a man’s chest. In most any other film, Kuato would be a villain. Instead, he’s a soft spoken freedom fighter. The psychic incursion into Quaid’s mind is one of the more lyrical effects in the film. There’s Tony, a tough guy with a swirling tumor covering his face. He has a wife and daughter with a similar condition. One of my favorites is Benny, with his hidden, insectoid arm. And let’s not overlook Mary, the three-breasted hooker that would launch an entire genre of creepy internet porn. In brief, Bottin’s work is as excellent as ever and I admire the film for making mutant freaks the good guys.

Aside from Kuato and his band of freakish cohorts, the second most memorable effects gag from the movie are what happens to people’s heads in the atmosphere of Mars. Their skin stretches, their eyes bulging out of their heads, tongues bobbing back and forth like a bloated tick. It’s cartoonish, grotesque, and unforgettable. It’s not the only stretchy skin featured in the movie. A high-light of the film is the conversation Arnold has with himself. Taken instructions from a recording of Hauser, Quaid pulls a bright red tracker out through his nose. This is “Total Recall” at its funniest. Along with the hilarious, circular dialogue, the image of Arnold pulling a big red bulb out of his nose is intentionally humorous. 

The film’s blood-splattered action doesn’t run low in the last act. There’s a suspenseful chase through the Martian tunnels, which concludes with a giant drilling device and Arnold cracking a bad pun. The final third has Arnold blowing away dozens of identical henchmen, their blood and guts flying everywhere. The Austrian superstar is as jovial as ever, cracking jokes and making good use of a hologram machine. The ending of the film, where our hero fulfills his destiny and saves Mars is especially satisfying. And the blue skies on Mars is certainly an unforgettable image.

Which brings me to Arnold Schwarzenegger. By the time of “Total Recall,” the former Mr. Olympia was the biggest movie star in the world. Arnold had been wildly successful enough and properly iconic enough to start playing with his own image. As the film begins, Quaid is a seemingly normal guy, despite looking like Arnold and being married to Sharon Stone. Part of the plot has him discovering that he’s actually a secret agent. However, as he sees more of Hauser, his true identity, via pre-recorded message, he decides Hauser is a “fucking asshole.” During moments like this, I begin to wonder: Is Arnold making fun of himself? Think about the way Quaid tosses around perfect one-liners like “Consider dat a divorce!” or “See you at da party, Richta!” Look at the sheer severity of the violence, as Verhoeven pushes the film’s content as far as it can go. Under the right light, “Total Recall” is actually a full-bloodied satire of the kind of movie’s Arnold usually makes. And because Arnold has always been more self-aware then some give him credit for, he has a ball in the part. “Total Recall” is a great Arnold Schwarzenegger movie but also an interesting variation on the actor’s stock roles.

As in “RoboCop,” Verhoeven also creates an impressive cast of bad guys. Ronnie Cox plays Cohaagen, a similar role to Dick Jones. Both are corrupt corporate bosses, abusing their powers for nefarious deeds. Cohaagen wants to control Mars and crush the radicals. Oddly, he’s also partially motivated by protecting the planet, as he believes activating the Martian reactor could destroy all life. Cox is great but is almost overshadowed by Michael Ironside as his primary henchmen, Richter. Ironside brings the steely-eyed intensity to the part you’d expect, playing Richter as a blood-thirty psychopath more than happy to kill for his boss. It’s probably the ultimate Ironside part, a distillation of the many villains and hard-asses he’s played before and since. Rounding out the trio of bad guys is Mel Johnson Jr. as the turn coat Benny. Despite being a rat bastard, Benny is likable, mostly because of his repeated references to his multiple children and his matter-of-fact opinion towards employment.

The film also presents Arnold with two love interests. The first of which is Sharon Stone as Lori, Quaid’s wife. The part plays to Stone’s strengths as an actress. Lori is vindictive and gleefully evil, taking great pleasure in turning on her “husband.” Despite being a treacherous bitch, Stone still has more chemistry with Schwarzenegger then Rachel Ticotin as his actual love interest. This is partially by design. Ticotin plays Melina, Quaid’s literal dream woman. She’s the perfect partner for him, as heroic as Quaid is but also in end of a man’s assistance. However, she’s scrubbed clean, without much grit or character to her personality. I guess it goes to show that a dream woman is probably boring to anyone not having the dream.

“Total Recall” ends on an ambiguous note. The true ending of the film is up to the viewer. Either every thing that happened is real or Quaid is imaging the whole thing, part of his Rekall trip gone wrong. If you believe it, after the final fade to white, he has a seizure and dies. I don’t think there’s a definitive answer to the question of whether the story is a dream or a reality. The ambiguity is the point. However, here’s my take on things. Before the mental implant is injected into Quaid, the lab tech mentions how the program ends with “Blue skies on Mars.” You’ll notice, this is how the actual movie ends. Before Quaid is injected, he’s in every scene, living his ordinary life. After he’s injected, the camera cuts away for the first time. Suddenly, we’re following other characters. Almost as if we’re watching a movie… Or the movie-influenced dream of someone imaging what it’s like to be a spy and a Martian freedom fighter. Things get increasingly more outlandish from here, with the mutants and the bloody explosions. And then Quaid literally meets the woman of his dream. Now, maybe he was dreaming about Melina because he had already meet her, in his life as Hauser. Or maybe this is another part of the Rekall program. I, for one, believe most of the movie is a fantasy, ending with our hero having a deadly seizure. But feel free to interrupt another way.

“Total Recall” would become a big hit, one of the last edgy, R-rated action flicks to hit big with audiences in the nineties. It’s another classic for Arnold, featuring the actor doing what he does best. However, it was also a success for Verhoeven, proving that the Dutch auteur had a future making action/sci-fi flicks that double as perfect example of that genre and savvy deconstructions. A classic like “Total Recall” was bound to have an afterlife. There was a forgotten TV show and a flaccid remake. The original, however, towers over both, the insistence to get yer ass to Mars still echoing through the pop culture sphere to this day. [Grade: A-]

NO ENCORES: Christmas in Connecticut (1992)

1. Christmas in Connecticut (1992)
Director: Arnold Schwarzenegger

2016's Christmas movie marathon began with “Christmas in Connecticut” and so it ends with “Christmas in Connecticut.” I've made no secret of my fandom of Arnold Schwarzenegger. Like many actors, Schwarzenegger decided he wanted to try directing. Considering how controlling Arnold has always been of his image, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. The year was 1992, when the Austrian superstar was at the height of his popularity and success. At that point, he probably could've directed any type of movie. For some reason, Arnold's feature directing debut was a straight-to-cable remake of a mostly forgotten Christmas flick from the forties. Aside from a mediocre episode of “Tales from the Crypt,” it is Schwarzenegger's only directorial credit.

Schwarzenegger's “Christmas in Connecticut” attempts to update the original's premise for the cynical nineties. Barbara Stanwyck's Elizabeth Lane becomes Dyan Cannon's Elizabeth Blane. Instead of being a famous food writer, now she's the host of a popular cooking show. But Elizabeth is still a fraud, who is good at smiling for the camera but can't actually cook. Jefferson Jones transforms from a war hero to a park ranger, who daringly rescued a missing boy during a blizzard. Jones' cabin burns down and Blane's cookbook is the only surviving artifact. This gives Elizabeth's sleazy manager an idea. Jones will be invited onto a live Christmas special, where Blane will cook a meal for a “family” made up of actors. What nobody counted on was Elizabeth and Jones falling for each other, causing the cracks in the deception to show.

Some of the changes the remake makes are reasonable. Elizabeth shifting from a popular author to a television personality is a perfect update. A live Christmas broadcast props up the elaborate lie better. The remake sensibly cuts the love triangles, missing babies, and police chases present in the original. It keeps a few key scenes, involving a bathed infant and a flipped pancake. Yet some of the other choices seem odd. Changing Jones into a heroic park ranger, instead of a lauded hero, unnecessarily complicates the story. Making Jones a liar too – he isn't actually a fan of Elizabeth's cook books – makes for a nice thematic parallel on paper. In execution, it makes both lead characters seem like jerks. And that live broadcast conclusion? It comes off as more cartoonish then intense.

What made the original “Christmas in Connecticut” so likable was the chemistry between Barbara Stanwyck and Dennis Morgan. The remake slots Dyan Cannon and Kris Kristofferson into the same parts. Cannon has decent comedic timing, showing an amusing energy during the film's more manic moments. Kristofferson doesn't have Morgan's leading man charm. Instead, he employs the stoic toughness seen in most of his acting. Dyan and Kris play off of each other decently. They share a convincing smile or kiss occasionally. Ultimately, the script brings the two together in a way that isn't natural. Krisofferson's acceptance of the deception is too easy.

On the comedy end of things, Arnold's “Christmas in Connecticut” has nothing on the original. The screwball humor of the original is replaced with a collection of shrill supporting characters. Sydney Greenstreet and Reginald Gardiner's characters are combined into Tony Curtis' Alexander Yardley. Curtis crudely, grossly hits on Cannon throughout the film, while generally mugging it up. The actors recreated to be Elizabeth's family are all obnoxious characters. Such as the method actor playing her son-in-law. He's currently prepping to play a serial killer and gruffly mumbles sinister things at inappropriate times. Or the annoying son-of-a-bitch playing the grandson, a chubby kid who screams constantly, shoots people with a squirt gun, and accepts bribes for good behavior. His big act during the ending involves puking on-screen and wrecking a Christmas tree.

The script creates cheesy bonding moments for Elizabeth and Jefferson. Such as a botched hunting trip, which lays down some dramatic cards too early. They cut down a Christmas tree together, in an especially treacly moment full of slow-motion. Scenes devoted to dancing or sled riding are equally contrived. The actors are okay but the film lingers too much on these moments, raising the stakes to artificial, syrupy levels. There's none of the light humor or genuine chemistry that made the 1944 version successful. In its place are eye-roll worthy moments of overly cheesy romance.

How does Arnold Schwarzenegger fare as a director? Not too hot. His visual composition is fairly flat. There's not too much cinematic about the remake. 1992's "Christmas in Connecticut" often feels like the cheap television affair it was. The director frequently peppers scenes with slow motion, montages, and close-ups. These moments are backed up by an incredibly chintzy musical score, which just emphasizes how corny the film is. I don't know if the decision to contrast broad comedy with goopy romance was Arnold's idea but his ham-fisted execution certainly didn't help any. Perhaps uncontrollably, Schwarzenegger included several in-jokes about his career.  Arnold has a brief cameo, the film pausing to linger on his immediately recognizable voice. “Twins” is seen on television in the background. The most prominent, and groan worthy, in-joke involves a character donning sunglasses and a leather jacket before croaking “I'll be back.”

It's not like “Christmas in Connecticut” was an untouchable classic. It was an entertaining, likable flick with room for improvement. A remake could've been really cool. But the 1992 “Christmas in Connecticut” aims low, underwhelming the audience in just about every way. It doesn't even match the original's Christmas-y atmosphere. Arnold Schwarzenegger, god love him, doesn't show much aptitude for directing. So it's probably best he would never helmed another feature film. [5/10]

THE SYLVESTER SEMESTER PART II: Escape Plan (2013)

Once upon a time, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were bitter rivals. As the two biggest action stars of the eighties, they was naturally some competition between them. Stallone himself has commented on how much he resented the Austrian superstar’s success. Eventually, that animosity would cool and the two would become friends. After all, they did launch Planet Hollywood together. Arnold even appeared in supporting roles in Sly’s “Expendables” series. With “Escape Plan,” the two nostalgic titans of action co-starred in a film together. Like many of the throwback action flicks in recent years, the film would flop domestically before becoming a big hit overseas.

Ray Breslin has spent his entire life in prison. On purpose. Breslin is placed into various prisons by the government and is paid to break out of them, exposing exploitable flaws in the system. Thus far, he has managed to escape from every prison he’s been in. For his latest mission, he’s abducted by masked men, placed in a helicopter and wakes up in a seemingly inescapable fortress called the Tomb. The Tomb is a prison based off Breslin's own designs. Teaming up with a fellow in-mate called Emil Rottmayer, Ray faces his greatest challenge, trying to escape the Tomb and avoid its sadistic warden.

It goes to show how astray the movie-going public has gone when a movie starring Sly and Arnold, formerly two of the biggest stars in the world, can underperform domestically. For action nerds, seeing the two stars together is a dream come true. “Escape Plan” acknowledges its leads' mythic status. Stallone’s Breslin is introduced being an intellectual badass. Arnold’s Emil gets a grand introduction. More then once, the film finds an excuse so the two guys can fight. Yet the stars aren’t just cashing paychecks. Sly is engaged with the material, making Breslin a likable guy who is always thinking and scheming. Arnold, meanwhile, is exhilarating. He’s all grins, bringing an impressive energy to the part. A moment, where he rants in German while locked in solitary confinement, is electrifying. (It’s also one of the few times Arnold spoke his native language on-screen.) Moreover, the two are great together, like in the scene where they give humiliating nicknames to the various faceless guards. It’s not high art but it’s clear both performers are having a blast, elevating a screenplay that was already pretty good.

That’s right, “Escape Plan” is surprisingly well written. Oh, it’s ridiculous. You can guess early on which one of Breslin’s associates has betrayed him. The various methods Ray uses to escape are as unlikely as the ones used to imprison him. You have to accept these things. Yet “Escape Plan” is shockingly well structured and paced. Watching the heroes figure out ways around and out of these seemingly inescapable scenarios is compelling. Probably my favorite scene in “Escape Plan” has Ray enacting a convoluted series of events to escape from solitary confinement, pumping bolts with a hand mirror and climbing up the insides of the prison's wall. The reveal about where the Tomb is located is pulled off fantastically. I was half expecting the place to be on the moon or something. Though goofy on its face, “Escape Plan” handles its story seriously, drawing the audience in.

For most of its run time, “Escape Plan” functions more like a thriller, acting solidly within the expected boundaries of the prison genre. There’s the evil warden, the sadistic guards, the rivalries within the block, gang members, and a prison riot before it’s over. In its last act though, “Escape Plan” becomes a joyous homage to the eighties action movies that made Sly and Arnie famous. Stallone is running and gunning through the innards of the prison. He beats up Vinnie Jones. The absolutely best moment in the film occurs when Schwarzenegger picks up a giant machine gun and starts mowing down bad guys. By the end, Sly is cracking one-liners and causing giant explosions. It’s a lot of fun.

Stallone and Schwarzenegger are clearly the stars of the show. However, “Escape Plan” puts together a solid supporting cast. Jim Caviezel plays Hobbes, the warden with a clear grudge against Breslin. Adapting a vocal pattern reminiscent of Christopher Walken, Caviezel has a sinister twinkle in his eye as a comic book-style villain. Vinnie Jones’ guard is introduced beating an in-mate to death. Jones, who has made a career of playing heavies, certainly has no problem playing another vicious psychopath. Sam Neill has a surprise appearance as the prison’s doctor, bringing some gravitas to a nothing part. Vincent D’Onofrio plays another sleazy businessman type, happily hamming it up. The only distracting supporting player is Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, cast against type as a computer hacker. Fiddy mugs furiously, facially and vocally, totally taking the audience out of the film every time he appears.

Maybe one of the reasons why I like “Escape Plan” so much is because I really didn’t expect it to be good. Plopped down in a non-extraordinary October release, with few positive reviews to its name, it’s not surprising it did poor business here in the States. Going in with few expectations revealed a movie that mixes smart and dumb in the best way, a ridiculous if compelling thriller that transforms into a supremely entertaining action flick. That’s a good thing. It’s less winking then “The Expendables” flicks and clearly isn’t a passion project like Sly’s “Rocky” or “Rambo” revivals. The middle ground between those axises – a really fun pop corn muncher – is an alright place to be. [7/10]

[THE STALLOWNAGE OF SLY: 3 outta 5]
[] Frank Stallone or Frank Stallone-esque Inspirational Music
[X] Incapacitates or Kills Someone With His Body
[] Shows Off Buffness
[X] Social Outcast [New Prison Inmate]
[X] Sweaty, Veiny Yelling


 

Director Report Card: Ivan Reitman (1994)

10. Junior

I’m sure there was some validity to the idea, initially. “Hey, people liked “Twins” and “Kindergarten Cop!” Let’s get the stars and director back together for one more!” Reasonable enough. Both of Ivan Reitman’s previous collaborations with Arnold Schwarzenegger had easily grasped high concept premises. “Arnold and Danny DeVito are twins!” “Arnold teaches a kindergarten class!” Yet “Junior’s” easily summarized log line is perhaps where the film went wrong. This is a movie about Arnold Schwarzenegger becoming pregnant. And giving birth. To a human child. Somebody, somewhere, should have stepped back and said “Hey, Ivan, I’m not so sure about this one!” If “Junior” had even a third of the charm of either of the other two Schwarzenegger/Reitman joints, maybe the film could overcome that awful premise. This is not the case and “Junior” continues to persists as a baffling experiment in nineties comedy.

Dr. Alexander Hesse and Dr. Larry Arbogast, a geneticist and obstetrician, have created a new drug called “Expectane,” meant to prevent miscarriage and make women more fertile. The trials on chimpanzees have been so successful that even a male monkey became pregnant. Yet the F.D.A. hasn’t approved the drug and Alex and Larry are soon kicked out of their lab. Determined to prove the product works, Hesse becomes his own test subject. Expectane works too well and Alexander becomes pregnant, a human embryo growing inside him. The hormonal effect is such that he bonds with the unborn fetus, determined to carry it to term.

By 1994, Arnold Schwarzenegger had become more than willing to embrace the “Tough Guys in Tutus” subgenre, having pioneered it himself. By that point in his career, subversion of his action hero persona were becoming more common than straight examples. “Junior” extends the Tough Guys in Tutus concept far pass its limited breaking point. The film not only has Arnold doing uncharacteristic things, such as wearing brightly colored shirts or chasing after rugrats, but fully emasculates him. The toughest action star in the world gives birth, an act so unmanly that a man can’t physically do it.

If “Junior” set out to poke fun at Arnold’s image or make a statement about gender roles, none of that is evident in the final film. “Junior” is totally devoid of laughs. The film’s idea of a joke seems to be having Arnold simply do something effeminate. For example, he comments on how sensitive pregnancy has made his nipples. Or how soft his skin suddenly is. His voice softens, he becomes overly attached to the child inside him, and demands Larry’s attention in a cutesy manner. There’s no actual jokes here, just simply written scenarios that anyone could have come up with, stripped of any absurdity or chuckles.

The idea of a man giving birth has been explored in fiction before. Thanks to the internet, we now know that some people have even turned it into a fetish. As any mother can attest too, pregnancy and giving birth is not an easy act. To a man, many aspects of birth seem outright horrifying. Truthfully, only a little tinkering is necessary to transform “Junior” into a horror movie. “Junior” too rarely acknowledges the body horror of this scenario. Arnold has a frankly terrifying nightmare in which he is presented with a child with his screaming, scrunched face. In the last act, Dr. Hesse’s child is tangled inside his small intestine. While that raises a truckload of questions, mostly I wonder how literally gut-splittingly painful that must be. Look, I know “Junior” is a comedy. I don’t expect the film to linger on the extensive changes a male body would have to undergo while pregnant. Yet strictly whimsical probably wasn’t the best choice for this story.

My fandom of Arnold Schwarzenegger has come up many times before. There are few performers I find more fascinating. Look at the 1759 words I wrote about “Twins,” many of them devoted to how much I like Arnold’s performance. The man’s charm knows no limits and can, and has, made the most dire material entertaining. The first act of “Junior’ has Arnold affecting an intentionally flat delivery. He is a strict scientist, not well liked by most of his co-workers. After becoming pregnant, Dr. Hesse’s demeanor changes entirely. He is goofy, moody, and emotional. Much of the comedy is devoted to Schwarzenegger’s idea of a “girly man,” mincing and gripping. Look, Arnold is seemingly incapable of being embarrassed by any material. Even with a script as dismal as “Junior,” he remains committed and upbeat. Yet not even the Austrian Oak’s infinite affability is enough to save “Junior.”

Considering how winning the combination was in “Twins,” re-teaming Schwarzenegger and DeVito must have seemed irresistible. “Junior” does not have DeVito expanding too far pass his established persona. Even as a respected doctor, Danny DeVito still plays a bit of a conman. He swipes a female co-worker's cryonically frozen eggs. He seems to relish presenting a sperm donor with a selection of pornography. For a lengthy portion of the film, DeVito believes his ex-wife has been impregnated by a member of Aerosmith, a relatively absurd subplot. These issues aside, Danny and Arnold still share fantastic chemistry. The script may make it look like they’re playing the weirdest gay couple ever but simple scenes of the two chatting have more charm than anything else in the movie.

Emma Thompson is an extraordinarily talented performer, especially in comedy where her effortless combination of effervescent charm and complete lack of fear goes far. Unfortunately, Thompson is not well utilized in “Junior.” Her character is Arnold’s love interest, a scientist whose egg unknowingly provides the baby Schwarzenegger. Yes, she’s the mother of his child. Instead of giving Thompson’s character a real personality, the script makes her massively clumsy. She’s introduced by riding a giant machine into the lab. Later, she tosses a lobster claw across a sea food restaurant. A make-out session with Arnold results in them tumbling over a couch. It’s extremely broad physical comedy, not becoming of Thompson, and gives her little to work with.

Aside from Arnold and DeVito, Reitman would bring back two other actors he had worked with before for “Junior.” As in “Dave,” Frank Langella plays the bad guy. The two parts are very similar. In both films, Langella plays an authority figure that should be reasonable. Instead, he’s a two-dimensional villain, attempting to foil the heroes’ plan for no discernible reason. Langella doesn’t even have as much to do here as he did in “Dave,” as his part is much smaller. Pamela Reed, last seen as Arnold’s partner in “Kindergarten Cop,” appears here as DeVito’s ex-wife. Both characters have a tendency to over-eat, though her character has the excuse of being pregnant. Reed is actually funny, being one of the film’s few bright spots even if she’s basically reprising her “Kindergarten Cop” role.

Like “Kindergarten Cop,” “Junior” is not satisfied with just being a goofball comedy. Instead, the film has an unsightly maudlin streak. As Dr. Hesse hangs out in a clinic for pregnant women, he sniffs flowers. He writes romantic letters back home to Emma Thompson’s character, telling her how much he loves her. The sequence where the baby is born is not play for utterly absurd comedy, as it should’ve been. Instead, the film attempts to play it straight, Arnold struggling during the birth. When the baby is safely delivered, somehow, he holds his child with pride. It’s astonishing that a movie this dumb, this bizarre, would try to play its central gimmick for anything but bemused laughter.

To its benefit, “Junior” does generate one or two laughs, the thinnest wisps of chuckles. Pamela Reed gets most of these. When she gives birth, she happily declares she needs drugs. The biggest laugh in “Junior” have nothing to do with the material and everything to do with Arnold screaming like a madman, something that is inherently hilarious. Such as when he goes into labor and groans “Oh shit!” When visiting the aforementioned clinic, Schwarzenegger goes in drag and pass himself as a former female Olympiad, forever changed by steroids. These are not big laughs and certainly not sophisticated ones. But in a humor barren landscape like “Junior,” you take what you can get.

The musical score for “Junior” is from James Newton Howard, also returning from “Dave.” Howard’s music is as flowery and overblown as his music for Reitman’s previous film. Once again, the composer manages to capture that unmistakable “nineties comedy” sound. “Junior” is, if you can believe this, an Oscar nominated film. The theme song, “Look What Love Has Done,” snagged a nomination for Best Original Song. Sang by Patty Smyth, who should definitely not be confused with Patti Smith, it’s an incredibly earnest pop-romance number. Considering the movie it’s attached to, the incongruity is staggering. The piano-driven melody and Smyth’s throaty vocals are kind of catchy, even if the song itself is fairly generic and the title sounds like a threat.

Amazingly, “Junior” was financially successfully, grossing 106 million against a 60 million dollar budget. The reviews, however, where much less certain. Some critics, including a surprisingly enthusiastic Roger Ebert, liked the film. Others were baffled. Since then, “Junior” has acquired an ironic cult following for being the most miscalculated of Arnold’s forays into comedy. Even as an enthusiastic fan of Schwarzenegger, very little about “Junior” works. It’s creepy, not cute. Off-putting, not charming. Lacking in laughs, not funny. There are many things I’m willing to watch Arnold Schwarzengger do but give birth to a baby is not one of them. [Grade: D]

Director Report Card: Ivan Reitman (1990)

8. Kindergarten Cop

After “Twins” proved to be a bigger hit then anyone expected, Ivan Reitman and Arnold Schwarzenegger returned to familiar territory. Reitman literally returned to a previous story with “Ghostbusters II” and Arnold made another violent genre film with “Total Recall.” However, the two obviously enjoyed working together. It wouldn’t be long before the Austrian Oak and the Canadian comedy maker re-teamed. As with “Twins,” the film would play against Schwarzenegger’s established tough guy image. “Kindergarden Cop” would go even further in that direction, saddling the action icon with a room full of rugrats.

Detective John Kimble is a bad ass super-cop on the trail of bad guy Cullen Crisp. After pursuing Crisp and his equally villainous mom for years, Kimble gets a clue that Crisp is after his ex-wife. The cops don’t know what the woman, or her young son, look like but they do know they’re living in Astoria, Oregon. The plan is for Kimble’s female partner to go undercover as a kindergarten teacher, slowly discovering who the target is, hopefully finding Crisp soon afterwards. However, Kimble’s partner is struck with a sudden case of food poisoning. Meaning the giant, muscular cop has to go undercover. Though used to shooting creeps and cleaning up the streets, Kimble is not so used to the unique challenges of a room full of four-year-olds.

The beginning of “Kindergarten Cop” doesn’t hint much at the sillier comedy to come. Arnold first appears with a three-day stubble, dark sunglasses, a trench coat, and a shotgun in hand. He storms into a filthy drug den, shooting at goons and blowing away a couch. He cracks cheesy one-liners, such as “I’m da party poopa!” He intimidate and retrieves key witnesses while pursuing the bad guy doggedly. The only hint that “Kindergarten Cop” isn’t going to be the usual Arnold shenanigans is that the comedy is a little more self-aware then usual. (Well, and the title too.) Those expecting the usual over-the-top violence associated with Schwarzenegger films will be disappointed. Soon, the action icon is teamed up with a blatantly comedic partner, feeling sad about his estranged son, and handling a pet ferret.

Of course, contrasting Arnold’s usual action movie behavior with a roomful of silly little kids is entirely the point of “Kindergarten Cop.” Schwarzenegger fans would probably prefer to watch him killing people and cracking lame one-liners. However, the movie gets decent mileage out of the Austrian superstar screaming at kindergartners. As you’d expect, Kimble is set up as hating kids. He sternly curses at a pair of rambunctious youngster on a plane. When he first enters the classroom, the little kids are nonplussed by his intimidating behavior. They act like… Well, kindergartners. “Kindergarten Cop” has exactly one joke, that a super-hard cop is unprepared to handle the stresses of a kindergarten class. But it’s a pretty good one. It’s difficult to undersell the amusement value of Arnold screaming like a crazy person, yelling “SHUT UP!” and denying that he has a tumah.

However, even a funny movie would have difficult stretching that joke to feature length. So, inevitably, Kimble has to develop an affection for his class of little kids. At the time, Arnold was the chairman of the President's Council on Physical Fitness and Sports. When he signed on for the movie, he insisted that kid-friendly fitness be made part of the script. Thus Kimble grabs a whistle and starts ordering the kids to march around. That an entire class of kiddies would be okay with this is a far bridge to cross. There’s some decent humor here, like when John first introduces the whistle, insisting that there are no bathrooms now. However, his transformation from action hero cop to kindergarten teacher happens a little too cleanly and quickly.

You may notice that learning to love a rowdy crowd of toddlers would force Arnold to do something he doesn’t usually do in his movies: Emote. Now, I give Schwarzenegger’s acting abilities more credit then most people usually do. The guy has fantastic comedic timing and a screen presence unlike anyone else’s. However, nobody pays to see Arnold get sad about his estranged son. Or explain to a classroom of kids that ferrets aren’t dangerous. Some of the biggest indignities the screenplay puts Schwarzenegger through is playing the ukulele, singing “Old McDonald’s Farm,” and reading Winnie the Pooh. Somehow, the action star doesn’t totally loose his sense of cool through all of this. Schwarzenegger’s effortless charm still makes “Kindergarten Cop” a lot easier to watch then it otherwise would have been. However, you can tell he’s not entirely comfortable with the material.

If “Kindergarten Cop” was content with just being a silly comedy, it probably would have been somewhat embarrassing but overall entertaining. Instead, around the half-way point, the film awkwardly introduces a number of serious elements. First off, Kimble discovers that Zach, the weird kid in class, has a physically abusive father. The way he handles this information is something that would get even the best-intended teacher fired. Before the film is over, the movie has more-or-less completely abandoned any attempt to be funny. Kimble is rescuing a kid from falling off a tower and making serious confessions to his love interest. That tonal shift not only feels at odds with the earlier parts of the movie, they also aren’t very interesting in their own right.

The key aspect of the movie’s melodramatic side is Kimble relationship with Joyce, the single mom played by Penelope Ann Miller, and her son Dominic. Compared to the goofy, cut-up humor of the first half of the film, the romance between the two characters is treated in an entirely earnest manner. They have a meet-cute at the school. They bond over a dinner, where Kimble reveals the (presumably made-up) origin for his desire to become a teacher. When he reveals that he’s actually an undercover cop sent to investigate her ex-husband, Joyce freaks out, grabs her son, and goes on the run again. Aside from being rather trite, all of this wouldn’t be so bad if Miller wasn’t sleep-walking through the role, delivering all of her dialogue in a bored monotone and barely connecting with Arnold at all.

Arnold has far better chemistry with his partner Phobe, played by Pamela Reed. Reed is a game comedic performer. She has a good time as the energetic character, hyper-actively downing way too much food in far too short a period. One of the humor high-lights of the film is her pretending to be Kimble’s sister, sporting a ridiculous Austrian accent that nevertheless fools the supporting characters. (One notable thing about “Kindergarten Cop:” Arnold is actually playing an Austrian immigrant in it and even briefly speaks German!) When the character becomes ill and begins puking all over the place, Reed leaps into that with full force as well. Reed is light enough on her feet to deliver a stiff one-liner about cars and still make it funny. Though the character has a love interest of her own, a chief fiance that is awkwardly introduced mid-way through, I sort of wish the tiny Reed and the towering Arnold ran off together at the end instead. The two make for a better couple.

Another aspect of the film’s overly serious underbelly manifests itself in the villains. Richard Tyson plays Crisp as a greasy, creepy, barely concealed psychopath. The guy exudes an obvious weirdness, revealing himself as a creep to anyone but the most oblivious. He’s blatantly evil enough to murder a drug addicted runaway in cold blood and cartoonishly bad enough that he beats a guy senseless over a toy race car. Those aspects would probably be enough for most movie villains, especially for one from a relatively light-weight comedy, but Crisp is also given a creepy mom. Played by the harsh-looking Carroll Baker, she is intense and straight-ahead, willing to kill for her son and accompanying him everywhere. Naturally, the two seem a little too close, the script adding a creepy undertone of incestuous feelings. Does something like that really belong in a movie like “Kindergarten Cop?”

In the final third, those competing tones of gritty crime flick and silly comedy collide head-on. When Crisp finally finds his son, he sets fire to the school and kidnaps the boy. This leads to a surprisingly bloody showdown in the boy’s bathroom. The indication that the movie can’t decide what it wants to be is best illustrated in how the bad guy is defeated. Remember that ferret I mentioned earlier? Yeah, it ends up saving the day, sort of. By the resolution when, predictably, Kimble chooses to be a school teacher over a cop, “Kindergarten Cop” has been totally consumed by its squishy-hearted desire to be a melodramatic family drama. I liked it better when Arnold was screaming at toddlers.

Just as “Twins” was dominated by an oppressively late eighties aesthetic, “Kindergarten Cop” is unmistakably a product of the early nineties. Randy Edelman returns to score and creates a quasi-electronic soundtrack that reeks of the time period. Behold, the steel drums and soft chirping! Another sign of the times is that the movie is a little too heavy for real young kids but obviously too goofy for full-grown adults. Thus, kids saying the darnest things co-exist with naughty sex jokes like a horny mom, played by Cathy Moriarty, attempting to seduce Kimble. Even the casting of diminutive character actress Linda Hunt as the eccentric principal of the school seems like exactly the kind of thing you’d expect a movie released in 1990 to do.

“Kindergarten Cop’s” insistence to have it both ways is its undoing. I don’t think it’s an accident that all anyone remembers about the movie is Arnold freaking out around the little kids. That’s the best part. The mushy sentimentality and the awkward attempt to fuse a crime plot onto the film are rightfully overlooked. The easy sense of breezy fun and genuine heart that kept “Twins” afloat was more difficult to recapture then you’d think. Critics at the time were fairly dismissive of the film but that didn’t stop it from becoming a huge hit, another success for Reitman and Arnold. That the movie isn’t remembered as a low-point for either proves that I’m being harder on “Kindergarten Cop” then it deserves or that both artists would make far worst stuff in the future. I’m betting on the latter. [Grade: C+]

Director Report Card: Ivan Reitman (1988)

6. Twins

In 1988, two creative forces had reached the peak of their power. Ivan Reitman was still running high on the success of “Ghostbusters,” now established as one of the leading comedic directors in Hollywood. Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger had never been more popular. Action hits like “The Terminator” and “Commando” had launched him to the front of movie super-stardom. In a few years, he’d be the highest paid, highest grossing actor in the world. Before that, Arnold made the decision to stretch his - some would say “limited” - abilities in a new direction. These days it’s normal for an action star to try his hand at comedy. That’s because Arnold did it first. “Twins” would become a big success and prove the Austrian Oak was more then just a pair of biceps. Furthermore, it would provide Reitman with another hit, showing his continued ability to create likable, money-making comedies.

Julius Benedict has lived his whole life on an island. The result of a genetic experiment to create a perfect human being, Julius is tall, buff, and brilliant. His schooling and training has left him a super genius and an incredible athlete. However, he’s curious about the outside world. When he discovers he has a twin brother, a result of the same experiment, he leaves the island and heads to America, in search of him. When they meet, the short, tubby Vincent is not only the physical opposite of Julius but his less then stellar morals stand in contrasts to Julius’ up-right behavior. However, the two form a shaky friendship. Soon, with Vincent’s girlfriend and her sister in tow, the two head out on a road trip. Vincent is only interested in delivering a car to a mysterious millionaire, the latest ploy to make himself rich. Julius, on the other hand, is in search of the brothers’ origins. Along the way, they learn a lot from each other.

Maybe the reason “Twins” was successful, aside from being a pretty likable flick, might be due to its brilliant poster. The central joke is right there. “Schwarzenegger. DeVito. Twins.” The brilliant simplicity of that is obvious. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito do not look like twin brothers. The movie certainly plays that simple visual joke to its fullest. The film goes out of its way to contrast the two performers. Arnold is as pumped as he’s ever been on screen, showing off his huge, toned muscles on several occasions. DeVito, obviously, is shorter, tubbier, and hairier. The movie emphasizes his baldness with a cheesy ponytail. Moreover, the two have opposing personalities. Julius is naïve, sweet, and sort of nerdy. Vincent, meanwhile, is a bit of a sleazeball, sleeping with married women, making his money by stealing cars and with a shady loan company.

Though the movie’s main conceit might be a cheap, easy joke, the best attribute of “Twins” is its good-natured tone. At first, Vincent is attempting to rip Julius off as much as he would anyone else. However, the guy’s sweet tone wins his conman of a brother over. He wins the audience over too. Though the film is full of laughs, “Twins” also has a lot of heart. The scene where Vincent and Julius learn that their mother is still alive, when Vincent discovers that Julius’ crazy story is true, is surprisingly touching. For the first time in his life, Vincent realizes he has a family, people who care about him. The moment when Vincent realizes he’s a “side effect” is devastating for him. Shaken, the two brothers hug. Later on, the two go to meet their mother and are told that she’s dead. The shock and sadness on their faces read clearly. Why it’s easy to yuk it up about the obvious differences between the two, “Twins” gets the audience to care about the guys and their situations.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s acting abilities have frequently been criticized. In my opinion, unfairly. In “Twins,” Arnold shows that he’s actually a capable performer. That the action star would want to try his hand at comedy is not surprising. Schwarzenegger has always brought a lot of humor to his action roles, slinging cheesy one-liners and making them genuinely hilarious. With the part of Julius, Arnold gets to really stretch his abilities. Julius is sort of a dorky goofball. He’s adapting to the outside world for the first time. He sings along to pop music for the first time, at inappropriate volumes. He stumbles into confrontation with pick-pockets, hilariously overturning their plan. He dances, climbs walls, and more, always with a big, goofy smile on his face. It’s one of Arnold’s most appealing performances, the guy appearing more likable then ever on-screen.

Danny DeVito is equally inspired as the less toned brother. It’s a very typical part for DeVito. He’s more then a bit greasy, attempting to con every one around him for one reason or another. He always owes someone money and is always attempting to talk some other fool out of their money. However, as the film goes on, Vincent reveals a more sensitive side. We discover that all of his scheming and back-biting is a defense mechanism. He’s actually a very sad, wounded person. He also genuinely cares for his girlfriend, proving he’s not a total scumbag. DeVito is in fine form, getting to play both sides of the spectrum nicely.

Despite mostly being a yuk-fest, an unlikely theme emerges in “Twins.” The central premise raises an interesting question: Are ethics genetic? The movie, at first, seems to assure us that they are. Julius, the “perfect” brother, is as morally up-right as possible. Vincent, meanwhile, steals cars for a living, sleeps with a married woman, and seduced a nun when he was only a teenager. Everyone expects him to be in jail, which is indeed where Julius finds him. However, as the story develops, we begin to question this assumption. The film comes down on the side of environment over genetics influencing a child’s personality. Julius was raised in a supportive, nurturing environment. Vincent was left in an orphanage and kicked out at a young age. By the end, the two rubbing off on each other, Vincent is revealed to have a heart and be as nice as his brother.

Like any big comedy of the time, “Twins” also has a romantic subplot. Accompany the twins on their adventure is Vincent’s girlfriend Linda and her sister Marnie. Naturally, Marnie quickly falls for Julius. Vincent quickly identifies Julius as a virgin due to his idealized concept of women, a moment hilarious in light of Arnold’s real-life behavior. This makes the relationship between Julius and Marnie delightfully awkward at times. The moment when they finally consummate their relationship is full of gentle, amusing laughs. And it doesn’t hurt that Kelly Preston, as Marnie, is probably the sexiest she’s ever been on-screen, especially when wearing a tiny, slinky nightgown. Preston’s chemistry with Arnold is believable. Amusingly, the movie casts DeVito as an equal romantic lead, who has an emotionally revealing scene with Linda, played by a capable, likable Chloe Webb.

The entire second half of “Twins” is devoted to the brothers’ journey across the country. The film doesn’t focus too much on the great American countryside or anything like that. However, it is a road trip picture of a sort. There’s lot of footage of the characters driving around. On their trip, they stop by a gas station, where Julius buys his first T-shirt, an especially silly moment. A winning moment has the brothers dancing in a honky-tonk bar, which ends in a nicely goofy fight scene. Probably the best moment is when the two finally meet up with their mother. The audience immediately realizes that Bonnie Barlett’s character is actually the twins’ mom but the eventual pay-off to that meeting is worth it.

Like seemingly every other goofy eighties comedy, “Twins” has an incongruous crime plot motivating the main story. The reason Vincent gets on the road is because he stumbles upon a high-tech super-motor in the back of car he’s stolen, which he’ll get five million dollars to deliver. Unbeknownst to the brothers, a dangerous hitman is on their trail, leaving several bodies and shot limbs in his trail. As you’d expect, this story line is wildly at odds with the rest of the film. In the last act, when the two plot lines finally converge, “Twins” takes a bizarre tonal shift, full of sudden death and speedy pursuits. The film resolves this with slapstick comedy, which seems right. Marshall Bell is even an odd choice for the part, looking more like a creepy uncle then a deadly assassin.

Aside from its lead actors, “Twins” features some strong performances by the supporting players. Bonnie Bartlett overcomes the silly plot mechanism of her character arc, providing some genuinely sweet moments. Notable character actors David Caruso and Tony Jay, putting those fantastic pipes of his to good use, have small parts despite their unusually high billing. And watch out for cameos from the likes of Sven-Ole Thorsen, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, and Heather Graham.

“Twins’ is also an unmistakable product of the late eighties. The characters frequently dress in neon pastels. Such as Arnold’s mint shorts or the matching salmon suits DeVito and Schwarzenegger wear in one moment. The movie is also sprinkled with references to the then-and-now, such as a cameo appearance from Sylvester Stallone’s biceps, that leaves Arnold unimpressed. The score by Randy Edelman and Georges Delerue, with its pseudo-electronic, quasi-steel drum chirping, is immediately recognizable as a product of its time. Atop the campy-ass score is a campy-ass end credits song provided by Little Richard and Philip Bailey, which is as ridiculous as you’d expect. In general, “Twins” is the sort of light weight, gimmicky but still surprisingly earnest comedy that just doesn’t get made anymore.

To call “Twins” a classic is overstating it. The movie is silly, light-weight, and features more infectious chuckles then full-blown belly laughs. However, the movie does feature one of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s most entertaining performances and has a surprising amount of heart to it. That the movie would go on to become another big hit for Ivan Reitman, and prove that action hero Arnold could branch out into comedy, isn’t a surprise. It remains a favorite of the Austrian superstar as well. For years, he’s been trying to get a sequel made, which would co-star Eddie Murphy as a newly discovered third brother. I don’t know if “Triplets” is a thing the world needs but “Twins” stands on its own as a perfectly serviceable, entertaining bit of eighties comedy. [Grade: B]

Director Report Card: John McTiernan (1993)

6. Last Action Hero

In 1993, Arnold Schwarzenegger was still the biggest movie star in the world. His previous film, “Terminator 2,” shattered box office records, cementing the reputation the action icon had been building since the early eighties. After the success of the second “Terminator,” Arnold’s next movie was expected to be an equally huge hit. That next movie was  “Last Action Hero,” a self-reflective parody of not just Arnold’s career but all the then-excesses of the action genre. John McTiernan choosing to direct the film is just another example of its self-aware quality. McTiernan had provided Arnie with an iconic hit with “Predator” and revitalized the entire action genre with “Die Hard.” The film had seemingly everything going for it…

Danny is a lonely kid, living in a bad part of New York. He doesn’t care much for school, his apartment gets broken into frequently, and his single mom chastises his behavior all the time. Danny’s only escape from his grim realities is movies. In particular, the action movies of Arnold Schwarzenegger. He frequently skips school to spend all day at the theater, with the help of the eccentric projectionist. While watching a sneak preview screening of “Jack Slater IV,” the latest entry in Arnold’s star franchise, that very same projectionist slips Danny a magic movie ticket. At first, the boy doesn’t think much of it. When he slips into the world of Jack Slater, he realizes it actually works. The kid has fun exploring the insane action movie universe and befriending his fictional hero… Until the movie’s one-eyed villain gets his hand on the stub and enters our world.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has always been one of the more self-aware action heroes of his generation. Arnold starring in a parody of action flicks is almost unnecessary. In retrospect, if it hadn’t codified many of the rules of the genre, “Commando” would play like a parody of eighties action. There was always a glimmer in his eyes and a smirk on his face. In the early nineties, “Total Recall” and his comedies showed he was already willing to play with his hyper-macho image. With “Last Action Hero,” he goes meta. The film plays with its own status as fiction. Characters cross the fourth wall. (Though if there’s a fiction inside the fiction, does that make it the third wall?) Entering Movie World is enough premise for most films but “Last Action Hero” only uses that as a launching pad. The movie is as much about a normal human entering a fictional world as it is about fictional characters entering the real world.

Despite its heavily meta-fictional story, “Last Action Hero” doesn’t engage much with the meaning of these ideas. The existential dread a fictional character must feel from discovering he isn't real is only briefly touched on. The movie begins by killing off Jack’s son. That his tragedies, struggles, and entire life are entertainment to higher beings only briefly pisses the hero off. The implication of a fictional world existing on some other level aren’t elaborated upon. The biggest joke occurs after the story’s villain enters our world. He discovers that the real world is more callous then the world of eighties action. Moreover, he realizes that crimes can go unpunished in our world. Besides that, “Last Action Hero” does not attempt to read any deeper into fiction’s meaning to us and what it means if these stories could interact with us. The potential subtext is reduced to a gimmick.

Instead, “Last Action Hero” is a ridiculous parody of action films. The world of “Jack Slater” is exaggerated beyond the point of plausibility. Recalling the “Death Wish” series, the plot of “Jack Slater IV” is motivated by the death of the cop’s favorite second cousin. Presumably, this is because they’ve already worked through the rest of his family. Danny is launched into this world during the middle of a car chase. Here, we see a mook tossed into an ice cream truck, which then explodes, killing another baddie with an errant cone. Jack drives up the walls of a canal, launching his car into the air. A game of vehicular chicken ends with a body sticking straight-up out of a dumpster. There are some funnier, subtler gags here. When the bad guys attempt to drive up the same canal, they crash and burn. During the car chase, there’s a prominently placed Coca-Cola truck, the kind of product placement a movie character must be used to. However, most of the movie’s blatantly comic scenes are too self-aware, too winkingly goofy, to be genuinely funny. Even the most ridiculous eighties flicks were never this silly.  “Last Action Hero” is too in on its own joke.

A further example of the movie overdoing its own joke is the world Jack Slater inhabits. In the movie-within-the-movie, every house in L.A. is beautiful sea-front property, a fancy Italian villa. The police station is a huge, elaborate set. “Much nicer” then the real police station, Danny notes. Here’s a good example of a potentially amusing gag stretched too far. In the movie, every woman is beautiful, statuesque, long-legged and big-busted. However, the gag’s taken too far, every female dressed in ridiculous, revealing outfits. Another gag that could have been funny if underplayed more involves the other cops. In the background of the police station, unlikely partners are paired up, each one with a more preposterous buddy. That’s a funny idea, especially when the various partners include an overweight guy, a rabbi, the ghost of Humphrey Bogart, and a cartoon cat. However, the film drills the joke into the ground, draining it of laughs. When a script seemingly congratulates itself on a funny gag, the gag stops being funny. (At least “Last Action Hero” has the balls to make Whiskers, the cartoon cat, a supporting character instead of just a cameo.)

The only joke in the movie that isn’t overdone is the character of Jack Slater himself. At first, you might not even notice the central joke. Jack always wears alligator-skinned cowboy boots, tight jeans, a red muscle shirt, a brown leather jacket, and a patriotic belt buckle. The constant deaths of family members is obviously a riff on the “Death Wish” series and its protagonist Paul Kersey. Slater’s cowboy cop behavior is a take-off on Dirty Hary and his more extreme eighties cousin Cobra. You’ll notice all of those characters have one thing in common: They’re Americans who neither look nor sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger. So “Last Action Hero” is poking fun at Arnold’s tendency to be cast as all-American action heroes when he himself is obviously not. (Another funny gag is the closest where Jack keeps multiple, identical copies of his standard outfit… And all of his guns.)

Despite being a ridiculous spoof, “Last Action Hero” tries to play the relationship between Jack Slater and the kid for real emotion. As in any ridiculous action film, the mismatched partners start to care for one another. Jack watches out for Danny and vice-versa. In the last act, trapped in the real world, Jack nearly dies, causing Danny to shed tears. It’s a weird thing to see in a movie that is otherwise so goofy. Occasionally, the film explores Danny’s relationship with the fictional hero. He attempts to get Jack to say an R-rated word in his PG-13-rated world. While learning about “Hamlet” in literature class, Danny imagines a Schwarzenegger-starring take on the Bard’s story, with the required explosions and one-liners. That’s the funniest bit in the film and it comes early on. Had the film explored why young boys are so enamored of bigger-then-life movie stars like Arnold, or pursued the attachments fans can have to movie stars, it could have gotten at something deep. Instead, the story’s heart is full of schmaltz and the film’s potential is unformed.

Sometimes, the extensively self-aware action sequences produce some decent laughs. The bad guys attempt to corner Jack in his own home. They shoot huge holes in the walls, somehow missing the guy. He takes a shotgun round to the chest but survives, thanks to a magical bullet-proof vest. The best attribute to this scene is Michael Kamen’s score, which ebbs and flows with the action on-screen like a grown-up Mickey Mouse cartoon. Even this scene is damaged by an out-of-nowhere reference to “E.T.” Later on, there’s an extended scene at a mobster’s funeral. There’s some funny gags here, like everyone in the procession packing heat or the kid wondering how to operate a crane. However, I could have done without the extended fart joke. 

Apparently the first draft of the script was set entirely within the movie world and explored the consequences of a crazy action hero’s action. The filmed version of “Last Action Hero” has Slater and his archenemy escaping into our world. Weirdly, the movie gets a little better at this point. Jack suddenly discovers he can be hurt. He hears classical music for the first time in his life, loving it. Watching Charles Dance’s villain learning the callous ways of our world is worthwhile. When Jack has to confront the Ripper, a psychotic madman from his previous film, “Last Action Hero” begins to resemble a straight-up action movie. This is, oddly, more successful then the overdone comedy of the first half. Lastly, these scenes gets Arnold on-camera with the only actor to ever match him in charisma… Himself. Mr. Schwarzenegger doesn’t fight Mr. Schwarzenegger but it is amusing to see the Austrian Oak play off his real life persona, with jokes about Planet Hollywood, M.C. Hammer, and Jim Belushi. Even a last minute cameo from Ian McKellan as Ingmar Bergman’s Death is interesting in its own way. It’s easy to imagine a better version of “Last Action Hero” focused solely on the fictional characters navigating our real world. At the very least, it ends the movie on a high-note.

So how does Arnold do? Schwarzenegger has always been willing to poke fun at his own image. He had already done it twice before this, in “Twins” and “Kindergarten Cop.” Watching Arnold goof around is nothing new, as even his quote-unquote serious roles has him cracking silly one-liners. Schwarzenegger is at least convincing in the double role as Jack Slater and himself. He gets a few weirdly earnest moments to himself, like when the character discusses his dead kid or how pathetic his personal life kind of is. Austin O’Brian as Danny was fairly heavily criticized at the time but the kid does fine. He’s likable and seems to be having fun playing against Arnold.

Another high-light of the film is its villain. Charles Dance plays Benedict, the main bad guy. Though obviously a parody of refined British villains in low-prestige pop corn flicks, like Hans Gruber from McTiernan’s own “Die Hard,” Dance truly goes for it. He hams it up beautifully, having a great time as a big screen bad guy. It doesn’t hurt that Benedict gets a series of great gimmicks. He goes through a variety of glass eyes, wears a fancy white suit, wields an absurdly big handgun, and belittles his own boss. (Played by Anthony Quinn, also making fun of his tendency to get cast as crime bosses.) Tom Noonan plays the Ripper, another example of the foreboding star playing a psycho. The Ripper seems in awfully high spirits for a greasy psychopath. His collapsible axe is a really cool weapon. Another fun bit of meta casting is F. Murray Abraham as a dirty cop. Danny tells Jack not to trust the guy because he “killed Mozart,” one of the film’s few reoccurring gags that it doesn’t wear out.

Aside from noted thespians like Abraham, Dance, and McKellen, the film’s supporting cast is full of other interesting names. “Running Man”-graduate Professor Toru Tanaka also pokes fun at his own image, basically playing Oddjob. Art Carney, in his last screen role, is the eccentric projectionist that Danny befriends. Carney didn’t let his advancing age hide the obvious joy he got from performing. Frank McRae sure does have a ball screaming his lungs out as the police chief. Future Sonya Blade Brigitte Wilson plays Slater’s oversexed teenage daughter. She’s awfully nice to look at and Wilson seems to be on the film’s level. Whether or not she’s poking fun at playing a bubble-headed blonde or is just playing a regular bubble-headed blonde might be up for the audience to decide.

So the actors are having fun and there’s an occasional gag that lands. However, “Last Action Hero” is ultimately nowhere near as funny as it should have been. Perhaps McTiernan, a filmmaker better known for more-or-less serious takes on the action genre, was the wrong director for the film. Or maybe the over-hyped, over-processed film was an inevitable victim of the studio system. One suspects that the earlier drafts were edgier, funnier, and more focused. As it stands, “Last Action Hero” is an interesting failure, one full of potential, but brought down by its own smugness and an indecisive tone that fluctuates between spoofy parody and more on-the-nose satire. [Grade: C+]