Welcome to the film-related musings, complaints, and comments of Zack Clopton, an amateur film-critic, scholar, and screenwriter. Featured here are Director's Report Cards, essays, and other reviews. Enjoy!
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There's no pleasing “Star Wars” fans. While the first two films in Disney's plan for yearly galactic adventures were widely liked, the dissenters have been loud. “The Force Awakens” was either the perfect way to revive interest in the franchise or too reverent of “A New Hope.” Some said “Rogue One” was an impressively grounded prequel to the original. Others said it was a reshoot burden, masturbatory act of fan service. Naturally, “Star Wars Episode VII: The Last Jedi,” the highly anticipated new entry in the Skywalker saga, has already produced hot takes of varying intensity, despite only being out a few days. Has new director Rian Johnson taken the series in a bold new direction or has he let all the air out of fanboys' balloons? Let me, a casual watcher with a general lack of interest in “Star Wars'” lore, decide.
Several months have passed since the destruction of the Starkiller base. Despite that victory, the New Order has the Resistance on the run. A cruiser carrying the rebellion's leaders is slowly being pursued by enemy forces. The heroes of the Resistance leap into action. Finn and a new friend sneak off to another planet, in a last ditch effort to get the Order off the Resistance's trail, while Poe makes his own move. Meanwhile, Rey stays with Luke Skywalker in isolation, trying to convince the exiled Jedi to train her. Luke fears Rey's powers, especially the connection she feels with Kylo Ren, who is only growing more conflicted and powerful.
There was some concern that, if “The Force Awakens” was so beholden to “A New Hope,” “The Last Jedi” would be an extended homage to “The Empire Strikes Back.” “Episode VIII” ends up feeling like the “Empire” of this new trilogy without being slavishly devoted to that film's formula. Like that seminal sequel, it does spread the characters across several locations, splitting the story up before bringing everyone back together at the end. Despite having about six protagonists spread across three or four locations, “The Last Jedi” never feels overstuffed or unorganized. Like “Empire,” this is also likely to be the darkest installment in the new trilogy, focused on taking the characters through the harshest part of their journey.
“The Last Jedi” also shows the series' established heroes struggling with their legacies. Leia does what she can to lead the rebellion, despite their enemy quickly closing in on them. Han Solo's death still hangs heavily over the head of his son and family. Luke, more than any other, finds himself wondering what his place in this new future is. Luke's failures, especially what went wrong with Ben Solo, weigh heavily on him. By taking the character into isolation, and having him ruminate on the failings of the Jedi Order, “The Last Jedi” forces fans to consider the importance of the series' iconic space religion. Moreover, it also gives Mark Hamill a fantastic chance to play a weary mentor, a lifetime of regards visible on his aged face.
A lot of the criticism directed towards the character of Rey in the previous “Star Wars” movie was unfair. However, “The Last Jedi” does provide her with far more character development. Over the course of “Episode VIII,” Rey goes through her own dark night of the soul. In an act of Campbell-ian symbolism that Lucas will probably love, Rey literally crawls into a dark hole, confronting the darkness inside her own soul. She considers why she wants to become a jedi, in a way that frightens and encourages Luke. Daisy Ridley's performance has grown too. She gives a more complex, nuanced reading, the character struggling to realize a destiny she's only beginning to understand.
There's more notable change among the returning cast. John Boyega continues to be having the most fun among the new characters. This film sends Finn on some really amusing adventures. He has to grapple with some fame of his own, reaching the level of heroics he showed admiration for in the last film. Carrie Fisher projects an incredible sense of authority and strength as Leia, even getting a really neat moment solely to herself. Kylo Renn comes into his own as a villain, as Adam Driver discards the character's whiny aspects in favor of more inner conflict and a more intense of anger. Among the inhuman cast members, BB-8 gets one of the most satisfying action beats all to himself. I wish Oscar Isaac as Poe was given a little more to do, as the character remains primarily defined by his reckless rebel attitude.
“The Last Jedi” introduces some notable new names too. Laura Dern, whose overriding pleasantness is practically an internet meme by this point, appears as Admiral Holdo. Dern is soft-spoken but strong. That strength eventually builds towards one of the film's biggest moments, one that got several audible gasps from my audience. Benicio del Toro adds another eccentric and morally ambiguous character to his resume, with DJ, a space-hacker with some interesting thoughts on currency. Del Toro gives the character a stutter, which might have been a move too far. Obviously the break-out character of the film is going to be Kelly Marie Tran's Rose. Tran has a youthful energy that she injects into every scene. She also gets a weepie of a back story, one that is very touching, and gives her choice to fight the Order a special meaning.
In a year that also brought us far-out sci-fi visions like “Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets” and the latest “Guardians of the Galaxy” film, I'm happy to see Rian Johnson has returned the weirdness to “Star Wars.” The commitment to practical effects that was shown in “The Force Awakens” continues here, as there are many oddball aliens created through puppetry, latex, and rubber. Such as the bizarre elephant seal like creatures Luke milks on his world. Or the crystal-like foxes that inhabit the salty red planet in the last act. An especially stunning shot has the Millennium Falcon diving briefly into the planet's caverns, revealing a world of brightly colored tunnels. One of my favorite sequences in the film is set on a high-rolling casino planet, a nice subversion of the typical hives of scum and villainy we see in “Star Wars.” It's populated with all sorts of colorful, strange creatures. It's nice to see the franchise re-embrace this level of imagery.
“The Force Awakens” certainly had several moments designed to make viewers cheers, most of which costed on reintroducing beloved characters. “The Last Jedi” has at least one moment like this, where one of my favorite cast members from the original trilogy reappears in a really unexpected and welcomed way. Yet most of “The Last Jedi's” other fantastic moments are based on skillfully engineered action theatrics. I've already mentioned a scene weaponizes hyper-drive. Another involves Rose and Finn's escape from the casino, atop giant bounding creatures, a quickly paced chase that gets the blood pumping. Lastly, Luke Skywalker gets a huge action beat all to himself, one that gleefully pays off on years of expectations.
Yet my favorite moments in “The Last Jedi” are the ones seemingly designed to misdirect expectations. In the year between episodes VII and VIII, the internet became obsessed with the question of Rey's parents and the true identity of Supreme Leader Snoke. “The Last Jedi” answers these concerns bluntly and perfectly, completely subverting the George Lucas-ian habit of everyone knowing each other or being related. The film goes there, in a way I really didn't expect a new “Star Wars” movie to. That key moment also leads to a fantastic action sequence, one that seems inspired by action films like “The Raid” franchise, where Rey fights off the bad-ass looking Imperial Guards, in increasingly tight and brutal angles.
Unsurprisingly, the way “The Last Jedi” confounds expectations has not sat well with everyone. I guess if I was really invested in the Mystery Box approach J.J. Abrams brought to the last film, I might be annoyed too. Yet, with the exception of the fate of one major character, I found most of the film's twists and turns satisfying. This is the first time a “Star Wars” movie really surprised me. From the beginning, Rian Johnson seemed like an inspired choice to take the reins of the series. He did exactly what I hoped he would: Shake things up and go further, creating what is likely to be regarded as one of the best entries in the franchise. [8/10]
As someone partially raised in the Jewish faith, and considering the large number of Jewish people working in Hollywood, I've always found it odd that there are so few films about Jewish holidays. There are roughly ten thousand Christmas movies. But Hanukkah, the Jewish winter festival? As far as I can tell, there are exactly two movies explicitly about the celebration. Last year, I reviewed “The Hebrew Hammer,” an amusing parody though hardly the film I want representing the entire feast of lights. This year, I decided to cover the other fifty percent of Hanukkah movies. And it was a hard decision, as Adam Sandler's “Eight Crazy Nights” is widely regarded as a deeply terrible film. But, hey, my Jewish side wasn't going to let all eight nights go by covering just goyish movies.
The New Hampshire town of Dukesberry is celebrating the holiday season. Christmas is around the corner while the town's large Jewish population is beginning the eight night festival of Hanukkah. Everybody is celebrating except for Davey Stone. Davey is an asshole, committing crimes and ruining everyone's good time. His latest rampage gets him placed under the care of Whitey, the elderly and eccentric good samaritan around town. Whitey is the couch of the youth basketball team and encourages Davey to mentor a young boy. While Davey is resists these attempts at rehabilitation at first, he soon starts to come around.
Consider the career of Adam Sandler. Though a reliable box office star over the years, the amount of effort Sandler put into his features has decreased steeply with time. “Eight Crazy Nights” came out fifteen years ago and Sandler had already, for the most part, quit trying by then. The animated feature is overwhelmingly crass. The film opens with a long burping joke. There's a fart joke not long afterwards, along with jokes about other bodily functions and parts. An extended sequence is devoted to someone being frozen inside human feces. There are jokes at the expense of the Asian, the overweight, the neuro-divergent, amputees, transgender, virgins, the elderly, the tall and the short. Davey is unendingly obnoxious while Whitey has an incredibly obnoxious voice. More offensive than any of this is the clear loathing “Eight Crazy Nights” displays for the world. This is a hateful film, spewing bile and intolerance on nearly everyone.
The story is hostile and belligerent but “Eight Crazy Nights” is still a testament to Adam Sandler's ego. Davey begins the film as a detestable asshole, heaping spite on everyone in the town but also himself. Despite this, the character still gets a redemptive arc. As in “Big Daddy,” “Bedtime Stories,” and probably a few other films, Sandler's character bonds with a child. This eventually thaws his heart, leading him to a romance with a beautiful - and totally personality-free - woman. For extra mileage, Davey is also given an incredible talent, being naturally gifted as basketball. (Also making the movie similar to “Happy Gilmore,” “The Waterboy,” and “The Longest Yard.”) “Eight Crazy Nights” doesn't skimp on another Sandler trademark: Gratuitous product placement. Practically every business in the town mall is a real one and, at one point, the corporate logos come to life to give our asshole hero a pep talk.
As if building its story around a very annoying set of characters wasn't enough to put off viewers, “Eight Crazy Nights” is also a musical. Yes, not only does Adam Sandler inflict a high-pitch, brain-bleeding voice on us, he also sings. While Sandler's vocal talents are enough to sustain a jokey number like “The Hanukkah Song” – a third version of which plays over the end credits – but it's hardly enough for actual musical numbers. Probably the most ear-splitting number if “Technical Foul,” in which Sandler sings as both Davey and Whitey. The lyrics, for that song and every other, are naturally totally inane. There are references to shitting, farting, bald ladies, and hairy asses and that's just one song. Other numbers include a man in a dress, a phone sex line, and a burning trailer.
I will give “Eight Crazy Nights” this much. The animation is decent. Apparently, some of the same character designers from “The Iron Giant” and “Anastasia” worked on the film. You can't help but notice the similarities. I also remember laughing once, about a joke involving deer wearing wigs. Otherwise, the film is entirely foul, inside and out. It lacks in laughs and heart, being an entirely rotten experience. Then again, this is exactly the kind of bullshit we expect from Sandler. It's really a bummer that this is one of two films the proud Jewish people have to represent their eight-night celebration. [2/10]
I watched a lot of the Disney Channel during my late adolescence and pre-teen years. I've already reviewed every episode of “So Weird,” one of the network's better and more obscure shows. Yet I also enjoyed their aggressively wacky, kid-targeting sitcoms. I can try and be snide and say I watched “Lizzie McGuire” and “Even Stevens” because I thought Hilary Duff and Christy Carlson Romano were cute. I mean, I did but I genuinely found these programs to be amusing as a youngster. I'm talking about “Even Stevens” on the first night of Hanukkah because, it turns out, the family at the show's center were of mixed faith. Jewish on the mother's side and Christian on the Dad's side. (Perhaps this was done because the show's stars, Shia LeBeouf and Romano, are themselves part Jewish.) The show even did a Hanukkah episode in its first season.
Anyway, “Heck of a Hanukkah” begins with Louis and Ren, the brother and sister that the show is about, arguing. The hyper Louis is trying to find where his parents hid their Hanukkah presents, while Ren is being her usual overachieving self. Louis finds the gifts and ends up accidentally tossing them out the window. He gets, understandably, grounded and wishes he was never born. At that point, the ghost of Louis' Jewish grandmother appears to him, showing him what his family's life would be like if he was never born.
“Even Stevens” was an aggressively wacky show. This is apparent from the opening credit sequence, depicting the battling siblings as stop-motion animated cartoons. So it's not surprising that “Heck of a Hanukkah” bends towards the broad and loud. Louis' antics are overly zany, as his search for his presents involve “Terminator”-style graphics, lots of fast-motion photography, and randomly destroying stuff all around him. The fantasy scenes reduce the already simplistic characters even more. In the alternate reality, Louis' jocky brother is now a simpleton obsessed with a winning a spelling bee. Louis has been replaced with a psychotic, perfectionist brother that eventually attempts to frame the boy for a crime. Louis, meanwhile, dances around with a chicken on his head. It's pretty dire stuff, aimed squarely at the kiddie crowd.
Disappointingly, “Heck of a Hanukkah” only directly addresses the characters' faith a few times. The siblings' mom relates the story of the Maccabees while frying latkes. The episode concludes with the clan lighting the menorah. And the ghostly grandmother has a Russian-Jewish accent. Otherwise, this easily could've been a Christmas episode, especially so considering the story is yet another riff on “It's a Wonderful Life.” And I'm honestly unsure if treating a non-W.A.S.P. background as an everyday, unremarkable thing is better than making a big deal about it. Anyway, that's another artifact from my childhood that absolutely does not hold up. [5/10]
Common knowledge would have it that suicide rates go around the holidays. This is not true but the irony is still irresistible for some. That what is supposed to be the happiest time of the year makes some people miserable. This has led to an interesting genre of depressing Christmas media. There's sad holiday songs, downbeat December books, and, of course, miserablist Christmas movies. I feel this provides a much-needed course correction, counteracting the omni-present holiday cheer around the end of the year. Indie filmmakers have been happy to cater to this demand. I've covered a few of these anti-cheer flicks before and another title I've been hearing about a lot lately is “White Reindeer.” Onto the December watchlist it went.
Suzanne Barrington seemingly has an ideal life. She's a successful real estate agent and is married to Jeff, a popular local weatherman. The two love each other, frequently having enthusiastic sex. The couple plans on spending Christmas, just a few weeks away, in Hawaii. This all comes crashing down when Suzanne comes home to discover her husband, dead on their living room floor. He was murdered during a robbery. Soon afterwards, Suzanne learns her late husband had an affair with a stripper. The two strike up an odd friendship as Suzanne attempts to navigate her grief and survive the holiday season.
Going into “White Reindeer,” I was expecting some mumblecore cringe-comedy. Joe Swansberg's in it, after all. It becomes clear early on that director/writer/editor Zach Clark doesn't employ the partially improvised format, as his film is concisely written and edited. The editing is especially strong during a dance sequence. However, “White Reindeer” does go for cringes in an interesting way. Jeff and Suzanne is introduced having rowdy sex in their kitchen. She is frequently seen sitting on the toilet. She vomits and farts. Moreover, the character are often put in uncomfortable situations. Suzanne's nice neighbors are interrupted while setting up a sex swing. This proceeds a long sequence set at an orgy, which is more awkward than sexy. The editing, which frequently drops the viewer into these uneasy moments, emphasizes the feeling that the protagonist is no longer comfortable in her own skin.
More than anything else, “White Reindeer” is about the odd ways humans react to grief. The film acknowledges grief as something that isn't a clean process. Such as the scene where Suzanne discovers her husband's taste in pornography. This leads to Suzanne attempting to drown her sorrows in physical sensation. She drinks, does drugs, and parties with her new stripper friend. When that doesn't work, she attends her neighbor's sex party, finding this stimuli ultimately unsatisfying as well. She spends hundreds on Christmas decorations, turning her house into the holiest jolliest building on the block. She starts to live off candy canes and eggnog. She briefly becomes a vegetarian, haunted by images of her husband's blown open head. None of these actions provide solace. “White Reindeer” presents grieving as a long, difficult situation without easy answers or clean payoffs.
Centering the film is a phenomenal lead performance. Anna Margaret Hollyman, an actress with few other big credits to her name, plays Suzanne. Hollyman is astonishingly well controlled. She keeps most of Suzanne's storming emotions under the surface, at least until it inevitably bubbles over in the harshest ways. It's a difficult part, running through most every emotional extreme you can think of, but Hollyman does a fantastic job. She never hits a wrong note or overdoes it. The supporting cast is strong too, as Laura Lemar-Goldsborough also does well as Fantasia, the stripper. This is her only on-screen credit so far, sad to say.
“White Reindeer” will obviously not be for everyone. As a comedy, the film's jokes are few and far between. A sudden game of Rock Band or an awkward encounter in the strip club's dressing room are the only moments that really made me laugh. The story's visual symbolism, like Suzanne's reoccuring vision of a fashion model, don't really pay off. The conclusion is sudden and somewhat frustrating, intentionally leaving a few plot points unresolved. Despite these issues, I found “White Reindeer” a rewarding experience. And there's certainly few other films out there that grapple with the meaning of the holiday the way this one does. [7/10]
When I did my Don Bluth retrospective a few years back, one thing became apparent. The animation director has made some awful movies but, when he was on his game, the results were frequently fantastic. Bluth's first directorial credit was on an animated short, “The Small One,” made by Disney in 1978. I've always been curious about the short and decided this December was the one I watched it. The plot, set in the Middle East many years ago, concerns a father and son. The boy is especially attached to an old donkey he calls Small One. The father informs the boy that it costs more to feed the donkey than they make from him, telling the boy to sell the animal at market. The last minute plot point that makes this a Christmas movie should be fairly easy to guess, given the setting and time period.
Even Bluth's worst movies – and he made some stinkers – were usually beautifully animated. It's hard to know how personally satisfied the director was with “The Small One,” as he left the studio not long after it came out. “The Small One” isn't up to the standards of Bluth's feature films but it still looks lovely. It's hard to undersell the beauty of painted backgrounds or the vividness of detailed character animation like this. The story is awfully cute. Considering it revolves around the relationship between a young boy and an adorable donkey, it would be hard for it not to be cute. The short's moral – that even the smallest of weakest of us can serve the greatest purpose – is nice, even if the context of these events are easy to guess
“The Small One” is effective at what it does, though I wish the music was a little better. The title song, and the songs the boy sings to his donkey, are nice enough. However, the songs the various bankers and vendors in the marketplace sing range from forgettable to annoying. The short isn't quite a half-hour long but, with those songs cut, could've easily run shorter. It's a fairly pleasant take on the beginnings of the Christmas story, though Bluth's later work would easily eclipse it. [7/10]
2010 was, it seems, the year of European horror movies that put dark twists on characters more-or-less analogous to Santa Claus. The year brought us both Holland's “Saint” and Finland's “Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale.” Based on a series of popular internet shorts, about a company that captures and exports wild Santas in Finland, the film was the more critically admired of the two. Which was in contrast to the public perception. Seemed like a lot of fans felt this killer Santa Claus movie didn't deliver. Yet, ultimately, comparing the two films is as pointless as comparing the countries that birthed them. While “Saint” is a slasher flick, “Rare Exports” is a moodier exercise.
Far off in Lapland, a British team of excavator has uncovered something unusual deep within the ice. The team leader believes it to be the burial mound of Santa Claus. But this ancient Santa is not the giving, benevolent figure we know. This Santa is a giant, horned figure that devours children. Frozen in a block of ice but still alive, a group of elves – which also resemble the archetypal Claus – appear to free their master. They begin to kidnap children and radiators, melting the ice. A group of local reindeer farmer and butchers, along with their especially brave children, are tasked with preventing the dreaded Claus' return.
It's fair to call “Rare Exports” a slow burn. Despite the salacious premise, of a small Finnish village attacked by killer Santa Clauses, the film focuses more on atmosphere than exploitation. The first hour is about Pietari, the film's young protagonist, and his family noticing weird stuff is going on around them. We see far more evidence of the evil Clauses, like a field of dead reindeer or a body in a trap, before we actually see the sprites themselves. This leads to a sense of mounting dread, building up to the reveal of the elves and their evil master. To this, the film adds a very isolated, snowy, and extremely cold setting. Bright but detached, with a dusty wind frequently blowing in the background, Lapland becomes an ideal place to tell a story of chilly, Christmas fear.
So “Rare Exports” is not a horror movie packed full of shocks and scares. In fact, it often bends towards an odd sense of humor. The elves are nude in their natural states. This leads to bizarre images, like a herd of naked and bearded men trampling through the Finnish snow. Yet there's something ominous about the film turning a figure of holiday cheer into something more sinister. These elves are otherworldly, starring blankly with wide eyes. They have a naturally predatory attitude towards children, watching them with hungry expressions. There's little gore in the film but when the elves attack, they are swift, burying axes in scalps and throwing decapitated heads into the snow.
As someone fascinated with the mythological and anthropological origins of Santa Claus, “Rare Exports” scratches a few itches. To be totally technical, the film isn't about Santa Claus but Joulupukki. Though their modern iterations are basically identical, the Joulupukki is a far older character with pagan roots, possibly tracing back to Thor. The name literally translates to “Yule Goat,” which “Rare Exports” nods to by giving their frozen Santa giant horns. The character was, originally, said to punish children as often as he rewarded them. “Rare Exports” references this early on, showing a book devoted to pictures of Santa attacking children or boiling them in stews. To present an alternative origin story for the jovial gift-giving figure, one steeped in fear instead of glee, makes “Rare Exports” a film about how history is co-opted by consumerism. That the film literally ends with these Santas being shipped around the world as a product almost puts too fine a point upon it.
On a simpler level, “Rare Exports” is also about a boy's journey into adulthood. At the film's beginning, Pietari is a timid child. He still believes in Santa Claus. He closes his eyes when entering his father's workshop. He carries a stuffed toy with him everywhere, often talking to the plush animal. He is fearful of the sinister Santas at first, covering himself with home-made armor and leaving traps in the chimney. As the story progresses, Pietari becomes more bold. Eventually, the boy's quick thinking and bravery is what saves the day. That this turn happens when he discovers the truth about Santa Claus – around the same time he abandons his stuffed animal friend – connects this change with a loss of innocence. But it's not a bad thing, as he also earns his dad's respect. It's fairly simple writing but a solid execution of the character arc.
I can understand why those expecting a movie about a rampaging, evil Santa were disappointed in “Rare Exports.” It's going for something a little more pointed and a lot more subtle. If you're willing to play on the film's side, you're likely to find an interesting experience, with some intriguing ideas and an occasionally spooky moment. Finnish film scholars would probably find the movie an even deeper experience, as I suspect the script is also saying something about local traditions being adsorbed by corporate interest. If nothing else, it's one hell of an alternative Christmas movie. [7/10]
As a child of the nineties, the appeal of “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe” is largely lost on me. I came along too late for the original iterations of these characters and later reboots didn't draw me in. I find the random blending of fantasy and science-fiction elements to be nonsensical. While I'm a fan of campy eighties bullshit, the general aesthetic of the show leans a little too hard on the pastel side of things for me. Even the name strikes me as dumb. Is it necessary to accentuate that Prince Adam's alter-ego is both a “He” and a “Man?”
So, no, I've never seen “He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special” before. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen a single episode of either series before. Despite that, I decided to give this forty-four minute long holiday special a shot, primarily because its consider a seasonal camp classics by the reasonable folks at fine websites like Dinosaur Dracula and I-Mockery. Also, it's streaming free (and legally) on Youtube, so I really had no excuse.
As someone mostly unfamiliar with the lore of either series, I find the plot of this “Christmas Special” to be especially preposterous. Eternia, the sci-fi/fantasy world He-Man and his friends call home, is celebrating the birthday of the royal twins, the civilian identities of the titular heroes. Meanwhile, Prince Adam and Man-at-Arms are activating a rocket to spy on Skeletor, their arch-enemy. Magical sidekick Orko stowaways on the ship. He accidentally ends up on Earth and drags two human kids back to Eternia. The kids are getting ready to celebrate Christmas and bring the strange traditions to the alien world. This motivates the bad guys to muck up the incoming holiday celebration.
Like most every cartoon from the eighties, “He-Man” and “She-Ra” were designed to sell toys. To this goal, the Christmas special includes as many characters from both shows as possible. Some of these cast members strike me as especially absurd. She-Ra has a flying unicorn that talks with a surprisingly deep voice. There's a flamboyantly-voiced fairy that sprays rainbows, a random mermaid, a peacock feathered psychic, and some guy with an elephant head. Also included are a villainous henchmen with two bickering heads, cutesy robot friends, and a horde of evil transforming robots. Considering this special aired in 1985, one year after “Transformers” came to America, that last group of characters can't help but strike me as an especially calculated attempt to ride a rival property's popularity. The robots being evil, and easily defeated, might even be a petty jab at the other franchise.
While I'm generally a fan of stupid bullshit, “He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special” struck me mostly as incredibly annoying. The characters are blindingly colorful and most of them have obnoxious voices. Like Hordak, She-Ra's enemy and Skeletor's professional rival, who honks and slurps every few lines. Or Orko, who squeaks and rhymes, spending most of the special being captured by some bad guy. The characters without annoying voices, like He-Man and his sister, speak exclusively in banal catchphrases. The plot is both needlessly convoluted and ridiculously simple. It's a series of encounters between a bunch of inconsequential assholes, the heroes chasing plot devices or captured allies. What about those fucking kids? God, they're irritating. When they aren't whining, their spouting off exposition about Christmas for their new alien friends. They even have a song, a painfully saccharine musical number.
So what does “He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special” offer a Eternia skeptic like me? Skeletor being an endearing doofus, that's what. The show characterizes the villain as a bumbling employee, struggling against his own incompetence to please his finicky boss. The spirit of the holiday and the sickeningly sweet kid get to the skull-faced bad guy. He's inability to understand Christmas, and his dismay at being corrupted by the holly jolly festivities, are way funnier than probably was intended. Otherwise, I think I greatly prefer my “He-Man” to include Dolph Lundgren murdering people. Good luck with that one-hundredth attempt at a reboot, Mattel. [5/10]
Robert Mitchum's greatest legacy as an actor is his villainous roles. Mitchum's name is synonymous with roles like Max Cady and Reverend Powell, psychopaths driven by deviant sexual desires to to prey on women and children. Of course, Mitchum played many heroic roles, in westerns, film noirs, and movies like “The Story of G.I. Joe.” Yet, even during the main years of his career, there's no Mitchum movie quite like “Holiday Affair,” a light-hearted romantic comedy set around Christmas. Rumor has it, Mitchum was given the role following his arrest for marijuana possession. Though a flop in 1949, Turner Classic Movies' seasonal airing of the film has granted it some more attention.
Connie Ennis is a single mom and a widower. She supports herself with a job as a comparison shopper, working for one store but buying items from another. It doesn't pay much but Connie and her son Timmy still have a degree of happiness. Connie also being courted by Carl, a successful professional man who wants to marry her. While buying an expensive toy train set, Connie catches the eye of Steve Mason, a clerk at a New York department store. Connie and Steve strike up a strange friendship, primarily because she blames herself for him getting fired. As Christmas approaches, the two men begin to compete for the woman's heart.
So how does Robert Mitchum fare as a romantic lead? One of those reason Mitchum's villainous roles are so compelling is because he was an incredibly charismatic performer. This evident in “Holiday Affair.” Steve Mason is a somewhat charming guy. When chatting with a squirrel or gifting a tie to a homeless man, he seems like a nice enough fellow. He has Mitchum's other roles can't help but cast an ominous shadow over the film. When he's playing with Timmy, it's impossible not to think of “Night of the Hunger.” When he sneaks up behind Connie and kisses her forcibly, “Cape Fear” comes to mind. This is no fault of the filmmakers or Mitchum. The parallels are just unavoidable.
As a Janet Leigh vehicle, “Holiday Affair” is a little less unintentionally creepy. As a widow struggling to provide for her child, Leigh is likable. She's vulnerable but never lets her character seem too weak. That she's usually resisting the romantic advances of one man or another emphasizes that strength of sorts. It also helps a lot that Leigh has fine chemistry with her co-stars. Perhaps most important is her interaction with Gordon Gebert, who plays her son, Timmy. Gebert is a genuinely adorable kid. The way he sneaks peaks at the gifts his mother brings home seem authentic and cute. He's not just a cutesy kid, since he actually tries to help his mom and Mason out at one point, advancing the plot.
Honestly, the cast is probably what keeps “Holiday Affair” afloat. As a romantic film, it's got some problems. Connie is pulled between two guys and neither seem great for her. Carl is emotionally manipulative and not great with kids. Steve Mason is a lot nicer, looser, and funnier. But he also has boundary issues, continuing to pursue the girl even after she reveals she has a fiance. This peaks during a supremely awkward Christmas party with her parents, where he announces his feelings for the girl in front of everyone. Luckily, the comedy aspects work a little better. When Mason ends up in a court house, the judge's reaction to the absurd details of the case got a chuckle out of me. There's also a mildly funny scene involving an over-sized pair of pajamas.
“Holiday Affair” has been overlooked throughout the years and that's about right. I just finished the movie a half-hour ago and the details are already starting to drift from my mind. The central idea behind the film, of casting Robert Mitchum against type, ends up backfire, at least from a modern perspective. (Considering at least one poster made the movie look more like a anoir than anything else, maybe it's just not a modern problem.) However, the movie's cast is solid, there's one or two funny bits, and the kid is cute. And, hey, the Christmas atmosphere is strong too, which I also appreciate. The film is apparently well regarded enough to receive a television remake in 1996. Fluffy and forgettable, but totally serviceable on those terms, “Holiday Affair” is worth your time. [7/10]
“Darkwing Duck” – Disney's mash-up of “Ducktales” and “The Shadow” – is a fondly remembered bit of nineties nostaglia. This probably has more to do with its insanely catchy theme song and infectious catch phrase – “Let's get dangerous!” – more than anything else. The few times I've revisited the shot, I've found that it holds up better than expected. Despite being set in a world populated with humanoid ducks and mammals, Christmas is still celebrated in the city of St. Canard. “It's a Wonderful Leaf” concerns Bushroot, a supervillain that can control plant life. After a bad experience at a shopping mall, the bad guy begins a war against the holiday, using Christmas trees as his soldiers. Naturally, Darkwing Duck has to step in and save the day.
“Darkwing Duck” still works primarily because of its excellent voice cast. Jim Cummings' scratchy voice brings a nice manic energy to Darkwing and his civilian identity. His delivery of the hero's alliterative proclamations are especially amusing. The late great Christine Cavanaugh – who also voiced Chuckie Finster, Babe, Dexter, and Bunnie Rabbot – voices his mischievous daughter, Gosalyn, who mostly gets to react sarcastically to her dad's crimefighting antics. Naturally, she learns a lesson about charity before the episode is up. Dom DeLuise-soundalike Tino Insana plays Bushwick as a surprisingly sympathetic bad guy, who mostly begins his crime spree to being rejected by society.
It's a good thing that the voice cast is so strong because “It's a Wonderful Leaf” is not the show's most inspired half-hour. There's a few solid gags. Darkwing gets his beak stuck to a cold fire hydrant and, during a sleigh-assisted chase scene, has a gift box dropped on his head. Otherwise, the humor is not especially strong. The dialogue is full of puns, many of which are groaners. A bully character gets repeatedly dunked on, in a way that almost feels mean-spirited. A flying sled gag goes on for way too long. So this is obviously a program intended for young kids but it still made me laugh a few times, so I'll call it about even. [6/10]
Once again, my “Why Do I Own This?” column forces me to consider the career of Terry “Hulk” Hogan. Not his career as the Man Who Took Down Gawker with a Racist Sex Tape. Nor his career as perhaps the most iconic pro-wrestler of all time. I'm talking about that brief period in time when Hulk Hogan was allowed to star in movies. Due to his all-American face antics inside the ring appealing primarily to kids, most of Hogan's movies aimed for the primary school crowd. After the doldrums of quasi-hits like “Suburban Commando” and “Mr. Nanny,” Hogan's acting career more-or-less bottomed out with “Santa with Muscles.” The yuletide kiddie comedy is widely considered one of the worst Christmas movies of all time. Even as a kid, when I could reasonably consider myself a fan of Hogan, I missed this movie existing. Despite all this, for some reason, “Santa with Muscles” resides in my DVD collection. Good God, why?
The Hulkster stars as Blake Thorn. A bodybuilding millionaire who has built his fortune on diet supplements and narcissism, he goes on a crazy motorcycle-and-paintball trip with his cronies. Their riotous adventures ends up attracting the police. Blake ducks out of the high speed pursuit and into a shopping mall. By the way, it's close to Christmas, though the snowless California December makes that hard to guess. Blake grabs a Santa Claus suit as a disguise. He then bumps his head and catches that type of amnesia that only exist in movies. Blake wakes up believing himself to be Santa Claus. He heroically foils a robbery before becoming the defender of an orphanage threatened by a mad scientist.
At the same time, “Santa with Muscles” is also a really weird and, occasionally, interestingly stupid movie. Ed Begley Jr.'s bad guy is introduced ordering his henchman to torture another man. The aforementioned henchmen each have an odd gimmick. One guy is a doctor that knows kung-fu, another wears a beekeeper outfit and sprays methane gas. The sole female has electric superpowers. The quartet drive around in an ice cream truck, for unexplained reasons. It almost seems like “Santa with Muscles” was trying to be a superhero movie of sorts, as one of the orphans designs Blake a costume and a utility belt. (She's inspired by her favorite comic book hero, named Mega Man presumably because the screenwriters were unfamiliar with Capcom.) Things get even weirder when one orphan mentions magical fairies living in the church. This precedes the heroes discovering a secret cavern located under the building... A cave full of a rare type of hugely valuable crystals... Crystals that explode when struck or stepped on. I really didn't see that insanity coming.
In “Santa with Muscles,” Hulk Hogan essentially has to play two separate characters. This stretches Hogan's limited acting abilities far past their breaking point. In his early scenes, as the narcissistic millionaire, Hogan acts broadly. He coughs up list of asshole life rules, like a less murderous/more tanned version of Patrick Bateman. After receiving his bump on the head, Hogan begins playing Blake as a slightly clueless defender of the innocent. The highlights of Hogan's acting include a stilted television interview, which is less amusing and more genuinely awkward, and a singing scene. Yes, the Hulkster sings an insipid pop song with the little girl called “Angel Baby.” Hogan's singing abilities do not inspire much awe.
As in “Suburban Commando,” “Santa with Muscles” packs its supporting cast full of talented performers, in order to make up for Hogan's limited star power. Ed Begley Jr.'s performance as the bad guy, a germaphobe who eventually walks around in a space suit, is manic and goofy. He certainly acts circles around Hogan. Steve Valentine happily hams it up as Doctor Blight, the kung-fu kicking doctor who swings his stethoscope like a nun-chuck. Character actor Don Stark appears as Lenny, the mall elf who becomes Blake's unwitting sidekick. Though initially hoping to simply steal Blake's millions, Stark's Lenny always comes around to the ways of love and charity. Clint Howard gets the film's sole intentionally funny line, as a beat cop incensed by Blake's “Santa fraud.” Lastly, future star and sex symbol Mila Kunis appears as the snarkiest of the orphans. It's clear to see Kunis' talent, even when cracking lame jokes about comic books. She has a likable energy and clearly loves performing, even at this age.
Why Do I Own This?: I own “Santa with Muscles” mostly because I enjoy having a movie called “Santa with Muscles” on my DVD rack. Is it a terrible, incredibly stupid movie? Absolutely. Yet, as obviously bad as the film is, there's something weirdly endearing about how dumb it is. There's a lot of weirdness in this dumb-ass kid's movie, which contrasts in an interesting way with its sappy elements. Calling it one of the worst Christmas movies of all time is understandable but not entirely fair. There's probably holiday stuff out there equally dumb but lacking this film's half-witted moments of oddball inspiration. [5/10]
I can't recall how “All is Bright” got onto my holiday watchlist. It's the third film from director Phil Morrison, whose “Junebug” was critically praised when it came out. I, however, have never seen that movie. I vaguely remember seeing it on store shelves. I guess the thought of a slightly downbeat Christmas-themed comedy, starring Paul Giamatti and Paul Rudd, was enough to appeal to me? Whatever the reason, I decided to give it a watch this December. While the film's reviews were mixed, I actually had a good time with it.
It's December and Dennis, a Canadian thief, has recently been released from a four year stint in prison. He attempts to patch up his relationship with Therese, his ex-wife. Instead, he discover that Therese has told their daughter, Michi, that he's dead. Moreover, she's also begun a relationship with Rene, Dennis' former partner in crime. Though deeply hurt, Dennis is committed to going straight. He teams up with Rene, who has gotten a gig selling Christmas trees in New York City. Business is slow and the men have to grapple with their personal and professional failures.
“All is Bright” has a fairly melancholic tone. The world keeps presenting Dennis with challenges, seemingly trying to force him back to a life of crime. The two have trouble selling trees at first, largely thanks to a flashier tree business across the street. While using a bathroom at a near-by dinner, the vulgar owner kicks him out. Rene is more upbeat but eventually cracks under pressure. Despite this, the movie frequently has laughs. Rene's ringtone, a chirping pop tune, becomes funnier and more incongruous every time we hear it. A stand-out scene has Dennis confronting Rene over Therese. At the same time, a pair of fratboy bros are attempting to buy a tree. It's not long before the dudes start commenting on the situation. Eventually, Dennis takes his rage out on an inflatable elf instead. These are not exactly gut-busting moments but I found them pretty funny.
One of the greatest pleasures of the film are its performance. Dennis is an almost prototypical Paul Giamatti performance. He's grouchy and slightly off-putting. Yet he's trying to do better, which is represented by the character struggling to quit smoking. Ultimately, it's apparent that Dennis' prickly exterior has a lot to do with bitterness and disappointment. Paul Rudd's Rene is an ideal contrast. He's sunny and upbeat. Rudd manages to make that old comedy chestnut of a goofy Canadian accent amusing again. Sally Hawkin appears as the foul-mouthed Russian maid that Giamatti befriends. Their scenes together are delightful. Hawkin makes the character's brutal honesty, like when she tells Dennis to take a sweater because he stinks, endearing instead of annoying.
“All is Bright” has a few flaws. Not too much happens, story-wise. This is a film primarily devoted to two guys standing around, arguing with each other. The script is also fairly predictable. When the guys' Christmas tree business finally turns around, and they make all the money they need, it's easy to guess that something will happen to the cash. (Though that doesn't make the inevitable loss any less felt.) It's not difficult to imagine Dennis' criminal relapse either. However, I found the movie's themes of forgiveness – self-forgiveness, especially – touching. Mistakes are made but they are also moved past, allowing everyone to grow closer together.
That theme is also befitting the Christmas setting. Despite the story not really concerning the holiday that much, “All is Bright” piles on the December atmosphere. The soundtrack is filled with jazzy and low-key renditions of classic Christmas songs. An especially inspired inclusion is Tracey Thorn's “Joy,” a powerful and lovely song about the unifying power of the holiday, which factors into separate scenes. “All is Bright” is probably too prickly, perhaps by design, to become a holiday classic. However, I found myself enjoying, mainly for the strong performances and the more emotional. [7/10]
During last year's review of “A Space Ghost: Coast to Coast Christmas,” I referenced the series' other Christmas episode, promising to review it the next year. And, thus, the time has come. “Girl Hair” is an especially nonsensical episode of the always absurd series. The special guest is Hanson, back when they were the prettiest of the pretty boy bands that were popular in the late nineties. The guys' long, girlish hair inspires Space Ghost to go on a quest to find a comb for them. Really dumb and goofy shenanigans ensue.
Most of “Girl Hair's” humor arises from Space Ghost acting extremely strange. Hanson, to their benefit, are willing to play along. They ask to be blast with his power bands and seem to enjoy it. Afterwards, Space Ghost takes them camping and regales them with a ghost story about a mad combing. They then visit his apartment, travel through space, sing nonsense songs, and become accessories to holiday-related manslaughter. Zorak, meanwhile, spends most of the episode trying to get new teeth so women will like him. I have no doubt that some will find this insultingly stupid but it greatly tickles my funny bone.
What does any of this have to do with Christmas? Santa Claus appears in an especially disturbing digression near the episode's end. On his way back to the studio, after driving Hanson around, Space Ghost runs over what he thinks is the Tooth Fairy. Back home, he's met by old St. Nick... Who praises Space Ghost for killing the Tooth Fairy. Because he wants to steal chidlren's teeth, to make bizarre and disturbing toys. Santa is then revealed to be Bizarro Santa, a grotesque and throbbing monster version of everyone's favorite holiday icon. The episode then goes completely nuts. When this show first aired, it was one of the weirdest things I had ever seen on television.
“Girl Hair' is not a five-star Space Ghost experience. However, that incredibly weird ending earns it some major points. And, yes, I realize this is really stretching the definition of Christmas-related media. But this is my blog and we play by my rules. That's the way Space Ghost would want it. [7/10]
