Christmas 2016: December 22

Jack Frost (1997)

During the late nineties, video store shelves were flooded with cheaply produced horror flicks, movies made expressly for the straight-to-video market. “Jack Frost” would probably be as forgotten as most of these flicks if a few things didn't gift it some infamy. Firstly, its ridiculous premise – a killer snowman – wouldn't go unnoticed by some horror fans. Secondly, it was released on video around the same time as an identically entitled family film with a similar premise, leading to some amusing mix-ups. Lastly, and maybe most importantly, the VHS box had an eye-catching holographic cover. “Jack Frost's” cult following is most apparent in its recent reissue on Blu Ray, from the fine folks at Vinegar Syndrome.

After a lengthy manhunt, serial killer Jack Frost has been apprehended. Around Christmas time, the police cruiser carrying him towards execution collides with a truck hulling an experimental acid. The acid fuses Frost's genetic structure with the snow around him. The serial killer is reborn as an animated snowman, able to shift from a liquid to a solid at will. Jack returns to the small town of Snowmonton, to take his revenge on the sheriff responsible for his capture. Along the way, he reeks plenty of holiday-flavored mayhem.

“Jack Frost” is, of course, a completely ridiculous movie. This is most apparent in its titular villain. A killer snowman is a premise that, perhaps, could've been salvaged, if made by an especially gifted filmmaker. Director Michael Cooney, probably because of the meager budget he had to work with, wasn't that guy. The evil snowlem is brought to life through a very unconvincing suit. Jack looks more like a twisted Pillsbury Dough Boy then a snowman. It's even worst when he has to move, which is usually accomplished by the snowman stiffly shuffling around. The thing's arms barely move. Then again, the movie never attempts to turn Frost into a serious threat. The filmmakers knew he was silly. Accordingly, Jack mostly speaks in snowman or Christmas related puns.

So “Jack Frost” goes for humor, more often then not. How else are you suppose to respond to an evil snowman shoving an ax handle down a guy's throat or smashing a woman's face into a box of Christmas ornaments? Or, for that matter, cracking ice puns while shooting icicles at someone? The most notorious moment occurs when Jack sneaks into a young Shannon Elizabeth's bathtub, leading to a rape scene that would be offensive if it wasn't so ridiculous. Yet the film's more obvious attempts at humor tend to fall flat. Such as a reoccuring gag about snowballs or the protagonist's son baking anti-freeze into his cookies. A moment when the snowman's body is mixed up is especially baffling. The awful special effects lead to some unintentional laughs, such as when the snowman awkwardly decapitates a schoolyard bully.

As you'd expect, the acting in “Jack Frost” is quite terrible. The film begins with a ridiculous bit of narration, a faux British uncle telling Jack's story to an unconvincingly voiced little girl. Scott McDonald plays the title lending villain. As a human, he mugs furiously. As a snowman, he broadly delivers a series of increasingly dumb snow puns. Christopher Allport as the heroic sheriff is attempting to take the material seriously, though you can see he's struggling to do so. Stephen Mendel plays Agent Manners, an FBI agent pursuing Frost. Mendel is attempting to play the part as a serio-comic bad-ass. He gets a few laughs but his performance is mostly too tongue in cheek, even for a movie like this. Every other actor in the film is awful, even those that would attain some future fame, like Shannon Elizabeth.

“Jack Frost” ladles on the Christmas atmosphere, except for one element you might expect. Apparently, the movie was filmed during an unseasonably hot winter. Meaning there's very little snow in this movie about a snowman. Once you see this, that the little amount of snow on-screen is clearly fake, it becomes impossible not to notice. The filmmakers would work around this problem for the sequel – yes, there's a sequel – by setting the story in a tropical setting. I'm not sure how that works and, I'm sure you're sad to know, I won't get to part two this December. As for the original “Jack Frost,” it's an entirely ridiculous attempt at a horror/comedy but isn't without its brain dead charms. [6/10]

Jack Frost (1979)

If I have accomplished nothing else this December, I have cleared up a few blind spots concerning the various Rankin/Bass Christmas specials. 1979's “Jack Frost” is another one I've seen advertised for years but have never actually sat down and watched before. Considering his supporting parts in previous stories, I guess it was about time Rankin/Bass gave the frosty sprite his own special. “Jack Frost” follows the titular winter spirit. After a young lass expresses an affection for the invisible entity, Frost requests his dad, the powerful Father Winter, grant him human form. If Jack can find a horse, a house, and a wife before spring, he'll stay human. If not, he'll return to his intangible form. Unlucky for Jack, his quest for person hood runs into a local petty tyrant subjugating the village of January Junction.

Plot wise, “Jack Frost” recalls various legends about fairies falling in love with humans. This being Rankin/Bass, the studio had to put their own suitably bizarre spin on the material. Jack Frost resides in a kingdom in the sky, cohabiting with other wintry sprites. Father Winter is powerful enough to control the weather but, strangely, takes his orders from a singing, dancing groundhog. That groundhog narrates the special, despite his loose connection to the rest of the story. Pardon-Me Pete, because the studio didn't want to mention Punxsutawney for some reason, is voiced by a lisping Buddy Hackett. Pete periodically interrupts the story to sing or narrate some more.

Among the sky-dwelling sprites are tailors who cut out the individual snowflakes and a troupe of dancing “snow gypsies.” After Jack transforms into a person, two of the above are sent to Earth to keep an eye on the guy. This is but one way the special undermines its own protagonist. Jack Frost is a surprisingly ineffective hero. He makes one attempt to scale the villain's icy fortress, quickly giving up after sliding off the slick wall. Later, while attempting to rescue his love interest, Jack is captured by the same bad guy. (The girl, meanwhile, is rescued by Sir Ravenal, an Arthurian knight who enters the story halfway through.) He gives up his humanity, becoming a sprite again, to escape. Upon returning to Earth, he basically lucks into everything he needs to save the day. In what could've been a tragic turn, the girl ultimately rejects Jack's romantic offers in favor of the knight. In effect, not letting Frost get the girl just makes him look even more like an ineffective ninny.

And what of that bad guy? Like the Burgermeister from “Santa Claus is Coming to Town,” Kubla Kraus is an asshole dictator who lords over a small town. (Both are voiced by Paul Frees, which would be notable if Paul Frees hadn't voiced ten thousand other cartoon characters.) Instead of barking weird laws, Kubla Kraus simply illegally taxes the residents until they have no money at all. Because he's such a miserable asshole, the villain has no friends. To make up for this, he has built a legion of steampunk servants and companions. The weirdest of which is a hand puppet named Dummy. The relationship between the bad guy and his ventriloquism-themed partner is disturbingly similar to Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat from “South Park.” Like every other Rankin?Bass villain, Kraus is also a buffoon, undone by his own foolishness as much by the hero's actions.

There's not too much to recommend about “Jack Frost.” The musical numbers aren't very memorable. Pardon-Me-Pete gets a number about Groundhog's Day, which totally derails the story and even makes you question the film's status as a Christmas special. The title song, “Jack Frost is Here,” has an obnoxious chorus. The bad guy's “There's the Rub” is as odd as the character is. “Jack Frost” is definitely mid-tier Rankin/Bass and not as good as “Rudolph” or “Frosty.” No, the special doesn't explain how Frost became a bad guy in “Frosty's Winter Wonderland,” not that I was expecting it to do that. [5/10]

Christmas 2016: December 21

We’re No Angels (1955)

Will any classic cinema fans stab me if I admit anything less then total affection for Humphrey Bogart? I really enjoyed “The Maltese Falcon” but have found most of his films to be rather disappointing. Then again, I'm still intrigued enough by the legend of Bogey to give some of his flicks a shot. Such as “We're No Angels,” a Christmas-set dark comedy he starred in from 1955. The film's director, Michael Curtiz, had a diverse career that winded through classic horror films like “Mystery at the Wax Museum,” to classic adventure films like “The Sea Hawk,” to highly regarded dramas like “Mildred Pierce,” to glitzy musicals like “Yankee Doodle Dandy.” Most prominently to this review, Curtiz also made “Casablanca” and “White Christmas.” I'd be willing to take a chance on this one based on that resume.

Set during a balmy tropical December, three criminals escape the infamous Devil's Island prison colony. They hide out on a near-by island, posing as three convicts on a work release. They find employment at a small, family-owned shop. Initially, they claim to be there just to rob the place. Eventually, the three scoundrels find themselves growing attached to the family, especially the young daughter. When the asshole landowner of the shop threatens the family, the men find themselves working together to save their new friends.

If nothing else, “We're No Angels” has a great cast. The central trio is made up of Bogart, Aldo Ray and Peter Ustinov. Each part is seemingly tailor-made for the actors' established personas. Bogart's  Joseph has a slithering, snake-like charm. He nonchalantly speaks about the wicked acts he's performed in the past, while remaining likable, and even funny, to the audience. Ustinov's Jules is effete and literate, peppering his speech with high-brow phrases. Amusingly, Ustinov occasionally hints at the character's murderous past. Aldo Ray's Albert is a bulky simpleton with a kind heart but an occasionally casual attitude towards crimes. The banter the three share is probably the most endearing aspect of “We're No Angels.”

The idea of a band of crooked con men being won over by a family of wholesome folks isn't exactly a new idea, not even in 1955. “We're No Angels” gets passed how expected this outcome is in two ways. First off, it maintains the moral ambiguity of the criminals up until the very end. Secondly, it makes the family genuinely lovable. Leo G. Carroll and Joan Bennett have a genuinely lovable chemistry as the married couple. The age difference between them is acknowledged, and mostly overcomes, thanks to how much Bennett seems to care for the guy. Most notable is Gloria Talbott, who I recognize from creature features like “The Leech Woman” and “I Married a Monster from Outer Space,” as the daughter. Talbott projects a sense of wide-eyed innocence. She's so sweet that you genuinely buy a trio of heartless murderers falling for her.

“We're No Angels” provides decent laughs throughout, mostly thanks to the interplay between the actors. The scenes of Bogart acting as a store clerk are amusing, especially when he sells a man the same suit twice. More humor emerges when the story's villain, the cruel shop owner played by a perfectly bitchy Basil Rothbone. This pairs with the subplot concerning Talbott's love interest, Bothbone's equally greedy nephew. Another supporting player is Adolphe, Ray's pet snake. This reptilian ends up saving the day twice over, during an amusingly concise conclusion that wraps up all the script's lingering story lines.

“We're No Angels” was based off a stage play, which is quite evident at times. Most of the film is set inside the shop. It's even easy to imagine how the convicts, stepping from the ceiling through a moon roof, would play out on stage. Despite being set around the holidays, and featuring a Christmas tree in a few scenes, “We're No Angels” isn't especially heavy on the seasonal atmosphere. Setting your Christmas movie in the tropics will do that for you. Though not especially well regarded, “We're No Angels” is well-known enough to have been loosely remade in 1989. That version totally dropped the Christmas connection, meaning I'll never have to watch it. As for the original, it's a charming, suitably entertaining comedy. [7/10]

Space Ghost: Coast to Coast: A Space Ghost Christmas

Among 2016's staggering list of celebrity causalities was C. Martin Croker. As the voice of Zorak and Moltar on “Space Ghost: Coast to Coast,” Croker made essential contributions to my developing, boyhood sense of humor. Disappointingly, the prototype to Cartoon Network's Adult Swim block never had a proper Christmas episode. However, on Christmas day in 1994, Cartoon Network did create some unique, holiday-themed wrap-around segments for a”SG:C2C”  marathon. This “Space Ghost Christmas” survives as a DVD bonus feature and internet short. Naturally, the collection of skits are almost plotless, revolving around Space Ghost forcing his super villain co-host to perform a series of Christmas songs.

Since “A Space Ghost Christmas” was designed to be played during the daytime, it doesn't feature as much surreal humor and naughty swearing as the regular episodes do. The gags are toned down to merely ridiculous, instead of the show's usual totally insane tone. However, there are still some bits worth praising. Such as Space Ghost's bizarre invitation for Zorak to join him under the mistletoe. Or the superhero forcing director Moltar to literally rewind a scene. As always, the voice cast blend totally straight line-readings with goofy inflections.

Most of “A Space Ghost Christmas' revolves around the goofy, holiday song parodies. Zorak, despite wearing a Santa hat, rarely plays along with the festivities. He literally clicks his way through “Up on the Rooftop.” Later, he fills the chorus of “Deck the Halls” with “gabba gabba hey.” This seems to foreshadow the punk rock variation on “Jingle Bells” the mantis later performs. Afterwards, Space Ghost drags more of his D-list rogues gallery – including such luminaries as Tansit and break-out character Brak – to perform an especially bizarre version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” The episode concludes with the whole cast coming together for a riotous slaughtering of “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” First, they mix “Happy Birthday” into the Christmas carol before throwing seemingly every other holiday into the song.

As always, there's no guarantee that this kind of gleefully stupid absurdity will appeal to everyone. I find it pretty funny though. While “Space Ghost: Coast to Coast” would never feature a full-length holiday episode, Santa Claus would appear in a future installment. Maybe I should watch that one next December? You can bet on it. [7/10]

Christmas 2016: December 20

The Night Before (2015)

It took me a while to warm up to Seth Rogen and the band of Judd Apatow approved comedians he associates with. I found “Knocked Up” to be a bit diminishing in its gender politics and “Superbad” to be somewhat obnoxious. I think “This is the End” is when Rogen and his frequent collaborator, Evan Goldberg, won me over. That film's combination of clever vulgarity, high-strung absurdity, and chemistry among the cast was highly amusing. This trend continued in “The Interview” and “Sausage Party.” “The Night Before” seemed to be Rogen and friends' take on the Christmas movie. (Though it was directed by Jonathan Levine, with Goldberg taking a producer's credit instead.) A friend nearly talked me into seeing this in the theaters last year. When I passed, I figured I'd give it a look this December instead.

When he was a teenager, around Christmas Eve, Ethan's parents died in a car accident. In order to get his mind off mourning, his best friends Isaac and Chris took him out for a wild night of partying. This began a tradition, where the trio go out for a night on the town every December 24th. However, their lives are changing. Isaac is an expectant father. Chris has become a successful sports celebrity. Ethan, meanwhile, is having trouble getting over the end of a relationship. These life events are prompting an end to the Christmas tradition, which Ethan can't accept. As the night of partying arrives, Ethan gets his friends into the exclusive Nutcracker Ball, the craziest Christmas party in New York.

“The Night Before” isn't as ridiculously over-the-top, nor as consistently hilarious, as “This is the End.” The film does, however, features some similarly big gags. Rogen's Isaac spends most of the film tripping on one form of drug or another. This leads to some especially amusing sequences. Such as when he leaves a drug-addled, profane video message to his future self, laying out his anxieties about fatherhood. Or when he looses his cool at Catholic mass, believing a talking baby to be trash-talking him. Maybe my favorite gag is comparatively quieter, when Rogen has a calm discussion with a seemingly talking Nativity. Some of the other actors get comedic gags to themselves. Anthony Mackie's Chris has an acrobatic encounter with a groupie in a bathroom. Afterwards, he realizes she has picked his pockets. The girl turns out to be a professional grinch, citing the Wet Bandits and Hans Gruber as heroes. This amusingly absurd climaxes with a chase across a rooftop.

“The Night Before” has something else in common with “This is the End.” The film is peppered with celebrity cameos. Tracy Morgan's immediately recognizable voice provides the opening narration. Miley Cyrus appears as herself, having fun goofing on her former Hannah Montana image. Rogen's frequent on-screen pal James Franco has an entertaining bit part as a guy who realizes his increasingly bisexuality over the course of the night. The best cameo is Michael Shannon as a weirdly philosophical drug dealer. Shannon's perfectly tuned deadpan makes his bizarre declarations even funnier. (He also hands over time-traveling joints, which is a nice bit.) The cameos end up  overshadowing many of the Christmas elements. Though even a few of those, like Joseph Gordon Levitt getting into a fist fight with a pair of Santas or Rogen's Jewish character being accused of crucifying the Messiah, hit home.

“The Night Before” strings its broad, potty-mouthed gags around a story about friends growing apart. Some of these moments fall flat. A tense confrontation between Ethan and Chris has both men admitting their failings, while nearly canceling the night. Despite the best efforts of Lizzy Caplan and Mindy Kaling, the romantic subplot is a bit of a snore. In a nice subversion, Ethan's big romantic gesture doesn't immediately win the girl back. However, the two still end up back together by the end. Better is the film's reflections on how friendships change over time. The climatic sequence, which reaffirms the characters' bond, is sweet while remaining funny.

“The Night Before” takes a while to find its comedic groove. The earlier scenes have trouble balancing sentiment and absurdity. Eventually, the film gives in to its vulgar tendencies, focusing primarily on creating goofball laughs. That's not a complaint, as the broad gags suit the film better then the sentimentality. It's not Christmas viewing appropriate for most family gatherings but did make me laugh pretty frequently, thanks to a sharply ridiculous script and the charms of the lead performers. [7/10]

Olive, the Other Reindeer (1999)

“Olive, the Other Reindeer” was a Christmas special that premiered on Fox in 1999, amid much hype from the network. It was produced by Matt Groaning and featured several “Simpsons” and “Futurama” cast members. Despite being based on a well-like kids book, “Olive” wouldn't become a perennial classic. For some reason, I've always remembered it and decided to give it a look this year. Olive is an enthusiastic Jack Russell Terrier who loves Christmas. Her holiday glee is threatened when Santa announces he's canceling his flight. The dog mishears “all of the other reindeer” as “Olive, the other reindeer” and assumes Santa is summoning her. She travels to the North Pole, befriending a slick penguin and confronting a mean postman, in hopes of saving Christmas.

Maybe “Olive” doesn't get yearly showing because its was animated with CGI. Though top of the line in 1999, the animation looks dated now. However, by mimicking the paper cutout illustrations of the original book, the special maintains its own likable sense of style. This matches the surprisingly witty script. The jokes are kid friendly without being mindless. Olive's frequently un-dog-like behavior is often referenced. She escapes from a tricky situation thanks to a package addressed to “Deus Ex Machina.” Olive has her own pet, a flea named Fido. The flea's bad hearing has him amusingly mangling a message from Olive's master. She befriends a penguin named Martini who is, essentially, a con artist. He sells knock-off Rolexes and pilfered stationary. The titular characters isn't the only one with a mondegreen name. Characters named Round John Bergin (as in "round yon virgin") and Richard Stands (as in "for which it stands") also appear. The former character is met in a North Pole bar occupied by hardened talking reindeer and bunny rabbits. A playful silliness characterizes much of the special.

Maybe because of Groaning's involvement, “Olive” attracted some A-list voice talent. Drew Barrymore plays Olive, bringing an airy sprightliness to the part. Barrymore's cute delivery is perfectly suited to the part.  Joe Pantoliano gets some of the best lines as Martini the Penguin. Memorable jokes include a comment about a waitress, the villain in disguise, liking him and another concerning how breaking-and-entering laws affect Santa Claus. Ed Asner is nicely crusty as Santa, one who can't be bothered to remember his various catchphrases. Dan “Homer” Castellaneta has the showiest part as the villainous Postman. Extending his Vincent Price impersonation to feature length, Castellaneta preens and hams it up to glorious levels. Keen-earred listeners will recognize Groaning regulars Billy West and Tress MacNeille among the bit parts.

Being a Christmas special, “Olive” features some original songs. Several singers are cast in supporting parts, with Michael Stipe and the Big Bad Voodoo Daddies appearing as reindeer. Both, naturally, get songs to themselves. Their numbers are good but Castellaneta's song, entitled “Bah, Bug, and Hum!,” is probably the musical highlight of the special. Barrymore's singing voice is quite limited but I still like her opening number. As I said, “Olive, the Other Reindeer” doesn't get shown much anymore. I think it's definitely worth revisiting though, as it's a funny, cute holiday special that can easily be enjoyed by both the grown-ups and the kids. [7/10]

Christmas 2016: December 19

Happy Christmas (2014)

In the space of time it'll take you to read this review, Joe Swanberg will probably make another movie. “Happy Christmas” is the 16th feature film Swanberg has directed. Keep in mind, he made all of those films in about nine years. I don't know what Swanberg's secret is, how he's able to direct sometimes as many as four features in a single year. But I've got a theory. Most of his films belong to the “mumblecore” subgenre. If you don't know what that is, it refers to loosely scripted and plotted films made quickly and cheaply. They're usually about twenty-somethings, navigating romance and looking for their place in the world. I'm not a big fan of the style but some people told me “Happy Christmas” was pretty good. And, hey, it's December. Any movie with “Christmas” in its title is welcomed, I decided to give it a shot.

Jenny is an aimless twenty-something, unemployed and directionless. Around Christmas, she moves in with her brother, Jeff. Jeff is a successful filmmaker. Meanwhile, his wife Kelly has deferred her dreams of being a novelist to focus on raising their two year old son. Jenny shakes up the couple's life, as she encourages Kelly to begin seriously writing again. Jenny's rudderless ways – her tendency towards getting black-out drunk and making big mistakes – soon begins to interrupt the couple's wedded bliss.

If the above plot synopsis didn't make it apparent, “Happy Christmas” is a typical mumblecore flick. It has all the elements you associate with the style. The main character is a hapless, youthful hipster. An important subplot concerns Jenny's budding relationship with a male friend. Any time they get close to having sex, something spoils the mood. Nobody in the movie has a real job, as everyone is a writer, filmmaker, musician, or drug dealer. Moreover, Jenny never attempts to seek out employment. Characters frequently get drunk or high. Having said that, the film is more likable then the usual mumblecore flicks. It doesn't have any up-its-own-ass pretensions. There's a light conversational tone that makes up for the lack of plot.

This aspect is best displayed during – go figure – long dialogue scenes. My favorite of which revolve around Kelly's struggles to return to writing. Jenny talks her sister-in-law into writing a smutty romance novel, figuring that would be commercially viable. They collaborate on the project, along with Jenny's boisterous friend Carson. Watching the three women brainstorm ideas is amusing. Especially once the conversation turns towards what synonyms for genitalia are sexy. Or how hard writing can actually be, a difficulty lost on Jenny. It helps that the cast is full of charming people. Anna Kendrick, Melanie Lynskie, and even the widely disliked Lena Dunham are clearly having a fun time shooting the shit with each other.

“Happy Christmas,” like many of Swanberg's films, runs a compact 82 minutes. It rambles along amicably for most of that time. In the last ten minutes, the script bows to the pressure of narrative storytelling. Something must happen to direct the film towards its conclusion. In this case, it's two  pretty dumb events. Jenny has an argument with her boyfriend. Instead of staying there and having sex with her, he has to leave in the morning to visit family on Christmas. (Considering this is the super adorable Anna Kendrick we're talking about here, I would've found a way to do both.) Bummed out, she puts a pie in the oven, smokes a bowl, and passes out. The burning pie sets off the fire alarm, which angers Jeff. In a frank overreaction, he screams at his sister and kicks her out. Considering the mumblecore genre prides itself on naturalistic plotting, contrived events like these stick out badly. It also makes the shrug of an ending even more disappointing.

Still, the laid back charm of its cast takes “Happy Christmas” a long way. It made me laugh a few times and is, ultimately, too minor to offend. The Christmas elements are fairly tangential to the plot. Christmas trees, snow, and gifts appear in the background but barely affect the story. I'm still not really a fan of the mumblecore style, as a stronger script clearly would've improved the film. Still, it wasn't bad. By the way, Swanberg has slowed down slightly in recent years. Now he's only making two films a year instead of three or four. [6/10]

'Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974)

Here's another Rankin/Bass special that I've seen advertised for years but have never sat down and watched before. You wouldn't think the original “A Visit from St. Nicolas” poem would provide much material for even a half-hour movie. Leave it to Rankin/Bass, experts at expanding short songs into television specials, to cook up a suitably bizarre plot around Clement Clarke Moore's classic tale. In “'Twas the Night Before Christmas,” the town of Junctionville has all their letters to Santa returned. Turns out, somebody in the town has sent the jolly old fat man a scathing rebuttal, forcing him to pass over the entire community. A clock maker, and the family of mice he's befriended, cooks up a crazy plot involving a giant clock tower to sate St. Nicholas' dissatisfaction.

The central premise of “'Twas the Night Before Christmas” makes Santa Claus look like an asshole. You wouldn't expect the jolliest of holiday icons to dismiss a whole town because of one asshole. He delivers coal to the naughty. He doesn't indiscriminately punish an entire community.  (Santa doesn't appear until the end, so we never see his side of things.) The contents of this inflammatory letter don't sit well with me either. The youngest son of the mouse family sent Santa the letter, claiming it's ridiculously to believe him in. The father's reaction is to tell his son to think less and feel more. This is dangerously close to anti-reason, if not anti-science, territory. 

Having said that, the music for “'Twas the Night” is pretty good. Joel Grey voices the clock maker, bringing his warm pipes to several numbers. Such as “Even a Miracle Needs a Hand,” which is cute and catchy, showing the family working together to solve their problems. “Give Your Heart a Try” is the number devoted to Father Mouse telling his kid to shut up with the science for a while. The lyrics are awkward as hell but the animation, which features the mice adventuring through the iconography of several holidays, is pretty neat. In truth, “'Twas the Night Before Christmas” is one of Rankin/Bass' best looking traditionally animated specials. The lines are crisp and clear. The character designs are appealing. The animation is pretty smooth, as far as these things go.

Like all these Rankin/Bass special, the plot is actually quite strange if you think about it. How did the writers look at the original poem and cook up a story involving talking mice and a magical clock tower? However, by the time the special gets to Santa Claus' arrival, it has won the viewer over. A collection of decent songs, some spritely animation, and enough schmaltzy holiday cheer will do that for you. [6/10]

Christmas 2016: December 18

Wind Chill (2007)

I think my willingness to seek out independent, limited release horror films is well established by this point. I'm a bit of a snob when it comes to my horror, it's true. But how could I not be, when indie horror flicks are often awesome and the studio-produced stuff is so underwhelming? Of course, not every indie horror flick is great. “Wind Chill” was produced by Steven Sodenberg and directed by Gregory Jacobs, a frequent producer on Sodenberg's films. I saw it years ago but didn't remember much about it. I did remember that it was a horror film with some Christmas trappings. Sounds worth re-visiting in December. Was the movie worth forgetting or did I rediscover something?

A female college student's Christmas vacation has been ruined. She was going to spend it on vacation with her boyfriend but the two recently broke up. So she decides to spend the holiday with her mom in Delaware. The only problem is she doesn't have a car. The girl hitches a ride with a guy she doesn't know. As they travel, she discovers that her driver has a crush on her, taking some uncomfortable steps to get closer to her. After taking a turn down a snow-covered forest road, the car swerves off the road. Soon, the two are isolated in the car as temperatures drop well below zero. Worst yet, this stretch of road is haunted by the spirit of a murderous cop and his victims, trapped in a time loop of violence.

The big problem with “Wind Chill” is that it's two main characters are very unappealing. Neither are given names, referred to in the credits as just “Girl” and “Guy.” Emily Blunt, an actress with a cult following who has been on the verge of breaking through to leading lady status for a while now, plays the girl. The character is going through a rough time, for sure. However, Blunt focuses too much on the bitchiness. Instead of rooting the anger in insecurities, she just comes off as unlikable. Ashton Holmes' Guy has a different problem. Throughout the first act, we learn that he's basically been stalking the girl. He knows about her break-up, her favorite foods, and her vacation status by constantly observing her. It's creepy behavior. Holmes isn't charming enough to overcome this.

The guy's behavior is so off-putting that, frankly, it's difficult to buy the inevitable bond the two characters form. They get stuck in a snow bank because of his stupidity. He's the one who chose to drive down a spooky back road, for no reason. Being trapped in a bad situation is supposed to bring these two together. Naturally, it does. They share secrets. They cuddle up together, to share body warmth. Before the end, they kiss. I know the two are near death but it seems unlikely that Blunt would ever grow close to a man who has admitted to stalking her. That's not endearing behavior, to say the least. The actors do their best to sell it. The script tries to, even giving the guy a heroic sacrifice. Yet it's hard to overcome the sketchiness of their relationship.

“Wind Chill” is most successful as a ghost story. Early on, dialogue references Nietzsche's theory of recurrence. That's, if you couldn't guess, foreshadowing. The lonely stretch of road isn't the sight of a typical haunting. Instead, the souls are trapped in a time loop, forced to relive events. Each night, the cop murders a blonde girl. Each night, he flips his car and burns to death. Each night, a pair of priest read him his rites. Unlucky travelers are caught in this loop, falling victim to the killer cop. It's an interesting spin on the ghost story premise. Some grisly special effects, such as the ghostly cop's face melting, are incorporated. The sequences of the spirit stalking the victims are mildly suspenseful. How the car windows ice up when he's near is a nice touch.

The film's Christmas elements are minor but notable. Classic Christmas songs play on the radio all throughout the film. The appearance of the homicidal patrolman is always preceded by Brenda Lee's “Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree.” As you'd expect, snow, ice, and a wintry chill characterize the entire motion picture. The characters sink what could've been an interesting genre exercise, as there's a cool idea at “Wind Chill's” center. I don't know if the film exactly deserves to be forgotten but it's hardly a lost gem either. [6/10]

Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: Alpha’s Magical Christmas

As a child of the nineties, I'll admit an undeniable fondness for the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers. The combination of toyetic robots, crazy giant monsters, and cheesy karate antics were irresistible to me and many other similarly aged children. Watching as an adult, the show can be entertainingly goofy but rarely has any value beyond nostalgia. Naturally, being a massive kiddy pop culture phenomena, Power Rangers has a Christmas special. “Alpha's Magical Christmas” was a twenty-eight minute film released straight to video. It follows Alpha-5, the Rangers' robotic sidekick, as he attempts to celebrate Christmas while the Rangers are away helping Santa. In order to placate the machine, Zordon teleports a bunch of kids into the command center to entertain him. That's it.

I'm serious. That's what the whole thing is. The entire special is devoted to the robot bumming around the command center, singing Christmas carols with a pack of bored looking kids. Zordon claims the youths are from all around the world. Aside from stock footage of the Eiffel Tower and other landmarks, there's no evidence of this. They all talk with American accents. In order to pass the time, they decorate a Christmas tree. They build a giant gingerbread house. They unenthusiastically play with some toys. Mostly, they sing pre-canned versions of holiday standards. What's most interesting about this is how the religious content of the songs isn't censored. During the rendition of “Silent Night,” the kids even watch footage of Mary cradling Jesus' head. (Considering Zordon's powers extend across time, this is presumably meant to be footage of the actual, historical Jesus. Which raises some interesting implications. What role does God play in the Power Rangers universe?)

There's really no reason to watch “Alpha's Magical Christmas” but I will say this much: It did make me laugh a few times. Not on purpose, mind you. During an especially maudlin rendition of “I'll Be Home for Christmas,” Alpha flashes back to happier times with the Power Rangers. They spin through the air, dunking basketballs. Alpha, meanwhile, helplessly kicks a soccer ball around. Only three of the regular Power Ranger actors could be roped into this: Jason David Frank, Amy Jo Johnson, and David Yost. (Johnson tries to be enthusiastic but the others are clearly not interested.) The others appear as clearly prerecorded footage. Amusingly, Zordon refers to the remaining rangers as “at a peace conference.” Which references the hilariously awkward way the show wrote the original Red, Black, and Yellow Rangers out when the actors asked for a pay raise. Santa Claus, by the way, only appears in one scene.

“Alpha's Magical Christmas” was clearly a cheap attempt to extend the Power Ranger's brand into the world of seasonal offerings. It was probably shot in a day or two, for pennies. Much to the dismay of Haim Saban, this half-hour didn't become an annual tradition. Hopefully Richard Horvitz – that's the voice of Alpha-5, among other characters from my childhood – got paid for this. Mostly, I can't believe I watched the whole thing. The shit I expose myself to for you, dear readers... [3/10]

Christmas 2016: December 17

The Bishop’s Wife (1947)

Kids are dumb. By their very nature, they are uninformed about the world. When I was much younger then I am now, I remember seeing advertisements for “The Preacher's Wife.” For some reason, that movie has always stuck in my brain, even though I've never actually seen it. While discussing it at some point down the line, I was informed that it was actually a remake. That original, it turns out, is actually pretty highly regarded. Yes, even back then, I prided myself on knowing a lot about movies. Boy, was my face red. Anywho, “The Bishop's Wife” is a Christmas movie which is why I'm discussing this at all.

A bishop named Henry Brougham is preoccupied with work. He's stressed out that he's unable to secure funding for a new cathedral. His work load has led to a strained relationship with his wife and young daughter. In a hopeless moment, he preys to God for a miracle. The next day, a man claiming to be an angel appears. Dudley, as he calls himself, has a positive influence on everyone he meets. The angel is especially focused of Julia, the bishop's wife. Soon, Bishop Brougham begins to wonder why Dudley actually came into his home and if he has his angelic eyes set on his wife.

Cary Grant as an angel seems like ideal casting. He was, after all, one of the most classically handsome actors of Hollywood's golden age. In “The Bishop's Wife,” he plays pretty much the perfect guy. He swoops into a lonely woman's life. He's immediately funny and sweet. While her husband ignores her, Dudley takes Julia to her favorite restaurant. In maybe the film's most famous scene, he takes her ice-skating, the two dancing around the ice together. He's also literally magical. Dudley directs a snowball with pinpoint accuracy, allowing the daughter to make new friends. He provides a professor suffering from writer's block with a never emptying glass of inspiration lending sherry. He can decorate a Christmas tree in seconds and dictate to a type writer. The character is practically perfect, with even his flaws serving to improve the lives of those around him. The part needed an actor of unlimited appeal, like Grant, to make it work at all. Luckily, Cary Grant really was that charming.

“The Bishop's Wife” is also a very strange love triangle, if you stop to think about. Dudley has been sent to make Bishop Brougham appreciate his family more. He does this by... Seducing his wife? Yet Dudley, being an angel, is never inappropriate or overtly romantic. He's always just shy of outright courting Julia, even though he does everything to win her over. Similarly, Loretta Young plays the part of someone obviously falling for the guy but working extra hard to keep things platonic. It's a tricky balancing act to play. When it's revealed that Grant is falling for her, it honestly seems a little out of character, despite the obvious chemistry the two share. It's a testament to the talent of the actors involved that this story line comes off as way less weird then it actually is.

“The Bishop's Wife” is a romantic comedy that more often emphasizes the comedy. David Niven is usually the butt of these jokes. Niven was excellent at playing stuffy guys, so he's a good target. When he directly tells his daughter he can't tell her a story, you're tempted to dislike the guy. His comedic comeuppance are well-earned. An especially funny moment has him magically affixed to a chair. Another amusing bit focuses on the bishop's attempt to navigate an egomaniac woman's demands. Niven's frequently flummoxed reactions to Grant's magical shenanigans is another source of laughs. Yet “The Bishop's Wife” is a nice movie, so Niven gets his redemptive moment. Thanks to the underrated actor's ability, it works too.

For the record, “The Bishop's Wife” is super Christmas-y. Carols are heard all throughout the film. The nativity story is frequently referenced. Snow is on the ground the entire time. Christmas activities make up large portions of the plot. It even co-stars Zuzu from “It's a Wonderful Life!” Weirdly, the movie isn't actually about Christmas, the holiday setting merely being decorations for a story about love and faith. The movie is kind of odd, once you think about it, but entertaining while you watch it. Not exactly a classic but certainly worth watching around December. [7/10]

Roseanne: Santa Claus

“Roseanne” was controversial in its day for putting a blue collar spin on the traditional sitcom premise. In 2016, the show seems even more subversive and sharp then it was in the early nineties. Take “Santa Claus,” for example, the Christmas episode from season four. Roseanne's boss is looking to fill the position of mall Santa. After Dan declines, Roseanne talks Martin Mull into letting her don the red suit. Through this scenario, Roseanne meets Darlene's new friend Karen. Except Karen isn't a teenage girl. She's a middle-age woman that owns a book store. When Roseanne investigates further, she makes a surprising discovery about her daughter.

The main reason to check out this half-hour, especially around December, is to see Roseanne as Santa Claus. Her time in the chair is obviously the comedic centerpiece of the episode. As the kids sit on her lap, Roseanne responds in amusing ways. She cleverly negotiates with a kid who was disappointed in last years gift. When a pushy mom tries to influence her daughter's gift suggestions, Roseanne as Santa instead lets the girl speak her mind. Her response to the expected jaded child - “Well, Santa doesn't believe in you either” – is great. When a kid asks for a B.B. Gun, Santa has to get a correction from home, something Roseanne is more then able to roll with. Kids pull on her ear and beard, which is some fine physical comedy. Aunt Jackie provides some nice support as an atypical Missus Claus, who has to strong arm the kids in line sometimes.

The Christmas stuff is a lot of fun but, strangely, isn't part of the main emotional thrust of the episode. Instead, that revolves around Roseanne discovering her daughter is a huge nerd. She learns that the normally caustic Darlene likes to quietly hang out at a bookstore, take care of the owner's son, write science fiction, and is looking forward to attending a Star Trek convention. It's not so much the nerdiness that bothers Roseanne as the fact that Darlene is hiding stuff from her. The reason why – that she's afraid her mom would mock her, that she might be an atheist – roots a silly plot in some serious emotion. This spins towards a funny conclusion too, with mother and daughter realizing how similar they really are.

So there's no gift unwrapping montage or a big scene around the Christmas tree. Becky and D.J. basically have cameos, though Becky has a great gag with her dad involving a ring. “Santa Claus” is still a pretty good Christmas episode and serves to remind why I like this show so much. Even among the snappy dialogue, these were fully formed characters who cared about each other. [7/10]

Christmas 2016: December 16

The Munsters’ Scary Little Christmas (1996)

Considering my obvious love for the Universal Monsters, it's surprising I haven't written about “The Munsters” more. I've never sat down and watched the entire series but I would consider myself a fan. The holiday you're most likely to associate the gang of goofy ghouls with is Halloween. However, there is a feature length “Munsters” Christmas special. Don't get too excited though. “The Munsters' Scary Little Christmas” was the third attempt to reboot the monster-ified sitcom, following a syndicated revival series and a TV film with a totally different cast. This TV movie also has an entirely new cast, seemingly unrelated to the previous flick. This doesn't exactly raise my expectations but some monster kids enjoy “Scary Little Christmas” anyway.

In this rebooted continuity, the Munsters have only recently moved from Transylvania to Mockingbird Heights. Eddie is having some difficulty fitting in with the new kids. His eccentric appearance, hobbies, and family make him a frequent target for bullying. Because of his sour mood, the young werewolf isn't excited for Christmas, a first. Dismayed, his family think of different plans to invigorate the youth's holiday cheer. Herman works odd jobs so he can afford the season's hot, new toy. Lily fills front yard with decorations. Marilyn invites family from the old country while Grandpa attempts to engineer a white Christmas. Will these schemes succeed or is Eddie's Christmas ruined forever?

Scripting wise, “The Munsters” was never more then the cheesiest of sitcoms. It was the cast that made the series entertaining. The unstoppable comedic energy of Fred Gwynne, the lovable charm of Al Lewis, and the inherent sweetness of Yvonne DeCarlo elevated many an episode. “The Munsters' Scary Little Christmas”  doesn't have the benefit of those stars. Instead, a cast of unassuming TV actors were assembled. Sam McMurray seems too willing to imitate Gwynne's quirks, while bringing an overly mannered quality to his other scenes. Ann Magnuson has none of DeCarlo's charm, though she tries. The oddly named Bug Hall is a bit stiff as Eddie. Elaine Hendrix, the special's Marilyn, dresses like a “90210” cast member but maintains the character's sunny wholesomeness. All the cast members seem overly indebted to the originals coming off as pale imitations. Except for Sandy Baron as Grandpa. Baron hams it up, attempting to make the part of Grandpa his own but only succeeding in annoying the audience.

“The Munsters' Scary Little Christmas” attempts to modernize the characters. The macabre elements of the family are accentuated, jokes being made about torture dungeons and gruesome Christmas decorations. That can't help but make this “Munsters” seem like a rip-off of the more morbid “Addams Family” movies. There's also some edgier humor inserted. Marilyn's outfits are tighter and shorter, emphasizing her sex appeal. This is most apparent when a pair of horny Christmas elves hit on her. Those same elves later attempt to crash a dive bar. There are other jokes, about drinking too much or phone sex lines, that seem at odds with the usually wholesome tone of “The Munsters.” This was certainly a franchise that didn't need an edgy, nineties treatment.

Even if the cast is unappealing and the jokes often fall flat, “The Munsters' Scary Little Christmas” rolls along at a decent pace. Each of the family members secretly attempting to give Eddie the perfect gift is cute. At least until Santa Claus shows up. The jolly fat man quite literally popping into the movie derails this plot thread. Instead, the movie becomes about Grandpa's attempt to return Santa to his midnight ride. Or to track down the misbehaving elves. An especially obnoxious subplot has Santa being transformed into a fruitcake. When Mary Woronov, as the nosy neighbor, attempts to feed this cake to some guests, the Santa-Cake vomits white cream on her face. (Despite Woronov's gift for absurd comic, her storyline is probably the most annoying in the film.) Naturally, Santa's sleigh ride is saved, leading to the special's weirdest gag: A quartet of leather wearing biker dudes taking the place of the eight tiny reindeer.

Honestly, my favorite thing about “The Munsters' Scary Little Christmas” is the big party at the end. Uncle Gilbert, the Phantom of the Opera, the Mummy, the Invisible Man, Rosemary's Baby, and a number of hunchbacks and cyclops join the family for the celebration. Just seeing all these different monsters together is a lot of fun. Even if the special gifts us with the sight of Herman Munster in a Santa suit, it's mostly a tedious, laughless affair. Unsurprisingly, this wouldn't spawn another “Munsters” TV series. Further, better attempts have been made but those wouldn't go onto series either. Seems like “The Munsters” belong in the black-and-white days. [5/10]

The Addams Family: Christmas with the Addams Family

If you buy the narrative that “The Munsters” was a rip-off of “The Addams Family,” it makes perfect sense that the latter series would do a Christmas special. The Addams did it first, thirty years earlier. In “Christmas with the Addams Family,” the creepy, kooky, altogether ooky family is celebrating the holidays. The next door neighbor, Mr. Thompson, told Wednesday and Pugsley that there's no such thing as Santa Claus. Determined not to spoil the season for their kids, Gomez and Morticia convince Uncle Fester to don the red suit and climb down the chimney. When Fester attempts this, he gets stuck. Worried about ruining the kids' holiday, every other member of the Addams family dresses up as Santa, unaware that the others are trying the same plan.

A Christmas episode was natural for the Addams Family. After all, the entire point of the series was, despite their macabre appearances and hobbies, the Addams were a loving, extremely close clan. So of course they go all in on the festivities. The episode opens with Gomez hanging jingle bells. The tree in the center of the house – which is barren of pine needles, naturally – is fully festooned. The multiple Santa gags occupy the episode's back-end. It's a good joke, as Wednesday and Pugsley become increasingly confused by a different Santa delivering them identical gifts. By the end, both kids are struggling to hold the six Marie Antoinette dolls and bow and arrow sets in their hands. Seeing Cousin Itt and Lurch dressed as Santa provides its own laughs, especially Lurch's confused attempts to convince the kids he's the real deal.

The gags are funny but, as usual, the biggest laughs arrive due to the interaction between the cast members. Morticia is gifting Lurch a feed bag for Christmas, the conversation with her husband about this providing a decent chuckle. A distant relative has sent the family a snake charmer's basket, including a floating rope. Which is a silly joke made worthwhile but John Astin and Carolyn Jones' amazing chemistry. The same duo provides my favorite joke of the episode. While Morticia stands on a letter, decorating the tree, she lets slip a word of French. Naturally, this inflames Gomez' fiery lust, nearly knocking her from the ladder. The conclusion – where the real Santa appears off-screen – borders on the syrupy but the show makes it work. Because the Addams are, if nothing else, utterly sincere. “Christmas with the Addams Family” is enough of a classic that the vastly inferior 1998 series would loosely remake it. [7/10]