Halloween 2013: September 22

Supernatural (1933)

Another Universal acquisition from Paramount and also a pre-code film. It’s most notable for sticking out among Carole Lombard’s body of work, her only horror film. The film has two stories that slowly intertwine. A woman strangler is on death row, pleading revenge on the guy who turned her in. After being executed, her body is left to a scientist who has some strange experiments in mind, a pure plot device. The second story involves Lombard as the grieving inherent to her millionaire brother’s fortune. Seeing an opportunity, a villainous false-medium, the guy who sold the strangler up the river, decides to take advantage of Lombard’s morning. Remember the scientist I mentioned? Somehow, the spirit of the dead strangler possesses Lombard’s body, seeking revenge on the slimy medium.

Having enjoyed the previous pre-code Paramount horror films I’ve seen, I had high expectations for “Supernatural.” Should have kept them in check. The movie is hampered by a bad case of melodrama. Willowy choir music plays over the opening titles, along with numerous massive lightening strikes. After the credits, we get like four different religious quotes vaguely related to the film’s themes. At only an hour-four minutes long, it’s a quick watch. However, the majority of the runtime is spent setting up the premise. The movie takes a lot of time establishing the medium’s villainy, which involves strangling an old lady who lives in his apartment and cackling wildly why doing so. Lombard, while looking fantastic in tight dresses, spends most of the early half crying. Watching the chicanery involved in faking a séance is at least sort of interesting.

More then halfway finished, the movie finally starts to move. Lombard is possessed by the strangler’s spirit. She goes about seducing the medium, isolating him, and readying her revenge. Once embracing her evil side, Lombard’s performance really takes life. She does seductive femme fatale very well. The second half is soundly satisfying and its ending has a nice ironic tone to it. “Supernatural” has a few spooky moments, mostly involving the dead brother’s spectre appearing out of nowhere or close-ups on the lead girl’s glowing eyes. The pre-code elements mostly consist of a brief mention of orgies at the beginning and actually showing an attempted strangulation in full view. Over all, I’m not sure if “Supernatural” was worth the wait. It ends all right but takes an awfully long time getting there. [6/10]

Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County (1998)

Growing up in the nineties, UFOs and alien abductions were on many tongues. Though obviously in pop culture since the sixties, the decade of my youth was filled with stories of little grey men and nocturnal visitations. “Communion” was recent enough to be easily found in libraries, “Fire in the Sky” hit theaters in ‘93, "The X-Files" brought alien conspiracy theories to the masses, and “documentaries” filled cable. For years, I considered alien abductions to be definitive proof of extraterrestrials. As a teen, I spent many nights worrying about greys in my bedroom. Until I read about sleep paralysis and found it explained the majority of encounters. Anyway, it’s a good thing I didn’t see “Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County” when it first aired on television. There would have been many more sleepless nights if I had.

A found footage film just predating “The Blair Witch Project,” if not “Cannibal Holocaust,” “Alien Abduction” depicts the McPherson family’s Thanksgiving dinner, all filmed by youngest son Tommy. At first, the tensions of Thanksgiving are normal, such as mother’s alcoholism, the liberal sister bringing her black boyfriend to dinner, and her racist brother reacting. When the power goes out, the three brothers discover a cadre of aliens mutilating some cattle. The family spends the rest of the night terrorized by the beings, Tommy catching it all on tape.

There’s a reason found footage has taken a foothold in the culture. It’s not just because the movies are cheap to make and speak to millennial paranoia about privacy. The best moments of “Alien Abduction” create an eerie tension. The lack of any music has the audience listening carefully for sounds off-screen. Similarly, the handheld camera-work has the viewer watching the corners of the frame, on the look-out for half-seen aliens. The best moment in the film involves Tommy retreating to his bedroom and putting the camera down. When he picks the camera up, an alien appears in the room. Without an obnoxious score signifying the scare, the jump is allowed to breath, stretching to disturbing lengths. Another notable moment involves the men retreating outside, noticing the upstairs bedroom window is open.

Both of those awesome bits take place in the first hour. Smartly, the movie doesn’t screw around, getting to the action quickly. However, the premise proves too thin to sustain a 93 minute story. The middle section involves the family dodging a red light, caring for a sick family member, experiencing burning rashes and, weirdly, deciding to continue dinner. The aliens are apparently petty fuckers, psychically manipulating their victims. The mother sees her dead husband, the black boyfriend and oldest brother’s wife make out, and the little girl plays an unheard piano concerto. The movie lays down the cards concerning the little girl early. She’s either possessed by aliens or being psychically controlled by them, a story element that doesn't quite work. Most annoyingly, the story is occasionally interrupted by talking head interviews. Some of the interviewees are connected to the story, like the Lake County sheriff. Others, like a Hollywood special effects technician or British rock star, have little to do with what’s happening. Either way, the segments unnecessarily distract. Despite the style choices and dragging middle, “Alien Abduction” picks up at the end. The final image, the family sitting around the table, the aliens slowly coming to abduct them, is rather creepy.

The movie has a bizarre legacy. It was aired on UPN, presented as fact, and heavily edited to conform to docudrama standards. Despite having end credits, many were convinced it was true. “Alien Abduction” is actually a bigger budgeted remake of the same director’s first feature and probably based on the Hopskinville/Kelly encounter. Weirdly, a tape of that rare, original film circulated at UFO conventions, convincing many it was genuine. Despite the director out right saying it’s fiction, some still believe the original McPherson tape is legit. You can’t convince those who truly want to believe. Anyway, “Alien Abduction: Incident at Lake County” won’t blow your socks off. The acting is sometimes sketchy and the writing occasionally rough. The premise is still fantastic and the creepy, effective moments justify the whole project. [7/10]

Tales from the Crypt: “The Man Who Was Death”

Before getting to the episode, can I talk about how awesome the opening to “Tales from the Crypt” is? A POV shot swerves through a misty graveyard, lit cool night blue. We slide into a creepy mansion on the hilltop. Darting back and forth through the cobweb strewn gothic manor, the viewer is taken behind a secret passageway. Careening down a winding, stone stairway, lit only by torches, we wander into the titular crypt. Our host, the Crypt Keeper, greets us with a maniacal laugh, ooze dripping down the screen as the title comes up. Accompanied by Danny Elfman’s carnival funhouse theme, this tells us everything we need to know. The show is traditional but technically advanced, winking and self-aware while still delivering classic horror chills. Pure, delicious comic book horror.

In this first season, the Crypt Keeper wasn’t quite the cheesy one-liner tossing, quick-talking goofball corpse we’d come to love. He spoke a little slower, the jokes slightly more subdued. Stature-wise, he’s smaller as well, apparently a dwarf in these first few episode. Soon enough, John Kassir’s vocal performance and Kevin Yahger’s puppetry would come into their own, even if the idea of a slightly darker, slightly more serious Crypt Keeper is sort of intriguing.

As for “The Man Who Was Death,” its main attribute is William Sadler’s star role. Rolling with a Southern accent of uncertain origin, he delivers bluesy, sick monologues on everything from capital punishment to romance. Sadler, as a great character, milks them for all their worth. Walter Hill’s direction is noir-lite, letting Sadler speak right into the camera. Characters are frequently silhouetted in shadow. The script too is more noir then horror, the story of an unemployed executioner turning to vigilantism not having much in the way of zombies or monsters. Still, “The Man Who Was Death” features the ironic humor that is the series trademark. It’s not as lightly funny as later episode but, as far as preimeres go, makes a bold statement. [7/10]

Halloween 2013: September 21

The Man Who Laughs (1928)

“The Man Who Laughs” is another silent important to the evolution of the Universal Monsters without being a monster movie itself. As a follow-up to director Paul Leni’s visually spectacular “The Cat and the Canary,” it’s a step-back. Leni’s talent for expressionistic atmosphere is displayed a few times. An early sequence has an iron maiden appearing out of darkness. Gwynplaine’s origin story involves skeletons hanging from nooses, blowing in the icy wind. Eventually, a village with cramped architecture, not unlike in “Frankenstein,” shows up. That’s it. Those expecting shadowy corridors and black-and-white dread are going to be disappointed.

The story drags. King James II tortures a noble to death before selling his son to gypsy surgeons. A permanent rictus grin is carved into the boy’s face. (Man, why did Victor Hugo hate gypsies so much?) Through a convoluted series of events, Gwynplaine adopts a blind infant and meets up with a philosopher. Twenty years later, the three are working in a traveling freak show. Gwynplaine is the star attraction and the girl, Dea, is devoted to him. But he’s not happy, believing himself unworthy of love and fame. A duchess (Olga Baclanova, of later “Freaks” fame), takes interest in Gwynplaine, bringing the missing noble to the court’s attention. Costume melodrama and political scheming follows.

Nearly two hours, “The Man Who Laughs” feels much longer. The plot spends too much time with characters you don’t care about. Baclanova is unlikable, playing the 1690s equivalent of Paris Hilton. I’m still not sure what the motives of a villainous jester and noble who looked a little like Weird Al were. The sudden turn to swashbuckling action in the last act feels tacked on. Dea and her fellow circus performers being led to believe Gwynplaine is dead is blatant, second act drama escalation, though the way it plays out is rather nice.

Once again, Conrad Veidt’s face and eyes convey so much emotion. It’s a good thing too, since the character is a real downer, unable to accept the love around him. Contrasting his perpetual smile with the tears in his eyes makes for a neat visual but you do wish the guy would get over himself. Mary Philbin is slightly more lively then in her other films. The moment she realizes Veidt’s deformities but chooses to love him anyway is quite sweet. It’s a shame she mopes around in a dour state for the rest of the run time. Also, there’s a dog named Homo.

“The Man Who Laughs” most enduring pop culture contribution can be seen in the appearance of the Joker. It’s no surprise that Jack Pierce’s grotesque, still unsettling make-up would inspire comic-dom’s most infamous villain. (It’s also no surprise that a recent remake dials back Gwynplaine’s deformity, making him far too handsome.) Once again, the film’s historical importance outweighs its aesthetic value. Real horror next time, I promise. [5/10]

Dollman vs. Demonic Toys (1993)

I’m not sure what inspired Charles Band to pair up Dollman and the Demonic Toys. Maybe neither rip-off proved popular enough to headline solo sequels. Either way, in 1993, the tiny titans faced off. For good measure, Ginger, the miniaturized nurse from 1992’s “Bad Channels,” is also thrown in. This is mostly so Brick Bardo can have an appropriately sized love interest. The two even get a little loving, sharing a sex scene in a kitchen drawer.

“Dollman vs. Demonic Toys” is cheaper then either original. Since Dollman is in-scale with the Toys, Tim Thomerson has to interact with over-sized props, which look fine, or actors in cheesy costumes, which don’t. The toy warehouse and kitchen sets, filled with giant accessories, are neat though. The cheapness comes from the extensive stock footage. Obviously, this fills in people who haven’t seen the previous installments. Knowing penny-pinching Charlie Band though, this was mostly done to save cash. Band actually directs this one and his direction is flat and television-like. The box lists the running time as 72 minutes. This includes the ten minute VideoZone and five minutes of credits. The actual film is only 52 minutes long, barely classifying as a feature. With all the stock footage, this means there's maybe a half-hour of new movie here.

The diminutive duel disappoints. None of the toys prove a match for Brick, each blasted away with ease. A clumsy, bleeding hobo resurrects the evil playthings without further explanation. Grizzly Teddy is replaced with a killer G.I. Joe doll named Zombietoid. You wouldn’t think this would matter but it does, especially since he goes down like a bitch. Baby Oopsy-Daisy had an agreeably raspy voice first go-around. Here, Frank Welker provides the voice, a high-pitched, annoying nasally whine. None of the Baby’s new dialogue is as amusing either. Half the run time is wasted setting up the premise, painfully sealing away every plot point from each previous film. The Toy’s plan proves half-baked, their demon master staying off-screen this time.

Thomerson sleep-walks through his role, obviously fed up with Full Moon’s shenanigans at this point. Tracy Scoggins and her tight t-shirt return, just to die half-way through. The actress seems relieved to go. Full Moon’s favorite little person Phil Fondacaro, who horror fans might recognize from “Land of the Dead” and, uh, “Double, Double, Toil and Trouble,” plays the warehouse security guard. Like the previous one, he enjoys girlie magazines. Unlike the previous one, Phil kills hookers for the toys, a plot point that goes nowhere. Only Melissa Behr is on the material’s level. She doesn’t get naked but the movie never hesitates to put her in various skimpy outfits. I’m disappointed “Dollman vs. Demonic Toys” is so lackluster, considering the parent films were guilty pleasures. No wonder Brick Bardo and Ginger would never be seen again, the Demonic Toys not returning until Full Moon’s recent, bad, even cheaper days. [5/10]

Halloween 2013: September 20

The Last Performance (1927)

Universal was enamored of setting stories in the theater, weren’t they? Perhaps “Phantom of the Opera” set the precedence. “The Last Warning” featured a masked murderer terrorizing Broadway. “The Last Performance” sets a love triangle among a magic act. Once again, Mary Philbin plays the object of desire of a murderous older man. While “Phantom” had obvious grotesque attributes and “The Last Warning” was basically an old dark house mystery, “The Last Performance” is a melodrama with light fantastic elements.

The story is typical. Erik the Great, a stage magician and hypnotist, is in love with Julie, his female assistant. He plans to marry the girl as soon as she turns eighteen, a story turn likely to gross out modern audiences. Julie only has eyes for Mark, a vagabond that Erik takes under his wing. “The Last Performance” neatly follows the three-act structure, with Erik discovering the truth about his love at the 18 minute point, the “seven swords through the box” magic trick going predictably wrong half-way through, and the last act, set during a trial, featuring case-solving testimony as a concise climax.  

Of most interest to horror fans is Conrad Veidt’s performance. Veidt was made for the silents. He says so much with simply a shift of his brow, expressing heart-break or jealousy with only his face. Despite the temptation to compare the two, Erik the Great isn’t Erik the Phantom. He’s not a monster, rather a fair man who commits wrong only out of love. The hypnotism sequences make great use of his glaring eyes. No wonder Veidt was nearly Dracula. Conrad’s performance alone makes the sappy finale believable. The rest of the cast is thin, with Mary Philbin making goo-goo eyes at Fred MacKaye, a marginal matinee hero.

While lighter on expressionistic atmosphere then you’d hope, “The Last Performance” still has several stand-out moments. An early bit has Veidt walking a catwalk, shadows criss-crossing over his face. When the lover’s affair is revealed, his shadow is cast huge on the wall, dwarfing the girl and her mate. Veidt’s power as a hypnotist is displayed by overlaying his glaring face over the character performing the requested action. A memorable early scene has the man mesmerizing a skeptical audience member, their theater booth suddenly spinning around them.

“The Last Performance” is another example of routine silent film material elevated by its lead actor. After years of obscurity, the film was recently released by the Criterion Collection… Kind of. It’s a special feature packaged with “Lonesome,” a later film by the same director. This version has Danish intertitles with English subtitles and is apparently missing several sound sequences. The film is concise enough that I can’t imagine those scenes would add much. [7/10]

Demonic Toys (1992)

Remember when I said Charles Band’s favorite person to rip off was himself? “Dolls” was about people isolated in a mansion with killer dolls. “Puppet Master” was about people isolated in a hotel with killer puppets. “Demonic Toys” is about, guess what?, people isolated in a warehouse with killer toys. I haven’t seen “Blood Dolls” but I bet it fits the formula.

“Demonic Toys” is a blatant attempt to recreate “Puppet Master.” Both open with close-ups on its plastic villains while Richard Band’s scores play. In “Puppet Master,” the murderous marionettes are controlled by an undead sorcerer. In “Demonic Toys,” the perilous playthings are activated by a demonic entity. While “Puppet Master’s” protagonist had psychic dreams, the policewoman hero of “Demonic Toys” is contacted by the demon in her nightmares. This movie appears to have been made on half the budget, since the whole thing takes place over no more then three sets.

The toys aren’t as memorable as Full Moon’s more famous villains. A killer teddy bear (who is, disappointingly, not named Grisly Bear. Come on, guys, that one writes itself) is relatively indistinct while a robot tank has even less personality. An evil jack-in-the-box is a little more memorable. The cackling clown functions like a snake, with a baby’s rattle at the end of its tail. The MVP of “Demonic Toys” is Baby Oopsie Daisy, a foul-mouthed baby doll. The Baby is a clear Chucky expy, especially when she gets her face burnt off. The doll’s one-liners are groaners but I couldn’t help but laugh. Her weird plastic face is probably the closest thing “Demonic Toys’ has to a genuinely creepy special effect. (Though a stop-motion tin soldier is a bit uncanny.)

The movie makes up for its uncreative threats with surprisingly interesting humans. The fat security guard swears creatively and listens to polka. He watches the original “Puppet Master” on TV, which raises questions about what level of reality this is on. His porno mag provides the gratuitous nudity every Full Moon flick needs. The guard also orders from a 24-hour fried chicken restaurant, an idea in need of further exploiting. The chicken delivery boy becomes an unlikely hero, shotgunning toys and throwing Molatov Cocktails. Even a teenage girl randomly introduced half-way through to drop some exposition is amusing. Perhaps we have future blockbuster screenwriter David Goyer to thank for the memorable characters?

“Demonic Toys” is too campy to mine its imagery for scares. But its female lead’s anxiety about giving birth, and the movie’s co-opting of childish imagery for horror, suggests a possible subtext. That’s probably giving the movie more credit then it deserves. “Demonic Toys” is a cheaper, goofier Full Moon offering but still provides chuckles. [7/10]

Night of the Hunted (1980)

“Night of the Hunted” has a great opening. A man drives down a road at night, the ethereal soundtrack playing. He picks up a strange woman. She is confused and can’t remember much. The first woman has left a nude girl behind on the road. Welcome back to the weird world of Jean Rollin.

This film was Rollin’s first non-pornographic effort after “Fascination” and the two have much in common. Both star the lovely Bridget Lahaie. Like “Fascination,” “Night of the Hunted” is the filmmaker breaking from his usual subject matter of frequently naked vampires. Both have a more accessible storyline then the director’s usual fair. Both brush up against soft core. Despite the similarities, “Night of the Hunted” isn’t as good as “Fascination.”

The film isn’t obviously horror at first. The story revolves around a mental hospital where people have their memories wiped, leaving the victims confused. The reasoning behind this is never explained. To be expected, the set-up is used more to explore potential themes. The inhabitants of the apartment are in a constant state of existential crisis. One girl, Lahaie’s roommate, can’t even feed herself without breaking down. Another woman cries out constantly for a missing child she can’t remember. One man seems to be constantly in the throes of a nervous breakdown. The logistics of the memory loss are inconsistent. The janitor, another victim, seems to have a solid grip on his mind. Lahaie goes back and forth, sometime appearing lucid, other times insecure. While in the throes of orgasm with the man who rescued her, Lahaie swears to never forget this experience. She does anyway. I can’t tell if this is intentional or sloppy writing.

The biggest problem with “Night of the Hunted” is pacing. Its start off strong and Robert, the man, rescuing this beautiful, strange girl is fairly captivating. When she’s taken back to the hospital, the film degrades into a series of more-or-less unrelated sequences. The roommate cries into her lobster soup. The janitor rapes a girl before a random man beats him to death with a hammer. The roommate stabs herself in the eyes. A nurse seduces the nervous man but he looses it mid-coitous and strangles her. The friendship between Elizabeth and Veronique tries to create a center to the story. Two female leads are a Rollin trademark but Veronique is a weak character so it’s hard for the audience to relate.

Near the end, Robert shows up in an attempt to rescue his girl. Suddenly, the movie features a lot of gun play, people getting shot left and right. It’s revealed that the hospital is killing and burning the body of the amnesic patients. Why? Shrugs. “Night of the Hunted” wraps up on a hauntingly poetic image: Two lobotomized lovers walking off hand in hand. The movie needed more poetic moments like that. The film isn’t bad Rollin but it’s uneven Rollin. Probably only for fans. [6/10]

Halloween 2013: September 19

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1923)

When I was knee-deep in my Mega-Thon last year, you might have noticed I skipped this one, arguably the first proper film of the cycle. If I was smart, I would say that “Hunchback of Notre Dame” isn’t a horror film, instead a period melodrama. While Quasimodo is frequently featured next to Frankenstein and Dracula, the film is low on horror content. The truth is I remember disliking the movie and felt no reason to revisit it. Leaving “Hunchback” out all-together isn’t fair though. After all, “Dracula” and “Frankenstein” wouldn’t have happened without it.

The movie is beholden to the conventions of Hugo and Laemmle. Despite getting title billing, the hunchback isn’t featured in large portions of the film. The gypsy Esmeralda’s love affair with the captain of the guard Phoebus takes up half the run-time. Hugo’s themes of social unrest take stage in this subplot. Esmeralda’s adopted father, Clopin, king of the gypsies, plots revolution against the apathetic king. His daughter falling in love with a noble doesn’t sit well with the guy. The themes of the haves versus the have-nots are never more apparent then in the scene where Clopin and his thieves storm Phoebus’ party. The poor stand on one side of the ballroom, clothed in rags, the rich on the other, in elegant gowns. Even Quasimodo is a gear in the machine of social hierarchy. The film’s villain controls the hunchback. When the gypsy girl flares Frollo’s lust, he forces Quasimodo to kidnap her. Caught by the guards, the deformed servant suffers for his master’s crimes. The hunchback turning against his boss is indicative of the story’s overall themes of revolt.

Potentially interesting themes are undermined by the commitment to melodrama. Differing from the novel, Esmeralda is saved from the gallows. Following the novel, she is actually royalty, the daughter of a rich woman, kidnapped as an infant by gypsies, her birth mother driven mad by the lost. This information is delivered flatly by a very knowledgeable, exposition-prone bit player. Esmarelda’s true identity as a princess doesn’t affect the plot much. Frollo’s villainous machinations and Quasimodo’s rebellion are motivated by their passion for the girl. This would probably be fine if the character had more depth. Patsy Ruth Miller looks elegant but the character is pushed around by the whims of the plot. Phoebus, a cynical womanizer in the novel, is transformed into a bland romantic hero, practically obsessed with the girl. The story of class warfare gets lost admit the romantic entanglements and period grandeur. Hugo’s criticism of the Catholic Church is excised totally, Archdeacon Claude Frollo becoming a kind man of the cloth. The role of villain is shifted to his brother, Jehan. Despite this, Brandon Hurst’s performance is a highlight, sneering and glaring from under his cap. Even Hurst gets a romantic moment, confessing his love to the girl in her dungeon prison.

Even if he isn’t the protagonist, Quasimodo is the most interesting character. Lon Chaney’s performance is legendary. Performing under extensive make-up and a fifteen-pound rubber hump, he conveys pathos with only his body language. The moment when Esmarelda comes to the hunchback’s aid as he suffers on the pillory is touching strictly because of Chaney, gratitude clearly visible on his face. Chaney vends the hunchback’s love with longing looks, selling the romance better then the script can. Quasi’s last act before he dies is to ring the bells, celebrating Phoebus and Esmarelda’s love, another memorable moment. Chaney overacts at times, sticking his tongue out and grasping his hands. Still, his performance is probably the best thing about the film. Especially since Quasimodo’s evolution to anti-hero is a bit rough. Dropping wooden pillars and boiling lead on rioting, otherwise innocent gypsies doesn’t exactly endear him to the audience.

“Hunchback of Notre Dame” isn’t a horror film but is still visually spectacular. The sets of Notre Dame are beautiful and moody, gothic arches echoing through the entire church. The Court of Miracles is another fantastic set, teeming with life in cramped, rocky locations. People in ghoulish skeletons costumes dance out from under dark bridges. Deep shadows seal the eerie atmosphere. An extended visit to a torture chamber is another effective, horrific scene. Ultimately, these elements sell me on the movie, not the overwritten, routine story. I probably prefer Disney’s version and the Charles Laughton take appears to be the most critically acclaimed but 1923’s “Hunchback” endures for a reason. [6/10]

Dollman (1991)

I’m surprised I haven’t talk more about Full Moon Entertainment. I should do a “Puppet Master” retrospective someday. Anyway, why am I talking about “Dollman” which isn’t a horror film? A month ago, while browsing through my local Dollar Store, I found the “Dollman / Demonic Toys Box Set” for three dollars. A dollar a movie! I couldn’t pass up such a bargain. As soon as I bought it, I knew I’d be reviewing all three for Halloween.

“Dollman” was probably motivated by three factors. It was a superhero movie released in the wake of ‘89’s “Batman.” Wikipedia will tell you that this film is unrelated to the Golden Age superhero of the same name but I refuse to believe this. It’s not surprising that Charles Band would rip-off a diminutive superhero, considering his love of all threats tiny. Of course, there’s nobody Band likes to rip-off more then himself. In Full Moon’s long-running “Trancers” series, Tim Thomerson plays Jack Deth, a hard-boiled, sarcastic cop who chases a fugitive from the future to the modern day. In “Dollman,” Tim Thomerson plays Brick Bardo, a hard-boiled, sarcastic cop who chases a fugitive from another planet to Earth. The catch? Though normal sized on his world, Brick is only thirteen inches tall on Earth. Armed with an absurdly powerful laser gun, Dollman cleans up the streets of Los-Angles-posing-as–New-York.

“Dollman” has a good sense of humor about itself. The title character is introduced as a bizarre riff on Dirty Harry, tying in fat ladies and laundry with the famous “You feelin’ lucky?” sequence. Brick explodes a guy with a single shot, a hilarious special effect. Once on Earth, our hero is badgered by children, slings size-related one-liners and leaps from a building, somehow landing safely on a moving vehicle. The miniature Dirty Harry’s new size doesn’t affect his abilities much, save for a gag where it takes him several minutes to travel a short distance.

“Dollman,” weirdly, reaches for social relevance. After the sci-fi intro, we get a long montage showing the crime-ridden city. Brick’s normal sized love interest is a single mom attempting to survive in the ghetto. A post-“Bad News Bear,” pre-“Watchmen” Jackie Earl Haley plays the villain, a nasty thug obsessed with the mom. In one of the more clever bits, what appears to be the primary villain is bluntly dismissed, making way for Haley’s vulgar, clueless creep. Don’t get the wrong idea. This is an Albert Pyun joint after all. As in accordance with all 90s low-budget action flicks, the climax is set in an abandoned warehouse.

Keep your expectations relaxed. “Dollman” is goofy, self-aware, violent, and features some solid actors having a good time. Anyway, on with the horror movies. [7/10] 

Return of the Living Dead (1985)

While watching “Scream” this summer, I spent a lot of time thinking about post-modern horror. Naturally, Kevin Williamson didn’t do it first. Dan O’Bannon, a hugely successful and influential screenwriter that never got his due in his life time, beat him by a decade. Originally designed for horror-hack Tobe Hooper, O’Bannon injected the screenplay with his trademark inventiveness and quirky humor. “Return of the Living Dead” is textbook post-modern, referencing “Night of the Living Dead” explicitly. O’Bannon makes his intentions clear immediately with a sarcastic title card declaring the film to be a true story.

Hardcore horror fans like myself hate on fast zombies while conveniently overlooking that this beloved cult classic has fast zombies in it. Unlike the inexplicable MTV zombies Zack Snyder inflicted on the world, “Return’s” zombies have a reason for running. As Freddie and Frank’s in-progress zombificaiton shows, Trioxin keeps the higher functions alive while causing the the body to die, allowing for awesome, goopy zombies that run, talk, and use complex tools. The comic book tone prevents that from coming off as ridiculous, as it would in a more self-serious film. Zombies eating brains, a behavior this film invented, is explained as curtailing the pain of rot. Of course, the brain contains dopamine and other tasty hormones. Makes perfect sense.

The movie reinvented zombies in other ways. Romero always made an effort to give his ghouls personalities. Due to the microscopic budgets of his films, this usually didn’t go beyond nurse outfits, clown wigs, or no clothes at all. “Return,” on the other hand, came right in the golden age of eighties creature effects. The Yellow Man bobs around with no head, a double amputee zombie waddles after his pray, and a skeletal corpse rattles a dangling spinal cord. The Tar Man stands in an undead league of his own. I seriously don’t think there’s a better example of what a zombie can be on-screen. Zombies are too frequently faceless hordes, an impulse this movie laughs at.

Also unlike Romero’s epics, “Return” is probably too much of a spit-take to examine from a sociological viewpoint. And yet… This movie set out to reinvent zombies for the eighties. Eighties: The Cocaine Decade. These zombies eat brains to dull the pain of death, like cokeheads snort to dull the pain of life. When they’ve had their hit, the undead are hopped up, running and leaping all over the place. Freddie’s slow death represents another type of drug abuse, a junkie fading to sedatives. Until, finally reaching rock bottom, he’s not recognized by love ones, transformed into totally different creatures. Notably, these zombies don’t pass their condition on through bites. It’s born out of the air, out of the crowded, urban cemeteries they live in. The government’s response to the pandemic? Nuke it from orbit. Reading too much in to it? Probably. And yet...

“Return” is widely regarded as a hallmark punk movie. No doubt, when cast members wear tattered leather and have chains in their faces. But punk wasn’t as homogenous in 1985 as it is now. Suicide, Scuz, Spider, and Trash would fit in fine at a Circle Jerks concert but Chuck and Casey would probably be more comfortable in a new wave club. (This almost justifies squeaky-clean Tina hanging out with the bawdy punks. Almost.) The soundtrack isn’t straight-ahead either. You’d be hard-pressed to hear psychobilly like “Surfin’ Dead” or sleazy dance-pop like “Tonight (We’ll Make Love Until We Die)” on a punk station these days. The punk aesthetic was chosen to distinguish the cast from typical eighties slasher fodder. It succeeds in that regard, even if the teens aren’t developed much. Mark Venturini’s hilarious monologue about his punk bonafides and Miguel Nunez being the first black guy to make it to the end are the only time the kids truly shine. Linnea Quigley, decked out in a Ziggy Stardust wig and not much else, is either intentionally playing her character deadpan, a bad actress, or stoned out of her mind. Either way, she’s hilarious. Her nearly feature-length nude scene is the stuff of eighties horror legend.

The older cast members truly own this one. James Karen and Clu Gulager both get uproarious bits to themselves. Karen when he goes from panicky to calm with just a sip of coffee. Gulager when he has to explain the rabid weasel situation. The film makes excellent use of both veteran character actors. Don Calfa’s Ernie, who is almost definitely a Nazi, is maybe the stand-out, reacting calmly to the escalating situation, never loosing his hilarious, morbid matter-of-factness.

While predominantly a pitch-black dark comedy, “Return” isn’t without scares or pathos. A zombie leaping through a window, disposing of a pesky phone, is a great jump scare. Frank’s final fate is weirdly sincere, as are the character’s genuine panic over the increasingly bleak predicament. Yes, “Return of the Living Dead” is truly one of the best zombie movies ever made. Pretty much zero other films in the sub-genre matches its balance of wit, inventiveness, and sense of fun. Especially its’ four sequels, all lackluster affairs. [9/10]





Recorded Live (1975)

Frequently used as network filler by HBO during the eighties, “Recorded Live” is a simple horror story of a man stalked by a blob of living film reels. Though easy to mistake for “The Creeping Terror,” the murderous film reel makes a creditable horror threat. It makes creepy, distorted audio noises, slinks under doors and through carpet. The creature, I guess you’d call it, is brought to life through appropriately uncanny stop-motion. The movie acknowledges the silliness of the premise too. When not groaning like a backmasked message, the film reels speak in squeaky, sped-up whines. The nameless hero quickly discovers magnets to be the monster’s only weakness. Even that’s not enough to save him, the story playing out in kindertraumatic fashion. Overall, “Recorded Live” is a clever, darkly funny short. Director S. S. Wilson would later lend similarly ridiculous premises some credit with the “Tremors’ series and the first “Short Circuit,” which I enjoy without a trace of irony. [7/10]

Halloween 2013: Preamble

WELCOME

I feel like I’ve been talking about horror movies all year. Probably because I have. But there’s no substitution for the real thing. Halloween only comes once a year. The cool, nostalgic winds of October call to me. When orange and brown leaves line the walkways and jolly grinning Jack-o-Lantern stare from every terrace, my heart lightens. Halloween just isn’t a day or even a month, it’s a state of mind. Man, all the other kids-at-heart of the world can keep Christmas. I’ll take October any day.

Halloween nearly killed me last year and I’m not being wholly metaphorical. Long-time and seasonal-only readers alike might remember that a hurricane uprooted a tree and ruined my fun. Ultimately, compared to most of the east coast, I got off easy but Sandy did put a real damper on the festivities. However, the weather wasn’t the only thing that stressed me out. For last year’s Blog-a-thon, I attempted to watch every single Universal Monster movie I could get my hands on, from the silent era all the way to the fifties. This, in retrospect, was perhaps too ambitious. Even though I pushed through an astonishing amount and boosted my monthly films-seen number into the three digits, I still didn’t make it through my whole list. By November 1st, I was burnt out.

All set-backs are a blessing in disguise. In 2013, I intend to finish my Universal Monsters Mega-thon, watching the classics made between 1954 to the end of the era in 1960, as well as a few earlier pictures I overlooked previously or have since acquired. This leaves me with a much shorter list but one still composed of old favorites and unseen classics.

The zombie flamingos watch over the yard.

The rest of my Halloween viewing plans are much more casual. In the unlikely event that any of my readers here overlap with listeners of my web show, Bangers n’ Mash fans will get an inside peak at the process as I watch and review things to be discussed on the show later on. Aside from that? I plan on cracking “Tales from the Crypt” and the horror short scene, things you might notice I promised to do last year and totally didn’t follow through on. Otherwise, I’m just playing it by ear, picking out old favorites from the collection based on how I feel and finding new discoveries as they come to me.

Of course, Halloween isn’t just about watching movies. Not all of it anyway. For the last two seasons now, I’ve hit a local horror convention. Monster-Mania 26 in Baltimore, MD looms next weekend. Even if the guest lists is a little light on horror-related pros, I’m still abnormally excited. Come on, Adam West, Michael Madsen, Kane Hodder, and Roddy Piper? Who am I to say no? As always, ever-ready movie-watching mate and podcast co-host JD will accompany me. Expect both a live podcast in addition to my traditional post-con write-up. JD will be along for other traditions as well, like catching a midnight screening of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” at Apolloween. It’ll be the fourth year we’ve done this and even though it’s less fun each time, ritual and tradition are more alluring then entertainment value. Samhain willing, maybe I’ll even make it out to a local haunted attraction, something I promise to do every year but never get around to. No guarantees but rotting werewolf claws crossed.

And what about the rest of the world? Horror was big in the cinemas this previous summer, with “The Purge,” “The Conjuring,” and “You’re Next” scaring up fantastic business. While clever counter-programming might be great news for the genre all-together, it does end up making the witching months seem a little thin. Even worn-out stalwart “Paranormal Activity” has headed for the more financially viable month of January. “Insidious: Chapter 2” is still haunting theaters but the remake of “Carrie” is the only major genre release this season. As of now, even the indie scene is as dry as an old crone’s nose. Aw well. We don’t need them to have fun.

Enough jittering my jaw bone. Ghouls and goblins await. Pass the candy corn, prop your feet up, pull your black cat or demon dog close, and front-load your DVD and Blu-Ray players with horror flicks of all eras and pedigree. 2013’s Halloween Horrorfest Blog-a-Thon has begun!

The first leaves of autumn.

Bangers n' Mash Triple Feature

 I said you wouldn't hear from me for a while. I've been so busy getting ready for October that I've kind of been forgetting to upload the most recent batch of Bangers n' Mash episodes here. No, I haven't been slackin' off. Amazingly, we've actually been keeping up our schedule. Here's August's episodes and our most recent episode.



I'm lazy so, if I've done a director's report card, odds are good I'll be doing a podcast about it too. I blatantly, obviously recycle my notes. I had actually planned on posting this episode here after wrapping up my Wes Craven report card but, because that took so much longer then expected, I kind of forgot about it.



Once again: I recycle. Considering their importance to the genre's history, I think the Scream series deserved it's own episode.



This is our most recent offering and it strays from our usual nerd/superhero talks. I've been fairly open about my anime fandom before but, going into such detail about, especially childhood favorites like Digimon or Dragonball, made me a bit self-conscious. Oh, well. No one listening anyway.

Director Report Card: Wes Craven (2011)

23. Scream 4

The original “Scream” was an unexpected game-changer, a film few had any expectations for that went on to become a huge hit and have an immediate effect on the genre. “Scream” was motivated by a love of the genre and a desire to do something new and different. “Scream 4,” the fifteen years later reunion, was motivated purely by commerce. The Weinsteins, desperate for a hit for their struggling new studio, decided reviving a successful past franchise was the way to go. Considering Wes Craven, Kevin Williamson, and its central cast hadn’t had a decent hit since leaving the series, “Scream 4” was doubtlessly an attractive proposition for all involved.

Like all entries in the series, “Scream 4” features an opening that sets the tone. The first scene attempts to bring the series into the twenty-first century. Ghostface threatens the girls via text message, something that seems ridiculous on the surface but makes sense once you think about it. Following an extra-wet gut-stab and threat-slashing, the worm turns. The opening is revealed to be fiction within fiction, as special guest victims Kristen Bell and Anna Paquinn openly declare “self-aware, post-modern” horror to be played out. But wait, “Scream 4” goes triple-meta, featuring a movie within a movie within a movie! After all that screwing around, the movie finally gets down to business, having two new teenage girls bring any newcomers up to speed while going on about cell phones and apps. Finally, the carnage comes, some decent tension building as the killer pursues a victim through an unfinished basement, the wounded girl dragging herself down a flight of stairs. This is the whole film in close-up. “Scream 4” attempts to update its usual tricks for a new decade, serving as little besides set-dressings for some okay thrills and some above-average slasher gore.

“Scream 4” is only so interested in moving forward. It does, after all, focus mainly on the central returning trio, taking the story back to Woodsborough. Sydney is a best-selling author, Dewey has advanced to sheriff, and Gale is a little washed-up. At first, while talking about her life as a survivor, Neve Campbell seems a little more invested in the material. Once Syd has to go through the motions again of running from Ghostface and clothslining him, Neve returns to her boring old self. Courtney Cox is still probably the liveliest of the returning cast, having some fun when interacting with the new members, attempting to seduce the young movie nerds in a funny way or sniping at Marley Shelton. Cox seems much less interested when interacting with David Arquette. The acidic barbs between the characters sting a little too much, considering the couple would soon break up in real life. For his part, Arquette mostly goes about his business, neither impressing or boring.

What about the new characters that the new trilogy was presumably going to revolve around? Having acquired an aunt at some point, Sydney’s cousin Jill is ostensibly the main character. Neither Emma Roberts’ Jill nor her friend Olivia, played by Marielle Jaffe, make much of an impression. Roberts plays Jill mostly as a traumatized teen while Jaffe’s Olivia is an indistinguishable high school pretty girl. The only one of three friends that has any personality is Kirby, as played by Hayden Panettiere. I wasn’t a fan of Panettiere going into this but she won me over. The only genuine adaptation to the modern age the film makes is having a female horror buff, a once rare personality that is very common now. Panettiere gets several funny lines throughout and has solid chemistry with her co-stars, especially Rory Culkin.

Erik Knudsen plays Robbie, who is our Randy 4.0. This character represents “Scream 4’s” most blatant attempt to appear modern. The character has a live-stream camera attached to his head and uploads everything he does to the internet. Never mind that no school in the country would allow a kid to wear that because, you know those wacky millennials, always tweeting and Facebooking and such. Knudsen honestly does okay in the part. Towards the end, when the character gets drunk and loosens up, he becomes a little more likable. One of the more interesting characters in the film isn’t one of the teens at all. Allison Brie plays Rebecca, Sydney’s agent. The character is a thin stereotype but Brie brings her innate likability to the part. She makes the over-the-top swearing seem natural and makes talking about teenage girls dying in a light-hearted fashion funny. Marley Shelton isn’t given much to do besides flirt with Arquette and provide a red herring but she’s charming enough.

Since “Scream” has always been on top of what’s hot and current in horror, you’d expect “Scream 4” to comment on the genre conventions that arose in the previous decade. Not really. Oh, the movie postures about it. Randy 4.0 naturally has a monologue discussing what he considers the New Rules for the New Decade. These conventions exist mostly inside the screenwriter’s head. If anything, they comment more on what “Scream 4” itself does. Torture porn and J-horror all get brief, curt dismissal, without discussing the effect those movements had on horror as a whole. While the subplot of modern teens uploading everything to the internet might present an opportunity to comment on the found footage genre, it’s not explore in any way. “Final Destination” and “Shaun of the Dead” both get blatantly name-dropped but, unlike the name-drops in the original series, it in no way reflects what this film is doing. “Scream 4” fancies itself a deconstruction of 21st century remakes and reboots but Williamson’s brain is still stuck in the nineties. “Scream 4” is mostly up its own ass, especially during a sequence where crowds of people are dressing up as characters from the “Stab” series or shouting dialogue at the screen.

About the only thing “Scream 4” gets right about naughts is that cell phones are everywhere. When news of the murdered girls hits the school, all the students whip out their phones. The teens know more about the crimes before the cops do. Information moves a lot faster these days. The only modern clichés that is featured is the much-deployed “no signal.” This is presented without irony or comment. Honestly, the most entertaining post-modern moment in the film has nothing to do with horror. A pair of cops sitting in their cruiser discussing the clichés of cop movies is refreshing and funny. The closing comment about Bruce Willis is terrible but, oh, I laughed anyway.

“Scream 4” works best when functioning as a straight-forward slasher flick. The first major murder scene builds up nicely. Even if Ghostface’s sudden appearance is expected, it works decently. As does the brutal stabbing that follows. The sequel doubles down on the giblets and blood. One of the best sequence is actually nearly bloodless, an extended stalk through a parking garage. Another notable difference is that Ghostface 4.0 is awfully verbose, carrying long conversation with his victims before striking. The horror trivia quiz OF DEATH, a somewhat overstated element of the original series, makes a strong comeback here. That scene is another genuinely suspenseful moment, even if the payoff is easily seen and expected. Not all the attempted suspense works. A chase across a roof top doesn’t generate any tension and the extended barn set-piece goes on much too long. The audience also figures out the killer’s identity by process of elimination around the hour-nineteen minute mark. At least I did.

By the second act’s end, “Scream 4” actually starts to get really interesting. Emma Roberts begins to show some amusing evil glee and the film reveals itself as a critique on reality television, of all things. Williamson sees the modern youth culture as entitled little shits, craving fame they haven’t earned. Easily the highlight of the film is seeing a crime recreated inside out. It’s darkly funny and highly energetic. If “Scream 4” had committed to this new direction, ending with the villain on a gurney, flashbulbs bursting in the air, it might have sent the series in an exciting new direction. The film had the opportunity to truly be ground-breaking. Instead, “Scream 4” continues on with an unnecessarily extended third act. The hospital set finale isn’t terrible but feels tagged on. The final gives us a taste of what “Scream 4” could had been had it followed its muse instead of retracing steps laid out long before it.

“Scream 4” wasn’t the huge hit the Weinsteins were expecting. No new trilogy is forthcoming. This was somewhat deserving. While the original “Scream” was fresh and exciting in 1996, “Scream 4” couldn’t help but feel old hat in 2011. Which isn’t to say it’s a bad film. My thoughts haven’t changed much from my original review. If you’re looking for gory slasher kills and some okay thrills, it delivers. At the very least, it’s an improvement over “Scream 3.” Still, I understand where any disappointed fans might be coming from. After all, the movie is the only in the series not feature “Red Right Hand.” Now that’s a major oversight! [Grade: B-]

The failure of "Scream 4" seems to have stuck Wes' career into remission again. Though IMDb links him with the proposed "Scream" TV series, there's been no serious movement with that. At his age, I don't know if he has another peak in him. It would be a bummer if he ends his career on a disappointing sequel but, then again, that seems to be the fate of most seventies horror masters.

Even though this didn't take as long as my John Carpenter Report Card, watching and reviewing all of Wes Craven's movies still took a lot longer then I wanted. I was hoping to squeeze another report card in this month, a non-horror related one, but that's not going to happen. Odds are good, aside from assorted Bangers n' Mash episodes, you're not going to see me again until the end of the month. Long time readers should know what that means... So, anyway, watch out for that.