Director Report Card: Dario Argento (1975)

4. Deep Red
Profondo rosso

“Deep Red” is Dario Argento’s first horror masterpiece. Now why is that, since the film really isn’t all that different then the three murder-thrillers he previously made? The movie caters heavily in the themes and concepts used throughout the Animal Trilogy. The central premise borrows heavily from “The Bird with the Crystal Plumage.” An innocent man, a musician, witnesses a murder. (Played by David Hemmings, very nearly reprising his role from “Blow-Up.”) Something he glances fleetingly during that moment turns out to be the key to the identity of the murderer. Soon, the killer is stalking him and he has to solve the mystery, for his own life’s sake. If you’ve seen any of Argento’s previous films, this should sound familiar.

What separates “Deep Red” from the Animal Trilogy is that Argento has come completely into his own as a stylist. This is a film that, at its best, is committed to creating a serious sense of dread. From the opening frames, the opening credits, Goblin’s deeply atmospheric music supplies an unsettling mood. The first scene of the film proper is a bright red curtain parting. Like Bava’s “Blood and Black Lace,” this is a film that both begins and ends with images of red. The parting of curtains also invokes the stage, the theater of the Grand Guignol. The previous set of films certainly had horror elements but were more interested in solving a mystery. “Deep Red” is established as a horror film right from the beginning.

The inventive camera work hinted at previously is put on full display here. The first-person perspective, putting the audience behind the eyes of the murderer, is employed extensively here. The technique is sometimes criticized for prompting sadism in the viewer. This ignores the main purpose of the style, which is to create a personal sense of dread. Yes, we watch the killer strike with hatchet or boiling water, but the victims also look over their shoulders. There’s very little room between attacker and attacked. Argento’s very wide frames shrinks to an intimate level. The voyeurism slices both ways. The idea is to make it seem like you, the viewer, are the one being attacked. It’s a bristling effective way to create terror.

Argento’s camera prowls, from around walls, down from floors, up staircases, putting the viewer in the role of both observer and observed. A couple of time, he seems to be simply playing with us. Extreme close-ups are used fantastically. The camera strolls up a line of musical notes on a piece of sheet music. We see the hammers working inside a piano. When the movie gets really creepy are in sequences of intense style that serve little story purpose. While Goblin pounds away on the soundtrack, the camera moves around baby dolls, children’s toys, and knives, in such close-up you almost can’t tell what everything’s suppose to be at first. An eye, painted in black, appear out of the darkness. Odd upside-down angles are used, intentionally disorienting the viewer. There’s no plot reason for any of this. It’s here simply to creep the hell out of the viewer. And it’s hugely successful.

Important themes are brought to the forefront here. Childlike images appear again and again. While this does work as a hint to the killer’s identity, it does suggest something deeper. The killer uses dolls and toys, most notably a cackling, walking dummy automaton, as a calling card. The creepy singing of a children’s choir proceeds the murderer’s appearance both in-story and on-film. The juxtaposition of childish behavior and gory murder is disquieting. Childhood trauma is directly linked with homicidal tendencies. Later on, a strange little girl, who likes to pin lizards on needles, appears. Ghost stories of a haunted building, the kind passed around in elementary school cafeterias, play a major role. Little kids drawling gory or creepy scenes in a coloring-book style is a horror cliché these days. “Deep Red” uses it briefly too, mostly as the penultimate hint to the killer’s identity, but also because it works into the film’s obsession with a disturbed childhood. I’m not exactly sure what Argento is getting at here, but it makes the film richer and scarier.

Argento is sometimes accused of misogyny, and not always without good reason. Gender conflict definitely seems to have been on his mind during the making of “Deep Red.” A lengthy subplot in the film involves our musician protagonist falling for a gutsy reporter girl, played by Dario’s muse of the time, Daria Nicolodi. The two frequently argue over gender equality, about which sex is superior. After the two arm-wrestle, the man jokingly claim that woman are less intelligent than men but more physically savage. I didn’t catch it at first but this definitely sets up an important plot-point near the end. A slow-pan up Daria’s face, bathed in oranges from a near-by fire, is sometimes accused of setting up an awkward red haring. While the shot doesn’t lead anywhere, it does play into the story’s theme.

The main character’s best friend is alcoholic Carlo. Around the forty minute mark, Carlo is also revealed to gay. He’s having an intimate relationship with a rather feminine looking man… Who’s played by a woman with a dubbed over voice. An easily overlooked piece of dialogue reveals early on that the mad slasher’s desire to kill steams from gender oppression, from marriage cutting careers and dreams short. None of this is likely to convince people the director doesn’t have some issues with woman, but he definitely seems to relate with their plight. The hatchet-killer is ruthless but ultimately sympathetic.

The reoccurring fetishes of Argento show up too. Roman architecture is prominently displayed several times, especially a large statue of a reclining Jupiter. An abandoned old house isn’t just a creepy take on a much older horror style, but the flowers that were potted around it and the layout of the house furthers the investigation. Artwork is naturally a plot point. Edward Hopper’s famous painting “Nighthawks” is visually quoted for not much any reason at all. The layout of people’s apartments even tells us about the characters living in it. The psychic, the killer’s first victim, has her apartment built around pentagrams. (Didn’t I mention the psychic? There’s a psychic in this too.) And when the hatchet-slasher does speak, the voice is a quiet, craggily, threatening whisper, as it would be before and after. A little bird shows up again too, simply because Dario likes them.

I haven’t talked yet about the set-pieces of the films, the murder scenes. There’s a reason the movie’s called “Deep Red.” It’s bloody, gory, intense, and startling. The kills here are cringe-inducing. Co-writer Bernardino Zapponi built each murder sequence around everyday house-hold fears: Broken glass, scalding bathwater, bumping into jagged edges, stepping too soon off of sidewalks into busy traffic, and elevator doors slamming shut on body parts. This roots the operatic carnage in common concerns, making the death scenes very relatable.

It’s gnarly stuff too. A body is pushed through a window, the neck sliced upon on the shattered glass. Teeth are knocked out on wooden desk corners. A man is dragged behind a garbage truck, slammed into curves. The music builds, while Argento’s intimate camera peers on. The long attack scenes are topped off with a tracking shot of a rising and falling knife blade, or a speeding car splattering a head like a ripe melon. This is the kind of stuff gore hounds and horror enthusiast live for. And then there’s that cackling running dummy that appears out of nowhere and apropos of nothing. Brrr…

The movie doesn’t work on every level. The full 126-minute director’s cut is too long. The romantic-comedy scenes, showing the love story between David Hemmings and Nicolodi, are long digressions. While Hemmings and Nicolodi have nice chemistry, the scenes don’t add much to the story. Clownish moments of her rickety car, with its permanently locked doors and falling seats, feel like they’re from a completely different movie. Further comic relief scenes, such as both ends of a telephone conversation being muted by near-by ruckus, or the stock giallo police detective yelling at a vending machine, further stick out. I’m fairly certain there’s a cut of the movie that leaves all of the gore intact but excises these distracting moments. If that does actually exist, it’s the ideal version.

(The heavily edited U.S. cut, called “The Hatchet Murders,” isn’t it. It’s butchered. It’s also in the public domain, which makes it unfortunately the easiest variation of the film to find.)

“Deep Red” really scared the crap out of me on first viewing. It one of the few films to deeply frighten me. (Along with fellow Italian horror, Saovi’s “Stagefright.”) I knew just about nothing going in and all the shocks and surprises hit me just right. It doesn’t play as well on second viewing, when you know where the shocks are. These days, it’s a film I admire on a more technical level then on an emotional one. But it’s still Argento at his peak, the first time his style and obsessions really came together to make a cohesive whole. It’s a brilliant exercise in surrealistic style and scares. [Grade: A]

Director Report Card: Dario Argento (1971)

2. The Cat O’ Nine Tails
Il gatto a nove code

“The Cat o’Nine Tails” is definitely an Argento thriller at its most restrained. There’s neither a lot of gore in the movie nor an abundance of stylistic flourishes. It does, however, have a rather convoluted mystery and quite a bit of sleuthing from its main characters.

There’s not a lot of Argento here, it seems. There are a number of point-of-view shots from the killer’s perspective, including some flashes of the murderer’s glaring eyeball. A small child does play into the story, rather importantly. There’s even a whispery voiced threat spoken over the phone. Once again, as the killer’s falls to their death at the end, we do get another rather impressive POV shot of the fall.

There are only four murders in the movie and none of them are particularly intense. A man pushed in front of an on-coming train features some slight gore and a creative shot of a spinning, mangled body. The other two kills focus more on the stalking, building suspense. A photographer garroted in his dark room or a close-up on a wife’s face as she’s pushed to the floor and strangled are as close as the movie comes to the kind of carnage you might expect. As noted before, the Animal Trilogy is the director’s style and abilities evolving right before your eyes.

The movie is very story-heavy. It involves an old blind man teaming up with a hot shot journalist to investigate the murders that crop up in the wake of a break-in to a genetic research facility. While I’m somewhat reluctant to say it, it works against the enjoyable of the film. The title comes not from a literal cat or whip, but instead refers to the number of leads the investigators find in the murder case. As you’d imagine, all those different story threads bouncing off of each other doesn’t make for the smoothest narrative. There’s the millionaire owner of the research facility and his hot adopted daughter, who starts up a romantic relationship with the journalist. There’s a tabloid photographer, there’s the wife of a murder victim, there’s a homosexual couple, and I think one or two others I’m forgetting. At one point in the story, there are four different people investigating the murders. It’s a bit difficult to keep track of it all. While some of these investigators end up adding to the body count, more then a few of the leads don’t amount to much. Ultimately, more then a few of the sequence involving one of the many supporting characters do little but lengthen the run-time, such as the scene of the journalist taking a car trip with the lead-heavy daughter.

What the movie does have working in its favor is a game cast. Karl Malden plays the blind man and it’s a very good role. First off, Malden pulls off blind believably. Secondly, his character has a wonderful relationship with his young niece. She functions as his eyes, frequently, and the two have a loving back-and-forth. They feel like a real family. The movie also reveals some darker sides to him before it’s over too. James Francisco plays Carlo, the journalist. He’s not bad in the part but, more then once, he comes off as kind of a doofus. He’s more clueless then Tony Musante in “The Bird with the Crystal Plumage” but far more likable then Michael Brandon in “Four Flies on Grey Velvet.” Francisco is best when playing off of Malden. The two work together nicely. As for the supporting cast, I liked both Catherine Spaak as Anna Terzi, the love interest, and Rada Rassimov as Bianca, the grieving wife.

There are more then a few memorable sequences here, even if few of them are directly related to horror. After the man is crushed by the train, the paparazzi swarm around a celebrity starlet as if nothing happen. In maybe the movie’s most famous moment, the killer poisons some milk in Carlo’s apartment. (In weird, triangle-shaped cartons. Must be an Italian thing.) There’s a lot of build-up before the characters are aware of the tapering. Near the end, one of our detectives are trapped in a mausoleum, in a nice, claustrophobic sequence. The killer’s final location is revealed by blood dripping on a shirt collar. My favorite part of the movie involves the sudden introduction of Gigi the Loser, a lock-pick and a recently released criminal. Gigi is introduced midway through an insult throwing contest, in one of the film’s funniest moments. More experimental then the camera movements is the editing, which cuts between scenes by flashing the first frame of the next sequence a few times.

Overall, I found “The Cat o’Nine Tails” to be a bit middling. There’s some likable elements. However, the movie isn’t horror at all. It’s instead a straight-up mystery and thriller. It’s not a bad film by any means but I feel this is transitional Argento at his most transitional. [Grade: B-]


3. Four Flies on Grey Velvet
4 mosche di velluto grigio

Argento’s stylistic evolution is most evident here. The opening sequences shows a rock band recording sessions intercut with footage of our protagonist, the drummer, being followed by a strange man in a trench coat. Playful shots from the inside of a guitar or of drumsticks spinning in space are intercut with stark, silent images of a beating heart, the rowdy rock score giving way to total silence. It’s creepy stuff and successfully sets the tone. Though employed some in “Cat o’ Nine Tails,” this is the film where Argento started to make full-use of the first-person perspective.

We witness each murder from the unseen killer’s perspective. There are numerous other stylistic flourishes. The camera is tight on a woman’s face as her body tumbles down a flight of stairs. We follow the blade’s edge as it swings towards a body. Slow motion is used successfully throughout, especially during the extended, fiery conclusion. Argento might have even invented bullet time here, as we get a single shot of a slow motion bullet striking a body.

This film also shows the slide away from murder-mystery thrillers straight into the horror genre. The murder sequences are more showpieces then ever before. The first is a long chase sequence through a park, the female victim squeezing between two walls, fleeing into a very cramped alleyway. Despite her frantic attempts at escape, the killer silently stalks her. Horrifyingly, we don’t actually see her die, instead only hearing her desperate cries for help and final, gargling breaths. A second murder features an unexpected, startling crash zoom, as a club smashes into a head. It’s also the film’s bloodiest moment, as the dying victim spits blood onto the camera lens. The third death occurs in a bathroom stall, accompanied by lingering close-ups of a syringe breaking the skin. This is prefaced by a brief scene of the killer preparing the needle and poison. The final stalk and slash sequence doesn’t reach the intensity of the earlier park scene, but at least attempts to match that level of drawn-out suspense.

Aside from the more obvious focus on violent death, there are other horror elements here. Argento’s fear of dolls first appears here, in the form of the killer’s spooky grinning dummy mask. We also get extended flashbacks to the killer’s past, such as long tracking shots of padded rooms or an angry man screaming over mysterious childhood pictures. This tendency to get inside the madman’s brain and foreshadow their eventual confessional breakdown would show up over and over again later. Early on, our protagonist hears an anecdote about Arabian execution practices, involving jabbing the condemned in the next with a stiletto and then decapitating them with a big ass sword. Soon afterwards, our lead is haunted by ominous, sun-drenched reoccurring nightmares of such an event. With each nightmare, we see more and more of the execution, so it’s only at the very end of the film before the actual beheading comes. While these dream sequence don’t add much on a narrative level besides some light foreshadowing of the eventual end, they are fabulously creepy.

Maybe this focus on style and violence was because of a growing boredom with the giallo formula. Indeed, the story plays with many of the expected conventions of the genre. Instead of simply witnessing a murder, our hero accidentally commits the murder himself. He’s soon blackmailed, stalked, and tormented by the real psycho. There’s no goal behind the blackmail and threats beyond sadistically destroying the lead’s peace of mind.

As in “Bird with the Crystal Plumage,” in order to unravel the mystery, the main character seeks out the help of an increasingly quirky supporting cast. Among them is a conveniently wise slummer nick-named God, a Grouch-Marx looking security expert who quotes scripture, a comic relief mail man who gets very paranoid before the movie’s over, and a flamboyantly gay private detective. While these characters serve little purpose beyond dropping exposition or padding out the body count, they are entertaining, welcomed additions to the movie. The title-lending plot device near the end of the movie is a nice touch, even if it’s a bit far-fetched.

Especially since the lead character is kind of an ass. Played by Michael Bradon after everyone from Michael York to Ringo Starr passed on the part, Roberto Tobias comes off as a rather selfish character. The initial murder and blackmail are egged on solely by his belligerent nature. After his increasingly frazzled wife is scared off by all the, you know, murders and stuff, he sleeps with her sister, for reasons that are never well explained. It’s definitely the clumsiest of any of Argento’s romantic subplot. Eventually, it’s revealed that Roberto was chosen as the killer’s target because he acts a lot like the killer’s abusive, asshole father. Another weak aspect to the film is that the killer’s identity is pretty easy to figure out. We’re only ever really presented with one possible suspect.

The drum-driven score, from the legendary Ennio Morricone, is used nicely throughout. The frantic drum beats frequently drive up the tension. Almost as effective though is when the music suddenly drops out. In the park chase scene, the female victim tries to hide, screaming, the loud, intense score pounding away. We then cut to the killer’s perspective, silently walking down an empty path, the music totally gone. The score also features softer, dreamier moments, recalling the melodies of later Italian horror scores, like Riz Ortolani’s infamously misleading score for “Cannibal Holocaust.” Morricone’s score is used especially well during the final scene. Apparently director and composer argued during the film’s production, and Argento and Morricone wouldn’t work together again until 1996’s “The Stendhal Syndrome.” While Morricone’s music is always welcomed, this split led the way for Dario’s far-more successful collaborations with Goblin.

Unavailable for many years and only seen as grainy, overly dark bootlegs and internet files, “Four Flies on Grey Velvet” was finally given a home video release a few years back. It’s the best film in the Animal Trilogy and Argento’s first real horror movie. For these reasons and others, it’s worth seeking out. [Grade: B+]

Director Report Card: Dario Argento (1970)

So here's my frequently promised Dario Argento report card. Aside from my general laziness, the main reason this took so long to get going was because I was trying to find an English-subtitled copy of Argento's sole foray out of the horror genre, 1973's "The Five Days of Milan." No such luck there, as even grey market releases are unsubbed. Since I don't think a review of a movie I can't understand would be very insightful, I went ahead and did this without. I probably wouldn't understand a comedy about 1800s Italian politics anyway.

Anyway, here's the first part. I told you I'd get back to reviewing horror films next.


1. The Bird with the Crystal Plumage
L'uccello dalle piume di cristallo

It was pretty much inevitable that Dario Argento would become a filmmaker. His brother was a producer and his dad was a film executive. After working as a film critic and writing Sergio Leone’s epic western “Once Upon a Time in the West,” Dario made the jump to directing himself. I don’t know what made him decide the thriller and horror genre was the one for him, but he’s been a part of it ever since.

“Bird with the Crystal Plumage” is an amazingly self-assured debut. It’s fair to say Argento’s been remaking the same movie ever since. So many of the narrative devices that he would use over and over again in the future are first presented here. The film begins with a witness to an (in this case attempted) murder, which soon makes the witness the murderer’s next intended victim. During the sighting, the witness sees something that he can’t quite remember but he knows is an important clue to the killer’s identity. It’s only at the end that he realizes what this subconscious hint was. A painting provides an important clue. There’s a whispery voice making threats over the telephone. The main character is a writer and his relationship with his sassy girlfriend provides the emotional backbone for the movie. Honestly, the only missing is a precocious kid and some toy-featuring flashbacks to childhood for this to be the archetypal Argento experience. Even the Ennio Morricone score, with its creepy child choir, recalls later Argento films.

And there’s something else missing too. “Bird with the Crystal Plumage” features a number of horrific elements. Following an atmospheric walk through foggy streets, our protagonist is almost decapitated by a mean looking meat cleaver. There’s a pretty bloody slashing with a straight razor. A dead body turns up in a closet. In the movie’s queasiest moment, the killer attacks a busty young woman in a see-through nightie, by cutting her few remaining clothes off. Despite all of this, the movie really doesn’t feel like a horror film. Instead of generating the raw terror the director would become famous for later in his career, “Bird with the Crystal Plumage” plays more like a straight-up investigative mystery, with a few gruesome thriller elements added on.

I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that either. The film makes fairly captivating viewing as our protagonist chugs along, following leads. Sam Dalmas is a fairly likable, charming character and Tony Musante plays him nicely. Suzy Kendall plays Sam’s girlfriend Julia, and the two have a great chemistry. A quirky set of supporting characters are marched out, each one providing his own clue. There’s a stuttering pimp, a paranoid snitch, a transvestite who is most definitely not a pervert, a chatty cab driver, and, most memorable, a grouchy, hermit-like painter who has a closet full of caged cats that he intends to fatten up and eat. While all of these characters are certainly entertaining and its fun to watch our protagonist play off of them, it feels a bit like the movie is just spinning it’s wheels until it’s time to reveal the killer.

That the killer’s eventual reveal has less to do with Sam’s amateur sleuthing and more to do with bad luck doesn’t help the movie’s case in that regard. We find out the killer is a mad, giggling lunatic too, which smacks of lazy writing. (As does the “Psycho” style, pre-credits sequence exactly explaining the origin of the murderer’s lunacy.)

Another thing missing from the movie is Argento’s experimental camera work. There’s not too much in way of style here. There’s a fantastic point-of-view shot of a man falling from a window and another where the camera follows the blade of a knife as it cuts towards an exposed eyeball.

Which isn’t too say that the movie is short on suspense. The sequence of the killer slowly working his way into the protagonist’s apartment, digging a hole in the door with the knife, is the most suspenseful scene of the film. An unexpected hit-and-run is surprising and leads to a decent chase sequences throughout the back allies of Rome.

I guess the simple truth is that “The Bird with the Crystal Plumage” simply doesn’t resonate with me the way Argento’s later work does. But it is a good film, a solid thriller, that certainly lays out many of the filmmaker’s favorite tropes and trademarks. [Grade: B]

The Bangers n' Mash Show Episode 3

So here's the much-delayed newest episode of my continuing experiment in audio-adventures, the Bangers n' Mash Show. In this episode, Mr. Bangers (myself) and Mr. Mash (JD) discuss a nerdy passion of ours: Superhero movies.



The reason it took nearly a month to get this episode up is because there was some issue with the program I use to record my audio. Originally, there was over three hours worth of audio recorded for this one. However, something happened, and a big chunk of audio, about an hour, vanished. That's why we only discuss the first two X-Men movies instead of the whole franchise.

The next one won't take as long. I promise.

Oscar 2012 Live-Blog

So, once again, here I am. In front of the computer and TV screen. I'm not looking forward to the Oscars this year. I mean, I'm looking forward to it. It's all I've talked about for the last month. However, the list of nominees are so mediocre, I know I'm going to be hugely disappointed. Also, I'm not exactly looking forward to Billy Crystal's hacky routine comedy.

But whatever. It's the biggest night of the year for Hollywood. As a movie nerd, I am compelled to watch. And apparently I'm compelled to bitch as well.

8:30 - And here we go.

Morgan Freeman's soulful narration gets us off to a start. 84th ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS BITCHES!

8:31 - Oh no, Crystal has been inserted into the Best Picture nominees. Sigh.

8:32 - It looks like Billy Crystal went back in time, skinned a younger version of himself, and is now wearing that face over his own face.

8:33 - Holy fuck, Justin Bieber. I think I predicted him showing up last year.

Must Crystal trot his ghoulish Sammi Davis Jr. impersonation out every year? Must he?

8:34 - I haven't seen "The Help." Because, fuck no, of course I haven't seen the fucking "Help." But apparently there is some non-intentional corpaphagia involved.

8:35 - And here's a really creepy "Tin-Tin" sketch. My God.

8:36 - It's going to be a long night.

Pun-based humor. Cutting-edge.

8:37 - There's apparently an inherent humor in the word "Baseball." And, at the millionaire jokes, OH SNAP!

8:38 - SINGING! ARGH KILL ME.

If you didn't hear, the solitary two Best Song nominations aren't going to be performed at the show tonight. Clearly, Billy Crystal's singing is a better use of the show's time.

8:40 - Even Marty's kid (granddaughter?) thinks Crystal's jokes are lame. Scorsese's made movies without killing before, you know. Has nobody seen "Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore?"

8:41 - Notice Terence Malick did not show up. As expected. Was that Tony Bennett? Or DeNiro? I can't tell anymore.

8:42 - And we're going right into the first category.

That was awkward. Seat-filler humor. Oy.

8:43 - Oh my blood's up now. Cinematography. Let' see how right I'll be tonight.

Really? I mean, "Hugo" sure looked pretty. But I thought the enormous sweeping vistas of "The Tree of Life" were sure to get the award. This doesn't bode well for it winning anything else tonight.

8:44 - That was very short. And were right into the next category. Production design. "The Artist?" Or "Hugo?" Which movie about movies will they go with?

8:45 - "Hugo," it is. I liked it too. But I'm surprised it's all ready being set up to sweep.

These people certainly took their time getting to the microphone.

8:46 - The lady looks nice. Reading your speech right off a cue-card is lazy though. I'm sorry, it just is. Nobody's taking much time at the podium tonight.

8:47 - And you fucking believe they went ahead and nominated Meryl Streep again? Speaking of lazy... She could be in a movie where she does nothing but sit on the john for three hours and she'd still get nominated.

8:50 - And we're back.

8:51 - And that was the second Kodak Theater joke. Do I smell a drinking game? YES I DO!

8:53 - Oscar is always talking about wanting to cut down the run-time of the show, to make sure people don't get bored and tune out early. (Or don't tune in at all.) Well, here's an idea: Why don't you just cut it out with the fucking montages? Do we really need an Tribute to Eyeglasses in Film or whatever? Is this a wise use of the Academy's time?

8:54 - "That's when movies where actually made on film." Was that a joke?

Jennifer Lopez is apparently wearing bathroom floor titling as a dress.

8:55 - Will "Hugo" continue to sweep? I never would have guessed. The fact that "Annoymous" and "W.E." actually got nomination is a bit of a joke. Fuckin' Madonna.

The first of many wins tonight for "The Artist?" Probably.

8:56 - Is it just me or is everyone really rushing through the show tonight? Not that I'm complaining too much. Everyone has been very short and concise.

Jennifer Lopez' boobs are fucking horrifying, by the way.

8:57 - Won't be surprised if "Albert Nobbs" wins Best Make-up, even if Glenn Close didn't look a fucking thing like a woman.

HEY WARWICK DAVIS! Thanks for showing up.

8:58 - Nice asses, ladies.

"The Iron Lady?" Okay, whatever. WHO CARES?

8:59 - Has "The Artist" and "Hugo" encouraged a lot of talking tonight about the MAGICS OF THE MOVIES??? As if the Oscars weren't bloated and self-congratulated enough.

9:00 - Random thoughts: Who the fuck invited Adam Sandler? Brad Pitt can't remember the name of "War of the Gargantuas." Hilary Swank literally looks like Gollum.

9:01 - "Diamonds are Forever" making such a strong impression on a young Adam Sandler might explained why so many of his movies suck.

9:02 - Sandra Bullock is coming up soon. Preparing my gag muscles.

9:03 - As for who is going to win Best Supporting Actress, I have no clue. The girl from "The Artist" was admittedly something of a random guess. Seemed like that was a big, important role. (The kind that should have gotten nominated for Best Actress but the For-Your-Consideration crowd thought she had a better shot in a smaller category.)

9:05 - Aw fuck, Sandra Bullock. DEMON PIG!

9:06 - She looks like she's wearing a curtain. What the fuck happened to her nose? Bad plastic surgery much?

9:07 - "A Separation" is admittedly my clueless guest for who will win in this category.

Hey, I got one! SOMEONE OWES ME MONEY!

9:08 - Is this a political speech? I think that guy just avoided having the pay-off music step on his feet.

9:09 - Making fun of Christian Bale's Lighting Rant will never stop being funny. I'm sincere.

9:10 - Is that how you say that lady's name? Good to know. THANKS BATMAN! Jessica Chastain's performance in "The Help" seems to be on the same painful level of awfulness that Sandra Bullock's "Blind Side" performance was on.

9:11 - I haven't seen "Bridemaids" but it looks grotesque. Not an Apatow fan.

9:12 - The Other-Other Lady from "The Help" will probably win.

Yep.

9:13 - I hope this doesn't mean Viola Davis will win Best Actress. It should really be Michele Williams. I'm going to rage if it isn't.

9:14 - This Octavius lady is having a fucking melt-down here. A crying, blubbering, melt-down.

Interesting music tonight.

9:15 - Over a half-hour in tonight and this shit is incredibly boring. Not really a surprise. As I said in my Nomination Write-Up, this is the year of mediocrity.

9:18 - Is Billy Crystal doing an intentional Christopher Walken impersonation tonight? Holy shit, why isn't Christopher Walken hosting?

9:19 - Is this "Focus Group" thing going to be a bad skit?

Yep.

9:20 - What the fuck is this? Are these supposes to be jokes?

This is stifling. Holy shit. Who the fuck thought this was a good idea? My god.

9:21 - I am dumbfounded. As if Fred Willard hasn't gone enough to embarrass himself enough over the years.

9:22 - Aw, I was hoping they'd have Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jr. together again. They kill every year. Bradley Cooper looks really spooky with facial hair. What's the appeal of this guy?

9:23 - I honestly don't know who will win Best Editing. Could be anyone. Hoping for David Fincher's "Dragon Tattoo" team.

9:24 - Holy shit, I called it! Already I think I've beaten my own record. ARROOOO!

9:25 - That was an incredibly nervous acceptance speech. Loved it. Will "Drive" actually win the one category it's nominated in?

9:26 - Another win for "Hugo." This film is crushing all before it. I honestly didn't find its sound editing to be anything special.

Take a drink every time Martin Scorsese gets called "Marty?" Sure!

9:27 - You know things are bad when a Sound Editor is funnier then the host.

Is "Hugo" going to win Sound Mixing too? At this point nothing would surprise me.

9:28 - I'm shocked that this movie is sweeping so totally.

"Marty!" SHOT!

9:29 - It's like there's a stage-hand off-screen pointing a gun at the winners. "You better get through that acceptance speech REAL quick!"

9:30 - Cirque Soliel. Yeah, nobody cares about hearing the Best Original Song nominations in their entirety. But you know what people do care about? Fucking Cirque Soliel. Holy God. The people running this show are incredibly clueless.

9:33 - Just for the record, I'm officially changing my prediction for Best Actor from Brad Pitt to Jean Dujardin. Everyone loves that dude. I'm expecting "The Artist" to win all three of the Big Categories it's nominated for this year. Clearly this is the year for Oscar to honor Movies About Movies. (I guess this doesn't rule out "Hugo" winning Best Picture and Director. They sure do seem to like it a lot.)

9:34 - Muppets! Hoo-ray! Kermit and Piggy are great but they should have fuckin' Statler and Waldorf host the show.

9:35 - What are the odds of one circus clowns falling onto the audience?

9:36 - What the fuck does any of this ass-clownery have to do with the Oscar? GET BACK TO THE SHOW FOR EFF'S SAKE!

9:38 -
9:39 - That music was rather Elfman-esque.

Honestly, it wasn't as bad as the League of Extraordinary Dancers from a few years ago. But it's still an incredible waste of the show's time.

I'm shocked that Crystal is just now getting to his first Jewish joke.

9:40 - Crystal is right. There's an abundance of old farts here tonight.

Okay, Robert Downey Jr. did show up. And what exactly is he doing? Some sort of Terminator walk?

9:41 - Paltrow seems legitimately weirded out by all of this.

9:42 - Is Downey Jr. acting or is he back on the drugs? He's covered in flop-sweat.

I really have no guess for Best Doc winning. "Hell and Back Again" maybe? Didn't get a chance to see any of them.

9:44 - Defining all expectations, Oscar ignored the Important News documentaries in favor of a sports documentary. Maybe "Moneyball" will win Best Picture. I don't know, maybe "Undefeated" is the modern "Hoop Dreams." But I'm guessing it's not.

Did someone swear or did the mic just cut off?

PLAY-OFF MUSIC! GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE POTTY-MOUTHS! WE'LL CUT YOUR MIC OFF, WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT! WE'RE THE OSCARS!

9:45 - Chris Rock has a weird afro thing going tonight. He's kind of funny though.

I wanted to see "Chico and Rita" and "Cat in Paris" but, naturally, it's not playing anywhere near me. Shame, both looked good. "Rango" will still win but Oscar might throw a bone to one of the two foreign cartoons.

9:47 - Told you so. "Rango" was good, don't get me wrong. Frankly it was a bit too smart for its own good though.

I really would have preferred a nomination for "Winnie the Pooh." I liked that one a lot. Total lockout for that one.

9:48 - I never would have guessed Gore Verbinski looks like that. I figured he was some long-haired, facial haired hipster or something.

9:50 - My bet on Best Supporting Actor is still Christopher Plummer. Seems like nobody else has any hype behind them. Granted nobody has seen "Beginners" but that's never stopped Oscar before.

9:51 - So is Melissa McCarthey's how schtick in "Bridemaids" that she's a big fat ugly woman who's also really, really horny? Brilliant! Give that an Oscar!

9:52 - Emma Stone looks nice. Of course. Wow, she's taller then Ben Stiller.

Third laugh of the night. It's a crypt in here.

9:53 - Emma Stone is doing great. The shot of life this show really, really needed.

"You don't want to be the host that tries-to-hard." "Just ask Anne Hathaway!"

9:54 -"Harry Potter" will probably win Visual Effects. But Oscar's going ga-ga for "Hugo." "Planet of the Apes" sure was beloved though. "Real Steel" joins the long line of tradition of random-ass movies that got Oscar nominations.

9:56 - And again with the "Hugo." Jee-whiz, I can't believe this movie is winning all the technical awards it's up for. There were a lot of other movies with better Visual Effects in it then that one. Like "Thor." Or "Captain America." Or some other movie that didn't get nominated.

9:57 - There was a "Marty" in that acceptance speech, by the way. SHOT!

9:58 - Recently rewatched "True Grit." Hailee Steinfield was fucking robbed. Melissa Leo did not deserve to win. No fucking way. Her performance was an over-the-top caricature. With Hailee, you got to see a star being born.

9:59 - What's with the wolf whistle for Jonah Hill? Dude doesn't look that skinnier.

And "Warrior" is another random-ass movie that snagged a nom. I mean, who the fuck even saw that thing? It was "The Fighter" with MMA.

10:01 - I'm happy Christopher Plummer won and not just because it's mean I got another one right. He's a good actor and it seems like a good performance. I'm looking forward to seeing "Beginners."

10:02 - Plummer's speech is great. Very funny, grateful, sincere. Dude has the diction of a Shakespearean orator, of course.

10:03 - Wonderful speech, Mr. Plummer.

10:04 - Martin Scorsese might actually win Best Director at this point. The Academy is way crazier for "Hugo" then I thought.

10:07 - So what celeb death is going to be snubbed at the In Memorium tonight? Patrice O'Neil? Ken Russell? Charles Napier? You can bet your as Whitney Houston won't be, even though she didn't actually die last year and was a terrible actress. The outpouring of grief over someone who was a pop culture punchline weeks before is incredibly distasteful to me.

10:08 - More comedy mugging from Crystal. Was he really the only person available? The Freeman joke was a little funny.

"MARTY!" Shot. The drunker I am, the better.

10:09 - The Nolte grumbling admittedly made me laugh. He's really like that.

10:11 - Thanks for thanking me, Academy Director. I'm glad somebody did.

10:12 - What the hell is this? Giant thing rising out of the floor? How much money did that cost them?

10:13 - Seriously, what was the point of the giant score book rising out of the floor? What did that contribute? Owen Wilson seems so bored he's about to slash his wrists. (Too soon?)

"The Artist" score has got this one in the bag. No way it doesn't.

10:14 - Told you so. All this being right tonight is going to go to my head.

10:15 - This guy's speech was a bit rambling. He came very close to get played off.

10:16 - Yeah, that's how you pay tribute to great film music. Have Will Ferrial and Zach Galifa-use-to-be-a-really-funny-stand-up-comedian-but-now-stars-in-increasingly-weak-movies bang cymbals atonally.

10:17 - PLAY THE GODDAMN SONGS!

"Real in Rio" was a fucking abortion put to music. How the fuck did that get a nomination but not the "Star-Spangled Man?"

10:18 - "Mildly Overweight Man Fall Down, Fail to Make Funny."

One of the "Flight of the Conchords" winning an Oscar is pretty friggin' cool. What's the odds of Jermaine winning one some day?

10:19 - Honestly, there was never any other shot of somebody else winning this award. "The Muppets" had it from day one.

10:20 - Holy shit, the audience members get snacks? No fair! I want snacks!

10:24 - Despite the show being pretty mediocre, it's going by surprisingly quickly. Can't complain.

10:25 - Even Crystal's gaffs aren't funny.

That slit in Angelina's dress is horrifying. What a fucking miserable dried-up old mummy. Who ever thought she was hot?

10:26 - I guess "Hugo" is going to win best Adapted Screenplay? I still want "Tinker Tailor Solider Spy" to win. That was such an elaborate story. The writer had to keep track of so much.

10:27 - Okay, that was unexpected. Dean Pelton is an Oscar-winner now. I guess "The Descendents" is the kind of sort-of-independent character-study that usually wins the writing awards.

10:29 - Hey, Jeremy Irons is in "Margin Call." Did anybody see that?

10:30 - Holy shit, Woody Allen won an Oscar tonight. That really surprises me. (He didn't even bother to show up.) I think he won by default. Not a lot of competition in that category.

10:31 - Werner Herzog immediately improves everything he shows up in. He should present an award. How fucking awesome would that be? Warren Beatty looks amazingly old.

Seriously, what the hell is Adam Sandler doing here? Why?

10:36 - Milla Jovovich? What? Who invited the star of "Resident Evil: Who Gives a Shit?" Talk about somebody who became a big star by completely random fucking chance.

Is she high right now? She looks high.

10: 38 - "Sink poopers." That smells like Oscar to me.

"Handsome." Wow, no shit. Did they intentionally ugly these girls up?

10:39 - Dick jokes. At the Oscars.

Apparently "Raju" was winning the Oscar Shorts poll at their website. I really didn't like that one. I want "Tuba Atlantic" to win.

10:40 - "The Shore" wasn't bad. It wasn't the best of this selection. It was the most Oscar-friendly though, I think. Not too shocked it won.

10:41 - Wait, what was the point of that? Beyond the implication that we're all drinking our way through this show.

"God is the Bigger Elvis" was winning the poll at the Oscar Shorts website. I haven't seen any of these so I can't say.

10:43 - Seriously, what the fuck happened to Sandra Bullock's nose? Looks like it's been slit up the middle with a scalpel.

10: 44 - With the exception of "The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore," none of the Animated Shorts were that good. It really doesn't have any competition in this category.

10:45 - So I'm real glad it just won.

10:46 - I hope these guys go on to make a feature. I like them a lot. Good acceptance speech.

10:48 - Just the Big Four left. I think Oscar is actually running completely on time this year. When has that ever happened before?

10:50 - Oh, Michael Douglas. I thought for a minute they meant Oliver Stone.

A month ago I thought Best Director would go to Terence Malick. A day ago, I figured the French guy would get it. Now? I'm thinking Scorsese might go home with the gold. It's hard to tell.

10:53 - Okay, so my second guess was right. Best Picture (and "The Artist" is going to win Best Picture.) almost always get Best Director too. Malick probably should have gotten it. But he didn't show up anyway, Oscar's thinking, so fuck him.

10:54 - I think that fucking dog is the most famous person to come out of that movie.

10:55 - 17 nominations, Meryl? That's fucking shameful. You could haven't given that spot up for Elisabeth Olsen for "Martha Marcy May Marlene?" Shameful.

10:56 - Dick Smith looks incredibly old. (Because he is.) And he still looks better then Maria Schiver.

10:59 - Oprah Winfrey won a goddamn Honorary Oscar? What the fuck has she ever done for film? Who the hell cares? Christ, I hate that Demon-Cunt so fucking much. Fuck her. She's not a good actress, producer, or anything. She's a self-satisfied, self-deified saint. Nobody else needs to suck Oprah's dick, Oscar. She's build an entire multi-media empire around making people sucking her dick, and then making those people praising her uncontrollably for taking one on the face. Stuff her.

11:03 - Who the hell is this? Nice afro though.

11:04 - Oh yeah, Jane Russell. What a great set of... Acting skills.

FUCK WHITNEY.

I glad Ken Russell wasn't left off.

11:05 - Loosing Peter Falk was a bummer.

What the hell did Steve Jobs have to do with movies?

11:06 - I had forgotten Jackie Cooper passed. That sucks. Who will eat all the cucumber sandwiches now?

11:07 - Charles Napier totally got the shaft. You can be such an asshole, Oscar.

11:11 - They sure are getting a lot of mileage out of that Edward Norton interview.

God, DeNiro looks like he's dying.

PATTON OSWALT! I some glad they made room for him. Great comedian, great film lover.

11:12 - I really believe Billy has no feelings. I think he's a Comedy Robot, forever programmed to 1986.

11:13 - Technically, Natalie Portman didn't play a murderous ballerina. It was all in her mind, you know.

Haven't seen "A Better Life." It won't win.

11:14 - It's coming down to that French dude who's last name starts with a J and Pitt. The Academy loves the Underdog, you know. Right? Surely Clooney won't get it. It was a good performance, but he's all ready won and the film was just shy of mediocre.

11:16 - The sound-filled dream in "The Artist" was such an overwrought moment. Not the best one they could have gone with.

Gary Oldman is the one who deserves to win. What a great performance. He won't win, because Oscar hates me, but he should.

11:18 - Yep, called it. Jean Dujardin gave a good performance, I guess. But it wasn't the best year or even the best of the nominees. I wish the person who actually earned the award would actually get it.

Sighies.

11:19 - Wow, a fifty minute Oscar show. I'm not sure if I would like to see that or not.

11:20 - He gave an okay speech.

Who's the drunken llama yodeling over the music?

11:23 - Things are winding down.

11:24 - I really sincerely hope that Michele Williams wins. She probably won't, because the Academy loves to pretend it cares about black people. But Williams should win.

11:25 - You know, between "The Help" and "Bridesmaids," there has been a lot of poop at the Oscars this year.

Ronny Mara has a really unflattering haircut. For the record, Noomi Rapace probably should have been nominated for the original film.

11:27 - Apparently, I'm not the only one noticing the awful metallic feedback on the microphones tonight. I thought it was just my TV.

And, hell, why I'm here, fuck Meryl Streep. She deserves nothing. STOP HOARDING NOMINATIONS, DRAGON-QUEEN!

11:29 - WHAT THE FUCK??! BLARGHLARAHHHHHH!

11:30 - Seriously, I just spent the last minute letting off a long cry of obscene gibberish.

11:31 - Thanks for raising my blood pressure, Oscar. I'm going to drink this whole bottle.

11:32 - I'm am both incredibly sad and incredibly angry.

11:33 - Tom Cruise? Whatever. Put the bullet in its head, Academy.

11: 35 - Of course.

So what were the pleasant surprises this year? I'm thinking real hard. "Midnight in Paris" winning Best Original Screenplay was a surprise and not a totally unpleasant one. I'm glad "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" won Best Editing. "Hugo" sweeping the technical awards was unexpected and maybe unearned, but it was a movie I enjoyed.

11:37 - I think "The Fantastic Flying Books of Morris Lessmore" winning Best Animated Short was the only win this night that I'm proud of and think was completely deserved. Christopher Plummer maybe too, though it's not like I've seen the movie. Everything else that won was either unearned (Fucking Meryl fucking Streep), a good film that won in the wrong category ("Hugo"), a good film that was nominated for the wrong thing ("The Muppets"), or something we knew was going to win as a foregone conclusion to the point there was no excitement or interest in it. ("The Artist.")

11:40 - Aside from the bullshit, how was the show? Eh. It started out really bad. All of the pre-taped comedy skits were terrible. Crystal was completely uninteresting. But a surprising number of the presenters were funny or entertaining. They really did cut down on the number of stupid montages no body cared about and I actually liked the pre-taped interviews for the most part. The acceptance speeches were mostly pretty good. There were no hilarious gaffs, outside of Streep fucking winning. I guess it evens out. Big improvement over 2011. Probably on the same level as 2010, maybe slightly above it.

11:43 - All right guys, I'm done. Now that Award Season is over, I can go back to reviewing horror films. (Which I will do, I swear.) As always, thank you so much for reading and watching along with me.

FUCK OPRAH WINFREY AND MERYL STREEP! MAY THE DEMONS THAT POSSESS THEM BE EXPELLED AND THEIR WITHERED BODIES BURST INTO FLAMES!

Recent Watches: The Oscar-Nominated Short Films

It’s great that the short films nominated at the Academy Awards are more available to the public now then ever before. Last year, I was able to see the nominated shorts at my local Alamo Drafthouse. (No, I won’t stop talking about the fact that Bum-Fuck Nowhere, Virginia got an Alamo Drafthouse.) Sadly, this year, the Drafthouse didn’t play the shorts. However, the shorts are available through paid OnDemand through my cable. Frankly, I think the shorts should probably be available for free streaming on the Oscar Shorts website, but, whatever. I’m just happy to see them.

Let’s start with the Live Action Shorts:

“Pentecost” (Ireland): Set in the 1970s, this short mostly revolves around the idea of contrasting soccer and Catholic mass. A young choir boy made a big mistake at his church and gets in deep trouble with his Dad. However, by luck, he still ends up on his Church’s team.

The whole short builds up to the final image, a visual punchline that brings the film’s two ideas together rather literally. While Andrew Bennet is quite good as the main little boy and Eamonn Hunt has a funny part as a very couch-like priest, the story mostly plays bit like a Shaggy Dog story. It’s cute enough but I’m not sure what was good enough about it to get a nomination. (6/10)

“Raju” (India): The premise of this short revolves around a German couple going to India to adopt a little boy. I watch too many horror films, so my first thought was that there must be something sinister about the little boy. The short doesn’t go in that direction, so my second thought was that this must be about rich white folk pretending to care about the poor parts of the world in order to make themselves feel more important. When Dad looses little Raju in the streets of India seemingly minutes after taking him home, I began to wonder if this movie was just about there being a lot of lost kids in India.

Turns out my second thought was the closest one, though there is something vaguely sinister about the adoption, it turns out. The biggest problem with this movie, besides white subtitles appearing over an overly brightly lit flick, is that almost no time is spent on developing the bond between Raju and his new foster parents. Over the span of this 24 minute short, maybe 4 minutes are devoted to the parents' relationship with their new son. So the audience has no emotional connection to the eventually lost boy nor his final fate. Further hindering things is the turgid pacing and overly self-serious direction. This one feels a lot longer then it actually is. (4/10)

“The Shore” (Eastern Ireland): The second Irish short tonight. This is also the longest of the films, by a few minutes. It’s a soft, lightly dramatic, somewhat comedic story about family and forgiveness. A lot of mileage is gotten out of the beautiful Irish countryside. The very Celtic score is quite nice as well.

What really sells the film is its capable cast. Ciaran Hinds, who I just saw in a radically different part in “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance,” of all things, plays the main character. His old man features speak a lot and Hinds brings a soft melancholy to the role. Conleth Hill plays the old friend Hinds is considering getting back in touch with. After a bit of a protracted sequence, involving a horse chase over a beach, the two meet and talk for the first time in years. It’s a quietly touching sequence from a quietly touching film.

I’ll admit, this one was harder to get into because of all the very thick Irish accents on display. But once you get use to the broughs, it becomes a charming story of brotherhood lost and found again. (7/10)

“Time Freak” (USA): Comprised of solely three cast members, this is a very funny sci-fi story. I do love me some time travel tales. This 11 minute short gets a lot of mileage out of its interesting take on the whole idea of time travel: That when you travel back in time, that one version of you is the only one that can visit in that timeline. This essentially means you can go back to the same place in time over and over again with no issues.

When placed in the hands of an incredibly neurotic scientist, played by Michael Nathanson, this means mostly going back to correct tiny mistakes over and over again. Oh, it’s a funny premise and the film sets it up fantastically. John Conner Brooke is very funny as the straight man in this scenario. “Time Freak” is mostly pretty light-weight but it is a clever, highly amusing slice of “what-if?” sci-fi. (7/10)

“Tuba Atlantic” (Norway): At first, I was worried this one was going to lay the quirkiness on way too thick. On paper, it reads very wacky. It’s about an old man who suddenly discovers he only has six days left to live. This old man really, really hates seagulls and has a giant tuba overlooking the Norwegian coast in his backyard. That’s not even the crux of the story. The main point of the film revolves around the relationship between the old man and the teenage girl sent to his home by the local church, to be his personal “Angel of Death.” Got all of that? It’s pretty impressive how dense some of these shorts can be.

While that might all read like a bunch of trying-too-hard self-aware quirkery, the final result is surprisingly touching. Grumpy old man, Oskar, is quickly revealed to have some emotional trauma in his past and suddenly very little time to be at rest with it. His Angel of Death, Inger, actually isn’t very good at her job, since all of her previous cases lived. The two soon formed an odd friendship, as you’d expect. However, the performances by Edvard Haegstad and Ingrid Viken really make it works. The movie successfully creates its own, slightly strange little universe. The tuba ends up playing a really big part in the finale and the whole thing wraps up in a surprisingly touching way.

By the end, I think this ended up being my favorite of the nominees. (8/10)

So who will win? I really have no idea. There’s none of the politics involved with the shorts that are so heavily involved in all the other Academy categories. Furthermore, the majority of this year’s shorts are comedic, or at least light-hearted, in nature. The only one you can really rule out is “Pentecost,” which is just way too light-weight. Honestly, “The Shore” seems most like Oscar’s things, but I’m personally rooting for either “Tuba Atlantic” or “Time Freak.”

Now let’s talk about the animated shorts. Only four of the nominees where presented in the OnDemand package. Pixar’s “La Luna” is being packaged with “Brave” later this year, which is why I guess it’s not included here. :

“Sunday” (Canada): This reminds me a little bit of the kind of animation you use to see on Cartoon Network’s “O Canada!” series. (In style anyway. Those cartoons were generally a lot more twisted.) It’s an odd little story about a little boy living in an odd town and the bad luck of the animals around him. There are a couple funny elements, like a mounted bear head who is actually just a bear sticking his head through the wall. But I’ll admit to not really getting the point of this one. Pretty animation though. (5/10)

“A Morning Stroll” (UK): Set over three time periods, this is a funny little story about an unusual little chicken. What’s really interesting about this one is that each time period is done in a different animation style. The 1959 sequence is done in black-and-white traditional animation with simplistic, stick-figure style character designs. The 2009 sequence is done in CGI animation and full of vibrant, bright colors. The 2059-set scene takes place in a desolate zombie apocalypse.

This one seems to function under a simple joke set-up. Show a scenario twice through, with things going mostly the same way, while the third version of the scenario goes very differently. While it has a funny enough set-up and pay-off, there’s not too much more to this one. (6/10)

“Wild Life” (Canada): Another Canadian short. The must striking one about this is its visual style. It’s animated with a paint-on glass style you see pop up every once in a while in indie animation. The effect makes the movie look like a constantly moving painting.

The story is an odd one though. It details a young British man with dreams of leaving his home country and becoming a cowboy. Where does he go to accomplish this goal? Canada. While that’s a funny enough set-up, and there’s some amusing interviews with the other people who live in the town, this one ends up not going much of anywhere. There are interstationals with scientific facts about comets throughout the film. This ties into the ending, but mostly comes off as unneeded. I wasn’t too impressed with this one. (5/10)

“The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore” (USA):
Definitely the stand-out short. The beautiful CGI story, which looks a lot like Pixar, is a surreal little parable about the beauty and magic of books. There’s a bit that plays like “The Wizard of Oz” in reverse: Someone starts out in a world of color, before getting swept up in a tornado and winding up in a black-and-white place. Eventually he winds up in a magical book store full of books that act like living, breathing creatures. I don’t want to spoil too much about the story and instead recommend seeking it out.

I liked this one a lot. It’s lyrical, sweet, poignant, funny, and, for a book-lover like myself, admittedly left me a little weepy eyed. Totally check it out. (9/10)

In addition to the four nominees shown, three Highly Commended shorts where shown as well. “Skylight” was light, funny, and a bit on the twisted side. “The Hybrid Union” was a odd little story that might be a metaphor about hybrid car technology, I think? It’s funny and cute but didn’t really impress me. “Amazonia” was a bit like classic “Looney Tunes” style slapstick. It’s fun enough but the extremely bright visuals and fluffy character design set you back some. I would have liked to have seen a nomination for “Skylight,” to tell the truth. But the other two definitely should have been passed over.

Something I noticed about the Animated Shorts is that common themes run throughout the films. Each one has a nostalgic component in them or deals with death in some way. Animals are featured in three of them. (And two of the Commended shorts.) Sort of funny how that happened.

Overall, I was pleasantly surprised with the Live-Action Shorts but kind of disappointed by the Animated Shorts. Last year’s crop was superior.

Recent Watches: My Week with Marilyn

No actress cast a bigger shadow in the American film industry then Marilyn Monroe. Which is, honestly, kind of strange when you think about it. She wasn’t the best actress of all time, even of her era. The definition of what is sexy in this country has change so much since then, you can’t even say she’s the ultimate American ideal of beauty. But Monroe did define what the modern sex symbol is. Her combination of sexuality, humor, and vulnerability is the standard hundreds of young starlets have tried to emulate ever since. Considering her iconic status, it’s no surprise there’s been many film takes on her life.

“My Week with Marilyn” isn’t a bio-film of the legendary actress. Instead, appropriately, it’s about how someone else observed her. About the feelings other people see in her and apply to her. Well, that’s what an icon really is, isn’t? Nobody becomes famous unless it’s more about us, then them.

The film is based off of two different autobiographical books by the same author, Colin Clark, the protagonist of the movie. The first, “The Prince, The Showgirl, And Me: The Colin Clark Diaries,” was written in the moment as the young author lived it. It mostly consists of the author criticizing and complaining about the people around him while detailing his numerous sexual affairs. The second novel was written years after the fact and reimagines our narrator as, basically, a fan-fiction Mary Sue: Someone who has all the answers to everybody’s problems. The movie mostly does away with either interpretation in favor of its own: A smiling kid full of energy, willing to do just about anything to break into film. Colin Clark, as played by Eddie Redmayne, is immediately likable. He’s got a kind of infectious energy about him. The way he forces himself into the movie business, just by sheer wide-eyed determination, is sort of inspiring, in a way.

That energy translates to the direction of the film, too. The opening minutes really drawl you in. The movie starts out feeling like a highly nostalgic, light comedy. The cutting is quick without becoming distracting. If the intention was to put the audience in the mindset of a fresh-faced kid looking to get into the movie business, mission accomplished. Not even a wholly tacked-on, completely unnecessary voiceover can damage that.

Once Michele Williams as Marilyn Monroe enters the film, things take a turn. The movie immediately treats Marilyn as a magical presence. From the first scene of her walking off of a plane, the camera adores her. Michele Williams sells it fantastically with just her body language. She embodies the grace and humor associated with the iconic actress. Williams’ easily suggest Monroe’s natural grace and charisma. It’s hard not to take your eyes off of her. The boy is immediately smitten with her and so is the film. Despite lacking most of Monroe’s signature curves, Williams otherwise perfectly looks the part.

The film quickly establishes Monroe’s vulnerability. She seems unwilling to live up to her own glamorous legacy, though the film goes far out of its way to paint her as nothing but glamorous. She’s a bit chewed-up by the filmmaking process. After building her up into an icon, the film seems to enjoy humanizing her. She forgets her lines, is extremely nervous, uncertain of herself.
A montage of blinking camera flashes is a cheap but totally effective way to visually illustrate the constant attention on the actress. She is painted as someone in constant need of reassuring, a plastic bubble always threatening to break.

Colin quickly falls in love with Marilyn. The production is troubled almost immediately. Director Lawrence Oliver is part of the old school methods of acting, while Monroe is working hard on reinventing herself as a serious actress. Paula Strasberg is by her side everyday on the set and quickly becomes a wedge separating her from the rest of the cast and crew. Trouble boils over further when Monroe’s new husband Arthur Miller leaves town. Soon, young Colin becomes her confident. He feels like he’s the only one that understands her, which is, of course, how everyone feels when falling in love for the first time. Their flirtation reaches it peak during the titular week-long vacation. Colin and Marilyn tour an old castle and go skinny-dipping. More then once, when confronted with a crowd of star struck fans, Monroe slips into her public persona, flirting it up for cameramen or a group of schoolboys. The film certainly toys with the implication that Marilyn is intentionally manipulating Clark, simply using him as a disposable crutch she needed at the moment. There’s enough ambiguity in Williams’ performance that it might be true as well. It adds complexity to the final film, even if it’s mostly implied.

Despite the film’s mostly nostalgic and love-drunk tone, the spectre of Monroe’s inevitable death hangs over the whole thing. Her drug and alcohol abuse aren’t shied away from. She’s frequently late to set and her apartment is full of empty pill bottles. When, looking at old photographs, she says something akin to “I hope I never live to be 400,” it can’t help but be somewhat eerie. She can’t be saved.

Aside from Williams’ ace lead performance, the film’s supporting cast is full of wonderful players as well. Redmayne certainly makes for a likable, relatable lead. Fellow Oscar-nominee Kenneth Branagh lays it on a bit thick at times. However, as the film goes on, he gets better. A pissed-off Branagh is a more entertaining Branagh. His hammed-up moments are the best ones. Judi Dench is father wonderful in a brief role, effortlessly charming. She immediately jumps to defend Marilyn from the at-times overzealous Oliver. Emma Watson plays a role removed enough from her famous Hermione, though not removed from her overly frizzy eyebrows. Her girl next door cuteness is a direct contrast with Monroe’s unattainable beauty. Her role doesn’t serve much of a purpose beyond that one. Toby Jones shows up too, but that’s just because Toby Jones has to show up in fucking everything these days.

The ending of the film definitely puts too fine a point on the main theme, as does the movie overall. Additionally, that ending stretches on about ten minutes longer then it should. It’s never a good thing when you’re thinking, “If it ends now, that would be perfect,” and the thing keeps on going. The pre-credits “What happened next” subtitles were completely inessential. Overall, as is frequently the case with Oscar-bait, “My Week with Marilyn” is a pretty decent, pretty good, film that happens to feature an excellent performance. Michele Williams better win Best Actress.