Christmas 2021: December 3rd

It's A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002)

The Jim Henson Company and everyone else involved with the famous felt creations these days are very aware of the nostalgic connection people have between the characters and the holidays. There's been multiple Muppet Christmas specials and movies made over the years. Right before the characters would be sold to Disney totally, the Henson Company would partner with NBC to create the first feature length television film featuring the characters. The awkwardly entitled “It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie” would debut on November 29th, 2002. 

In the days leading up to the holiday season, Kermit and the other Muppets are preparing a big Christmas show at the Muppet Theater. This is when they receive some bad news: real estate agent Rachel Bitterman is threatening to foreclose on the theater unless the bills can be paid off. This is part of a villainous plot by Bitterman to buy the theater and destroy it. When her scheme is seemingly successful, and the deadline passes without the money being paid, Kermit is despondent. This is when an angel named Daniel approaches him and offers to show Kermit a version of the world where he was never born. The frog quickly sees the impact he's made on other people's lives.

“It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie” does not represent the Muppet franchise in its proudest moment. This television film could not be more of an artifact of 2002 if it tried. Its 100 minute run time is packed full of references to then-recent popular culture. The holiday stage show is an extended parody of “Moulin Rouge.” There's a similarly long-winded sequence built around the live-action version of “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.” This follows a lengthy spoof of the Crocodile Hunter, in which a crude proximity of Steve Irwin chases Fozzy Bear. (One imagines the part was written for Irwin but he couldn't/wouldn't participate.) There's a long gag featuring the cast of “Scrubs.” “Fear Factor,” Ricky Martin, Spongebob, Riverdance, Cirque du Soleil, Miss Cleo, and Carson Daly are all mentioned by name. It's a bit exhausting, and embarrassing, to see these thirty year old classic characters so eagerly chasing stuff that was popular at the time. 

Even more disappointing is that these lame pop culture references seems to be what qualifies as jokes here. There are few genuinely amusing moments in this movie. A bit where Fozzy has to cross a hallway full of security lasers, only to realize he left the bag of money on the other side, made me chuckle. So did a series of jokes in the beginning goofing on O. Henry. Not only are their few decent jokes here, a lot of the humor feels... Kind of inappropriate? Pepe the Prawn, nobody's favorite muppet, attempts to romance Bitterman. And it just comes off as sexual harassment after a while. (Joan Cusack, admittedly, does her best to wring laughs out of the material. Even when stuck with a lame kung-fu movie inspired scene.) A later gag, where Skeeter appears as a go-go dancer, feels similarly off-putting in an uncomfortable way.

I guess “It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie's” lack of inspiration should be obvious, since it's yet another holiday movie inspired by “It's a Wonderful Life.” Yet this stretch of the movie still features the most memorable moments. Such as a likably absurd gag of Beeker working as a beefy bouncer. David Arquette is also mildly amusing as the angel who sticks up for Kermit. The quality of guest stars are underwhelming. Matthew Lillard has a bizarre role as a French director. Whoopi Goldberg plays God, Mel Brooks voices a talking snowman, while William H. Macy, Kelly Ripa, Molly Shannon, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog stop by for cameos. There's also a forgettable song, written by Desmond Child of all people.

Whether Disney has done right by the Muppets since acquiring them is a hotly debated topic. Yet one can't help but look at a lackluster affair like “It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie” and think the franchise probably needed re-calibrating at the time. The film is most memorable for the bizarre implications eagle-eyed viewers picked up on. The World Trade Center is still standing in the alternate universe where Kermit was never born. The obvious explanation here is that the movie was filmed in early 2001 but... It raises some disturbing questions nevertheless. Wondering how Kermit the Frog is responsible for 9/11 is way more interesting than anything that actually happens in this limp, forgettable holiday special. [5/10]

The Leprechauns’ Christmas Gold (1982)

I most associate the Rankin/Bass Christmas specials with the sixties and seventies. That’s when their most iconic films, like “Frosty” and “Rudolph,” debuted. Yet the studio kept cranking 'em out into the early eighties, to increasingly diminished returns. That is when "The Leprechauns' Christmas Gold" premiered. Like all of the later Rankin/Bass specials, it has a completely psychotic plot. Also like all the other latter-day specials, it was forgotten instantly after it first appeared. But the internet never forgets and I made a vow to watch all these stupid things, so here we are. 

A young sailor named Dinty Doyle is stranded on a phantom island off the coast of Ireland. There he uproots a pine tree, freeing the spirit of Old Mag the Hag, a vengeful banshee. See, banshee must be willingly given a piece of gold before Christmas Day or they'll turn into a stream of tears. Doyle learns this from Blarney Kilakilarney, the patriarch of a blended family of gold mining/shoemaking leprechauns. They were also isolated on the island after pissing off Mag, generations ago. Blarney devoted himself to protecting the gold, following a schism from his leprechaun wife many years back. Dinty will, unknowingly, undo all this conflict with dumb luck.

I'm sure the above plot synopsis sounds deranged but "The Leprechauns' Christmas Gold" is actually a little less insane than previous Rankin/Bass specials. Most of the 24-minute runtime is devoted to Blarney explaining the backstory to Dinty. This gives the special a slow pace but at least it's fairly focused. It doesn't digress but it's not very entertaining either. Most of the special is devoted to the leprechauns perpetuating cartoonish Irish stereotypes and singing forgettable songs, about gold or shoes. The most amusing thing about this one is how stupid Dinty is. After being repeatedly told the banshee tricks people by changing her appearance, he comes across a beautiful maiden on the beach. Even after the banshee sheds her disguise, he's still confused.

You'll also notice very little of this has to do with Christmas. There's a late appearing musical number devoted to Christmas, that attempts to squeeze in as much holiday activities as possible in two minutes. Yet December 25th remains mostly a plot device here. Considering St. Patrick appears — as the pope-like King of the Leprechauns — this special may be better suited to March than the end of the year. The stop-motion animation is fairly smooth by the standards of eighties television. And there's one moment, involving a monstrous face, that made me laugh. Otherwise, "The Leprechauns' Christmas Gold" is insufficiently holly-jolly and utterly inane. [5/10]