Christmas 2021: December 16th

Sailor Moon S: The Movie – Hearts in Ice (1994)

I've mentioned this before but I went through a pretty big anime phase as a kid. It starred when my older sister's boyfriend brought over tapes of "Ranma 1/2" when I was probably too young to be watching them. Not long afterwards — I was in the second grade at the time — the DiC-produced English dub of "Sailor Moon's" first two seasons started to play in syndication. The show aired at six in the morning on our local WB affiliate and I would get up early every weekday just to watch it. To be frank, the leggy anime heroines awoke something in my seven-year-old soul. It's the first time I can ever remember being attracted to the female form, even though it was ink-and-pen and not flesh-and-blood. I wanted Serena or Amy or sometimes Raye and Lita (but never Mina!) to be my girlfriend, even though I didn't really understand what that meant at the time. A few years later, Cartoon Network picked up the show and began to air seasons previously unseen on American television. This included a handful of feature film spin-offs as well. Such as "Sailor Moon S: The Movie - Hearts in Ice," which just so happens to have a Christmas/winter motif. 

The plot for "Hearts in Ice" isn't actually motivated much by Sailor Moon and her teenage superhero teammates. Instead, Luna — her talking cat advisor — gets things rolling when she's rescued from traffic by Kakeru, an astronomer obsessed with the moon. He has recently discovered a comet, containing an elaborate crystal, that has fallen to Earth. The crystal is a source of power sought by an icy outer space villain, who quickly takes the name Princess Snow Kaguya. She arrives in Japan and blankets Tokyo in snow and ice, while her Snow Dancer henchwomen terrorize the populace. That's when Sailor Moon and her fellow mini-skirted superheroines leap into action to save the day.

Though animated, "Sailor Moon" drew inspiration from Japan's Super Sentai program, the series that was adapted into "Power Rangers" over here. Like "Power Rangers," "Sailor Moon" featured lots of stock footage. The audience is greeted to each of the Sailor Scouts going through their transformation sequences, becoming nude silhouettes as their uniforms appear around them. Similarly, each of the planetary-themed superheroines have special attacks, which are also shown in breathless detail. The animation grain on these scenes are obviously different from the rest of the movie, making their status as stock footage apparent. If you don't find that stuff tedious, the strictly archetypal characters may grate on you. Serene/Sailor Moon is the best fighter, despite ditziness and a love of food being her primary characteristics. Amy is the smart one, Raye is the mean one, Lita is the goofy one, and Mina is the girly one. These thin character types might actually be a benefit to the movie, since the other Sailor Scouts —  lesbian lovers "cousins" Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune, mysterious Sailor Pluto and Serena's daughter from the future, along with the movie exclusive characters — are also here, occupying a runtime that's only a little over an hour. It all flows smoother when you can pinpoint who these characters are quickly. 

This kind of excessively girly, highly marketable, really goofy nonsense will not be for everyone. It's definitely not entirely for me, as I found stretches of "Hearts in Ice" pretty tedious. Yet, at its best moments, this is delightfully insane kiddy entertainment. I mentioned that Luna, a talking housecat, motivates the plot. What I didn't mention is that she develops a crush on Kakeru, actively lamenting throughout the film that they can never be lovers because he's a human and she's a cat. In addition to being the object of desire of a cat, Kakeru is also a lunatic. He believes fairy tales are literally true, that the Story of Princess Kaguya means there's literally a magical princess living on the moon. When his smoking hot astronaut girlfriend, about to become the first Japanese woman to go into space, tells him this is childish nonsense, he breaks up with her. Of course, they kiss and make-up by the end. And you're just left to wonder what other insane bullshit this guy believes in, that's going to threaten this relationship. 

Part of why "Sailor Moon" was so popular on both sides of the ocean is that it appealed to both boys and girls. Girls loved the romance and the strong female characters. Boys loved the sexy character designs and ridiculous action. "Hearts in Ice" has plenty of both.  There's a number of sappy scenes involving Serena and her boyfriend Darian, who is also the hero Tuxedo Mask, as well as Luna and Kakeru's subplot. The villainess shows off lots of cleavage and acts in a cartoonishly evil manner. But I do wish the action was a little more consistent here. Princess Snow Kaguya's "Snow Dancer" henchwomen make a very annoying trilling noise all throughout the movie. The villain is ultimately defeated via very corny aphorisms about friendship and true love. Overall, "Hearts in Ice" is a little too heavy on magical plot devices and superpowered weapons to be totally satisfying. 

Part of why I maybe didn't enjoy "Hearts in Ice" more is my own thought. For nostalgia's sake, I tracked down the old Pioneer dub of the movie to watch. This was mostly composed of the same cast I heard on the DiC dub as a kid, so I figured I'd get a kick out of hearing these old voices again. That's why I used the name Serena, instead of Usagi, throughout this review. Yet this dub isn't very good, the voices mostly largely being grating and annoying. I probably should've watched the subtitled edition instead. This is what I get for giving into nostalgia. Either way, there is an undeniable kookiness to "Sailor Moon S: The Movie" that makes it an entertaining film. By the way, the sole Christmas element here is a cameo from Santa Claus, though the winter element still makes it suitable December viewing. [6/10]

Sealab 2021: Feast of Alvis

Of all the early Adult Swim programming, "Sealab 2021" was somehow the most inexplicable to me. The Hanna Barbera superhero shows, which set the foundation for "Space Ghost: Coast to Coast" and "Harvey Birdman," were fairly well remembered. (And not just because Cartoon Network showed them a lot in the nineties.) And "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" was pure surrealism. But who the hell remembered "Sealab 2020," an animated mash-up of "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" and "Star Trek" that ran for all of 13 episodes in 1972? Someone at Williams Street sure did and they used that forgotten flop as the basis for the strangest workplace comedy ever aired. And since the year 2021 is now nearly the past, it seems fitting to revisit the program this holiday season.

Unsurprisingly, "Sealab 2021" puts an aggressively nonsensical spin on the aforementioned holiday season. Captain Murphy regales us with the story of Alvis Tide. That would be a winter holiday commemorating the birth of the hard-drinking, vengeance-seeking, gun-toting, ham-loving savior Alvis. Murphy is trying to put on a proper Alvis pageant but problems ensue. Safety inspector repeatedly interrupt, to point out the clear ways Murphy's actions are endangering people. Mostly, the other Sealab crew, namely Debbie and Dr. Quinn, proceed to criticize Murphy for his cultural insensitivity to the non-Alvist members aboard the vessal. But a miracle soon occurs.

One of the things I most admire about “Sealab” is how hard it would always commit to the bit. In “Feast of Alvis,” the show creates an incredibly in-depth parody of mainstream religion. The episode begins with a twisted perversion of the Nativity story, in which Mary is traded out for Delia, a “comely” young maiden that arrives with a group of young men. (None of whom claim to be the father of her child.) Bethlehem is switched out for a frontier military fort, the heavenly star with a glorious white comet, and the Three Wise Men with shamans from the local Native American tribe. (Who are not referred with such politically correct terms.) This bizarre spoof extends to other religions. There are references to “Krebs,” who celebrate an eight night festival and include Alvis themselves, as well as “Shiekrahs,” who fast for a whole month. It seems most major religions, and even wicca, receive absurdist revisions here.

The best thing about how this bizarre world-building is handled is how natural it is. Like all Adult Swim shows, “Sealab 2021” was extremely low budget. Its character models were recycled from the original show. Most of the animated here is devoted to the cast talking. Yet this is hardly a loss, as listening to these characters bicker about this ridiculous nonsense in a deadpan fashion is often hilarious. “Sealab 2021” knows to keep the absurdity constantly rising too. A buffalo, fires, and microscopic fecal matter all put in appearances. That's before the miraculous conclusion too. This kind of circular silliness may not be to everyone's liking but humor is subjective, of course. For me, “Feast of Alvis” is exactly the right kind of yuletide nonsense to tickle my funny bone. [8/10]