Last of the Monster Kids

Last of the Monster Kids
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Friday, April 29, 2016

Bangers n' Mash 87: Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Part 2

Hey, the Bangers n' Mash Show is back with the second half of our Buffy the Vampire Slayer retrospective! This episode is devoted to the last three seasons of the series. (Plus a few other things.) Since those seasons are far more divisive then the four that proceeded, this episode of the podcast is full of far more bickering and yelling then usual. JD and I can't agree on anything! Anyway, listen to it. Happy end of April.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

MEMORIES: Video Rental Stores

There’s no item of movie nerd nostalgia whose loss has been bemoaned more then the video rental store. I’m not the first to write about them and I certainly won’t be the last. Whole documentaries have been made on the subject. Some are so devoted to the video store that they’ve even sought to re-create it. Yet the fact remains. Despite a few stubborn hold-outs, the video store is more-or-less extincted. They are places of the past. For many film fanatics, the video rental store is where their obsession began. Whether it be big chains or weirdo mom-and-pop places, they were temples of knowledge for burgeoning cinema fans. Here are some of my memories of the local video stores that shaped my interest in movies.

That last aspect is worth emphasizing. Once upon a time, I didn’t have the huge movie collection I do now. When I was young, we only had a few VHS tapes to our name. Though tapes weren’t as expensive as they were when the technology was new, they still weren’t something my family could afford to buy all the time. The video store democratized home media. Instead of buying a tape, which brand new were still in the twenty-to-thirty range, you could instead rent one for a few bucks. A proper video store also had a huge back catalog. In the days before the internet, we had to rely on video stores for our film viewing experiences. If your local rental places didn’t have it, odds are good you didn’t see it. But the best stores had many obscure films available for rent, as many of them rarely sold their tapes.

Growing up, my family was fairly poor. My mom had to work all week just to be able to afford two luxuries for us kids. On Fridays, we would rent a movie or two from the video store and then get a Happy Meal from McDonalds. Our video store of choice was Top 20 Video. Located within walking distance of my home, Top 20 was the center piece of a strip mall in town. Top 20 wasn’t one of those rental stores where the tapes were on shelves. Instead, you grabbed the box of your desired movie and walked up to the front desk. There, a clerk would retrieve the movie from a library in the back. I remember Top 20 used to have two-for-five-dollars deals, that I constantly took advantage of. I also recall that a friend of my mom’s worked there, who would often greet us.

Top 20 is a place I spent a lot of time as a kid and many stray details remain in my brain. Naturally, I spent a lot of time in the children’s section, which was right by the door. I repeatedly rented a series of VHS tape collecting Halloween-themed episodes of Disney cartoons. I kept coming back to these tapes not so much for the cartoons but for the spooky “Grim Grinning Ghost” sing-a-long that started each one. I also remember some scoundrel placed “Return of the Living Dead 2” in the kids’ section, where, as far as I know, it stay until Top 20 closed.

Top 20 had a lay-out similar to most video stores. The older tapes, segregated by genre, stood in cubicles along the right side wall. To the left, was a sprawling wall of new releases. In the center of the hallway where the video game rentals and a small play castle, both places I spent a lot of time. The horror section was by the front desk. At that age, I was far too timid to actually venture there. Truthfully, while walking up to the desk, I often looked away from that cubicle, so I wouldn’t be spooked by some creepy box art. Despite that, I was endlessly intrigued and would often sneak shy glances. “Terror in the Swamp” is a random tape I can recall seeing. Top 20 also kept posters for the appropriate genres on the walls above each section. I can definitely recall the poster for “Warlock” resting above the horror section for years and years.

Of course, Top 20 was far from the only video store in our local area. For that matter, at varying points in time, there were three or four others. On the main street of my small town, there was a two story brick building. I can only remember going into that business once. My dad claimed relatives of his ran the place and once, out of curiosity, we both checked it out. The tapes were kept on metal racks tightly packed next to each other. That place also had the kids’ section right next to the horror section, which meant the grinning monster face of the “Critters” poster stared me down while I browsed “Power Rangers” VHS tapes. That video place wasn’t around long and went out of business years ago. The building is still there, as a place that sells fireworks three months out of the year.

A bit of a further drive from home was Video Invasion. Video Invasion was also part of a strip mall but a larger one, that included an Italian restaurant and an auto-repair shop. As I recall it, Video Invasion was a huge, warehouse style store. Shelves ran the length of the building. Hanging above the horror section was a small promotional item for one of the “Nightmare on Elm Street” movies, showing Freddy’s claw slashing through the movie’s title. (At least, I think it was for a Freddy movie…) Aside from that, I don’t remember Video Invasion very well. It’s possible I was only actually inside the place once. More then the business itself, I remember the store’s mascot – a cartoony space man holding a ray gun – on the sign outside and on the membership card. Video Invasion lasted a little longer then Top 20 did but went out of business around the same time.

Despite the video rental business being considered a dead end, weirdly, a new store opened in my home town not long after those previously mention places shut down. Video Den may be a small, locally owned chain as there’s at least one other store with that name around here. When Video Den first opened up, it was the first time I had actually been inside a real video store in years. DVD was still not the default technology. At first, they had an extremely good VHS archive. More then once, I enjoyed just browsing through the back room where all the older titles were kept. Of course, VHS was soon entirely obsolete and Video Den sold off their archive. Disappointingly, it soon became clear that the people who owned the store weren’t huge movie fans. This put me in an unexpected situation. Every time I visited my mom’s home town, I had a chance to step inside a video store. Yet unpleasant proprietors meant I didn’t venture inside Video Den as often as I could. A brief look at their Facebook page shows that they’re closing down at the end of next month. Now I feel guilty for not shopping there more often.

For years, when traditional video stores were only a dying breed instead of totally extinct, a specific business was widely despised by weirdo movie fans. Blockbuster Video was criticized for its puritanical censorship clauses, apathetic teenage employees, and tendency to drive weirder ma-and-pop video places out of business. Yet, when the smaller businesses closed up, Blockbuster hung on. In an odd way, the disliked chain became the only way for movie fans to re-experience the unique high gained from the video store experience. We had a Blockbuster but it was in the closest city, meaning there were many closer video stores when I was younger. As a kid, I can remember going into Blockbuster once or twice. I recall thinking their video game selection was slightly better, back when Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo were still the top consoles. My most pertinent memory of Blockbuster occurred when I was much older and involves an ex-girlfriend. After getting dinner at a near-by sushi joint, in the dead of winter, we zipped into Blockbuster to browse and get warm.

Like a lot of movie nerds, I eventually found employment at a video store. When I was a penniless college student, I took a brief job at that same Blockbuster. Mostly so I could have some cash to my name. All things considered, it was a fairly painless experience. It was the easiest job interview I've ever had. After telling the manager I was a huge film buff who organized my own extensive collection for fun, I was hired. I can only recall two evenings we had biggish crowds. My co-workers were all very relaxed. Customers were only occasionally rude. My favorite memories of that place were when shoppers asked for recommendations, which I was always enthusiastic to give. The manager could be bitchy and the pay was pathetic but I do not besmirch my brief time at Blockbuster Video.  

And the time was brief. When I got the job at Blockbuster, I knew I was chaining my boat to a sinking industry. I was there a little over a year when the news came down from on high that the store was closing. At the time, I was bummed out less because I was loosing a job and more because it meant one less video store in the world. It wasn’t the first time a video store had closed its doors. Top 20 Video shut down several years prior. A huge liquidation sale followed. Top 20 was filled front to back with tapes and DVDs. Apparently, this wasn’t just a liquidation for Top 20 but for many other video stores in the area. At that sale, I acquired a few tapes of oddball titles that have never gotten DVD releases. Things like “Junior,” “Splatter” and “Horrible Horror.” As much fun as I had digging through piles of old movies, it was bittersweet. Top 20 was a part of my childhood and now it was gone.

Video stores are now gone. Holdouts like Video Den are the exception, not the rule. Of course, the likes of Netflix, Amazon, and Hulu made the video store obsolete. While digging through the uncertain libraries of local shops, you never knew if they had what you were looking for. You can find almost everything on the internet. Like literature lovers bemoaning the rise of the E-book, there was something tactile about the video store experience. Greeting the workers, running your fingers through the shelves, and seeing the individual charms of the various stores were all part of the fun. As a kid, the video store was a place of escapism and discovery. Looking stuff up on Netflix isn’t the same.

As we head towards a future where most movies are watched via on-line streaming, I have concerns of my own. The central question has already shifted. No longer do prospective movie watchers ask “Will they have what I want to see?” Now the answer is “What’s streaming?” Do you really trust Netflix that much?  The choice is taken out of the customer’s hand. That makes me uncomfortable. How will future movie fans discover the obscure films that ignite their passions? Until every film ever made is available through streaming service – so, you know, never – cinephiles will mourn the death of the video store. Its equal parts nostalgia and concerns for the future that forces us to hold onto those memories.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Bangers n' Mash 86: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Part 1

I was going to open this entry with a small rant apologizing for why this latest episode of the Bangers n' Mash Show took so long to release but, you know, it's 2:17AM on the East Coast I don't feel like it.

A few thousand years ago, a fan asked us to do an episode about "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." We're finally fulfilling that wish. Because this is seven seasons of television, we're covering the topic over the course of two episodes. In the first episode, we discuss the original movie and seasons one through four. Hopefully the second part won't take as long to edit and release.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

NO ENCORES: Mystery Men (1999)

1. Mystery Men (1999)
Director: Kinka Usher

Welcome to a new reoccurring feature at Film Thoughts! I’ve been writing my Director Report Cards for eight years now. The series has evolved into long, ridiculously detailed reviews of every feature film in a director’s career. Yet what about filmmakers that have only made one feature? This is the purpose of No Encores. To examine why a filmmaker stumbled after only one movie. To see if sometimes maligned or overlooked films have positive qualities of their own. For such a project, I knew “Mystery Men” would have to be my first choice. It’s a film I’ve seen countless times over the years, quote almost daily, and have always had an inordinate affection for. It’s the only directorial credit of commercial maker Kinka Usher.

Champion City is a bustling metropolis defended by Captain Amazing, a corporate sponsored superhero decked out with high-tech weapons and gear. Yet Amazing’s done too good of a job of fighting crime and has left himself without any worthy adversary. Searching for a challenging fight, he frees his archenemy, master criminal Casanova Frankenstein. Frankenstein is smarter then Amazing and quickly captures him. Because “Mystery Men” isn’t about Captain Amazing. Instead, a team of wannabe superheroes with questionable abilities – ranging from boundless rage, mastery of silverware and shovels, and super-charged flatulence – have to save the day. That is, if they can stop bickering first.

Listen, “Mystery Men” is not a great movie. It’s too long, at over two hours. It has just as many gags that fall flat as ones that succeed. Some of its secondary characters are overly obnoxious or ridiculous. I’m not blind to the film’s flaws. Having said that, “Mystery Men” is a film I’ve come to love. The movie has a free-wheeling sense of absurdity that suits it well. It’s a silly premise that the film exploits for maximum silliness. As a comic book nerd, I also appreciate the enthusiasm and fun the script has thinking up unconventional superheroes. It’s not that the Blue Raja or the Bowler have useless powers. They just aren’t the typical powers. The film’s slant on the superhero genre is clever, fresh, and subversive. Captain Amazing is corporately sponsored but ultimately a selfish blowhard. The Mystery Men are totally independent oddballs and prove more virtuous then the city’s biggest hero. That’s a moral I can get behind too.

Of course, the real reason I love “Mystery Men” is its talented, diverse cast and highly quotable dialogue. Ben Stiller has said not nice things about the film, despite also starring in such duds as “Little Fockers” and that shitty “Heartbreak Kid” remake. However he felt about the film, Stiller is consistently hilarious. Mr. Furious is a character designed to play towards Stiller’s strength. Of all the Mystery Men, his talent set is the least practical. His “boundless rage” is intentionally fabricated. However, Mr. Furious’s gimmick forces him to respond to normal events with exaggerated, goofy anger. Such as his boss yelling at him to “junk” an armored vehicle, the mock-angry way he apologizes to his friends, and his incredibly awkward attempts to ask out a cute waitress. When that gimmick falls apart in the film’s last act – when Roy realizes how dumb his superpower is – the film reveals some of its best moments. The rest of the Mystery Men's attempts to enrage Mr. Furious produce some unforgettable one-liners. “You dress in the manner of a male prostitute!” And so on.

Stiller is funny but my favorite of the ensemble cast is unassuming William H. Macy. Macy is the Shoveler, whose gift – he shovels and shovels well – at least has some practical combat application. He’s also a devoted family man. His wife not-so-subtly attempts to discourage his crime fighting. Her passive-aggressive reaction to his superheroics provides some of “Mystery Men’s” funniest moment. “If someone vomits in my pool, I’m leaving you” is funny. Macy’s deadpan response – “That’s fair” – is a line I quote all the friggin’ time. Macy’s earthly everyman qualities allows him to be the straight man to the film’s many cut-ups. When the character bust loose with a funny line of his own, such as his rousing speech centered around an egg salad sandwich, it produces even more laughs.

The third corner of the central trio is Hank Azaria’s Blue Raja. The master of silverware, which most decidedly doesn’t include knives, the Raja is neither Indian nor features any blue in his costume. Azaria, and the character, puts on a painfully fake British accent for the character. With most any other performer, this would be an irritating quirk. Azaria, however, has been doing funny voices for most of his career. Moreover, the Blue Raja’s character arc is one of the most knowing in the film. He lives with his weirdly mousy mother, played by Louise Lasser, who mistakes her son’s superhero hobby for pot smoking. When he’s with his mom, the Raja drops his accent, revealing himself as a deeply insecure nerd. This makes Azaria something like the audience surrogate, someone with more enthusiasm then skill, desperately struggling to prove himself in a chaotic world. Also, Azaria manages to make a whole series of goofy fork puns consistently amusing.

Janeane Garofalo has not found many films that truly utilize her particular comedic stylings. As the Bowler, she frequently has a chance to trot out her dry wit and deadpan delivery. Lines that aren’t funny on their face – “As have I!” “Crazy chicken world…” – becomes hilarious in her mouth. The character also has a fantastic gimmick. Her central power, of a bowling ball possessed by the spirit of her deceased father, is certainly the most visually interesting of all the character’s abilities. What really makes this funny is that she carries on conversations with the bowling ball. We can’t hear what the hostile spirit of Carmine the Bowler says, meaning Garofalo’s irritated answers become bemused nonsequiturs. There’s also some classic culture clash humor here, as the father is clearly not as progressive as his daughter. This is best displayed when Garofalo braces against her dad’s apparent homophobia, the value of male parents, and an agreement concerning grad school.

I’ve already mentioned that “Mystery Men” is packed start-to-finish with hilarious lines of dialogue. Every major character gets a memorable line or two. However, many of the film’s funniest lines come from Wes Studi. A veteran character actor of considerable range, Studi plays the Sphinx, the terribly mysterious mentor to the Mystery Men. Aside from one sequence where he cuts some guns in half with his mind, the Sphinx’s primary ability is to throw out baffling, circular aphorisms. Studi delivers each of these lines with not only a straight face but utmost seriousness. Whether he’s ordering others to balance tack hammers on their heads or lash out like a drum-playing octopus, Studi barks each absurd line with a hilarious self-assurdness. The entire training sequence also generates some of the film’s biggest laughs, such as the team’s inability to believe in the powers of their teammates.

“Mystery Men” has a pretty large cast for a goofy comedy. Not every one of the performers get to shine. Paul Reubens happily embraces his slimy side as the Spleen. The character is one long fart joke, by design. This is not the most clever gag in the script, even if Reubens does his best to get some humor out of the part. Kel Mitchell, perhaps better known as one half of “Kenan and Kel,” plays the Invisible Boy. Only able to become invisible when no one is looking, Kel’s power becomes useful exactly once throughout the film. Mitchell’s gets some funny lines, such as dryly describing a situation to his apathetic father or listing off more absurd superheroes, but he’s somewhat lost among everything else happening in the movie.

Who is opposing our quirky batches of heroes? Among a cast full of comedy veterans is Academy Award winning thespian Geoffrey Rush. Playing the awesomely named Casanova Frankenstein, Rush sports an intentionally goofy German accent. Rush brings some hilarious quirks to the part that are all his own, such as his snake-ish hisses or bizarre proclamation. Also floating around the supporting cast is Tom Waits as Dr. Heller, an inventor of non-lethal weaponry. Waits’ own eccentricities are well suited to to the absurd universe of “Mystery Men.” His gravelly voice adds extra hilarity to lines about canned tornadoes or blame throwers. Also, I have to mention Greg Kinner as Captain Amazing, who is a perfectly hatable conceited assholes.

Truthfully, as much as I’ve discussed how much “Mystery Men” amuses me, I’ve only scratched the surface. The film is fulled of goofy, small gags. Such as the number of even sillier superheroes that appear at the try-outs. Among them are Dane Cook as the Waffler – maybe the funniest thing he’s ever done – and Doug Jones as Pencil Head. Or how about the peculiar set of criminal gangs that Casanova Frankenstein unites? Such as the Disco Boys, lead by a hilarious Eddie Izzard? Izzard gets some phenomenal lines of his own, declaring disco alive and his protection from the god of hair care. Also among Frankenstein’s troops are a gang of college fratboys (appropriately led by Michael Bay), a bizarre gang of Asian gangsters, and women warriors in color-coded dresses.  Or, shit, how about the Herkiner Battle Jitney, the endlessly amusing name of the team’s battle vehicle? I don’t know if anyone else finds this stuff as funny but “Mystery Men’s” particular brand of silliness really appeals to me.

You certainly can’t say the film’s budget isn’t up there on the screen. Aside from the fantastic cast, the film also has some fantastic production design. Champion City is another sci-fi metropolis inspired by the cities of “Blade Runner.” The architecture is crowded, industrial, and multi-ethnic. Casanova Frankenstein’s mansion is fitted with bizarre architecture. His master weapon – known as the Frackulator – twist the people and world around him into a bizarre, warped vision. When this weapon is activated, it proves surprisingly disturbing. Watching someone turned inside out and twisted around into nightmarish approximations of the human form is pretty dark for a silly comedy like this. Yet it’s another layer to “Mystery Men’s” odd appeal.

It’s not too difficult to surmise why Kinka Usher has never directed another film after “Mystery Men.” The film was a costly flop, grossing back less then half its 68 million dollar budget. The reviews were not especially kind. Stiller isn’t the only cast member to express disgust over the film, as Artie Lang has also openly hated on the flick. Moreover, apparently Usher found the shoot difficult. The various egos of the large cast collided and Usher, after working primarily in commercials, found a big budget movie uncomfortable. Despite all of this, “Mystery Men” has found a cult following. This is mostly thanks to the inventive gags, loaded cast, and unforgettable one-liners. Considering we live in a film world now dominated by superhero movies, a subversive spoof like “Mystery Men” was even somewhat ahead of its time. It’s a film I’ve watched many times before and will doubtlessly watch many more times. [9/10]

Monday, April 18, 2016

WHY DO I OWN THIS?: Suburban Commando (1991)

I have never watched a professional wrestling match in my life. I’m going to make either myself or my parents sound like elitist scum here but it’s the truth. My mom discouraged me from watching pro-wrestling, considering sports entertainment trashy, stupid and overly low brow. Despite having never laid eyes on a WWF or WCW match, many of my friends have been into wrestling. So I picked up on some stuff. Among them was an admiration for Hulk Hogan. He wasn't just famous once for saying racist stuff on sex tapes. He was, by my measure, the most popular grappler of the early nineties, especially among kids. This popularity was pushed with many toys, a Saturday morning cartoon show, a baffling pasta venture, and a couple of really stupid movies. “Suburban Commando” is one such film, a vehicle for Mr. Terry Bolleo and his golden locks, aimed at the kiddy market. It’s a garbage movie. So why do I own it?

Shep Ramsey is some sort of intergalactic mercenary, an alien super soldier who seeks out villains when they need killin’. His latest enemy is General Suitor, some bad guy who has kidnapped the president of an alien planet. After that mission goes pear-shaped, Ramsey’s space ship runs out of fuel. He has to land on Earth and lay low for a while, should any of his traceable equipment attract further alien menaces. Shep rents an apartment in the home of Charlie Wilcox, a frustrated family man. Naturally, Shep befriends the human family which becomes important when bad guys from outer space, among them General Suitor, track him down.

“Suburban Commando” is a comedy for kids. This is a nice way of saying that its humor is not especially sophisticated. As soon as the Hulkster arrives on Earth, a pattern emerges. A redneck will lock his dog inside a truck on a hot day. Neighborhood kids will be loud. A little girl will cry about her cat being a tree. A mime will exist. Being a space commando, Hogan will respond to these issues in oversized manners. The film returns to this gag repeatedly. Hulk beats up that mime, like, three times. “Suburban Commando” doesn’t have many other comedic ideas. Some of the jokes – such as a pair of tough guys being mistaken for gay or a secretary repeatedly pulling out a gun – are probably inappropriate for the target audiences. Maybe it’s actually a good thing the film sticks to such a simplistic ideas. When “Suburban Commando” strays outside this template, we get gags like Hogan mistaking an “After Burner” arcade game for an actual space ship or the blonde wrestler tripping on a skateboard.

Hulk Hogan’s skills as an actor are pretty limited. He’s okay at grunting in an annoyed manner but he can’t even crack lame one-liners with conviction. Perhaps realizing that its pro-wrestler star could barely carry the movie, “Suburban Commando” has a way overqualified supporting cast. Christopher Lloyd plays Charlie Wilcox while Shelly Duvall plays his wife. Lloyd’s character arc is very simple. The character is pushed around at work by his asshole boss. Weirdly, the film illustrates this struggle by having Charlie pause every morning when people race through a stoplight. Naturally, befriending a space commando gives Wilcox the courage to confront his boss. Lloyd is too much of a professional to be embarrassed by a shitty script. Even when putting on some space armor, flying through the air, and playing second fiddle to a pro-wrestler. Duvall, meanwhile, is wasted in a nothing part.

Did “Suburban Commando” make me laugh at all? Yeah, a little bit. One gag concludes with a cat being tossed through the air. That was sort of funny. Maybe the funniest moment in the film – and it’s a tiny moment – has a big bad alien bounty hunter speaking with a little boy’s voice. As a PG action movie, “Suburban Commando” works slightly better. The opening action sequence, where the Hulkster blasts his way through a space ship, is mildly diverting. The star stacks up a surprisingly high body count for a kid’s movie. At the end, General Suitor returns and reveals himself to be a vaguely Predator-looking monster. That make-up was sort of neat. I even kind of like the battle armor Hogan wears in the film. Even if it does look like laser tag armor.

Why Do I Own This?: I wish I had a good answer to that question. I own “Suburban Commando” on a cheap double feature disc that I think I got out of the dump bin at Best Buy. I rented the film a couple of times as a kid. I figured a smidgen of nostalgia was worth a five dollar price tag. Some times you watch something from your childhood and it holds up alright. Sometimes, you watch something you haven’t seen since you were a kid and come to the conclusion that kids are very easily amused. What’s the second movie on that DVD? “Mr. Nanny.” Even I’m not shameless enough to review that fucking thing. I mean, at least this movie has got some space aliens and laser guns and shit in it… [4/10]

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Director Report Card: Errol Morris (2013)

11. The Unknown Known

One of the purposes of Director Report Cards is finding the reoccurring themes and trademarks of different filmmakers. This, sometimes, has me finding patterns that maybe don’t exist. Let me propose the following: In the new millennia, Errol Morris made a thematic trilogy about war and its effect. This cycle began with “The Fog of War,” continued with “Standard Operating Procedure,” and concluded with 2013’s “The Unknown Known.” (This is assuming Morris doesn’t make another movie about war, ruining my little pet theory here.) In many ways, “The Unknown Known” is a companion piece to “The Fog of War.” In both, Morris interviews a Secretary of Defense. But the War in Iraq was a very different conflict then the Vietnam War and Donald Rumsfield is a very different man then Robert McNamara. Thus, the resulting films are totally different beasts

“The Unknown Known” is focused on Donald Rumsfield, the controversial Secretary of Defense during the Nixon, Ford, and – most pointedly – the George W. Bush years. In between reading some of the countless memos Rumsfield wrote during his tenure, Errol Morris attempts to get some answer out of the contentious historical figure. Rumsfield, however, does not cooperate smoothly.

From its title on down, “The Unknown Known” is fascinated with Rumsfield's circular figures of speech. The film begins with an excerpt from its title lending speech, where Rumsfield laid out one of his clear philosophy in an especially contrived manner. Rumsfield talks like that often. Just as frequently, he interlaces weirdly folksy figures of speech into serious conversations. Eccentric characters often pop up in Morris’ films. I wish I could say the director brought that out of a former Secretary of Defense. Instead, Rumsfield genuinely is a kind of weird guy. The film often shows archive footage of Rumsfield’s notorious press conferences. Here, it becomes even more clear how Rumsfield’s slightly obnoxious, oddly compelling personality made him the face of the Iraq War.

Comparisons between “The Fog of War” and “The Unknown Known” are inevitable. Robert McNamara gave a thoughtful, intimate interview that exposed his humanity and had him talking frankly about war. Rumsfield, on the other hand, might as well be one of the unknowns of the title. He smiles, in a fake, extended way. As if he’s disguising his true thoughts or feelings. He often dispel the probing questions. Rumsfield is all business. The only time ol’ Don ever gives us a glimpse at his inner humanity is during a brief discussion about his wife. He cries later but they’re tears of joy and don’t seem entirely sincere. Unlike McNamara, Rumsfield never discusses the frank horrors of war. He’s not willing to admit that the Iraq War was a mess, that the U.S. government acted wrongly, that he ever made any mistakes. Rumsfield is evasive and closed-off.

Which does not make “The Unknown Known” the most revealing of interviews. Instead, Morris had to build the film around Rumsfield’s unwillingness to discuss his mistakes. Usually, Errol Morris doesn’t insert himself into his own films much. In his earliest movies, he was entirely silent. As his career advanced, occasionally Morris would let himself ask a question on camera. In “The Unknown Known,” Morris can often been heard asking queries. This is a natural result of Rumsfield being so damn shifty. As Rumsfield delivers another answer without truly answering the question, Morris often shouts back in a bemused manner. When asked about the missing Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq, Rumsfield sticks to his story. When asked about torture being used on detainees and suspects, he denies all knowledge. Sometimes, Rumsfield even outright lies, ignoring documents he signed himself. Despite his best efforts, Errol can’t get much out of this guy.

A particular note of interest is Donald Rumsfield’s obsessive note taking. The topic recurs throughout the film. Early on, he refers to the “snowflakes,” the little white slips of paper that he wrote memos on. An early shot shows the slips falling from the sky, visibly illustrating how many of the damn things Rumsfield produced. He makes frequent references to speaking notes into a handheld tape recorder. Donald’s outside image is precise. His habit of writing everything down, of constantly sending people his thoughts and ideas, supports this. Richard Nixon’s habit of recording everything is brought up at one point. Rumsfield’s constant note-writing does not seem like a dissimilar habit.

As a biography, Rumsfield’s unwillingness to open up forces Morris to stick totally to his professional career. His rise through the ranks during the Nixon administration are briefly summarized. This time frame ends with a recording of Nixon and Henry Kissenger making it clear that neither care much for Rumsfield on a personal level. During his time under Gerard Ford, Rumsfield gives an interesting anecdote about Ford hitting his head in an elevator. Later that same day, Ford was almost assassinated, which made the bruise on his forehead seem a lot less important. His response to the so-called “Halloween Massacre” is interesting, as he braces against such a negative phrase. He speaks of his exit from the government after Carter’s election in equally brief terms.

Morris actually works backwards, touching upon Rumsfield’s work during the War on Terror earlier in the film. His description of being inside the Pentagon on September 11th, 2001 aren’t exactly visceral. Even while talking about intense, violent situation, Rumsfield holds back and re-steers the conversation. His thoughts on Saddam Hussein seem strangely manufactured. Even while talking to him during a diplomatic meeting in the eighties, Rumsfield talks about the dictator being evil. Of course, Saddam was a bad guy. But Rumsfield’s answer is rehearsed, planned. When directly quizzed about Iraq, Abu Gharbi, or Weapons of Mass Destruction, he deflects more. All the while, he smiles and chuckles, never getting at the truth.

Returning from “Standard Operating Procedure,” Danny Elfman’s contributes another score. The music features far more of Elfman’s trademarks. He makes heavy use of willowy choirs, whimsical strings and mournful oboes. Yet the music still feels like it belongs to a Errol Morris movie, focusing just as much on building piano cords and repeating melodies. At times, the soundtrack is oddly up-beat, matching Rumsfield’s misleading exterior. Elfman, of course, lets the music go to darker places, when the subject of terrorism and torture come up. There’s a mysterious quality to the music that doesn’t sacrifice the beauty of the melodies. It suits the film extremely well and is a pretty good piece of music by itself.

“The Unknown Known” is frustrating but how could it be any other way? Those expecting a similar interview to “The Fog of War” will definitely be disappointed. Instead, “The Unknown Known” becomes an examination of obfuscation. It’s as much about a deceptive and contentious historical figure rewriting events to suit his needs as it is about the Iraq War. Errol Morris asks reasonable questions and Donald Rumsfield, more often then not, gives confusing, double-speak-and-mixed-metaphor filled answers. Combined with Morris’ sharp visuals and Elfman’s solid score, “The Unknown Known” remains a compelling film. Look into Rumsfield’s eyes, watch him lie, and try to figure out how much of anything he says is true. [Grade: B]

Errol Morris has been trying to get another narrative film made for some time. "Freezing People is Easy," a promising sounding comedy about cryonics meant to star Paul Rudd and Christopher Walken, nearly came together before disappearing. More recently, Morris was attached to direct "Holland, Michigan," a true crime based thriller starring Bryan Cranston. This too has yet to roll into active production. I'd really love to see either of these movies. It's still obvious to me that Morris has a great narrative film inside him. Hopefully, such a project will get made that day. Until then, Morris has been keeping busy with short documentary films for ESPN. I imagine another documentary feature will materialize in time. I look forward to whatever that movie may be.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Director Report Card: Errol Morris (2010)

10. Tabloid

To say that Errol Morris only makes two types of documentaries is diminishing to his skills as a filmmaker. However, Morris’ movies can generally be separated into two categories. The first of which is his important, political and historical work. “The Thin Blue Line” got a wrongfully accused man out of prison. “The Fog of War” and “Standard Operating Procedure” shed light on the controversies of the Vietnam and Iraq Wars. The other category is intimate interviews with quirky, unique individuals about unusual topics. “Gates of Heaven,” “Vernon, Florida,” and “Fast, Cheap & Out of Control” are examples. “Tabloid” fits snugly inside the second style. While both types of film are often great, I’ll admit a preference to the second type. “Tabloid” may even be my favorite of all of Errol Morris’ films.

Some time in the late seventies, a former beauty pageant queen from the American south named Joyce McKinney became romantically obsessed with Kirk Anderson, a Mormon missionary. McKinney claims the two were in love. After Anderson left for the U.K. on a religious mission – without telling McKinney – she organized a group of people to help her travel the world and find the man of her dreams. After locating him, Joyce kidnapped Kirk, took him to a secluded cottage in the country side, and tied him to a bed. How consensual the following sex was is debated. After Kirk was freed and Joyce was put on trial, a media circus erupted. The British tabloids made McKinney a minor celebrity. Yet Joyce’s bizarre story was only beginning.

That “Tabloid” is the first movie made about McKinney’s stranger-than-fiction story is surprising. The tale presented in “Tabloid” is so perfectly unusual, spinning in multiple unexpected directions with a fascinating figure at its center. As one of the tabloid reporters explain in the film, the story has everything: Sex, religion, intrigue, bondage, kidnapping. The story even had a catchy name: “The Case of the Manacled Mormon!” No wonder Joyce sold so many papers. Yet the best part of “Tabloid” is how the story gets weirder and weirder the longer it goes on. Joyce’s true nature, what really happened in that cottage, what she did on the way to prison, how the media handled it, and even her post-scandal life back in America is unpredictable and compelling. This is exactly the kind of subject that deserves a film.

Errol Morris has interviewed some colorful characters over his films. Award winning astrophysicists, death chamber designers, lion tamers, and deep south eccentrics have all told their stories in front of his cameras. Yet few of them compare to Joyce McKinney. McKinney’s distinctive accent and odd figures of speech make her immediately memorable. Undeniably, she tells her story through self-interested rose colored glasses. She describes the Church of Latter-Day Saints as a cult. When discussing her boyfriend’s time with the Mormon church, she describes him as brain-washed and robotic, talking about a Kirk #1 and Kirk #2. She frames her romance with Kirk in fairy tale terms, with everyone else – from Kirk’s parents, the Mormon Church, and the media – keeping them apart. According to her own telling, Joyce’s adventure includes extreme violence, magical spirits, elaborate disguises, and contraband hidden inside her bodily cavities. (All of this is aside from the time she kidnapped and raped a guy.) In other words, Joyce McKinney is fucking nuts. Like many crazy people, she’s fascinating to watch.

Yet Joyce’s version of events is not the only one told in “Tabloid.” Morris interviews the pilot that flew a plane across the Atlantic. According to this man, Joyce greeted him in a see-through top without a bra. Later, the same guy describes visiting a nude beach with Joyce, freely admitting that the former beauty queen – a shapely blonde – would be desired by any heterosexual male. Joyce presents herself as a virgin, a fairy tale princess totally pure in her motivations. Other anecdotes suggest Joyce was willing to use her physical beauty to get her way. Later, we learn Joyce worked as a call-girl, an on-demand dominatrix and massage therapist who performed oral sex on her clients. (Even this account points out that Joyce never had vaginal intercourse with the men.) Joyce outright denies these allegations, claiming the people who told these stories were liars and fraudsters. But they certainly explain how she funded her cross-Atlantic adventure.

The nature of the truth has been a reoccurring feature in Errol Morris’ movies: The facts of the murder case in “The Thin Blue Line,” the different perceptions of the abuse in “Standard Operating Procedure,” Fred Leuchter’s view of the truth in “Mr. Death.” In “Tabloid,” this theme manifest in the conflicting stories told about Joyce. Is Joyce, as she claims, a virtuous warrior of love? An advantageous seductress? A literal sex worker? At one point in the story, two rival British tabloids ran opposing sides of the story. One presented Joyce as the Madonna. The other presented her as the whore. As one of the film’s interview subjects points out, the truth likely lies somewhere between these two extremes. The viewer coming to their own conclusions is part of the fun of “Tabloid,” a mystery without a solution, that anybody can be caught up in.

Whatever your opinion of the Church of Latter-Day Saints is, you have to admit that some of the Church’s theology is… Eccentric. Joyce describes some of these beliefs while Morris digs up old footage from LDS educational films. About how Jesus was a polygamist, how God lives on a planet in the center of the universe, how black people were cursed by the Lord. Inevitably, the magic underwear comes up. Joyce claims she and Kirk burned his together. A former Mormon and an expert on the church is also interviewed. He back-ups the statement that the Church’s stance on sex is conservative, to say the least. That young Mormons are encouraged to become missionaries. He also shares an amusing anecdote, about Joyce McKinney becoming a Mormon bogey-woman, a succubus that could abduct young Mormons and steal away their precious virginity. If nothing else, the Church’s involvement adds another unusual element to this bizarre story.

Naturally, such a salacious true story caught the attention of the tabloids. In the U.K., the tabloids are notorious for focusing on sleazy, sexual stories. Which helps explain why Joyce became such a figure of fascination. Joyce, unsurprising given her attitudes, describes the tabloids as smutty and degrading. She talks about paparazzi doggedly pursuing her. Even once she’s back in America, Joyce claims people tracked her down. Yet her minor celebrity status earned Joyce some perks. It got her into a movie premiere, where she out shined star Joan Collins. While inside clubs, she got to meet Keith Moon, John Travolta, and the Bee Gees. She received adoring fan mail, from young men who would’ve been happy to been chained up by her. While the fame was fun at first, Joyce’s paranoid fantasies has the tabloid press becoming another one of her enemies. Considering we live in a world where internet viral videos can make nobodies somebodies, this side of “Tabloid” remains pertinent.

Joyce seemed to disappear from the public’s eye after interest in the story died down. She secluded herself from public life. This is illustrated with some home movies, where Joyce’s deranged narration accompanies footage of her parent’s house. Yet “Tabloid” takes another unexpected turn in the last act. McKinney tells an unlikely story of a vet sabotaging her pitbull’s medication, which caused him to go crazy and violently maw her. (It’s unlikely that Joyce could’ve survived the extreme wounds she describes.) Another pet of her’s, a stray named Booger, saved her life. Booger becomes the second love of Joyce’s life, being her companion in her later years. When Booger died of cancer, Joyce set out on another global adventure to rescue her love. The journey led her to Seoul, Korea, where Booger became the first commercially cloned dog. What could’ve been a sweet story is slanted by Joyce’s continued eccentric behavior. She repeats the name “Booger” like a mantra, which quickly becomes hilarious. She mentions God promising her that her dog will return to her. That Booger’s spirit visibly followed her on the plane ride. If you wrote this stuff, it would be described as over-the-top.

Morris’ film follows the visual cues of the tabloid, printing black-on-white headlines, grainy photographs, presenting his interviews inside a television, and emphasizing the salacious words used in the film. Joyce McKinney’s strange life and stranger personality followed “Tabloid” even after the film was finished. After the movie's release, McKinney sued Morris for defamation. She claimed the film portrayed her as a crazy rapist. Even though her actions would obviously be described as rape by any modern definition. As for “crazy?” Well, just watch the movie. (Since then, McKinney has also been connected with a bizarre burglary case.) “Tabloid” is hilarious, enthralling, and endlessly re-watchable. Who would’ve thought that a Wyoming beauty queen would provide Errol Morris with his most unusual interview? [Grade: A]