Halloween 2020: October 22nd

Relic (2020)

Recently, there was a tweet that got some attention, about how the poster was sick of horror movies being About Something. It was a silly opinion, for many reasons, but I sort of understand where they was coming from. 2020's indie horror scene is certainly crowded with movies that want to be the next “Hereditary.” Even otherwise good movies are somewhat stigmatized by how much they want to be included in the “elevated horror” club. Such as “Relic,” a fright film clearly about the horrors of dementia. While the Australian chiller has earned some praise, it's also earned some criticism from people tired of “underlit, slow-burn dramas” masquerading as horror pictures. It's definitely time for me to weigh in on this one.

Kay’s mother, Edna, is showing signs of dementia. Recently, she flooded her home after leaving a bath running. After wandering away from the house for three days, Kay and her daughter, Sam, temporarily move in. They discover Edna’s condition is far worst than either realized. She leaves notes around the house to remember to do simple things. She has conversations with people who aren’t there. She forgets conversations she had earlier, forgets where she is, and sometimes becomes violent. The longer Kay and Sam stay, the clearer it becomes that a supernatural presence is affecting Edna and her home.

In “Relic,” dementia is the monster. Unlike “Hereditary,” no demonic explanation is added to disguise the film’s theme. All the creepy stuff that happens in “Relic” — and “Relic” is creepy — is a metaphor for its ideas. Edna’s home is decaying, much like her mind. A black mold like substance is seen on the walls and eventually spreads to Edna’s body. Her body breaks down, skin tearing away and bone stabbing through, because her mind is breaking down. In one of the scariest sequences in the film, Sam gets lost in winding corridors inside the home. Much like how her grandmother is frequently lost in her own memories. This commitment to the idea, that dementia replaces the person you love with a monster, is probably why some of the more grounded scenes are “Relic’s” most upsetting. Like when Edna jerks a ring off Sam’s finger, forgetting she gave it to her earlier. Or when she stares at her own daughter with a blank face, clearly not recognizing her. 

Part of the reason why we, the viewer, are willing to play along with “Relic” is because we care about its characters. Almost the entire movie is devoted to Kay, Edna, and Sam. So it’s a good thing a strong cast is here to keep you invested. Emily Mortimer, as Kay, is not afraid to show the frustration the character feels. She’s reluctant to confront why her mom is acting this way, why the person who has taken care of her now requires care. Robyn Nevin can certainly be frightening as Edna, during her most demonic moments. Yet she’s mostly heartbreaking, as a woman loosing her mind. A scene mother and daughter share, burying a photo album, is destined to be among 2020’s saddest cinematic moments. Ultimately, love and sympathy is what drives the film, earning a more contemplative conclusion than you may be expecting. Bella Heathcote is also pretty good as Sam, even if she’s more of a typical screaming heroine type. (And would be the protagonist in a weaker movie.)

You can accuse director Natalie Erika James of wanting to make a domestic drama about dementia but turning it into a horror film to make it more commercial. Maybe. But James is pretty good at the scary stuff too. A feeling of creeping dread presides from the earliest scenes. Edna’s home is a totally normal place but feels intrinsically wrong. “Relic’s” sound design is excellent, clattering noises from behind the walls or a thumping laundry machine often putting the viewer on edge. As the paranormal horror becomes more overt, James ratchets up the tension. The dark hallways of the home become ominous, as a twitching monster lurks within them. Squirming body horror and full-bore attack scenes keep the unease high. It’s nothing we haven’t seen before but it’s very well done. Only the swirling nightmare sequences feel trite. 

My own grandmother was afflicted with senility, in the years before her death. Luckily, she never became violent. Instead, she was largely forgetful. She would often repeat phrases and became increasingly child-like as she got older. I saw the frustration and pain this caused my own mother. Which is probably why “Relic” worked a lot better for me than it did some horror fans. Yet I think this is a really effective scare film too, James utilizing familiar tools in exciting ways. And if any horror flick earns a “the terror isn’t over yet” ending, it’s this one. If “elevated horror” is destined to be the 2020’s contribution to genre history, we could do a lot worst than films like “Relic.” [8/10]

The Awakening (1980)

After watching the mummy sequence in “Tales from the Darkside: The Movie” the other day, I'm craving more tales of Egyptian horror. Unsurprisingly, mummy movies went out of vogue long ago. Stories about the shambling corpses of Egyptian royalty largely dried up after the fifties. This is probably because the mummy premise is not as mutable as vampires or werewolves. If you're making a mummy movie, you kind of have to involve Egypt. (Or the Aztecs, at the very least.) Still, there have been occasional attempts to revive the idea over the decades. Long before Universal's various big budget remakes, Warner Brothers would take a stab at the mummy movie at the start of the eighties. Another adaptation of Bram Stoker's “Jewel of the Seven Stars,” I've long been curious about “The Awakening.”

His whole life, archaeologist Matthew Corbeck has searched for evidence of Kara, an ancient queen of Egypt that was said to be so wicked, her name was stricken from history. On a trip into the Valley of the Kings, along with his pregnant wife, Corbeck thinks he's found it. As the tomb is cracked open, his wife gives birth. Eighteen years later, Corbeck and his wife are divorced and his daughter, Margaret, is a teenage girl. She requests to see her father, the two even traveling to Egypt together. Corbeck's obsession with Queen Kara grows more intense. Margaret starts to act strangely. Bizarre accidents begin to happen around them. The legend that the evil queen can be resurrected seems to be coming true. 

“The Awakening” attempts to be a “slow burn” but only manages to be slow. Though only running 100 minutes long, the film feels considerably longer. The characters leap around from country to country. Corbeck and Margaret go from England to Egypt and back without much attention. Minor characters come and go. Like a love interest for the daughter, a psychologist, or Corbeck's first wife. None make much of an impression. The best idea “The Awakening” has occurs in the first fifteen minutes. That would be when Margaret's birth coincides with Kara's tomb being opened, when her first breath occurs at the same time as the mummy is uncovered. After that, it's just a long wait for the movie to reach its inevitable conclusion... A conclusion the film seemingly goes out of its to avoid for as long as possible. 

Yes, “The Awakening” is one of those pretentious horror movies afraid of being a horror movie. There's no crawling mummy action here, I'm sad to say. Instead, “The Awakening” has ominous accidents befall people. When lifting a wall of hieroglyphs out of Kara's tomb, a worker is caught in a rope and pulled off a cliff. A man is struck by a car. A booby trap skewers a guy. Some of these scenes are rather laughable, such as when a lady looses a stare-off with vibrating cobra statue. Yet these bits of carnage – like a shard glass impaling a throat – are the only time “The Awakening” really comes to life. Considering Charleston Heston was offered “The Omen” and turned it down, one can't help but notice the similarities. “The Awakening” trades out Satan for Egypt and Damian for Kara, only managing to capture a tiny fracture of that film's disquieting power or gory bombast. That blatant cribbing is still “The Awakening's” best trick.

What's frustrating about “The Awakening” is that it didn't have to be this way. The dysfunctional relationships at the story's center had potential. At the film's beginning, Corbeck's wife is about fed up with him. She feels his obsession with Egyptology supersedes his devotion to her and their child. When he misses the birth because he's off digging, that's the final straw. There's certainly more than one suggestion that Corbeck is a bit in love with Kara. Which, once his daughter obviously becomes the reincarnation of the dead queen, brings a disquieting suggestion of incest to the proceedings. Sadly, “The Awakening” never does much with these ideas, its fucked-up emotions lingering uncomfortably under the surface. You certainly can't imagine Charlton Heston, always so dignified and saintly, playing a character that has anything but fatherly thoughts towards his daughter. 

Aside from the mummy stuff, Heston's involvement is the main reason I wanted to check out “The Awakening.” After Heston's trilogy of sci-fi dystopian flicks, I was hoping this would be the forgotten fourth part of the iconic actor's genre film experiments. Sadly, “The Awakening” isn't even up to the standards of “Soylent Green.” Heston said in the press leading up the movie's release that this was his first horror movie, clearly forgetting that “The Omega Man” was about mutated ghouls. Excluding that, and excepting a cameo in “In the Mouth of Madness,” it's also Heston's only horror movie. If Chuck didn't show much aptitude for the horror genre, neither did director Mike Newell, who has never dipped into spooky stuff since either. Which might be for the best. [5/10]

Nightmares and Dreamscapes: Autopsy Room Four

The episode of “Nightmares and Dreamscapes” – the short-lived Stephen King anthology from 2006 – that I watched last year wasn't half-bad, so here's another one. “Autopsy Room Four” begins with Howard Cottrell, Wall Street tycoon, awakening in a body bag. Even though he's taken to the morgue, he can still feel everything and still has thoughts in his heads. As the physicians prepare to perform an autopsy on Howard, he recalls the events that led him to this point. He was playing golf with some friends and was bitten by a snake, falling into a death-like paralysis. The doctors get ready to cut him open and Howard's thoughts race, trying to figure out some sort of way to tell them he's still alive.

“Autopsy Room Four” has a terrifying premise. I'm not the only person who has had nightmares about waking up dead. Yet, like the “Everything's Eventual” story that spawn it, the episode is weirdly light-hearted. The banter of the physicians is humorous, debating whether the “corpse” will wear boxers or briefs. There's an absurd quality to Howard's running commentary, as he mentally snaps at the doctors' callousness. The way Howard eventually reveals that he's alive is obviously comical as well. Richard Thomas' lead performance is okay, though the character is saddled with an unlikable personality. Cinematographer-turned-director Mikael Salomon – who, aside from disaster flick “Hard Rain,” has mostly done TV – provides largely melodramatic visuals, including some tacky slow-mo. Which also undermines the potential thrills. 

The big problem with this premise is that it would be great for a ten minute short film. Even at forty minutes, this one is stretched thin. The repeated delays in performing Howard's autopsy eventually get silly. Anytime the episode cuts away from Howard's mental-space, it feels like cheating. Yet there's not much story otherwise, so flashbacks have to be included. It's in those flashbacks, that we get extremely awkward exposition explaining Howard's job, his background as a war vet, and his apparent impotence. To further pad out the story, there's a subplot involving a romance between the two doctors. Eventually, the snake that paralyzed Howard makes it into the hospital, further removing us from the episode's primary conflict. Though it's a great idea, “Autopsy Room Four” ultimately can't sustain itself even for a  TV episode. [5/10]

Still Life (2005)

Here’s another short recommended to me by the Dissolve. “Still Life” concerns a young man on a long car ride. He’s obviously been driving a while because his eyelids are starting to droop. He chugs coffee and pops caffeine pills to stay awake. While driving through a snowy small town, almost out of gas, he hits something. Upon closer examination, he discover he struck a mannequin. He discovers the entire town is occupied with mannequins. While they seem still enough when he looks at them, the mannequins move when his back is turned. And they are pretty pissed off at him. 

“Still Life” comes to us from Canadian filmmaker Jon Knautz, who would go onto make “Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer” and “GirlHouse.” Even though “Still Life” only survives as a 240p YouTube video, it still shows that Knautz has some chops. The inherent creepiness of mannequins is well utilized here. Their unmoving but judgmental gazes always stare at the protagonist. The sound design for “Still Life” is excellent, the scuffling mannequin feet always being heard, rather than seen. A musical score, largely composed of quivering strings, effectively keeps the tension building. Though we know nothing about the guy, “Still Life” still has us relating to someone strictly because they’ve stumbled into a nightmarish scenario... Which is somewhat undermined by a twist ending, which is fairly obvious in retrospect. Still, for most of its run time, this is a delightfully creepy taste of horror. [7/10]

Director Report Card: Sam Peckinpah (1965)

3. Major Dundee

He was only two films into his career but Sam Peckinpah already had a reputation as difficult. On his first two films, he feuded with the producers and the stars. None of these kerfuffle would compare to the disastrous production of “Major Dundee.” Charlton Heston, impressed with “Ride the High Country,” brought Peckinpah on to direct. Supposedly, Sam frequently showed up drunk and treated the crew poorly, infuriating Heston. Heston became so angry at Peckinpah, he threatened him with a cavalry saber. The budget was slashed before filming began, causing Peckinpah to go over-schedule. When it was demanded the film be finished quickly, Peckinpah basically gave up. Heston directed the remaining days. Following a disappointing test screening, the resulting film was re-cut and re-scored against the director's wishes. In 2005, the Peckinpah's original vision of “Major Dundee” was restored and released on DVD.

The Civil War rages on. Major Amos Dundee of the Union army, following a mistake at the Battle of Gettysburg, has been sent to head a prisoner-of-war near New Mexico. Along the way, he discovers a group of ranchers and a cavalry unit that were massacred by an Apache war party. Dundee decides to pursue the Apache chief responsible. He recruits prisoners, Confederate soldiers, from the jail to help him on this mission. Captain Ben Tyreen, a Irishman who joined the Confederacy, is among the men recruited. The two factions argue and fight as they head on their mission, Dundee leading them to Mexico and certain doom.

Reoccurring themes continue to emerge across Peckinpah's early movies. Following “The Deadly Companions” and “Ride the High Country,” “Major Dundee” is another Peckinpah movie about men on a mission. As with both of those movies, their straight-forward quest is quickly complicated. Distrust and betrayal simmers between the men as they travel towards their destination. The movie even features another woman being misused by the men around her, as another example of how harsh the world can be. Peckinpah would more-or-less disown “Major Dundee” but he still rewrote the script, which is likely why his themes continue to reappear.

Another big difference between “Major Dundee” and Peckinpah's first two movies is the reasoning behind the conflict in the group. “Major Dundee” is loosely based on fact, inspired by an incident were Confederate prisoners-of-war were recruited by Union forces to fight Indians. In real life, despite being at war, the different sect of soldiers work together fine. In the film, there is conflict between the Yankees and rebels immediately. Dundee is reluctant to use them, threatening their lives frequently. As they march to battle, the Rebs sing “Dixie” while the Yanks sing “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” This characterizes the conflict in a historical light. The eventual resolution, the soldiers fighting together despite their differences, definitely has some sort of significance.

But “Major Dundee” is not really a story about men learning to work together. Instead, it's a tale of a man on an obsessive mission of self-destruction. Both during production and in the years since, the film has been compared to “Moby-Dick.” Amos Dundee is a Captain Ahab-like figure. Both pursue their goal until it destroys them. The motivation is very different. Ahab is driven by revenge. Dundee is driven more by pride, by a need to prove his worth. The story eventually reaches the point where Dundee's original goal is all but forgotten, the leader marching his men towards death entirely because of mistakes he's made. In this light, “Major Dundee” reads as another Peckinpah story about the fragility of the masculine ego bringing death and pain down on everyone around him.

Apparently, the original screenplay for “Major Dundee” was more of a straight-forward adventure story. One of the few things Charlton Heston and Sam Peckinpah agreed on was the need to make “Major Dundee” more of a character study. Heston subverts his status as a heroic matinee idol to play the deeply unglamorous Dundee. He begins as a hard and ornery man, focused solely on his goal and pissing off everyone around him. Soon, his obsessive desire for glory becomes dangerous, leading more and more of his men towards death. Before the end, Dundee even collapses into an alcoholic stupor, forgetting his mission amidst the drink and women of a Mexican village. Heston certainly makes the most of his chance to play such an unrepentant asshole, creating a fully formed portrait of a man who constantly makes the worst decisions possible.

The historical setting of “Major Dundee” casts the typical western troupes in a more interesting light. Among Dundee’s soldiers are several black men. The Confederate soldiers treat the black men badly, as you’d expect, but Dundee isn’t much better. When they ask to join his march, he only allows it reluctantly, showing a clear disdain for the man. Other racial minorities are treated in a way that shows the prejudice of the time. At first, Dundee is similarly dismissive of the Mexicans before being accepted into their community. As for the Apaches, there are two Indian trackers that work with Dundee. Despite them showing their loyalty to Dundee repeatedly, even dying to help him, he and the other men still regard them suspiciously. “Major Dundee” isn’t quite a western that sets out to deconstruct the western setting but it goes further to show the casual racism and bigotry of the time than most.

“Major Dundee” is obviously a deeply inglorious story, about a hard and foolish man courting death for prideful reasons. Despite Dundee obviously being intended as an unlikable protagonist, the film still feels the need to give him a romantic subplot. While in the Mexican village, he meets Teresa Santiago, the widow of a killed surgeon. He’s obviously attracted to her and attempts to form a relationship. They even have a romantic date by a scenic lake. Eventually, he screws up the relationship by drunkenly sleeping with a Mexican servant girl. This subplot ends up contributing very little to the story, causing the film to drag quite a bit in its second half, despite the best efforts of the more than capable Senta Bergan.

Co-lead with Heston is Richard Harrison as Benjamin Tyreen, the Confederate captain that is dragged along on this journey. At first, Harrison’s Tyreen is deeply resentful of Dundee and resist his mission at every turn. As the story evolves, we learn that the Confederate soldier is more reasonable than his Union commander. Tyreen is the one ultimately responsible for dragging Dundee out of his drunken stupor. There’s definitely a subversion of historical perception here, by making the Confederate soldier the more reasonable of the two. What point the film is exactly making there, other than just working to make Dundee seem more unhinged, is murkier. Either way, Richard Harrison is very good in the part, charming and roguish as the world falls down around him.

The film has a large cast and most of the supporting characters don't get much of a chance to define themselves. Recognizable faces crop up in small roles. Slim Pickens appears as a drunken mule packer in just a few scenes. R.G. Armstrong has a memorable part as a minister who joins up with the cause. Warren Oates and L.Q. Jones appear as brothers in the Confederate army. It's nice to see these guys but they aren't given much to do. The rest of the supporting cast is harder to grade. James Coburn is quite good as Samuel, the one-armed Indian half-breed that assists Dundee in several scenes. Jim Hutton has an odd role as the film's comic relief, a bumbling artilleryman that is scorned by Dundee several times.

Supposedly, at one point, the script for “Major Dundee” was more explicit than what could have ended up on screen, with stronger violence and profanity. The film we ended up with was still probably more violent than most westerns made at the time. As Dundee and his company overlook the aftermath of the Apache massacre, we see multiple bodies covered with arrows. Including a dead child, the second such sight to appear in a Peckinpah film. Bodies are strug upside down, the implication being they were tortured before dying. In the later scenes, we see a river turned red with blood. Peckinpah was edging ever closer to making the kinds of bloodbaths he would soon be famous for.

“Major Dundee” is not as sturdily directed as Peckinpah's last two features. The film contains the same contrast between the intimate and the epic that characterized Peckinpah's films up to this point. The scenes of Dundee in his office, interviewing potential canidates for his march feel almost like stage plays. The battle scenes, meanwhile, play out in wide cinematic vistas. However, there are a few shots that are downright shaken, when violence brings out at a fort or on the battlefield. Considering Peckinpah didn't even finish directing the movie, ti's hard to say if he's responsible for these moments.

As I said, Peckinpah would essentially have “Major Dundee” taken away from him. The version that premiered in theaters in 1965 ran 123 minutes – a half-hour shorter than the director's cut – and would be poorly received by both critics and audiences. For years, rumors circulated that Peckinpah's version was a masterpiece, badly handled by a handsy studio. In 2005, most of the missing footage was found and an extended cut – running 136 minutes – was assembled. Considering Sam had been dead for 21 years at the time, it's likely the closest we'll ever get to his original vision. Even in this form, “Major Dundee” is a shaggy film. The cast is strong and the concept is interesting but, in execution, it's an aimless and unpleasant watch. The film is most important for featuring the embryonic forms of ideas the director would explore more freely on his next feature. [Grade: C]

DISASTER MOVIES MONTH: Gray Lady Down (1978)

As the seventies inched towards their close, it really did seem every possible mode of transportation had been transformed into a disaster movie. Calamity had struck travelers on land, over sea, and in the air. But a vehicle that travels under the water was one we hadn't seen yet. Submarines are exciting locations and it certainly seems like things could go wrong with them easily. So “Gray Lady Down,” based on the novel “Event 1000” by David Lavallee, would roll in front of cameras. The film was yet another disaster flick produced by Universal Studios and starring Charlton Heston. However, it's an idiosyncratic example of the genre, breaking or ignoring many of the troupes and rules you associate with films of this type.

Deep below the waves, the crew of the U.S.S. Neptune, an American submarine, go about their duties. Captain Paul Blanchard will be retiring after this journey but is reluctant to leave his crew behind. In the early morning hours, the sub is struck by a Norwegian freighter. The damaged submarine sinks 242 fathoms down, coming to rest precariously on a ledge over an ocean abyss. The crew is stuck on the edge of doom. The Navy prepares a risky rescue mission, sending a small submersible piloted by Captain Gates, but it won't be easy.

As far as seventies disaster movies go, “Gray Lady Down” is fairly restrained and realistic. There aren't too many explosions, save for the initial collision between the sub and the boat. There's almost zero melodrama, as the soldiers and sailors all work together without too much conflict. The cast is fairly contained, focusing only on two tight group of characters. Though the story's events are certainly extraordinary, they are not improbable at all. There's a lot of silent scenes, as people grimly attempt delicate procedures. The realistic approach to the material creates a measured, almost reticent film. “Gray Lady Down” is suspenseful but in a terse, quiet way.

Since “Gray Lady Down” is more focused on suspense and destruction, there's very little of the spectacle the disaster genre usually gives us. When the Neptune is struck, we see the submarine's interior spin. The crew is tossed back and forth. Water bursts into certain areas. As the Neptune slides along the cliff, we get other moments of disorientation, even an explosion or two. There's a surprising scene where a chamber fills with water, leading to a heroic sacrifice. However, this is not where the film's interest primarily lies. The focus is mostly on how dangerous the situation is. A porthole, slowly breaking apart under the titanic pressure, is a constant source of concern. The smaller submersible looking for the ship and attempting to rescue those inside is also decent source of suspense.

A positive element of "Gray Lady Down" is the camaraderie between the men in the sub. The scenes of the guys trying to pass the time are interesting. Some panic under the stress, others are more serene. They even watch “Jaws” on a projector at one point. A good cast backs this up. Heston is even more grave than usual, sporting a sea captain beard and frequently steering grimly into the distance. David Carradine gives a very solid performance as the pilot of the smaller sub, appearing serious but with some attitude. Ned Beatty, following his appearance in “The Big Bust,” is Carradine's somewhat goofy sidekick. Stacy Keach and Ronny Cox also have decent supporting roles, as the man in charge of the rescue mission and an especially nervous crewman. (Sadly, Cox and Beatty have no scenes together, preventing a proper “Deliverance” reunion.) Christopher Reeves is highly touted on the DVD case, despite only appearing in a few scenes, as Keach's assistant.

Much like “The Cassandra Crossing,” “Gray Lady Down” knows it has to give the audience a big disaster. This obligation, however, runs counter to the story's tension. The conflicting goals result in a downbeat ending. Then again, that matches up with “Gray Lady Down's” more grounded approach to the material. Instead of getting a big, crowd-pleasing, special effects movie, it's a slow and suspenseful voyage into the deep. The film almost acts as a deconstruction of the disaster genre for those reasons. It's an interesting watch, though not nearly as satisfying as the films that came out around it. [7/10]

[THE DISASTER MOVIE CHECKLIST: 4 outta 10]
[] Awards Bait Ballad
[] Corrupt or Incompetent Authority Figures
[] Destruction of Famous Landmarks
[X] Grim Predictions
[] Group In-Fighting
[X] Heroic Sacrifices
[X] Massive Collateral Damage or Explosions
[] Pets or Kids are Imperiled but Survive
[] Romantic Couple Resolves Problems
[X] Star-Studded Cast

 

DISASTER MOVIES MONTH: Earthquake (1974)

Earthquake movies have been around for a long time. As far as natural calamities go, there are few more dramatic than the Earth around us shaking out of control. Considering the American film industry is centered in a pretty active seismic area, it makes sense that they are a common cinematic topic. Hollywood has been making movies about earthquakes since at least 1913, when “When the Earth Trembled” came out. So it's no surprise that, during the disaster movie fad of the seventies, one of the biggest films of the movement was about just that. Simply entitled “Earthquake,” it was a superstar production, with Oscar nomineee Mark Robson as director and “Godfather” scribe Mario Puzo as co-writer. It was another huge hit, becoming the fifth highest grossing film of the year.

A small tremor shakes through Los Angeles. The city's citizens – including a former football pro, his drunkard wife, his mistress, her son, a motorcycle stunt performer, and a grouchy cop – are startled but think nothing of it. This, however, is just the precursor to a much bigger quake. The people's normal lives are torn apart when a massive 9.9 earthquake brings the city to its knees. Entire buildings are demolished. Huge cracks open in the ground. Fires and explosions break out. Debris rains everywhere. In the aftermath, chaos breaks out. These divergent characters are going to have to learn to work together if they hope to survive.

“Airport” or “The Poseidon Adventure” may have had their funny moments but they were mostly serious affairs. Any camp was unintentional, post-modern results of changing cultural sensibilities. “Earthquake,” however, rather knowingly has its tongue-in-cheek. The film is full of silly stuff. Walter Matthau, credited under a ridiculous pseudonym, appears as a bar room drunk. During the entire quake, he sits still. It's only after the quake is finished that he falls down. In one scene, George Kennedy is shown a busty woman in a tight t-shirt, which lulls him into a dazed, almost hypnotic state. Many of the characters are exaggerated and goofy. This even extends to the disaster scenes. People getting crushed in a falling elevator is horrible. Cartoon blood shooting at the screen afterwards is funny as hell.

Despite being a partially farcical affair, “Earthquake's” scenes of destruction and mayhem are often startling. There's a real sense of panic to the scenes of people fleeing buildings as the structures fall down around them. The images of skyscrapers, smoking and shaken to pieces, is surprisingly strong. When gas leak causes a succession of homes to explode, the rest of the sound mix cuts out, making the audience feel the impact. There's undeniable spectacle to the scenes of destruction but also a fierceness, a sense of shock and horror. The film was presented in theaters with SenSurround, a powerful sound system that would make the moviegoers' chairs shake during the earthquake scenes. While you can't get the same experience at home, some good sub-woofers give you an idea of what audiences felt.

“Earthquake” shares two cast members with the same years's “Airport 1975,” which is surely not a coincidence. Charlton Heston and George Kennedy play very different characters though. Heston's Stewart is introduced having an argument with his wife about his infidelity, coming off like a real asshole. Turns out, Stewart gets something of a redemption arc, the disaster bringing out the best of him. Heston has just enough chemistry with Genevieve Bujold, as the young actress he's courting. Kennedy plays Lou Slade, a cop more concerned with principals than the exact rule of the law. Kennedy grouses and hams it up to great effect. Richard Roundtree is highly amusing as the stunt performer, constantly referencing his one-sided rivalry with Eval Knieval. Ava Gardner (as Heston's wife) and Lorne Green (as her dad) also show up.

With its campy comedy and scenes of massive destruction, the first half of “Earthquake” is pretty damn entertaining. The film's mid-point is devoted to a suspenseful sequence devoted to lowering people out of a crumbling tower. After that, “Earthquake” slows down quite a bit. The Mulholland Dam threatens to crack up, a slow turn of events that isn't as visceral a threat. A lot of attention is paid towards the film's villain. Played by preacher-turned-actor Marjoe Gortner, he's a supermarket bag boy/National Guard member who's obsessed with bodybuilding and military history. Following the quake, he immediately begins to abuse his power. Despite being coded as a deprived homosexual, he nearly assaults Victoria Principals. Gortner goes way over the top and the entire subplot is in questionable taste.

Despite some serious flaws, “Earthquake” is still a highly entertaining movie. Campy laughs and grim violence probably shouldn't mix well but, for some reason, the two flavors taste great together here. The film would spawn two interesting spin-offs. In 1976, the film was shown on TV as a two-part mini-series, an hour of extra footage added to its runtime. “Earthquake” would also inspire one of the most iconic rides at Universal Studios' Orlando theme park. By 1970s standards, it was certainly the ultimate earthquake movie. By modern standards, it's still a fun way to waste two hours. And, hey it has a beautiful John Williams score too. [7/10]

[THE DISASTER MOVIE CHECKLIST: 9 outta 10]
[] Awards Bait Ballad
[X] Corrupt or Incompetent Authority Figures
[X] Destruction of Famous Landmarks
[X] Grim Predictions
[X] Group In-Fighting
[X] Heroic Sacrifices
[X] Massive Collateral Damage or Explosions
[X] Pets or Kids are Imperiled but Survive
[X] Romantic Couple Resolves Problems
[X] Star-Studded Cast

DISASTER MOVIES MONTH: Airport 1975 (1974)

Despite being the enormous blockbusters of their day, the seventies disaster movie trend spawned very few sequels. I guess the same sort of massive catastrophe striking the same group of characters a second time was too much of a stretch, even for Hollywood. But there was one major exception. “Airport” was a big hit for Universal Studios and they were clearly eager to capitalize on that. I guess the idea of airline emergencies (and George Kennedy showing up each time) was general enough that audiences weren't too put off. “Airport 1975,” confusingly released in 1974, would be the first of three separate sequels to the prototypical seventies disaster movie. In many ways, it's the most iconic of the series and would largely define the franchise in the public's mind.

It all begins as a normal flight. A Boeing 747 leaves Dulles International Airport for L.A. There's plenty of drama aboard the plane. Chief-stewardess Nancy is considering ending her relationship with Captain Alan Murdoch, who is only interested in sex. A young girl, awaiting a life-saving kidney transplant, is aboard the plane. So is movie star Gloria Swanson, currently dictating her autobiography. Nobody is aware that a small personal aircraft is flying the same way. After foggy conditions roll in, an emergency landing is ordered. That's when the pilot of the smaller aircraft suffers a heart attack. The plane collides with the passenger jet, killing two of the three pilots. It's up to Captain Murdoch and Joe Patroni to make sure the plane can safely make it to its destination before it's too late.

“Airport 1975” is, if nothing else, a noticeable improvement over the first “Airport.” Though still pretty slow by modern standards, it doesn't have quite the glacial pace the first one did. Cutting the run time down to an hour and forty-seven minutes, as opposed to over two hours, helps with that. We're in the air a little faster. As opposed to a threat that is briefly referenced a few times before exploding in the back of the plane, there's a huge hole in the vehicle for almost the whole movie. The action, where people are sucked out or fall to their deaths from the plane, is a little bigger. There's still not quite enough plot for a movie this big, as things drag a little in the middle. However, this “Airport” feels more like a screaming jumbo-jet, instead of a stalling bi-plane.

The lead characters are a little more likable too. There's still a romance between a captain and a stewardess that is hitting a bumpy stretch. At least nobody is cheating on their wife this time. Helping factors are the actor's cast. Charlton Heston was the matinee king of the late 60s/70s for a reason. The leathery god has charisma to spare. Heston's ability to make the most mundane activities captivating is helpful, since Murdoch spends most of the movie talking into a radio. Karen Black plays Nancy. While the slightly sexist script leaves Nancy dependent on the men around her, Black brings a grounded, likable vulnerability to the part. Letting George Kennedy graduate from supporting role to secondary protagonist was wise. Kennedy's gruffness is endearing in a crotchety old man sort of way.

The wacky supporting players were a highlight of the first “Airport.” The filmmakers clearly understood this, as the sequel's entire supporting cast is made up of colorful characters. The number of eccentric old ladies played by Hollywood icons is upped to two: Myrna Loy plays a blissful alcoholic and Gloria Swanson appears as a slightly exaggerated version of herself.  The movie is stacked with television and comedy icons. Sid Caesar, Jerry Stiller, and Mr. Roper appear as a trio of old friends. (Stiller gets one of the film's best gags.) Larry Storch is amusing as Loy's chatty seat neighbor. Erik Estrada and Sharon Gless have bit parts. The most ridiculous, and therefore most entertaining, subplot involves Helen Reddy's singing nun and Linda Blair's sickly young girl. And in a probably unintentional in-joke, “Zero Hour!'s” Dana Andrews appears as the elderly pilot who dies behind the controls, kicking off this whole mess.

While the first “Airport” was a pretty dull affair all the way through, the 1975 edition actually manages to generate some actual tension in its last act. A daring rescue by a parachutist on a zip-line is attempted, which ends up going wrong in a nicely unexpected way. That's probably the movie's biggest stunt and, save for some shifty special effects, it's convincing. Even after the passenger jet reaches the L.A. Airport, the crisis isn't quite over. The climax involves the jet's inability to come to a sturdy landing. It's a nice note to take us out on and makes the film's happy ending feel earned.

Unsurprisingly, “Airport 1975” was poorly reviewed by critics. Unlike the first film, it would receive no Oscars, not even a nomination. The film would pop up in two separate books about the worst movies ever made. (To the authors of those book, I suggest you see more movies.) It would also provide plenty of grist for “Airplane!” However, audiences still enjoyed it and made it the seventh highest grossing film of the year. Not quite ridiculous enough to be an object of camp devotion, “Airport 1975” is still a reliably entertaining popcorn muncher with a fun cast and one or two suspenseful moments. [7/10]

[THE DISASTER MOVIE CHECKLIST: 6 outta 10]
[X] Awards Bait Ballad
[] Corrupt or Incompetent Authority Figures
[] Destruction of Famous Landmarks
[] Grim Predictions
[X] Group In-Fighting
[X] Heroic Sacrifices
[] Massive Collateral Damage or Explosions
[X] Pets or Kids are Imperiled but Survive
[X] Romantic Couple Resolves Problems
[X] Star-Studded Cast

RECENT WATCHES: Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970)

Ambitious science fiction series were not as common in 1970 as they are now. Yet Fox was clearly understood that they had something special with “Planet of the Apes.” Following the first film's success, a sequel was immediately greenlit. Production on “Beneath the Planet of the Apes” was not exactly smooth. Original scripts by Pierre Boulle and Rod Serling were rejected. The budget was slashed to three million. Charlton Heston was disinterested in returning. Despite these issues, the film would still be a success upon release. Looking back on it now, “Beneath” shows the “Apes” series displaying some growing pains during its sophomore effort.

After uncovering the beached Statue of Liberty at the end of the last film, Taylor and Nova ventured further into the Forbidden Zone. After being assaulted by strange visions, Taylor disappears. Another Earthly astronaut, named Brent, follows Taylor to the future planet of apes. He meets Nova, Zira and Cornelius. He also witnesses a gorilla general, named Ursus, convince the ape politicians to launch a military raid into the Forbidden Zone. Brent and Nova, still on Taylor's trail, head into the abandoned area. What they uncover is a bizarre subterranean society and a threat that may mean the true end of the world.

Sequelizing “Planet of the Apes” was probably not an easy task, as the original's ending was fairly definitive. “Beneath” gets around this problem but essentially retreading the first film's story during its beginning half. We have a suspiciously similar substitute for Charlton Heston's Taylor arriving on the planet. He experiences many of the same events, such as journeying through a seemingly barren world, being shocked by the ape society, and getting help from Zira and Cornelius. This not only bores the audience, it slightly insults their intelligence. Brent following Taylor's footsteps exactly, ending up in the same future Earth as him, pushes suspension of disbelief past its breaking point. Combined with some maudlin action scenes, such as an uninspiring fight scene on a carriage, and you get the impression that “Beneath the Planet of the Apes” is nothing but a quickie sequel.

And then the movie takes a charmingly nuts turn. Brent and Nova journey deep into the Forbidden Zone, uncovering the submerged, blasted remains of New York City. They also discover a race of telepathic, scorched skinned, quasi-human mutants. If that wasn't weird enough, the mutants worship a doomsday bomb, with a religious awe bordering on the Pentecostal. These scenes contain some delightfully nutty moments. Like Brent being commanded to kill Nova, fight with Taylor, or overwhelmed with telepathic communications. The image of a church full of skinless weirdos praising a world-killing bomb is unforgettably bizarre. You do feel a bit like you wondered into a totally different film but I can't help but love weird shit like this.

Another problem facing a “Planet of the Apes” sequel is making it mean something, the same way the original's satire and commentary meant something. Director Ted Post – previously of “Hang 'Em High” and later of “Magnum Force” and “The Baby” – decides on an anti-war message. The ape's warmongering is their undoing. They marched into the Forbidden Zone, destroying everything around them with little care for the consequences. In a none-too-subtle reference to Vietnam War protest, they also imprison some hippy ape youths. Yet the film's anti-war message eventually degrades into an ugly nihilism. The apes gun down everyone in ways that push the limits of the PG rating. The mutants die, Brent dies, Taylor dies, even innocent Nova dies. Taylor activates the super-bomb with his dying breath, deciding none of this life is worth living. The sudden conclusion, and curt narration that tops it off, strikes the viewer as careless and sloppy.

Another problem with “Beneath the Planet of the Apes” is how it diminishes the first film's cast. Zira and Cornelius disappear halfway through the film, not appearing again after helping Brent escape. An attempt is made to maintain Dr. Zaius' complexity but he's ultimately too willing to go along with General Ursus' mindless destruction. Ursus, at the very least, is a good villain. James Gregory's hawkish speeches are delivered with a gravelly conviction. He's certainly a lot better than James Franciscus as Brent. Franciscus is a poor imitation of Heston, unconvincing as an action star and generally kind of whiny. You're probably expecting me to complain about David Watson replacing Rodney McDowell as Cornelius. Watson doesn't share the same chemistry with Kim Hunter. It is odd hearing someone else's voice come out of Cornelius' mouth, considering how associated with the series McDowell would become. Otherwise, Watson does okay. Truthfully, the character's role is so small that you'll hardly notice another actor is playing him.

Perhaps the producers of the “Apes” series would quickly realize they couldn't so closely imitate the first film after this. The sequels would head off in a very different direction. Even with its routine set-up, overly downbeat ending, and weaker leading man, I ultimately can't dislike “Beneath the Planet of the Apes.” Those bomb-worshiping mutants, man. Who thinks of that stuff? The sequel probably needed more wildly imaginative elements like that but still provided me with enough entertainment value. It's one of the weaker entries in the series but I can still dig it. [7/10]

RECENT WATCHES: Planet of the Apes (1968)

It began with a book. Pierre Boulle's novel, known in some parts of the world as “Monkey Planet,” immediately caught the eye of Arthur P. Jacobs, a producer at 20th Century Fox. The adaptation, entitled “Planet of the Apes,” would become a huge success. The film would spawn a series that would, in many ways, be the predecessors to many modern day sci-fi franchises. It was one of the first on-going genre film series to be made with A-budgets and to be heavily merchandised, now standard practices. Nowadays, the original “Planet of the Apes” is an iconic classic, referenced and parodied countless times over the decades.

As an adaptation, “Planet of the Apes” follows the general outline of Boulle's short novel while changing most of the details. In both, the crew crash-land on a strange planet, loose their clothes while swimming in a lake, encounter primitive humans, and eventually get hunted by upright apes. In both, the protagonist impresses a pair of chimp scientists with his speech and bonds with a female human named Nova. As for the differences, Boulle's French astronauts become American, of course. In the book, the ape civilization is as advanced as modern man, with cars, planes and television. This is in stark contrast to the film's more primitive society. Boulle uses the premise for social satire, while the film focuses on rousing adventure. The twist ending is entirely different though clearly inspired by the book's switcharoo conclusion.

I think the reason “Planet of the Apes” most captured the public's imagination is the way it transports the audience to another world. The production and special make-up were groundbreaking at the time. Even today, the ape make-up is charming, expressive, and fantastically assembled. More importantly, the ape society strikes the viewer as fully formed. The apes have their own religion, entertainments, and political divides, just like people. The scientific chimps bristle against the leadership of the orangutans, all of them conservative politicians, while gorillas function as a working class, soldiers and blue collar individuals. The world of the apes works as both an absurdist parody of human civilization, mirroring and subverting our Earth, and a strange sci-fi world that was completely new in 1968.

That satirical element, taken from the original book, is sometimes married to a goofier sense of humor. Images of humans being purged by ape hunters, their dead bodies strung up like freshly killed deer, the hunters posing with their kills, place us in a chilling world where humans are prey and animals rule. A mid-film trial, devoted to determining if the intelligent human has any relation to the resident apes, is obviously a darkly humorous twist on the Scopes trial. There's even an ape hippy, as Zira's teenage nephew is part of a youthful rebellion the includes vegetarianism and questioning authority. Yet, sometimes, “Planet of the Apes” is happy to admit that monkeys are just funny. Such as the simian hoots of the ape guard that sprays Heston with a hose. Or the orangutan politicians imitating the “See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil” image.

Though he'd probably prefer to be remembered for “Ben Hur” or “The Ten Commandments,” “Planet of the Apes” remains the most iconic role of Charlton Heston's great career. Heston's histrionic performance here has largely overshadowed any other acting he's ever done. Of course, Heston's sweaty, shouting, gnarled Tyler is perfect for a slightly over-sized film like this. (And, it must be said, that Heston's quieter moments are equally effecting.) Overall, the cast is entirely iconic. Kim Hunter's Zira is loyal, charming, and unforgettable. Roddy McDowell's Cornelius is funny, thoughtful, and immediately likable. Maurice Evans' Dr. Zaius is an impressive anti-villain, duplicitous and self-interested but for understandable reasons.

“Planet of the Apes” was Franklin J. Schaffner's fifth film. It was also his breakout film, as his first four features have been mostly forgotten while, afterwards, he made popular hits like “Patton,” “Papillon,” and “The Boys from Brazil.” Schaffner's direction is colorful and energetic. He frequently employs a roaming camera or spastic zooms to create a sense of motion and shock. The reveal of the apes' faces or the spaceship crash are oddly kinetic, in a herky-jerky way. The action sequences, like Taylor being chased through the ape village, build upon this movement. I also like the use of color during a scene where Taylor and Zaius talk in his office, bathed in warm oranges and evening purples.

If you're going to talk about “Planet of the Apes,” you have to talk about that ending. The twist ending famously came from the pen of Rod Serling, even if most of his draft was rejected. In retrospect, the conclusion that the Planet of the Apes was Earth all along is hardly surprising. The film foreshadows this fact repeatedly, eventually confirming that an advanced human society existed on the planet before apes. Yet the conclusion means something more. It makes the film's earlier satire more bitter. At the film's beginning, Taylor is practically a misanthrope. His interaction with Nova and the apes seems to convince him that humanity must not be so bad... Until he sees the Statue of Liberty on the beach, confirming his belief that mankind is destined to destroy itself.

Nearly fifty years later, “Planet of the Apes” is still a delightfully entertaining film. It's a brisk adventure, full of lovable characters and fascinating details. It's also still has the ability to provoke thought, it's apocalyptic ending still packing a punch even if you know its coming. Even if it hadn't launched a franchise, it's likely the movie would've been remained a classic. I admire its qualities as an eccentric cult classic, intriguing sci-fi, a fantastic piece of design work, and exciting adventure film. [9/10]

JCVD-A-THON: The Order (2001)

By 2001, Jean-Claude Van Damme teaming up with Nu Image / Millennium Films only made too much sense. These days, Nu Image has gone semi-legit by producing the “Expendables” and “Olympus Has Fallen” franchises. In the nineties and early naughties, they were best known for low budget action and horror schlock. We're talking the likes of “Crocodile” and “Cyborg Cop.” Sadly, this was exactly the level Van Damme was operating on at the time. He would star in five films for Nu Image. Among these, “The Order” would re-pair Van Damme with his “Lionheart” and “Double Impact” director, Sheldon Lettich. Jean-Claude would also work on the script. The result is a fitfully amusing action/adventure flick with a somewhat schizoid tone.

Many years ago, a disenchanted Templar Knight started a mysterious new religious sect in the Middle East, known as the Order. Despite the last part of their religious text disappearing, the cult survives into the present day. The knight's modern day descendant is Ruby Cafmeyer, a thief who steals ancient artifacts for his archaeologist dad. Their latest discovery is the reminder of the knight's writings, which also includes a map to a treasure-filled temple under Jerusalem. While in the holy city, Ruby comes into conflict with the fanatical current day leader of the cult, who kidnap his dad, and plan on triggering a holy war by setting off a bomb in the hidden temple.

It's not too hard to see that Van Damme co-wrote “The Order.” The film features the star's trademarks early and often. Within the first five minutes, the Muscle from Brussels is jump-kicking security guards, spinning around enemies, and performing roundhouse kicks. He dances both in the heat of combat and casually. He even does a mid-air split! Lettich seems to delight in putting Van Damme's trademark action in goofy situation. The opening has him wearing clownish face paint. He tussles in a fountain. The absolute highlight of the film is an extended chase/fight through the streets of Jerusalem. Throughout this scene, Van Damme is dressed like a Hasidic Jew, with a beard on his chin, black hat on his head, and payot curls framing his face. You haven't lived until you've seen Van Damme kicking ass while dressed as a rabbi!

Sadly, “The Order” doesn't maintain this tone of goofy nonsense throughout. Midway through, Ruby sneaks into the Order while wearing their white-and-red robes. (The Order's symbol, a stone cross in a circle, resembles the Klu Klux Klan emblem. Presumably, this was unintentional.) Afterwards, the film's excessively wacky atmosphere takes a more dour direction. The finale was clearly hoping to capture an “Indiana Jones” tone. Our hero, after all, is exploring a hidden temple laden with booby traps and treasure. By the time Van Damme is sword-fighting with the main baddy, most of the fun has been sucked out of “The Order.” The movie attempts to recapture this at the last minute, when Van Damme looses his shirt just for the hell of it. But it's too little, too late by that point.

“The Order” was pretty clearly a very cheap production. Really shitty CGI is utilized to depict explosions and a guy getting impaled on a wooden winch. Most of the film is set in nondescript city streets and generic temple sets. Sheldon Lettich's direction on “Lionheart” and “Double Impact” was solid, even atmospheric. Yet the editing here is weirdly incompetent. There's several car chases that are terribly assembled. A vehicle leaps into the air, smashing through a wall of water jugs, without hitting a ramp. Later, an airport chase scene features some roughly edited crashes and zooms. “The Order” looks kind of shitty in general, which I'm willing to blame on Nu Image/Millennium's rushed production schedule.

Jean-Claude Van Damme generally seems to be having fun in “The Order.” He is clearly embracing his comedic side in the film's early scenes. The entire production is full of balletic action scenes, allowing the star to kick and leap to his heart's content. What of the supporting cast? Charlton Heston is in the movie, which seems like it should be a big deal. But don't get too excited. He's only in a few scenes and is then abruptly killed off. Heston does his job but doesn't impress. Sofia Milos appears as the tough Israeli cop who bosses Van Damme around. The two don't share much romantic chemistry, which was clearly the intended goal. Brian Thompson, previously of “Cobra,” appears as the bad guy. Thompson barks stern dialogue while wearing a silly robe. He tries to ham it up but the part isn't even that interesting.

“The Order” is about what you'd expect from a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie made in 2001. It's cheaply made, shoddily directed, sloppily written, and features some B-list talent in the supporting cast. Having said that, the film does provide some pleasures for fans of the star. The fight scenes are solid and there's some delightfully kooky humor. I mean, any movie that has Van Damme doing a split-kick in mid-air while dressed in Jewish drag can't be totally worthless! But, all together, “The Order” isn't too memorable. [6/10]

[THE VAN DAMMAGE: 5 outta 5]
[X] An Entire Fight, Sans Shirt
[X] Close-Up Screaming
[X] Dancing
[X] Jump-Kicks A Guy, Through Something
[X] Performs Either a Split or a Spinning Roundhouse Kick

Director Report Card: James Cameron (1994)

6. True Lies

James Cameron’s last four films were landmark science-fiction movies. They were movies that helped define the genre over the next few years, either through their stories, characters, or special effects. After “Terminator 2” was a massive world-wide success, James Cameron probably could have made any movie he wanted. Instead, he made a movie as a favor to his best buddy, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold wanted to remake the French action/comedy “La Totale!,” a movie more-or-less forgotten outside of its connection to this film. When your leading man is the biggest star in the world, you listen to his ideas. “True Lies” was another massively expensive movie for Cameron and another huge hit for Arnold. It shows the star continuing to play with his image and the director lightening up a little.

Harry Tasker is a secret agent, working for the top secret Omega Sector. He jet-sets to exotic locations, killing terrorists, defusing international incidents, and saving the world. There’s just one problem: Harry’s wife doesn’t know about any of it. Helen Tasker thinks her husband is a humble computer salesman, an especially boring day job. Tasker’s latest mission is to hunt down a sect of Islamic terrorists who have gotten their hands on some nuclear bombs. That mission is slightly interrupted when Harry learns Helen may be cheating on him. She isn’t but the wife gets caught up in his adventure anyway.

As a scholar of all things Schwarzenegger, I divide his screen career up into roughly five acts. There’s the early days, when bit parts in “Stay Hungry” and “The Long Goodbye,” brought him to the public’s attention. This leads into the eighties golden age, when Arnold was the reigning king of action and starred in genuine masterpieces like “Commando” or “Conan the Barbarian.” As the nineties begin, we enter an experimental period, when Arnold started appearing in more comedies, stretching his acting chops and playing off his established image. It’s during this period that “True Lies” was made. (I won’t discuss his late nineties doldrums or his post-gubernatorial attempts to recapture the public’s love.) “True Lies” is an action movie but also a romantic/comedy, with the emphasis on the comedy. Yeah, Arnold kills lots of people in it. That comes second nature to him. It’s his chance to show off his excellent comedic chops and his ability to charm the ladies.

“True Lies” is also a spy movie. Not a real spy movie, where people are actually going undercover and gathering information. Instead, “True Lies” is playing off the James Bond image, where the spy blows up buildings, wears tuxes, machine guns baddies, and seduces sexy ladies. The movie was made a year before “GoldenEye” came out, when the Bond series was hibernating, showing what Ian Fleming’s creation might look like in the self-aware nineties. Since he had no chance of ever actually playing Bond, Harry Tasker is the closest we get to seeing Schwarzenegger as fiction's greatest spy. And he does a pretty good job. A big joke of “True Lies” is that the super spy is a devoted husband, so Arnold doesn’t sleep around any. This is fine since Schwarzenegger has never been a convincing romantic lead anyway. Instead, the movie allows him plenty of opportunities to show his considerable comedic abilities. Arnold is hilarious, not just quipping but also showing a keen comedic timing.

Starring opposite Arnold is Jaime Lee Curtis. The part of Helen Tasker allows Curtis’ to deploy all her best skills as an actor. Jaime Lee’s attempts to parlay her status as a beloved scream queen into an action heroine never met with much success. Instead, she spent most of the late eighties and early nineties starring in comedies. Curtis is very funny in “True Lies.” She has considerable skills as a physical comedian and has no problem looking a little silly for the sake of a laugh. However, the movie allows her to be tough too. After hanging out in her husband’s world of crazy action for a few hours, Helen Tasker is firing machine guns and getting into fist fights. Basically, she starts out as a suburban housewife and transforms into a woman in a James Cameron movies. Thus, Curtis is both a hilarious comedic lead and a capable action heroine.

In “The Abyss,” Cameron explored themes of marriage, divorce, and long-term love. These ideas carry over to “True Lies.” Harry and Helen have been married for fifteen years but their passion has dulled. Helen is actually considering cheating on Harry, the energy is so low. Of course, Harry has been lying to her for years. This, in a weird way, refers to the little white lies we have to tell our loved ones over time, in order for a marriage to survive. The title of “True Lies” refers to this as well, in a way. In an unexpected way, Harry and Helen rediscover their passion, keeping their love alive. Considering Cameron’s relationship with Linda Hamilton was dissolving and Schwarzenegger would start soon an affair with the family maid, it’s not difficult to read into “True Lies” as an appropriate statement about both men’s lives.

“True Lies” is very funny throughout. Some of the best jokes happen in the film’s middle section, between machine gun fights. Tasker hunts down the guy his wife may be cheating on him with… A scumbag played by Bill Paxton at his greasiest. In an ironic twist, Paxton’s Simon is pretending to be a spy in order to draw Helen in. Watching Arnold’s strained interaction with Paxton, barely repressing his desire to kill, makes for some good laughs. An even better moment comes when Tasker turns the tables on Simon. The man’s façade collapses immediately, as he’s admitting defeat and peeing his pants. Which is amazing. One of the silliest, most endearing gags in the movie comes when Curtis accidentally wipes out a whole room full of terrorists by dropping her gun. Or a last minute appearance from a seagull.

As an action movie, “True Lies” is spot-on too. Not long after it starts, Arnold is gunning down attackers. He manhandles a pair of dogs and slides down a snowy mountain while dual wielding pistols. An early high-light is an extended shoot-out in a public bathroom. Schwarzenegger disarms a group of terrorists, smashing their faces into walls and blowing them away. A good example of how the film balances humor and action occurs here, when an old man in a neighboring stall wonders what is going on. The sequence that follows is a laugh riot, as Tasker pursues the villain on horseback. The chase goes through the streets, into a hotel, up an elevator, and onto the roof. Amusingly, Arnie has to reprimand the horse when it disobeys him. All this stuff is great.

“True Lies” was well-liked in its day but one moment would become especially notorious. After taking Simon out of the plot, Harry sends Helen on a wild goose chase, pretending to bring her into his spying life. It’s all an excuse to sex up their relationship. And it works. Jaime Lee Curtis stripes down to her underwear and does a sexy dance across the bedroom. Well, it’s certainly a sexy moment. Curtis looks fantastic and seems fine with showing off. She even incorporates a little humor into the scene, when an attempted pole dance has her stumbling. Ah, but some people cried, is it sexist? “True Lies” does treat women in a somewhat reductive manner. Curtis is manipulated by the men in her life, when she isn’t stumbling around. The only other major female character is an evil bitch. Yet you can’t really call Curtis’ character arc sexist. She embraces her own sexuality, learns how to defend herself, and saves her marriage.

“True Lies” partakes freely of the conventions of nineties action movies. The action is over-the-top and stylized. Though far bloodier then modern action flicks, and still violent enough to earn an R-rating, there’s nothing mean-spirited about the blood shed in the film. Primarily, the movie’s comedic streak allows for a level of self-awareness. That’s the biggest difference between eighties action flicks and nineties action flicks. Eighties action was campy, goofy and ridiculous. Nineties action acknowledged that campiness and ridiculousness. Another convention the movie embraces, and a far more unsightly one, is casting Arabs as the villains. In the days before 9/11, it was fine for a light-hearted action/comedy like this to cast Islamic extremists as its villains. That threat was far-off, abstract, and poorly understood by Joe Movie-goer. “True Lies” was also accused of being slightly racist towards Middle Easterners. That accusation holds slightly more water then the shouts of sexism. There’s no positive portrayals of brown people in this movie. I’m not saying the filmmakers made an intentionally racist movie. I’m saying the film was heavily embroiled in the Hollywood conventions of the time.

After a long comedic middle section, “True Lies” gets back to the action. In action scenes likely influenced by John Woo, Arnold blazes a trail of destruction through the villain’s port-front lair. He swings Uzis and AK-47s around, gunning down whole hordes of terrorists. An especially inspired gag has him making an improvised flame-thrower, with a gas hose and some muzzle flash. The fantastic final act involves a chase between a car and a plane across the Seven Mile Bridge. Curtis and Tia Carrea wrestle in the car as it careens towards a shortened bridge, which is great. The scene is beautifully shot, ramps up some tension, and features some great big explosions.

Tasker rescues his wife. The two make out while a mushroom cloud goes off in the distance. That’s the end of the movie, right? “True Lies” instead includes a surprise fourth act. The Taskers’ daughter is suddenly, without much explanation, kidnapped by the lead bad guy. Harry leaps in a fighter jet, heads over the skyscraper where they’re at, and kills the hell out of the villains. Harry learning to fly the plane is great. The daughter and the bad guy climbing over the jet makes for some entertaining stunts. The whole thing concludes with a satisfyingly theatrics death for the villain and a cheesy Arnold one-liner. Yet it is odd that the movie would keep going like that, after it’s logical end point.

You know what else is odd? Tom Arnold is in “True Lies.” You know what’s odder? He’s funny! Before the rise of the reality TV pseudo-celebrity, Tom Arnold was always my choice for worst “actor” around. However, he plays off of Schwarzenegger well. He cultivates a lovable loser schtick that contrasts nicely with Harry’s happily married life. Also among the supporting cast is Tia Carrere as Juno Skinner, the femme fatale working with the villains. Carrere’s shockingly gorgeous in the part and gets to stretch pass the, indistinct girlfriend roles she usually played. Also notable is a very young Eliza Dushku as Arnold and Jaime Lee’s daughter. Amusingly, considering her future as a vampire slayer, Dushku was tough even as a little girl. She’s certainly believable as the daughter of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“True Lies” is utterly delightful from beginning to end. It’s light-weight, breezy, and massively entertaining throughout, packing in tons of laughs and action movie thrills. For a while, James Cameron and Arnold were serious about making a sequel, with a bigger role for Eliza Dushku following her growth spurt into an action heroine in her own right. Then September 11th happened and terrorism was nothing to joke about anymore. Though you still occasionally hear something about it, the time for “True Lies 2: Truer Lies” has passed. As a stand alone popcorn flick from the mid-nineties, “True Lies” may be one of the best. [Grade: A]