Christmas 2018: December 25th

The Nativity Story (2006)

The story of Christ, obviously, has inspired more art than any narrative in human history. While the Nativity play is an established part of Christmas tradition, there aren't as many film treatments of the birth of Christ. I suppose Jesus' life, crucifixion, and resurrection is more cinematic than his conception. Following the cultural phenomenon that was “Passion of the Christ,” studios realized hardcore Christians were a huge, untapped market. If an anti-Semite's Jesus torture movie could make 611 million dollars, surely a movie about Jesus' birth would make money too? New Line Cinema rolled out “The Nativity Story” in Christmas 2006, becoming the first film to premiere in Vatican City. Like most of the cynical attempts to replicate Mad Mel's success, “The Nativity Story” would see mediocre box office. But it's Christmas, so I decided to give the film a look.

“The Nativity Story” tells the story mostly as you know it, only occasionally adding new details or historical elements. King Herod is concerned by prophecies of a messiah, ordering the murder of newborn male children in Judea. A fourteen year old girl named Mary is betrothed to an adult man named Joseph. She receives a vision from an angel, saying she will become the mother to the messiah. She soon becomes pregnant afterwards, even though Joseph is forbidden from touching her for a year. After the Roman emperor decrees a census, everyone is ordered to return to their ancestral home. Joseph and Mary travel to Bethlehem. By the time they arrive, Mary goes into labor. They seek shelter in a stable, a miracle about to occur.

“The Nativity Story” feels like a sermon. It's self-important, melodramatic, and maudlin. Catherine Hardwicke directed, after “Thirteen” but before “Twilight.” The film has about the visual subtly you'd expect from that pedigree. Hardwicke frequently employs slow-motion and lens flares, all in attempt to make the film look at overblown as possible. As if you could ever miss the importance of these events, the musical score incorporates several Christmas carols and religious hymns. At the same time, there's no splendor or awe to this story of miracles. The whole thing has a flat, brown-and-gray look to it. This miracle, this foundation of a worldwide religion and the biggest cultural force in history, looks awfully boring.

The story of the Nativity is pretty straightforward and, subsequently, probably not enough to fill a feature film. Hardwicke and screenwriter Mike Rich's solution is to split this story in several different directions. While Mary and Joseph are experiencing visions, grappling with the ramifications of these events, and traveling towards Bethlehem, other events are happening. King Herrod, who acts like an exaggerated villain, makes threats and barks orders at people around. The Three Kings, who oddly act as the film's comic relief, track solar events and make their own journey. Events happening around the immaculate conception, similar miracles concerning the birth of John the Baptist, are given equal screen time. This ends up distracting the audience from the main point of the story.

Sealing the film's fate as a mediocre exercise is an uneven cast. Controversy was generated when Keisha Castle-Hughes, previously of “Whale Rider” and playing Mary here, became pregnant during filming. (Presumably, this was not an act of divine intervention.) Castle-Hughs' performance is wide-eyed but she's largely a prop for the bigger story. Mary is basically left to react to all the things happening to her and around her. A pre-fame Oscar Isaac plays Joseph, only getting a few chances to delve into the depth of what the man must have felt. Ciaran Hinds' slithering and sinister King Herod is certainly memorable, even if the film makes no attempt to correlate historical fact with Herod's status as Biblical villain. Not that I expected that...

Why did “The Nativity Story” fail to connect with audiences, when “The Passion of the Christ” became an object of public discussion and even shit like “God's Not Dead” become sleeper successes? I'd like to say it's because the Christian audience know when studios are cynically pandering to them but that's pretty obviously not true. Was the film too religious for non-denominational audiences and too mainstream for Christian audience? Maybe it's just because “The Nativity Story” was a maudlin and mediocre film, that doesn't seem that interested in spreading the gospel but has little else of interest to say. Merry Christmas, I guess. [5/10]

The Stingiest Man in Town (1978)

Since I somehow made it through all of December without watching a single adaptation of “A Christmas Carol,” I figured the 25th would be a good day to throw one in. Probably realizing material for Christmas specials was starting to run thin, Rankin/Bass turned to Dickens' well-trotted story. “The Stingiest Man in Town” squeezes Dickens' entire novel into 49 minutes. It hits all the major beats: Scrooge, Bob Crotchet, Tiny Tim, Nephew Fred, Marley and the three ghosts. It even throws in some underutilized elements, like Marley showing Scrooge an entire litany of chained spectres. About the only new elements Rankin/Bass includes are some songs and B.A.H. Humbug, a talking insect that narrates the story.

As far as adaptation goes, “The Stingiest Man in Town” is fairly pedestrian. It's hard to rate any version of this story, since we're all so familiar with it. Rankin/Bass doesn't really invest the familiar story beats with any new or exciting twists. The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come sequence is really abbreviated, causing Scrooge's transformation to have little meaning. Tiny Tim's role is also greatly cut down, further draining the emotional heart from the story. Otherwise, the telling is competent, if only barely adequate.

The songs range from forgettable to actively annoying. “Humbug!,” Scrooge's introductory number, is poorly performed. The title song has halting music and inane lyrics. “You Wear a Chain,” sung by Marley to Scrooge, at least has a sort of catchy melody. “It Might Have Been,” the song between Scrooge and Belle, is probably the worst in the movie. As a duet, it's very weak. The decision for “Yes, There is a Santa Claus” to link the Ghosts of Christmas Present to Santa Claus is mildly interesting, if obvious. “Birthday Party of the King” injects a religious element into this largely secular story.

Only two things really distinguishes “The Stingiest Man in Town.” The animation is pretty good and more anime-esque than Rankin/Bass' usual productions. The voice cast is solid. Walter Matthau was an inspired choice to play Scrooge, even if this material doesn't allow him to plum the character's depth very much. As far as narrators go, Mr. Humbug is fairly inoffensive. Tom Bosley provides him with a likable personality, if nothing else. “The Stingiest Man in Town” is one of Rankin?Bass' most forgettable specials, just because it adapts something so well known.  [5/10]

And that's the end of 2018's Christmas movie marathon. Somehow, I managed to keep this Christmas on schedule, more-or-less just as I had hoped. I don't have too much to say, other than I hope you enjoyed your holiday and are looking forward to the New Year. Thanks, as always, for reading.

Christmas 2018: December 24th

Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)

Alexander and Ilya Salkind helped bring 1978’s “Superman” to the big screen and then quickly fucked it up. While the campy misfires of “Superman III” and “Supergirl” did not exactly end the series, the Salkinds figured they had squeezed all the blood from that particular property. So the super-producers, on the look-out for more exploitable content, moved onto an even more globally beloved and recognized character: Santa Claus! Initially offered to John Carpenter of all people, “Supergirl’s” Jeannot Szwarc would ultimately get the job. Though the film went out of its way to replicate “Superman’s” formula in a Yuletide context, “Santa Claus: The Movie” would flop hard in 1985. Since then, the film has supposedly developed a cult following.

In the frozen North, a friendly old man named Claus makes toys that he delivers to the village’s children on Christmas. After him, his wife, and his reindeer freeze to death in a blizzard, they are gathered by the magical little people. The elves provide Claus with the resources to deliver toys to all the world’s children. Santa Claus goes about his business for centuries. In the 1980s, an elf named Patch leaves the North Pole for Manhattan. He quickly falls in with disgraced toy company BZ Toys, whose evil CEO exploits the elf’s talents. Santa, a homeless boy, and a poor little rich girl team up to save Christmas.

“Santa Claus: The Movie” begins with an interesting proposition. It endeavors to provide a definitive origin for the mythical figure of Santa Claus. However, its answers are less than satisfying. Instead of exploring the historical Saint Nicholas or delving into Santa’s pagan roots, it just makes shit up. It seems the elves have been awaiting Claus’ arrival, for reasons never specified. His powers are explained as magic and left at that. Weirdly, this film’s world takes Santa’s existence at face value, blaming him for defective toys later on. The sloppy origin is another symptom of the film’s messiness. The story has four protagonists and is riddled with holes.

Like many Christmas films, “Santa Claus: The Movie” denounces corporate greed and ruthless capitalism while being a product of those beliefs. The film is very childish, so it’s portrayal of a corrupt business is ridiculous. B.Z. is so cartoonishly evil, he fills teddy bears with broken glass and rusty nails. The motivation of unchecked greed, how big business has co-opted the season of giving and made it about money, is only briefly touched upon. Patch, who assumes protagonist status for a third of the film, is never held accountable for his role in the villain’s scheme. Moreover, Santa and B.Z. never actually cross paths. The film’s big hero, representing pure altruism, and its bad guy, representing total greed, do not meet. The film’s conflict - and its message - is totally limp.

Another problem facing “Santa Claus: The Movie” is its uneven cast. David Huddleston is certainly jolly enough to play Santa and does well in the early scenes. However, once the conflict arises, Huddleston becomes moody and overly forlorn. Dudley Moore might seem perfectly cast as an elf but he puts little heart into the role of Patch. Especially once he’s riding around in a flying car, Moore’s disinterest is obvious. Christian Fitzpatrick and Carrie Kei Heim are fairly broad as the adorable moppets that Santa befriends. (Santa seems very blasé about keeping his existence a secret.) That leaves us with John Lithgow as B.Z. Lithgow reaches for the rafters, overacting to gloriously campy heights. Lithgow’s sweaty, screaming performance is absolutely the highlight of the film.

I will say this much about “Santa Claus.” It’s got really nice production design. Santa’s workshop looks fantastic. There’s all sorts of old-timey mechanisms moving about. Everything is delightfully colorful. The commercial set Patch ends up on is gaudy in the right way. Some of the film’s special effects could be better though. While the animatronic reindeer are expressive, the flying sequences are pretty hokey. Santa’s sleigh and Patch’s flying car move stiffly and unconvincingly through the air. The Superman flying scenes looked way better than this. Still, it’s evident some real money was poured into this production.

I can recall seeing about half of “Santa Claus: The Movie” as a kid. I was over at a relative’s house around Christmas and they had HBO. Back then, I found the film rather mean-spirited. After all, this is a Santa movie that begins with Mr. and Mrs. Claus freezing to death. B.Z.’s deadly toys did not strike me as satirical but grotesque. Despite this impression, I have sometimes wondered how the movie ended. Well, now I know. “Santa Claus: The Movie” is definitely a dud, though I do prefer it over “The Santa Clause.” If only because I’ll take a hammy John Lithgow over a grunting Tim Allen any day of the week. [5/10]

Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: A Midwinter's Tale

I reviewed the first episode of “Chilling Adventures of Sabrina” back in October. I liked it alright but had no idea when, if ever, I'd get back to the show. When it was announced that the series would be doing a Christmas special, I quickly caught up with the show. I love spooky holiday entertainment too much to let this one pass me by. And I'm glad I did, as “A Midwinter's Tale” is not a stand-alone special. It directly follows up on the events of the season one finale. Namely, Sabrina admitting to her friends that she's a witch, her breaking up with boyfriend Harvey, discovering her mortal mom's soul is trapped in limbo, and Aunt Zelda adopting a newborn baby.

Since Sabrina and her family are Satanic witches, they don't celebrate Christmas. Instead, they celebrate Yule, burning a special log in the fire place that keeps out evil spirits. During the holiday, Sabrina performs a séance to contact her mom's spirit. This ends up inviting the spirit of Gryla and her Yule Lads – a child-hoarding witch and her mischievous offspring from Icelandic mythology – into the house. The Spellman has to protect Leticia, the infant addition to their family, from the kid-obsessed spirit. Meanwhile, Sabrina's friend Suzi, while working as an elf for the mall Santa, is abducted by another yuletide demon.

I was honestly hoping “A Midwinter's Tale” would be creepier. The show produced some surprisingly spooky moments, like the Harrowing in episode four or some of the nightmare sequences in episode five. A snow-covered town at night can be so creepy. Yet “A Midwinter's Tale” mostly goes for comedy. Gryla, a horrifying giantess that eats children in the original myths, is rendered here as a civilized if deathly woman. The Yule Lads are portrayed as giggling poltergeist, instead of the weird dwarves they were originally. (Disappointingly, the Yule Cat – a giant feline that also eats kids – is absent altogether.) Much of the humor comes from the contrasting the witches' satanic behavior with the holly jolly surrounding, such as their unique interpretation of “A Christmas Carol.” As is typical of the show, the Spellmans responds to the weird events with a deadpan pragmatism.

“A Midwinter's Tale” definitely earns a lot of points for digging deep into Christmas lore. Even if its take on Gryla and the Yule Lads aren't as interesting as the originals, it's neat to see them mentioned at all. The more well known Krampus does show up, under his Styrian name of Bartel. He's the antagonist in Suzi's subplot, threatening to turn the teen into a lifeless mannequin. St. Lucia is also briefly discussed, for yet more obscure seasonal tradition. “A Midwinter's Tale” is a decent episode of “Chilling Adventures of Sabrina,” about ranking in the middle of what was an overall decent first season. [7/10]

WHY DO I OWN THIS?: We Wish You a Turtle Christmas (1994)

This is what a pop culture phenomenon the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were in the nineties. People paid good money to watch actors dressed as crude facsimiles of the characters sing songs. Following the utterly shocking success of the “Coming Out of Their Shells” live musical stage show, a pair of VHS sing-along tapes were released in 1994. The first was “Turtles Tunes,” a collection of public domain songs and original numbers sung by the Ninja Turtles. The second was “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas,” which similarly had the reptilian martial artists putting their spin on seasonal melodies. Forgotten for years, the internet would pick up these tapes and make them so-bad-they're-good, “can you believe this stupid bullshit?” cult items. “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas” is supposed to be pretty terrible which might make you wonder why I own it.

The thin plot of “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas” revolves around the ninjas going out on Christmas Eve to get their Master Splinter some gifts. The residents of New York City and various shopping establishments are apparently unfazed by the sight of six foot tall, heavily muscular turtles dancing and singing near them. Of course, the plot is merely meant to facilitate the various songs. In-between the numbers, there's some light banter. Along the way, a street corner Santa and a group of children join the Turtles in their singing.

And what songs they are! The opening rendition of “Deck the Halls” is done as a reggae number. “Over the River and Through the Woods” is rewritten to be about the Turtles' sewer abode. Michaelangelo, for unexplained reasons, launches into an opera-esque rendition of “O Little Town of Bethlehem,” which is now about Manhattan. Once Splinter is presented with his gift, he puts his own spin on “12 Days of Christmas.” The tape wraps up with the Turtles and a bunch of kids singing “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.” There are two wholly original numbers too, including an utterly cringe-inducing rap song about wrapping gifts. Truly, you have not lived until you've seen the Ninja Turtles butcher these Christmas classics.

As hilariously misguided and utterly jaw-dropping as these songs are, it's not the main thing that makes “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas” so hilarious. Did I mention this was a live action production? The Ninja Turtle suits the actors wear aren't even up the standard of “The Next Mutation.” The animatronic mouths barely move, a thin strip of black fabric visible behind their massive teeth. The performers clearly have difficulty moving in the outfits, much less dancing. The Splinter costume has a weirdly over-sized head. Apparently two actors did all the voices. This is evident, as three of the four turtles have weird Brooklyn accents. The voice performers chatter over the end credits, even after the words disappear.

Why Do I Own This?: The easiest answer to that question is: How could I not? I own “Turtle Tunes” too. If you think this one is bad, ooh boy, you should check out that cinematic masterpiece of sight and sound. When I spotted both of these quote-unquote films in a flea market bin of VHS tapes, two dollar price tags on each, there was no way I could resist. Knowing fully both were suppose to awful, I happily took them home. This duo currently resides in my collection and you can take them when they're pried from my cold, dead fingers.

But I digress. “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas” is completely baffling and beautifully so. The only time I wasn't laughing through the twenty minute runtime was when my jaw sagged open in disbelief. I can recall renting this as a kid and happily eating it up. It's amazing what a child will uncritically consume, when compared to how hilariously perplexed an adult may be. I'm going to give this thing a positive review and have no regrets about that. Obviously produced cynically as a cheap way to cash in on a then red hot fad, time and perspective transforms “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas” into ironic enjoyment. May you have a truly Turtle Christmas as well. [7/10]

Christmas 2018: December 22nd

All the Creatures Were Stirring (2018)

I'm not sure why this is but, in the last decade or so, the anthology film has seen a real resurgence in the indie horror scene. The “V/H/S” and “ABCs of Death” films, “Holidays,” “Southbound,” “Tales of Halloween” and probably some others I'm forgetting have crossed theater screens and streaming services in recent years. And now this latest trend has cross-pollinated with the Christmas horror movie, resulting in “All the Creatures Were Stirring.” Unlike most films of this type, which gather together a team of different filmmakers, the holiday horror anthology is entirely a work of a husband and wife team. Rebekah McKendry and David Ian McKendry have been involved with podcasts, short films, and other behind-the-scenes activities but this is their feature debut.

On December 25th, two people meet for a date at a theater. They are presented with five stories. “All the Stockings Were Hung” concerns an office Christmas party held hostage by am unseen psychopath. “Dash Away All” is about a man who locks himself out of his car while doing some last minute Christmas shopping. That's when he encounters two girls with a van and a demonic secret. “All Through the House” has a drug-addled Grinch being visited by three ghosts, who give him horrifying hallucinations. “Arose Such a Clatter” begins with a man hitting a deer while driving on Christmas. Once he returns home, the deer seeks vengeance. “In a Twinkling” has Gabby visiting a friend on Christmas. Both are then abducted by aliens curious about their holiday traditions.

“All The Creatures Were Stirring” earns points for not falling back on traditional Christmas horror concepts, like killer Santas or the Krampus. However, that doesn't mean its ideas are especially original. For example, the first story recalls last year's “The Belko Experiment” and “Mayhem.” Being only a short segment, it doesn't have time to explore office politics in any meaningful way. The villain is obnoxiously hammy. The ending is a complete shrug that doesn't satisfy on any level. Aside from a clever gag involving a deadly jack-in-the-box, it starts the film on a sour note.

“Dash Away All” is slightly better, while also being among the film's longer segments. It has a creepy build-up and utilizes the spookiness of its setting – an empty parking lot at night – fairly well. The audience does wonder what the deal with the two mysterious women are. However, once the supernatural threat makes itself known, the story really falter. The mechanics of the demonic entity are convoluted and uninteresting. While the creature's surprise appearance is a decent horror moment, it doesn't manage to create a thrilling ending. This is also the part of the film that has the least to do with Christmas.

The third segment, “All Through the House,” is probably the weakest part of the film. Its protagonist, Chet, is by-far the most obnoxious person in the film. We're never given a reason to care about this coke sniffing, booty call making, Christmas-hating moron. Jonathan Kite's performance is way over the top. While subverting “A Christmas Carol's” premise for horror, there's nothing scary or spooky about this haunting. The visions Chet is given of his past is ridiculously executed. The other strange things he see are senseless enough that the audience just wanders when this'll be over.

The fourth story, “Arose Such a Clatter,” is probably my favorite part of the film. Which is not the highest praise. The episode is definitely over-directed, with a swirling camera and blood running down the screen. We learn almost nothing about its two characters, other than the guy is a sleazy fetish photographer and his one model has the hots for him. The deer is only ever portrayed as close-ups on a stuffed head. Yet the premise is sort of funny, with an amusingly seasonal resolution. Unlike the other parts of the film, this one actually captures the EC Comics style of bad people being punished for their crimes.

The last three segments of “All the Creatures Were Stirring” have a comedic edge. The final episode, “In a Twinkling,” goes for comedy above anything else. I like the premise of aliens attempting to understand Christmas. Filming the scenes above the flying saucer like it's a black-and-white fifties sci-fi film was mildly clever. Yet the writing is not especially funny. The one attempt at horror, involving stretching CGI faces, is very poor. The short, as a few of these did, ends on a complete shrug. The attempt to throw in some emotional resonance at the very end does not work at all.

The wrap-around segment has a very lame conclusion as well. If the film's Letterboxd page is anything to go on, the reception for “All the Creatures Were Stirring” has been predominantly negative. I would say the film is more mediocre than outright bad. However, it's certainly not the best Christmas horror anthology that could've been made. (“A Christmas Horror Story” from a few years back was better and I didn't even like that one much.) Perhaps these things work better when multiple directors are involved? By all accounts, the filmmakers are nice people, so hopefully their next project is less uneven. [5/10]

Night Gallery: The Messiah on Mott Street

“The Night of the Meek” is a classic Christmas episode of “The Twilight Zone.” Since I reviewed that one a few years ago, I decided to try the holiday episode of that other Rod Serling anthology series this December. Though “Night Gallery” is generally considered a pale imitation of “The Twilight Zone,” “The Messiah on Mott Street” seems to be among the series' better regarded episode. Perhaps this is because Serling himself penned the script for it. (This episode is also packaged with a segment called “The Painted Mirror,” which I didn't feel the need to review.)

“The Messiah on Mott Street” is rather perfect for my household, as its as much a Hanukkah special as a Christmas one. It concerns Abraham Goldman, a 77 year old Jewish grandfather. Abraham lives with Mikey, his nine year old grandson. Goldman is very ill and knows the Angel of Death will be visiting him soon. Looking to instill some hope in the boy, Abraham explains to Mikey about the Messiah. The boy sets out into the streets, full of Christmas shoppers and corner Santas, looking for this aforementioned Messiah. Instead, he finds a man named Buckner. While Goldman's doctor tries to explain to Mikey that his grandfather will soon pass, the boy insists Buckner is the Messiah.

“The Messiah on Mott Street” is a cute fable. The love shared between Mikey and his grandfather is very sweet. The way the old man simplifies the story of the Jewish messiah to the boy is well meaning. The sequence where the boy goes out into the street, arguing with a Santa Claus and a raving lunatic, establishes the boy's naivety well. The introduction of Buckner injects some sweetness and charity into the dreary story. There's even a mildly spooky moment, when Abraham feels the spectre of death floating over his bed. This is portrayed as a blackened shape billowing through the room. The conclusion explains things a bit too neatly, inserting an element of magic-realism that lays down too many cards at once.

Still, the cast really elevates the somewhat clumsy script. Edward G. Robinson, as an old Jew himself, is well cast as Abraham. His gripes are infused with humor while he shows a clear affection for the boy. Tony Robbins, as the old man's doctor, makes a good foil to Robinson's kvetching old man. Ricky Powell is good as Mikey, functioning as a cute kid without overdoing it. Yaphet Kotto, also a Jew, seems to approach the role of Buckner with a healthy sense of humor and a twinkle in his eye. And, naturally, Serling's introductions have a gravity and grace to them. Overall, “The Messiah on Mott Street” is definitely worth seeing, regardless of the quality of the show around it. [7/10]

Christmas 2018: December 21st

The Bells of St. Mary's (1945)

Pubic taste changes. These day, the biggest film of the year is usually some special effects driven action extravaganza. In 1944, the highest grossing film of the year was “Going My Way,” a drama/musical starring Bing Crosby as a Catholic priest. The film grossed almost eight million dollars, about the modern equivalent of 114 million, and won seven Academy Awards. Public taste changes but something that's true was also true then. Massive box office hits are often followed by sequels. The very next year, Crosby's Father O'Malley would return in “The Bells of St. Mary's.” The sequel was also a huge hit, outperforming the original and becoming the highest grossing film in RKO's history. It would win one Oscar out of eight nominations. In the years since, it's required a reputation as a Christmas classic.

Father O'Malley arrives at St. Mary's, a Catholic parish that has seen better days. The buildings is on the verge of being condemned. This would force the kids living there to be transferred across the city. The impending closure weighs heavily on Sister Mary Benedict, the head nun in charge at St. Mary's. She's hoping they'll be able to move into the under-construction building next door but there's no guarantee the businessman who owns it, Horace Bogardus, will let them. Meanwhile, Father O'Malley and Sister Benedict butt heads over their differing approaches to taking care of the kids.

That “The Bells of St. Mary's” was such a blockbuster in 1945 really shows how different things were back then. The film is a slice-of-life drama with relatively low stakes. The parish being threatened with closure is the big dramatic concern in the story. Yet even this issue does not take up all of the film. Instead, much of “The Bells of St. Mary's” is simply about the day-to-day life in the parish. A boy is being bullied, so Sister Benedict teaches him how to box. A teenage girl is doing poorly on her tests, so Father O'Malley begins to tutor her. The only bit of melodrama at all comes when Sister Benedict is diagnosed with tuberculous. Even this is handled with a fairly gentle hand. This laid-back tone gives the movie considerably charm.

Another big factor in the film's favor is its two lead performers. Much of the film's box office success can be attributed to Bing Crosby, one of the biggest stars of the forties. Bing's winning screen persona is hard to deny. He plays Father O”Malley as someone who does things his own way but is always motivated by good reasons. Ingrid Bergman is similarly fantastic as Sister Benedict. Bergman brings total sincerity to the part, a woman who is unmovable in her own way as Father O'Malley is. The chemistry the two have is gentle, quasi-romantic, their conflict remaining gentle even at its most heated.

You could call “The Bells of St. Mary's” is a musical, though its not of the all-singing/all-dancing variety you associate this period with. I can recall any dancing in it at all. Instead, the songs emerge organically out of the story, usually occurring as Crosby and some kids gather around the piano. None of the music is especially memorable. “Aren't You Glad You're You?” would become a hit single for Crosby and it's, admittedly, cute. The title song is pretty, performed by Crosby and a children's choir. None of the music lingers in the memory though. There's certainly nothing here to compete with “Swinging on a Star” from “Going My Way.”

I seem to recall “The Bells of St. Mary's” getting shown on cable around Christmas all the time. The film certainly has a reputation as a Christmas movie. Yet it's actual seasonal content is minor. There's an absolutely adorable scene where a group of kids put on a nativity play. The spirit of giving does feature prominently in the last act. Otherwise, there's no Christmas trees, snow, Santa Claus, or any secular signs of the time of year. While inferior to “Going My Way,” “The Bells of St. Mary's” is still a deeply wholesome and genuinely delightful motion picture. [7/10]

John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together (1979)

My Mom loves John Denver. Growing up, I heard his music a lot. Since I was a kid, I've loved the Muppets. So, it goes without saying, that one of our favorite records to listen to around the holidays was “John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together.” Though I've heard the music many, many times throughout my life, I've never actually seen the television special these songs originated in. This is obviously because “A Christmas Together” has never been released on home video. Luckily, bootlegs copies and Youtube uploads have circulated freely. “A Christmas Together” is a variety special in the truest sense, as it's composed of musical numbers and comedy bits. What plot exists is about Denver trying to corral the Muppets, and Miss Piggy's ego especially, so they can put on a smooth show.

As with any program in this style, you can split “A Christmas Together” pretty evenly into segments that work and segments that don't. The opening rendition of “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” a song I normally do not like, is used to introduce each of the Muppet players and their personality. It works pretty well at that, especially with the way Fozzie stumbles his lines. The scenes where Piggy attempts to seduce Denver are funny, as the pop star is clearly having a blast. The scene where Rowlf and Denver sing “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” is nicely stripped down. The finale, where the Muppets sing “Silent Night' in English and German while Denver explains its history, is pretty. The calypso rendition of “Christmas is Coming” is also high energy and likable.

There are definitely some clunkers though. A sequence near the end, telling the Nativity story, features the creepiest muppets this side of “The Dark Crystal.” A scene where Denver plays a tin soldier, leading up to Miss Piggy performing a romantic ballad, is a real clunker. The song is annoying and the physical comedy is not so hot. The song-and-dance number that occurs early on goes on for a bit too long. Quite a few of Denver's solo numbers are slow and maudlin. Even a duet with Kermit drags the pace way down. I'll admit to liking his reading of “Alfie the Christmas Tree,” a seasonal environmental poem Denver penned that eventually become a children's book my mom read to me many times.

I was disappointed that many of my favorite numbers from the “John Denver and the Muppets” album did not originate in this special. The renditions of “Little Saint Nick” and “When the River Meets the Sea” are classics. The album itself obviously had a far longer shelf life than the program that inspired it. Still, this is a fun little special that is clearly in the vein of “The Muppet Show” episodes it spun off of. It's doubtful an official home video release will ever arrive, so the hazy and scratchy Youtube rips will probably have to suffice.  [7/10]

Christmas 2018: December 20th

Bad Santa 2 (2016)

When “Bad Santa” was released in 2003, it became an unexpected hit. Audiences loved the raunchy humor but many critics responded to the movie's battered heart. It was the filthy holiday comedy people were apparently clamoring for. Considering the box office success, talks of a sequel began soon afterwards. I can't imagine Terry Zwigoff was interested and, after a while, it seemed like a follow-up would never be made. And it's not like “Bad Santa” was crying up for a part two anyway. Yet in 2015, thirteen years after the original, news broke that Billy Bob Thornton had signed on for “Bad Santa 2.” The sequel came out a year later to highly negative reviews and mediocre box office. Still, I enjoy the first one enough to wonder if the second one was worth seeing.

In the decade-plus since the original film, William Soke's life has not improved any. The once Santa, part-time thief, and full-time fuck-up squandered every good thing he was left with last time. Only Thurman, who has grown from a weird kid to a strange teenager, hasn't given up on him. After a failed suicide attempt, Willie receives a phone call from Marcus, his former partner who tried to kill him last time they met. The once elf talks him into a scheme to rip off a charity in Chicago. Upon arriving, Willie discovers his mother is the mastermind behind the heist. Even worst, he has to don the Santa suit again. Thurman follows along and Willie once again feels his blackened heart thawing.

I usually hate it when a sequel resets after the original, undoing all the progress the characters have made. Willie Soke remaining a miserable bastard, even after the transformative events of the original, seems in-character though. Someone like that isn't going to stop making mistakes. So “Bad Santa 2” has a license to be as vulgar, bleak, and hateful as the original. The dialogue remains utterly filthy. There's multiple crude sex acts, different bodily fluids, violence, booze, and nothing but bad behavior. Diminishing returns apply but the script's profanity-laden dialogue is still frequently amusing. As in the first, the story bends wildly so that normal people are willing to put up with an absolute scoundrel like Willie. This is taken to purposely absurd heights, when a female security guard's sexual interests line up perfectly with Willie's personality.

“Bad Santa 2” does repeat many of the first's greatest hits. There's still a scene of Willie responding with curses and bafflement when kids sit on his laps. Once again, he somehow seduces a beautiful woman – Christina Hendricks this time – and gets her to sexually degrade herself in a festive setting. Finally, Thurman somehow sees through Willie's combative exterior and reaches his heart. Somehow, that is still weirdly touching. Especially in a moment when the two end up in a laundromat, Willie actually showing some moral character. When contrasted with Willie's criminal mother, this builds towards a decent theme about the family we're born with and the family we choose. And Thurman is still such a bizarre character that watching the (vulgar but otherwise normal) characters react to him is still worth a laugh or two.

The main reason these jokes work at all may be because the cast remains so committed to the material. Billy Bob Thornton remains absolutely fearless in playing a deplorable son-of-a-bitch. Despite Willie Soke being one of the most despicable protagonist ever put to film, Thornton still manages to make the pathetic bastard oddly likable. Tony Cox is Thornton's equal in his ability to spit profane dialogue with such vigor. Kathy Bates, who is only seven years older than Thornton, seems especially game. She never quite gets at the same inner heartbreak Thornton brings to Willie but she certainly approaches the uncouth material with gusto. (Bates and Thornton are not the only Oscar winners to debase themselves here. Octavia Spencer has a small role as a prostitute.) Christina Hendricks definitely deserves better than this but there is a naughty thrill in seeing one of our era's defining sex symbols in such a lascivious role.

“Bad Santa 2” is obviously not as good as the first one, largely do to being so derivative. It does not have as much heart behind its foul-mouthed antics. While the original is an anti-good cheer holiday cult classic, the sequel is a fairly by-the-numbers affair. Yet the film still made me laugh plenty of times, so I'd say it succeeds as a comedy. [7/10]

Psych: Gus' Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy

After watching an episode of “Monk” the other day, it only seems right that I include some “Psych” in this year's Christmas marathon as well. The two shows aired together for years and, as both are about eccentric detectives, largely defined the USA Network's “Characters Welcomed” brand. It was a much sillier show than “Monk,” as the characters were broader and goofier, often exploding into madcap comedic episodes. Yet that wasn't a complaint, as “Psych” had a strong cast, of both actors and characters, to root even the wilder antics in honest personality. The show had consistently awesome Halloween episodes but also touched on Christmas a few times too. The first of which was “Gus' Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy.”

As Christmas approaches Santa Barbara, families are coming together. Shawn and his dad join Gus' family for dinner. That's when Shawn learns that Gus' parents have always considered him a bad influence. The same day, it's discovered that their next door neighbor – mean old man Mr. Fuller – has died mysteriously. Though initially assumed to be a suicide, it's quickly discovered that Fuller was clobbered to death with a hammer that belonged to Gus' dad. While Gus assures everyone of his dad's innocence, Shawn tries to uncover the real killer using his fake-psychic powers of deduction.

The main appeal of “Psych” was the adorable friendship between Shawn and Gus. The two busts each other's chops constantly but are the truest of bros. Their interaction here includes a hilarious reenactment of “The Tell-Tale Heart,” which escalates fantastically, and Gus getting into Shawn's personal space as he attempts to investigate. One of the main thrusts of this episode is Shawn's shock at learning Gus' parents don't approve of him. Helping this plot point go down is the stellar guest casts as Gus' parents. Ernie Hudson and Phylicia Rashad perfectly balance being overbearing and loving.

While the murder mystery is mildly amusing, including Shawn's typically energetic breakdown of how it happened, what I really liked about this episode is how it touched on different family traditions. Shawn and his dad, played by a perfectly crotchety Corbin Bernsen, try to guess what each other's gifts are before opening them. Shawn claims not to be fond of this tradition but clearly enjoys it. The B-plot involves Lassiter, the SBPD's hard-ass and Shawn's frequent foil, inviting himself to (Shawn's love interest) Juliet's family gathering. Her Scottish family have a number of traditions, which Lassiter attempts to force himself into. The most amusing of which is the way he deconstructs the kid's assemble of a Nativity scene.

Though the show takes place in sunny California, “Gus' Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy” does pile on the Christmas atmosphere. Decorations are present throughout. There's a big family dinner, of course. The episode begins with Shawn passing gifts around the police station. There's a highly amusing chase scene set to a rock version of “Jingle Bells.” They even put a Christmas-y spin on the opening credits and theme song.  In other words, it's a good episode and fits in with the holiday season nicely. [7/10]

Christmas 2018: December 19th

A Christmas Tale (2008)

In America, foreign language films, especially those made in Europe, have a reputation as being dour, down-beat, and pretentious. It's not a totally unearned distinction. Not because they don't make movies of all types in Europe. It's because the European films that get the most critical praise on this side of the ocean tend to fit that description. So when I heard there was a French Christmas movie from 2008, I was not surprised to see it considered among the most depressing holiday viewing. The film was even released by the Criterion Collection, seeming to confirm its status as a heavy, important movie. Watching Arnaud Desplechin's film, I was surprised that it has more in common with American Christmas movies than expected.

The Vuillard family has baggage. Abel and Junon's first child, Joseph, was diagnosed with leukemia at six years old. Abel and Junon would conceive three more children – Elizabeth, Henri, and Ivan – all in a desperate attempt to provide Joseph with a bone marrow donor. It didn't work and the boy died. Though Abel and Junon have done everything they can to hold the children together, resentment has emerged among the siblings. As Christmas approaches, Junon receives news that she has leukemia as well. The siblings, their kids, spouses and girlfriends, gather in the family home in the days before the holiday. The old wounds open again, especially once it's discovery that Henri is a marrow donor for his mother.

Despite what I had read, “A Christmas Tale” is not an excessively dour film. In fact, it's about as upbeat as a movie about someone being diagnosed with cancer can be. Instead of a French mope-fests, it's actually a naturalistic drama about the tension that arises with family get-togethers. Elizabeth and Henri resent each other, the siblings getting into arguments – and the brother even getting punched at one point – several times. Elizabeth's son Paul is mentally ill, his condition weighing on his parents. There's unresolved romantic tension between Ivan's wife and his cousin. All of this is depicted as normal side effects of a large family, with a lot of history, getting back together. There's even quite a bit of humor, when Henri makes a midnight escape or constantly mixes up his nephews.

More than anything else, “A Christmas Tale” is largely a showcase for its accomplished cast. Mathieu Amalric, who I only know from his milquetoast villain turn in “Quantum of Solace,” is fantastic as Henri. He's a drunken screw-up but with compassion and a sincere desire to be forgiven. If anything, his qualms with his siblings are pretty reasonable, considering how they treat him. Catherine Deneuve is steely as Junon, the unflappable matriarch that doesn't let anything hold her back much. Anne Cosigny conveys how deeply wounded Elizabeth is. While the Ivan and Simon's subplot is the film's least essential, it's no fault of Melvil Poupaud and Laurent Capelluto. Even the supporting roles, such as Emmaunelle Devos as Henri's girlfriend, have a fair bit of wit and humor.

I have no familiarity with Arnaud Desplechin's other films. However, it's apparent from this one film that the director has a distinct visual style. The family's history is portrayed through a lightly animated sequence, something like a shadow puppet show. Through the film, he uses smoky silent-movie style irises to create a nostalgic and warm mood. Characters speak directly into the camera and each of the siblings get moments to narrate. One scene even utilizes a DePalma style split screen. More often than anything else, Desplechin's camera peers into the tight interiors of the home, making the audience feel the intimacy of this family gathering. While a largely simple story of sibling rivalry and family tension, Desplechin sees plenty of opportunities to make a visually notable experience.

“A Christmas Tale” ends on a note of uncertainty, Junon's – and the family's at large – fate unresolved. Despite that, I found “A Christmas Tale” almost life-affirming. Despite all the in-fighting and complications, these people do love each other. This family interaction is the real Christmas tradition at the center of “A Christmas Tale,” as gift-giving and setting up the tree are largely meant to provide the characters a chance to talk. The film is well crafted, with strong performances, and some interesting themes on its mind. While it's likely too long and too heavy for most Christmas marathon, it is an interesting inclusion to the holiday film canon. [7/10]

The Little Drummer Boy, Book II (1976)

I wasn’t much of a fan of Rankin/Bass’ “The Little Drummer Boy,” finding it off-putting in a lot of ways. However, it was an early Christmas special for the company. By the mid-seventies, the half-hour original must’ve become some sort of seasonal favorite. That’s when, eight years later, a sequel was produced. “The Little Drummer Boy, Book II” picks up minutes after the end of the original. After playing his drum for the newly born Christ child, Aaron the Drummer Boy decides to join King Melchior on a journey. Melchior is meeting with Simeon. He’s a bell maker who envisioned the arrival of Christ and made a set of giant silver bells to ring in the Passion. When a group of greedy Roman centurions take the bells as tax payments, Aaron and his animal friends head off to retrieve them.

“The Little Drummer Boy, Book II” is marginally better than the original. Asking what happened to the Little Drummer Boy after the end of the song is an interesting question. Having him go off with one of the kings is as good an answer as any. The resulting plot does not strike me as Biblically or historically sound. Simeon is a lost prophet of early Christianity, I guess. When you remember Jesus was literally a newborn at this time, ringing out huge bells to announce his arrival must’ve confused a lot of local people. But neither Christmas carols nor Rankin/Bass specials were meant to stand up to much scrutiny.

Taken on its own, the special is mildly entertaining. Zero Mostel is amusingly hammy as Brutus, the boisterous and sarcastic leader of the centurions. His big music number, describing how currency replaced trade, is admittedly damn catchy. Aaron proves a very passive protagonist here, as he basically just follows the more important characters around. His animals, which thankfully do little of their creepy dancing, are the ones that actually save the day. With far less story than the original, this sequel just breezes by. That’s not a complaint. While an unnecessary sequel to an inessential original, “The Little Drummer Boy, Book II” is a totally painless watch. [6/10]

Christmas 2018: December 18th

Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Killer Mutant Snowman (2000)

Rather notoriously, two movies named “Jack Frost” were hitting video stores around the same time. Despite the identical titles and similar living snowman premises, one was a sappy family film and the other was a gory horror/comedy. While the family film probably had a wider cultural reach at the time, owing to it actually playing in theaters, only the goofy horror movie got a sequel. The gloriously subtitled “Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Killer Mutant Snowman” would hit video shelves at the dawn of the new millennium. Writer/director Michael Cooney and some of the same cast would return along with the killer snowman, suggesting people genuinely wanted to make this sequel.

A year has past since serial killer Jack Frost was transformed into an animated snowman and went on a rampage through the small town of Snowmonton. Though Frost was seemingly melted with antifreeze, Sheriff Sam Tiler is still traumatized by his memories of the killing spree. In hopes it'll get his mind off things, his wife suggest they head to Hawaii for a Christmas vacation. Sam reluctantly agrees, joining his friends for their island honeymoon. But the sheriff is right to be worried. Government agents recover Frost's remains, attempts to weaponize his powers, and end up resurrecting the mutant frost golem. Now with a psychic link to Tiler, he follows the family to Hawaii and begins killing anew.

The first “Jack Frost” was a knowingly ridiculous movie. If the subtitle wasn't indication enough, the sequel ramps that silliness up even further. This is most apparent in the film's ludicrous collection of characters. FBI Agent Manners returns from the first movie, played by a different actor and sporting an eye patch. Every time he exits the screen, he's followed by a dramatic musical sting on the soundtrack. The hotel staff includes an exaggerated Jamaican guy, a British fellow in a pith helmet he makes repeated references to fighting wars in India, and Captain Fun. Captain Fun is a responsible for getting everyone in a party mode, with tactics like costume parties and snowball fights. These goofy characters indicate the kind of cartoony tone “Jack Frost 2” is obviously after.

The first film clearly did not have a very high budget, which is most evident in the lack of snow on the ground throughout most of it. The sequel seems to follow this lead at first. In the first half, Jack Frost appears largely via voice-over and P.O.V. shots. Or a carrot being dragged along the beach. Halfway through, however, Frost makes it snow in Hawaii. He's massacring a whole party. Much of the film's latter half focuses on Frost's snowball-shaped offspring, a very silly plot twist that turns the sequel into a super-cheap “Gremlins” knock-off of sorts. There's even some (admittedly extremely crude) CGI. The movie was clearly saving its budget for its second half.

“Jack Frost 2” does have a demented creative streak. Those nearly indestructible snow-babies – which get squished in waffle irons, swarm victims, and chug booze – are a totally unexpected digression. They admittedly kind of take over the movie but, just when you're sick of their cute-but-deadly antics, papa Jack Frost comes roaring back. Otherwise, the gore effects are even more cartoonish than last time. Jack actually kills someone but changing into an anvil and falling on them. There's an effective exploding head and repeated deadly uses for a carrot. He even shapes into a box at one point, capturing and crushing someone. The highlight of the sequel is when Jack crashes a party, turning a snowball fight deadly. Though mildly amusing throughout, this is the only time the sequel actually made me laugh from its audacity.

Despite teasing a third installment with a typically ridiculous mid-credits scene, there would be no further adventures for Jack Frost. That's probably for the best. I'm not sure what else you could have done with the premise beyond this sequel, which manages to be both somewhat lazy and surprisingly ambitious. (Though the Christmas aspect is mostly in the background, which is not surprising considering the tropical setting.) It's totally brain-dead and will admittedly only appeal to a certain breed of weirdo. Yet I definitely did have a good time with this frosted sequel. I guess what I'm saying is, if you're going to see one killer snowman movie, see “Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Killer Mutant Snowman.” [7/10]

Into the Dark: Pooka!

Blumhouse and Hulu's “Into the Dark” feature length anthology series premiered back in October without much fanfare. I reviewed the first episode, which wasn't without merit, but even horror websites didn't seem all that impressed with the first two installments. (I haven't caught up with the November/Thanksgiving feature, “Flesh and Blood.”) However, the December/Christmas episode, “Pooka!,” got some positive reviews. Not coincidentally, this is the first “Into the Dark” chapter to be made by a qualified horror filmmaker. Nacho Vigalondo's career has been uneven but his films are always interesting.

Wilson, a struggling actor, moves to L.A. to get away from a troubled past. He eventually scores his first gig. Wilson has been hired to be the in-costume performer of Pooka. That's the hottest new toy of the holidays, a teddy bear that unpredictably repeats what you just said. Wilson isn't sure about the gig, especially since the suit gives him weird vibes, but it pays well. It also gives him a chance to romance Melanie, a pretty real estate agent. However, he begins to have nightmares about the Pooka suit. Which soon transforms into bizarre hallucinations. He forms a disturbing bond with the suit. When the whole toy line is recalled, Wilson's life truly falls apart.

From its opening minutes, “Pooka!” sets out to create an unnerving atmosphere. The titular toy is well designed. It's cute enough that kids would believably want it. There's also something kind of creepy about it, with those wide eyes that flash red and blue randomly. That juxtaposition, between the cute and the creepy, is successfully built on to create an unsettling atmosphere. Throughout most of “Pooka!,” there's this uncomfortable sense that things could go wrong at any minute. As that nightmarish tone continues, Vigalondo throws more casually surreal sights at us. Such as the Pooka suit sitting in a coffee shop or mysterious banging noises that shakes a Christmas tree.

By establishing this creepy ambiance, the audience is left on-edge for whatever fucked-up imagery Vigalondo throws at us. And there's a lot of that in “Pooka!” Wilson's nightmares are very unnerving indeed. They start as malevolent but explicable, with the Pooka suit springing to life and wrecking his apartment. Something cute becoming corrupt is a reoccurring theme in the episode. As the nightmares continue, Pooka continues to behave badly. He performs sex acts, sets fire, vomits blood, smokes lightly. In the most shocking moment, a child is even endangered, the severity of which we never learn. Vigalondo does a good job of keeping us off-guard and throwing freakishness at us when it's needed.

While “Pooka's” functions well as a surreal creep-fest, its story isn't very concrete. The audience is eventually left wandering what the point of this nightmare is. If Wilson's anxieties about employment or relationships will solidify into something meaningful. Or if the film is taking shots at toy fads like Furbys or Pokemon, both of which Pooka resembles. Surely the Pooka – which shares a name with a mischievous fairy spirit in Celtic mythology – has some deeper significance? Instead, the film's denouncement explains everything in the least interesting way possible, a twist that is well trotted ground. It ends up feeling like a bit of a cop-out.

Still, “Pooka!” is an appropriately spooky bit of holiday horror. There's a decent amount of Christmas trappings. A tense stalking scene occurring in a Christmas tree lot, for example. The cast is solid, with Nyasha Hatendi being a fittingly squirrely as the lead. Mostly, it's Vigalondo's grasp of atmosphere and tone, and the creepy looking title entity, that makes “Pooka!” worth seeing. I doubt it'll become a regular part of my Christmas horror marathons but I think I will continue to check in on “Into the Dark” throughout the year. I'm curious what they'll premiere in August or September, months without any real holidays to latch onto. [7/10]