Christmas 2021: December 2nd

Black Friday (2021)

A while back, my best bro J.D. had a pretty good idea for a movie. He suggested setting a slasher movie inside a big box retail store in the hours on and leading up to Black Friday. It was  a natural idea, as the setting allowed for both a large group of characters to slash through and a varied assortment of objects with which to do said slashing. I also thought such a story could be filled with social commentary on capitalism and how corporations treat workers. And if you're going to make this movie, you have to call it “Black Friday.” We wrote most of an outline but never quite got to the scripting stage. Yet we never forgot the idea either. So imagine my dismay upon learning that someone else had made a movie called “Black Friday” this year. I knew I had to review it this December, to see how it measured up to the movie my friend and I made up.

The employees of toy store We Love Toys gather for what they expect to be another hectic Black Friday. This includes recently divorced dad Ken, his quasi-girlfriend Marnie, neurotic teenager Chris, store manager Jonathan, and a few others. The typical horrors of Black Friday soon give way to something more shocking. Weird meteors are falling from the skies and infecting people, turning them into murderous, mutated zombies. The shopping frenzy becomes a feeding frenzy, as those seeking deals change into monsters in search of murder. Ken and the rest of the team have to put their differences aside if they hope to make it to Saturday. 

“Black Friday,” I'm sad to say, reminds me of a lot of other low budget horror/comedies that I've seen in the last twenty years. It mistakes obnoxious quirks for lovable personality traits. The cast members are reduced to immediately grasp stereotypes. Such as the obnoxious middle manager who insists all corporate mandates be obeyed to the letter. Or another shift manager who is effeminate and vindictive. This goes for the main characters too, as Ken is defined solely by his status as a former “cool guy,” desperate to cling to that image. We don't care about any of these people, about whether they live or die. The script also confuses colorful profanity for memorable dialogue. This furthers an obnoxious, nihilistic tone the entire movie carries.

It's evident that a little more money went into “Black Friday” than these sort of movies usually have. No less a talent than Robert Kurtzman heads the make-up department. The zombies aren't rotting corpses. Instead, the alien infection turns people into bumpy skinned mutants. Their faces morph into monstrous shapes and they spit a sticky, tentacle-like membrane from their mouths. Eventually, the zombies fuses together into a fleshy blob that changes into a kaiju. And it says a lot about how listless “Black Friday” is in general that none of the above comes off as neat, fun, or all that interesting. In fact, despite the obvious skill in the make-up department, the effects frequently come off as rather rubbery looking. The film even indulges in the worst cliché of the zombie genre, which is the inevitable scene of the characters arguing among themselves.

Unsurprisingly, Bruce Campbell and Michael Jai White are the highlights of “Black Friday.” I expected Campbell to be a cameo so I was pleased he's actually in most of the movie. The scene where he comments on the petty sense of power being a store manager gives him is amusing. Campbell's omnipresent dickhead bravado makes minor lines – about holiday pay or booze – into decent laughers. Michael Jai White doesn't get too many funny moments but he is allowed to beat the shit out of some zombies, so that was awesome. Otherwise, the cast is underwhelming. Ivana Banquara, from “Pan's Labyrinth,” is totally wasted in an indistinct role best defined as “the main girl.” Devon Sawa is largely insufferable as Ken, which seems to be Devon Sawa's thing here of late. But at least he wasn't directed by a washed-up rock star this time...

Ultimately, this “Black Friday” is pretty lame. It doesn't have much to say about consumerist culture or how fucked-up it is that the national day of giving thanks is followed by the national day of buying shit. Comparing Black Friday shoppers to violent zombies is a valid observation – I've worked retail too, so I can relate – but it only furthers the feeling that this movie hates everyone. There aren't too many clever jokes – I like the bit about a depressed teddy bear – and the horror stuff is rarely memorable. It doesn't even utilize its holiday setting nearly enough. I'm pretty sure the Black Friday J.D. And I wanted to make would've been better... Though we probably couldn't have gotten Bruce Campbell or Michael Jai White. Also, there's at least one other recent horror/comedy with this title, so I guess anyone could've come up with the idea. [5/10]

The Simpsons: Grift of the Magi

People debate the exact moment when “The Simpsons” stopped being good. Usually, the turning point is designate sometime around season nine or ten. As a kid whose sense of humor was very much informed by the show's early season, I was still an active watcher at this point. Season eleven does feature some minor classics, in my opinion. Such as “E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt),” “Behind the Laughter,” and a pretty decent “Treehouse of Horror.” I also like this season's Christmas episode, “Grift of the Magi,” which was the series' fourth Christmas-related episode overall. 

By this point in “The Simpsons'” history, episode plots were getting increasingly wacky. “Grift of the Magi” follows a number of digressive story beats before arriving at its main point. An unseasonably warm December forces Bart and Milhouse to spend all day inside. During a mildly homoerotic crossdressing session, Bart cracks his coccyx on Homer's bowling ball. Confined to a wheel chair, he discovers Springfield Elementary does not have ramps. Principal Skinner is forced into a sketchy deal with Fat Tony to build ramps... which immediately crumble and leaves the school 200,00 dollars in debt. Forced to close their doors, the school seeks out increasingly desperate circumstances.

Which brings us to the episode's actual focus: A toy company buys the school and uses the kids' feedback to design a hot new toy. That would be Funzo, a robotic plush that is designed to destroy other toys. On Christmas Eve, Bart and Lisa convince Homer to sneak into every house in Springfield and steal the Funzos. This, of course, is a broad parody of various late nineties toy fads, like Tickle Me Elmo or Furbys. (Both of which are mention by name.) The episode is not as vicious a take down on holiday consumerism as “Marge Be Not Proud” or “Miracle on Evergreen Terrance.” However, it does have some fun with the idea, concluding with the characters having a lengthy debate about the commercialization of the holiday. Or showing a real grotesque glee in the way it makes Funzo as evil as possible while still having it be a believable toy. He fires missiles from his mouth, garrotes a Krusty doll, and dances with rival toys' decapitated heads. 

You can debate whether aggressively wacky digressions like this are true to the spirits of “The Simpsons” or not. But “Grift of the Magi” still has some classic gags that I vividly remember two decades later. Such as a suitably surreal guest role from Gary Coleman, a joke the episode successfully keeps building on. Or Krusty doing a culturally inclusive holiday message that treats some religions differently from others. Before this re-watch, I could still quote moments like Homer going into a horror movie inspired panic before the Funzo doll's discovery or an inspired song parody of “Tiny Bubbles.” The episode isn't as Christmas-focused as other holiday episodes but the holiday vibes are heavier in the back end. Including an inspired bit were Lisa and Bart attempt to cover up Homer's incompetent breaking-and-entering by singing carols louder and louder. The final minutes amusingly combines a number of classic Christmas story tropes. 

It's not as good as previous Christmas-themed “Simpsons” episodes, the same way “Miracle on Evergreen Terrace” was not as good as the Christmas episodes before that. But “Grift of the Magi” still represents “The Simpsons” as a sleek joke-delivery machine that wasn't totally devoid of personality or social commentary just yet. And for the record: Though many people pinpoint season nine's “The Principal and the Pauper” as the shark jumping moment, the next season's “Homer Vs. Dignity” – otherwise known as the episode were Homer is sexually assaulted by a panda – was the turning point for me personally. [7/10]