Halloween 2023: October 9th

House on Haunted Hill (1999)

The idea behind Dark Castle Entertainment was cool, conceptually anyway. Three of the people behind the rightfully beloved “Tales from the Crypt” television series – Robert Zemeckis, Joel Silver, and Gilbert Adler – getting together to remake the films of William Castle probably should've produced something neat. Castle's films are beloved and creative but certainly ripe for reinvention. Unfortunately, not a single one of the Dark Castle productions I've seen have been worthwhile. There's been some attempt to re-evaluate the studio's output in recent years. Among the better regarded of Dark Castle's output is their first movie, the 1999 remake of “House on Haunted Hill.”

Amusement park mogul Steven Price is notorious for playing elaborate pranks on people. His latest scheme is the birthday party for his philandering wife, Evelyn. The location for the get-together is the notoriously haunted Vannacutt Institute. In the thirties, the head of the institute performed horrible experiments on the patients, until they revolted and killed him. The spirits are said to haunt the building still. Yet Price's plan to scare his unfaithful wife to death goes wrong quickly. First off, the people he planned on inviting are instead replaced with other folks. Such as Sara, former secretary, and Eddie, disgraced basketball pro, among others. They are enticed to stay by a million dollar prize if they survive the night. As the building's ghostly residents make themselves known, it's clear that may be more challenging than first assumed.

To be blunt, the remake of “House on Haunted Hill” is a very dumb movie. This is evident very early on. Price is introduced showing a reporter and her cameraman – played, for some reason, by bespectacled pop star Lisa Loeb and Spike from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” – his latest roller coaster, which includes such unlikely features as an elevator that at appears to be falling and a fake-out involving a car flying off the rails. If that seems improbable, that's before a malevolent haunted house rewrites a guest list and sends out a group e-mail. I guess spirits can access Wi-Fi. Probably in an attempt to replicate the original's twist ending, the script features multiple layers of fraud and betrayal. However, the back-stabbing and deceptions pile up quickly, leaving the viewer confused as to how the hell any of this is supposed to work. This is the kind of script you get when writers are trying to be clever but disregard any sort of internal coherence.

A plot full of implausible twists and silly touches is just one symptom of the faulty screenplay. (Supposedly written by an entity credited as “Dick Beebe.”) Another sign are the largely terrible characters. Nobody in “House on Haunted Hills” exists as more than one-note gimmicks. Price is a greedy, manipulative business mogul. His wife is a cartoonishly bitchy femme fatale. All the cast members introduced at the asylum are even more weakly defined. Each one is introduced by their job descriptions and that's about all the depth they get. Taye Diggs' basketball player has no personality at all. Ali Larter's heroine, Brigette Wilson as the fame-chaser, and Peter Gallagher as the horny guy are all given nothing to work with. You know things are dire when Chris Kataan does double-duty as the movie's comic relief and the guy who croaks all the exposition about the building. Worst yet, all the characters speak in sitcom style quips or profanity-laced, verbal attacks. There's not a single person to root for here. All these people are awful or indistinct.

Aside from occasionally amusing hammy performances from Geoffrey Rush and Famke Janssen, about the only thing 1999's “House on Haunted Hill” has going for it is some clever set design. The exterior of the institute and the main hall, with its distinctive stain glass window, look neat. Yet even this aspect of the film is buried under some comically overdone attempts at scares. William Malone directs so much of the movie as if he's making a Marilyn Manson music video. (Manson is given a prominent needle drop, to make the connection even more blatant.) This is most apparent during a scene where Rush is attacked by the house. Suddenly, there's naked women crouching in a dirty room while blood runs down them, what looks like antiquated dental equipment strapped to people's heads, and pasty-faced ghouls doing the “Jacob's Ladder” head bop. That's a trick Malone repeats multiple times. It's, at best, trite. At worst, it's unintentionally comical, such as when we are greeted to a vision of the evil doctor's ghost dressed as a magician for some reason.

Honestly, for most of “House on Haunted Hill's” run time, I was ready to declare it simply mediocre. As obnoxious as Malone's style is, at least it's a style. Clearly, some money and talent were spent on the production design. I like the little caskets some guns are presented in. And, hey, Jeffrey Combs got a paycheck as the silent mad doctor. Yet, in its last act, the remake piles on some truly atrocious CGI and features one of the dumbest plot points a haunted house movie can rely on: A dead character returning as a helpful ghost. The remake was enough of a success to prompt a few other Dark Castle releases, several of which follow this one's formula of indistinct characters wandering around stylized sets. The studio even included a William Castle style gimmick, in the forms of scratch-off cards included with tickets. Yet any attempt to reclaim this one as an unfairly maligned gem is misguided. Malone's “House on Haunted Hill” replicates none of the charm of the original. [4/10]

Blackenstein (1973)

Some things are inevitable. Once “Blacula” successfully combined the evergreen horror genre with the early seventies blaxploitation trend, someone had to do it. Just as Karloff as Frankenstein followed Lugosi's Dracula, just as FrankenBerry pursued Count Chocula, it was destiny that “Blackenstein” would appear in the aftermath of “Blacula.” The only thing that surprises me about “Blackenstein's” existence is that AIP didn't make it themselves. Instead, the Black Frankenstein was the brainchild of first-time director William A. Levey and only-time screenwriter/producer Frank L. Saletri. While “Blacula” would become a beloved cult classic, “Blackenstein” is remembered mostly for its outrageous title.

Physicist Winifred goes to work with her old professor, Dr. Stein, as he does experimental research into re-growing limbs. This especially interests Winifred, because her boyfriend Eddie lost his arms and legs after stepping on a landmine in Vietnam. Eddie immediately agrees to the treatment and his limbs are successfully regrown. Yet the experiment has the side effect of turning him into a shambling, neanderthal-bridged monster. He sneaks out at night to murder anyone in his way. Dr. Stein attempts to keep the truth from Winifred but, as the police begin to suspect what might be responsible for the ghastly murders, she discovers that her lover has been turned into Blackenstein.

The blaxploitation movement included films that were subversive, allowing marginalized voices a chance to speak their truth to an under-represented audience. It also included effortlessly entertaining exploitation movies that knew to give audiences exactly what they wanted. Of course, there were also people happy to capitalize on a popular trend, concerned only with turning a buck and not producing anything of quality. “Blackenstein” undoubtedly falls into the latter most category. In fact, “Blackenstein” is often hilariously awkward and unprofessional. Long stretches of the film are devoted to the the titular monster awkwardly shambling around in overly dark areas. The camera frequently affixes itself to the creature's face, as he blankly stares ahead and growling noises play on the soundtrack. The camerawork is frequently awkward. The acting is almost universally wooden. Joe De Sue, as the title creature, is especially inexpressive.

From any sort of critical perspective, you can only call “Blackenstein” a bad movie. The writing and story construction are often clumsy. Dr. Stein's Igor-like assistant has a crush on Winifred, a subplot that adds little. The movie pauses for a lengthy night club sequence that showcases a rambling, stilted stand-up comic. This proceeds a performance of the film's fleetingly funky theme song. Almost all the murder scenes take place off-screen, Blackenstein dismembering his victims and leaving rubbery, chunky remains. Many scenes are unintentionally hilarious, such as the male nurse that badgers Eddie in the V.A. hospital or one of Dr. Stein's other patients growing a tiger-stripped leg. No scene in “Blackenstein” is more awkward and amusing than its anti-climatic ending. After a brief confrontation between the monster, his creator, and his love interest, Blackenstein is killed off by some police dogs seconds before the credits roll.

Ultimately, “Blacula” worked because it smartly contrasted social issues facing black Americans with classic monster movie tropes. “Blackenstein” seems only vaguely aware of these connections. The story of a black man, being crippled after fighting a white government's unjust war, only to be mistreated and mutated into a monster by the same system, seems ripe with social commentary. How many black men went off to Vietnam only to return addicted to drugs, abused by a racist system, or otherwise transformed into a “monster” by their war injuries? Similarly, the movie repeatedly features the image of a black man abducting white women, which could've been an ironic invocation of racist “where da white women at?” fear mongering. Instead, “Blackenstein' simply let's these moments exist within a story more concerned with rehashing classic horror clichés than commenting on the problems facing black audiences. The movie doesn't even have the good sense to let Blackenstein rough up some white cops, by far the most cathartic element of “Blacula.”

And yet... As half-assed and janky as “Blackenstein” is, I just can't hate this movie. It's mad scientist movie sets are colorful. It's frequently hilarious, though by no means intentionally. It's sleazy ambiance, utterly incompetent acting, and amateurish writing can do nothing but charm me. I'm forced to declare this one so bad, it's good. By the way, Frank L. Saletri would be murdered in an apparent gang land executions years later. William A. Levey, meanwhile, went on to gift us with cinematic masterpieces “Monaco Forever” and “Hellgate.” Of course, several other blaxploitation/horror hybrids would follow but, disappointingly, someone has yet to actually make “The Bunchblack of Blotre Blame.” [7/10]

The Hitchhiker: Killer

Yesterday, I reviewed an anthology episode called “The Hitch-Hiker.” Today, I review an episode from anthology series “The Hitchhiker.” Funny how that worked out, isn't it? Anyway, “Killer” – every source lists it as “The Killer” but the in-episode tittle card leaves off the declarative article – follows Meg, a wheelchair bound woman living with her rich family in a large mansion. After an argument with her parents, Meg finds herself seemingly alone in the home. As she travels through the building, she discovers dead bodies all around her. A murderer has entered the house and shot-gunned everyone to death. Now, Meg is the sole survivor and must escape the lurking killer... Or, at least, that's what seems to be happening.

“Killer” was directed by Carl Schenkel, with cinematography by Reginald H. Morris, who was also the D.P. on “Black Christmas.” You can definitely see this pedigree in this episode. This is visually got a stylish half-hour. There's lots of shots on the small details, as the protagonist sneaks through the house. The night time photography contributes to the isolated ambiance. This combines with a script that is largely dialogue free, allowing the audience to focus on the noises Meg makes as she tries to hide from the intruder. The result builds suspense quickly, the audience focused on nothing more than a vulnerable heroine trying to escape the killer stalking her. It's a classic slasher flick set-up and “Killer” exploits nicely.

In fact, the script cuts the set-up down to the barest elements. We learn almost nothing about Meg. What she's fighting with her family about is only hinted at. We don't even know why her parents own such a fancy house. Despite that, Jenny Seagrove makes her a compelling protagonist. Like any slasher final girl, she's got an internal strength to stand up to the man that is threatening her. Says a lot about Seagrove that she has that quality we can instantly root for. It's a shame all of that is thrown away for a twist ending that is easy to predict anyway. Up to that point, “Killer” is an effective intense half-hour. I can see why it's the top-rated episode of “The Hitchhiker” on IMDb. It's a shame Paige Fletcher as the titular host is such a wet blanket. [7/10]

The Munsters: Cyrano De Munster / The Musician

Some more classic sitcom scenarios are explored in this batch of “Munsters” episode. As the title suggests, “Cyrano De Munster” has Herman becoming the ghost writer for Clyde, a co-worker too shy to approach the girl he likes. Clyde is so nervous around women that he even insists Herman comes along with him on dates, hiding in the bushes and feeding him poems on the spot. When Lily discovers the poetry and assumes Herman is cheating, shenanigans ensue. “The Musician” involves Eddie being assigned the trumpet in his music class. He clearly doesn't have much talent with the instrument but Herman remains proud of his son, insisting he practice. Grandpa decides to give Eddie a boost with some magic of his.

For an episode revolving around a character we've never met before, “Cyrano De Munster” works pretty well. I guess a love-struck guy desperate to impress the woman he's enamored with is a universal situation. Chet Stratton also has the right mixture of nerdiness and vulnerability to make the character likable. Herman being a talented poet is a good example of how much of a simpleton he is depending on whatever the writers need. I don't much care for the subplot about Lily getting upset with her husband. Though it does lead to a decent pay-off, even if it's the exact gag you expect from this show. Once again, the cast sells it all. Fred Gwynne and Al Lewis' bickering during a scene, where Herman gets inspiration in the bath, made me laugh. As did Butch Patrick's low-key delivery on a line about spelling.

I figured “The Musician” was going to be another episode about Herman and Grandpa's opposing approaches to success. Herman wants Eddie to practice, Grandpa cooks up a magic potion to immediately make the boy talented. Instead of character driven laughs, the episode veers towards extremely dated gags about Grandpa accidentally turning Eddie into a jive-talking hipster. As goofy as this moment is, Butch Patrick and Fred Gwynne make it work because their delivery of the silly dialogue is so amusing. This episode is also notable as one of the few times John Carradine appears on-screen as Mr. Gateman. His dry delivery, emphasizing how humorless the funeral home director is, makes for a few good laughs. There's also a great gag where Lily is cooking an uncooperative iguana for dinner. [Cyrano de Munster: 7/10 / The Musician: 7/10]