Halloween 2021: October 3rd

Friday the 13th (2009)

After "Freddy Vs. Jason's" decade in development hell ended and the movie opened to killer box office, it really seemed like "versus" movies were going to become the next horror trend. It was enough to finally get "Alien Vs. Predator" into theaters but most of these proposed crossovers – a Freddy/Jason rematch featuring Ash, Michael Myers fighting Pinhead, the incongruous match-up of Candyman and Leprechaun – would die on the vine. Instead, another fad would soon come to dominate the horror scene of the mid-2000s: Remakes. After Platinum Dunes' remake of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" became a massive hit, it was only a matter of time before New Line Cinema licensed its other horror icons to Michael Bay's production company. Likely in hopes of recreating past successes, Damian Shannon and Mark Swift, of "Freddy Vs. Jason," provided the script with Marcus Nispel, of the "Chainsaw" remake, directing. The new film was a hit with audiences but remains divisive among the ever-discerning "Friday the 13th" fan base. 

Instead of adapting any of the previous movies, Nispel's film smartly combines elements from the original four entries. The plot largely draws on “The Final Chapter,” as it concerns a group of young people partying on the edge of Crystal Lake while an outsider looks for his missing sister. Jason wears a sack on his head, as in part two, before receiving his iconic hockey mask. This is not the only shout-out to “Friday the 13th Part 3-D,” as the brute is also strung up in a noose later. The climax also has a final girl fooling Jason into thinking she's his mom, another shout-out to the second movie. There's also a brief prologue, in 1980, showing Mrs. Voorhees – played by a histrionic Nana Visitor – being decapitated and little Jason discovering her body. (Why she was on a rampage if her son was alive is a question we aren't meant to ask, as in the original.) Considering “Friday the 13th's” mythology has always been built on these things happening within the established slasher formula, it was smart of the remake just to mix these different ideas together. 

As someone who has always hated most of Platinum Dunes' remakes, I went into their “Friday the 13th” with extreme skepticism. The movie is certainly not free from the studio's trademarks. Each of the actors are model pretty. Bulging pectorals, six pack abs, breast implants, and perfectly clear skin are common features among the cast. Much like Nispel's “Texas Chainsaw” movie, the visuals here are both gritty and dirty while being incredibly slick. The camera work lapses into shakiness form time to time as well. Yet Nispel's “Friday the 13th” is superior to his “Chainsaw” because it has a sense of humor and sexiness to it. The movie delights in the naked flesh of both its male and female stars, with sweaty, extended sex scenes that approach genuine eroticism. That makes the insistence on the entire movie looking like a car commercial feel more justifiable. 

As for the humor, it emerges from the ridiculous characters. Swift and Shannon's screenplay makes no attempt to resist stereotypes. The teens slip easily into understood roles: The good girl and her sexually active counterpart, the horny couple, the stoner, the prankster, the black guy. The dialogue they trade – Lawrence pretending to be offended when one of the girls assumes he's into rap music or anything that comes out of Chewie's mouth – is bad. But in an endearingly dumb way. This is also true of the hick who gets overly familiar with a mannequin and a porno magazine. The shining example of this sincere but bungled attempt at memorable character is Trent. Trent is an asshole. He's needlessly antagonistic to everyone around him. The minute his girlfriend – the somewhat charming Amanda Righetti – walks away, he's fucking the stacked blonde. (And trading dreadful dirty talk.) Travis Van Winkle embodies the “rich douchebag” aesthetic. Whether the Jason fodder is terrible or entertaining is a matter of opinion, though they're all more interesting than the incredibly bland Jared Padalecki and Danielle Panabaker as the heroic siblings.

What also distinguishes 2009's “Friday” from Platinum Dunes' other horror films is that it's actually attempting to be scary. While the company's Leatherface flicks offered nothing but mean-spirited sadism and their “Amityville Horror” piled on the jump-scares, “Friday the 13th” is trying to build tension. A topless water-skier hides under a pier, hoping she is unseen while Jason stomps overhead. This is not the only time the characters hide while the brutish killer lurks near-by. While actual suspense is never quite generated, I appreciate the attempt to create some grim tension. This is matched with some truly ferocious murder sequences. Jason slamming his machete into a guy's head or driving a fire-poker through an eye is brutal. It's a meaner breed of slashery than what the franchise usually trades in, evident in moments when Jason slowly drives a screwdriver through someone's neck or slams a body down on an axe. Yet that fits the overall aggressive tone of this Jason.

Yes, this Jason is a pissed-off brute who will do anything to exterminate the kids on his land. He lays out bear traps, dangles a sleeping bags over fire, and uses a screaming victim as bait. Considering pop culture too often reduces Jason to just a backwoods lunatic, it's nice to see the remake invest him with such a cold cunning. He's also able to get the drop on his victims via a series of underground tunnels throughout the forest, a clever explanation. (Though I question the logic in a mineshaft being so close to a lake.) Derek Mears plays Jason as a brutal force of nature, who is utterly remorseless. Even though some hockey-heads accuse the film's Jason of being out-of-character, because he takes a prisoner, the movie has the utmost respect for its masked murderer. Nispel's direction makes sure he's never less than intimidating and there's a clear sense of awe around him and his iconic mask. 

Ultimately, 2009's “Friday the 13th” is severely dumb and needlessly mean-spirited at times. Yet some atmospheric shots of the camp at night, a bad-ass Jason, some funny moments, and clever murder scenes go a long way. The producers were eager to launch a franchise and the 92 million gross, against a 19 million dollar budget, seemed to make it likely... But squabbling between New Line and Paramount led to a sequel being shelved indefinitely. A new Jason movie would then go into endless turnaround, with new reboots (including an excellent sounding take from David Bruckner) always getting canned at the last minute. With an endless lawsuit now tying up the rights, it remains unknown when a thirteenth “Friday the 13th“ will emerge. Until then, the 2009 film provides a satisfying round of bloodshed that is equal parts slick, sadistic, and goofy. If nothing else, it could've been a lot worst. [7/10]

First Men in the Moon (1964)

I've written before about Ray Harryhausen, certainly the most beloved of the special effects artists of the golden age of Hollywood fantastique cinema. My favorite of the films Harryhausen worked on are the black-and-white rampaging creatures movies he made in the fifties. Yet the series of science fiction and fantasy movies he lent his Dynamation effects to in the years afterwards are also widely beloved among genre fans... Though some of them are better remembered than others. If “Jason and the Argonauts” is a towering classic that has been endlessly referenced over the years, “First Men in the Moon” is hardly mentioned at all, even among classic monster movie nerds. Let's see if we can figure out why that is?

In 1964, the combined efforts of the United States, the U.S.S.R., and England lands on the moon. The astronauts soon uncover an aged British flag and a hand-written note, mentioned a woman named Catherine Callender and claiming the moon for Queen Victoria. The government soon track down 99 year old Arnold Bedford, the late Miss Callender's husband. He tells a fantastical story of how, in the spring of 1899, he became friends with eccentric genius Professor Cavor. Cavor has invented a substance which, when applied to an object, removed gravity's effects upon it. He has built a spherical spacecraft and intends to use his “Cavorite” to take the vessel to the moon. Arnold and his wife Catherine, quite unexpectedly, join Cavor on this journey Upon landing on the lunar surface, they encounter a race of strange insect-like aliens whose intentions are difficult to decipher. 

 

“First Men in the Moon” – not on the moon, as I often misremember it being – is most interesting as a sci-fi story about first contact between civilizations. Bedford and Cavor's approach to the moon men, known as Selenites, represents two very different ways of greeting new cultures. Cavor seeks a peaceful meeting, fascinated by the strange species, hoping to learn their ways and teach them his own. Bedford, on the other hand, immediately punches the Selenites and throws them off a bridge. Later, he begins to shoot them with the elephant gun his wife packed. It's been said before that any meeting between a primitive culture and a more advanced one will result in violence. “First Men in the Moon” boils that idea down to its two extreme, with its male explorers reacting with either total curiosity or unreasonable fear and violence. 

Unfortunately, every interesting idea “First Men in the Moon” has is undone by its frequently childish approach. The movie is badly hampered by a goofy sense of humor. Bedford is introduce to the cavorite after floating towards the ceiling, leading to some pratfalls. Cavor also has an unexplained love of geese. Later, Catherine sneaks chickens into the space sphere as a food, as they've been living off sardines the entire trip. But Cavor despises chickens. This leads to the bizarre image of the feathered fowls floating up through the sphere in slow-motion. There's also an embarrassingly broad sequence of the sphere getting tossed around space, heading towards the sun. (As always, sci-fi writers have no concept of scale.) The worst scene in the movie is, shortly after arriving on the moon, Cavor's space suit runs low on oxygen. He gets drunkenly giddy afterwards, Lionel Jeffires' performance becoming far too clownish in this moment.

Disappointingly, this lame humor is the focus of the movie's first half. The Selenites don't really appear on-screen until an hour or so into the movie. In several scenes, they are played by actors in relatively convincing rubber masks. The Harryhausen effects don't appear until a little while after that. Luckily, the last third features plenty of cool stop-motion effects. The Mooncalf, the enormous centipede-like creatures the Selenites hunt, are brought to life beautifully. There's a really cool sequence of a Selenite scientist reflecting through a looking glass, animated fluidly by Harryhausen. The finale features the chief of the Selenite, encased in a shimmering energy dome, interrogating Cavor with a distorted voice. That's a neat image. Aside from Harryhausen's typically excellent work, the movie also features some pretty cool production design. The Selenites build their underground city from crystals, making for some memorable images.

“First Men in the Moon” is definitely on the more marginal side of the horror genre. Those giant Mooncalfs, looking like an especially angry caterpillar, are fairly intimidating. Otherwise, this is a light-hearted sci-fi flick, probably mostly targeted at young kids. Relegating Harryhausen's stop-motion work to the backseat of the movie is definitely disappointing. Especially when obnoxious comedy and a slightly asshole-ish hero are in the front seat. All of these reasons and more are probably why “First Men in the Moon” is not mentioned as often as Harryhausen's other creature features from around the same time. [6/10]

Circle of Fear: Graveyard Shift

Last October, I watched an episode of “Ghost Story,” an obscure seventies horror anthology series, and enjoyed it. This year, I'm watching an episode from the second half of the series. That's when the title was changed to “Circle of Fear” and host Sebastian Cabot was dropped, in an attempt to improve ratings. “Graveyard Shift” follows Fred, a former bit player in horror movies who was forced into retirement after injuring his leg in a stunt. In order to provide for his pregnant wife, he's given a job as a night shift security guard at a soon-to-be torn down sound stage. He soon begins to hear and see strange things. His wife is affected by the haunting too, the characters from Fred's old horror movies seemingly targeting her... And their unborn child. 

The reason I singled out “Graveyard Shift,” out of the “Circle of Fear” batch of “Ghost Story” episodes, is because it stars John Astin and his real life wife, Patty Duke. Duke and Astin's obvious chemistry adds a lot more layers to their scenes together. Early moments of them cuddling and kissing gets you immediately invested in these characters, even if not much actual time is spent on their relationship. “Graveyard Shift” is essentially a story of a man in a mid-life crisis, forced to choose between his future as a father and husband or his youthful past as a star of monster movies, which comes to literal life. There's a decent amount of depth there, to the point that you totally believe Astin's character when he immediately takes the fight to the ghosts that threaten his family.

As for the supernatural element, it's just a little bit on the cheesy side. The premise, of a bunch of a fictional characters coming to life to protect the soundstage they were filmed on, is a really neat idea. The execution – which has a rubbery werewolf and a Halloween mask grim reaper rubbing shoulders as transparent spectres – leaves something to be desired. The program's co-producer William Castle drops by for a cameo, which is cool even if his character has some of the episode's worst exposition. There's also an interesting moment where a reel of film springs to life to wrap itself around Astin's legs. I don't know if “Graveyard Shift” is the best hour that could've been made from this material but it's still a fairly entertaining program. If you can excuse some of the stiffness and cheesiness that is inevitably part of any seventies television show. [7/10]

Godzilla Singular Point: Together

I've long since given up on “Godzilla Singular Point” coming to any sort of satisfying conclusion but here we are anyway. The season finale splits its story across two locations. In India, the kaiju Salunga attacks the SHIVA Compound. Deep underground, Mei and Pero-2 attempt to hack the Super Calculator and solve Aishihara's formula, before the Catastrophe begins. In Tokyo, Yun and Jet Jaguar drive into the heart of Tokyo. They plan to deliver the Orthogonal Diagonalyzer, stop Godzilla, and turn the Red Dust into its solidified form. Yet everyone is running out of time. Heroic sacrifices are made and last minute miracles are pulled off as the heroes fight to save the world.

By this point. “Singular Point” has abandoned any sense of forward momentum or character development in its story. When Yun's brother and grandfather seemingly sacrifice their lives to make sure Jet Jaguar makes it towards Godzilla, it means nothing. We no longer care about these characters, if we ever did in the first place. This is a show strictly about ideas, not people. There's no tension in the question of whether Mei and her robot friend can unravel the incomprehensible ball of physics at the convoluted plot's center. By this point, this shit is so far over anyone's head that it is indistinguishable from magic. The finale of “Singular Point” features time travel and a homage to a particular robot's Showa era size-shifting abilities. No matter how hard the script tries to justify this stuff with its nonsensical science, it can't disguise the fact that it's all a sloppy deus ex machina. 

Even in this climatic episode, Godzilla himself barely appears. It says a lot about how little “Singular Point” cares about the kaiju genre that Godzilla is just a lumbering plot device. He has no personality or sense of purpose. If he's meant to represent anything, about nuclear weapons or nature, it's lost among the show's endless technobabble. There are some neat action scenes here. Like Jet Jaguar fighting off some Rodans. Or a group of Kumonga existing as parasites on Godzilla's back. But the final fight is incredibly anticlimactic, as “Singular Point's” needlessly complex plot is resolved in a rushed, incoherent burst of information. This is a “Godzilla” anime where a cartoon dog piloting a cartoon boat backwards through time is more important than how much of Tokyo the giant monster has destroyed. 

What's most depressing about “Singular Point's” ending is that... It's seemingly not the ending! “Together” concludes by teasing the arrival of another iconic kaiju. By the way, that creature is brought to life through traditional animation. Several moments throughout “Together” abandon the gimmick of depicting the monsters with CGI. And it looks fine each time, making me wonder why they just didn't do that in the first place. Assuming the series is given a second season – I sincerely hope it is not – this ending is presumably the first of several teases before this creature actually does anything interesting. If it ever does anything.

Much like Polygon's CGI trilogy of “Godzilla” films, “Singular Point” doesn't actually care about Toho's iconic monsters or what they represent. Both “Godzilla” anime are totally preoccupied with their own deeply boring, utterly impractical lore. In some ways, I'm actually more disappointed in “Singular Point” than the Polygon movies. Those features were never going to be good, because they were about space elves or whatever. “Singular Point” actually had some promising ideas, some exciting sequences, characters that could've been endearing. Instead, everything is buried in an endless barrage of theoretical ideas that are interesting to the show runners and absolutely no one else. Whenever Toho tries to make another “Godzilla” anime, I hope they give it to someone who is actually invested in Godzilla and his monstrous gang and not just using them to tell some other story they wanted to tell. [5/10]