Halloween 2024: September 20th

Children of the Corn (2009)

All things considered, I think Stephen King has had a fairly relaxed attitude towards the many adaptations of his work. He's claimed, on and off, to try and see most of the movies inspired by his writing. Usually, he doesn't have too many negative things to say about them... But there are exceptions. Aside from his long-standing grudge against Kubrick's "The Shining," King did say in a 2016 interview that he "could do without all the Children of the Corn sequels." When it was announced that someone was remaking the original film, I'm sure King was far from thrilled. (Though probably happy to cash the check.) Writer/director Donald P. Borchers promised utmost fidelity to the source material, up to using some of the author's original dialogue. This is probably why King is credited as a co-writer on 2009's "Children of the Corn," something I assumed the Maine scribe had to sign off on. Despite the good intentions, the new "Children" would bypass theaters much the same way all the previous follow-ups did, suffering the indignity of debuting on the Syfy Channel.

The biggest difference between this "Children of the Corn" and all the previous ones is that it's a period piece. Otherwise, tell me if this sounds familiar: In 1963, the children of Gatlin, Nebraska are driven into a religious frenzy. They murder all the adults in the town and begin worshipping a corn-fixated deity called He Who Walks Behind the Rows. Twelve years pass. Married couple Burt and Vicky, on the verge of divorce, are passing through when they strike a child that's already been fatally wounded. They seek help in Gatlin but only find the homicidal children, drawn into the bizarre rituals that have overtaken the community. 

Yes, Borchers' "Children of the Corn" does intend follow King's original story quite closely. All the plot points are present, dropping basically in the same order they occur on the page. Minor details, like the couple picking up the Children's religious sermon on their car radio or Burt finding a book of names and dates in the town church, are maintained. However, King's story isn't that long. Instead of expanding on the events before or after what was on the page, Borchers largely pads the narrative out. Burt's history as a Vietnam veteran is given much more attention, to the point that he's having flashbacks when he's lost in the corn rows. We see a little bit more of the Children's occult activities, such as when two teenage members copulate in front of the congregation. Or when Isaac and Malachi briefly debate about what the outlanders' presence in the town means. Rather than being organic expansions of the story, additions like these instead feel like an attempt to stretch a twenty page story into a feature length screenplay. 

Another problem with being so faithful to the short story is that, as written by King, Burt and Vicky are not likable characters. They are introduced at each other's throats. Vicky is an activist teacher with a degree of religious trauma while Burt's history in the war has left him with an overly macho soldier persona. When they run down a kid, it only accelerates the problems they already have. Shortly after arriving in Gatlin, Burt is smacking Vicky and stealing the car keys from her so she won't abandon him. Not charming behavior! David Anders is suitably intense as Burt but he can't make the character's sudden swing into action hero theatrics – such as snapping a kid's arm – believable. Kandyse McClure, who previously appeared in another forgotten made-for-TV King remake, is striking as Vicky. However, the role is so shrewish that it's hard to have any sympathy for her. In fact, both of these characters are so petty and mean-spirited that you wonder why you are paying attention to them at all. 

This, somehow, is not the biggest problem with 2009's "Children of the Corn." Simply put, the kids aren't scary. Isaac is played by a fresh-faced moppet named Preston Bailey who wears a comically oversized hat. Despite his best efforts, the young Bailey comes off less as a charismatic cult leader and more like a child actor reading stiltedly off cue cards. This is true of a lot of the grade schoolers playing the cultists. One especially laughable scene has Malachi discussing He Who Walks Behind the Rows with a little towhead that has an adorable speech impediment. Another scene has a horde of armed kids standing back while Burt beats the crap out of some teenagers. The decision to make some of the older children – what's a nice way to say this? – noticeably cornfed emphasizes the silliness of this whole set-up. Killer kid movies are always a delicate balancing act and this "Children of the Corn" steps into the biggest pothole. Namely, little kids aren't inherently threatening by their very nature. 

Ultimately, 2009's "Children of the Corn" is a noble effort doomed to fail. There's some dodgy special effects, such as a very fake looking explosion. King's downbeat ending is maintained but played out in supremely silly, underwhelming fashion. The presence of some fake corpses with shiny white teeth doesn't help either. Sticking so closely to the story, which has a mystery-like structure, is also a bummer. We all know what this plot entails by now. The remake also largely downplays the folk horror elements of the tale in favor of focusing on the Bible-thumping puritan approach. Which is, I guess, scarier but definitely not as cool. One assumes this version was intended to overtake the 1984 film but it does mostly reuse Johnathan Elias' score... While also including a weird spaghetti western interlude and playing a dubstep remake of the original theme over the end credits. I could do without that, personally. Lacking the schlock appeal of the later sequels, this "Corn" shackles itself with limitations that keeps it from truly popping off. [5/10]

This is Not a Test (1962)

In October of 1962, in response to the U.S. government's failed invasion of the Bay of Pigs and under-the-table terrorism against the Communist government in Cuba, the Soviet Union deployed nuclear missiles to the island nation. A U.S. naval blockade of the Caribbean country followed, beginning what history now knows as the Cuban Missile Crisis. It was, most historians agree, the closest the world has yet come to full-fledge nuclear war. Before the crisis began in full force, the public was well aware of how hot tensions were between the superpowers. Around the same time AIP was making “Panic in Year Zero!,” an obscure filmmaker by the name of Fredric Gadette was putting together a very low-budget project with a similar theme. There's not much information about “This is Not a Test” out there. However, it seems the movie wasn't given a theatrical release in 1962, perhaps because its topic was considered too controversial in the aftermath of the Crisis. The movie would eventually make its way to television and now, thanks to its public domain status, is available almost everywhere. 

Set on a lonely backroad somewhere outside a major U.S. city, Deputy Sheriff Dan Colter receives an order to set up a blockade. Despite it being the middle of the night, several drivers soon park in front of the blockade. They include an old man and his teenage granddaughter, a married couple with their dog, a Beatnik con man and his alcoholic girlfriend, a young man riding a scooter, and a truck driver who happened to pick up a hitchhiking murderer. Everyone assumes that is the cause for the blockade at first. A darker truth is soon revealed though: The Cold War has gotten hot. Missiles are in-route to the United States. Deputy Colter assigns himself leader of the rag tag group, deciding they should empty out a storage container and take shelter inside. However, the situation only grows tenser as the night goes on.

Like I said, the production of “This Is Not a Test” is a mystery. It's the sole feature credit of director Gadette. His co-writers, Peter Abenheim and Betty Lasky, have similarly thin resumes. The cast is mostly composed of obscure actors, performers with bit parts in TV shows and some movies. Michael Greene, as the beatnik Joe Baragi, is the closest thing to a “name” in the film. This was his first movie. The biggest indicator of “This Is Not a Test's” low budget is the limited setting. The entire movie takes place on a lonely road and inside a shipping container. One imagines getting all these cars together was the most expensive part of the production. When combined with the movie mostly being made up of terse dialogue scenes, “This Is Not a Test” feels a lot like a stage play put to film. An ensemble cast that probably could've been cut by one or two characters certainly doesn't dissuade the feeling that you're watching a piece of community theater sometimes. 

If this might be the case, “This Is Not a Test” wouldn't necessarily be a bad piece of community theater. The film is decently shot, cinematographer Brick Marquard making good use of shadows in the limited settings. Moreover, the script has some interesting ideas inside it. “This is Not a Test” is primarily a movie about how people react differently when put in a hopeless situation. The husband, Sam, starts to panic immediately after hearing the news. His wife, Karen, decides to have a last minute affair with Al, the truck driver. Cheryl, the alcoholic, gets more shit-faced. Deputy Colter demands a sense of control, insisting that the laws must still be enforced even as the end seems imminent. Old man Jacob, meanwhile, has probably the most reasonable reaction. He sees that there's nothing much he can do, so he decides to wait out what remains of his time, giving some hope to the youths that might have a chance of surviving. Panic, hopelessness, a desperate bid to maintain order, serenity: All of these seem like reasonable reactions in the face of nuclear destruction.

As a thriller, “This is Not a Test” is most impressive for the way it depicts the inevitable breakdown society would see in this situation in microcosm. Clint, the murderer, is a nut case to begin with. When he's abandoned on the road, he smashes crates full of chickens and throws rocks at windshields. In contrast, Deputy Colter is a stern-faced figure of authority. This is a short-lived mask. His attempts to enforce his will, handcuffing the beatnik for one example, are clearly facile ways to make himself still feel strong in the face of a hopeless situation. After turning the trailer into a make-shift shelter, he starts to crack up quickly. When the appearance of looters threaten his sense of authority, Colter grows more and more unhinged. The intended message is probably that all systems of control are destined to fail in a World War III situation. From a modern perspective, it reads more like All Cops Are Bastards but especially during the end of the world as we know it. All shows of authority are temporary facades put up to enforce a sense of control on a world spiraling into madness. 

“This is Not a Test” is awkward at times. It drags during its middle stretch, despite a run time of only 72 minutes. When the group starts to bust out the booze to pass the time, you feel like the writers were trying to fill out the script a bit. The overly large cast is tricky to keep track of at times. Not all its subplots amount to much. Sometimes, I feel like this might have been better served as an episode of “The Twilight Zone” or something like that, with a smaller cast and a tighter pacing. However, the film is still quite interesting. As it builds towards a bleak and properly chilling ending, I was inclined to call it a hidden gem of sorts. If you've got a taste for low-budget thrillers from the early sixties with an end-of-the-world slant, give it a look. [7/10]

Ghost Story: The New House

I've watched four episodes of "Ghost Story," William Castle's short-lived attempt at doing his own "Night Gallery," and found them all to be quite good. Here's the pilot, "The New House." It introduces us to Winston Essex and his Manfields Hotel, whose guests always seem to encounter some supernatural menace. The episode concerns John Davis and his pregnant wife Eilleen. They've had a home built on Pleasant Hill. Upon moving in, Eileen hears strange sounds and feels like she's not alone. She does research into the location's history, learning that the town gallows used to operate there. And that the executed were buried right under where their home now resides. She's especially disturbed by the story of Thomasina Barros, an unjustly executed woman who let out an evil laugh before hanging. Are the stresses of pregnancy causing Eileen to hallucinate or is she being pursued by a ghost? 

William Castle famously produced "Rosemary's Baby," the greatest example of horror mined from the anxieties of pregnancy. Unlike most of the stories of this type, you get the impression that John truly does love his wife. Stars David Birney and Barbara Perkins share a sweet-natured chemistry. Unavoidably, John still dismisses his wife's fear as feminine hysteria. He seems annoyed by her insisting he investigate after she hears footsteps at night. He openly speculates that Eileen's mind is weakened by the effects of her impending motherhood, though at least he doesn't say that to her face. Eileen, meanwhile, is simply powerless to question her husband's logic. That it's all in her head and nothing is wrong. I would hope a modern woman would, upon hearing her new home had such a macabre history, have the gumption to tell her husband she's getting the hell out of there. "The New House" isn't that deep. Richard Matheson's script doesn't mine any tension or discomfort out of the all-too-common phenomenon of men thinking their clearly panicked wives are simply being silly, overly emotional creatures.

Because, of course, John is wrong. The house is most certainly haunted. There's never any ambiguity about that. The audience experiences Eileen hearing the sounds of Thomasina's execution coming from the radio or seeing the woman's last minute alive projected in her mirror. After she gives birth, and the haunting seemingly ceases, we can tell "Ghost Story" is revving back up for a shocking finale. It is a pretty good finale though. A thunderstorm rages outside, knocking the power out. The lightning strikes cast ominous shadows through the house. As Eileen is left alone, the ghostly figure of Thomasina emerges from the fog and hovers towards her. Not bad stuff! 

"The New House" doesn't have the righteous anger that yesterday's "The Exorcism" did. The ghost's backstory is only a plot device and leaves the last scare with far less power than it could've had. There's definitely something lacking from Sebastian Cabot's host segments too, though he has all the qualities you want from a horror host. "The New House" still sent a chilly little ripple down my spine, so it did its job. [7/10]

The Addams Family: The Addams Family Meet the VIPs

Gomez and Morticia almost cause an international incident in “The Addams Family Meet the VIPs.” Gomez is feeling a little glum, wrecking his toy trains not giving him the pleasure it usually does. Morticia suggests they invite Sam Harris, a U.S. diplomat, over for dinner. Harris, it so happens, is chaperoning two Soviet agents named Klarpe and Haan at that very moment. Tired of only getting the government approved version of America, the Russians demand to see an average American family as evidence of how the U.S. mistreats its citizens. They randomly pick a name out of the phonebook to visit. Naturally, they end up at the Addams Family residence. Despite Harris' insistence that they leave, Klarpe and Haan are soon baffled and impressed by what they see in this “average American family's” household. 

As I've observed recently, nearly every episode of “The Addams Family” features some sort of joke about a regular person getting freaked out or unsettled by the Addams' morbid ways. Usually, gags like these happen around other silliness but “Meet the VIPs” builds the entire episode around this set-up. As the Soviet visitors are led around the house, they are continuously exposed to more strange habits from the Addams. They gasps at Thing, Morticia's carnivorous plant Cleopatra, Lurch's strength, a disintegrator ray gun Pugsley has put together, so on and so forth. If there's any real variation on this set-up here, it's that Klarpe and Haan are not frightened exactly. Instead, they are impressed that average American citizen's have access to such miraculous abilities. 

Yes, “The Addams Family” did their part to ensure America's glorious victory in the Cold War. But is the episode funny? It certainly has its moments. The sequence where Gomez charges up Fester is memorably bizarre. Ted Cassidy gets some laughs in both of his role, when the Soviets try and peek at Thing and when Gomez asks Lurch to bring him a cigar. If nothing else, Vito Scotti and Stanley Adams are amusing as Klarpe and Haan, sporting Moe Howard haircuts and mumbling in absurd accents. It is odd that Sam Harris is treated like a previously established character, when we've never seen him before. I guess it wouldn't have made sense for usual foil Mr. Hilliard to be a school representative, a politician, and a government employee. By the way, Harris is played by Frank Wilcox, who also appeared on “The Munsters.” Considering Wilcox has over three hundred credits, perhaps this was inevitable. “The Addams Family Meets the VIPs” also marks the first time Morticia speaking French drives Gomez into a horny frenzy. The name of the family's pet piranhas are also revealed, as Tristan and Isolde. The more you know! [6/10]