RECENT WATCHES: Jaws 3-D (1983)

“Jaws 2” didn’t make as much money as “Jaws.” It still made a lot of money though. Enough that a third entry in the shark series was demanded. By this point, the producers already felt the “Jaws” formula had been exhausted. Balancing that against the first film’s already iconic quality, they floated the clever idea of making the third “Jaws” film a parody, entitled “Jaws 3, People 0.” A script, by John Hughes and his National Lampoon cohorts, was written and Joe Dante was chosen to direct. However, the studio brass nixed this idea. Instead, a third, straight “Jaws” film was thrown together. In order to cash in on the brief 3-D revival at the time, “Jaws 3” became “Jaws 3-D.” 

Some time after the events of “Jaws 2,” Mike Brody and his younger brother Sean leave Amity Island. You’d think the Brody boys would never want to lay eyes on water again. Apparently not, as Mike gets a job as an engineer at Florida’s SeaWorld. Sean, the slacker of the two, merely hangs around SeaWorld, despite having a phobia of the water. All is well until, once again, history repeats itself. A giant great white shark swims into SeaWorld and begins to eat people, create chaos, and ruin quite a few family vacations. 

“Jaws 2” was derivative of the first film and not very interesting. At least it had some sort of heart and soul, mostly thanks to Roy Scheider. “Jaws 3-D,” on the other hand, is dumb as hell. Even the corporate studio stooges who made this movie realized a shark attacking Amity Island a third time was a bit too much. (The sequel is the sole directorial credit of Joe Alves, the production designer on the first two "Jaws" movies.) However, the idea they cooked up instead is equally unlikely. A giant shark operating undetected in a location as tightly organized and controlled as a theme park is utterly implausible. The reason why the shark swims into SeaWorld is even dumber. About halfway through, the film’s heroes are attacked by a normal sized shark, which is successfully captured and put on display. At this point, I’m thinking “There’s no way this is Jaws!” And, naturally, it isn’t. This shark is a baby and the giant is its mother. When the baby shark inevitably dies, the larger great white’s rampage is one of personal revenge. Gee whiz, I didn’t know sharks could hold grudges. Or personally raised their young, for that matter.

Not helping matters is the generic cast of characters. Dennis Quaid, always a leading actor whose charisma can vary from project to project, plays Mike as a bland and boring hero. He has a standard story arc with his girlfriend, dolphin trainer Kay. He has to leave the country for work and she wants him to stay. The rest of the characters are similarly forgettable. Sean, and most everyone else, seems preoccupied with getting laid. Much of the cast is just shark fodder, introduced seconds before being eaten. Even the park owner is in the same mold as Amity Island’s mayor, a man obsessed with the bottom line and disinterested if human lives are threatened by this.

It’s hard to even enjoy “Jaws 3-D” as a trashy horror movie. The special effects, simply put, look like shit. The shark in the first two movies looked artificial but in a way that enhanced its power. It didn’t look like a normal shark because it wasn’t one. It was more than just a simple animal. This shark, however, looks like an awkward, stiff puppet. Since the script calls for the shark to do more stuff then last time, this is all-the-more obvious. The 3-D effects, which the whole movie was sold on, look particularly bad. A severed arm, obviously fake, floats weirdly in the water, protruding towards the camera. A sequence in an underwater tunnel is especially lame, the people inside clearly not being in the same area as the giant shark. 

The last act features the worst scenes yet. Getting a P.O.V. shot of someone being eaten by the shark is a neat concept. However, instead of being torn apart by rows of teeth, he lays inside the fish’s throat, while the jaws flop around. Eventually, the muscle seem to crush him. The absolute lowest visual effect is when the shark smashes the window of a control room. In slow motion, it lunges towards the room, in a robotic, sluggish fashion. The nose pierces the glass, sending huge cartoon shards flying into the room. Once again, Bruce (Brucina?) is exploded, this time with an improbably placed grenade. Its severed jaws float towards the audience, as if suspended on fishing wire. This goofy-as-fuck finale is the only time “Jaws 3-D” comes close to being unintentionally hilarious. Well, Lou Gosset Jr.’s sweaty, street lingo-spouting performance is pretty funny too.

“Jaws 3-D” is not a good movie. “Jaws 3-D” is not even a good-bad movie, for the most part. Mostly, “Jaws 3-D” is just a boring and incompetent movie. It’s a film that makes the mediocre “Jaws 2” seem nuanced and exciting in comparison. As poor as the finished product turned out to be, I think the initial plan to make a parody was the right decision. That might have been interesting. There was no more depths to search, no more blood to drained out of this shark’s tooth. This fish was fried, all dried up, out of water, and any other pun you can think of. [4/10]