Last of the Monster Kids

Last of the Monster Kids
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Sunday, February 26, 2017


8:20 - Welcome to Film Thoughts' eighth annual Academy Awards live blog!

8:25 - In the run-up to tonight's ceremony, I originally had planned to watch a number of other films. Sadly, I've had a terrible sinus infection over the last seven days. I did get to see "20th Century Women" and "A Man Called Ove" and thought both were great but didn't have it in me to writer reviews. I didn't even get a chance to watch the short film nominees, like I always do.

8:30 - All of that aside, we are finally heading into the ceremony itself. Will there be lots of glamour? Will "La La Land" walk away with everything or will the backlash be strong enough for something else to emerge as the big winner? Let's find out. Here we go.

And here's Justin Timberlake. Why not start with a dance party?

8:32 - While Justin shimmies on-stage, let's look forward to roughly one hundred political speeches and Jimmy Kimmel cracking lots of bad jokes. I've got booze. Come drink with me.

8:34 - Michael Shannon's barely dancing!

That was a perfectly fine opening segment.

8:36 - Not sure what to make of Justin's pensive stares...

Because he hates the Jew, you know.

8:37 - Is a Matt Damon joke in-coming? Yeah, that's about the level of humor I was expecting.

8:38 - Though some people have said "The Great Wall" actually isn't too bad but who's keeping track?

Every time someone makes a joke about "La La Land" and jazz, I'm taking a shot.

8:40 - Oooh, that "happy ending" joke went over great. Sadly, a lot of Academy voters seem so apathetic about the actual Awards that a lot of them probably did not watch "Moonlight."

8:42 - Okay, we get it, dude. Nobody actually watches the nominated movies.

All right, I appreciate the digs at Streep though.

8:43 - Kimmel kids but I really do believe that Meryl gets nominated out of habit at this point. 

8:44 - Here we go with Best Supporting Actor and the first montage of the night. Sure to be one of many tonight. Ali still seems to be the favorite to win. Let's see how wrong I am, right out of the gate.

Miss Vikander, soon to be slumming her way through "Tomb Raider."

8:47 - "Hell or High Water," sure to be the best film nominated tonight that won't win anything.

8:48 - I'm rooting for Shannon but this doesn't appear to be his year. Unless it is. I'm usually wrong.

Eh, there's always next year, Mike. Not to take away from Ali, who did give a wonderful performance.

8:52 - That was a bit heavy on the "thank yous" but not bad as first speeches of the night go. I wonder if 'Moonlight" will actually walk away with any other awards?

I genuinely did like "La La Land" but seem many film fans picked "Moonlight" as their actual favorite film of the year.

8:54 - By the way, Kimmel has gotten me to laugh about six times so he's already doing better then I expected.

8:56 - Oh, Jimmy. I never have hope for the Oscars.

Lean into the microphone, Jason.

"A Man Called Ove" was a fantastic film, very funny and touching.

8:58 - Oh man, I'm sure there are so many people overjoyed that "Suicide Squad" can now call itself an OSCAR WINNING FILM.

9:00 - And there was my first shot for someone mentioning immigration in a speech and my first shot for someone getting played off stage. Off to a great start.

I loved the costumes in "Jackie" but its odds aren't looking great.

9:02 - "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them:" Pretty good for a franchise entry no one is going to remember in ten years. The costumes were... Fine?

9:07 - I wouldn't exactly call it a great year for comic book movies. About average but what do I know? I'm not hosting the Oscars.

9:08 - The only Documentary nominations I got to see where "13th" and "Life, Animated." Both pretty good! I was going to watch " O.J.: Made in America" but, seriously guys, its seven hours long.

9:09 - Janelle Monae's dress is creating some pretty strong feelings in me.

9:11 - Not surprised "O.J.: Made in America" won but am still uncertain about the prospects of programming obviously designed for television sneaking into the Academy's territory.

9:13 - "Sorry," said the Oscars to the nice lady on-stage, "you don't get to say anything."

9:14 - It must be hard for Dwayne Johnson to find a tuxedo that fits him.

9:15 - As soon as I saw "Moana," I knew "How Far I'll Go" was going to get the nomination but, seriously you guys, "Shiny" was the best song in that movie.

9:17 - I hope the dancers waving those blue sheets got paid a lot.

9:19 - Auli'i did well. I couldn't have hit those high notes.

ABC has been promoting this Walmart receipt commercial thing super hard all night. That's my cue to go to the bathroom, I think.

9:22 - Win a Student Academy award, get to hand more famous people small statues.

9:25 - Every time someone flubs a teleprompter line on the Oscars, the "Price is Right" trombone sound should play.

9:26 - Pharell is both baffled and amused by his bag of candy.

9:28 - To anybody who goes on about how they don't care about the Sound categories: Fuck you. Movies wouldn't function without these people. Respect their contributions.

"Arrival's" use of sound was great so it probably deserve this statue. I'm surprised something flashier and more explosion filled, like "Sully" or "La La Land," didn't win.

9:29 - Today's controversy about "13 Hours'" sound editing nomination is the most anyone has thought about this movie in nearly a year.

9:30 - Ah, so the explosion-y choice won sound editing. Very surprised "La La Land" hasn't picked up any technical awards yet.

9:31 - Aww, this is a nice speech. I would thank my mom too.

9:32 - I believe you mean "The Prophet Sting will take the stage," announcer lady.

9:38 - Vince, these Jackie Chan jokes are baffling and bizarre. Please stop. Give me that hot Fredrick Wiseman action.

9:40 - Oh right, Mark Rylance did win last year. I keep forgetting.

9:41 -  So this is Viola's year, right? I wish her probable win - assuming an upset for Naomie or Michelle isn't forthcoming - was for an actual Supporting role, instead of a part that was clearly leading.

9:43 - While watching "Lion," I totally picked that as Nicole Kidman's Oscar clip moment. Called it, you guys.

9:45 - Viola's win was long overdue. She's a spectacular actress and was great in "Fences," a movie I'm happy I'll never have to watch again.

"And that's the graveyard." Gee, way to bring the crowd down, Miss Davis.

9:53 - Alright, we're back. Kimmel is doing a shockingly good job hosting.

9:55 - Charlize Theron laying on a bed, eating German pickles, sounds like a dream I had once.

9:56 - Shirley Maclaine for Oscar Host 2018.

Had a chance to see the other three Foreign Film nominees but just didn't get to them. It's been a hard week.

9:58 - As soon as Trump pulled his bullshit, "The Saleman's" win was guaranteed. It's a protest vote, no doubt. By all accounts, all five films were excellent - the two I saw were - so it's no foul. 

10:00 - It was so nice for Dev Patel to give a synopsis of a nominated movie that nobody knows anything about.

10:06 - I've got to tell you guys, the commercial breaks have been more painful this year then the actual ceremony. Are all of ABC's new shows terrible?

10:07 - Apparently Hailee Steinfeld has a side career as a pop star. Glad she's working.

10:09 - Hey, "Piper," the only one of the nominated animated shorts I've seen won. It's pretty cute but I wish I could've seen the others.

10:10 - *scathing anti-Trump statement* "Anyway, here's the nominees for Best Animated Feature."

10:11 - I was really hoping "Kubo" would pull off an upset but "Zootopia" has been the favorite to win pretty much from the beginning. Maybe Laika will win someday, assuming the Academy voters ever pull their heads out of their asses and watch something that isn't made by Disney or Pixar.

10:13 - The "Zootopia" had the best play-off of the night, so far.

10:14 - I had to look up who these two are. Oh! There the "50 Shades" couple!

And here's "La La Land's" first win of the night. I may be wrong about everything else but I bet it's not the last award it wins.

10:16 - That was a pretty good speech but, fuck you, we've got to make room for this terrible tour bus gag.

10:20 - Okay, this tour bus gag might have been worth for that interaction with Denzel. That woman's effervescent joy at getting to meet her favorite actor was awfully sweet.

10:23 - A "Special Oscars edition of Mean Tweets" is kind of what I was dreading Kimmel's entire hosting gig would be like.

10:28 - These foreign people have pretty boring taste in film. Except for the guy who said "Young Frankenstein." He can come over to my house for dinner.

10:30 - If "Jungle Book" beats "Doctor Strange" for best effects, I'm going to be annoyed. "Kubo" will also be acceptable.

10:31 - No, Oscar, that's the opposite of what I just said.

10:33 - How can the Academy voters look at the gorgeous special effects in "Kubo and the Two Strings" and "Doctor Strange" and give the award to the creepy, crunchy, plastic CGI animals in "The Jungle Book?" Bad move, Oscar.

10:35 - I'm glad Seth Rogan is having a good time.

10:36 - So "La La Land" has got Best Editing in the bag, right? Say what you will about the movie but it really deserved that one.

Okay, what the fuck?

10:38 - If "Hacksaw Ridge" wins any of the big awards, I'm going to be so pissed. Come on, shitheads, "La La Land" genuinely deserved Best Editing!

10:39 - I don't think this "Lion" kid has any clue what's going on.

10:44 - David Oyelowo's voice should get an award. It's very nice.

10:47 - It was very nice of Oscar not to play the Short Documentary filmmakers off. Their speech was very good.

10:50 - I, on the other hand, am not so concerned about our president's well being.

10:52 - This bit with John Chu is mildly amusing.

10:53 - That robotic horse puppet's parents are very proud of it.

10:57 - Come on, Javier, Meryl doesn't need the extra fellating.

10:58 - I would say "La La Land" has Cinematography in the bag but I just don't know what's happening anymore.

11:00 - Thank god my universe has been re-centered.

11:02 - I wrote the Eddie Redmanye one.

11:03 - I laughed at that Tilda Swinton one. I'm sorry, Tilda. Don't hurt me.

11:04 - Dude, Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling are RIGHT THERE. Why aren't they singing the songs they actually sang in the movie?

11:08 - Having said that, Legend's number was well done.

11:12 - Kimmel cracking jokes about "Hamilton" being hard to get into? Yeah, that sounds about right.

11:13 - Samuel L. Jackson's tux is very blue.

I would assume that even the people who bitched about "La La Land" would agree that it deserves Best Score.

11:16 - "La La Land's" composer gets it. Good acceptance speech!

11:17 - "City of Stars" is my favorite of the nominated song. I have no idea if it'll win.

11:18 - Pfffft. And you were worried that "La La Land" wasn't going to win anything. They even picked the better song! I was sure the big ballad would win.

11:19 - Oscar tries to play off a guy giving a heart-felt, lovely speech about his mom and the crowd cheers over the music. Yes, that is the correct reaction.

11:20 - I'm glad Bill Paxton got a mention. That one hurt. It's still hurting.

11:21 - George Kennedy: Great character actor who would appear in just about anything. God bless that man.

Glad Kenny Baker didn't get left out. Could've picked a better song.

11:27 - Okay, the "Jimmy Kimmel Hates Matt Damon" jokes are officially boring now.

11:30 - Not sure why "20th Century Women" didn't get more nominations. I fucking loved that movie.

11:32 - "Manchester by the Sea" was always the favorite to win Original Screenplay so I don't think this weakens "La La Land's" Best Picture chances. Not that I know anything.

11:34 - Pretty good speech from the "Moonlight" writers. I liked that guy's white tux.

11:41 - Chazelle seemed like the slam dunk win for Best Director at the beginning of the night. Now it's the moment of truth.

11:44 - Well, he won. I think Chazelle genuinely was the best director of the lot so I'm pleased, I suppose.

11:48 - Denzel was actually leading the Best Actor poll I looked at earlier but I still think Casey should and will win.

11:50 - At least things are lining up in the major categories.


11:54 - Leo is probably going to steal the Oscar and run off with it. He's unstoppable!

11:55 - Isabelle's chances of winning Best Actress is pretty much zero now but I would still love to see that happen. She was so great.

(And if anyone is wondering why I didn't review "Elle" this month, it's because I'm doing a Paul Verhoven retrospective in May. Expect a long form review then.)

11:56 - "Natalie Portman couldn't be here tonight, so here's a photo of her starring, dead-eyed, right into your soul."

11:57 - Well, Emma Stone is constantly delightful and has a magical screen presence. She's very good in "La La Land" but I honestly think this Oscar is just as much for her being an all-around wonderful seeming human being.

12:00 - I just want to smoosh Emma's face. She's so damn genuine!

12:03 - Warren Beatty looks like the bad guy at the end of "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade."

12:05 - The more I think about it, the more I dislike Denzel's character in "Fences." I understand that this was the point but doesn't make his character any less toxic.

12:06 - "Hell or High Water" was easily the Best Picture nominee I enjoyed the most. What an unexpectedly excellent film.

12:08 - My money is still on "La La Land."

12:09 - Looks like I called all the major categories. Don't be impressed. I parroted what everyone else was saying.

12:11 - Wait, what? What the fuck is happening?

12:12 - This is the weirdest moment in Oscar history.

Warren Beatty will never be allowed on-stage ever again.

12:14 - This should just give all the nominees the Best Picture Oscar. If this is the grabbastic way you're going to run your fucking ceremony, you jack-asses.

12:16 - Beatty's screw-up is going to launch genuine conspiracy theories. You'll be reading about that shit tomorrow.

12:17 - They should let the "La La Land" people keep their Oscar. Fuck it, we'll just have two winners this year.

12:18 -  FINAL THOUGHTS: I went in expecting to hate Jimmy Kimmel but found his schtick surprisingly amusing in the early going. However, as the show went on, Kimmel's antics started to ware on me very quickly. By the end, I was ready to see him gone.

Having said that, the ceremony didn't drag very much. The Academy didn't make too many poor choices. Most of the winners deserved the statues. Everything roll along pretty smoothly... Up until that twist ending, which people are going to be talking about for years and years.

Goodnight folks. I'm going to finish this drink and go to bed. Back to business as usual on the 1st. See you again soon, my dear Film Thoughts readers.


Monty Park said...

What do you think of all the controversy over La La Land being a fascist propaganda film erasing and appropriating the Black Body and expounding neoliberal capitalism in the name of White Mediocrity? Please keep in mind that there is a correct answer.

Bonehead XL said...

*is about to answer but then dies suddenly of a heart attack*