So, once again, here I am. In front of the computer and TV screen. I'm not looking forward to the Oscars this year. I mean, I'm looking forward to it. It's all I've talked about for the last month. However, the list of nominees are so mediocre, I know I'm going to be hugely disappointed. Also, I'm not exactly looking forward to Billy Crystal's hacky routine comedy.
But whatever. It's the biggest night of the year for Hollywood. As a movie nerd, I am compelled to watch. And apparently I'm compelled to bitch as well.
8:30 - And here we go.
Morgan Freeman's soulful narration gets us off to a start. 84th ANNUAL ACADEMY AWARDS BITCHES!
8:31 - Oh no, Crystal has been inserted into the Best Picture nominees. Sigh.
8:32 - It looks like Billy Crystal went back in time, skinned a younger version of himself, and is now wearing that face over his own face.
8:33 - Holy fuck, Justin Bieber. I think I predicted him showing up last year.
Must Crystal trot his ghoulish Sammi Davis Jr. impersonation out every year? Must he?
8:34 - I haven't seen "The Help." Because, fuck no, of course I haven't seen the fucking "Help." But apparently there is some non-intentional corpaphagia involved.
8:35 - And here's a really creepy "Tin-Tin" sketch. My God.
8:36 - It's going to be a long night.
Pun-based humor. Cutting-edge.
8:37 - There's apparently an inherent humor in the word "Baseball." And, at the millionaire jokes, OH SNAP!
8:38 - SINGING! ARGH KILL ME.
If you didn't hear, the solitary two Best Song nominations aren't going to be performed at the show tonight. Clearly, Billy Crystal's singing is a better use of the show's time.
8:40 - Even Marty's kid (granddaughter?) thinks Crystal's jokes are lame. Scorsese's made movies without killing before, you know. Has nobody seen "Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore?"
8:41 - Notice Terence Malick did not show up. As expected. Was that Tony Bennett? Or DeNiro? I can't tell anymore.
8:42 - And we're going right into the first category.
That was awkward. Seat-filler humor. Oy.
8:43 - Oh my blood's up now. Cinematography. Let' see how right I'll be tonight.
Really? I mean, "Hugo" sure looked pretty. But I thought the enormous sweeping vistas of "The Tree of Life" were sure to get the award. This doesn't bode well for it winning anything else tonight.
8:44 - That was very short. And were right into the next category. Production design. "The Artist?" Or "Hugo?" Which movie about movies will they go with?
8:45 - "Hugo," it is. I liked it too. But I'm surprised it's all ready being set up to sweep.
These people certainly took their time getting to the microphone.
8:46 - The lady looks nice. Reading your speech right off a cue-card is lazy though. I'm sorry, it just is. Nobody's taking much time at the podium tonight.
8:47 - And you fucking believe they went ahead and nominated Meryl Streep again? Speaking of lazy... She could be in a movie where she does nothing but sit on the john for three hours and she'd still get nominated.
8:50 - And we're back.
8:51 - And that was the second Kodak Theater joke. Do I smell a drinking game? YES I DO!
8:53 - Oscar is always talking about wanting to cut down the run-time of the show, to make sure people don't get bored and tune out early. (Or don't tune in at all.) Well, here's an idea: Why don't you just cut it out with the fucking montages? Do we really need an Tribute to Eyeglasses in Film or whatever? Is this a wise use of the Academy's time?
8:54 - "That's when movies where actually made on film." Was that a joke?
Jennifer Lopez is apparently wearing bathroom floor titling as a dress.
8:55 - Will "Hugo" continue to sweep? I never would have guessed. The fact that "Annoymous" and "W.E." actually got nomination is a bit of a joke. Fuckin' Madonna.
The first of many wins tonight for "The Artist?" Probably.
8:56 - Is it just me or is everyone really rushing through the show tonight? Not that I'm complaining too much. Everyone has been very short and concise.
Jennifer Lopez' boobs are fucking horrifying, by the way.
8:57 - Won't be surprised if "Albert Nobbs" wins Best Make-up, even if Glenn Close didn't look a fucking thing like a woman.
HEY WARWICK DAVIS! Thanks for showing up.
8:58 - Nice asses, ladies.
"The Iron Lady?" Okay, whatever. WHO CARES?
8:59 - Has "The Artist" and "Hugo" encouraged a lot of talking tonight about the MAGICS OF THE MOVIES??? As if the Oscars weren't bloated and self-congratulated enough.
9:00 - Random thoughts: Who the fuck invited Adam Sandler? Brad Pitt can't remember the name of "War of the Gargantuas." Hilary Swank literally looks like Gollum.
9:01 - "Diamonds are Forever" making such a strong impression on a young Adam Sandler might explained why so many of his movies suck.
9:02 - Sandra Bullock is coming up soon. Preparing my gag muscles.
9:03 - As for who is going to win Best Supporting Actress, I have no clue. The girl from "The Artist" was admittedly something of a random guess. Seemed like that was a big, important role. (The kind that should have gotten nominated for Best Actress but the For-Your-Consideration crowd thought she had a better shot in a smaller category.)
9:05 - Aw fuck, Sandra Bullock. DEMON PIG!
9:06 - She looks like she's wearing a curtain. What the fuck happened to her nose? Bad plastic surgery much?
9:07 - "A Separation" is admittedly my clueless guest for who will win in this category.
Hey, I got one! SOMEONE OWES ME MONEY!
9:08 - Is this a political speech? I think that guy just avoided having the pay-off music step on his feet.
9:09 - Making fun of Christian Bale's Lighting Rant will never stop being funny. I'm sincere.
9:10 - Is that how you say that lady's name? Good to know. THANKS BATMAN! Jessica Chastain's performance in "The Help" seems to be on the same painful level of awfulness that Sandra Bullock's "Blind Side" performance was on.
9:11 - I haven't seen "Bridemaids" but it looks grotesque. Not an Apatow fan.
9:12 - The Other-Other Lady from "The Help" will probably win.
9:13 - I hope this doesn't mean Viola Davis will win Best Actress. It should really be Michele Williams. I'm going to rage if it isn't.
9:14 - This Octavius lady is having a fucking melt-down here. A crying, blubbering, melt-down.
Interesting music tonight.
9:15 - Over a half-hour in tonight and this shit is incredibly boring. Not really a surprise. As I said in my Nomination Write-Up, this is the year of mediocrity.
9:18 - Is Billy Crystal doing an intentional Christopher Walken impersonation tonight? Holy shit, why isn't Christopher Walken hosting?
9:19 - Is this "Focus Group" thing going to be a bad skit?
9:20 - What the fuck is this? Are these supposes to be jokes?
This is stifling. Holy shit. Who the fuck thought this was a good idea? My god.
9:21 - I am dumbfounded. As if Fred Willard hasn't gone enough to embarrass himself enough over the years.
9:22 - Aw, I was hoping they'd have Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jr. together again. They kill every year. Bradley Cooper looks really spooky with facial hair. What's the appeal of this guy?
9:23 - I honestly don't know who will win Best Editing. Could be anyone. Hoping for David Fincher's "Dragon Tattoo" team.
9:24 - Holy shit, I called it! Already I think I've beaten my own record. ARROOOO!
9:25 - That was an incredibly nervous acceptance speech. Loved it. Will "Drive" actually win the one category it's nominated in?
9:26 - Another win for "Hugo." This film is crushing all before it. I honestly didn't find its sound editing to be anything special.
Take a drink every time Martin Scorsese gets called "Marty?" Sure!
9:27 - You know things are bad when a Sound Editor is funnier then the host.
Is "Hugo" going to win Sound Mixing too? At this point nothing would surprise me.
9:28 - I'm shocked that this movie is sweeping so totally.
9:29 - It's like there's a stage-hand off-screen pointing a gun at the winners. "You better get through that acceptance speech REAL quick!"
9:30 - Cirque Soliel. Yeah, nobody cares about hearing the Best Original Song nominations in their entirety. But you know what people do care about? Fucking Cirque Soliel. Holy God. The people running this show are incredibly clueless.
9:33 - Just for the record, I'm officially changing my prediction for Best Actor from Brad Pitt to Jean Dujardin. Everyone loves that dude. I'm expecting "The Artist" to win all three of the Big Categories it's nominated for this year. Clearly this is the year for Oscar to honor Movies About Movies. (I guess this doesn't rule out "Hugo" winning Best Picture and Director. They sure do seem to like it a lot.)
9:34 - Muppets! Hoo-ray! Kermit and Piggy are great but they should have fuckin' Statler and Waldorf host the show.
9:35 - What are the odds of one circus clowns falling onto the audience?
9:36 - What the fuck does any of this ass-clownery have to do with the Oscar? GET BACK TO THE SHOW FOR EFF'S SAKE!
9:39 - That music was rather Elfman-esque.
Honestly, it wasn't as bad as the League of Extraordinary Dancers from a few years ago. But it's still an incredible waste of the show's time.
I'm shocked that Crystal is just now getting to his first Jewish joke.
9:40 - Crystal is right. There's an abundance of old farts here tonight.
Okay, Robert Downey Jr. did show up. And what exactly is he doing? Some sort of Terminator walk?
9:41 - Paltrow seems legitimately weirded out by all of this.
9:42 - Is Downey Jr. acting or is he back on the drugs? He's covered in flop-sweat.
I really have no guess for Best Doc winning. "Hell and Back Again" maybe? Didn't get a chance to see any of them.
9:44 - Defining all expectations, Oscar ignored the Important News documentaries in favor of a sports documentary. Maybe "Moneyball" will win Best Picture. I don't know, maybe "Undefeated" is the modern "Hoop Dreams." But I'm guessing it's not.
Did someone swear or did the mic just cut off?
PLAY-OFF MUSIC! GET THE FUCK OFF THE STAGE POTTY-MOUTHS! WE'LL CUT YOUR MIC OFF, WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT! WE'RE THE OSCARS!
9:45 - Chris Rock has a weird afro thing going tonight. He's kind of funny though.
I wanted to see "Chico and Rita" and "Cat in Paris" but, naturally, it's not playing anywhere near me. Shame, both looked good. "Rango" will still win but Oscar might throw a bone to one of the two foreign cartoons.
9:47 - Told you so. "Rango" was good, don't get me wrong. Frankly it was a bit too smart for its own good though.
I really would have preferred a nomination for "Winnie the Pooh." I liked that one a lot. Total lockout for that one.
9:48 - I never would have guessed Gore Verbinski looks like that. I figured he was some long-haired, facial haired hipster or something.
9:50 - My bet on Best Supporting Actor is still Christopher Plummer. Seems like nobody else has any hype behind them. Granted nobody has seen "Beginners" but that's never stopped Oscar before.
9:51 - So is Melissa McCarthey's how schtick in "Bridemaids" that she's a big fat ugly woman who's also really, really horny? Brilliant! Give that an Oscar!
9:52 - Emma Stone looks nice. Of course. Wow, she's taller then Ben Stiller.
Third laugh of the night. It's a crypt in here.
9:53 - Emma Stone is doing great. The shot of life this show really, really needed.
"You don't want to be the host that tries-to-hard." "Just ask Anne Hathaway!"
9:54 -"Harry Potter" will probably win Visual Effects. But Oscar's going ga-ga for "Hugo." "Planet of the Apes" sure was beloved though. "Real Steel" joins the long line of tradition of random-ass movies that got Oscar nominations.
9:56 - And again with the "Hugo." Jee-whiz, I can't believe this movie is winning all the technical awards it's up for. There were a lot of other movies with better Visual Effects in it then that one. Like "Thor." Or "Captain America." Or some other movie that didn't get nominated.
9:57 - There was a "Marty" in that acceptance speech, by the way. SHOT!
9:58 - Recently rewatched "True Grit." Hailee Steinfield was fucking robbed. Melissa Leo did not deserve to win. No fucking way. Her performance was an over-the-top caricature. With Hailee, you got to see a star being born.
9:59 - What's with the wolf whistle for Jonah Hill? Dude doesn't look that skinnier.
And "Warrior" is another random-ass movie that snagged a nom. I mean, who the fuck even saw that thing? It was "The Fighter" with MMA.
10:01 - I'm happy Christopher Plummer won and not just because it's mean I got another one right. He's a good actor and it seems like a good performance. I'm looking forward to seeing "Beginners."
10:02 - Plummer's speech is great. Very funny, grateful, sincere. Dude has the diction of a Shakespearean orator, of course.
10:03 - Wonderful speech, Mr. Plummer.
10:04 - Martin Scorsese might actually win Best Director at this point. The Academy is way crazier for "Hugo" then I thought.
10:07 - So what celeb death is going to be snubbed at the In Memorium tonight? Patrice O'Neil? Ken Russell? Charles Napier? You can bet your as Whitney Houston won't be, even though she didn't actually die last year and was a terrible actress. The outpouring of grief over someone who was a pop culture punchline weeks before is incredibly distasteful to me.
10:08 - More comedy mugging from Crystal. Was he really the only person available? The Freeman joke was a little funny.
"MARTY!" Shot. The drunker I am, the better.
10:09 - The Nolte grumbling admittedly made me laugh. He's really like that.
10:11 - Thanks for thanking me, Academy Director. I'm glad somebody did.
10:12 - What the hell is this? Giant thing rising out of the floor? How much money did that cost them?
10:13 - Seriously, what was the point of the giant score book rising out of the floor? What did that contribute? Owen Wilson seems so bored he's about to slash his wrists. (Too soon?)
"The Artist" score has got this one in the bag. No way it doesn't.
10:14 - Told you so. All this being right tonight is going to go to my head.
10:15 - This guy's speech was a bit rambling. He came very close to get played off.
10:16 - Yeah, that's how you pay tribute to great film music. Have Will Ferrial and Zach Galifa-use-to-be-a-really-funny-stand-up-comedian-but-now-stars-in-increasingly-weak-movies bang cymbals atonally.
10:17 - PLAY THE GODDAMN SONGS!
"Real in Rio" was a fucking abortion put to music. How the fuck did that get a nomination but not the "Star-Spangled Man?"
10:18 - "Mildly Overweight Man Fall Down, Fail to Make Funny."
One of the "Flight of the Conchords" winning an Oscar is pretty friggin' cool. What's the odds of Jermaine winning one some day?
10:19 - Honestly, there was never any other shot of somebody else winning this award. "The Muppets" had it from day one.
10:20 - Holy shit, the audience members get snacks? No fair! I want snacks!
10:24 - Despite the show being pretty mediocre, it's going by surprisingly quickly. Can't complain.
10:25 - Even Crystal's gaffs aren't funny.
That slit in Angelina's dress is horrifying. What a fucking miserable dried-up old mummy. Who ever thought she was hot?
10:26 - I guess "Hugo" is going to win best Adapted Screenplay? I still want "Tinker Tailor Solider Spy" to win. That was such an elaborate story. The writer had to keep track of so much.
10:27 - Okay, that was unexpected. Dean Pelton is an Oscar-winner now. I guess "The Descendents" is the kind of sort-of-independent character-study that usually wins the writing awards.
10:29 - Hey, Jeremy Irons is in "Margin Call." Did anybody see that?
10:30 - Holy shit, Woody Allen won an Oscar tonight. That really surprises me. (He didn't even bother to show up.) I think he won by default. Not a lot of competition in that category.
10:31 - Werner Herzog immediately improves everything he shows up in. He should present an award. How fucking awesome would that be? Warren Beatty looks amazingly old.
Seriously, what the hell is Adam Sandler doing here? Why?
10:36 - Milla Jovovich? What? Who invited the star of "Resident Evil: Who Gives a Shit?" Talk about somebody who became a big star by completely random fucking chance.
Is she high right now? She looks high.
10: 38 - "Sink poopers." That smells like Oscar to me.
"Handsome." Wow, no shit. Did they intentionally ugly these girls up?
10:39 - Dick jokes. At the Oscars.
Apparently "Raju" was winning the Oscar Shorts poll at their website. I really didn't like that one. I want "Tuba Atlantic" to win.
10:40 - "The Shore" wasn't bad. It wasn't the best of this selection. It was the most Oscar-friendly though, I think. Not too shocked it won.
10:41 - Wait, what was the point of that? Beyond the implication that we're all drinking our way through this show.
"God is the Bigger Elvis" was winning the poll at the Oscar Shorts website. I haven't seen any of these so I can't say.
10:43 - Seriously, what the fuck happened to Sandra Bullock's nose? Looks like it's been slit up the middle with a scalpel.
10: 44 - With the exception of "The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore," none of the Animated Shorts were that good. It really doesn't have any competition in this category.
10:45 - So I'm real glad it just won.
10:46 - I hope these guys go on to make a feature. I like them a lot. Good acceptance speech.
10:48 - Just the Big Four left. I think Oscar is actually running completely on time this year. When has that ever happened before?
10:50 - Oh, Michael Douglas. I thought for a minute they meant Oliver Stone.
A month ago I thought Best Director would go to Terence Malick. A day ago, I figured the French guy would get it. Now? I'm thinking Scorsese might go home with the gold. It's hard to tell.
10:53 - Okay, so my second guess was right. Best Picture (and "The Artist" is going to win Best Picture.) almost always get Best Director too. Malick probably should have gotten it. But he didn't show up anyway, Oscar's thinking, so fuck him.
10:54 - I think that fucking dog is the most famous person to come out of that movie.
10:55 - 17 nominations, Meryl? That's fucking shameful. You could haven't given that spot up for Elisabeth Olsen for "Martha Marcy May Marlene?" Shameful.
10:56 - Dick Smith looks incredibly old. (Because he is.) And he still looks better then Maria Schiver.
10:59 - Oprah Winfrey won a goddamn Honorary Oscar? What the fuck has she ever done for film? Who the hell cares? Christ, I hate that Demon-Cunt so fucking much. Fuck her. She's not a good actress, producer, or anything. She's a self-satisfied, self-deified saint. Nobody else needs to suck Oprah's dick, Oscar. She's build an entire multi-media empire around making people sucking her dick, and then making those people praising her uncontrollably for taking one on the face. Stuff her.
11:03 - Who the hell is this? Nice afro though.
11:04 - Oh yeah, Jane Russell. What a great set of... Acting skills.
I glad Ken Russell wasn't left off.
11:05 - Loosing Peter Falk was a bummer.
What the hell did Steve Jobs have to do with movies?
11:06 - I had forgotten Jackie Cooper passed. That sucks. Who will eat all the cucumber sandwiches now?
11:07 - Charles Napier totally got the shaft. You can be such an asshole, Oscar.
11:11 - They sure are getting a lot of mileage out of that Edward Norton interview.
God, DeNiro looks like he's dying.
PATTON OSWALT! I some glad they made room for him. Great comedian, great film lover.
11:12 - I really believe Billy has no feelings. I think he's a Comedy Robot, forever programmed to 1986.
11:13 - Technically, Natalie Portman didn't play a murderous ballerina. It was all in her mind, you know.
Haven't seen "A Better Life." It won't win.
11:14 - It's coming down to that French dude who's last name starts with a J and Pitt. The Academy loves the Underdog, you know. Right? Surely Clooney won't get it. It was a good performance, but he's all ready won and the film was just shy of mediocre.
11:16 - The sound-filled dream in "The Artist" was such an overwrought moment. Not the best one they could have gone with.
Gary Oldman is the one who deserves to win. What a great performance. He won't win, because Oscar hates me, but he should.
11:18 - Yep, called it. Jean Dujardin gave a good performance, I guess. But it wasn't the best year or even the best of the nominees. I wish the person who actually earned the award would actually get it.
11:19 - Wow, a fifty minute Oscar show. I'm not sure if I would like to see that or not.
11:20 - He gave an okay speech.
Who's the drunken llama yodeling over the music?
11:23 - Things are winding down.
11:24 - I really sincerely hope that Michele Williams wins. She probably won't, because the Academy loves to pretend it cares about black people. But Williams should win.
11:25 - You know, between "The Help" and "Bridesmaids," there has been a lot of poop at the Oscars this year.
Ronny Mara has a really unflattering haircut. For the record, Noomi Rapace probably should have been nominated for the original film.
11:27 - Apparently, I'm not the only one noticing the awful metallic feedback on the microphones tonight. I thought it was just my TV.
And, hell, why I'm here, fuck Meryl Streep. She deserves nothing. STOP HOARDING NOMINATIONS, DRAGON-QUEEN!
11:29 - WHAT THE FUCK??! BLARGHLARAHHHHHH!
11:30 - Seriously, I just spent the last minute letting off a long cry of obscene gibberish.
11:31 - Thanks for raising my blood pressure, Oscar. I'm going to drink this whole bottle.
11:32 - I'm am both incredibly sad and incredibly angry.
11:33 - Tom Cruise? Whatever. Put the bullet in its head, Academy.
11: 35 - Of course.
So what were the pleasant surprises this year? I'm thinking real hard. "Midnight in Paris" winning Best Original Screenplay was a surprise and not a totally unpleasant one. I'm glad "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" won Best Editing. "Hugo" sweeping the technical awards was unexpected and maybe unearned, but it was a movie I enjoyed.
11:37 - I think "The Fantastic Flying Books of Morris Lessmore" winning Best Animated Short was the only win this night that I'm proud of and think was completely deserved. Christopher Plummer maybe too, though it's not like I've seen the movie. Everything else that won was either unearned (Fucking Meryl fucking Streep), a good film that won in the wrong category ("Hugo"), a good film that was nominated for the wrong thing ("The Muppets"), or something we knew was going to win as a foregone conclusion to the point there was no excitement or interest in it. ("The Artist.")
11:40 - Aside from the bullshit, how was the show? Eh. It started out really bad. All of the pre-taped comedy skits were terrible. Crystal was completely uninteresting. But a surprising number of the presenters were funny or entertaining. They really did cut down on the number of stupid montages no body cared about and I actually liked the pre-taped interviews for the most part. The acceptance speeches were mostly pretty good. There were no hilarious gaffs, outside of Streep fucking winning. I guess it evens out. Big improvement over 2011. Probably on the same level as 2010, maybe slightly above it.
11:43 - All right guys, I'm done. Now that Award Season is over, I can go back to reviewing horror films. (Which I will do, I swear.) As always, thank you so much for reading and watching along with me.
FUCK OPRAH WINFREY AND MERYL STREEP! MAY THE DEMONS THAT POSSESS THEM BE EXPELLED AND THEIR WITHERED BODIES BURST INTO FLAMES!