OSCARS 2023 LIVE BLOG!

7:50 - Welcome once again to Film Thoughts 14th Annual Live Blog of the Academy Awards broadcast! Will anyone get slapped this year? Will Anthony Hopkins inexplicably win Best Actor? Will the correct movie be announced when the Best Picture envelope is opened? Will I want to crush Jimmy Kimmel's head with a rock before the night is over? I can't definitively answer any of these questions assurdedly except for that last one, which is definitely "yes."

Anyway, they had a TikToker on the pre-show tonight, which sounds about right.

7:54 - My internet has been patchy all evening, so if I disappear screaming into the night, that's probably why. Assuming I don't do that for some other reason. Austin Butler's best friend is his agent, which sounds like Elvis' relationship with the Colonel. 

8:00 - My clock says it's 8 o'clock now but I'm seeing a bath tile commercial right now lol 

8:01 - So nice to see The Northman and Nope in this opening montage, two great movies that weren't nominated for anything some reason. 

8:02 - Oh wow, Jimmy Kimmel is doing the Billy Crystal "inserted into the movie" gag thing. This bodes well for the rest of the night! 

By the way, I plan on taking a shot every time someone says the words "Will Smith" or "slap."

8:04 - Alright, making jokes about the Nicode Kidman AMC ad will be evergreen. 

8:05 - Brendan Fraser is just going to be on the verge of tears the entire night, isn't he? And I totally forgot that Ke Huy Quan was in "Encino Man." 

8:07 - Hey guys, did you know that Seth Rogan smokes a lot of pot???

8:08 - If Spielberg wasn't prepared to listen to jokes about his mom cucking his dad, he shouldn't have made a whole movie about it. 

John Williams is almost as old as your jokes are, Jimmy. Hey-o!

8:09 - "Babylon" was good, Jimmy. Fuck you. 

Oh wow, we are doing Nick Cannon jokes? Jesus, this is going to be a long night.

8:11 - Oh, first joke about the Slap! Shots-shots-shots!

Everybody loved "Top Gun: Maverick" but me. But nobody gives a shit what I think. 

8:13 - Second joke about the Slap. But this one was pretty good. 

8:15 - We're already up to like six jokes about the Slap, by my count. You think Jimmy is burning through them all first? That cut to Andrew Garfield made me laugh. 

8:16 - If you don't finish your speech up in sixty seconds, Rama Raos will throw a jaguar at you. 

8:17 - The Rock looking bitchin' in a salmon tux while presenting Animated Feature. I'm glad they aren't making jokes this year about how much animation sucks. 

8:18 - Pinocchio seems to be the favorite to win but I'd love it if Turning Red or Marcel the Shell pull off an upset win. And then there's The Sea Beast, definitely a movie that exists. 

8:19 - Pinocchio is definitely not among my favorite Del Toro movies but I can never complain about that guy getting more statues. I'm glad he's letting the co-director speak first. 

8:21 - Very nice speech, GDT.

8:24 - ABC actually thinks people are going to stay up to 1:00 to watch American Idol.

8:26 - Payakun is going to do a belly-flop on Jimmy Kimmel after he makes a joke about Lo'ak. 

8:28 - Boy, they are really banging the drum for inclusivity tonight? Anyway, give Short Round his Oscar already, you bastards. 

8:30 - Brian Tyree Henry is actually great in "Causeway." He'd be my second choice if Ke Huy Quan wasn't such an irresistible choice. 

YES!!!!

8:31 - I got to meet Ke Huy Quan back in 2018 and now he's an Oscar winner, which is not something I would've guessed at the time. Here's proof:

8:34 - I love Jamie Lee Curtis but I probably wouldn't have even given her a nomination for Everything Everywhere All at Once. There's no way in hell it'll actually happen but Hong Chau is my favorite of these performances. If Angela Basset or Jamie win, those are definitely career achievement Oscars. 

8:37 - Well, Jamie Lee is definitely never coming to Monster-Mania now lol 

She should've worn the hot dog fingers to accept the statue. EEAAO is going to sweep, isn't it? 

8:38 - Hell yeah, Jamie Lee giving a shout-out to horror fans. Prom Night Gang rise up. Gosh, she's so damn adorable. 

8:40 - "Tell It Like A Woman," maybe the most random movie to ever be nominated for an Oscar.

8:42 - As far as deeply mediocre ballads that got nominated because Diane Warren wrote it, "Applause" is honestly one of the more tolerable... But that performance was the definition of over-singing. 

8:48 - Lydia Tar is nominated for her performance as Cate Blanchett. 

Another joke about the Slap! Why is Todd Price wearing a fedora? Does he have a mouthful of Big League Chew? 

8:49 - Very nice of Riz Ahmed to give some kudos to Questlove, who got totally steamrolled last year by everything that happened. 

8:50 - I really want All the Beauty and the Bloodshed to win. But if Fire of Love wins, I won't be too surprised. Overall, the Documentary Feature slate this year was very strong. 

8:52 - Okay... that was unexpected. The Academy voters really want us to know how much they hate Vladimir Putin, I guess???

8:54 - For the record I liked "Navalny" and I hate Putin too. But that wasn't my pick.

8:55 - Rooting for "An Irish Goodbye." A pretty weak slate in this category this year!

I know a lot of people in the one Discord server I'm in hated this one but I thought it was cute and funny. shrugs

8:56 - Happy birthday, James!

8:58 - Micky Mouse holding a gun to the Academy President's head, demanding them to devote time to this trailer. 

9:03 - Give the Oscar to Jonathan Majors' tuxedo jacket. 

9:05 - Cinematography is a real mixed bag this year. I think Deakins is the most talented of all these cinematographers, so my vote probably would've been for "Empire of Light" or "Tar."

9:06 - So EEAAO is going to sweep the big categories and All Quiet is going to sweep the technical categories? 

9:07 - I was really afraid they were going to make Donnie Yen tell a Will Smith joke. Create a Best Stunt Work category, AMPAS! 

9:09 - David Byrne in the hot dog fingers and Raccacoonie appearing made this song getting nominated worth it. 

9:14 - Whatever "The Prank Panel" is, it does not look like a real TV show.

9:16 - The fact that Samuel L. Jackson doesn't have a competition Oscar is motherfuckin' bullshit. 

9:17 - Make-Up is another kind of mediocre slate this year. I fully expect "The Whale" to win, as it's Most Make-Up. But the way "All Quiet on the Western Front" had like visible blood vessels and thinks of that nature through the skin makes it my pick. Amazing, subtle work. 

9:19 - Fully expect certain groups and people to be utterly outraged by this win. 

9:20 - Okay, Morgan Freeman is doing the bald look now. Okay. Alright. 

9:21 - That fade to black there is the kind of technical awkwardness that makes me love live television. 

9:22 - Not a single Loony Tune in this Ode to Warner Bros montage.

Bullshit Arnold GIFfrom Bullshit GIFs

9:25 - Alright, I'm glad at least one donkey was up on stage today. Bring out Eo next! 

9:27 - Get Paul Dano and Julia Louis Dreyfus to host next year. 

9:28 - I would probably vote for "Elvis" but I think "Wakanda Forever" is going to win Costume Design.

Yep.

9:29 - I'm an easy mark for people dedicating their award wins to dead parents so this speech is Good In My Book. 101 years old is a great run. 

9:30 - OH SHIT NAATU NAATU TIME!!!

9:32 - YES DANCING WITH THE SUSPENDERS YEEEAH

9:33 - The scene in "RRR" where all the English ladies push their boyfriends and shout "GO AWAY" in unison made me believe in God. And then Ram taking a fall so his buddy could win the dance contest made me certain God is real. 

9:35 - I hope Ron Perlman was paid well to participate in whatever this stupid advertising campaign is. But I know, in my heart, that he wasn't. 

9:38 - Okay, the "Room tone" joke made me chuckle. 

9:40 - Gotta admit that the boardcast tonight has been pretty slow and boring and also low-key exactly what I want the Oscars broadcast to be. If it wasn't for all this promotional shit, I'd be fine with all of this so far. 

9:41 - And now introducing the two sexiest people in the world. 

9:42 - "All Quiet on the Western Front" is fated to win but "Close" is my personal choice. The Best International Feature slate this year is extremely strong. 

9:43 - I like this guy's accent. 

9:50 - "The Fabelmans" is so good. I want it to win Best Picture. Another joke about the Slap. I don't appreciate the jokes about the show being too long because they don't want to cut shit.

9:51 - "Haulout" probably won't win but I really want it to. 

9:53 - At least the mildly racist "Strangers at the Gates" didn't win. That lady wore her best suri and everything and they are just trying to play her off the stage. So fucking rude! 

9:54 - The Boy Etc. was extremely not good. Literally everything else would be preferable.

"My Year of Dicks" was robbed!!!  

9:56 - I can't tell if Charlie's inarticulate rambling is cute or hilarious or annoying. His dog is in a hotel, you guys. 

9:58 - And now presenting a close-up on Lady Gaga's face. 

10:00 - The Oscar broadcast invoking MTV Unplugged for some reason tonight. 

As far as Lady Gaga power ballads go, "Hold My Hand" is pretty good. But I swear to god, if "Naatu Naatu" doesn't win... 

10:01 - The ode to Tony Scott is very classy though. I appreciate that. 

10:03 - Very bold of the Academy to push all the stupid-ass skits to the commercial breaks this year...

10:06 - Hugh Grant's scrotum face just walked away with this entire show, I think.

10:08 - "Babylon" is my pick for Production Design but I don't think most people liked that movie. 

10:09 - It's a great night for German accents. 

10:11 - "Babylon" and "Banshees" both had excellent scores. In fact, all five of these are really good. 

10:12 - Wow, "All Quiet on the Western Front" and "EEAAO" really are going to sweep tonight. 

10:22 - Holy shit, "Cocaine Bear' is at the Oscars. And it sounds like Elizabeth Banks has been up all night doing cocaine. 

10:23 - This is officially my favorite terrible gag at the show tonight.

Not to be a dick about this but I thought the visual effects in "Wakanda Forever" were, as the kids say, "mid."

10:24 - "The Way of Water" winning Best Visual Effects was a slam dunk. 

10:26 - "We need to thank our..." BWONNNG

Die in a grease fire, Jimmy. 

10:27 - Wow, she's so uncomfortable.

When the people on Twitter are getting bigger laughs than the host...

10:30 - Like this is pretty and all but, seriously, if they snub "Naatu Naatu," I will never stop raging. 

10:32 - Okay, actually, I think I hate this song now. If it wins, I will DEFINITELY hate it now. 

10:36 - The amount of vitriol directed at EEAAO on Film Twitter has recommitted me to spending less time on Twitter. Like, I get it if it's not your thing but the sheer intensity of the hatred is fucking weird.

10:37 - FUCK YEAH JAMES HONG 

10:38 - "Nerds who sit in front of their computers all day, otherwise known as writers." Accurate. 

10:40 - The Daniels winning Original Screenplay and then Spielberg getting Best Director is a compromise I'm willing to entertain. 

10:42 - Okay, see, how can you hate these sincere nerds? They seem really nice! I'm glad they won. 

Feels like "All Quiet..." has Adapted Screenplay at this point. I probably would've voted for "Glass Onion." 

10:43 - They went with the political choice, I guess. "Women Talking" is good. Did the Mouse force the Oscar voice over lady to say "One Magic Christmas" is a "Disney classic?" 

10:46 - "A special appearance from Lenny Kravitz" feels like a threat. 

10:50 - See, I didn't like "Maverick" but you don't see me being a dick on social media about it. 

On behalf of a grateful nation, we thank you for blowing up that power plant build by... Some country.

10:51 - Every single joke Jimmy is telling tonight is a fucking flop.

Got the feeling "All Quiet" is going to walk away with the Sound award but that's the category I must think it deserves. 

10:55 - You're welcome, "Top Gun: Maverick" Sound Guy. 

NAATU NAATU TIME YOU FUCKERS DON'T JERK ME AROUND

10:56 - YES YES YES

10:57 - Oh my god, yes! Fuck yes! The Best Song winners should always have to sing their acceptance speeches. 

10:58 - Beloved star of "The Fanatic," John Travolta. 

10:59 - If I become a famous film industry person and then die and get included at the Oscars In Memoriam montage, please do not let Lenny Kravitz sing over my name. 

11:01 - Angelo Badalamenti was a real one. Miss him. 

11:06 - Lots of great editing on the slate this year! I feel like EEAAO will get it and deserves it but almost any of these choices would be fine by me. 

11:09 - That was your second movie, dude? Holy shit. 

11:11 - Last chance to give that plucky newcomer Steven Spielberg an Oscar tonight. 

11:12 - I like these guys. They seem nice and they make good movies. 

11:14 - "I will love you no matter what." See, he loves his son! I like that. He's nice! It's okay. 

11:19 - Outlaw Jimmy Kimmel 

11:20 - I mean this with all due respect, ladies: You look very nice tonight. 

11:21 - Austin Butler would've gotten my vote, if they allowed me to vote. But I'm still kind of rooting for Fraser. 

11:23 - Didn't really like the movie that much but I'm glad he won. It's a great come back story. He's earned that award. 

11:24 - Gosh, I'm getting tears in my eyes from this acceptance speech. He's really having emotions right now. I just want to give him a big hug, you guys. 

11:26 - I kind of want them to give it to Andrea Riseborough or Ana de Armas just to see how folks would melt the fuck down over it. But in all seriousness, it should be Blanchett. 

Wow, uh, they really went with the moment right before the rape scene for de Armas' Oscar clip? Uh okay. That's a choice. 

11:28 - I can't, in all good conscious, be mad about Michelle Yeoh winning an Oscar. Even if I'd have ranked her like third on my personal ballet. It was a really good performance in a movie I liked a lot! But, once again, I feel like this win is more of a career achievement award than anything else. 

11:31 - "The movies are BACK, y'all" is the big uniting theme tonight, it seems. 

11:32 - We need some more of Harrison Ford's dgaf attitude tonight. He's too invested. 

11:33 - Not a single surprise tonight in any of the big categories. 

11:34 - "Everything Everywhere All at Once" would not have been my choice for Best Picture but I enjoyed it a lot. And it getting Michelle Yeoh, Ku Huy Quan, and James Hong up on the stage together is pretty neat. 

11:37 - It's amazing how relatively smooth the broad cast goes when you don't try any stupid bullshit like cutting winners out of the show or not performing all the songs! Normal people will say this was boring and it was boring but I'm a movie nerd so I liked it. 

Thanks to anyone who has read my bullshit this month. It's over!